Shall I Come to You with a Rod? ~ Guest Post by Becky Eanes

There is much debate within the Christian community about the "right way" to discipline children, and those of us who choose not to spank are often confronted with "the rod verses" in Proverbs as pro-spanking Christians try to prove their point.

I am not a theologian, and there have already been many writings on this subject, some of which can be viewed here, here, here, and here. Thus, I will not go into the Proverbs verses for this post. I want to, rather, take a look at 1 Corinthians.

Here, Paul is speaking to the church of God that is in Corinth. There is division among this church and all sorts of wrongdoing, and he writes to them and admonishes them for the things they are doing. Let's take a look at 1 Cor 4:14-21.

I do not write these things to make you ashamed, but to admonish you as my beloved children. For though you have countless guides in Christ, you do not have many fathers. For I became your father in Christ Jesus through the gospel. I urge you, then, be imitators of me. That is why I sent you Timothy  my beloved and faithful child in the Lord, to remind you of my ways in Christ, as I teach them everywhere in every church. Some are arrogant, as though I were not coming to you. But I will come to you soon, if the Lord wills, and I will find out not the talk of these arrogant people but their power. For the kingdom of God does not consist in talk but in power. What do you wish? Shall I come to you with a rod, or with love in a spirit of gentleness?

I believe Paul is providing us with a powerful example here. He is speaking to this church as they are his children and he is their father, and he tells them he is admonishing them as his beloved children, and that he does not want to shame them! Children need to be corrected and taught what is right, turned from their wrongdoing and set on the right path, and this can be done through teaching and without shame. Paul tells them "be imitators of me." In other words, he is not asking them to do what he, himself, is not doing.

Then Paul says to them, "What do you wish? Shall I come to you with a rod, or with love in a spirit of gentleness?"

Paul is saying there is a choice here. I can come to you with a rod. Or I can come to you with love in a spirit of gentleness.

Just as Paul recognized that choice with his "children," so we have a choice with our own children. We can come to them with a rod. Or, we can come to them with love in a spirit of gentleness. Love and gentleness are fruits of the Spirit (Gal 4:22-23), and we know when we accept Christ, we also abide with the Spirit.(Acts 2:38) Therefore, we should also show these fruits.

In my upcoming devotional eBook Parenting in the Spirit, I will look at each of the fruits of the spirit and discuss how these can be manifested in our parenting. I hope you'll pick up that resource when it comes available (I'm hoping it will be available by July 2013).

In the meantime, consider this choice that Paul has outlined here, and I will close as Paul did. "Let all that you do be done in love." (1 Cor. 16:14)

**You may request a copy of the book Thy Rod and Thy Staff They Comfort Me: Christians and the Spanking Controversy by emailing Samuel Martin at info@biblechild.com.

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Becky Eanes is the founder of positive-parents.org and Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond on Facebook. She lives with her husband and 2 young sons. She is also one of my heroes.  My family and I have been incredibly blessed by the grace and truth in her writings, and I am so very honored to have her share this post.  Please check out her incredibly inspiring and powerful post on speaking Biblical blessings over our children, and my review of her book, Positive Parenting in Action, and her website, Peace at Home Books.

Biblical Instructions for Discipline: How Should a Christian Parent?

The debate over Proverbs and spanking often seems to overshadow our view of what the Bible really teaches parents.  I do believe that it is important for believers to examine those passages carefully.  What often gets lost in the focus on spanking though is that the Bible has a great deal to teach parents in other passages, too.  One of the principles of gentle discipline is that instead of just telling our children what not to do, that we give clear, positive direction of what they should do instead.  I believe God does that with His Word.  Let's examine some other verses that apply to parental relationships!

Image credit: robtxgal on Flickr

* "Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one! You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength. And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart.  You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up."~ Deut. 6:4-7 (We as parents must hold God's Word in our hearts and then impart it to our children by spending time with them and taking advantage of every opportunity to share our hearts and teach them.  Discipline is about teaching and making disciples, not punishing them afterwards for our failure to teach!)


* "Brothers and sisters, if a person is caught doing something wrong, you who are spiritual should restore someone like this with a spirit of gentleness. Watch out for yourselves so you won’t be tempted too." ~ Galatians 6:1 CEB  (The goal is restoring relationship, and that requires gentleness and humility.)


* “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’"  ~  Matthew 25:40  (Note: In Spanish, it says "the smallest" of these.  What an incredibly powerful thought--how I treat my little ones is a reflection of how I would treat my God.)

* "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment." ~ I John 4:18  (Letting go of fear, letting go of punishment, embracing love).

* "Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.  Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." ~ II Corinthians 1:2-4  (Whether it is my baby crying in the night, or my toddler having a meltdown, or my older child distressed over a "little thing", my response should be to validate and comfort. )

* "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets."  Matthew 7:12  (Would I want it done to me?  No?  Then I shouldn't do it to my children.  What do I want?  Respect?  Gratitude?  Thoughtfulness?  Am I demonstrating those qualities in the way I act toward them?)

* "Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.   Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.  ... Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged. " ~ Colossians 3:12-15, 21  (Compassion, forgiveness, peace, gratitude.  Nothing that will provoke them or cause bitterness or discouragement.)

* ^"Within minutes they were bickering over who of them would end up the greatest. But Jesus intervened: "Kings like to throw their weight around and people in authority like to give themselves fancy titles. It's not going to be that way with you. Let the senior among you become like the junior; let the leader act the part of the servant."  ~ Luke 22:24-26 (The Message)  (My authority as a parent is not a justification for controlling my children; it is the power to care for them.)

* "And they were bringing children to him that he might touch them, and the disciples rebuked them. But when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to them, “Let the children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.” And he took them in his arms and blessed them, laying his hands on them." ~ Mark 10:13-16 (Jesus showed physical affection to children.  He took them in His arms.  When He laid hands on them, it was an act of blessing, not punishment.  The children didn't flinch when Jesus raised His hands toward them.) 

* "See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven. " ~ Matthew 18:10 (To despise means to see as of little value.  It is easy to want to depreciate the feelings of children, to consider their thoughts or emotions as less important than those of other adults.  Consider how your would treat an honored friend in the same situation, and how that could affect your response to your child.)

* "Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. ~ Romans 12:17-21 (Rather than looking for ways to get back at our children or "make them sorry" for their mistakes, we are to treat them kindly--they aren't even our enemies!--and meet their needs instead.)


