Opening Up the GD Toolbox: Play

I confessed to a couple of my dearest friends recently that although I love my kids dearly, I loathe playing with them.  Don't get me wrong--I really enjoy being with my children.  I delight in watching them play.  But actually participating, getting on the floor, jumping into games and pretending stuff?  That is hard.  Really hard.  It ranks about the same for me as small talk with someone with whom I have virtually nothing in common.  On the outside I try to smile and look attentive, but on the inside I am fidgeting, looking at a mental clock and wondering how soon I can politely disengage. 

Even though it is hard, I don't think I am especially good at it, and I rarely feel like doing it, I know that play is one of the most important things I can do with my children.  Besides all of the skills that children acquire through play, it is the key to two of their deepest needs: power and connection. 

Image credit PopCultureGeek on Flickr

Feeling helpless has got to be one of the absolute worst feelings in the world.  And, face it, when your greatest power consists of choosing the red shirt instead of the blue shirt today, being able to control a situation in play, to make your own choices and even change everything through your imagination is huge.  The key here is following your child's lead and not imposing your own preferences.  Offer role-reversals.  Let them be the parent and you be the child.  Let them rescue you.  The possibilities for empowering play are endless!

The other important by product of playing together is connection.  I am not a particular fan of Sponge Bob or Spiderman, but my son is.  And when I play with him, he learns that his interests, his likes and feelings are important to me.  He matters.

Physical connection goes hand in hand with the emotional connection of play.  Sometimes when our young explorers begin to move away from all the physical connections of breastfeeding, babywearing and bed sharing, we forget to make time for other healthy touch.  Rough housing, tag, hide and seek, and other games that deal with separation and connection are important.  We love the pushing game.  Filling little love cups with fun filled physical affection is one of the best aspects of play.

Meeting the underlying needs for power and connection is one of the keys to effective discipline.  People who feel empowered and connected are much more likely to behave in appropriate ways.  But there are many other ways that play can be used in discipline.

Transitions are much smoother if we have a fun way to do them.  Whenever we cross the parking lot, we all pick a different animal to imitate: stomping like elephants, wiggling our tails like little fish, hopping like bunnies (I excel at waddling like a penguin).  We prefer non competitive games for the most part, but every now and then a race to see who can get buckled up first or make it to their seats is helpful.  Classics like the Quiet Game or seeing who can win a silent stare down without laughing can be a great way to calm down after boisterous play.

Role playing is one of the most effective ways to learn any new skill.  Want to practice acceptable behavior for restaurants?  Play restaurant games!  Have tea parties!  Play library and practice using quiet voices.  Get silly and use exaggerated, over the top examples. Do you have a runner?  Play games like Red Light, Green Light or others that practice starting and stopping on cue.  Talk about bullying and then role play different responses.  For some games, you might want to provide a script.  Or depending on your kids' mood or the situation, you may all improvise. Just make sure that you don't lose the fun in the teaching.  If the educational aspect needs to take a back seat, so be it.  They will still learn from the little bits that you do work in.

Going through a potty talk phase?  Make a game of giving them nonsense words to use instead.  When my three year old was randomly inserting "caca" into every sentence, we zeroed in on what he really wanted: the fun of our reaction.  So we ignored that, but told him to never, ever say "snooglewoogles".  Of course, he immediately did, and we played up our shock and horror, throwing up our hands and looking around to see if anyone had heard.  Pretty soon, he decided that it was much more fun to say snooglewoogles. 

Use play to provide a spoonful of sugar for unpleasant or boring tasks.  My sweetlings can be very, er, inventive if left to distract themselves in a waiting room or other boring place.  Ahem.  Participating in their play or finding gentle ways to help direct it is necessary right now.  Go retro with I Spy, pen and paper games or even making up stories together.  If you need to all pick up the house, try tossing objects into a basket, setting a timer, picking up a specific color or type of object--anything to make it more fun.  (I need extra motivation on this kind of thing, too!)

This is just the tip of the iceberg on ways that you can use play as a tool.  The September 2011 Carnival of Natural Parenting is full of fabulous posts on this topic.  Read to the end to find all the links.  :)  For more inspiration and ideas, get Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen.  Discipline is not supposed to be miserable--it should be delightful.  Playing with your kids is one of the most powerful tools you will ever find.

