Carnival of Tandem Nursing: A Letter To Myself 7 Years Ago

Welcome to the Carnival of Tandem Nursing
This post was written for inclusion in the Carnival of Tandem Nursing hosted by Mommying My Way. Our participants have shared their personal stories of the highs the lows and information on what to expect if tandeming is in your future. Please read to the end of each post to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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If I could go back seven years to the frazzled, pregnant nursing mama I was then, who was committed to child led weaning but struggling with nursing aversion, this is the advice and reassurance I would have:

Dear Mama,

It is going to be OK. Really. There is no need to feel guilty about the changes in your nursing relationship. I know you are exhausted and saddened by the shift in your breastfeeding relationship because you miss what you had before and you fear that you have ruined it forever. You haven't.

I know you are desperate to get the beauty back, those times when you both enjoyed nursing and you would smile into her eyes and she would give back a milky grin. You will. It isn't always going to be about biting your lip and fighting the urge to scream and throw things.

Your determination to keep breastfeeding? That is a good thing, because it is a choice. You are doing it because you want to, not because you feel locked into it. If that ever changes, though, you have my permission to stop. You want to teach your children to listen to their bodies, right? That means listening to yours, too.

But talk about this, OK? Find some other tandeming mamas and let them know just how hard it is. You need the support of ladies who have been here before. You are not alone. Also? Invest in good bras that *really* support, drink a ton of water and AVOID SOY AND ANYTHING ELSE THAT WILL CAUSE ESTROGEN SPIKES FOR YOU! Just trust me on this--it is a night and day difference.

Let me give you a sneak peek at some of the good things that are going to happen from tandeming:

It really does help with the transition. All four of your kiddos (yes, four!) are going to be incredibly close to each other, and seeing the gentle smiles of your two year old reaching over to hold hands or pat your newborn are going to be priceless memories. (But you won't actually nurse both of them simultaneously very often--the two different sucking patterns feels kind of weird).

Also, it is never going to be this bad again. Each subsequent pregnancy will be much easier in terms of nursing. In fact, for the next two pregnancies, you are going to be tandem nursing while pregnant and feel happy about it.

Another little tidbit: even though you won't be so uncomfortable (what a genteel way to put it, huh?) during future pregnancies, your kidlets are still going to follow a similar pattern of nursing. Just before two, they will still want to nurse several times a day. Once the baby is here, they will nurse far more than your newborn (and will go back to night nursing--breathe, mama! You can juggle two during the night, most nights anyway). IMPORTANT NOTE: you will have oversupply. Assign his and hers sides so that the baby won't be gulping from a fire hose! The constant nursing is totally OK, and if you just ride it out, they will slow down in a few months. Around three, they are going to drop to mornings and maybe once other time, and by the time four hits, they will even skip a day or two at a time. So it is OK to set limits and not feel guilty.

A few months from now, food allergies are going to rear their grotesque heads, and being able to breastfeed is going to be a comfort to you both. (Trust your instincts there, by the way--you weren't imagining things or over reacting.) Yeah, eliminating foods sucks, but it is soooooo worth it. And it isn't just food allergies. Being able to nurse through any medical issue makes it a hundred times easier.

You will really enjoy breastfeeding again, but you will also come to see it as just something you do that works for your family. By the time you are nursing three kids, you won't be thinking about it all the time, and it will just be a part of the rhythm of each day. And weaning will be a peaceful transition, too.

Most of all, don't waste any time on regrets. Guess what? Seven years from now, you will have been tandeming for six and a half years, triandeming for nearly two, having breastfed through three pregnancies and for eight and a half years continuously. And you know what? You will look back and see that the only thing you would have changed is the energy you spent in worry, fear and guilt. It is going to be OK.

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• My Tandem Nursing Journey: Jenny at I'm a full-time mummy is sharing her tandem nursing journey so far...
• Built for Two: No matter how much you read and plan, things may not always go as you expect. A few things that Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy wished she knew when she was planning to tandem feed her toddler and newborn.
• Tandem Nursing - Magic Cure?: Jorje of Momma Jorje had high expectations of tandem nursing easing her toddler daughter's transition from being the baby to being a big sister.
• Mutually Desirable - Navigating a Tandem Nursing Experience: Amy Willa at www.amywilla.com talks about limit setting and meditations that help her navigate an intense tandem nursing experience.
  
• My Adventure in Tandem Nursing: Alicia at Lactation Narration tells her story of nursing her daughter through pregnancy and then tandem nursing.
• 4 months in: the good/hard: Becca at Exile Fertility writes about the joys and struggles of having two nurslings 17 months apart.
• Tandem Nursing: One at a Time: When tandem nursing resulted in a nursing aversion, Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children looked for ways to meet everyone's needs.
• Why Nurse a 4 Year Old?: One of the questions Dionna at Code Name: Mama keeps getting is, "but why breastfeed a four year old? What are the benefits?" Today she answers that question.
• My Hurt Feelings: Shannon at The Artful Mama shares how her first son reacted to nursing after the birth of his brother and the gift she received the last time he nursed.
• Carnival of Tandem Nursing: A Letter To Myself 7 Years Ago: Dulce de leche shares the advice and reassurance that she would have given to herself if she could go back in time.
• Nursing Both My Babies: Cassie at There’s a Pickle in my Lifeshares her experience with nursing and transitioning into tandem nursing. She also gives tips for struggles.
• Our Tandem Nursing Journey: Kim at Life-is-Learning describes her journey into tandem nursing and why it is important to her.
• Based on her own experience, Lauren at Hobo Mama dishes about the benefits and downsides to nursing multiple children.

Breastfeeding: A Private and Sacred Act?

How's *that* for a provocative image?! Jesus and a saint tandem nursing! 

Honestly, I am tired of crusading.  I don't want to be a lactivist.  I'm just a mom, who is enough, thankyouverymuch, just like all the other moms I know who are enough (regardless of what they feed their child).  I half-heartedly shared some articles on the recent Time magazine cover, primarily because I consider one of the models, the lovely Dionna Ford of Code Name: Mama to be both a hero and friend of mine.  I knew to stay far, far away from the magazine comments, and figured that people on my Facebook page are so used to breastfeeding pics and articles from me that it wouldn't provoke any comments from them.

But a friend whom I like and respect said something to the effect that although nursing a three year old is normal, doing it on the cover of a magazine is not.  She commented that nothing was private and sacred anymore.  And she is not alone.  I have heard variations of that from many breastfeeding moms, as well as the general public.  This is my response:

Is bottle-feeding a private and sacred act?  Would you have the same reaction to a three year old drinking from a bottle or sippy cup on a magazine cover?  I agree that there is something sacred about breastfeeding, but I see the same love, beauty and holiness in other acts of a parent caring for their child (including a mother or father bottle feeding with love). 

Sacred?  Yes (although there are plenty of moments when it certainly doesn't feel sacred).  Private?  No.  Why should it be?  Because there are breasts involved?  If that is your reasoning, then you are getting back to the whole breastfeeding is sexual thing, which is quite frankly both ludicrous and offensive.  


As a Christian, I believe that breastfeeding in public contributes to a greater understanding of Scripture passages.  The Bible is full of breastfeeding imagery (in fact, God refers to Himself as El Shaddai, which can mean the many breasted one!).   Psalms describes the perfect peace and contentment of an older child who has weaned.  We are told to desire God's Word the way a baby desires milk.  Yet so many people are unable to grasp the full meaning of this because they haven't seen breastfeeding and are unaware of all the beautiful things that are implied.   As my friend Claire said, that passage isn't just about nutrition.