There are many passages throughout Scripture that model for parents how we are to treat our children.  I believe that all Scripture is valuable, and when we look at the Bible as a whole, it becomes clear that God's purpose is always to bring about healing, restoration and connection with Him.  I wanted to focus on some passages that I feel are often overlooked by believers, but I also believe that there is tremendous wisdom in the Proverbs verses, the Beatitudes, the 10 commandments and Hebrews, as well. 


When I read over these verses, I see the consistency in the grace that God has lavished on me being poured out on my children, as well.  I breathe in the peace, patience, kindness, love and even joy that is the fruit of the Spirit, and realize that Biblical discipline starts in my own life and in the way I teach my children, and grows in our relationship.  It isn't something I do *to* my children--it is a part of who we are as we follow Christ.

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Please join us all week, June 25-June30, 2012, as we explore the world of gentle, effective parenting. We have new posts each day by talented authors providing us with insight into why gentle parenting is worth your time and how to implement it on a daily basis.


We are also giving away several parenting book and other goodies from our sponsors this week. Please stop by and enter to win!


This year's beautiful motherhood artwork is by Patchwork Family Art. Visit the store to see all her work.

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Happiness Isn't the Only Acceptable Emotion

"Happiness isn't the only acceptable emotion." ~ Crystal Lutton

Image credit: d listy

One of the most beautiful things about attachment parenting is the honesty and authenticity that is welcomed from our children.  For most of us, it takes conscious mental reprogramming to value a child's cry and take it exactly as seriously as it sounds.  Our culture tells us to let them cry it out, and dismisses their distress as something trivial.  Yet we have chosen to hear our child's cry as the communication it really is and respond with empathy and compassion.

But do you ever need a good cry?  Even if someone cannot "fix it"?

I do.  There are times when my children do, too.  After years of refusing to let my children cry it out, though, I realized that I was falling into my own version of seeing happiness as the only acceptable emotion.  I didn't want them to cry or be upset, and I felt as though allowing them to cry was wrong somehow.  I wanted them to be happy all the time.  It was so ingrained that I began to inadvertently communicate the idea to them that they *had* to be happy, even when that was unrealistic and inauthentic.

The truth is that all of us get hurt or disappointed sometimes. There are many ways to express big emotions, sure--using our words, art, dances, writing.  Sometimes, though, we just need that pressure valve release of a good cry.

I have heard from some very dear mamas recently who have been deeply burdened with feelings of guilt that their children cry and that they can't make it better.  I want so much to hug them and tell them that it is OK.  I absolutely do NOT advocate leaving children to cry in an effort to teach them to sleep, to self-soothe or anything punitive.  I am not saying it is OK to callously ignore distress.  But we won't always be able to prevent all crying on their part, and we should not try.

How does a compassionate parent handle crying?


* Listening.  Making sure that they feel heard.  Have you ever tried to pour you heart out to someone and wind up frustrated when they fired off solutions without fully hearing you?


* Empowering.  When we do offer solutions, allow them to be a part of fixing the situation.  Instead of swooping in to rescue, offer ideas and support in carrying them out, but make sure that they are also a part of it.  This might look like helping them with a script and then standing with them as they confront someone.


* Offering comfort.  Do they need a hug?  To be held?  Our presence near them?  Time to themselves?  

Mamas, you are not failing your children somehow if they cry and get upset.  You are not failing them if you cannot always fix the problem.  Just continue to listen, to empower them to take part in their own solutions and let them know you care.  Your love and support will allow them to take these times of distress and emerge stronger, more deeply connected and full of joy.

Not-So-Super Powers

My little sweetlings love playing super heroes.  They race around making appropriate noises for all of their pretend super powers--beeps, whirs, laser sounds, flying webs--and in their imaginations, they are capable of anything.

It turns out that my mutant gifted children do have amazing powers that I never imagined before becoming a mom.  Sadly, these powers are not always used for good.  I will refrain from labeling my own kidlets villains, but here are a few of their not-so-super powers:

• Sharpie generators.  I learned quickly that kids and permanent markers don't mix.  At first, I merely hid the markers.  When that proved ineffective, I tossed them and only purchased washable ones.  Once I discovered to my dismay that the washable part of that was not a guarantee, I stopped buying them altogether.  That was years ago.  Despite ruthless, swift destruction of every marker that we find, they continually appear.  My husband and I gaze at each other in consternation. Suspicious accusations, "Did you buy that?"  followed by sincerely horrified, indignant denials have convinced both of us that our children possess a remarkable ability to replicate them out of thin air.  Or possibly transform them from ordinary socks or hair clips, which always go missing.

• Levitation.  I used to wish I could fly, and even jumped from our (low) roof with a trash-bag parachute once.  My children can do the real thing.  Not always, of course.  But if anything (such as the aforementioned markers, lipstick, my chocolate stash or any other forbidden object) is placed up high, they develop ninja skills more convincing than any of the old Japanese movies.  Even the toddler can ascend to the top of the refrigerator in a split second.  

• Interruptor sensors.  Forget shining the bat signal.  My children have a much more reliable sensor that detects not only when I am on an important phone call or conversation, but is even attuned to the exact degree of  urgency or seriousness involved.  They will be happily engaged, playing quietly until it begins.  Their sensor instantly alerts them.  If it is a casual chat with a friend, they will have correspondingly casual questions or requests.  If it is my boss or something similar, they will not rest until they have succeeded in diffusing the call, using ear-splitting shrieks as needed.
   
• Techno prowess.  I consider myself reasonably competent when it comes to electronics.  Even when VCRs were common, I never had problems programming them.  The digital clock on our stove always tells the correct time.  My children, though, surpass me by far.  They have all possessed an uncanny, infallible instinct from babyhood for pressing the precise button to delete saved programs, turn off any show a sibling was watching, and erase any document I was working on.  I won't even mention the number of deleted apps.  Even if they were still crawling, they would somehow use the aforementioned ninja skills to reach buttons that were, to all appearances, far out of reach.  On a related note, they are also able to cause remotes to materialize and dematerialize at will. 

I love and accept my children for who they are.  I am a little concerned that their super powers so often seem to be used for nefarious purposes.  But there is one more ability that is always used for good: they give the most powerful, loving and healing hugs in any universe.  What amazing abilities do your little ones possess?

