tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-70848761098116985172024-02-21T02:35:37.877-08:00Dulce de lecheUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger566125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-32814545516457612222015-05-25T12:08:00.001-07:002015-05-25T12:49:50.647-07:00Beyond Birth Control: Quiverfull vs. Catholicism<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
In the wake of the tragic Duggar molestation news, I have seen several articles that essentially reduce the Quiverfull movement to being anti-birth control. Yes, they are, and yes, they use that as a weapon against women. However, I can imagine many well-meaning Catholics and others who do not use artificial birth control scratching their heads or even wanting to defend Quiverfull. I can also imagine those who do use birth control wanting to lump Quiverfull and Catholic beliefs together. Growing up Quiverfull sent me screaming away from the oppression and misogyny inherent in its system. Before converting to Catholicism, I wanted to make sure I wasn't just trading names. Here are some of the differences I see:<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-aHwQqnt9WodtWqsfa7l_MLLUiS051e-OSueeHINVVRtuoMKy-yq-SrlmrEKLGTgzHrwxj93PPNVCtGjgsGdYdwX18h0KG3oI4JmkR88sJRmZKAK3ftZddOQOkWWgoa2cXg_CI2P59VU6/s1600/4485087544_3899f9494e_z.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-aHwQqnt9WodtWqsfa7l_MLLUiS051e-OSueeHINVVRtuoMKy-yq-SrlmrEKLGTgzHrwxj93PPNVCtGjgsGdYdwX18h0KG3oI4JmkR88sJRmZKAK3ftZddOQOkWWgoa2cXg_CI2P59VU6/s320/4485087544_3899f9494e_z.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/jennyleesilver/4485087544/in/photolist-7QkfgA-4p5b7B-pkRA9t-dvjU6B-dp5X6i-Y2aMf-58MNRk-5qK4Wz-8YaubV-55F1Y-DJmrz-rSHqhq-srWKef-2ar1hX-4Ma3Ry-fjTPnN-fjTPSw-7YnFJX-fjDCUz-fjDDix-fjTNaS-fjDDnZ-fjTMBS-fjTMyf-fjTMpN-fjDCKe-fjTM1J-fjDDFe-fjDDux-HAHBB-bvz12v-5eNxQ6-fjTNgy-fjDDYc-fjDEAa-fjTRm5-fjTQYG-fjDE5c-fjTPBu-fjDEMD-fjDFm2-fjTP6w-fjDDrn-a447rG-7NvkDA-nReJNL-5ZQpBo-49H3wq-bqBWXm-aRoc3">Image credit</a></td></tr>
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<b>Family Planning:</b><br />
Since birth control is the obvious parallel, let's go ahead and tackle that one. In the Quiverfull movement, the goal is always more children. Anything that could possibly prevent that, either natural or artificial, is condemned. This leaves no place for infertility (a sign of God's judgment against probable sin in the family), the mother's health (God won't allow more than you can handle, and if you die, then you are a martyr), or common sense (having more children will mean that you cannot provide for your family). Children are your army, and the goal is to always have more soldiers than your enemies.<br />
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In Catholicism, while openness to life is important, the goal is not to create as many children as possible. Infertility is not a punishment, and the health of the mother and common sense matter. The difference here is<b> a mutual call to unselfishness</b>. All Catholics find that their sexuality offers opportunities to live generously and to sacrifice. Couples can practice NFP (Natural Family Planning) and abstain during fertile times. Infertility is not punishment, but another way to offer up our own desires. Health issues with the mother bring their own forms of sacrifice. Choosing to have children also brings opportunities for self-control. Many Catholic families will follow the Church and not have many children, because children in and of themselves are not the goal. Rather, our goal is to draw closer to God in whatever way is best for our individual families. <br />
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<b>Gender Roles:</b><br />
Quiverfull followers abide by incredibly strict gender roles. Men are the absolute authority (theoretically under God, but since God calls you to follow your man or suffer the consequences, it amounts to the same thing). The hierarchy is extreme, far more than outsiders can imagine. If you are a woman, everything you do, from the choice of hairstyle to entertainment to employment must revolve around the preferences of the husband/father. He may be a benevolent dictator, but even if he isn't, you must obey and look happy while you do, since allowing anyone to see possible unhappiness means that you are ungrateful to God, deliberately shaming your head, and practicing witchcraft (rebellion) in your heart. Sure, men are encouraged to listen to their wives, much the same way that most parenting articles would advocate listening to your toddler: let them choose the red shirt instead of the blue shirt if it doesn't really matter, but the man is the one in charge, and ultimately, it comes down to what he wants. Since any church authority ranks below the family authority, the role of women there is moot, but it generally means that women can cook and clean for the church and perhaps teach Sunday School (for girls, and possibly little boys).<br />
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<b>The Catechism of the Catholic Church does NOT establish a hierarchy between husbands and wives, but instead emphasizes mutuality.</b> Husbands and wives are called to serve each other. In terms of the Church, I can see how it looks as though men are above women. I honestly don't have a simple answer for that one. However, women are encouraged to teach, to preach, and to exercise all of their spiritual gifts, including in positions of leadership. The main distinction I see is that a priest can give life through the Eucharist, and women give life through birth. Additionally, all men look to the Blessed Virgin Mary as the example of a Christian life. Strong, outspoken and independent women are venerated in the Church, and I do not see the subjugation or idea that men are superior that is prominent in Quiverfull churches. <br />
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<b>Education:</b><br />
Education is suspect in Quiverfull circles, because it opens one up to satanic and worldly influences. Some men may be strong enough to resist, but even then, it is better to do an apprenticeship of some sort instead of going to college. Women, on the other hand, are easily deceived and should stay at home and learn how to serve future husbands by practicing on their fathers and brothers. For younger children, homeschooling is the only option.<br />
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Catholic families strongly value formal education. Families choose what works best for them--public, Catholic or homeschooling. College education is a priority, both for boys AND girls (just look at the history of women scientists, mathematicians, physicists, doctors and more in the Church!). <br />
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<b>Parenting:</b><br />
Quiverfull parenting looks to authors like the Pearls, who insist on first-time obedience even for the youngest of children, and use corporal punishment on babies as young as few months old to "train" them. Spanking, often with a plumbing pipe, belt or switch, is the main or only form of correction. They believe that the Bible commands spanking, and that lack of spankings equal lack of love for their child. Appearing happy at all times is very important here, too. Children must always obey with a smile and show a light in their eyes, and looking unhappy or having a wrong attitude is grounds for yet another spanking. <br />
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Catholic parents have a great deal of leeway in how they choose to parent, but many choose to parent gently, and several saints in the Church like Don Bosco and others have spoken very strongly against corporal punishment. Popular Catholic authors like Gregory and Lisa Popcak advocate for gentle parenting,and most Catholic schools now forbid any type of corporal punishment or humiliation of the child<br />
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<b>Sexual Abuse:</b><br />
There has been systemic enabling of sexual abuse in both Quiverfull adherents and the Church. Both have failed terribly, and that has resulted in horrible harm to countless children. I will not make excuses or minimize the faults of the Church in this. The difference that I see now is that Quiverfull is still caught in secrecy and victim shaming, the phony spiritualization of their own version of forgive and forget, and perpetuation of all that led to the problems in the first place. Their "counseling" is crap from Gothard who was also a sexual predator. <br />
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In contrast, every parish, every school, every teacher that I know of is now receiving training--real training--to help identify abuse and pursue prosecution for abusers, and real counseling and help for children and adults who have been abused. It is open, talked about, and meaningful and active work is being done to change.<br />
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These things are only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the differences between the Quiverfull mindset and Catholicism, but they are important ones. Yes, we both avoid artificial birth control, but when you look at the larger picture, the distinctions between Quiverfull and Catholicism are very great indeed.<br />
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<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/jennyleesilver/4485087544/in/photolist-7QkfgA-4p5b7B-pkRA9t-dvjU6B-dp5X6i-Y2aMf-58MNRk-5qK4Wz-8YaubV-55F1Y-DJmrz-rSHqhq-srWKef-2ar1hX-4Ma3Ry-fjTPnN-fjTPSw-7YnFJX-fjDCUz-fjDDix-fjTNaS-fjDDnZ-fjTMBS-fjTMyf-fjTMpN-fjDCKe-fjTM1J-fjDDFe-fjDDux-HAHBB-bvz12v-5eNxQ6-fjTNgy-fjDDYc-fjDEAa-fjTRm5-fjTQYG-fjDE5c-fjTPBu-fjDEMD-fjDFm2-fjTP6w-fjDDrn-a447rG-7NvkDA-nReJNL-5ZQpBo-49H3wq-bqBWXm-aRoc3">Image credit</a></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-16318811912668111352014-03-13T05:00:00.000-07:002014-03-13T05:00:05.223-07:00Muscle Memories<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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My son has been begging for karate lessons for months, and we agreed that it would be better for him to actually learn than just make up his own moves on his sisters. We got the oldest two kidlets signed up, and it only made sense that my husband or I join too since we would have to wait anyway. My husband elected me.</div>
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I was secretly excited. I had earned a blue belt in the same system back in my teens and had loved it. But, hello. That was twenty years ago. I had stopped my second year of college because of schedule conflicts and had never gone back.</div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;">As we warmed up, I noticed that the sensei was probably half my age. We stretched in ways that my body had not even attempted in decades. Fifty pounds and four kids had altered my center of gravity. At one point, we stood on one foot to stretch and I toppled over. The poor sensei nearly turned purple holding back a laugh. I was beginning to question if I was just too old for this.</span><br />
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Read the rest over at <a href="http://deeperstory.com/muscle-memories/">A Deeper Story</a>. :)<br />
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/genista/263238241/">Image credit</a></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-86437259539244279362014-02-28T12:39:00.001-08:002014-02-28T18:31:18.450-08:00Our King's Cake Celebration<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I grew up hearing a lot about meaningless traditions and how dead and stifling they are. If they are meaningless to you, then they aren't worth much. This year, though, the kidlets and I have been discovering the richness of the liturgical year. We celebrated Advent together, and it melted my heart when the kids would remind us to pray with shining eyes. The eldest and I attended Midnight Mass together for the first time, and all of the kids, even the older ones, thought that our celebration of the Reyes Magos (Epiphany) to be a magical time. We have some very special Easter plans already, and so this week we have been talking about the time leading up to Lent.<br />
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Confession Number 1: I almost never remember to plan things in advance, and then get stuck having to wing it on the actual day after reading someone else's cool post. So we cheated and had a preview celebration of Mardi Gras today. We will do the real thing again, but I thought it would be fun to do a trial run in case any of you, dear readers, also tend to wait until a blog post reminds you.</div>
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Confession Number 2: I just said that to sound good. The real reason is that I did grocery shopping yesterday and they had cream cheese-filled King's cakes on sale, and it sounded too yummy to resist for elevenses today.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The crumbs and fingerprints are from some impatient little kidlets. Ahem.</td></tr>
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First, we talked about all the ways that God makes our lives rich with His love and how the richness of the cake and the sweetness of the sugar reminds us of how sweet His presence is in our lives. They wanted to know why the sugar was purple, green and gold, so we looked it up. The purple stands for justice, the green for faith and the gold for power. The kidlets were already talking about the Wise Men (and the straw filled shoes for the camels) so I told them that the shape of the cake is because of the way the Wise Men went home in a circular way to evade Herod. Of course, the fun part is finding the baby Jesus doll. Without any prompting, the kids told me that that was because finding Jesus is the most important thing in our whole lives. :happymamatears.</div>
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Together we prayed and gave thanks for the sweetness and joy of knowing God. We prayed that there would be justice for all people, especially the poor and oppressed. We asked for a vibrant, growing faith, that those who have gold would know that all power belongs to Christ, and that most of all we would always seek Jesus in our hearts. <br />
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Confession Number 3: I think that any great spiritual lesson quickly gave way to seeing who had the biggest slice and who would find the plastic Jesus doll. It was a beautiful moment, but it was also real life with a bunch of kidlets. That still doesn't keep me from getting all watery-eyed, though.<br />
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For the real Mardi Gras, we will do a repeat of this (although in the morning, we will be having pancakes and pancakes races, and watching the Olney/Kansas races on Youtube--yikes, that is a lot of sugar!). Then on Ash Wednesday, if my courage doesn't fail me, I will take all four little ones to church. Gulp. <br />
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I know that this is just a little thing, but at the risk of being trite (who am I kidding--I wallow in trite!), our lives are made up of these moments. I can't say for sure how much meaning the kidlets will find in the traditions we are embracing this year, but so far they have loved them and so have I. Besides, who doesn't enjoy an excuse to eat a cream cheese filled cinnamon roll covered in pretty sprinkles?</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-25687124459022590602014-02-21T14:40:00.003-08:002014-02-21T14:40:52.452-08:00Love Our Kids<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-20110480048748942662014-02-20T09:45:00.000-08:002014-02-20T09:45:46.967-08:00Night Terrors<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
