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| Image credit masochismtango on Flickr |
All of the recent news about the Duggar's newest baby has spawned a number of online arguments. One of the most frequent comments was about how cheerful their family is, especially the children. How Michelle is a great mom who doesn't yell. It must be working for them, because the kids are well behaved and look happy. Sounds reasonable, right?
I might believe it, if I didn't know what I know of Gothard/ATI and the Pearls. The Duggars are deeply enmeshed in ATI, and ATI takes allegiance very seriously. It isn't a vague Statement of Beliefs that you sign so your kids can take the courses. It is several pages of in depth info that covers what kind of music you can listen to (no Christian rock), the kind of TV you watch (mainly Christian DVDs), the way you dress (those jumpers are about modesty), the kind of punishments the parents use (spankings), and more. It isn't just a curriculum--it is a lifestyle that delves into family finances, child planning and every other detail.
There has long been a lot of speculation about whether the Duggars use the controversial punishment methods taught by Michael and Debi Pearl in To Train Up a Child. Things like the blanket training, certain phrases that are used, and the general popularity within that subculture have fueled that, as well as many people who claim that it was recommended previously on the website. I can't prove that they follow TTUAC, but as of yesterday, the Duggar's website included it in their Amazon links along with a glowing recommendation. Considering that some of the other recommendations list personal details about how the materials were used by the family, I cannot believe that it was randomly included on their site without their approval.
One of the creepiest things about Gothard and the Pearls is that they teach that happy is the only acceptable emotion. If you do not have a joyful countenance, you are publicly shaming your authorities. In other words, if the kid looks unhappy, it is a personal offense against the parents. Pearl also has nauseating quotes and anecdotes about how any time his kids expressed unhappiness or anger they were hit even harder and longer until they were cheerful. How twisted is that? Children are taught from babyhood to always be cheerful, or else they deserve a spanking. As they grow older, it is not just the fear of a spanking that causes them to keep smiling. It is the sincere belief that they are sinning with ingratitude, rebellion and more if they don't present a happy face.
You know the whole fake it till you make it idea? It is pretty effective. I am sure that there are plenty of times where the kids are genuinely happy. There are many good things in their lives, and I do believe that the kids are loved. I am not saying that it is all a sham. I *do* strongly suspect that the habit of "joyfulness" is so deeply ingrained that denying "ungodly emotions" such as anger (which comes from not yielding your rights in Gothardspeak) and unhappiness (which is a sinful lack of gratitude) is automatic by now.
For many people who follow Gothard and the Pearls, appearance is everything. As long as you appear happy, then you must be. There is also strong pressure to be asalesperson witness. Your countenance is your sales pitch testimony, and if you present an ugly picture to the world, it is a public shaming of your parents and ultimately your God. Are you going to be the cause of people in the world turning from Christ? I have heard women who are part of this mindset justify staying in abusive relationships because "it would look so bad for a Christian to divorce". Because, you know, God would rather you live a damaging lie and deceive others than expose the truth that even families who claim Him are not perfect. (Shhhh. He won't know that your marriage is really broken as long as you don't sign divorce papers!) Sorry. I get sarcastic when I am frustrated. Please check out Families Where Grace is In Place or Grace Based Living to read more about getting free from curse-filled relationships.
And, lest we forget, there is plenty of editing that goes into a TV show.
So when I hear someone say, "But they look so happy!" I can't help but think, "Of course they do. They know that happy is the only acceptable emotion in their world. But is it really happiness when you aren't allowed to express anything else?"
I haven't written too much about growing up under Gothard. Just that general post, a post when I first found Razing Ruth, and a bit about our courtship. But I grew up in this kind of teaching. If you are interested in more of what life is really like for someone growing up under Gothard and the Pearls, there is a wealth of information and stories at:
No Longer Qivering
Commandments of Men
Darcy's Heart-Stirrings
Enigma
Love, Joy, Feminism
Permission to Live
Razing Ruth
Recovering Grace
The Eighth and Final Square
Why Not Train a Child?