"Peter's imagining that great big grin as your hungry baby sees that he's about to get what he wants, and the responsiveness of the relationship, and the bonding and the contented, milk-drunk smile at the end... If we don't provide that subconscious imagery, who will?"

What about modesty?  Discretion?  Causing our brothers to stumble?   I get it that breasts have a sexual function.  There are Scriptural passages about the erotic functions of breasts, too, (at least King Solomon was very open about his enjoyment of them...and possibly one of the first poets to compare them to coconuts).  Ahem.  Anyway, despite that, breastfeeding is not a sexual function.  My lips multitask, too.  They can be used in kissing and...so on... in private, but also for eating in public.  I do realize that in this country, breasts are typically covered up unless they are being used sexually, but in other places even women who wear a burqa for modesty are allowed to expose their breasts to nurse their babies.

I reject the idea that men are slavering beasts, under such a compulsion that the act of a mother feeding her child will stir uncontrollable lust.  That is insulting and ridiculous for the men I have known (some of whom, at least--though I haven't discussed it with all of them, to be sure--are fully sensitive to the erotic qualities of breasts in context).  And if it is true in an individual case, I believe that the Godly response is to help that man become free, not to pander to his lustful obsession by insisting that all women everywhere avoid feeding their children in public, just in case.  There are men who are turned on by a woman's feet.  We don't insist that women were furry boots to make sure that they don't cause someone to stumble.  A Christian father sums it up well:

"Our energies should not be put toward 'correcting the behavior' of nursing women because, as I stated before, breastfeeding in public is not a sinful act but a natural one. The breast may occasionally serve a dual function - both for pleasure and for a baby's nourishment and comfort. But you cannot put limitations on nursing, and use God's design of men and women's sexual companionship to support your limitations. They are separate functions - one does not take precedence or dominance over the other."

All acts of love are sacred.  But the sacred and the mundane twine themselves so closely that most of the time they are blurred together.  I have heard too many people romanticize the idea of breastfeeding into the tender, mother Mary halo moment, far removed from everyday parenting.  Motherhood does not mean a life in cloister, locked away from public interaction until the child has weaned.  And if you suggest pumping before every outing, I will gently suggest that your knowledge of how breastfeeding works is pretty much non-existent.

I do not believe that breastfeeding is meant to be a private act.  It is simply a way to mother our children and meet their needs (for comfort as well as nutrition) wherever we happen to be.


P.S.  The friend whose comments sparked this post is a mom who supports extended breastfeeding, and this post is not an attack on her in any way.  I took a comment and ran with it.  :)  We continued the conversation and I think that we agree on far more than we disagree.

P.P.S.  If you really want to put the Time magazine photos in perspective, check out the Historic Photos and Prints of Breastfeeding page on Facebook!

Image credit: quinet on Flickr

For My Friends with Weaning Regret

When I post about breastfeeding older children, I expect criticism.  Hate mail, even.  What I didn't expect was to receive so many emails and comments from friends who regret weaning.

For many, it was a result of pregnancy.  Either misinformation or lack of information about nursing during pregnancy.  For others, it was simply too miserable to continue.  Some had health reasons for stopping.  Some found it too difficult to keep pumping.  Some simply reached the point where they were done.  The reasons are individual to each nursing dyad, but that doesn't make them invalid.


I want to make something clear.  I don't blame you for weaning.  I am not here to make you feel sad, or worse, like a lousy mom.  You aren't. 

You know why I post about the tender, mother-Mary-halo moments of breastfeeding?  Sure, they are frequent and real.  But I post about them so that I will remember and focus and not get overwhelmed by the teeth-clenching, stop-touching-me-PLEASE! moments.  The moments when I am fed up with food allergies and just want to eat what I like FOR ONE FREAKIN' DAY!  The moments when my toddler's latch got lazy again and I feel irritated and sore and will scream if she does that latch-and-lick-for-a-split-second one more time. Ahem. 

Breastfeeding is wonderful, truly.  Those blissful moments are real, too.  But I don't want to romanticize the whole idea of breastfeeding into some soft-focus commercial of a gently smiling earth mama gazing tenderly at her newborn as the way it is all the time.  That is *a* reality, but not *the* reality.

I love the idea of child led weaning or I wouldn't do it.  But I don't think it is for everyone, and that is OK.  I am not a better mom than anyone else because I breastfeed, although breastfeeding makes it easier for me to be a good mom. 

Sometimes there are no easy choices.  Sometimes we choose the less than ideal because it is still the best alternative.  Sometimes we learn things later that we wish we had known then. 

My goal is simply to do all I can to support moms and babies.  I speak out a lot about nursing beyond infancy and tandem nursing because I think more people need to hear that it is normal.

One thing that has interested me is hearing from several moms who are interested in allowing their children to resume nursing after they have weaned for awhile.  I admit, I don't know much about it, although I have heard some beautiful stories.  I want to hear more!  If you have had a nursling begin to nurse again after weaning, would you please share in the comments?  My own daughter tried a few times after weaning, but was never able to latch again. 

My favorite resources for breastfeeding are:
www.kellymom.com and their Facebook page
and of course, La Leche League 

I also have some fabulous online communities where I can get encouragement and advice from other moms.  You are a part of that.  Thank you for being supportive of breastfeeding relationships.  Regardless of whether you breastfed or not, or whatever age your child was at weaning, your attitude towards breastfeeding is making a difference in countless other moms and children.  You may not see it, but I do.  Thank you.  You rock!

ETA: After posting, a friend of mine shared this story of coping with breastfeeding loss, and I was in awe of the wisdom, encouragement and support.  Please read it.  <3

Breastfeeding and Food Allergies

Image credit chrisinplymouth on Flickr

After more than seven and a half years of nursing, it is like wearing a comfy pair of shoes.  It is just what I do.  And although I love all of the amazing changes and stages, we have had some rough spots.  Nursing through pregnancy.  Nursing aversion.  Mastitis.  Cracked and bleeding nipples that lasted well over a month.  One of the most overwhelming was dealing with my children's food allergies while nursing.  But after more than five and a half years of it, I am surprised by how easy it has become.  

When Ariana was a baby, I noticed that sometimes she would get tiny little bumps on her cheekbones after nursing.  She seemed gassy and fussy fairly often (we used Mylicon on a regular basis), and sometimes when changing her diaper, she had a red, bull's-eye ring around her anus.  I didn't realize that these were all signs of possible food allergies.  We started solids at 6 months, and she was eating eggs, wheat, dairy, etc. by or before she was a year old. 

When she was two and Joel was almost a month old, he began screaming with every nursing session.  He would arch his back and twist his head as far as he could.  It was heartbreaking.  I shared with some other moms on my breastfeeding board and the nearly unanimous response was to try eliminating dairy.  I was desperate, and even though I am addicted to cheese, I began ruthlessly cutting out every trace of dairy from my diet.  Within two days, I could see a dramatic difference.  It took several more days for the dairy to completely leave his system, but he went back to the happy baby he had been as a newborn.

It was more than worth it to have him stop screaming, but it was incredibly daunting.  Every bite of food became an ordeal.  Grocery shopping took forever the first few weeks as I pored over labels.  This was before they were required to list the top 8 allergens, and I was looking suspiciously at things like caramel coloring and wondering if they contained dairy.  I can still remember the screaming and pain after I ate some clear broth soup that I was sure would be dairy-free, only to find out that it contained bouillon, which has dairy.