We are so silly sometimes with our death-grip on promises and guarantees that never existed. My babies were supposed to sleep beautifully, with never a fear, because they were next to us. Most of the time they did. But not always. As long as I kept my mind focused on Scripture and prayer and trusted God, I was never supposed to be crippled by anxiety. Most of the time I wasn't. But not always. <br /><br />"Some nights I start screaming and crying inside to God, my heart hysterically gasping the same prayers over and over and over. Shaking and trembling just like my little ones. Frantically trying to see reality when old nightmares play in my head. Being just awake enough to realize that He is holding me, but not enough to know that I am safe."<br />
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I am over at<a href="http://deeperstory.com/night-terrors/" target="_blank"> A Deeper Story</a> today. <br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-20412183116973302522014-02-16T07:38:00.001-08:002014-02-16T08:08:25.638-08:00Super Parenting Library Giveaway ~ Jesus Feminist by Sarah Bessey (Ends February 23, 2014) <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Dear readers, <span style="font-family: inherit;">I am so, so thankful for you all. Really. I felt so alone early in our parenting journey, but you have helped me to feel understood and supported, and your knowledge and generosity have helped me to grow as a person. I wanted to give a tangible thank you, and since books are pretty much my favorite things in the whole universe (well, you know--along with chocolate and coffee), I thought about the writers who have given so unreservedly of their experience, wisdom and love. Their words lodged deep in my heart and have helped me in so many ways. So, to thank all of you, we are giving away some of my all-time favorites! Each book will have its own post, and you may enter for any or all of them. To enter, simply comment and tell me why you would like to have this book. :) </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">*****</span></div>
<b><a href="http://sarahbessey.com/jesus-feminist/" target="_blank">Jesus Feminist</a> by <a href="http://sarahbessey.com/" target="_blank">Sarah Bessey</a></b><br />
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Over and over on days when I have felt overwhelmed and doubted this whole mothering thing, I would go back and reread Sarah's blog, especially her <a href="http://sarahbessey.com/my-practices-of-mothering/" target="_blank">Practices of Mothering</a>*. Each time, I would end up with tears streaming down my face and hope rising in my heart. I was so excited to hear that she had a book coming out, and it did not disappoint.<br />
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As a young girl, I was steeped in the writings of Elisabeth Elliot and other Christian authors who argued vehemently against feminism--or at least what they imagined feminism to be. The primary accusation against feminists that I grew up hearing was that they were rejecting womanhood in an effort to be an (inferior) imitation of men. All of the condescending platitudes about separate but equal (which in practice was just as "equal" as it was towards people of color) ignored the reality of feminism, which is seeing both men and women as created in the image of God. God is not a man! When I grew older, I found myself rereading the Scriptures and seeing a call for mutual submission, not the one sided subservience of woman to man, but both men and women supporting and submitting to each other. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvkq-PDdP0AOsWiTzM0hHWb3SbkKeKJTsT-4xMetANSF5UMEb5ArhnzZncZJKK669yl7ivcL3hWt6xS1l_1V_QIbyZY0A5P5Mzu3_C_E1XG4dQnMqNImgfg1UFidC62YzFecHT11XGAyC5/s1600/Jesus-Feminist-Cover-copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvkq-PDdP0AOsWiTzM0hHWb3SbkKeKJTsT-4xMetANSF5UMEb5ArhnzZncZJKK669yl7ivcL3hWt6xS1l_1V_QIbyZY0A5P5Mzu3_C_E1XG4dQnMqNImgfg1UFidC62YzFecHT11XGAyC5/s1600/Jesus-Feminist-Cover-copy.jpg" height="400" width="262" /></a>Sarah Bessey's book is, without question, one of the most refreshing I have ever read on Christian women. Don't let the title fool you--this isn't a caricature of feminism, strident and shrill, the straw-woman of most Christian books that discuss feminism. This is a joyful, lovely praise song, joining hands with sisters everywhere and raising a melody of love. Whether you are a stay at home mom of tinies, a single woman, a pastor, an executive, a kindergarten teacher, or whatever God has called you to be, Sarah's book is a celebration of you and of our freedom to fulfill our destiny together, no matter what that looks like in our individual lives.<br />
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I have three daughters and a son, and I hear deep in my soul the call to teach them about what it means to be a child of God, to embrace their destiny in Him and to embrace their brothers and sisters in Christ. I want them to see that valuing each other lifts all of us up. I am so glad for voices like Sarah's that sing grace and truth over us.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #443629; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: medium;">You can win your own copy of <a href="http://sarahbessey.com/jesus-feminist/" target="_blank">Jesus Feminist</a>! </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #443629; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;"> To enter, leave a comment on this blog post telling why you would like to read it. If you have subscribed to Sarah Bessey's post by email, follow her on FB or follow Jesus Feminist on FB, please leave an additional comment for each to increase your chances to win. :) If your comment does not link to a profile with a public email address, <b>please make sure that you either leave your email address (myemail at whatever dot com) or sign up for notifications for replies so that I can notify you if you win.</b> I will choose a random winner on February 23, 2014. Also, please check out </span><a href="http://sarahbessey.com/" style="text-align: center;" target="_blank"><span style="color: #4b8a99; font-family: Trebuchet MS, Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px; text-align: left;">S</span></span>arah's website</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #443629; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;"> and </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/AOLFF" style="background-color: white; color: #4b8a99; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">t</a><span style="text-align: center;">he </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/JesusFeminist" style="text-align: center;" target="_blank">Jesus Feminist FB page</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #443629; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">--you will find some wonderful things there!</span><br />
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*I think that there may be some changes on her site. This link works for the list of posts, but when you try to go to an individual link you will get an error code. It is worth using the search or archives tab on her site to find the original posts. </div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com79tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-21915755883807532492014-02-07T11:44:00.001-08:002014-02-07T11:45:59.972-08:00Super Parenting Library Giveaway! ~ Mommy Overwhelm by Laura Schuerwegan of Authentic Parenting (Ends February 15, 2014)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhudh95cxwaOJTeBWqkjzqjSpEa-8PlB7oFAmWUJX8lCqAtIdDwyuRFB6pR77CWUAUUcaqlKzXpSf6S694lJoheMnk-8pqOX0TFzvTGODx-i81esfcSi_N63pIKvlXv0bja-ugUL-PZrjv_/s1600/giveaway.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhudh95cxwaOJTeBWqkjzqjSpEa-8PlB7oFAmWUJX8lCqAtIdDwyuRFB6pR77CWUAUUcaqlKzXpSf6S694lJoheMnk-8pqOX0TFzvTGODx-i81esfcSi_N63pIKvlXv0bja-ugUL-PZrjv_/s1600/giveaway.jpg" height="338" width="400" /></a><br />
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Dear readers, <span style="font-family: inherit;">I am so, so thankful for you all. Really. I felt so alone early in our parenting journey, but you have helped me to feel understood and supported, and your knowledge and generosity have helped me to grow as a person. I wanted to give a tangible thank you, and since books are pretty much my favorite things in the whole universe (well, you know--along with chocolate and coffee), I thought about the writers who have given so unreservedly of their experience, wisdom and love. Their words lodged deep in my heart and have helped me in so many ways. So, to thank all of you, we are giving away some of my all-time favorites! Each book will have its own post, and you may enter for any or all of them. To enter, simply comment and tell me why you would like to have this book. :) </span><br />
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<b><a href="http://www.authenticparenting.info/p/books.html" target="_blank">Mommy Overwhelm by Laura Schuerwegan</a></b><br />
When I first started blogging, I never expected anyone other than a few friends and family to read it (and not many of them!). Most of my posts got about 14 views (most of them mine, finding new typos that I had missed) but one day I saw to my shock that a post had a several hundred views. <a href="http://www.authenticparenting.info/" target="_blank">Authentic Parenting</a> had shared it, and as we chatted, Laura invited me to <a href="http://www.authenticparenting.info/2010/11/gently-disciplining-ourselves-part-i.html" target="_blank">guest post a three part series</a>. It was greatly thanks to her (and Hermana Linda, of <a href="http://www.whynottrainachild.com/" target="_blank">Why Not Train a Child?</a>) that I decided to start a Facebook page. Being a faith blogger as well as a gentle parent kind of puts me in a weird category sometimes, and I knew that my religious views could be an obstacle for pages that focus on parenting, so I am especially grateful for Laura's acceptance.<br />
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So many wonderful moms get blindsided by depression. I have always been a genuinely happy person, and with all the challenges of pregnancy and birth never felt particularly depressed. A couple of years ago, though, the mommy-overwhelm began to creep up on me. Every day felt like running in sand. Things seemed to take so much more effort than they should. My anxiety spiked and I started having panic attacks. When you are in the middle of that version of normal, all of your energy goes into coping. One of the hardest things is reaching out to others when you already feel so fragile. Although the book does not replace a medical professional, Laura has so much empathy, encouragement and practical advice to help you heal. I particularly loved that there were so many little things that I could do, ideas that I wouldn't have come up with on my own, that were manageable and easy enough not to add to the burden of things that I should do but couldn't. I recommend this book to any mama who struggles sometimes with Mommy Overwhelm!<!--3--><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #443629; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: medium;">You can win your own copy of <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Mommy-Overwhelm-Holistic-Approach-Depression-ebook/dp/B00E59MSMU/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1391801331&sr=1-1&keywords=mommy+overwhelm" target="_blank">Mommy Overwhelm</a>! </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 21px;"><span style="color: #443629; font-size: 15px;"> To enter, leave a comment on this blog post telling why you would like to read it. If you comment anonymously, </span><b style="color: #443629;"><span style="font-size: large;">please make sure that you either leave your email address (myemail at whatever dot com) or sign up for notifications for replies so that I can notify you if you win.</span></b><span style="font-size: 15px;"><span style="color: #443629;"> For additional entries, if you are following the Authentic Parenting blog or Facebook page, leave an additional comment for each one. I will choose a random winner on February 15, 2014. Please check out the </span><span style="color: #4b8a99;"><a href="http://www.authenticparenting.info/" target="_blank">Authentic Parenting</a></span></span></span> website<span style="background-color: white; color: #443629; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;"> and </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/AOLFF" style="background-color: white; color: #4b8a99; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">t</a><span style="text-align: center;">he </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/pages/Authentic-Parenting/463381595229?fref=ts" target="_blank">Authentic Parenting FB page</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #443629; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">--you will find some wonderful things there!</span><br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-21981986706461559532014-01-29T13:46:00.001-08:002014-01-29T13:53:18.394-08:00Building a Home on Grace and Love ~ Guest Post by Rebecca Eanes<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<b>Building a Home on Grace and Love</b></div>
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The good message of the Gospels has reached every corner of the earth! Yet, there are many who reject God.<br />
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Those who defy Him and willfully sin know full well the punishment will be Hell, yet even in the face of eternal damnation, they rebel. Why? Because they have no relationship with Him.<br />
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They don't know Him. They don't trust Him. They do not know his Love or His Grace.<br />
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You see, it isn't the <i>fear of punishment</i> that keeps us on the right path, but a <i>relationship</i> with our Lord, because when we fully understand His mercy, His love, His grace, His heart, we <i>want</i> to follow Him. If fear of punishment alone was enough, everyone would be followers!<br />
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And though I fail often, my Father doesn't hurt me. He whispers in my ear, "That's the wrong way, child." He offers me His hand so I can get back up, He forgives me, and I try again.<br />
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It is this model that I attempt to follow with my children. I have drawn them close to me, formed strong bonds of trust, and shown them my unfailing love and grace. We have had countless conversations where I have revealed my heart to them.<br />
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They know me. They trust me. They know of my love and grace.</div>
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Because they trust me, they want to follow me. They know I have their best interests at heart. They know I will not lead them astray. This doesn't mean they don't sometimes face the consequences of their actions, as we all do, but that when they do face them, I am right there, arms out, accepting them back into my arms immediately. </div>