The Practice of Breathing in Grace

There is tremendous, life-giving power in being enjoyed. But it is difficult to lay hold of sometimes. How many of us are still struggling to believe even now that God actually enjoys us? How easy is it to water down our perception of extravagant love to mean He tolerates us? I want my children to know they are enjoyed. Loved AND liked. Even that I delight in them, so that they will believe in their heart of hearts that their Heavenly Father delights in them, too. So that they can know the height and breadth and the depth of Christ's love for us.

Shame is ugly. It preys and gnaws on our hearts. So in the practice of enjoying my children I must guard against becoming the voice of shame that will whisper to them thirty years from now that they are disappointing. The rolled eyes and exasperated sigh at yet another mess to clean up. The pursed lips, flared nostrils and accusing gaze. I have been so guilty. And it breaks my heart because some days, despite all I want to be and believe, I still hear the voice of the Accuser in my own. Those are the days when I must deliberately apologize, acknowledge to them that I was wrong and speak Truth and Life over their hearts, to do my best to help heal the wounds I inflicted with a hard focus on temporal things instead of that which is eternal.

I am learning to breathe in grace. To inhale a deep lungful of tenderness. I'm not as consistent as I want to be yet, but these are my baby steps:

• Renewing my mind. Learning what age appropriate behavior looks like, and gentle ways to help teach.

• Surrounding myself with voices of grace. Making sure my newsfeed is full of encouragement for gentle parenting. Avoiding punitive, shame filled sources.  I find that the things I read stay with me, regardless of my conscious thoughts about it.

• Self care (I get reeeeeally grouchy if I don't get enough protein).  Also?  I self-medicate with copious amounts of coffee and chocolate.  I am OK with that.

• Silent talk my way through old recordings.  You know the ones.  Those phrases that automatically playback, maybe even from your own childhood.  "You know better than that! I can't believe that you... Do you understand me?!"  Force yourself to be silent while those thoughts pass through your mind, and once they are out of the way you can focus on productive ways to respond. 

• Stop, look, and listen.  Stop playing with the phone or computer (ouch!).  Look at their eyes. That's a big one for me. If I can hold eye contact long enough I start to really see them. Listen.  Closely enough to be able to repeat it and ask questions, not just nodding and Mhmm-ing.  They always have something to say that is worth listening to.

• Go someplace. Just getting out of the house helps sometimes, especially if it means a guaranteed 15 minutes of calm driving time without anyone climbing on me. By the time we reach out destination I am usually recharged. (And yes, I often play a CD, either soothing or loud enough to drown out any fussing).  Sunshine is always a plus, but any change in scenery is usually good.

• Change your perception. I used to look at the clock every time the baby woke and start calculating complicated formulas of how much sleep I had gotten or could possibly get. If x = the number of minutes it takes to get back to sleep, and y = the time when I have to get up....argh! I don't even like math! Once I started reveling in that peaceful time as the quietest time of the day, a moment to breathe in the scent of my baby's head as she nursed, to pour out my soul to God and listen to His heartbeat, it transformed the resentment and frustration into moments of rest and peace. 

• Be silly. Let loose your inner goofball! Sometimes (Always) it is a little corny, but it is still fun. I am not especially creative.  And I am a dismal failure at craftsy stuff.  But I can sing nonsense songs off-key, do silly voices and funny faces.  Also?  They aren't super critical, yet.  If I indoctrinate them early, maybe they will always appreciate my Bill Cosby wannabe attempts.

• Focus on what you want to be, not fear of failure.  Remind yourself of what your long-term goals are, not just how you feel in the moment.  20 years from now, what will matter?  Not the carpet.  But what I taught her about handling mistakes--her own and others'-- will.

• Let your kids coach you--tell them to speak up if you slip.

• Make it a practice to speak words of blessing over them daily.   And when you talk to them or about them, assign positive intent--instead of imagining evil motives, think of how you would approach a dear friend in the same situation.

• Make amends when you do mess up.   Apologize specifically and work on ways to restore connection and relationship.

My kids are enjoyable.  In fact, they are full of awesome.  It really isn't hard to enjoy them.  But I do need to be mindful of how I parent so that they will know how much I enjoy them.  So that the voice they hear inside as adults isn't one of sighing or shame, but one of delight, affirmation, joy and truth.

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This post was written for the Carnival of the Practices of Parenting by one of the most inspirational, brilliant writers out there, Sarah Bessey at Emerging Mummy.  Her posts always are filled with the fragrance of grace.  Please visit and read all of the other linked posts!  I know you will find chocolate for your heart there.

The Power of Words--Guest Post by Becky Eanes of Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond

Image credit: edenpictures on Flickr

The Bible has much to say about the power of our tongues. As parents, we have an incredible opportunity to build our children up and to speak blessings into their lives, but so often we fall into the habit of constantly correcting our children or having sharp tongues when we speak to them. When we nitpick, find fault, and criticize our children, we destroy their self–image, and with our negative words, we will open a door, allowing the enemy to bring all sorts of insecurity and inferiority into our child's life.  Such negative words will cause our children to lose the sense of value God has placed within them.

There are many verses in Proverbs relating to the power of our words.  Here are a few.

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.  Proverbs 18:21

There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 12:18

Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body. Proverbs 16:24

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit. Proverbs 15:4

Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding.  Proverbs 17:27

It’s interesting that Romans 12:14 tells us: Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them.

If we are to bless those who persecute us, how much more so should we bless our children? I believe our parenting will be profoundly impacted if we study on these scriptures as it relates to how we talk to those whom God has entrusted us with.

Ephesians 4:29 (ESV) tells us: Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Let us be reminded to encourage and build up our children, to intentionally look for and point out their good qualities. Let us be reminded to guard the words that come out of our mouths, that they may only be used to build them up and give them grace.

Psychology is catching up with what the Bible has already taught us, that if we continually speak negative words to our children, their self-concept will be adversely affected.  They see themselves as they believe we see them, and they behave according to that self-concept. 

If we choose to discourage our children, to speak negativity and destruction into their lives, we will give an account to the Lord.

I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak. Matthew 12:36 (ESV)

With authority comes responsibility, and we have the responsibility as the spiritual authority over our children to make sure that they feel loved, accepted, and approved.  Speak blessings over your children daily. Words are powerful both for the one who speaks them and the one who receives them.