I really struggled with resentment when my husband was oblivious to the effort and frustration of every single bite.  It was hard enough at home, but when we would eat out or with family and friends it was a million times worse.  I hated having to grill them over every possible ingredient, but bringing my own food felt rude, too.  One year at Thanksgiving, some family told me that they had made mashed potatoes without milk so that I could have some.  Just as I was about to eat a bite, I noticed how creamy they looked and asked if there was any butter.  "Oh, yes.  We always put in lots of butter."  I tried to smile as I explained that I couldn't eat them, but inwardly I was so disappointed, for both of us.

There is a lot of confusion about allergies, intolerances and preferences.  I feared that a lot of people considered our dairy elimination as merely a preference and didn't take it seriously.  At one restaurant, I ordered the meal without cheese.  When it arrived with melted cheese all over, I politely explained that we were allergic to dairy, and sent it back.  It came back with most of the cheese scraped off.  :head desk.  (For the record, even if that was merely a preference, I would find that terrible service from a restaurant).

It took weeks before I began to find my footing.  Gradually, I built up a list of generally safe foods/brands.  I still had to think about every bite, but it didn't take nearly as long.  I missed my favorite foods a lot, especially cheese.  I could adjust to rice milk, Smart Balance light, and coconut milk ice cream.  I learned to adapt recipes, and thanked God daily for Oreos.  But I never found an acceptable cheese substitute.

I had been eliminating dairy for several months when Ariana started showing more symptoms.  Eczema breakouts, then hives.  The hives only happened a couple of times, but I pushed hard for allergy testing.  I wondered if I was making too big of a deal about it, if it was all in my head.  Then the results came back.  She was allergic to dairy, wheat, eggs, corn, peanuts, olives and green beans.  While a tiny part of me felt relief that it wasn't just my imagination, that was drowned by the sheer terror.  WHAT was left to eat that didn't contain any of those ingredients?!

Once again, we went through the weeks of poring over labels, looking up ingredients from restaurants on the Internet, and trying to adapt.  This time it was harder because I had to explain to a three year old over and over why she could no longer have any of her favorite foods.  She was a trooper, but it made me sad to deny her or see her left out at birthday parties or other places.  She even reacted to the wheat in Play-Dough.

Her eczema cleared up, though.  She was diaper-free at night as soon as we eliminated the wheat and she actually began sleeping all night.  Her behavior changed noticeably, she was less irritable and aggressive with her little brother.  We began eating more healthfully as a family (sometimes.  We also indulged in junk food that was free of our allergens, just because we could).  I also became a very inventive cook, because I was determined to say yes to my children's food preferences as much as possible, and also because I had to make food that was safe for the whole family that we actually wanted to eat.

Joel started breaking out in hives and having tummy issues just before he turned two.  He seemed fine with dairy, and tests came back negative, but with incredibly high positives to corn, and lower reactions to black beans and pork. Before Elena was a year old, she was showing signs of allergies, too, including a trip to the ER after breaking our in hives the size of my fist from head to toe.  All her tests came back negative, but she showed clear reactions to eggs and berries.  When Amaya was a few months old she started reacting to corn and chocolate (woe is me!) and possibly to pork. 

What I have learned from all this is that it gets easier.  It is possible to breastfeed multiple kids while eliminating multiple allergens.  The learning curve at the beginning is really tough, but once you adjust it becomes like any other discipline.

The allergy part is still confusing to me because of all the contradictory information out there.  I won't tell you when to start solids and which ones, whether or not small amounts through breastmilk that don't provoke a noticeable reaction are good for desensitizing or if they increase the chances for the child to remain allergic, what role vaccines might play, whether or not alternative treatments are effective, or any medical advice, because I just don't know.

What I DO know is that after five and a half years of breastfeeding fool-allergic kiddos, I am happy with that choice.  It isn't nearly as difficult now as it was even three or four years ago.  (Thankfully, the kidlets have outgrown some of the allergies.  I can have cheese now.  But I think I would rather have chocolate.  Sigh.)  I am still more grateful than I can say to all the friends who patiently answered questions, encouraged me, commiserated with me, and helped us to be successful with breastfeeding through the challenge of so many food allergies.

Do you suspect food issues with any of your nurslings?  Are you trying to navigate dietary challenges?  Do you need a hug or an ear from other moms who have been through this?  Your comments and questions are welcome!  <3

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I’m celebrating World Breastfeeding Week with Natural Parents Network!
You can, too — link up your breastfeeding posts from August 1-7 in the linky below, and enjoy reading, commenting on, and sharing the posts collected here and on Natural Parents Network.

(Visit NPN for the code to place on your blog.)

Guest Post: Breastfeeding Saved My Son's Life

Hi! I am Sasha and I write about my life abundant with my husband and 7 children over at One Rich Mother.  Below is a post I originally featured on my blog and is re-posted here with my permission.  I adore the Dulce and feel honored that she would share my writing with her much loved readers.  I hope mine and my son's story helps to strengthen your own commitment to the beauty and importance of the nursing relationship. 

Breastfeeding Saved My Son's Life.

Or at least I believe so, let me explain.
Our son was born on a gorgeous June day in 2006 weighing 8 pounds 7 ounces and was 21 inches long.  He was quiet at birth but even without the strong "Hello Word It's ME!" cry that you usually hear our baby seemed perfectly healthy and took to nursing like a champ from moment one.  So it took everyone by surprise that by the time he was 6 months old he had not grown as expected.  He was a chubby little guy, but he had hardly grown in length at all.

Our son 6 months old

(sorry about the photo quality we had a really bad camera at the time)

Our pediatrician ran some test and our son was given that dreaded label no parent wants to hear "Failure to Thrive".  That night as we were preparing for bed we got a call for us to go to the children's hospital.  Our son's blood work had came back and his sodium was dangerously low, our pediatrician sounded so worried over the phone.  I asked if we could wait until tomorrow.  Her response?  "No, you dont understand how serious this is, you have to leave now, just put him in the car and go now."  We were terrified.

Once at the children hospital we were entered into a whole new world of doctors and specialist and something always in the background going beep.  We never did figure out what caused his low sodium levels but now after the birth of the twins I suspect he also had Pseudohypoaldosteronism just a less sever case. 

The doctors at the children's hospital were also concerned about our baby's lack of growth and that is when the real roller-coaster started.  We tested for one disease after another and still it remained a mystery.  Finally they suspected a brain tumor and we were told he would need a MRI. 

As you probably already know you have to lay completely still to have a MRI done so for a little guy, like our son was, you have to sedate them so they will not move during the test.  This would be the first test that either my husband or I would not be able to hold him through and it was breaking our hearts.  We went to the little waiting room they have down the hall from the machine and held him until the medication did its work and he was "under".  Handing him off to the nurse that came to get him for the MRI was one of the hardest things I had ever done up to that point in my life.

We sat nervously in the room holding hands.  My husband suggested cards, I said no, my heart wouldn't let me do anything but crave my little boy back in my arms.  Finally after an agonizingly long wait the door to the room was flung open by a frazzled nurse who quickly barked a rather unexpected question "You still breastfeed right?"  Confused I answered her yes and she grabbed me by the arm and started rushing me down the hall.  In tears I walked into a room to see my little boy motionless on the table with a team of doctors and nurses surrounding him and alarms going off everywhere.  The nurse told me to nurse my baby "You cant pick him up but lean over him and let him nuzzle you."  Crying almost hysteric I did as she told me to.  For just a moment he made no response but then his head turned to me and he made a soft little grunting noise as I put my nipple into his mouth.  He was too weak to suckle but he began to breath softly and then, like magic, the alarms stopped and everything calmed down.  I became aware that the room of doctors and nurses slowly started thinning out with several of them shaking their heads in amazement "I cant believe that worked, she was right."  The nurse just grinned as she double checked machines and straightened things back up and with a wink said "Of course I was."