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When they stumble, just as I do, I don't hurt them. I lean down and whisper, "That's the wrong way, child." </div>
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I help them up by teaching them, always teaching, gently, consistently, where the right path is. I keep them close and I affirm them often.<br />
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Have you noticed how much God affirms us in the Holy Bible? Have you paid attention at all the ways he affirms us? Ephesians 1:7, 1 John 4.4, Romans 15:7, Ephesians 1:3-4, Philippians 4:19 just to name a few.</div>
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Steps for building a home on grace and love:</div>
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1. Form a strong bond of trust with each child. Spend time playing, reading, talking, cuddling. Respond promptly when they need you. Do not use harsh words, but always try to be kind. Pray daily for the fruits of the spirit to be evident in your parenting.</div>
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2. Teach consistently. Each misbehavior is a chance to teach your child correct behavior. Teaching correct behavior is more fruitful than punishing poor behavior because they need to know what to do, not just what not to do. Punishment pushes them away, teaching pulls them closer. </div>
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3. Be a good role model. The fact is that children will learn more from what you are than from what you say. They learn what they live. Show them what goodness, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, diligence, etc. look like. Would Jesus' followers have followed Him had he not lived what he preached?</div>
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4. Discipline gently and with empathy. If after teaching and problem solving, your child chooses to do something that is wrong, a natural consequence will likely follow. Allow the natural consequence to unfold if it is suitable, but convey to your child that you are sorry for his/her choice and the resulting consequence. Always let them know your are for them, not against them. Surely our Lord doesn't like to see us falter, but He still extends grace. If a natural consequence isn't appropriate, a logical consequence may be given with empathy with the purpose of teaching, not to condemn. </div>
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5. Stay close to your children through open communication. Be affectionate. Show interest in what they are interested in. Affirm them daily. Build them up.<i> Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give <sup class="crossreference" value="(<a href="#cen-ESV-29285B" title="See cross-reference B">B</a>)"></sup>grace to those who hear</i>. Ephesians 4:29</div>
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6. Let nothing separate them from your love, for we enjoy that same unconditional love from God. <span class="text Rom-8-38" id="en-NIV-28155" style="font-style: italic;">For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future,<sup class="crossreference" value="(<a href="#cen-NIV-28155A" title="See cross-reference A">A</a>)"></sup> nor any powers,<sup class="crossreference" value="(<a href="#cen-NIV-28155B" title="See cross-reference B">B</a>)"></sup></span> <span class="text Rom-8-39" id="en-NIV-28156"><i>neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God<sup class="crossreference" value="(<a href="#cen-NIV-28156C" title="See cross-reference C">C</a>)"></sup> that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. </i>Romans 8:38-39</span></div>
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<span class="text Rom-8-39">7. And always remember the Biblical definition of LOVE. Love is<b> patient</b> and <b>kind</b>; love does not envy or boast; it is <b>not arrogant or rude</b>. It <b>does not insist on its own way</b>; it is <b>not irritable or resentful</b>; it <b>does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth</b>. Love <b>bears</b> all things, <b>believes </b>all things, <b>hopes</b> all things, <b>endures</b> all things. </span></div>
<span class="text Rom-8-39" id="en-NIV-28156"><sup class="crossreference" value="(<a href="#cen-NIV-28156D" title="See cross-reference D">D</a>)"></sup></span><br />
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Blessings,</div>
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Rebecca Eanes</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioj_EIObC6_uXjy-qG4m0D-c7wfENBL5YE08bE9w1Ao-tF9-Oz1tXxmGZhj2xsF6yJhoTPDwO4AabeHXB5oNxShesrq9szTOVBMXTvfJPkPj1erK2JxAcmGcF-CIehOIHUVFEte2v69ai3/s1600/1531587_244714649031943_1080224820_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioj_EIObC6_uXjy-qG4m0D-c7wfENBL5YE08bE9w1Ao-tF9-Oz1tXxmGZhj2xsF6yJhoTPDwO4AabeHXB5oNxShesrq9szTOVBMXTvfJPkPj1erK2JxAcmGcF-CIehOIHUVFEte2v69ai3/s1600/1531587_244714649031943_1080224820_n.jpg" height="200" width="158" /></a></div>
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Rebecca Eanes is a best-selling author, blogger, and the founder of <a href="http://www.positive-parents.org/">Positive-parents.org</a>. Her books include <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Newbies-Guide-Positive-Parenting/dp/149046364X/ref=la_B00DODBI3S_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1390930712&sr=1-2">The Newbie's Guide to Positive Parenting</a> and a co-authored book, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Positive-Parenting-Action-Principles-Childhood/dp/1490413588/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_y">Positive Parenting in Action: The How-To Guide to Putting Positive Parenting Principles into Action in Early Childhood</a>. She is a homeschooling mama to 2, happy wife of her high school sweetheart, Jesus follower, dreamer, and joy-seeker.<br />
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She does not claim to be a parenting "expert" but writes parent-to-parent with the inspiring message of creating peaceful homes through positive parenting.<br />
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Note from Dulce: I have a somewhat different view of Hell than most Christians, probably quite different from Becky's, but I agree with her point that fear of punishment is not a valid deterrent, and it certainly does not change the heart.</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-40069228171754270152014-01-28T13:32:00.002-08:002014-02-06T17:30:01.597-08:00Super Parenting Library Giveaway! ~ Grace Based Living by Crystal Lutton (Ends February 5, 2014)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhp8h57QNL5-_ZyYxSmoPIpeuxWK0BpH4QjtzTofuHEHD029AzM-xnzq7-SPpGIcsQIltW0LsG0NEDX9wYN5rR8n-sQkmitr9xviI6Fl3NwNYfeHToQbDlZTOijiakGctQuNpHDg9xzr1yC/s1600/giveaway.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhp8h57QNL5-_ZyYxSmoPIpeuxWK0BpH4QjtzTofuHEHD029AzM-xnzq7-SPpGIcsQIltW0LsG0NEDX9wYN5rR8n-sQkmitr9xviI6Fl3NwNYfeHToQbDlZTOijiakGctQuNpHDg9xzr1yC/s1600/giveaway.jpg" height="338" width="400" /></a><br />
Dear readers, <span style="font-family: inherit;">I am so, so thankful for you all. Really. I felt so alone early in our parenting journey, but you have helped me to feel understood and supported, and your knowledge and generosity have helped me to grow as a person. I wanted to give a tangible thank you, and since books are pretty much my favorite things in the whole universe (well, you know--along with chocolate and coffee), I thought about the writers who have given so unreservedly of their experience, wisdom and love. Their words lodged deep in my heart and have helped me in so many ways. So, to thank all of you, we are giving away some of my all-time favorites! Each book will have its own post, and you may enter for any or all of them. To enter, simply comment and tell me why you would like to have this book. :) </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">*****</span></div>
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<a href="http://crystallutton.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/GBLFrontCover-641x1024.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://crystallutton.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/GBLFrontCover-641x1024.png" height="320" width="200" /></a><b><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Grace-Based-Living-Crystal-Lutton-ebook/dp/B00B77U3YS" target="_blank">Grace Based Living</a> by <a href="http://crystallutton.com/" target="_blank">Crystal Lutton</a></span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">When I first began questioning corporal punishment, the most important thing to me was finding out what the Bible really teaches about it. I found the <a href="http://aolff.org/" target="_blank">Arms of Love Family Fellowship site</a> and read article after article after article. It blew me away. <span style="background-color: white; color: #443629; line-height: 21px;"> Crystal literally wrote the book on Grace Based Discipline. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #443629; line-height: 21px;">Her teachings changed our lives in ways I would never have imagined. Her book, </span><a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/193058668X?tag=gentlechristi-20&camp=14573&creative=327641&linkCode=as1&creativeASIN=193058668X&adid=19EC455PHSSND9P9YRC5&&ref-refURL=http%3A%2F%2Fgentlechristianmothers.com%2Ftopics%2Fgentlediscipline.php" style="background-color: white; color: #4b8a99; line-height: 21px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Biblical Parenting</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #443629; line-height: 21px;">, gave me a brand new paradigm for discipline. </span>Like many others who start off looking at parenting issues, I found that the grace of Jesus transforms <i>all</i> of our relationships. <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Grace-Based-Living-Crystal-Lutton-ebook/dp/B00B77U3YS" target="_blank">Grace Based Living</a> examines all of these, including marriage and parenting, from a foundation of Christ-based love, service and authority. It is a life changing book in the best way. <span style="background-color: white; color: #443629; line-height: 21px;"> Crystal is also </span><a href="http://rachelheldevans.com/ask-a-messianic-jew-response" style="background-color: white; color: #4b8a99; line-height: 21px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">a rabbi/pastor</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #443629; line-height: 21px;">, and her ability to share Hebraic perspective has enriched my understanding of the Scriptures. Along with all of this, she regularly serves as a Titus 2 woman to many, giving practical and loving help to other moms.</span> In the last few years, I have had the privilege of getting to know Crystal better, and seeing the wisdom, truth and mercy she shares has been incredible. I want to be like her when I grow up. :) (And a PS--She makes lovely items for sale at <a href="http://www.etsy.com/shop/adornedbycrystal" target="_blank">Adorned by Crystal.</a>)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;">You can win your choice of a Kindle version of <i>Grace Based Living</i> or an autographed copy! </span> To enter, leave a comment on this blog post telling why you would like to read it. If you comment anonymously, please make sure that you either leave your email address (myemail at whatever dot com) or sign up for notifications for replies so that I can notify you if you win. I will choose a random winner on February 5, 2014. Also, please check out <a href="http://www.crystallutton.com/" target="_blank">Crystal's website</a> and <a href="https://www.facebook.com/AOLFF" target="_blank">FB pages</a>--you will find some wonderful things there!</span><br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-84328281795829490692014-01-06T12:42:00.004-08:002014-01-06T12:42:46.669-08:00A Most Embarrassing Moment, or To Thine Own Underwear Be True<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Honesty and authenticity are important for bloggers, right? Not sure if that really means letting you all in on some of my most humiliating moments, but my filter has always had a leak. I offer my deepest empathy to all my friends who have found that sometimes things don't fit the way we expect, and then must walk away. Head over to <a href="http://deeperstory.com/to-thine-own-underwear-be-true/" target="_blank">A Deeper Story</a> for all the embarrassing details. :)</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-67226344146813351102013-12-22T11:20:00.003-08:002013-12-22T12:17:01.538-08:00To the Mom Who Brought Wonder Woman to Church<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Image credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/cayusa/2826632862/sizes/n/" target="_blank">Cayusa on Flickr</a></td></tr>
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Dear Mama,<br />
<br />
I saw you duck your head as you entered, embarrassed that the singing had already begun. It's OK. Getting little ones out of the house takes longer than you expect some days. I was just delighted that you and your little girls made it!<br />
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You bit your lip and winced when you realized that all the pews in the back half were full and that you would have to go nearer the front. You weren't distracting the others. They smiled as you and your three year old knelt down and were happy to scoot over and give you more room.<br />
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When your five year old pulled off her coat, revealing a Wonder Woman dress and purple sweat pants in all their glory, I could see you thinking again that it wasn't appropriate for church. Oh, mama! First of all, I have kids with SPD and I know very well what it is like when every single item of clothing they own suddenly doesn't feel right. Here is the most important thing: she had put on joy, love and a tender and open spirit. She has plenty of time to adapt to social conventions of what is appropriate. What I saw was a pure heart that was happy to be there, and that is far more important. Seriously--if you had pushed the issue, and forced her to change, it would only have meant that you both arrived in a bad mood (if you arrived at all!). And finally, she was <i>totally</i> rockin' the sparkly shoes with her outfit!<br />
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Her eyes lit up when she saw the purple and gold robe the priest was wearing--<i>her favorite color! </i>When she and your three year old began to pray along with the congregation, my heart melted. I chuckled inside when the littlest one began to clap, even though no one else was clapping. Although they can't read yet, they turned the pages in the hymnal and tried to imitate the adults, and it reminded me of a couple of girls about that age who used to close their eyes and raise their hands in worship. They weren't sure why, but they saw the grown ups doing it and thought it must be important. During the homily, they looked around, and their eyes sparkled just like the stained glass windows they were admiring.<br />
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I could see your shoulders tense up a little at the wriggling, and knew that you were worried about their behavior. I wasn't. And that is why I pulled my arms around you and whispered in your ear, "Shame off you! My house is a place of grace, not shame."<br />