Saying a blessing out loud empowers our children to step into their calling. This intentional act has the power to transform their lives and set them on the right path.  Ask God to give you the exact words to share with each of your children, and make time each day to speak this blessing over them. The blessing may look like this:

I bless your life as I know you will become a wonderful woman/man of God. I bless your mind to remain sound and for you to have wisdom and discernment in all decisions. I bless your mouth where words of truth and encouragement will flow. I bless your heart to remain loyal to God’s will for your life. I love everything about you, and I am proud to be your mother. You bless our family and your friends in so many ways.

When we start speaking this over our children, I believe we set them up for success.  No matter how young or old your children are, you can bless them with your words. You can bless them in the crib or bless them when they bring their families to visit you at Christmas.  As their parent, your words are powerful regardless of their age.

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Becky Eanes is the founder of positive-parents.org and Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond on Facebook. She lives with her husband and 2 young sons. She is also one of my heroes.  My family and I have been incredibly blessed by the grace and truth in her writings, and I am so very honored to have her share this post.  <3

Opening Up the GD Toolbox: Physical Needs

Image credit goaliej54 on Flickr

Choosing to use gentle discipline is scary at first.  What are you going to do if you give up spanking?  Time out?  What if that doesn't work?  Take away privileges?  What if your kids are too young to really care?  I remember that feeling in the pit of my stomach when we first decided not to spank.  It was like jumping off a cliff and not being sure of the landing.

It turns out that there are many, many tools besides spanking and time outs.  I gave an overview of some of our favorites, but now I want to open up that toolbox by focusing on each one, with practical tips of how to use it.  Even if spanking is still one of your tools right now, I hope that as you read through the alternatives you will find fewer reasons to use it. For more in this series, click here.

Looking for more practical tips?  Check out my favorite post from the Hippie Housewife on The Hows of Discipline (and read through all the comments!),  Pearl in Oyster's 52 Tool Cards series and Aha! Parenting's blog.  Do you need inspiration and a reminder of why and how to do this?  Read Emerging Mummy's Practices of Mothering and Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond.  If you have other great resources or ideas, please add them in the comments.

Meeting Physical Needs

Punitive parenting is about responding to a behavior.  Proactive parenting means that instead of waiting for a problem, we work at helping our kids *before* it gets to that point.  One of the basic ways to do this is to make sure that physical needs are being met.  When I first heard that kind of reminder, I felt a tad defensive.  Is she implying that I am a neglectful parent?  Of course I take care of physical needs!!

Image credit lindaaslund on Flickr

I am sure that you do what you can to meet your child's needs.  But in the hustle and bustle of all the responsibilities that we have, many of us fall into the habit of ignoring our physical needs to get things done.  Sometimes, our kids do that, too.  If I go too long without a snack or break, I get grouchy, and so do my kids.  I have learned to ask at regular intervals:  Are we getting healthy snacks?  Plenty to drink?  Enough rest?  Younger kids even get so busy playing at times that they ignore a need to go to the bathroom.  


Another important physical need is exercise.  We all need those endorphins.  A huge part of why we homeschool is that my kids need plenty of physical activity, and sitting in a classroom wouldn't allow them to run, climb, dance, jump and do everything else they need to do in order to use their growing muscles and get the wiggles out.  This is all well and good, but what if you can't go outside?  A couple of our favorite indoor activities are pillow piles and the pushing game.  Dancing is always good, especially when mixed with a moment to freeze and see who has the funniest position or expression.  


I know there are some people who suspect that parents nowadays invent food allergies for their kids.  Whatever the reasons behind food allergies, the truth is that they have risen dramatically, and they often don't look like hives and anaphylaxis.  And young kids may not be able to verbalize their symptoms.  Mold gives me an exhausted, foggy-brained  feeling that I struggle to put into words, even as an adult.  I have difficulty concentrating and a headache.  A lot of kids respond to wheat or gluten that way.  Tummy troubles, mucousy stools, constipation and other issues can make a child very cranky.  Some kids react to food dyes, gluten and other common foods by getting hyper and bouncing off the walls.  According to our allergist, dairy and other foods can even cause bladder spasms, so that a child doesn't feel the urge to urinate then suddenly has an accident. 

Image credit Wallula Junction on Flickr

Most of us are sympathetic to a baby who is teething.  But we forget about it as they get older.  Molars, though, are some of the most painful teeth to break through the gums, and they come through around two years and again around six.  No wonder those are some of the toughest ages for kids!  I remember the pain of wisdom teeth coming through, and for little kids to deal with the constant irritation and inflammation of cutting molars has to take a toll on their behavior some days.

How often have our kids had a tough day, and then the next day they get sick?  I can't tell how many times I have been aggravated at their behavior, only to look back a day or two later and realize that they were coming down with something.  Even if they don't have visible symptoms yet, they may be fighting off an ear infection, a virus or something else.

Finally, while no one wants to suspect that their child has special needs, it often isn't until children are much older that issues like an auditory processing disorder or other things are diagnosed.  Make sure that you are giving sufficient time for your child to completely understand your request and then to respond (which even in neurotypical kids often takes much longer than we realize).  I have even known of families who eventually discovered hearing loss in their child and finally realized that much of what had seemed to be willfully ignoring them was not.  And of course, there are tons of possibilities I haven't covered here.   If your default is to assume that they are doing the best that they can in a given moment, it will save a lot of energy from regret later!


People who don't feel well usually don't act right.  We know that.  But sometimes we need to be reminded.  If your child's behavior is telling you that something is wrong, take a look at possible physical causes.  There might be more going on than meets the eye.

But They Look So Happy!

Image credit masochismtango on Flickr

News about the Duggars’ newest baby has spawned a number of online arguments. One of the most frequent comments was about how cheerful their family is, especially the children; how Michelle is a great mom who doesn't yell. Life must be working for them, because the kids are well behaved and look happy. Sounds reasonable, right?


I might believe it, if I didn't know what I know of Gothard/ATI, the Pearls, and S. M Davis. One of the creepiest things about their teachings is that happy is the only acceptable emotion. Not only must children be perfectly compliant at all times, they must also look cheerful at all times.


The Duggars are deeply enmeshed in ATI, (Gothard's homeschooling program) and ATI takes allegiance very seriously. It isn't a vague statement of beliefs that you sign so your kids can take the courses. It is several pages of in-depth info that covers what kind of music you can listen to (no Christian rock), the kind of TV you may watch (mainly Christian DVDs), the way you must dress (those jumpers are about modesty), the kind of punishments the parents must use (spankings), and more. It isn't just a curriculum--it is a lifestyle which delves into family finances, child planning and every other detail.