Yes, she was right and I thank God for that angel of mercy and whoever it was that taught her to be so wise about the nursing relationship.  Breastfeeding is more than just a way to give your baby food, it is an unimaginable bond between mother and child.  Something so powerful that even the feel of my breast and the smell of me, his mother, was enough to, I believe, save my son's life.

*Our son did not have a tumor.  Almost a month later it was discovered my sons failure to grow as expected was due to him having Growth Hormone Deficiency, also known as Pituitary Dwarfism.

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I am so honored and grateful to Sasha for sharing her beautiful story.  If you haven't yet checked out her blog, please do, and don't forget to like her on Facebook!  Her writings are lovely reflections of the richness of love in her heart and family.  <3

What to Do When You Hate to Breastfeed

I wrote in my previous post my experience with nursing aversion.  It hit me out of the blue, because I was so deeply committed to child-led weaning.  It was so, so hard, both physically and emotionally.  We got through it, though, and I found that there were some specific things that helped.

Water.  I don't think I ever guzzled that much water in my life.  If I wasn't fully hydrated, nursing was excruciating.  I learned to drink all the time, even if I didn't feel thirsty.  It is easy to get so caught up in taking care of everything and everyone that you neglect yourself.  Don't.  My kidlets actually got into the habit of bringing my a glass of water when they asked to nurse.  :)

Rest.  Yeah, I know. It is the impossible dream, and you don't even sleep long enough to have a dream.  But seriously, make this a priority.  Your hormones, milk production and emotional ability to regulate yourself are all tied into this, so do what you have to do to make it happen.

Eliminate the worst nursing session.  I was so afraid of weaning when my milk supply was already next-to-non-existent that I didn't want to set limits.  However, I could see a pattern.  During the morning, I didn't really mind nursing.  Even night-wakings weren't bad.  It was the evening times when I was already drained (in every sense of the word) that were hardest.  So I let my husband take over.  It kept my sanity and willingness to nurse at other times, and helped my children and husband become closer than ever.

Buy new bras.  If my bras were loose at all, it made it much worse.  I took to wearing exercise bras 24/7.  Not a fan of the uniboob look, but it was so much more comfortable.

Let go of the guilt.  I felt like a terrible mother.  There was so much shame.  I loved my baby so much and wanted so sincerely to continue breastfeeding, yet my feelings and thoughts were so horrible.  In subsequent pregnancies, I refused to take on that burden of guilt.  Instead, I congratulated myself for being a loving mom, and for doing what I thought was best.  I also looked objectively at weaning, without berating myself or accusing myself of being false to my ideals.  I never did wean, but it was on the table as an option.

Watch hormones.  I found that the culprit behind my nursing aversion was estrogen.  Any time my estrogen levels would spike, so would the aversion to nursing.  Understanding that was a huge key for me.  I also found that when I eat soy or absorb too much lavender, my estrogen levels go up.  Completely eliminating soy from my diet and giving up my favorite lavender oil bath soak helped a lot.  If you are on hormonal birth control or other things are going on in your menstrual cycle, that can definitely trigger aversion.  Even knowing when it was the result of hormonal shifts instead of something else made it easier to bear and to see an end point to the aversion.

Talk to another tandeming mom.  Hearing that I was not the only mom to experience this helped so much.  Reading how common this was in Adventures in Tandem Nursing by Hilary Flower was good, too.  You are not alone, and this does not make you a bad mom.

Set limits if needed.  It is OK to cut short a nursing session if you need to, even if they cry.  Shower love, understanding and empathy, but feel free to maintain your limits.  Think of it this way: do you want to teach your children to ignore uncomfortable feelings in their body to please someone else?  On the other hand, if you have decided freely that this is something you believe is worth doing, then go ahead.  Some days, I cut back; other times, I want ahead and let them nurse as much as they wanted.  Most days were a bit of both.

Self-talk.  Tell yourself all the things you like about breastfeeding.  Remind yourself of the benefits.  Remind yourself how precious your nursling is.  Distract yourself during nursing sessions with a good book or some surfing.  Tell yourself all the reasons why you have a choice and this is right for you.  And if you stop believing it, then consider cutting back more.  It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

This too, shall pass.  It lasted about a year for me the first time.  It seemed like a long time, and I was worried that it would color all of my memories of nursing.  That was probably part of the reason I persisted--I hoped to someday get back to our previous enjoyment of nursing.  We did.  And once I figured out my triggers, it was much, much milder in subsequent pregnancies, and only lasted a few weeks.

At this point, I have been breastfeeding for more than seven years, and I figure I probably have at least three more to go.  Who knows?  I am not a martyr mom.  I know that breastfeeding can be tough, but I also know that it is so very, very worth it.  I am really, really glad that I persevered through the rough times and that the joy came back.  But I also know that there are many ways to show love to our children, and that weaning does not mean the end of our special bond.  It is just a new season of trust and sharing and love and joy.  Wherever you are on your breastfeeding journey, know that you have already given your child a tremendous gift. 

I Hated Breastfeeding

Yes, really.  I have been breastfeeding for more than seven years now, but for a year, I hated it.  Surprised?  Yeah, in all my posts about breastfeeding, I have never devoted one to nursing aversion.  Even when I blogged about nursing through pregnancy, tandem nursing and triandem nursing, it was just a passing mention.  It isn't a secret, really.  I think that like some of my fellow breastfeeding mamas, I just get caught up in the benefits or the nursing in public controversy, or even the early obstacles to breastfeeding, and had never bothered to address what happens when, after more than a year of happy breastfeeding, it becomes something you hate.

The first few weeks of breastfeeding are notorious for being difficult.  You and your baby are both learning how it works, how to latch, etc.  You are sleep deprived and hormonal.  It can be rough.  Then, it all falls into place, you and baby work out a rhythm and it becomes a wonderful, snuggle-filled, oxytocin-boosting way to meet your baby's needs.  If, like me, you become pregnant before your baby is ready to wean, you may decide to continue to breastfeed through the pregnancy and beyond.

I was aware of all the recommendations to breastfeed for a minimum of two years, so I had committed to myself to nurse that long.  I also knew that the American Academy of Pediatrics had deliberately chosen not to set an upper limit to the duration of breastfeeding, and that all the other organizations recommended continuing as long as the mother and baby wanted.  I believed that it was important to respect my child's readiness and not wean before she was finished.  I also knew that breastfeeding through pregnancy was safe, and might even help my toddler to avoid jealousy of the new baby.  Sounded good.

I also knew that many women experienced a drop in supply towards the end of the first trimester, and that some babies decide to wean because of changes in the milk, or the decrease in amount of milk.  I was really, really worried that my daughter would be one of those.  Like most moms that bring a sibling into the life of their baby, I was concerned about the transition, and wanted to do everything possible to reassure her and meet her needs.  Nursing was such a special, love-filled time for us.  She would laugh delightedly just before latching on, and I was so happy to be able to give her something she wanted and needed.  But it changed.