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"<span style="background-color: #fdfeff; color: #001320; font-family: Trebuchet, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; text-align: justify;">And he said: "Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." ~ Matthew 18:3 NIV</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #fdfeff; color: #001320; font-family: Trebuchet, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; text-align: justify;"><b><a href="http://biblehub.com/matthew/19-14.htm" target="_blank">Jesus said</a>, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Even when they come dressed as Wonder Woman.</b></span><br />
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With all my love,<br />
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God<br />
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I know that some people will feel uncomfortable that I signed God's name to this. It is not done in any spirit of irreverence. You see, I was that frazzled mom this morning, and I believe that this is what He told me.</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-19504503043241592072013-12-05T11:11:00.002-08:002014-03-01T16:45:14.671-08:00Prepper-ish: A List for Those Who Are Not Too Worried, but Want to Skip the Stores (Bonus Cookie Recipe!)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/jugglerpm/2393657950/" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" title="Oatmeal Cookies by jugglerpm, on Flickr"><img alt="Oatmeal Cookies" src="http://farm3.staticflickr.com/2391/2393657950_074013d3a2.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
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As a winter storm barreled our way this morning, one of my favorite writers, <a href="http://www.sortacrunchy.net/" target="_blank">SortaCrunchy</a>, asked what we were doing to prepare. I mentioned that we didn't do much beyond baking a double batch of our favorite dark chocolate walnut oatmeal cookies, because we are prepper-ish. In other words, you will never see us on a reality TV show, and we would be in deep doodoo if a disaster lasted beyond a couple of weeks, but we also get to avoid the panicked crowds at the store before the occasional ice storm. So, if you want to be reasonably prepared in case of a minor emergency, but have no interest in Youtube videos about the coming apocalypse, this post is for you.<br />
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Our pantry staples:<br />
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<li>Several cases of bottled water (enough to last our family of six and pets for several days)</li>
<li>Several bags of chocolate chips (seriously, we do not want to endure stress without chocolate)</li>
<li>Plenty of coffee (ditto)</li>
<li>Several cans of sweetened condensed milk for the aforementioned coffee</li>
<li>Toilet paper</li>
<li>Trash bags</li>
<li>Salsa</li>
<li>Flour</li>
<li>Honey</li>
<li>Sugar</li>
<li>Baking powder</li>
<li>Vanilla</li>
<li>Oatmeal</li>
<li>Candles</li>
<li>Lighters and matches, flashlights and batteries</li>
<li>Any meds</li>
<li>Beans and rice, because we like them</li>
<li>Cocoa and tea</li>
<li>Dish soap</li>
<li>Canned goods that we actually like, mainly tomatoes </li>
<li>Pet food</li>
<li>Applesauce</li>
<li>Pasta</li>
<li>Parmesan cheese</li>
<li>precooked shelf stable bacon</li>
<li>chicken broth</li>
<li>Folex (a miracle worker for cleaning anything, especially if you can't do laundry for a few days)</li>
<li>plain bleach</li>
<li>chiles</li>
<li>salt</li>
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Our freezer staples:<br />
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<li>ground beef</li>
<li>chicken </li>
<li>cream</li>
<li>frozen fruit</li>
<li>butter (I have a Paula Deen streak, y'all, and I also stock up on pastured butter during the spring and summer and then stick it in the freezer so that I have it year round) </li>
<li>bread</li>
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Most of these are pretty self-explanatory, but you likely noticed the prevalence of comfort foods. I know that there is the idea that if you are starving, you will eat anything, but it isn't true, and we have kids, and honestly--if I am already stressed out and in an emergency situation, I <i>need</i> my coffee and chocolate. Similarly, I am not optimistic enough to think that that will be a great time to try to convince my children that canned spinach is going to be delicious. So I only stock things that we already enjoy and would use, which means we are limited on the veggies, but most spaghetti sauces have veggies, or you can do some V-8 or something. And though I know how gross Velveeta is, it lasts forever and makes really good cheese dip, so I keep a box or two and some Rotel on hand as a special treat. Think of your favorite foods and plan from there.<br />
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Although water is the biggie, I also want plenty of flavored beverages in case we need to boil water later on. In Haiti, we added a few drops of bleach to the water and boiled it to make it safe for drinking, then disguised the taste by making it into strong coffee with lovely Haitian vanilla. Tea or cocoa can be used if you aren't into coffee or just want a variety.<br />
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Since we have dealt with egg and dairy allergies in the past, I am not too worried about eggs and milk (and applesauce can make a good egg substitute for baking). <br />
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We also keep an extra can of propane for our grill in case we need to use it for cooking.<br />
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For any minor medical emergencies, having four kidlets means that we are pretty well stocked, but I try to make sure we have plenty of the basics: essential oils, bandaids, pain reliever, allergy meds, burn ointment, etc. <br />
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Make sure that all phones, etc, are fully charged, and there are even some neat solar chargers and other fun things if you are worried about being without electricity for a considerable period.<br />
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Books, of course.<br />
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Our little ones are now weaned, and out of diapers (praise Him!), but you would obviously want to have extra diapers in their sizes, wipes, and any other baby needs.<br />
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I have a diva cup and <a href="http://dulcefamily.blogspot.com/2012/08/ditched-my-diva-glad-i-bought-my-rags.html" target="_blank">cloth pads</a>. Although I am not a fan of the diva normally, I would totally go with it in this scenario.<br />
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The FEMA site has some helpful guidelines for building your own emergency kits <a href="http://www.ready.gov/build-a-kit" target="_blank">here</a>.<br />
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The good thing is that you don't have to stock up all at once. An extra case of toilet paper here, and few extra cans of tomatoes there, a $4 case of water this week, an extra bag of chocolate chips next week go a long way without breaking the budget. <br />
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As we cozy up with extra blankies, a movie and cookies, I am really glad that I won't have to fight anyone at the store or be around well-meaning but inept drivers on icy roads for the next few days.<br />
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Now, for our favorite cookie recipe. I suck at giving recipes because I am of the throw-it-together-till-it-looks-right school of measurement, but this one is nearly impossible to screw up. I used to do a GF/EF/DF version, and it always turned out great! <br />
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2 C flour<br />
2 C regular oats<br />
1 1/3 C honey or sugar<br />
1 1/2 C dark chocolate chips (we love the 60% cacao Ghiradelli, but any is fine)<br />
1 C walnuts<br />
1 rounded tsp baking powder<br />
3/4 tsp salt<br />
2 sticks melted butter<br />
1 egg<br />
generous glug of vanilla<br />
a splash of milk if needed<br />
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Preheat oven to 350. Mix dry ingredients together (if you use honey, save it for the wet ingredients). Melt butter and let cool just enough so that it won't melt the chocolate or cook your egg. Add in the egg, vanilla, honey and stir, then blend with the dry ingredients. It should be thick enough to hold its shape, but thoroughly moistened. If you need to (basically if you used sugar instead of honey), add a splash of milk. Scoop into golf-ball sized balls and put on a cookie sheet. Back about 15 minutes or until the edges are golden. Then enjoy the sound of the storm on your windows with a good book, cookies and coffee. :)</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-18787294150867669762013-11-26T16:45:00.001-08:002013-11-26T16:45:24.000-08:00How I Lost My Voice, and Got it Back ~ Anonymous Post (Sensitive)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
It started innocuously enough. I loved to read, and my favorite heroes were self-reliant and uncomplaining, even in the face of adversity and mistreatment.<br />
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There was a universal scorn against tattling among my friends.<br />
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My exasperated mother told me over and over to stop trying to justify my actions and accept just punishment and show contrition. I was six. <br />
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He was a wealthy professional. My eyes wide at his luxurious home, I also noticed that my parents were extra-polite to him. They respected him for his knowledge, experience and reputation. <br />
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I was frozen with shame as he pulled down my underwear. I looked at the ceiling and tried to convince myself to believe his lies as he touched me. I was eight.<br />
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I didn't want to say anything. Trying to get the right tone of voice and not sure if I should be casual or outraged, I told my parents what had happened. <br />
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My mom was upset. My dad was uncomfortable. There were some careful questions as to exactly what had taken place. They argued. And then...nothing. It was ignored. No police report, no confrontation with him, not even the trouble to keep me from being alone with him again.<br />
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Each time, I held my breath, afraid he would try again. The nightmares were always connected to his place, though never to his act. I was afraid to go to sleep. Months passed, and just when I started to think it would never happen again, it did. <br />
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The second time, I didn't bring it up. I was nine.<br />
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Deep in the patriarchy/courtship movement, there was an agreement: I would keep my heart and body pure, and following the tenets of courtship would keep me safe. Going through my father would mean that I was respected and valued.<br />
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Brushing my arm. My shoulder. A squeeze. Always little things, but always finding a way to touch me. I squirmed, blushed and ignored it. Finally, after weeks, I went to my dad and told him, feeling awkward beyond words. I had a suspicion as to his response, but this was only a teenage guy. Maybe it would be different? I had to force out the words, asking if he would tell him to back off and stop touching me. I could see the humiliation in my dad's face at the idea as he asked how important it was. And I mumbled "not very," because it clearly wasn't. I was fourteen.<br />
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His pastor praised him as the most upstanding young man in his whole youth group, one who was committed to sexual purity and had a heart that was devoted to God. The first time I met the guy, we were crowded into the back seat of a carload of people. Of course he was pressing against me--there wasn't any room. Except later that afternoon, there was plenty of room, and he stood behind me and began to rub my butt. I was mortified, and took a second before I could work up the courage to move away. I knew better than to bring it up to anyone else, but I wrote him a letter expressing how much it bothered me. He responded with a very nice apology. We wound up spending quite a bit of time together and he was always very respectful and polite, and never again initiated any physical contact. I was sixteen.<br />
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I was working a volunteer position with an international company. Every single time I or any of my female coworkers passed a particular employee, he would make lewd suggestions in reference to our jobs. I rolled my eyes and ignored it, but a friend insisted that we needed to file a report, if not just for ourselves then out of consideration of the repercussions if he were to repeat that to a woman from another country that was doing business with us. We reported his behavior. The supervisors were horrified by his comments and took it very seriously. They never once dismissed or minimized his behavior, or our discomfort with his harassment. I was twenty one.<br />
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I had a little girl, and I realized that I would always fight to protect her, and that if she ever, ever came to me, I would believe her and do everything I possibly could to keep her safe. I was twenty nine.<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-57788361176866103802013-11-07T10:42:00.000-08:002013-11-07T10:42:06.929-08:00The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline (Book Review and Giveaway!)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
For the last nine years, I have immersed myself in the world of gentle parenting, and LR Knost's books represent some of the best info I have ever found. The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline not only covers the background of <i>why</i> gentle parenting is so important for healthy families, but it also includes the <i>how</i>. How do you make this work? What does it look like in a busy family with several kidlets and many needs?<br />
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Some of the things that I loved about the book: (Does it sound too schoolgirly to shriek, "Everything!"? OK, well, here are some of the things that I super-de-doopery loved about it.)<br />