One key idea teaches the importance of a joyful countenance and a light in your eyes. This is a measure of how mighty you are in spirit. Not only that, it is also an indicator of your respect for authority. Bill Gothard explains in the Basic Seminar session on How To Relate to Four Authorities that if you look unhappy, you are publicly shaming your authority. In parenting, that means that if the kid looks unhappy, it is a personal offense against the parents. He also teaches that unhappiness is the result of ungratefulness, and that anger comes from not yielding our rights to God. This boils down to the idea that if you are not cheerful, you are not pleasing God.


The Duggars also strongly recommend S. M. Davis in their Family Favorites link under Solving Family Problems. Although he is perhaps not as well known as Gothard or the Pearls, his teachings are similar. Along with the strong insistence on father rule and corporal punishment, he is adamant that not only must the child immediately obey without question, but that it must also be done with a smile.


In advising parents of young children, he says, "They need to learn to obey what you say, do it right away and do it with a smile. Maybe that is a statement that you should have your children memorize and even hang in your home. ‘Do what I say, when I say and with a smile.’" A few lines later, he repeats it, "After all, isn’t the goal immediate obedience with a smile? If it isn’t that, it isn’t obedience, and the child has won." (Quite a contrast to Jesus' parable of the two sons in Matthew 28!). 


There has long been a lot of speculation about whether the Duggars use the controversial punishment methods taught by Michael and Debi Pearl in To Train Up a Child (TTUAC). The Duggar’s website includes it along with a glowing recommendation. Considering that some of the other recommendations list personal details about how the materials were used by the family, I cannot believe that it was randomly included on their site without their approval.


Pearl's writings contain many nauseating anecdotes about how children (even infants) who expressed unhappiness or anger following punishment, were hit even harder and longer until they were ‘cheerful’. One of these examples is found in Chapter 13 of To Train Up a Child:

"My nine- and eleven-year-old daughters came in from a neighbor's house complaining of a young mother's failure to train her child. A seven-month-old boy had, upon failing to get his way, stiffened, clenched his fists, bared his toothless gums and called down damnation on the whole place. At a time like that, the angry expression on a baby's face can resemble that of one instigating a riot. The young mother, wanting to do the right thing, stood there in helpless consternation, apologetically shrugged her shoulders and said, "What can I do?" My incredulous nine-year-old whipped back, "Switch him." The mother responded, "I can't, he's too little." With the wisdom of a veteran who had been on the little end of the switch, my daughter answered, "If he is old enough to pitch a fit, he is old enough to be spanked.""

A seven month old. Hit with a switch for crying. How twisted is that?

He goes on to add, "Bad attitude is pure bad. For as a child "thinketh in his heart, so is he (Prov. 23: 7)." "Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life (Prov. 4:23)." If a child shows the least displeasure in response to a command or duty, it should be addressed as disobedience. If a child sticks out his lip, you should focus your training on his bad attitude. The wrong slant of the shoulders reveals a bad frame of mind. Consider this a sign to instruct, train or discipline. A cheerful, compliant spirit is the norm. Anything else is a sign of trouble."

So it isn't just verbal disagreement. A "wrong" slant of the shoulders deserves punishment. Children are taught from babyhood to always be cheerful, or else they deserve a spanking. As they grow older, it is not just the fear of a spanking that causes them to keep smiling. It is the sincere belief that they are sinning with ungratefulness, rebellion and more if they don't present a happy face.

You know the whole fake it till you make it idea? It is pretty effective. I am sure that there are plenty of times where the kids are genuinely happy. There are many good things in their lives, and I do believe that the kids are loved. I am not saying that it is all a sham. I do strongly suspect that the habit of "joyfulness" is so deeply ingrained that denying "ungodly emotions" is automatic by now.

If you repeatedly ignore a feeling of satiety and force yourself to continue eating, eventually it becomes very, very difficult to even recognize when you are full. In the same way, those who have come out of cultures where they must always present a calm, smiling face, often go through a phase where they can’t even recognize which feelings are authentic and which ones have become nothing more than a conditioned response. If you are under observation or threat of punishment all the time, such emotional repression becomes an essential defense mechanism to protect yourself.

A very telling question is, "Do they laugh?" Yes, they smile often. But how often do they lose themselves in a deep belly laugh? What other emotions do you see openly displayed besides peace and contentment? Do you see spontaneous outbursts of any strong feeling, even joy? Or is every response carefully contained? Do they ever flip a switch? Go from distress to instant calm?

Self control is admirable, of course. But so is healthy self expression. Suppression is not. Consider how the Bible portrays emotion.  Jesus wept. He even cried to the point of bloody tears.  He got angry, threw over tables and chased people out of the Temple. There were times when He sounded suspiciously close to exasperation with the disciples. David, the man after God's own heart, yelled and raged, cried and despaired. Read the stories of the heroes of faith- they argued, tantrumed, got discouraged, and felt afraid. They were open and real with their big emotions, even when they looked messy.

Part of our job as parents is to give our children healthy ways to express all of their feelings, not to punish them for having the feelings in the first place.  Expressing intense feelings in safe and appropriate ways is a skill that requires practice.  We must model speaking the truth in love.

For many people who follow Gothard, Davis and the Pearls, there is incredibly strong pressure to be a salesperson witness. Your countenance is your sales pitch testimony, and if you present an ugly picture to the world, it is a public shaming of your parents and ultimately your God. Are you going to be the cause of people in the world turning from Christ?

I have heard women who are part of this mindset justify staying in abusive relationships because "it would look so bad for a Christian to divorce". As if God would rather you live a damaging lie and deceive others than expose the truth that even families who claim Him are not perfect. (Shhhh. Maybe He won't know that your marriage is really broken as long as you don't sign divorce papers! It is the letter, not the spirit that counts, right? Oh, wait...) Please check out Families Where Grace is In Place or Grace Based Living to read more about living free from curse-filled relationships.

I believe that God values wholehearted authenticity over superficial perfection. As C. S. Lewis expressed so powerfully, "until we have faces" and remove our veils, we will not have the relationship with God or others that we were meant to experience. Such honesty and vulnerability is often uncomfortable, both to demonstrate and to witness, but it is vital. 