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Image credit goaliej54 on Flickr

Moving away from punitive parenting requires a brand new set of tools.  Let's open it up together! For the rest of the series, click here.  And if gentle discipline is revealing areas where you need to work on yourself, see if any of these personal tools resonate with you.

Looking for more practical tips?  Check out my favorite post from the Hippie Housewife on The Hows of Discipline (and read through all the comments!),  Pearl in Oyster's 52 Tool Cards series and Aha! Parenting's blog.  Do you need inspiration and a reminder of why and how to do this?  Read Emerging Mummy's Practices of Mothering and Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond.  If you have other great resources or ideas, please add them in the comments.

Growing Smarter Children--Guest Post from Shelley Joy

Image credit familymwr on Flickr

I have learned many things throughout the years working with children and families. I have never met a parent who did not want his child to be smart and to do well in school. This unanimous goal holds true regardless of the socio-economical, cultural, educational, professional, or geographical differences within families. Each of us wants to raise bright children who do well. And who wouldn't want their child to do be successful, smart, and self-reliant?

An almost universal conviction is our children are a reflection of ourselves. We must keep our children clean. A dirty and unkempt child is a sign that, somehow, we have failed as parents. This is not necessarily so!

When I worked as an early childhood educator and administrator, parents would often complain of how dirty their child was at the end of the day. They were splattered with paint and glue and often times their feet were encrusted with mud between their toes. Even the most stalwart parent would cringe at the sight of their messy child!

There is a secret formula to "make kids smart." Let them get dirty! To the parents who expressed their desire for smart children, I would say, "I can make your child smart, but you have to let me let them get dirty! I can make them just a little smart and let them get a little dirty, or I can make them really smart and let them get a lot dirty. It is your child and definitely your choice."

Children learn best through play. It is their work! And play is often dirty, messy work. Play enables children to progress naturally through the developmental stages necessary to acquire reading and writing skills in school, as well as the important socio-emotional skills required to become successful and self-reliant students. Child initiated play, supported and facilitated by loving adults, is the single most important factor in early childhood learning.

Image credit nowviskie on Flickr

Children learn by doing
Children need years of play with real objects and events before they are able to understand the meaning of symbols such as letters and numbers. Learning takes place as young children touch, manipulate, and experiment with things and interact with people. Throughout early childhood, concepts and language gradually develop to enable children to understand more abstract or symbolic information. Children learn by manipulating their environment and materials, and the messier the better!

Activities should be open-ended, meaning there is no right or wrong way to use materials. Children are their own best teachers through the process of "doing," with the focus on process rather than product. Any activity that stimulates one dimension of development and learning affects other dimensions as well.

Mud, sand, and water along with cornstarch and water, are excellent open-ended materials. Combine these materials with regular household items such as spatulas, whisks, plastic measuring cups and bowls, and nature's finest learning materials turn into imaginative creations of expression and creativity.

Crayons, markers, paper, and glue are other open-ended materials that, combined with buttons, glitter, colored salt, and old magazines, make astonishing collages that are process-oriented.

Make a bowl of pudding and finger paint. The texture of pudding makes smooth and practical finger paint for young children. Add food coloring or a scented flavoring extract, like vanilla, almond, or citrus for a heightened sensory experience.

Preschool-age children enjoy the smooth, soft, and fluffy feeling of shaving cream as finger paint. Allow your preschool child to paint directly on the kitchen table if you desire. Shaving cream is easy to clean and leaves the room smelling fresh.

Using real household items, rather than child size plastic replicas, gives value and integrity to children's projects. Children enjoy, and also learn, by doing "real" work. Mortar and pestles for grinding, scrapers for scraping, wooden spoons for stirring, and wire whisks for whisking, make excellent "toys" for children.

Image credit david.james55 on Flickr

Fresh herbs, cinnamon sticks, cornmeal, and dried flowers are wonderful for grinding, scraping, and stirring. Children learn by using their senses: Imagine the smell of freshly ground herbs, cinnamon, and flowers! Simply add water, and you have a new "recipe" for success.