The changes were both physical and emotional.  My nipples were sore, regardless of her latch.  Then as the milk started to dry up, so did my emotional well. The creepy-crawlies hit.  I don't know how to describe it if you have never experienced it.  Maybe like a million ants on you.  I don't know.  I wanted to scream and shriek, "Get off me!"  It was awful.  I would grit my teeth, and try to concentrate on anything except the horrible sensations.  I was afraid that if I limited her too much, she would wean completely, so I endured it as much as I could.

People expect pregnant women to complain of backaches, tiredness, swollen ankles and things like that.  But I didn't feel like I could complain about this.  Most people thought I was crazy for doing it to begin with.  If I opened my mouth and let on how much it was bothering me, they would reasonably suggest I wean.  And I still didn't want to do that.  So I kept it to myself, and even with my husband I was reluctant to express just how loathsome it seemed.

And the guilt!  Oh, the guilt!  How could I feel this way about something that was so important to my daughter?  What if she sensed my feelings?  Would she feel rejected?  Would it actually be better to wean her than to continue doing something that felt so negative?

Those are important questions, and I would never presume to answer them for another nursing mom.  I agonized over them.  I prayed.  I thought.  I went back and forth.  Ultimately, I kept reaffirming that this was a choice that I was making, and that I was doing what I wanted to do because I believed it was worth it.

It got easier when the colostrum came in.  It got easier still once my son was born and there was an abundance of milk.  Seeing the joy on her face as she gulped leche is still one of my favorite memories.  But, the feelings persisted, although much less intensely than during the pregnancy.  There were times when I would turn my face as she latched on because I didn't want her to see the tension in my expression.  Then there were other times when I enjoyed it as much as before the pregnancy, where we smiled tenderly into each other's eyes.

Gradually, those times became more frequent and the icky feelings disappeared.  For the last year and a half that she nursed, I was able to welcome her nursing wholeheartedly without any reservations.  She eventually weaned in the last trimester of my third pregnancy, a few months after turning four.  I went on to nurse through two more pregnancies (nursing two kidlets while pregnant) and for the last nine months I have had three nurslings.

I was really worried that those feelings would come back in subsequent pregnancies, but although dry nursing was always uncomfortable, it was never as bad as the first time around.  In my last pregnancy it wasn't an issue at all, at least in part because of my coping strategies.  I share all the things that I learned to make it easier in this post.  :)

If you are nursing through a pregnancy, hugs to you.  If you are going through nursing aversion, please let go of any guilt so that you can objectively evaluate what is best for your family.  I can say in all honesty that I am very, very glad that I stuck it out.  Those feelings went away and breastfeeding was even better after having worked through that.  The benefits were totally worth it for us.  But if it is different for you, that is OK.  I know how hard it can be, and would never judge another mom for choosing differently.  Your experience is your own, not mine.

I know that it is hard to talk about, because it is hard to tell your fellow breastfeeding advocates that you hate to breastfeed, and you are probably already feeling judged by others for nursing while pregnant to begin with.  I want to give you an ear and a hug and no criticism.   If you decide to wean, that it OK.  I also want to give you hope and encouragement.  It does get better and it can eventually result in tremendous joy.

Note:  I decided to include this post in the Tandem Nursing Blog Hop, because I wish someone had shared it with me my first time through.  Here is the linky to more tandem posts:

Wherein I (Mostly) Agree with the Mainstream Mags

During my first couple of years of mommyhood, I eagerly read every issue of every mainstream parenting magazine out there.  I nodded along with each bland, middle of the road article.  After a few months, though, they all began to sound like reruns of the same cheesy infomercial:

Breastfeeding:  Breast is Best!  For a limited time only! (6 months.  1 year, max.)  Supplies are limited! 
(You probably won't make enough, anyway, or at the very least will want to get away some.  You also need to add rice cereal by 4-6 months.)  Go hands free!  (Make sure someone else feeds the baby once in awhile, so that they can bond, too.)

Sleep:  Are you tired of your baby sleeping like a...baby?  Then you need to try our sleep training program!  Just pay three easy installments of CIO, and you will get more sleep, guaranteed! (After all, your baby doesn't really need to nurse during the night after [insert arbitrary time period] and is probably just doing it out of habit.  Of course, it is hard to listen to them cry--we aren't heartless--but we know that it is being done For Their Own Good.)  And our approach is gentler on the stomach! (We don't advocate leaving them in their vomit.  Just let them cry in gradually increasing intervals).

Punishment:  Try our diet-consequences!  Our punishment-lite has all of the flavor, none of the guilt!  Just combine one minute of time out per year of age, add a sticker chart and several "Good jobs!", apply consistently, and you will see results!  (For maximum results, add at least one meaningless choice per day--aka blue shirt vs red shirt--so that your child has the illusion of control.  Those attitudes will melt right off!)

I won't even get into the bimonthly reprint of the same article telling us that it has been thoroughly proven that the mercury in vaccines does *not* cause autism, but it is such a classic that it hasn't changed since 2004. 

But, snark aside, there is one topic that I basically agree with them on.  Surprised?  Me, too.  I won't try to read too much into that.  But with one major caveat, I agree with them on favoritism.

We all know that playing favorites hurts.  But what about when it is your child, not the parent, who plays favorites?  Despite our best efforts not to let it get under our skin, it can still sting.  In fact, one of the preferred arguments in favor of formula-feeding is that the baby will be too attached to the mom (literally) and that dad will get left out.

I've talked with a lot of moms who mention that in those first several months after becoming a parent, their husbands do feel a little left out of the loop.  The mom and baby are bonding and so focused on each other that they don't seem to need anyone else.   Sometimes the dads are hesitant to try or take any displeasure by the baby personally, and just default to letting mom care for the baby.  And some moms reinforce the dad's feelings of inadequacy through hovering, "helping", or correcting.

Our oldest daughter has always been extremely close to me.  And I suspect there were times when her toddler cries of, "Mami do it!" hurt just a bit.  It would have been easy to blame breastfeeding.  Instead, we gave them more time together and more ways to connect.

With each new child, one of my favorite things has been to watch the increased closeness that the toddlers develop with their dad.   While I try to reassure them a lot, and tandem nursing provides plenty of mami-time, they always wind up doing a lot more with Daddy. Watching him snuggle them to sleep, calm tantrums with play, and do fun things with them provides much needed peace to all of us.

I don't know if part of it is simply his increased comfort level with babies, or if it is simply a personality thing, or what, but the last two have showed a distinct preference for Daddy, even as infants.  Our seven month old squeals with delight as soon as he walks into the room and immediately raises her hands and calls, "Dadee! Dadadee!"  If he waits for more than a split second, her indignant squawk of protest makes it clear that she is outraged by the slight.  As he cuddles her, her face beams satisfaction.

When I have to work or just want to meet a friend for coffee or do some solo shopping, I am comfortable knowing that they are with him.  Does he do things differently than I would?  Sure.  That isn't a bad thing, though.  In fact, I believe that they benefit from seeing how different people handle things differently.  Flexibility is important for everyone.  There have certainly been times when a toddler told us coldly that "Daddy/Mami doesn't do it that way!" but we all learn more from that.  Sometimes the kids adjust, sometimes we do.  Either way, it is good.

So, my advice to parents going through a distinct stage of preference on the part of the child pretty much boils down to what "they" would say:  Don't take it personally.  This too shall pass.  Give both parents the opportunity to parent without you parenting the other parent.

My one deviation is that I do not think that the other parent must feed with a bottle or miss out on bonding.  Even with my marathon-nurslings, there are plenty of moments in the day for the other parent to step in and have close times with the baby.  (My personal opinion was that if one parent is handling all the input, the other can be responsible for all the out-put.  While my husband has definitely done his share of diaper duty, he isn't quite 100% behind that one, but as I said, flexibility is good.)

