That's been me for the last day or two. Joel's favorite show is Wow, Wow, Wubbzy, which features a monster called a Growly Gus. Now, in my opinion, the Growly Gus actually resembles one of the more benign Muppets, but for some reason that I can't quite fathom, my son who delights in supervillans and other things that I would prefer to shield him from, finds the Growly Gus scary indeed. When I turn into one, it feels a little scary, too.
I hate feeling edgy and unsettled, but I have pretty much non-stop for the last few days. I start up a super intense schedule next week, and that is definitely part of it. I'll be gone from the kids for about eight hours at a time, several days a week. Elena is still exclusively breastfed. I can pump while I'm gone,but it is a hassle (although definitely better than soaking my shirt in class) and am OK with giving her solids (although the allergy issue contributes to my edginess).
Joel has recently started having bad reactions to dairy, and his allergist said we need to go dairy-free again. He's also had some other stuff going on that seems mild, but hasn't improved in a few weeks, and I'm planning to call his doc tomorrow.
Elena's test results showed an allergy to beans, but nothing else. However, she is still breaking out with a rash, getting a runny nose and other symptoms. I think we've narrowed it down to chocolate and eggs, but I'm not positive.
Ironically, here when I am concerned about not being with the kids when I should, I am also more short-tempered and feel less like engaging with them.
The class itself is good, and I'm teaching with a wonderful friend. We've taught together the last three summers. He is also a pastor's kid, the youngest of ten or eleven kids, and an awesome instructor. After years of teaching the same classes together, we have a good rhythm and sense of how the other teaches and grades, so that part is really good.
There are some personal things that I won't share in the blog, but I know they are most likely the root of my discomfort. While I really dislike them, I can deal with it. At least, I should be able to. I can give myself all kinds of rational pep-talks about how the kids will be fine. Mentally, I agree completely. Elena will manage just fine. Joel will be OK--I can make sure that we have safe food. Spiritually, I've got all kinds of stuff about peace and trusting God and so on. I believe it, but at the moment, it isn't reaching me. And I can't even self-medicate with chocolate. Sigh.
Anyway, I would appreciate your prayers, both now and in the month to come. It's time for Ms. Growly Gussie to go home.