Hope Deferred

I remember the sparkle in her eyes the day we told my sister in law we were pregnant.  She confided that they, too, were hoping to get pregnant soon.  We daydreamed of little cousins playing together.  But she didn't get pregnant then.  A couple of years later, when we were pregnant with ourson, her sparkle hadn't dimmed, but I knew there was an ache there, too.  When we became pregnant with our third child, I almost didn't want to tell her.  I told my husband with tears that I felt guilty somehow for all the happiness we were going through and how easy things had been.  They were always so incredibly generous with their joy for us.  They didn't share much of the pain they were going through, but I winced for them at idiotic and insensitive comments, at all the little daily reminders of hope deferred. 

As a child, I watched my mother go through miscarriage after miscarriage.  At the time, I couldn't come close to grasping the physical and emotional toll it was taking.  Still, I knew that these lost little ones, so tiny, fragile and barely formed, were real, and that though she had never held them in her arms, she had held them in her heart.

I have had friends go through secondary infertility.  Although they are grateful beyond measure for the child or children they have, the desperate desire for another is coupled with pain from the callous disregard of others.  "After all, you have a child already.  You should just be thankful."  Muzzled by lack of understanding or compassion from those around them, they may not ever express the pain and disappointment of broken dreams.

Infertility is cruel.  The emotional exhaustion and pain of having your hopes rise persistently only to get washed away with blood and tears a few weeks later is unspeakable.  You may try so hard *not* to hope, not to set yourself up for the crash, and yet, however well you prepare yourself mentally, there is still that bitter aftertaste of swallowed grief.

And my own blood has boiled while listening to unthinking comments and platitudes that negate any right to mourn.  Doubtless, most people mean well, but please, for the love of decency, don't say this stuff to anyone, ever.

The story of my wonderful SIL has a happy ending.  My precious nephew is here, running around and playing with his cousins like we had dreamed.  But I know that for many, those dreams don't come true.  I don't know why, and it seems very unfair.

I hesitated to write this post.  I feel in a way that I have no right, because I haven't experienced the pain that you have gone through.  But I think that is why I *must* say something.  Because silent grief is the hardest of all, and you are not forgotten, "less than" or unimportant.

To all my dear friends who have longed for babies that you haven't been able to hold except in your heart, I ache for you.  I am sorry.  It is not your fault, there are no "shoulds" that I can give you.  But I can give you my ears, my tears, my prayers and my shoulders.  Whether we have ever met or not, your stories matter to me, and if you would like to honor us by sharing them in the comments, they will be welcome. 

Journey to Motherhood--Guest Post

I am so excited to share with you a guest post from my lovely sister in law, Raquelita.  I am incredibly blessed to have her in my life.  She is one of my dearest friends as well as being my SIL, and I have been privileged to see her walk out grace and wisdom for many years.  She is someone who inspires me and encourages me, and she is also the mother of the cutest little nephew in the world.  <3

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Hands down, there have been times where I have felt that becoming a mother has been the hardest job I ever had. And that is when I pray to God to remind me that if it weren’t for my son Gabriel not only would my womb be empty, but my heart, too. Nothing is harder than waiting for the miracle of life! This was my journey before Gabriel (my 17 month old) came into our lives. I think so often we forget that being able to conceive and carry a baby full term is truly a miracle, especially for those women who get pregnant as soon as their husbands look at them, as my mother would say.

During this journey, birthdays and Mother’s days were so hard because the gift I wanted the most I didn’t have! I confess I might have been a grouch once or twice! Luckily, I was blessed with a supportive husband, family, and nieces and a nephew to refresh my heart, at least momentarily. My husband and I were one of those couples who were older with no kids. We focused on different dreams and with the busyness of life time simply passed. Though we had tried to get pregnant off and on again unsuccessfully, I think that at first hope and desire carried us through. But, as the years went by, denial and hopelessness took root. Proverbs 13:12 says it best, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” (NIV, 1984)

Before I knew it, 9 years passed and I really felt that we needed to pray for a miracle (not that we hadn’t before). It was so hard to do, but we remained consistent! I had already been to the doctor and had a procedure done to make sure I could conceive and all the tests came back positive. My husband also got checked and on April 27th, 2009 we received one of those phone calls that make your heart sink. We were told that in order to conceive we would need to go to a fertility specialist because my husband’s sperm motility was too low! Crash!!! My husband was so depressed by this news that he told me he felt as if he had ruined my life! I reminded him that many wonderful couples are not able to conceive and it is no one’s fault. When you marry someone, you don’t ever expect something like this to happen.

Even though this was the worst news, for some reason I felt a peace and dare I say, even happy. Was I crazy?! I told my husband that we should just keep trying and that if by the end of the year nothing happened, we would look into adoption because we could not afford to go to a fertility specialist. My poor husband struggled to find peace and to not feel defective or cursed. Two weeks later on May 8th 2009, I took a home pregnancy test because my period was a week late and that is when I discovered that after being told we could not get pregnant on our own, I was pregnant! Yes! I called my husband at work and shared the news. He said I sounded as if I was in shock and scared (I sure was!). My husband had to shut the door in his office so that he could cry! What a happy day after years of waiting and feeling like I was living in a desert and, for my husband, feeling like he was in a dark pit.

Even after this, we have had many interesting and disappointing events occur during pregnancy and after, but I am so thankful that my baby, who came 3 weeks early due to pre-eclampsia, was and is healthy. He was our Christmas angel– born a week before Christmas. I just pray that on those days when being a mom is hard and I am exhausted, I would never forget that without Gabriel my heart would be empty! The hardest part will always be life before motherhood. My longing has been fulfilled (smile)!

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Raquelita is a SAHM now.  She worked for the public school system for nearly nine years and loved it.  She worked in an ESL classroom for 6 of those years.  She loves meeting people from different countries.  She was born and raised in California, but is almost an Okie now.