If this were a magazine article, I would try to tie it all up with a cute bow.  I won't, though, because I know it isn't always that easy.  I have the best possible scenario--a wonderful husband who is devoted to his kids and fully trustworthy.  He wants to be with them, and they want to be with him.  Even so, each of the kidlets has expressed favoritism at one point or another.  It isn't a competition, though, and we continue to discover in more ways that we are all on the same team.  I still need to work on a catchy commercial slogan, though.

A Sip of Comfort

Continuing in the whole "write what you know" theme, today's post should be about sleep deprivation, because I am exhausted.  The baby seems to have picked up whatever bug the older ones got and was running a fever all night the last two nights.  As long as she was nursing, she was quiet, but if at any point during the night she lost her latch, she screamed.  I held her all night, snatching sleep in five minute increments here and there.  One or two nights like this isn't a big deal, but when they pile up on top of each other, I start getting loopy.  Despite that, though, I was deeply grateful, because I was doing something constructive to help us both feel better.

I hate it when my little ones get sick.  Even though I know their immune systems are strong and can use a little workout from time to time, even when I am reasonably sure that it isn't serious, even when it is short-lived, even though I have faith in the Creator of their precious little bodies,  I still hate it.  I hate for them to feel awful.  And I hate to feel helpless.  I want so much to do something, anything.  I want to be in control.  I hate feeling inadequate.

Last night, I thought for the zillionth time (more or less--too tired to count with any degree of accuracy ;)) how incredibly grateful I am that I can nurse my babies and comfort them.  Being aware that she was getting lots of antibodies and that she felt better because she was nursing was such a relief.  I've read enough about the problems with giving babies Tylenol, etc, that I don't even have any, and I've read enough about the benefits of fever to let it go most of the time.  Breastmilk has only positive side effects, there is never any fear of overdosing, and it doesn't require any special preparation or much effort (have you tried to force medicine into a tightly clamped mouth?).

As she slept nestled next to my breast, I could feel her temperature (and did you know that mothers' breasts automatically adjust to keep babies where they should be, getting warmer or cooler in response to them?  We are their own little climate control!).  I could feel her body relax against mine as she nursed.  I smelled the sweet scent of her head and breathed in peace.  We snuggled close and both began to feel better.  She dug her toes into my side, but I didn't mind a bit.

I've heard some ridiculous warnings against comfort-nursing, and even comforting in general.  Because, you know, they might learn to depend on us.  And think how dreadful it would be if a helpless baby depended on us!  Or how terrible for any person to look to the ones they love most for comfort when they were distressed.  Um, yeah.  Whatever.  I consider myself a healthily independent adult, and still appreciate having my loved ones respond to me. 

There is information at www.kellymom.com,  www.kathydettwyler.org , as well as other places on comfort nursing, but I don't really need it.  I am thankful that there is something I can do to comfort her, not just when she is sick, but any time she needs me.  This quote pretty much sums it up:

"You are not a pacifier; you are a Mom. You are the sun, the moon, the earth, you are liquid love, you are warmth, you are security, you are comfort in the very deepest aspect of the meaning of comfort.... but you are not a pacifier!" -- Paula Yount

My Parenting Bookshelf--the Development Books

Honestly, I think that parental frustration could be reduced by at least 80% if more parents understood infant and child development. Especially if you have been exposed to the toxic blather about infant manipulation and other adversarial warnings, I would encourage you to spend some time reading. It really shows up the absurdity behind the writings of Ezzo and others who have no basis in reality.

I think we all want to be reassured that our child is on target. Even if it is a behavior that we don't like or enjoy, knowing that it is normal for that age helps us to put it into perspective. If we can understand why they are acting the way they do, it is much easier to ride out the tough times or to find better solutions.

The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderlund. This just might be my new favorite. Current and detailed, it provides a wealth of information about infant development, including topics such as breastfeeding, sleep, crying, separation and more. Unlike a lot of books that are primarily the author's opinion, this one is a presentation of research and neuroscience. I love the brain scans! This is easily one of the best parenting books you could ever read.

The Baby Book by Sears. I love this book. It was the first source to encourage me to follow my instincts and parent the way my heart was telling me. It is such a complete book--development, attachment parenting info, medical advice, etc. Still one of my go-to books.

Your Baby and Child: Birth to Age Five by Penelope Leach. Excellent. I loved the fact that this one went all the way to age 5, and found that the info on cognitive development was very helpful. If the tone of the Sears books is a little too sugary for you, this book might appeal a little more.

Your One Year Old, Your Two Year Old, Your Three Year Old, etc. by Ames and Ilg. Having an entire book devoted to each year means a wealth of detail. These books have been tremendously helpful with explanations of typical behavior and development, equilibrium/disequilibrium, and more. While I had studied a lot in the 0-5 range, I had not seen nearly as much material for ages 6 and up. Your Six Year Old was the most scarily accurate of any book I have ever read. It definitely helped save my sanity. While I appreciate the development side tremendously, I strongly disagree with much of the discipline advice in this series, which is often simply to have someone else take care of the child. The valuable info far outweighs the rest, though.

There are several other books I have read, many dealing more with psychological and cognitive development of older kids, that I will try to come back and add. Some of what people assume is common sense when it comes to children is actually common nonsense because so many lack understanding of how and when children reach certain milestones and develop life skills. Just as in other areas, knowing truth sets us free--free to enjoy, to be at peace, to trust and to teach, to genuinely like our children more and to see each phase in perspective and get the most out of it.

It's Hard Some Days

Last night, our youngest woke up every. half. hour. (sometimes even more frequently, never less) between 11PM and 7AM. I don't know if it was gas, teething, a growth spurt or something else, but she has been perfectly happy all morning. I, on the other hand, need a coffee IV.

The house needs to be cleaned, and I have no desire or energy whatsoever to do anything. (But in honesty, that would be true even with a full night's sleep).

Ariana and Joel were playing normally and happily and I snapped at them to be quiet.

Elena has asked to nurse a dozen times this morning already and I've told her no every time.

I want to crawl back in bed, but know it wouldn't work, and the effort and disappointment of trying to manage it is more than I can deal with right now.

I wrote about one of our fairly normal days in this post, and some of the things that I do. My post on riding it out has a few of my coping techniques.

It is hard to be balanced. It is hard to be honest, even with ourselves. It is hard to parent. It is hard to discipline ourselves. And I don't always know where the lines are. What is the line between complaining and honesty? What is the line between healthy boundaries and self-centeredness? What is the line between choosing to practice what I preach and giving myself grace? I am not sure.

Recently a friend said that I make parenting four kidlets sound too easy. That I should have warned her more about difficulties with breastfeeding, lack of sleep, etc. She may have had a point. At the same time, I really, truly believe that the rewards are more than worth it. I experience them most of the time. Most of our days are filled with joy. Most of our nights result in adequate sleep. But not always.

(Now isn't this worth a sleepless night? <3)

I believe that natural birth, even thought it hurts, is better for the baby and the mom.

I believe that babies should nurse whenever they are hungry, even during the night.

I believe that regardless of age, humans should be treated with kindness and respect.

I believe that the choices we are making now actually make life easier, not just in a distant future, but now, too.

I believe, I even know, but some days are just hard.