Garage sale pots and pans are excellent for "cooking" and recipes for learning. Just as easily, pots and pans also magically turn into the basics of a rhythm band.

Dollar store gardening tools that are not sharp, such as hand trowels and scoops, make excellent and long lasting sand toys and are great for digging worms.

Save old food boxes, cartons, and packages for children to use as props for their "house." When they begin to become worn and torn, as they will, throw them away and provide new ones.

Take a walk with your child in the rain, jump in a mud puddle, take off your shoes, and feel the mud between your toes!

Ordinary dish soap in a wash pan with water makes an excellent base for bubbles. Bubbles are joy-filled and magical. Use wire whisks, straws, strainers, and even your own hands to create different sized bubbles and a delightful "science" project. Dish soap in a small wading pool with water and a hula-hoop will add magic to any hot summer day and you'll have the entire neighborhood begging for more.

Real and authentic experiences are remembered. They are integrated into the very heart of the child simply because they are real. Authentic experiences are child-powered, not battery powered. They are experiences that integrate concrete, real-life experiences that are the key to motivated, meaningful learning in kindergarten and the primary grades. You say you want smart children? Let them play and get dirty!

Shelley is the author of Little Bird You are Perfect and numerous articles on parenting and enjoying life.  You can also find her on Facebook, where she is offers up encouragement and inspiration.  <3  I am so grateful for her voice of peace, love and joy in my life! <3

Our Pillow Pile

It has finally gotten really cold here, and that is taking a toll on our park time.  Our kidlets are as rambunctious energetic as always, and their first attempts at getting out all that energy involved chasing each other around and jumping on the couch.  The chasing raised safety concerns, and the couch was creaking ominously with each jump, so that didn't seem to be a good solution (although I loved Greenjem's recent post that mentioned jumping on the couch!).

After a moment of thought, we decided on a pillow pile. We got every cushion, pillow, and comforter, and even an old mattress, and piled it high for them to jump on. The finished product was over 2 feet high and as big as a king-size mattress. They were ecstatic! They jumped and laughed to their heart's content. Several times they bounced and soared and convinced themselves that they could really, truly fly! :)

It required minor maintenance to make sure that it didn't get too spread out or too squooshed in the middle, but they were very cooperative about taking turns and following any safety limits (no flipping).Once they were worn out from all the jumping, it was easily transformed into the ideal snuggle-nest while we watched the Nutcracker.

We all need a soft, safe place to land and to snuggle after stretching our wings, don't we?

I'm a Pushover Parent

Image by storem on Flickr

Our precious two year old has fully lived up to the words we were given before her birth that she would be a warrior.  I love her intensity and her way of fully expressing herself.  She launches herself wholeheartedly into every endeavor.  Teaching her appropriate ways to work through really big emotions is something we have been working on.  I was delighted today to see her actually catch herself mid-meltdown and come up with a positive way to express herself.

She was so upset.  Tears were streaming and she was shaking with anger and disappointment.  I gently tried to hug her, letting her know that I was with her and would support her.  She instantly turned and grabbed my hands and said, "Pushing game, Mami!"

I sat facing her and we interlocked hands.  Then she tried with all her might to scoot me backwards by pushing on my hands.  I would remain upright while she pushed as hard as she could against my hands. Eventually, I would fall back with her on top of me and we would both laugh.  She immediately asked me to do it again.  We repeated the game several times. 

I've loved this game for years.  Even when pregnant, it isn't hard on me physically.  It takes little space.  It doesn't take too much energy.  But it is perfect for overwhelmed little ones!  It gives all of the benefits of a full-blown tantrum (working out large muscle groups, releasing emotion, etc) but is done in a way that connected us with loving touch (instead of perhaps hitting a pillow).  Each time she did it she was more relaxed.  By the end she was all smiles.

I see advice so often that tells parents to ignore meltdowns, to shun or isolate a child who is overwhelmed by his own emotions, lest he somehow learn that it will be rewarded.  Is it any wonder that so many adults shut down when they have intense negative feelings?  We've been taught to explode when they are too much and then to stuff everything down and "be sweet" and act as if nothing happened.