He is truly a God who is our Rock, the anchor for our souls. He is big enough to handle our fleeting emotions, even the messy ones. He can take our deepest questions. We can pour out anguish, discouragement, loneliness, petty annoyances, frustration and anger, knowing that His arms are everlasting and that He has promised to wipe away all tears from our eyes.

Jesus didn't say, "...or I'll give you something to cry about!" Instead, He said, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." He doesn't condemn us for our feelings. He comes alongside us and comforts us. He doesn't punish us if our smile slips.

So when I hear someone say, "But they look so happy!" I can't help but think, "Of course they do. They know that happy is the only acceptable emotion in their world. But is it really happiness when you aren't allowed to express anything else?"

If you are interested in more of what life is really like for someone growing up under Gothard and the Pearls, there is a wealth of information and stories at:


No Longer Qivering
Commandments of Men
Darcy's Heart-Stirrings
Enigma
Love, Joy, Feminism
Permission to Live
Recovering Grace
The Eighth and Final Square
Why Not Train a Child?
A Quiver Full of Information


Reference:
Davis, S. M. (2011) www.solvedifficultfamilyproblems.com. Difficult Young Child Help
Duggars, J and M. (2011) www.duggarfamily.com. Duggar Family Favorites and http://www.duggarfamily.com/content/amazon_blitz
Gothard, Bill. (2011) http://embassyinstitute.org/speakers/gothard Basic Seminar Session 04: How to Relate to Four Authorities.
Pearl, Michael. (1994). To Train Up a Child. No Greater Joy Ministries.

 ***Note***This has been edited from the original post to correspond to the version that I wrote for Home Educating Family Magazine.  Both versions were written before Mrs. Duggar's miscarriage.  Although I disagree very strongly with their position on many things, particularly corporal punishment and patriarchy, I believe that the loss of any child is a tragedy, and they have my very deepest sympathies. 

It's a Lifestyle, Not an Event

". . . gentle discipline is a lifestyle not an event. People have said 'we discipline like this' and then described how they spank, give time outs, enforce consequences, etc. I have realized that discipline is about teaching, and we teach our children every moment of every day." ~ SonshineMama via Gentle Christian Mothers

When we first began to look at gentle discipline, I was full of panicky questions.  "What about this?  But what if they still don't do what I want them to?  Then how do I handle this?"  Looking back now, a couple of things stand out to me.  I still saw discipline as an event.  A "consequence" to a specific situation.  And I still thought it was about controlling my child's behavior, just in a nicer way. 

Over the years, my perspective has changed.  It isn't an event anymore.  It is a way of life.  And it isn't just about parenting.  It is for all my relationships. It applies to my marriage, my coworkers, my students, my friends--anyone who is part of my life.  So what does it look like?

Image credit Walking Geek on Flickr

Connection, not competition.  Instead of seeing others as opponents and viewing interactions as winning and losing, I need to focus on the relationship.  My kids aren't adversaries, and I don't have to view anything as a battle.  No one has to lose.  Really.  If we are on the same team, then I can focus my energy on what works best for *everyone* involved. In a disagreement with my husband, with a friend, or anyone else, this still holds true.  If I direct my attention to our relationship, it is amazing how many little things resolve themselves.  Even for boundaries that must be marked out and enforced, when it is within the framework of loving connection it allows so much more harmony and peace.

Looking for the unmet need behind the behavior.  Whether it is a child in the middle of a meltdown, a stranger who is less than courteous, a cranky spouse, a manipulative mother in law--if you can see the motive behind the actions, it is much easier to respond with grace.  Unacceptable behavior is always about someone trying to meet their own needs in an inappropriate way.  "Punishing" them for it with our own unacceptable behavior doesn't help.  If you know what the root cause is, you may be able to find a better way to help them meet their needs.  Maybe they need to feel connected?  Heard?  Maybe they just need something as simple as a snack or a breather.  Maybe they are exhausted, afraid or stressed out?  Perhaps they feel out of control of other areas and are trying to compensate?  Even if it isn't a need that you are able to meet, identifying it can help you deal with the symptoms.

Clear communication is an essential part of gentle discipline and gentle living.  And for most of us, it is like learning a whole new language.   It starts with eliminating unhelpful patterns that only alienate others.  Then it involves learning how to identify and clearly express what we *do* want and need.  As parents, we learn that shaming, vague instructions and merely telling them what not to do (instead of alternatives that would work better) aren't effective ways to communicate with our children.  They don't work well with adults, either.   Honesty is important, too.  If you imagine that gentleness means a sugary, artificial passivity while others wreak havoc, you are wrong.  Lying to ourselves and others doesn't help anyone.  Nonviolent communication is an amazing book.  I really can't recommend it enough. 

Protecting ourselves and others.  At its core, gentle discipline is about respect for healthy boundaries--theirs and ours.  We need to take responsibility for ourselves, and not give others power over us that should not belong to them (they can't handle it appropriately, anyway).   We must own our words, feelings and actions.  Then we must allow others to own their words, feelings and actions.  If you have been conditioned to avoid conflict, it seems at first much easier to just do your best to please everyone until you collapse or explode from the burden.  I think that for women, especially, this is a model that many of us have grown up with, and establishing a new pattern can seem daunting.  The thing is, conflict will eventually come, regardless of our efforts to avoid it.  We cannot make other people happy.  Allowing them the right to experience and learn how to handle their own feelings is essential, whether they are three or thirty.  Happy is not the only acceptable emotion, but expressing other feelings without hurting the people around us takes knowledge and practice.

Image credit williamcho on Flickr

Smell like love.  Each of us creates our own atmosphere.  Like a perfume, peace in our hearts emits a fragrance that influences everyone around us.  When I am anxious, edgy or upset, all of my family members pick up on it. And if you have ever been around someone who tried to mask BO with a heavy dose of perfume, you know that covering up unpleasant odors doesn't work! 

If the air around us stinks, it is a signal to look at our own unmet needs.  Maybe there is fear from past events that haven't fully healed.  So often when we begin to look at others' actions through a lens of grace and see the needs driving their behavior, it alerts us to our own needs that we have been trying to meet in unhealthy ways.  I want my life to radiate love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, trustworthiness, gentleness and self-control.  But those fruits don't spring out of nowhere--they must be planted and nurtured in my life.  Weeds that would choke them out or stunt their growth need to be pulled.

