The Natural Parenting Blog Party--Why Creating Community Matters to Me

Welcome to all my friends, old and new who have visited through the Natural Parenting Blog Party.  I am so very, very grateful that you are part of my parenting community!

I live in the buckle of the Bible belt, and around here, most people believe that the Bible tells them to use their belts on their children.  Babywise and CIO are a given, and even a pediatrician gives out free copies of To Train Up a Child.  It is one thing to stand up for what you believe in and follow your own conscience, but when you are the only one you know, it can feel like you are drowning.  Just how important is creating a community of parents?  I think it is incredibly important.  We are designed to have relationships and to be part of a community.  For many parents who find themselves on a path similar to mine, that becomes increasingly difficult. 

If I limited my friendships to parents who agree with me on everything, I would have very, very few friends.  I would also miss out on a lot of opportunities to grow and learn.  I have deeply loved and respected family, friends and blog readers who disagree with me on most of my parenting choices.  They believe that spanking is necessary, that letting their children cry it out results in better sleep for everyone, that vaccinations are lifesavers, that babies don't need to be held so much, that hospital births are the safest choice and that while breastfeeding is fine for the first few months or so, if they can talk then they are too old.  They are not all extremists, of course--they may not follow all of those, and they may follow them to different degrees.  I think that Granny2five is the only one who ever dares to leave comments ;) and even hers are very mild.  But I appreciate the reminders to weigh my choices, to pray and seek God and to look at all sides of an issue.

All of that said, I also find that I need to limit some of my interactions with people whose standards are very different from mine.  If I witness a spanking or vicious shaming, I feel the same sick feeling inside as if I had witnessed an adult hitting a disabled person.  It tears me up emotionally for a long time.  My daughter responds the same way, and will cry about it later in the night.  For our emotional well-being, I would not spend time with people who practice that in front of us if I can avoid it.   Even hearing a group of moms laughing about letting their infants cry and scream or spanking their kids (and I am horrified by how common it is to joke about this in church nurseries) evokes the same stomach-clenching, teary-eyed feelings. 

I realize that to someone who is accustomed to it, it isn't a big deal, and that I probably seem overly dramatic.  Once a care-giver threatened Ariana and Joel with a spanking.  To my mom, it wasn't a serious issue since it was "only" a threat.  However, my sister was able to remind her that for children who have never been threatened with hitting, it was very different.  If an angry adult threatened to hit you and seemed prepared to do so, you would probably be upset and scared.  If this adult was much, much larger than you and knew that they could get away with it, imagine how much more intense your fear would be.  Or imagine how you would feel watching an adult caregiver hit an elderly person with Alzheimer's because they weren't following instructions.  I feel that same horror, outrage and grief at the idea of hitting a child, whose cognitive and physical abilities may make them just as vulnerable.  It is only when we have desensitized ourselves that the idea of hitting someone smaller and at a different mental level from us is not disturbing. 

Much more insidious is the subtle adversarial mindset that comes with punitive parenting.  Labeling, shaming, perceiving all of the child's actions through a negative lens.  I hear it all the time, and I have noticed that it is contagious.  I have found that even reading through Dobson or Ezzo materials starts to influence my thinking and perception of my children.  I become less patient, more suspicious and less peaceful inside.

Another reason that I need to be intentional about my community is, quite simply, that I don't have all the answers.  I need help, advice, wisdom, sympathy and encouragement from other moms who have been there.  However, it is hard to be open about my struggles with moms who don't understand the reasons behind my choices.  I don't feel as if I have the right to complain about lack of sleep, discouragement with breastfeeding, frustration with my child's behavior or similar things when I have no intention of accepting any of their solutions of CIO, weaning or punishment.

I *need* to spend time with other peaceful parents.  When I do, I come away refreshed, full of love, peace and compassion towards my family.  I feel energized instead of drained.  A community of like-minded parents isn't just a nice thing to have.  It is a necessity.  But it doesn't seem to happen easily for some of us.  It must be created intentionally.  I am already planning a post on how we can create that community, but for now, I just want to thank you for being a part of mine.  You are loved and appreciated.  <3

Natural Parenting Blog Party--Meeting Littlemama Midwife

"The same goes for female elders too. They are to be suitably holy as is fitting for their appointment, not slanderers, not enslaved by wine, teachers who provide instruction in what is right. Then they can
bring the new women to their senses to love their husbands, to love their children, to be clear headed, holy, the mistress of the house, supportive of their own husbands, so that the Word of God won’t be blasphemed."  Titus 2:3-5 The Source

I still remember the sense of amazement and awe.  I chattered about it non-stop to my husband on the way home.  "You won't believe this!  I met a mom at church who doesn't babywise!"  I'm not sure if my dearly beloved quite grasped how earth-shaking this was.  I had never met a mom in real life who didn't schedule feedings, spank or make her babies cry it out, and it was revolutionary to me.