Crossing Cultures

I consider both myself and my husband third culture kids, at least to some extent.  We have enough of a US background to be heavily influenced by that (I would say it is our dominant culture), but we also have enough of a Hispanic background to keep us from fitting in completely.  Everything from greetings, to personal space, to food and social choices, to language, to parenting practices are affected.  I didn't realize how out of mainstream beliefs I was, though, until we became parents.

My Hispanic friends don't ask a lot about whether the baby is sleeping through the night.  Most of them expect her to sleep with us.  Many of them, especially those from rural areas, find nothing unusual about child led weaning.  One even shared that his uncle nursed past ten!  He says that he is grown now, a kind man, and extremely healthy and strong.  He attributed it to the extended nursing.  My father in law breastfed until he was seven, and that was a good thing.  They love the idea of baby wearing, and talk about how their abuelas used to wear their babies.

Also, in a way that is hard to define, they are welcoming of children.  We don't even have an exact word in Spanish for babysitter, although we use niñera.  It is generally expected that the family will go places together, and if parents are welcome, then so are babies.   As in nearly every country other than the US, most boys are left intact.  Non-allopathic health care is respected.  And although corporal punishment is still the norm in much of the Spanish-speaking world, in Spain, Costa Rica, Venezuela and Uruguay, all corporal punishment is illegal.

However, we do not pierce our daughters' ears as babies.  Nor do we shave their heads so that their hair will grow in thicker.  We also have boundaries as to how other adults, even relatives, correct our children.  We don't try to shame them or make up things that other people may be thinking about them to manipulate them.

Obviously, any time you make generalizations about cultures, it is a little tricky.  The accuracy will always be limited.  Among Hispanics, particularly those in urban areas, things are becoming much more like mainstream US views.  Yet it is comforting for me to know that in some places, I am nor weird.  :D

I would love to hear from other moms with a foot in different cultures what things make you feel that you fit in, and which ones don't.  Please share in the comments.  :)

Near Mama's Heart - A children's book about breastfeeding

My Parenting Bookshelf--The Christian Books (just in time for Christmas shopping!)

This turned into a really long post, so I am breaking it up. How we started looking for books and my recommendations for the best Christian parenting book of all are here.

The Complete Book of Christian Parenting and Child Care by the Sears. Not only do they have all the credentials--MDs, IBCLCs, parents of eight children, dedicated Christians--they have the fruit to go with it. Some of their children are now working with their parents as MDs. Contrast that to the Ezzos who are not even on speaking terms with their grown kids!

Biblical Parenting by Crystal Lutton.  This combines the theological background for a deep study of Scripture (including the rod verses and others) with very practical, real life ways to live a life of grace and discipline.  There is nothing permissive here, just loving ways to help you parent as a disciple of Christ.  You can also check out some of Crystal's material at www.aolff.org

The Ministry of Motherhood and The Mission of Motherhood, both by Sally Clarkson.  I would love to give these to every Christian mom I know.  They aren't about spanking; there isn't a soapbox to mount.  They are simply full of wisdom and grace.  Every time I read them again, I feel as if I had just had a delicious cup of Earl Grey and fabulous scones with plenty of cream with a close friend who has been there and will encourage me.  Her blog (I Take Joy) is in my favorites list. 

How to Really Love Your Child by Ross Campbell.  Excellent.  I was excited to hear that some pastor friends in Norway were using this with their church.  Beautiful, balanced and helpful.

Grace Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel and Max Lucado.  I heard great things about this one, and it was good, but I wasn't a huge fan.  It has really blessed a lot of my friends, though.  YMMV.  *Note: there is one reference to spanking in the book, but the overall book doesn't emphasize spanking.

Families Where Grace is In Place by Jeff Van Vonderen.  Absolutely amazing!  This book beautifully challenges old paradigms on gender roles, marriage issues, parenting and gives practical and powerful portrayals of what a family of grace looks like.  A must read.

The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Smalley.  Another one that I strongly recommend.  Beautiful, real-life ways to help your children experience love.

Thy Rod and Thy Staff, They Comfort Me by Samuel Martin.  Excellent.  Sam is a scholar whose love and reverence for God's Word clearly shines through.  I have a couple of posts reviewing it here.

Heartfelt Discipline by Clay Clarkson. Another examination of discipline, the rod passages and what Christ-like parenting should be.  I honestly prefer Sally's books, but her husband does well, too.

Depending on where you fall on the gentle discipline spectrum, some books may be more helpful than others.  For example, the Sears book and Grace Based Parenting seem mildly punitive to me, and some of the wording in Clay Clarkson's book did, as well.  However, for someone transitioning into GD, particularly with a Babywise background, I think it would be extremely helpful.  I think that Heartfelt Discipline would make a wonderful church library donation, especially for a group that has been influenced by Tripp. 

Even if you strongly disagree with my views on discipline, I would encourage you to check out some of these books. You see, when I read books by Dobson, Tripp, and others, I come away feeling as if my children are my adversaries. Discipline becomes a matter of constant suspicion (was that question actually defiance?) and defense against any possible lack of respect through retaliation.

In contrast, after reading the authors here, I find myself feeling more joyful, more loving, and more confident in my authority. My patience is strengthened and I have practical tools to help discipline in the truest sense of the word. We can all use more of that, can't we?

Breastfeeding Baby Jesus

We saw many of these lovely depictions when we were in Europe, and I have photos of Ariana nursing underneath some of these. :)  Many thanks to Peaceful Parenting for putting this beautiful video together.

My Parenting Bookshelf--Breastfeeding

As I mentioned in my previous post, my obsession interest in parenting books started with panic over breastfeeding. After my daughter was born, she latched on and nursed well. Ironically, it was the hospital LC who first aroused anxiety by manhandling me and saying that her latch was off. She said I had to have nipple shields because my nipples were too flat, and while she probably meant well, she was pretty discouraging. I ditched the shields the next day, and just followed our instincts, and she nursed like a champ.

At her first check up, she had gained so much weight that the ped and nurses were very impressed. Still, I had plenty of doubts, so I picked up two books on breastfeeding. They were the only ones in stock at the time in the rather meager section on breastfeeding, but they served the purpose. I got The Complete Book of Breastfeeding by Eiger and Olds and The Nursing Mother's Companion by Kathleen Huggins. They reassured me that we were doing fine, and that breastfeeding would even get easier. Right about the same time, a friend gave us a copy of an Ezzo book. It was interesting because they contradicted each other so much. I searched the AAP guidelines and other reputable sources and decided that Ezzo was a twisted quack who disliked and distrusted babies and had severe jealousy and maturity issues.

Along with all the books, I read all the magazines, too. Mostly ones like Baby and Parenting. They all suggested breastfeeding for a year, as long as it wasn't too inconvenient. I read one article, though, that blew me away. It was in this weird, hippy magazine called Mothering, and it was about a five year old who loved to hula hoop and was still breastfeeding. It was the most bizarre thing I had ever read. A five year old?! I mean, we all know that once they can ask for it they are too old, right? It stuck with me, though.

The Baby Book and The Breastfeeding Book by Dr. Sears. As I mentioned before, I came across the Sears' book on clearance, and so I got it. As I read it, I was astounded at all of the solid research and information that supported our instincts. Ariana was still exclusively breastfed at that point, and it was going so well. I remembered the article on the five year old, and while that still seemed really strange, as I read the Sears book I began to think that maybe I could keep going beyond a year. By the time she was a year, I had found an online community of breastfeeding moms who had shared plenty of information and encouragement, and I was committed to child-led weaning.