So I am in the process of moving toward a life full of grace.  Not a series of discrete events.  Not just as a form of discipline.  Not just for my children.  I am not there yet, but I am excited about the journey.  When I first began the road to gentle discipline, the writings of Crystal Lutton helped me tremendously.  Her book, Biblical Parenting, answered so many of my questions and gave me a new way of looking at a lot of things.  While mulling over this whole idea of Grace Based Living, I found that her book on that is available on Kindle.  I am going to get it today.  :) I am so excited about intentionally learning and growing in a lifestyle of grace, and so thankful for all of you who are joining me.  <3

Disclaimer: Crystal Lutton and the Gentle Christian Mothers message board have been an amazing source of inspiration, help and grace in my life.  However, we are all individuals and I do not speak for them.  I am sure that there are some posts of mine that they might disagree with.  Feel free to attribute any good stuff to their influence, and stuff that is not so good is probably my own.  ;)   I don't have enough words to express how incredible these ladies are or how much they have blessed my family, so instead I would just invite you to join GCM and see for yourself.  <3

It's Not Just About Spanking

Image credit Ed Yourdon on Flickr

"I just don't know what to do.  I don't want to hit her, but how else can I control her?"

"Well, I have found loss of privilege to be effective.  If she doesn't do what you want, start taking away things that matter to her.  Cut off any spending money, time on the computer, going out with friends.  Or you can always do a time-out."

"I tried that, but she gets so worked up.  You should have seen her tantrum the other day!  She came home from work and had a meltdown for no reason.  She wanted me to help clean the house or something, and when I said no, she flipped."

"Yeah, my wife does that, too.  The important thing is to never give in.  Stay strong and refuse to pay any attention.  Eventually, she'll stop."

"You're right.  I can't let her win, or she will just learn that she can get what she wants any time she cries.  I just feel like she doesn't respect me."

"That is awful.  Do you think her friends are a bad influence?"

"Yeah, I should probably limit her time with them.  Our marriage was so much easier before."

**********************

Even when we choose not to spank, it can be incredibly difficult to get out of the punitive mindset.  I know that a parent-child relationship has some differences from a marriage, but I still think that it is ludicrous to suppose that domineering, adversarial thinking is healthy for *any* relationship.  Looking to other forms of punishment such as time-out, etc., perpetuates the same dynamic as spanking, even if it is physically more gentle.  It is very difficult to change, though.  It is so deeply ingrained in our culture that we rarely notice the contradictions or absurdity of the way we relate to children.

Striking a child is a tangible act.  Emotional punishments are much more subtle.  Yet can we really suppose that deliberately hurting our child emotionally is benign?  How many adults still struggle with the shaming messages that they heard as children?  If we shun and isolate our children for expressing big emotions, can we logically expect them to confide in us as they grow older?  If we are constantly suspicious of negative intentions on their part, when will they realize that we are going to believe the worst anyway and stop trying to please us?  If we treat them as nuisances, how are they to know they are worth any more than that?  If we still try to manipulate them through rewards and punishments, does it erode intrinsic motivation any less simply because the punishment isn't physical?

One of the glaring problems in the dialogue at the beginning of the post was the focus of the relationship: control.  Control should never be the focus of a loving relationship.  "But I am the parent!  I have to control my child!"  Certainly, you have a responsibility to keep your child and others safe.  But if your are trying to control their emotions, thoughts and beliefs, or emphasizing control rather than connection, your attempts are misguided and will ultimately hurt you both, because you are violating healthy boundaries.  Instead, you need to respectfully give them tools which they can use to express themselves in healthy ways, and set your mind and heart on loving them.

But the Bible says that children should obey their parents!  Yes, it does.  That is talking to the children, not to the parents.  It does not say that parents should force children to obey.  In Hebrew, obedience means that one has fully heard, understood from the heart and chosen to obey.  Crystal Lutton has some great resources on this.  True obedience is like respect--something that is freely granted, not demanded or coerced.

I get that there are times (rarely) where we may have to require compliance when obedience isn't granted.  In those cases, we can make it as respectful as possible.  Think of how you would treat an honored guest in that position.  Maintain emotional boundaries--that means control your own emotions, not theirs.  Give them as much dignity as you can.  (You are much more likely to retain your own dignity that way!).

The truth is that every argument against spanking applies just as well to other forms of punishment.  We must renew our minds.  Jesus warned that putting new wine into old wineskins doesn't work out well.  Once we taste the new wine of grace based discipline, if we try to put it into our old paradigms of punishment and control, we are just asking for explosions.

Grace is about a whole new outlook.  It means treating my children the way I would want to be treated if I were them in that situation.  It means forgiveness, compassion and connection.  It means assigning positive intent.  It means that I don't have to be the bad guy, because we are not enemies.  It means finding ways to work together so that everyone's needs are met, and all healthy boundaries are honored.  It isn't just about spanking or not spanking--it is about growing together in respect and love.

7 Steps for Getting Back on Track

In my post on taking a wrong turn with discipline, I promised to share some of the ways we course correct.  I also had some beautiful, wise comments from some of you on the original post and my Facebook page that helped so much.  Here are a few of the things that I am learning.

Image credit greengardenvienna on Flickr

1.  Think longterm.  Invariably, when I slip into this it is because I want short term results regardless of the cost.  Like eating junk food when pressed for time, I internally justify it because of extenuating circumstances.  The truth is, though, that there will always be extenuating circumstances.  If this is truly a priority for me--and it is--then I have to push past excuses.

2.   Take a break.  When it has already become a pattern that is spiraling out of control, taking a day or two to drastically break the cycle helps tremendously.  If I have been yelling, being quiet until I am filtering more easily helps.  If I have been rushed or stressed by outside things, taking a day to just focus on togetherness and connection and fun is crucial.

3.  Confess.  I need to tell my children that what I have been doing is wrong and apologize.  I also need to tell my husband to help both of us be more aware of it.  Very young children don't always realize that we can make mistakes.  They internalize that however they are treated by us is what they deserve.  I need to explicitly tell them that it isn't OK for anyone to treat them that way. 

4.  Make amends.  Restoring connection is a process.  It won't be a one-time action or apology.  I have found that one of the best things is to individually tailor it according to my children's love languages.  Ariana needs quality time, like a Starbucks date.  Joel needs lots of physical interaction.  Elena needs a gift (which does not have to be purchased). 