I am so excited to see children who are learning healthy ways to express themselves, who know that even in those intense moments they can connect with someone close to them, and that they can fully process their feelings without shame or isolation until they are easily manageable. If you are interested in other tools for tantrums, or in our perspective on them, check out  this post. :)

All Play and No Work...

If you see my Facebook updates, you probably think we are *that* homeschooling family. You know, the stereotypical one where the kids do nothing but play all day. Today, we spent over five hours at three different parks! Most days when I am not working involve the park, the zoo, the aquarium, or two out of the three. Backyard picnics are common, and we are familiar with well over a dozen different parks in our area. That is a very deliberate decision on my part.

As we began looking into homeschooling, I was most familiar with the traditional school-at-home model. Lots of seat work, plenty of worksheets, etc. When I first began to hear of unschooling, I was extremely skeptical. Like most of us, I had been inoculated early with the drudgery-is-discipline mindset that we must all get used to doing things we don't enjoy, so let's start young.

My life hasn't really borne that out, though. I like my job. I enjoy what I do at work and at home with my family. OK, I loathe housework, but even then, I can see some satisfaction from the results (or at least I would if things would actually stay clean for more than a split second...alright, so housework is not the best example. Still, it is something that I choose to do--on those rare occasions when I do it.) Anyway, my point is that I don't do tedious things that make me miserable just for the sake of doing them.

Reading some of the Charlotte Mason beliefs regarding the importance of outdoor play for children really resonated with me. My own memories of hour after hour spent exploring, climbing trees (there were many days where I spent as much time up in a tree as I did on the ground), playing with my sister and friends, learning new skills and testing my abilities reinforced the value of this time.

So, the last several months, whenever possible, we have spent as much time out of doors as possible.  What have we gained?  Plenty of exercise and vitamin D and other health benefits.  Lots of new skills, including monkey bar prowess, backwards somersaults, increased balance and agility and a greater understanding of gravity, momentum and other forces.  Stretched and vibrant imaginations.  Increased cooperativeness and improved social and interpersonal skills.  Confidence.  Better sleep at night and greater peace after afternoons spent getting the wiggles out.  Hundreds of joy-filled memories.  And somehow, with all this, academics haven't suffered.  There are many, many reasons why we homeschool.  The freedom to do all of this is a substantial part of it.

Out and About

We've experienced the perfect storm lately--three high-energy kidlets (ages 6, 4, and almost 2), nice weather, and the knowledge that soon a new baby will change our abilities to spend much of our day in whatever excursion takes our fancy. So, for the last few months, we've been going places almost daily. It has been so much fun! We love the chance to get out.

Like most of our friends, we have not been overly burdened with an excess of material wealth, so I'll let you in on some of our favorite activities.

* Rain dancing. There is nothing more fun than grabbing swimsuits and having the whole family go outside and dance in the backyard during a nice, warm rain. As long as there is no thunder or lightning, go for it! It is even better if you snuggle in soft towels and enjoy hot chocolate together when you come in.

* Sprinklers! If you can't get it for free from Nature, pick a good time to water the garden and turn on the sprinklers. A few old towels on the floor by the door make for quick clean up when you come in.

* Memberships to local attractions. We've been surprised at how often a year-long family pass for places like the zoo, children's museum or aquarium is comparable (or even less!) than the daily admission! Some offer discounts for local residents, or coupons or special deals online. They can be well worth the price!

* Parks, of course. We've found that mixing it up by going to different ones makes it fresh and keeps it exciting. Look up new ones in nearby communities--some might be closer than you expect.

* Picnics. Even if it is just in our backyard, everything tastes better outside!

I've also been asked a few times how we are able to enjoy it so much with three kids that age. Here are a few things that have helped it work for us:

* Timing is everything! You know your family's rhythms better than anyone else--pay attention to them. What time of day is the best for your family? Today, I took the kidlets for our weekly grocery shopping trip and received multiple comments on how happy and well-behaved they all were. We had gone right after breakfast, when everyone was rested and fed. If I had attempted the shopping in late afternoon, chances are that I would have heard a far different kind of comment!