A Quiver Full of Information
I might believe it, if I didn't know what I know of Gothard/ATI and the Pearls. The Duggars are deeply enmeshed in ATI, and ATI takes allegiance very seriously. It isn't a vague Statement of Beliefs that you sign so your kids can take the courses. It is several pages of in depth info that covers what kind of music you can listen to (no Christian rock), the kind of TV you watch (mainly Christian DVDs), the way you dress (those jumpers are about modesty), the kind of punishments the parents use (spankings), and more. It isn't just a curriculum--it is a lifestyle that delves into family finances, child planning and every other detail.
There has long been a lot of speculation about whether the Duggars use the controversial punishment methods taught by Michael and Debi Pearl in To Train Up a Child. Things like the blanket training, certain phrases that are used, and the general popularity within that subculture have fueled that, as well as many people who claim that it was recommended previously on the website. I can't prove that they follow TTUAC, but as of yesterday, the Duggar's website included it in their Amazon links along with a glowing recommendation. Considering that some of the other recommendations list personal details about how the materials were used by the family, I cannot believe that it was randomly included on their site without their approval.
One of the creepiest things about Gothard and the Pearls is that they teach that happy is the only acceptable emotion. If you do not have a joyful countenance, you are publicly shaming your authorities. In other words, if the kid looks unhappy, it is a personal offense against the parents. Pearl also has nauseating quotes and anecdotes about how any time his kids expressed unhappiness or anger they were hit even harder and longer until they were cheerful. How twisted is that? Children are taught from babyhood to always be cheerful, or else they deserve a spanking. As they grow older, it is not just the fear of a spanking that causes them to keep smiling. It is the sincere belief that they are sinning with ingratitude, rebellion and more if they don't present a happy face.
You know the whole fake it till you make it idea? It is pretty effective. I am sure that there are plenty of times where the kids are genuinely happy. There are many good things in their lives, and I do believe that the kids are loved. I am not saying that it is all a sham. I *do* strongly suspect that the habit of "joyfulness" is so deeply ingrained that denying "ungodly emotions" such as anger (which comes from not yielding your rights in Gothardspeak) and unhappiness (which is a sinful lack of gratitude) is automatic by now.
For many people who follow Gothard and the Pearls, appearance is everything. As long as you appear happy, then you must be. There is also strong pressure to be a
And, lest we forget, there is plenty of editing that goes into a TV show.
So when I hear someone say, "But they look so happy!" I can't help but think, "Of course they do. They know that happy is the only acceptable emotion in their world. But is it really happiness when you aren't allowed to express anything else?"
I haven't written too much about growing up under Gothard. Just that general post, a post when I first found Razing Ruth, and a bit about our courtship. But I grew up in this kind of teaching. If you are interested in more of what life is really like for someone growing up under Gothard and the Pearls, there is a wealth of information and stories at:
No Longer Qivering
Commandments of Men
Darcy's Heart-Stirrings
Enigma
Love, Joy, Feminism
Permission to Live
Razing Ruth
Recovering Grace
The Eighth and Final Square
Why Not Train a Child?
A Quiver Full of Information
17 comments:
Fascinating.
I know there is a strong tendency to tell children not to cry and I don't know how many times at big family dinners I've heard people tell children "crying isn't aloud here."
I am very committed to an emotionally safe home -- one at which it is safe to have emotions, to experience them, to process them, etc.
I don't think people would be so anxious about children crying if they'd been allowed to properly cry when they needed to as children. Just a theory.
xox
Betsy
Very interesting. I had not heard of that belief system and my eyes have now been opened to a whole different side of family life that's out there. Thanks for sharing, I love your blog as always. :)
When my mother would spank us, she would order us to "cry quietly." Screaming or outright crying meant more spanking, only whimpering was acceptable. I'd never connected that to what you discuss here, but I would guess there is a connection.
I remember my pastors wife telling me she thought they were creepy. Now I know why.