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<li>Bite sized chapters. The 30 chapters are informative, but also short and easy to read, which is especially helpful when your reading time some days is just a few minutes on the toilet. </li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>Chapters for all ages. So many gentle parenting books focus on babyhood, which is--admit it--relatively easy. No matter how curious, a one year old doesn't push nearly as many buttons as a sassy four year old or a six year old in the throes of disequilibrium. <i>The Gentle Parent</i> gives specific chapters for toddlers and preschoolers while still devoting a full third of the book to middle childhood, the teens and beyond. </li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>It's truly gentle. I have been disappointed in several books that talk about positive parenting but are really just punishement lite--more sophisticated ways to shame and punish our children than brute physical force. We recognize that childish bullying can take many forms, whether through punching a child on the playground, shunning them at the lunch table or humiliating them online. Parenting bullying is still bullying whether through spanking, forced isolation or shaming. The techniques here are focused on the three Cs: Connection, Communication and Cooperation.</li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>It's truly practical. Many books focus on vague rainbow-flower-sparkly-unicorn principles that sound good (and maybe even are) but in the moment of dealing with a child who bites or hits or is melting down, most of us don't need lofty sounding ideas--we need targeted, rational and compassionate steps. This book has individual chapters on tantrums, hitting/kicking/throwing/biting, lying, backtalk, parenting in public and strong-willed, highly sensitive children. <b>Over and over I found new ideas and tools to improve my relationship with my children and ways to help them cope</b>.</li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li> It's fun. The chapter Sandbox Soapbox: Toddler Insights had me laughing out loud. It was so insightful and so entertaining. Ideas like the Calm Me jars and the scripts for silliness were great, because those things just don't come naturally to me. And even when dealing with parental hurts and establishing firm boundaries for how parents need to act, LR Knost is never belittling or discouraging. Chapters like Hurting Parents, Hurting Children, The Butterfly Effect and The Color of Change, and All the 'Right' Parenting Moves shower parents with the same loving wisdom that she approaches children.</li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>It's effective. I have applied many of the concepts that The Gentle Parent covers with my own four kidlets. LR Knost has used them with her own six children, two of whom have sensory issues, one with Sensory Processing Disorder, two with ADD, one with Auditory Processing Disorder and two who are very intense/high-needs, as well as with the other families she has helped. I can always tell a difference when I have been spending some time reading her books--I am more patient and centered, my children are more connected and cooperative, and there is more harmony in our lives. With <a href="http://dulcefamily.blogspot.com/2013/03/two-thousand-kisses-day-gentle.html" target="_blank">my review</a> of Two Thousand Kisses a Day, I described it as love waves that keep splashing <span style="font-size: large;">on my family the whole day, where we <b>all</b> experienced more peace, joy, patience, kindness and self control. That has been true of all of her books and is why they are one of my treasured resources. </span><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></li>
</ul>
<span style="font-size: large;">Seriously, y'all. I used a highlighter to go over my favorite quotes and ideas, and nearly every page has lemon-scented yellow on it. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">One final note--as a Jesus-lover, my parenting and my faith are very much intertwined. Although this book is not religious in tone, I know that this also reflects the author's deep relationship with God and the love that fills their home. I highly recommend her <a href="http://www.littleheartsbooks.com/category/christian/" target="_blank">posts on Christian parenting</a> and her interview with Gentle Christian Mothers.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">So how can you get it? It is available on Amazon and </span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;">from the <a href="http://www.littleheartsbooks.com/" target="_blank">Little Hearts Books website</a></span>, and for international mamas who don't want to pay that much shipping there is also an <a href="http://www.etsy.com/shop/LittleHeartsBooks?ref=em" target="_blank">Etsy shop</a>. <b>Best of all, you have a chance to get it for FREE! As part of the celebration for reaching 3,000 Facebook friends this week, we are offering a free copy of The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline.</b> To enter, just leave a comment on this blog post with your email address by 11:00PM CST on Sunday, November 17, 2013. One winner will be chosen randomly. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />Also, be sure and check out the <a href="http://www.littleheartsbooks.com/" target="_blank">Little Hearts blog</a> and <a href="https://www.facebook.com/littleheartsbooks?fref=ts" target="_blank">Facebook pages</a>. I have been blessed with access to a ton of
wonderful parenting pages and I simply don't have time to stay caught up
on all of them, but this is one I never want to miss because it ALWAYS
refreshes my spirit. </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-87259749578752967862013-10-30T09:08:00.000-07:002013-10-30T09:18:10.781-07:00A Response to John Piper's "Parents, Require Obedience of Your Children" <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<a href="http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/parents-require-obedience-of-your-children" target="_blank">This post</a> has been all over my newsfeed today. There are some good points in it, for sure, but there was also much that left me either shuddering or rolling my eyes. Our world is already saturated with adversarial, fear-based parenting that tries to mix with common sense, and I would much rather see more Gospel that is truly good news for our children and families.<br />
<br />
Piper's article starts off lamenting permissive parenting where parents repeatedly give a child instructions that the child ignores, and then resort to bribes.<br />
<br />
OK, I can agree that that is not necessarily effective parenting. We are teaching children that our words don't matter if we toss them out there willy-nilly and they know that we don't mean them. However, he doesn't clarify whether or not the children heard the instructions, which actually is rather important. My children, just like me, often become so engrossed in whatever they are doing that it doesn't always register that someone is talking to them. In that case, yes, I repeat myself. I also try to get close enough to my child to gently touch a shoulder and make eye contact so that I know they are aware of what I am saying.<br />
<br />
As for the bribery, it is just the flip side of his own form of motivation. He advocates punishment and fear-based coercion, some parents prefer to rely on bribery as a more positive version. The thing is, though, that both punishment and rewards are external motivation. Neither encourage children to do the right thing because of love and desire for righteousness--it is all about what is in it for them and how to keep themselves most comfortable. <b>I want my children to go beyond self-centeredness to Christ-centeredness.</b><br />
<br />
Then the ick starts to ramp up: he essentially says that if parents don't enforce immediate compliance every time, they are training their children to be shot by the police. <i>Really?</i> The fear-mongering here is a bit over the top. Fear clouds good judgement. When you encourage parents to operate from a place of fear, almost anything can be justified. It's the "<a href="http://greenegem.wordpress.com/2010/11/11/the-danger-dilemma/" target="_blank">spank-them-so-they-don't-run-in-the-street</a>" argument on steroids. After all, if you are convinced that your children will be killed, or go to hell, or whatever other dire outcome, lesser violence seems acceptable and even desirable. <i>And if you are scared enough, you just might not realize that there are better ways. </i>My own worst parenting moments have <b>always</b> come from fear.<i><br /></i><br />
<br />
Piper claims that "requiring obedience of children is implicit in the biblical requirement that children obey their parents." Where does he find this in Scripture? The commandment is not, "Parents, demand honor for yourselves." Read the
Gospels and look at Jesus' response to the disciples when they started
trying to grasp honor and position for themselves. Arrogantly demanding
that others honor us goes entirely against the nature of Christ.<br />
<br />
Consider this other example of Biblical family relationships. Husbands
and wives are commanded to submit to each other, but they are certainly
not commanded to coerce the other into submission. Knowing that Piper believes wives must obey their husbands, if he is
going to be consistent with this idea, then he would believe that
husbands must force their wives to submit. That is a recipe for abuse.
For a Reformed pastor to teach that we must coerce others into obeying
God seems awfully Inquisition-like.<br />
<br />
We are responsible
to God for following His commands <b><i>to us. </i></b>We are <i>not</i> responsible for exacting revenge against those who do not soothe our pride. <br />
<br />
Another important consideration is that obedience is far more than compliance.
Compliance is just outwardly doing what is required. True obedience
means that they hear with their hearts, they understand, and they choose
to obey. <b>It is a heart response of united purpose.</b> It cannot be forced. If it is done out of fear, it is merely compliance, not obedience. And <a href="http://dulcefamily.blogspot.com/2011/12/defiance-and-thought-police.html" target="_blank">nowhere are parents given the authority to judge the hearts</a>
and intents of their children. To attempt that is to try to usurp
power that belongs to God alone, and a far more serious thing than any
childish mistakes our little ones might make.<br />
<br />
Piper's third point is also disturbing: "Little children, under a year old, can be shown effectively what they
may not touch, bite, pull, poke, spit out, or shriek about. You are bigger than they are. Use your size to save them for joy, not sentence them to selfishness." First of all, the most basic, introductory info on cognitive development in infants will show that babies this small are not capable of that level of self-regulation. <b>What is most telling to me about this comment is that he doesn't say, "Use your maturity, wisdom and perspective as an adult to help them." He says, "Use your size." Instead of adults coming alongside their children to help, Piper implies that they are to bully and intimidate their babies.</b><br />
<br />
Piper's fourth point seems to be that public behavior is much more important than behavior at home, and that consistency is desirable so that we won't be embarrassed in public. If obedience is really a heart issue, though, then what is done in secret is just as important as what is done with an audience. So many parents fall into the trap of focusing on outward appearance, and especially of harshly punishing their children for not catering to the parents' pride.<br />
<br />
Point number five, that true discipline or teaching requires a lot of effort from the parents is absolutely true. I disagree with his characterization of children's motives, but he is right that parents need to teach their children even when they are tired or it is inconvenient. The problem I have here is that Piper again focuses on the outward action, with the example of a child getting out of bed repeatedly. This is "disobedience" and requires consistent punishment. Wouldn't it actually be more effective, though, to find out why the child is so resistant to going to bed? Is he scared? Is she not feeling well? Is his love-cup empty or leaking so that he needs extra time or cuddles with us? Is there a problem at school that has her anxious? <br />
<br />
Point six:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"One reason parents don’t require discipline is they have never seen it
done. They come from homes that had two modes: passivity and anger. They
know they don’t want to parent in anger. The only alternative they know
is passivity. There is good news: this can change. Parents can learn
from the Bible and from wise people what is possible, what is commanded,
what is wise, and how to do it in a spirit that is patient, firm,
loving, and grounded in the gospel."</blockquote>
<br />
I really like this one, perhaps more than anything else that Piper says in the entire article. So many parents <i>do</i> fall into the anger/passivity trap because they don't have better tools. I just wish that he had given them more effective ways to parent "in a spirit that is patient, firm, loving and grounded in the gospel." I heartily recommend <a href="http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/community" target="_blank">Gentle Christian Mothers</a>, <a href="http://www.littleheartsbooks.com/" target="_blank">Little Hearts Books</a>, <a href="http://www.positive-parents.org/" target="_blank">Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond</a> or <a href="http://www.ahaparenting.com/" target="_blank">Aha! Parenting</a> for practical tools that don't rely on punishment.<br />
<br />
Point seven: Piper claims that "the obedience which they have learned from fear and reward and respect will become the natural expression of faith." So, he wants parents to start teaching the kids through fear and reward before they are even capable of understanding obedience. (Wait a minute--reward? I thought he was against bribery? And I get the strong impression that respect in Piper's world is a one-way street.) I would suggest that if the children cannot understand it, it is not true obedience. It is just conditioning them. My children are not Pavlovian dogs. Piper also fails to provide any explanation of how fearing parents will cause them to love God. <b>My relationship with God is not based on fear that has become internalized to the point of habit. It is based on love and trust, and that is what I want for my children, too.</b><br />
<br />
Point 8: Piper's vision of children as brats who must be coerced into being convenient for adults is clear. Is it possible that seeing children as adversaries who must be defeated contributes to family conflict instead of solving it? The part about them being happier is just weird unless you read it through his final point, which implies the whole "happiness is the only acceptable emotion/punish them till they are sweet enough" ick that Ezzo and Tripp promote. <br />
<br />
Point 9: <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"Since parents represent God to children — especially before they can
know God through faith in the gospel — we show them both justice and
mercy. Not every disobedience is punished. Some are noted, reproved, and
passed over. There is no precise manual for this mixture. Children
should learn from our parenting that the God of the gospel is a
consuming fire (<a class="lbsBibleRef" data-reference="Hebrews 12.7" data-version="esv" href="http://biblia.com/bible/esv/Hebrews%2012.7" target="_blank">Hebrews 12:7</a>, <a class="lbsBibleRef" data-reference="Hebrews 12.29" data-version="esv" href="http://biblia.com/bible/esv/Hebrews%2012.29" target="_blank">29</a>) and that he is patient and slow to anger (<a class="lbsBibleRef" data-reference="1 Timothy 1.16" data-version="esv" href="http://biblia.com/bible/esv/1%20Timothy%201.16" target="_blank">1 Timothy 1:16</a>).