Go with the flow. If you are doing pretty much anything with several little ones, it is easier for everyone if you remain flexible regarding time. Their legs aren't as long, and neither are their attention spans--unless, of course, they find something of particular interest, in which case your attention span may run out long before theirs. That is OK. If you have the choice of spending the same amount of time relaxed and happy or frustrated and angry (and trying to rush usually still takes the same amount of time), then you may as well have fun together, right?

* Think about your goals. Are you trying to win some sort of badge by thoroughly examining every exhibit or attraction, or are you there to have fun? My kids can spend hours at the zoo and not see all the animals. Yet, what would I gain by trying to "get our money's worth" by marching everyone through without regard for their interests or enjoyment?

* Pack well. It can be hard to balance bringing what you need and weighing yourself down with non-essentials. Our must-have list: food and drink (I get reaaaaally cranky if I need a snack, and so do the kidlets), a wrap for the smallest one, sunscreen, meds (Benedryl/Epi-pens/band-aids), and a change of clothes in the car.

Besides being over-priced and under-healthful, we deal with multiple food allergies and find it easier to bring our own snacks. Fruit like clementines, our own breakfast bars, cheese sticks or other easily portable snacks and our own water bottles keep everyone's energy levels where they should be.

I've found strollers to be more cumbersome than helpful in most places (YMMV), but a wrap is essential for when a little one gets tired or before they are able to walk everywhere. I've even carried my 3.5 year old around in one during some all-day excursions in Puerto Rico! They also make breastfeeding easy and discreet.

I also try to keep a change of clothes in the car for everyone (and a few old towels) so that if we decide on a spontaneous trip to the splash pad or pool, we are prepared. Besides, who hasn't had a time when you needed a quick change for a child?

Enjoy the moment. Attitude is everything, and most of the time, my children's behavior is a reflection of my own emotional undercurrents. It is amazing how much my mood sets the tone for our day. If things start to unravel a bit, often all it takes is resetting my own emotional thermostat. And, if it is time to come home, by all means do so! Being mindful of our own reserves and those of our children can help us to get the most out of our times our and about.

It's OK to just be OK

I've missed you all! Our computer is still dead, but I can get some library time every now and then to get online, so I'm going to try to take advantage of it to get caught up on your posts and add some of my own when I can.

I admit, I used to sneer at the state slogan "Oklahoma is OK." Way to embrace mediocrity, right? Perhaps I wasn't the only derisive one out there--it was changed to "Native America." But, like many of us, I pursued perfectionism. I still slip into it some, but I am learning to let go of the pressure. I want my children to know that it really is OK to just be OK at things, and not be perfect. (Be honest now--do you know anyone who has achieved perfection? I don't, certainly not me.)

Lately I have run into several parents who have heightened my awareness of this whole issue. Ariana started taking tumbling classes as her birthday present. She loves it! It is the first time she has enjoyed a class on her own so much. At the second class, she was practicing cartwheels, handstands, forward and backward somersaults and flips, the splits, backbends and many other things that I could never do in this world. Of course, the cartwheel wobbled and didn't land anywhere close to vertical. The flips and much of the rest consisted of the teacher positioning her and walking her body through each part. Nothing screamed future Olympian, yet Ariana beamed with pleasure as she tried each one.

Another little girl was clearly far ahead of the rest of the class. She was really good! Yet, as I listened to the girl's mother, I began to feel sorry for her. The girl was about 5 years old, and as she executed a very good--but not exactly perfect--cartwheel, the mother sighed in exasperation and said that she had been videotaping her daughter and showing her that her knees weren't always perfectly straight, but her daughter still made mistakes sometimes. She went on to say that she was so relieved that they had an opening in the Saturday class, because after a full day of kindergarten her daughter had not been doing well with two classes in the evenings, but she had dance or other classes every night and Saturday was the only time they could fit this in.

I was kind of glad that the mom wasn't looking at me, because I am sure my face reflected my judgmental horror. I wanted to ask, "Does she ever have any free time? Does she ever get to do anything just because she wants to? She is FIVE YEARS OLD!" I could imagine the poor little girl coming home after a day full of school and extracurricular classes that rivaled any adult's day at work, hopefully eating and then trying to do homework (and don't even get me started at some of the stories I've heard recently about the homework load for K5!), practice dance and tumbling (with videotapes to point out every flaw!), and what else? Falling asleep in the tub before catching a few hours of sleep?!