I have been a social misfit, um, independent thinker for as long as I can remember.  Most of my life I didn't quite fit with the majority of my peers.  I didn't talk like them, dress like them or think like them, whether I wanted to or not.  Yet I shared with them the heart desire for being accepted and understood.  And always, God has brought special, amazing friends into my life.

But the loneliness hit hard when I became a parent and rejected mainstream practices like spanking, cry-it-out, and so on.  I didn't know of anyone who believed like I did.  Thankfully, I had some MMMs--Message board Mama Mentors--who patiently shared with me, encouraged me and answered my myriad questions.  However, as dear as these ladies were to my heart, most of them were agnostics, atheists, or pagan.  I hadn't yet joined GCM, and although we shared many beliefs, not being able to share my heart for God with them made me a little lonely.  Even worse were the occasional doubts that would flicker through my mind.  Was I somehow missing God?  If every believer I knew was convinced that God wanted them to hit their babies and refuse to comfort them, was I somehow mistaken in believing that He was calling me to treat mine with compassion?

I believe that God understands more than we could imagine what it is to be misunderstood and to not fit in with those around us.  The deep desire for fellowship, intimacy and relationship is something that He placed within us.  And I believe that He meets those needs, both through His Spirit and through the people He brings into our lives.

That Sunday morning in the Nursing Moms room where I met Littlemama Midwife was a turning point for me.  I didn't want her to feel like she was going through some kind of inquisition, but with every guarded question ("So...um, is there a particular approach you use regarding discipline?) I felt more and more relief.  Finally, someone who was passionate about Jesus and about parenting the way I felt He was leading me to parent!

I needed a mentor, and Littlemama Midwife is an amazing teacher.  She taught me to babywear and made me a wrap.  She answered all my questions on vaccinations and encouraged and helped me as we navigated our way through the overwhelming amount of info after ds' reaction.  She didn't think I was weird for tandem nursing.  She was never shocked by preschoolers who still wanted leche.  She had several years of homeschooling experience and was always happy to answer questions on curriculum.

She understood the disappointment and sadness I felt when our pastor encouraged spanking, and prayed with us and encouraged us to write our letter.  On days when I secretly feared that all the spankers were right about my kids turning into brats if I didn't spank, I could look at her four beautifully behaved kids and see the future I was hoping for.

However, there was one area where I was sure we diverged.  I totally respected her beliefs regarding birth.  I was just sure that they didn't apply to me.  I'll take that epidural as soon as contractions are fifteen minutes apart, thankyouverymuch.  I'm only dilated to a three, you say?  Oh, well, bring on the pit...  I was pathetically uninformed, and it is only through amazing mercy that my births were not C-sections.  

But as soon as I became pregnant with our third child, I felt that the Holy Spirit was telling me not to have an epidural this time around.  I tried to ignore it.  I really, really did.  I couldn't, though.  The voice inside me kept growing more insistent.  Dh, bless him, thought I was nuts.  He didn't want to see me in pain and he was afraid that I would not be able to take it and then have to deal with the emotional fallout of changing my mind.  Littlemama was my one voice of encouragement, telling me that I could do it.  She shared resources, information, books, red raspberry leaf tea and hugs.

She came over early in my labor, and tenderly supported me through the whole thing.  I can't even imagine how tired her arms must have been after applying pressure, helping me find comfortable positions and constantly being exactly what I needed.  When we got to the hospital and one of the worst of the Planet of the Apes sequels was on, she understood my loathing and helped me laugh.

When my water broke and the OB turned white as a sheet and began yelling at me to push, she saw that I was tuning out and spoke quietly right into my ear what I needed to do.  The cord was prolapsed.  Thankfully, she was out in just a few pushes.  If I had had pitocin, if I had had an epidural and been unable to push like I needed to...I wouldn't have the little warrior princess I have now.

Heather, dd and me just a couple of days after the birth.

When I became pregnant again, she understood my desire for a homebirth.  When I thought that there was no way we could afford a homebirth, she was incredibly generous.  Once again she supported me all through labor, and when my 9lb 6oz sweetling whose hand was tucked up next to her ginormous cheeks finally popped out, she was able to catch her.

My internet friends are amazing and real.  But having someone who is there with us in the daily walk-it-out of parenting is something we all desperately need.  Since meeting Littlemama, God has brought some more awesome moms into my life--GentleMomof4, my SIL, my dear friend Becki and others, (soon to include the Peaceful Housewife!).

I think God has a tender spot for moms who need encouragement, love, support and guidance.  Although Littlemama is not older than I, she has fulfilled the role of the Titus 2 lady in my life in many ways, and I am so very, very grateful.  If you are needing a real-life friend, keep praying and looking.  I hope that you can find a sister of the heart like I did.  :)