In both cases — discipline and patience — the aim is quick, happy,
thorough obedience. That’s what knowing God in Christ produces."</blockquote>
<br />
This one made my head spin a bit. I have seen some parents take this idea of representing God to children to the point of <a href="http://dulcefamily.blogspot.com/2012/01/10-commandments-for-parents-no-other.html" target="_blank">setting themselves up as idols</a>, but let's bypass that for the moment. "Not every disobedience is punished. Some are noted, reproved and passed over." Didn't Piper just essentially say over and over that inconsistency would cause our children to get shot by the police? Now we are supposed to pass over disobedience? Oookay. <br />
<br />
"The aim is quick, happy, thorough obedience." Not only are children supposed to unquestioningly obey our every whim, they must be happy about it! "Right away, all the way, with a smile," according to some parenting teachers. Except Jesus' parable of the Two Brothers contradicts this. The one who obeyed didn't do it quickly and happily. "That's what knowing God in Christ produces." But a couple of lines before, Piper says that this is "before they can know God through faith in the Gospel." So, we are to hold them to a standard that they cannot reach yet, and one that God Himself does not hold us to, but that isn't "the same as requiring perfection". <br />
<br />
I get the idea that Piper is trying to soften his extreme "your child will be shot and it will be your fault!" stance, but is finding it difficult to flesh out. That is common with a punitive mindset.<br />
<br />
Children do need boundaries. We do need to teach and disciple them like Jesus taught His disciples, even when we are tired or busy. Instead of passively ignoring misbehavior until we snap in anger, we must learn to parent in a spirit that is patient, firm,
loving, and grounded in the gospel. Piper is saying important truths here. But this does not mean bullying our children and forcing them to comply through fear. True discipleship comes when there is so much trust and love in the relationship that the disciple chooses to follow. </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-18844114814664377102013-10-11T10:54:00.001-07:002013-10-23T09:46:10.880-07:00The Lonely Little Pony<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
"Mami! Play ponies wif me!" I winced inwardly. This little girl is the delight of my eyes, but I hate playing. Confession time: one of the best things about having four kids is that they have built-in playmates. At the moment, however, her older siblings were all engrossed in a group video game, and I sensed that she really needed this. "OK."<br />
<br />
I reached into the pile of ponies and randomly chose one. "NO! Not dat one pony! Dat one pony's mine! Get anudder one pony!" I meekly reached for a different one. "NO! Not dat one eider! Use DIS one pony wif no tail." I accepted the mangy-looking pony, which had suffered from an unfortunate encounter with a pair of scissors and was also missing chunks of mane. <br />
<br />
"Look at my pony! She's fwying!" I held my balding pony up in the air to fly alongside hers. "NO! Dat pony can't fwy! She's too little. She has to stay on da gwound." Yeeeep, I could tell this was going to be a fun game.<br />
<br />
I trotted my pony around listlessly for a few minutes, resisting the urge to peek at my phone. "Fluttashy is leabing. Dey are all leabing in da van for icecweam. You stay heah. You aw too little." The phone won out for a split second, but apparently I was more crucial to the scene than I thought. Before the Facebook app had opened, she shrieked again. "Mami! Play ponies!"<br />
<br />
Each attempt to engage was ruthlessly squashed. "No! You can't do dat! Her wings don't work! Stop, mami! Your pony is too little! She doesn't know how to do dat! No! She can't come. Stay heah by yoursewf." A nice little lecture on reciprocity in play was on the tip of my tongue, when it hit me. The theme to the whole game was powerlessness and loneliness. Suddenly, I found myself much more invested in this game.<br />
<br />
I began to give her words. "I feel lonely when I am left behind." "Yes! Your pony feels sad, Mami." "I want to do things, too! Even though I am small, I can do a lot." "Yeah, mami! Be her!" I was clearly on the right track. We spent the next hour playing empowering themes. I let her ponies take the lead, admired her skills and resourcefulness, and gave words to my own little pony. By the end of the hour, we were both having fun, and I had heard something incredibly important from this little baby girl of mine.<br />
<br />
If you had asked me how often she hears that she is too little or that she can't do something, I would have told you that it was extremely rare (and she has never been left behind or excluded from icecream!). In fact, my concern would have been closer to the spoiling end of things--her brother and sisters dote on her, and even the nine year old will stop and play ponies or anything else with her. She is the apple of our eye.<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyFMpJUVXxLAP-_fXenBv1AZKDk88e0PxhDW6vO4UgTO7yxmpH1Zr7lOrIji4lbjEpHgdPFf6RlMsxmUMXrMSABxGcEsY6zdT2K5SM5PEc9PK267AqFdeqegX1XQ5kCcglz9A348SA915e/s1600/157a.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyFMpJUVXxLAP-_fXenBv1AZKDk88e0PxhDW6vO4UgTO7yxmpH1Zr7lOrIji4lbjEpHgdPFf6RlMsxmUMXrMSABxGcEsY6zdT2K5SM5PEc9PK267AqFdeqegX1XQ5kCcglz9A348SA915e/s320/157a.jpg" width="260" /></a></div>
Although my girls have never been discouraged from playing princess themes (the eldest actually wore elaborate princess gowns every single day for over a year around age four), and we regularly tell them that they are lovely, we deliberately tell them just as often that they are strong, smart, kind, capable and brave. <br />
<br />
The thing is, though, that all of us have times when it is easy to focus on our lack of capabilities, and sometimes we struggle to find the words. When you are three years old, no matter how beloved you are, you get slapped in the face daily with all the things that you cannot do: you are too small to reach what you want, your videogame skills are not as developed as your siblings', you can't read things for yourself, you have to rely on others all the time. <br />
<br />
If I hadn't sat down to play, I would totally have missed how powerless and lonely she felt.<br />
<br />
I also discovered that when I can focus on a purpose in play, I have fun with it. At one point, she played mami and I played the baby. <b>With every moment of listening and allowing her the fantasy of omnipotence, she found the power and connection she needed</b>. Looking back over the last couple of days, I recalled the increase in irritability she had been showing, and I am sure that those unmet needs would have spilled out one way or another. I am so glad that this time they took the form of a lonely pony with a bad haircut, and that I took the time to play and listen. </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-56288160111744249702013-09-27T09:19:00.002-07:002013-09-27T09:19:52.843-07:00Let Me Hold Them For You<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/wwworks/440672445/" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="Atlas, it's time for your bath by woodleywonderworks, on Flickr"><img alt="Atlas, it's time for your bath" height="500" src="http://farm1.staticflickr.com/197/440672445_69ed634b34.jpg" width="333" /></a><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
My warrior princess had been going through a period where the warrior
was very much in evidence. Her rages were a terrible thing to behold.
She would yell, stomp, knock things down and throw things. If someone
was too close, it was certainly within the realm of possibility that she
would hit or kick.<br />
<br />
And I was mad. Mad at this tiny little girl whose feelings were so,
so much bigger than she was. Mad because she was adding a burden that I
didn’t want to bear. I resented interrupting other activities whenever
she got upset to help her calm down and make sure that she didn’t hurt
someone or something. Each outburst added a few more pounds to my load
of mommy guilt as I fought to hold on to patience, peace and self
control, and often dropped the ball.<br />
<br />
Could we have punished or ignored it out of her? I asked myself that
several times. Honesty compelled me to admit, though, that all
punishment would have accomplished is to turn that fearsome rage inward,
and the thought of that seething inside of her was far worse than
dealing with the outward expressions.<br />
<br />
“Use your words.” Except words don’t matter to this one they way
they do to her older sister and me. This mighty girl has always been a
tornado. Walking earlier than any of her siblings, always jumping,
always running, perpetual motion, breath-taking hugs, bouncing from
delight, shuddering under sadness–her language has always been more
physical than verbal.<br />
“I don’t love you. And (her voice caught here) I don’t love God.”