OK, I realize that I've been very hard on the mom, who, it is to be hoped, merely wants to provide her daughter with access to several enjoyable and beneficial activities. I've also used more exclamations than strictly necessary. Yet I truly was aghast at the way this girl's day was crammed so full of activity, and wondered when or if relationships or relaxation had any place at all.

The next few days I had several similar encounters, and while the mom I described may be a bit over the top, she isn't alone. For several years I taught superkids like the little girl at one of the top private schools in the area. They were worried about their college schedules in fifth grade, already planning to sacrifice electives that they enjoyed for the ones that they needed to get ahead. I had a first grader who burst into tears when he forgot an accent mark. These kids had learned well that they needed to excel--in everything, all the time. They were very bright and amazingly successful, for the most part. Yet I believe the price was way too high.

Ariana is smart. She loves academics, just like Carlos and I. Homeschooling has caused me to seriously evaluate our goals for her. In the beginning, I was sure that unschooling wouldn't fit well for us. However, I decided to let this year be sort of an experiment, knowing that we could always change things that weren't working. While not perhaps strictly unschooling, we've been following Ariana's lead. I spent a lot of time inwardly gritting my teeth or biting my lips when she chose to play with Joel and Elena, or spend time cooking or do other things that seemed important to her. Even though I know that she is constantly learning, things like worksheets and standardized written work are just comfortable to me, you know? Yet, as I looked over the objectives for this state year by year, I realized that not only is she not falling behind, she is actually at least one year above grade level in all subjects, and further ahead than that in reading. If I were pushing, she would probably be further ahead, but to what purpose?

As I see her personality and confidence blossom, her sparkling enthusiasm in everything that she studies (she is obsessed with venomous animals at the moment, especially pit vipers) and the delight she has in spending time with all of us, I can't believe that we are missing out on anything important.

Sure, structure is good and all that. And sure, we should try to do well at the things we do. I also recognize that many kids are driven and motivated to succeed on their own, without parental pushing and prodding. But, what if, instead of focusing on achieving success in activities or even academics, we focused on successful relationships? What if we put the effort into enjoyment? Would we even know how? (Children are good teachers of this, if we let them teach us).

I think I've shared before my favorite quote by Jamie Buckingham, "Nothing is as important as wasting time with God." It really is OK if we are just OK at the activities in each day. We don't have to excel at everything we do. Sometimes, the best (or only) way to stay sane is to give ourselves permission to waste some time and enjoy those we love.

Wrestling with angels (revamped)

I love words. I am not athletic, at all. That tends to come through in my interactions with my children. Today, though, one of my angels was finding words inadequate. He required wrestling instead. There were a lot of little things that had stressed our relationship and his self control lately, and I've found that when he needs to connect, it needs to be physical. So, we spent all morning playing together.

In Michael Gurian's books about boys, he explains a lot about the neurodevelopment of boys and the biological differences in the way that their brains work. Among other things, they are wired for action. I see that in my girls, too, so I don't know how much of it is a gender thing, but I think that most of us are aware that all children need active play and plenty of large muscle action. Sometimes it is harder to put that into the context of our relationship and connection with them, but I believe it is vital.

All children need rough-housing and physical play with us. Just watching them at the park isn't enough. Part of our expression of love for them and theirs for us is best expressed physically. It's a lot easier to just let go and not be bothered, to send them to their room or a time out or whatever. But like Jacob in the Bible, the key to this wrestling match is in holding fast to them and not letting go.

So today we played our favorite pushing game where he grabs my hands and tries to push me backward. We wrestled. We played catch with rolled up socks. We snuggled and cuddled. We roared like lions and stomped like elephants to show our feelings. We laughed and tickled. (Quick aside--he loves tickling. Ariana hates it. Our children's bodies belong to them, and we make it clear that tickling is by invitation only. If anyone wants to stop, that must be respected immediately. Check out this article.)