We were supposed to cry quietly as well. Any loud crying or screaming would get us more whacks. Oddly enough we HAD to cry, otherwise they would spank until we DID. (When we were older, mom's spankings stopped hurting but we had to pretend to cry anyway. lol)
I used to be part of a cult (not a fundamentalist one), and it was the same there. Our catchphrase was "your face belongs to the others." It took me a long time to realize that my face belongs to ME! It's okay for me to feel however I feel like feeling. ;)
And of course I get angry when people look at this cult and say, "But clearly there's nothing wrong with it! They're so happy!" Even my own family didn't believe me when I told them I'd been deeply depressed. They told me again and again that I was just re-writing history and that "they could tell I was happy." It's like people don't realize how easy happiness is to fake.
A friend who was raised with no crying allowed suffers from depression now ... only no one can ever tell she's unhappy. The only way I know is that she stops calling me. Even her boyfriend has to hunt her down and say, "You're unhappy right now. You need to deal with this." Often, she hasn't even realized she was unhappy. Just felt out of sorts with no reason why.
Let me tell you: everyone needs a good cry from time to time!
This post really nails down what disturbs me a little bit about the Duggars. Sheila said something to the effect of how if you try to explain your depression when you seemed so happy, people will say you're just re-writing history. I've definitely encountered this! It's sad and painful.
What disturbs me is the idea that if you seem unhappy, you're shaming God. Jesus was drawn to the ones drowning in sorrow and pain, so that he could weep with them (so they're not alone) and heal them. He didn't say, "You must force yourself to look happy so that you won't shame Me and My Father." He said, "I've come to restore, heal, serve, and love." I've come to love Jesus who loved everyone, despite what their appearance was.
Great post!
Wow - thank you for this information. I grew up with divorced parents. My dad was Catholic. My mom, however was pentecostal. That was just nuts and I think it shaped many of my (dis)beliefs today.
I'm glad that I know a little more about that family. Though I wasn't a die-hard fan or anything, I did watch from time to time. I did often wonder why, out of all of those kids, none of them acted out for attention or cried or even looked sad. It was just weird. I won't be supporting the show by watching again.
I grew in the same kind of environment. I was the second oldest of eight, and my stepfather would paddle my younger siblings more if they kept crying. One of my little brothers in particular was very sensitive to pain, and I remember how awful my sisters and I would feel as we sat in our room listening to him trying in vain to choke back his sobs.
I never watch the Duggar show. I don't want to be reminded of my own upbringing any more than I have to.
Thank you all so very much for sharing you experiences. Your comments mean so much to me. To be honest, this post has stirred up some things that I am still processing. I will come back later to respond more specifically to your comments. Love and grace to you!
This is so sad. It's even worse when you consider that the majority of people seem to ignore these facts. I'm glad some people have the courage to speak the truth! Thank you dulce de leche!
"Jesus wept." (It is the shortest verse in the bible so I remember it!)
I always think of this verse when I hear the Duggars talking about showing a happy/joyful countenance. Jesus was not happy all the time and, as we are suppose to follow his example, I see no reason why we have to be happy all the time either.
I was going to point out the "Jesus wept" verse, too. Or the Psalms, or the entire book of Lamentations. Our emotions are what they are. I wasn't raised in an environment like you're describing, but did have trouble expressing my emotions. I have to stop myself from telling my children not to cry, so I make myself affirm their feelings, let them know it's OK to feel what they're feeling. I know I could be a lot better at that, though. I definitely don't go for the Gothard/Pearl/etc. philosophies. I have no objection to large families - I want a large family (won't have 20, I'm sure, because of logistics if no other reason), but am saddened by those parenting philosophies.
This is sad, sad, sad. I feel kinda sick. Thanks for sharing it Dulce - people need their eyes open about these things
I shamefully admit to blindly following my church in doing the "Pearl" teaching. Ugh! I thankfully realized a few years back how ungodly this was and ran away as fast as my feet could carry me.
My family and I are so much happier now. It's amazing what grace and God can do when added to discipline.
Thank you for sharing and I look forward to reading more.
It depends of their culture , And the same i am agree with @betsy comment "I don't think people would be so anxious about children crying if they'd been allowed to properly cry when they needed to as children. Just a theory."
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