Oooow. Words aren’t the release for her that they are to me, but she
knew how to use them to kick my mama gut."<br />
<br />
What do you do when the weight of big emotions is too strong for your little one, and you are cracking under the load of mommy guilt?<br />
<br />
What if "use your words" doesn't work for your child whose language is much more physical than verbal?<br />
<br />
What does it look like to bear one anothers' burdens?<br />
<br />
I am over at <a href="http://deeperstory.com/let-me-hold-them-for-you/" target="_blank">A Deeper Story</a> today sharing how my mighty girl and I are learning together. Come join us! <br />
<br />
Image credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/wwworks/440672445/sizes/l/in/photolist-EWyyM-7GPDfq-7ngTNc-aetR4N-8vmqeE-bZfF5d-PsjgJ/" target="_blank">woodleywonderworks</a></div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-69521077622692169072013-09-25T06:20:00.000-07:002013-09-25T08:15:19.273-07:00Watch and Pray *Sensitive*<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Her eyes are blank and there is a pool of blood spreading around her face on the floor. I wake up wanting to vomit and check her Facebook page repeatedly until I see a post. The relief is incomplete because she and I both know that one day it might not be a dream. Her children's faces--so close in ages to mine--rise in my heart, and I pray.<br />
<br />
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<br />
Something in her voice was off. "Well, it couldn't really be rape. After all, they were married. She knew when she married him that sex was part of it." It seemed like we were discussing a newspaper case at the time. But years later I can still remember the oddness in her voice and I wonder.<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
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<br />
It's the kids, you see. She can protect them just a bit right now, deflect his rages, and watch that he doesn't go too far with them. If she left, who would be there to get between them?<br />
<br />
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<br />
"God hates divorce." Heaviness and resignation in her voice, she asks what the church congregation would think if the pastor's wife left. "It would be like a slap in the face to God. I just need to be more submissive and try harder. If I can just praise and affirm him more, and show him that I respect him...men need that, you know..."<br />
<br />
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<br />
Everyone else at the table shifts uncomfortably at his "joke" that is yet another jab at her. She doesn't seem to notice and gets up to refill his drink again.<br />
<br />
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<br />
Enthusiasm dies down to quiet disappointment. "Oh, I would love to! But I better not. He wouldn't like it." In her world, it is clear that activities--everything--must be planned around whether or not he likes it, even if it doesn't affect him in any way. It's second nature to her to try to placate him, but even after all these years she doesn't seem to see that it is a constantly moving target. He will always, always find something else to be upset about, another way to control her. Her life revolves around trying to make him happy. <br />
<br />
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<br />
I take a deep breath and quietly say, "This is abuse. The way he treats you isn't right." For a moment, her eyes flash with fear, anger, surprise, relief, uncertainty and thankfulness. I'm not sure which will win out. Then she smiles and brushes it off. "You're exaggerating. It isn't abuse. He would never hit me. He just...well, I think sometimes he didn't get enough nurturing as a kid and is still hurting."<br />
<br />
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<br />
He controls the money. <i>He controls everything. </i> She scrapes to find ways to stretch what he gives her to pay for the doctors visits and new shoes for the kids. She puts off the doctor or dentist visit for <i>herself</i> again, forgoes the new shoes that <i>she</i> needs. <i>He</i> goes out to eat and gets a new computer. "Well, but the money is really his, you know. He is the one who works. I'm just home with the kids." <i>(She works more in a day than he does in a week, but he is still "too tired" to help with the kids when he gets home. He "needs to unwind", even though she hasn't had a break in weeks. So he spends another night playing videogames.)</i><br />
<br />
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<br />
They tried counseling. Well, she tried and he went along. It didn't help. The church counselor told her to affirm him more and build him up more. Praise him a lot. He said all the right things. Showed enough regret for his mistakes (although he was always a little vague on the details). She really was a bit messed up from her family issues, you know (<i>whispered confidentially</i>.) Eventually, they stop going. The cycle hasn't really changed, but he has some new words to use against her now. He even tries to convince her that <i>she</i> is the abusive one, especially if she has ever fought back.<br />
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<br />
Once your eyes are opened, it is hard to unsee things. I watch her pain, helpless and desperate for her to wake up <i>(but if she did, how much better would that be? Sure, it is easy for me to yell, "Leave him!" For her to do that, especially with children involved, is no small feat.)</i> I do my best to be a safe friend and pray desperately for angels to protect her. Wincing at the telling comments she doesn't even notice about how she is trying to avoid upsetting him, I try to balance truth and love with the fear of driving her away. I watch and pray.<br />
<br />
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I really think there is an abusers' handbook somewhere, because I have known so many women in abusive relationships, and most of these could apply to every one of them (if you know me in real life and are trying to guess who these stories are about, don't. Just know that they could be any woman). If you see yourself in here, please know that you matter. You are not crazy, you are not blowing it out of proportion, it is not your fault. Read <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656" target="_blank">Why Does He Do That: Inside the Mind of Angry and Controlling Men</a> by <a href="http://www.lundybancroft.com/?page_id=147" target="_blank">Lundy Bancroft</a>. Read my friend <a href="http://hopewearsheels.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">Hope's blog</a> about leaving her abusive husband and finding healing. <a href="http://www.thehotline.org/" target="_blank">Talk to a domestic violence counselor</a>. Freedom and healing really are possible. <br />
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Related posts: <a href="http://dulcefamily.blogspot.com/2012/07/sex-ed-in-christian-home-abuse.html" target="_blank">Sex Ed in a Christian Home: Abusive Relationships </a><br />
<a href="http://dulcefamily.blogspot.com/2012/01/letter-to-my-divorced-friends.html" target="_blank">A Letter to My Divorced Friends</a><br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-42456215984994579912013-09-03T17:59:00.002-07:002013-12-31T09:07:23.108-08:00You Are Not a Failure<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
This isn't what I thought it would look like. When I imagined my life with children before actually <i>having</i> kids, I expected it to look more polished and less challenging. I thought it would be easier. Not the physical stuff--I was fine with lack of sleep and changing diapers and dealing with tummy bugs and all that. But this emotional work of being a parent? It's <i>hard</i>, y'all. As Shrek would say, there are<i> so many</i> layers. And we are definitely talking onions instead of parfaits. <br />
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This has been a challenging last few months, and I am so, so glad that it didn't happen earlier in our parenting journey. When we first made the transition to gentle parenting, I was still looking for guarantees. You know--if you breastfeed, your kids won't have allergies or get sick. If you parent gently, your kids will always be gentle and compassionate and well-behaved because they will always want to follow your instructions. If you do this, if you do that, if you check all the Good Parenting boxes, if you follow this manual... I never would have said that, of course. I would have told you that just because certain outcomes are more likely doesn't mean that it will happen in every case. Deep down, though, the residue of growing up a Gothardite means that it is my default programming to believe that <b>if I just try harder and do it right, then everything will be perfect</b>.<br />
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Of course, that means that when it doesn't turn out that way, I start to panic. It is all my fault! If only I had done this. Maybe I was wrong about that. I should have tried harder and been more consistent and...<br />
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<b>Those thoughts are tricky little zombies. Reeking death and decay, and ready to suck out our brains. No matter how many times I try to kill them, they seem to rise again. </b></h2>
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Honestly, I haven't yet figured out how to keep them from coming back. The best I can do is resist the deadly lies. Because the truth is, I don't think I can try harder right now, and I am starting to believe--really believe--that I am not supposed to. I am not a failure. <b><i>Neither are you. </i></b><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-size: small;">As</span></span> messy as this life looks some days, there is still beauty in it. There is love. There is growth. It gets better. You aren't meant to do it all. You wouldn't put a crushing weight on your children and tell them not to ask for help--show them what it looks like to allow others the blessing of helping your family. Most of all, know that these days come to everyone in real life. You can listen to the zombies, or show your children how to fight the lying, shaming soul suckers.</div>
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<b>You are lovely. You are. Your children have God's fingerprints all over them, even if you have to look hard to see them. Breathe and let grace wash over you and refresh your spirit. </b></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-54975478950019147912013-08-27T13:41:00.002-07:002013-08-27T13:41:43.795-07:00Because I'm the Grown Up, That's Why!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Today has been full of whining. Me, not so much the kids. Some days it sucks to be the grown up. I'd much rather indulge in selfishness. But what is discipline, really? It isn't punishment. Discipline in an adult should look like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness, self-control, humility and grace. What is the point of trying to discipline our children (NOT punish them--I am talking about helping them grow as disciples of Christ) if we haven't learned to discipline ourselves yet? That isn't exactly a rhetorical question, because for me, at least, it is an ongoing process that I have not yet fully achieved. My answer is that there has to be grace for all of us, and reliance on the Holy Spirit to help us. And while being a grown up isn't always beautiful, <i>growth </i>truly is a beautiful thing.<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-70709733386559363102013-08-24T08:50:00.000-07:002013-08-24T10:28:20.435-07:00Pierced and Proud--My Little Girl Got Earrings<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Of all of our parenting choices that have been outside the mainstream, the one that has actually gotten the most comments was our refusal to pierce our daughters' ears when they were born. This shocked some dear little abuelitas (not our kids' abuelitas, though) to their core. (Of course, neither did we shave their heads when they were infants so that their hair would grow in thicker, either. :shrug). For us, this was easy compared to so many decisions that we researched and weighed--as new parents, the last thing we wanted was to deal with an unnecessary wound on a tiny baby! Even more importantly, <i>they weren't our bodies to modify</i>. <br />
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One of our greatest responsibilities as parents is to teach our children that their bodies belong to them. No one else is allowed to do things to their bodies without permission. Sure, there may be medical emergencies that override that, but seriously, getting ear jewelry isn't one. We do all that we can to keep our children safe, but we know that there are predators out there. Children who are confident in telling others, even adults in positions of authority, not to touch their bodies are less likely to become prey, and more likely to tell us if it should happen. And as they grow older, sometimes the lines get a little blurry. We live in a rape culture where it is assumed that guys are supposed to pressure girls, and girls will eventually give in. I want their body boundaries to be such a part of them that they will never feel uncertain of their right to control what happens to their bodies.<br />
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Since my ears are pierced (and I am very thankful that my parents also bucked tradition and let me choose for myself), my kidlets have watched me wear different earrings and asked questions about it. We talked about different options, including waiting to get her ears pierced as a <a href="http://dulcefamily.blogspot.com/2011/10/sex-ed-in-christian-home-menarche.html" target="_blank">celebration of menarche</a>, but this summer my nine year old decided that she wanted to go ahead. She kept asking how much it would hurt (she is very sensitive to needles), and was clearly nervous. However, she was also adamant that she wanted to do it. I was honest that it would hurt some, but also that if this was what she wanted that I believed she was strong enough to go through it whenever she decided she was ready.<br />
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Mine were done with a gun at the mall, but after researching I decided to use a professional piercer for my kids. There are many reasons, but think of the difference between a hole from a hole punch versus the ragged edges from pushing a sharp pencil through a piece of paper and how that could effect healing, for starters. I asked for recommendations, and my midwife shared the place where her daughters got their ears pierce, and several other friends recommended the same place.<br />
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Like any professional tattoo/piercing parlor, the decor was geared more for adults (my kidlets were simultaneously fascinated and horrified by the Native American sculptures of warriors who had been pierced through the chest and were hanging from a tether). We didn't look closely at the tattoo designs or magazines. (Also, like most other piercing places I have researched, they only pierce lobes on children, and we were required to bring her birth certificate and photo ID).<br />
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The guy who was going to pierce her came out. He was probably 6'4 and around 260 lbs. His head was shaved and covered in ink, and the rest of him that was visible was likewise covered with piercings, gauges and tats (he awed my kids by passing a pencil easily through the gauge in his septum). He was also the nicest and most professional guy we could have asked for.<br />
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He spoke directly to her and then to me, describing exactly what would be done, how and why. He asked her questions to make sure that she understood and that this was what she wanted, answered honestly when she asked if it would hurt, and did everything possible to help her feel relaxed and comfortable.<br />