Frankly, I'm exhausted. I'm totally convinced that it was worth it, though. I see our connection getting back to where it was before. I have a pretty good idea that tomorrow will involve more of the same (let's hope for a good night of sleep tonight!), but if I'm going to work out, I think the rewards from this will be far greater than merely burning calories.

Why so serious?

I love academics. Really. My husband and I are both teachers, I feel comfortable and happy in an academic environment, and always have. Yet, today while I was doing schoolwork with Ariana it hit me how differently we approach it, and it was humbling.

As soon as I suggested that she get started, she came bounding over, full of enthusiasm. I asked what she wanted to work on, and she wanted to practice writing with her phonics book. We went through several pages, and she kept asking for more. Her writing has improved tremendously, and she was making all the letters the correct size without being reminded and beginning at the top. She is decoding effortlessly most of the time, and knows which sounds are associated with the different letters.

I should have been as delighted as she was. Instead, I found myself increasingly frustrated as she happily doodled and added extra letters to the page. Rather than merely circling the letters that corresponded with the drawings, she began X-ing out the ones that didn't match the letter and drawing the correct letter underneath.

After working on the letter H, she started acting silly, giggling and scribbling and circling all over the page. I opened my mouth to reprimand her for messing up the page as she beamed and said, "Mom, this is hilarious! Get it? Hilarious goes with H!"

I stopped myself and looked and listened. I was getting upset because the page wasn't as nice and neat as I wanted it to be. What did I really want? A pristine page? For...what purpose? I wanted her to be serious. Why? Because learning isn't supposed to be fun, let alone hilarious? Ay, ay ay.

She was being far wiser than I in the moment. She was showing initiative, going beyond what was required, and incorporating even more skills than the exercise called for. Why was my instinct to shut it down as if that were a bad thing?

As I mentioned in a previous post, I love to fill quotas and put things into nice, neat little boxes and rows. I like the safety of following the letter of the law. But my five year old was following the spirit and delighting in it. We have barely begun the school year, and already I am learning new lessons. That is a good thing. I hope to capture the same joy that my daughter has in that.

Right after working on that, a friend linked me to this article, which, while on a slightly different topic, is still relevant, and very powerful. Check it out! http://happydays.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/09/02/let-the-children-play-some-more/

Shhh....snoogle-woogles!

Puerto Rico has been better than I could have imagined in many ways. It has also been challenging for the kids. Everything is unfamiliar, they are short on sleep, long on exercise (walking miles every day), having to spend long amounts of time waiting in restaurants and other places, and getting lots of their allergens. It's enough to wear on any kid's behavior, and certainly on our kidlets.

C'mon...you know you wanna laugh, too!

Joelito had already started through the potty-talk phase, and this trip brought it to the forefront at embarrassing times, such as in the middle of a restaurant. Worse, I was in the no-man's-land of trying to decide exactly what my embarrassment-acceptability quotient was. You've probably been there. It's that deadly place where you are certain that everyone around you is judging you and your children for their behavior, and you feel a need to come down harder than you normally would for your own pride's sake.

The truth is, having my three-year-old randomly interject the word "caca" into conversation doesn't normally bother me too much. Sometimes I even find it funny. But when we are in the fishbowl of group travel, my standards started to shift. I didn't want to get grouchy over something that I normally would ignore, particularly when I was already aware of the stress my children were under.

Then I remembered the tactic from Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen that suggests giving them a nonsense word to get a reaction. So, I whispered to Joel that whatever he said, not to say "snoogle-woogles", or even worse, "snoggle-woggles". He could tell by the way I acted that it was a game, not a serious don't-do-this, and he played along beautifully. Each time he blurted it out, I would feign shock and horror, and make a production of looking around to see if anyone heard. He giggled hysterically. He has pretty much forgotten any other references, and delights in waiting till things are very quiet to stage-whisper, "snoogle-woogles". If anyone notices, they smile at his obvious delight rather than raising their eyebrows at his unacceptable language. It's pretty cute. And while I was always taught that even euphemisms are not good to say, I think the next time I get really, really mad, I might just let drop a "snoogle-woogles" myself. Maybe even a "snoggle-woggles".