5.  Enlist their help.  Ask them to please tell me if I start to slip up.  Authentic Parenting had a great post on the power of having our children tell us when we are doing wrong.  This is such a valuable tool, not just for parenting, but for our children to practice regularly.  I didn't grow up with healthy boundaries modeled.  It is still easier for me to "be nice" until I reach the breaking point and then explode.  This is a great way to actively help my children to learn healthy patterns of interaction so that they will be comfortable with it as adults.  Encouraging my husband to speak up if he sees me acting hurtfully is important, too.  We are not a united front *against*our kids.

6.  Revisit my own GD toolbox. Sometimes, even when we have the tools we need, it seems easier in the moment to just rely on what is handy instead of what is actually best for the job.  I need to surround myself with a graceful community to help keep my mind where it needs to be, and go back through my toolboxes (for myself and for my kids) on a regular basis.  The more consciously I use all my tools, the happier I am with the results. 

7.  Remember that grace is for mamas, too.  If I start to shame myself (something I still fall into pretty easily) it sabotages my energy and my efforts to change.  I have to let go of the shame for past mistakes, and accept love and forgiveness.  This one is hard, but essential. 

We all make wrong turns sometimes.  It is part of being human, and part of growing.  The important thing is learning to recognize when we get off track and getting on the right road once more.  I am so grateful to all of you for your help as I navigate this journey!  <3  A special thanks to Toddler in Tow, The New Mommy Files: Memories, Milestones and Missteps, The Black Sheep Princess,  Momma in Progress, Hybrid Rasta Mama, and all of you who commented and shared some of your tips!  <3

Growing Smarter Children--Guest Post from Shelley Joy

Image credit familymwr on Flickr

I have learned many things throughout the years working with children and families. I have never met a parent who did not want his child to be smart and to do well in school. This unanimous goal holds true regardless of the socio-economical, cultural, educational, professional, or geographical differences within families. Each of us wants to raise bright children who do well. And who wouldn't want their child to do be successful, smart, and self-reliant?

An almost universal conviction is our children are a reflection of ourselves. We must keep our children clean. A dirty and unkempt child is a sign that, somehow, we have failed as parents. This is not necessarily so!

When I worked as an early childhood educator and administrator, parents would often complain of how dirty their child was at the end of the day. They were splattered with paint and glue and often times their feet were encrusted with mud between their toes. Even the most stalwart parent would cringe at the sight of their messy child!

There is a secret formula to "make kids smart." Let them get dirty! To the parents who expressed their desire for smart children, I would say, "I can make your child smart, but you have to let me let them get dirty! I can make them just a little smart and let them get a little dirty, or I can make them really smart and let them get a lot dirty. It is your child and definitely your choice."

Children learn best through play. It is their work! And play is often dirty, messy work. Play enables children to progress naturally through the developmental stages necessary to acquire reading and writing skills in school, as well as the important socio-emotional skills required to become successful and self-reliant students. Child initiated play, supported and facilitated by loving adults, is the single most important factor in early childhood learning.

Image credit nowviskie on Flickr

Children learn by doing
Children need years of play with real objects and events before they are able to understand the meaning of symbols such as letters and numbers. Learning takes place as young children touch, manipulate, and experiment with things and interact with people. Throughout early childhood, concepts and language gradually develop to enable children to understand more abstract or symbolic information. Children learn by manipulating their environment and materials, and the messier the better!

Activities should be open-ended, meaning there is no right or wrong way to use materials. Children are their own best teachers through the process of "doing," with the focus on process rather than product. Any activity that stimulates one dimension of development and learning affects other dimensions as well.

Mud, sand, and water along with cornstarch and water, are excellent open-ended materials. Combine these materials with regular household items such as spatulas, whisks, plastic measuring cups and bowls, and nature's finest learning materials turn into imaginative creations of expression and creativity.

Crayons, markers, paper, and glue are other open-ended materials that, combined with buttons, glitter, colored salt, and old magazines, make astonishing collages that are process-oriented.

Make a bowl of pudding and finger paint. The texture of pudding makes smooth and practical finger paint for young children. Add food coloring or a scented flavoring extract, like vanilla, almond, or citrus for a heightened sensory experience.

Preschool-age children enjoy the smooth, soft, and fluffy feeling of shaving cream as finger paint. Allow your preschool child to paint directly on the kitchen table if you desire. Shaving cream is easy to clean and leaves the room smelling fresh.

Using real household items, rather than child size plastic replicas, gives value and integrity to children's projects. Children enjoy, and also learn, by doing "real" work. Mortar and pestles for grinding, scrapers for scraping, wooden spoons for stirring, and wire whisks for whisking, make excellent "toys" for children.

Image credit david.james55 on Flickr

Fresh herbs, cinnamon sticks, cornmeal, and dried flowers are wonderful for grinding, scraping, and stirring. Children learn by using their senses: Imagine the smell of freshly ground herbs, cinnamon, and flowers! Simply add water, and you have a new "recipe" for success.

Garage sale pots and pans are excellent for "cooking" and recipes for learning. Just as easily, pots and pans also magically turn into the basics of a rhythm band.

Dollar store gardening tools that are not sharp, such as hand trowels and scoops, make excellent and long lasting sand toys and are great for digging worms.

Save old food boxes, cartons, and packages for children to use as props for their "house." When they begin to become worn and torn, as they will, throw them away and provide new ones.

Take a walk with your child in the rain, jump in a mud puddle, take off your shoes, and feel the mud between your toes!

Ordinary dish soap in a wash pan with water makes an excellent base for bubbles. Bubbles are joy-filled and magical. Use wire whisks, straws, strainers, and even your own hands to create different sized bubbles and a delightful "science" project. Dish soap in a small wading pool with water and a hula-hoop will add magic to any hot summer day and you'll have the entire neighborhood begging for more.

Real and authentic experiences are remembered. They are integrated into the very heart of the child simply because they are real. Authentic experiences are child-powered, not battery powered. They are experiences that integrate concrete, real-life experiences that are the key to motivated, meaningful learning in kindergarten and the primary grades. You say you want smart children? Let them play and get dirty!

Shelley is the author of Little Bird You are Perfect and numerous articles on parenting and enjoying life.  You can also find her on Facebook, where she is offers up encouragement and inspiration.  <3  I am so grateful for her voice of peace, love and joy in my life! <3