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The only awkward moment came as a result of her little sister having a meltdown shortly after we went back. In hindsight, it was totally a mommy fail to bring her--I knew she was exhausted and not feeling great, but my eldest didn't want to wait and the little sis thought she would be able to behave well. She started fussing loudly and then tried to hit me when I picked her up. Our piercer said that when he was a boy he would have been spanked hard for that. My eldest looked at him with such compassion and said, "That is horrible! No one should ever hurt you like that!" He responded that it taught him a lesson. She shook her head sadly and told him that if anyone ever spanked her that she would have just decided in her heart that she didn't want to do what they said and would have fought them in every way she could. She said it was so much better when parents could actually help their kids instead of scaring them. I am sure that the behavior of the little one provoked doubts about the effectiveness of gentle discipline, but he was also very impressed with the our eldest, and was very polite in responding to her. :)<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYe-ygweW_oCUu0qECLyObIfwWIQaSHRE_X4xjVzkmmStF3m7TBICAdttz_CjRdKSJsLw8pQLRS2FQ_KgLkrYBdX8eURc-nqWGc8HJQVWFxifpZ4SPv2Yx9kFuK9AcYOIB1dVqPbQcK1cI/s1600/018.JPG" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYe-ygweW_oCUu0qECLyObIfwWIQaSHRE_X4xjVzkmmStF3m7TBICAdttz_CjRdKSJsLw8pQLRS2FQ_KgLkrYBdX8eURc-nqWGc8HJQVWFxifpZ4SPv2Yx9kFuK9AcYOIB1dVqPbQcK1cI/s1600/018.JPG" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYe-ygweW_oCUu0qECLyObIfwWIQaSHRE_X4xjVzkmmStF3m7TBICAdttz_CjRdKSJsLw8pQLRS2FQ_KgLkrYBdX8eURc-nqWGc8HJQVWFxifpZ4SPv2Yx9kFuK9AcYOIB1dVqPbQcK1cI/s320/018.JPG" width="240" /></a><br />
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He had her count with him as he pierced the first ear, and the needle was through and out before she could even blink. He asked if she needed a moment before doing the other ear. She said yes with perfect calm, took a deep breath and smiled and told him to go ahead. He did the other just as easily, and she beamed at her reflection. "It didn't even hurt hardly at all!"<br />
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She has been so pleased with her new pierced ears, and has taken excellent care of them without hardly any reminder from me (another bonus of letting them choose when they are older!). More than just being happy with the way they look, she is so proud of herself for her bravery and her growing maturity. I look at her eyes sparkling even more than the earrings, and am so pleased that we let her make the choice for herself. </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-3105637646470544452013-08-23T09:21:00.002-07:002013-08-23T09:21:24.306-07:00Missing Sunday Dinner<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/keokiseu/4471785331/" title="Sunday dinner by Keoki Seu, on Flickr"><img alt="Sunday dinner" height="427" src="http://farm5.staticflickr.com/4019/4471785331_d5d90eb1e6.jpg" width="640" /></a><br />
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There are so many important conversations going on right now about including others at the table. My family in Christ is challenging the pharisaical, dismissive attitudes toward women, the poor, our LGBT brothers and sisters, and all who are denigrated and ignored. The Church talks a lot about loving children, and shows it with prizes and programs and playgrounds. The thing is, I see the harsh attitude toward children that labels them as selfish, lazy manipulative sinners, and I have to cry out. We are missing Sunday dinner with our church family because the food at the kids' table makes my family sick.<br />
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The post is over at <a href="http://deeperstory.com/missing-sunday-dinner-3/" target="_blank">A Deeper Family</a>. <br />
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Image Credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/keokiseu/4471785331/in/photolist-7Pa4Z6-2c1M5y-8jx7am-7DKxGB-82hzRJ-54DTLC-9XsJYc-4ovgyK-ayLRqn-acV8oz-aoHj9q-5Fp2kb-5Fp2Um-5FjHFV-5FjJoV-5aUPA5-9PG53Y-5LBfbq-eeiczj-9zMyvE-9mxtpS-cA6BV-aJpgWH-4tzdpx-JtjaU-683R1T-cW5ST-8AEiaG-6EB3Xg-8jx7ju-376HH7-6Hg3th-8PomtN-5iGoir-au7GWe-9gg6Ye-9gg6Hz-9gjbBd-9gjbRm-8wEno1-7mEv3H-7J2HoE-5e6DQn-4s6xmT-5r4eYQ-e28j8p-3yyKk3-FALzm-aoEARF-buFpG8-aoEA9z/" target="_blank">Keoki Seu on Flickr </a></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-28547142085767829252013-08-18T09:18:00.000-07:002013-08-18T09:18:01.909-07:00Punishment VS Discipline<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-69881697875779740712013-08-06T18:58:00.001-07:002013-08-06T18:58:04.063-07:00Trying Church...Again<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Disclaimer: this is going to be one of those long, messy, rambly, processing-out-loud, blahgy posts.<br />
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I went to church again today. Growing up, one mild area of friction between my parents was about how many times a week we should participate in a church service. My dad was content with a Sunday morning service, and my mom wanted Sunday morning, Sunday nights and Wednesday nights, and possibly a prayer meeting in there somewhere. I sided firmly with my dad. <br />
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I also suffered the burnout that comes from many years of being part of a tiny church where your parents are pastors. Every Sunday meant work, not rest. Cleaning the church, preparing communion, teaching Sunday school, helping in the worship service, interpreting, working in the nursery--there were always several jobs that needed to be done, and even those that I started out feeling excited about eventually became a chore. As an extreme introvert, the idea of making small talk after the service and greeting everyone was excruciating. I eventually reached the point that unless God writes something in burning letters on a wall, I will NOT volunteer or accept any special responsibility for many years.<br />
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Before our children were born, we seemed to have found the perfect fit for us in a church. I loved the worship time, loved the pastor and his family and always came away from the services refreshed and looking for God in a new way. Then. Then we had kids and God changed some things in me. Then the pastor preached on spanking and how if we love God and our children, then we will hit them. And I couldn't let that go, and <a href="http://dulcefamily.blogspot.com/2009/04/letter-on-christians-and-spanking.html" target="_blank">my husband and I wrote a letter</a>, which eventually resulted in this blog. At first, I just figured we could agree to disagree, but the convictions in my heart about how we treat the smallest of these grew until <a href="http://dulcefamily.blogspot.com/2011/10/confessions-of-spanking-abolitionist.html" target="_blank">I couldn't sit under a pastor who preaches that we have to spank any longer.</a><br />
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When you have four very young children and are committed not to leaving them to cry <i>in</i> church with people that you probably don't know well enough to let them babysit <i>outside</i> of church, going seems like an exercise in futility. I spent most of my time walking the kidlets in the halls or hanging out in a nursery with germy toys and crying little ones. I never came away feeling spiritually fed, that is for sure. <br />
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So we just stopped going.<br />
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Every now and then we would try different ones, but they all preached about spanking on the very day we decided to visit, which is almost funny--really, it seemed like a bizarre coincidence, but it saved us time. <a href="http://dulcefamily.blogspot.com/2012/06/suffer-little-children-why-we-dont-have.html" target="_blank">After the last fiasco</a>, I couldn't even work up the desire to try anymore. <br />
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It felt so awkward answering questions about where we go to church. I felt like our kids were missing out on something important, and I missed it for myself. Although, when we visited any church, I was always tense, waiting for the ick to start. I also found my emotions going haywire with all kinds of little things, and it was generally exhausting and stressful.<br />
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But this morning, I worked up the courage to try again. After reading <a href="http://www.umc.org/site/apps/nlnet/content2.aspx?c=lwL4KnN1LtH&b=4951419&ct=6480593" target="_blank">the encouraging statement </a>from the United Methodist Church regarding corporal punishment, I decided to go there. Their only service is at 9:00 AM, which is a little earlier than I am used to, but my nine year old and I managed to go, and my husband graciously took over the younger ones so that I could enjoy the service in peace.<br />
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The congregation was really friendly. I liked it that there was a pretty wide variety of dress--from casual pants and T shirts to fancy dresses and heels. It felt like people dressed for themselves and not everyone else. I did NOT like it that there was not a variety of ethnicity. There were over 100 people present, and I saw one man who appeared as though he might be Hispanic or Native American and one boy who was African American. Once during the sermon, the pastor referenced race in order to pointedly identify a criminal as African American, although that was completely irrelevant to the story. (Every time I am seriously tempted to include profanity in a post, it is about a church, but seriously, for the pastor to do that detracted from any positive in his message. And probably explains the lack of diversity more than it doesn't.)<br />
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The music, well, bless their hearts. Probably the least said about that the better. They did sing "Jesus Loves Me" for one of the hymns, including a second verse that I don't remember hearing before. The message was better than some I have heard where the pastor clearly wasn't prepared and just got up and rambled for awhile and then relied on the worship team to pull him out of it whenever he got stuck, but it didn't make me think or feel anything (other than to critique that one aforementioned reference), and he read it in a droning rocking horse rhythm that rose and fell regardless of the content, which made it hard not to tune out.<br />
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On the plus side, I LOVED the responsive readings, the creed and prayers, and the communion service. Also, there was a feeling of family and affection among all the members there--I got the strong impression that these people do life together, not just church. When we arrived, they had boxes of children's activity kits stacked to hand out to any families with kidlets, and there was a constant whispering and wriggling from all the children present. Not in a distracting way, but just in a normal, real-life way. My nine year old loved the children's church and has asked a dozen times to go back. That is a first, and is very important to me.<br />
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I don't particularly want to go back, although I might for my daughter. I just hate that the idea of meeting with my brothers and sisters in Christ comes with such a deep heaviness and feeling of discouragement.<br />
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Where, oh where, is my group of people who love Jesus and actually want to treat <b>all</b> people the way they would like to be treated? <br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-29858583684422490572013-07-31T15:56:00.001-07:002013-07-31T15:57:15.925-07:00The Bad Days<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Most of the time I feel like someone who doesn't quite know how to juggle but is performing in a circus juggling act every day anyway (Did I just call myself a clown? :shudder I am NOT that scary! Clowns are evil. :shiver). Four kidlets means that at any given moment at least a couple of them are in disequilibrium, and there are always a myriad of other things--teething (it doesn't stop at toddlerhood, folks! Molars <b><i>hurt,</i></b> and they come in around 6 and 12), an ear infection, a tummy bug, developmental jumps, friend issues, anxiety, fill in the blanks and take your pick. It is a struggle to meet all the needs when resources (energy, time, money for starters) don't always seem to stretch.<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/ultimateslug/515083144/" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" title="A Juggler that juggles by Don Fulano, on Flickr"><img alt="A Juggler that juggles" height="400" src="http://farm1.staticflickr.com/220/515083144_49613947d5.jpg" width="265" /></a></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">I won't even tell you about all the creepy pics I looked though to find one that wasn't a clown.</span></td></tr>
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Early on, I kept hoping that our parenting choices would mean that everything was easy. Our kids <i>trust us</i>, you know. They <i>want</i> to please us because our relationship is good. They are learning <i>internal</i> motivation and discipline. <br />
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And it is true. But. BUT.<br />
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There is no easy button. Our kids do trust us and want to please us and they are developing internal motivation and all those other things that we desperately (but sometimes a little smugly) repeat to ourselves early in the whole gentle discipline journey. That makes it easiER, but not easy.<br />
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We have had some really rough days lately. I have found myself more than once turning to my husband in exasperation and saying, "They should have outgrown that by now!" I hear the doubts that maybe, just maybe, it would be worth it to trade relationship for compliance, just a bit. I can say all the things about this being different from permissiveness and I believe them, but the truth is that I feel tired sometimes and permissiveness doesn't seem all that bad, until I really, really need compliance and where is the line exactly, anyway?<br />
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Gentle discipline isn't a pre-cut pattern. Applying it to real life is hard, and I am often afraid that I have made it the wrong size. All of our kids are strong-willed, but two are particularly intense (I suspect borderline special needs) and just as one seems to be making progress and I think I can catch my breath, all heck breaks loose with the other one. <br />
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So I am reminding myself today that even on the bad days, I am not doing this because of a guarantee. I am doing this because it is what God has called me to do. It is about being the kind of person that I am meant to be, not just who my children are meant to be. Even though it is still hard, I <i>do</i> <a href="http://dulcefamily.blogspot.com/2011/06/7-year-harvest.html" target="_blank">see the fruit</a>. It isn't all perfectly ripe yet (they are still kids, and I am only nine years old as a mom), but it is growing. And while I was typing, <b>the one who has been having the roughest time came over to me to snuggle and smooch my cheek and say how much she loves me.</b> I look at the trust in her eyes and imagine how much more difficult the last couple of days would be if that were broken, if she knew I would just bully her into compliance.<br />
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Gentle discipline doesn't mean there won't be bad days. It just gives me better tools and a stronger foundation to work through them.<br />
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/ultimateslug/515083144/in/photolist-MvWgS-61U452-cmFqu7-a82K8B-a82K78-7wx9jr-7wAXFf-9pGgMz-cbmKi-cRbs7G-dmqLck-dmqLFV-bEwhbW-2FXmB3-2syxu-2syaE-cm9X81-5yJUVw-bwNhN5-bwNhCJ-bKGZLZ-bwNhVu-bwNheJ-bKGZEi-bwNi3m-77ByuK-5wEew8-92m4v-9qRFNj-7wx9m6-7UvHVa-7UyYjE-7UvJhc-8wJao9-cyCk11-cyCjnJ-cyCkdd-ckpccf-bWnsRr-8aMBGZ-8V5W5A-38gMUk-dmqLAF-dmqLmn-dmqLvk-dmqLLP-dmqNAE-dmqNLw-dmqLqc-2jjNsr-paVG9/" target="_blank">Image credit: Mike Fernwood/Don Fulano on Flickr</a></div>
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