Mothering Your Nursing Toddler by Norma Jane Bumgarner was my next find. Nursing is a relationship, and nursing a toddler is quite different from nursing a newborn. I found information, stats, advice for dealing with others, and ideas of what to expect from different ages and stages. It was wonderful!

Once I became pregnant again, I added Adventures in Tandem Nursing by Hilary Flower. I already spoke about that one in the pregnancy bookshelf post. It has been reread as we have nursed through the last three pregnancies.

My most recent addition is Breastfeeding Older Children by Ann Sinnott. I actually participated in the research that she did on this one, so of course I had to buy it! I was not disappointed. There is little material available for moms of older nurslings, but this would be good even if there were an abundance. It covers many aspects of nursing at different ages, including development (both physical and emotional) of the children.

Wanna-reads: I still want to read Ina May Gaskin's book on breastfeeding. I have read, of course, The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding by the La Leche League, and particularly enjoyed the latest edition. One that I don't own, but have used in the past as an invaluable reference is Hale's Medications and Mothers Milk. If you are ever concerned about a med and breastfeeding, make sure that your physician is using this resource. It is the definitive work on the subject.

So where are we now? Well, he isn't into hula hoops, but in a month or two I will be nursing a five year old. :) Breastfeeding has truly been an adventure. For nearly five years, I have been breastfeeding two or three, all while eliminating foods they are allergic to. Yet the reality is not nearly as difficult or unpleasant as it might sound. I am happy and feel very blessed with how easy it has been, overall. At least some of that is due to the books I've read. :)

One last thought: it isn't a book, but the site www.kellymom.com has been one of the best resources ever for all things breastfeeding for me!

My Parenting Bookshelf--Pregnancy/Birth

For some women, it's shoes. For me, it's parenting books. I read every one I can get my hands on. Whether I agree with them or not, I find them fascinating. I didn't start out collecting them on purpose. The first couple of weeks after my eldest was born, I started worrying about breastfeeding. Was I making enough? Was I doing it right? I picked up a couple of books.

Then, after a horrendous experience with a child abuse manual (TTUAC), I stumbled across a Sears' Baby Book for 90% off (changing editions). I started getting more books on development and gentle discipline. When Joel had the bad reactions to vaccinations, I found several books on that topic. Once we decided to do a natural birth with Elena, I got several books on that.

By the time our fourth was here, I already had shelves full of books that have helped me tremendously. Like old friends, when I need advice, ideas, or reassurance that things are normal, I go back to many of my favorites.

Since there are too many to share in one post (I read a *lot*) I'm going to break it up by topic and share pregnancy/birth this time, breastfeeding another, gentle discipline, etc. Some will overlap, of course. There are no doubt many goods ones I've missed, but here is a list of some of the best:

Ina May's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin
Hands down, my favorite. I grew up with a lot of horror stories surrounding birth, and it was amazing to read so many happy, peaceful birth stories. The section with her advice and techniques was practical and easy to remember.

Orgasmic Birth by Elizabeth Davis and Debra Pascali-Bonaro
The title had me both skeptical and intrigued, but the actual book is very good. Again, positive stories and good advice.

Adventures in Tandem Nursing: Breastfeeding through Pregnancy and Beyond by Hilary Flower
When I became pregnant with Joel, Ariana was still nursing at least 8 times in 24 hours. I didn't want to wean her, but was hearing a lot of comments that suggested health risks, etc. This book is exceptionally well researched and gave me all the info I needed to nurse through pregnancy. I also appreciate the real-life stories. Nursing through pregnancy and tandeming can be emotionally and physically challenging, and she handled that with empathy, encouragement and no guilt trips.

Also-reads:
There are several others that I read from libraries, etc, but don't actually own, either because I didn't have the money to purchase them at the time, or whatever.

Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May Gaskin. The hippy-lingo made me smile, and Ina May is excellent.

The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth by Henci Goer
Tons of research and info. Not as light as some of the others, but definitely worth the read!

The Pregnancy Book and The Birth Book by the Sears. The Sears books were my first introduction into parenting according to my heart. I was so anxious to do things the "right way" and they were the first voice to give me authoritative, researched-based permission to cosleep, to breastfeed as often and as long as my daughter wanted, to respond to her without suspicion.

There were many others whose specific titles I can't recall. Some fantastic ones were lent to me by my midwife on active birth, and a couple that are mentioned in my previous pregnancy/birth/homebirth posts.

There were also, of course, some not-so-great books. I *loved* The Girlfriend's Guide books by Vicki Iovine during my first pregnancy. It was entertaining and fit perfectly with my preconceptions. After more research, I was in an entirely different mindset, however.

I read one moronic book on easy labor that was essentially an entire book on getting an early epidural, blindly following any and all suggestions by any medical personnel and being as convenient as possible for the hospital system. There was no research or helpful info other than saying that you are not being a good little girl if you ask questions or do anything without the maximum level of intervention and profit to the hospital.

There were a couple of others that just distilled all the columns from mainstream parenting magazines and said, "Well, you can *try* for an unmedicated birth, buuuuuut, you probably won't make it. Still, it doesn't hurt to learn some techniques to use while you are waiting for the epidural. Eat right and exercise right during pregnancy, etc." Generic stuff. And of course, there are a few that emphasize all the possible birth defects and complications (except complications that result from routine interventions). The "What to Expect" type of book. After my first pregnancy, I just read the weekly development of the fetus stuff and skipped the rest.

All of the books contributed in different ways to each of my birth experiences. Especially in my last two births, I learned a lot from some wonderful authors.

Next post: your baby is here, now what? books. :)

Why Christians should Breastfeed in Public

Photo by zieak

I recently read a comment from Claire in Tasmania that made a deep impression on me. In reference to another mom bringing up the issue of modesty, she answered, "I've decided it's our ministry to nurse in church because
a) for those who 'don't know where to look' (which someone apparently said to the minister's wife) - it's a life skill they need to learn, and where better to learn it?
b) for everyone who reads passages in the Bible written by people who assume knowledge of breastfeeding ("like newborn babes crave pure spiritual milk"), there is so much more to the imagery there than just nutrition, yk? Peter's imagining that great big grin as your hungry baby sees that he's about to get what he wants, and the responsiveness of the relationship, and the bonding and the contented, milk-drunk smile at the end... If we don't provide that subconscious imagery, who will?"

Wow. It is only in the last few generations that so many people, male and female, have grown up *without* all of that beautiful imagery to form part of our understanding. The way a newborn, whether asleep or awake, will orient herself toward the breast. The peacefulness of a babe who has been satisfied. The frequency with which they want more (no place for scheduling here: "It has only been two hours since you read several Psalms. You have to wait another hour."). Gazing into each others' eyes, breathing in each others' scent. The trust and joy in relationship.

I think of passages like Isaiah 66:11-13 (New International Version)

11 For you will nurse and be satisfied
at her comforting breasts;
you will drink deeply
and delight in her overflowing abundance."

12 For this is what the LORD says:
"I will extend peace to her like a river,
and the wealth of nations like a flooding stream;
you will nurse and be carried on her arm
and dandled on her knees.

13 As a mother comforts her child,
so will I comfort you;
and you will be comforted over Jerusalem."

Verses like these have become so much richer to me since I've nursed my own children, seen their delight, held them in my arms, and comforted them. I imagine that this was the norm when the Bible was written, yet today breastfeeding has become something to do while hidden away in a bathroom stall, or under elaborate covers and blankets. Many people are unaware of the expressions and habits that nursing moms take for granted.

So, when you are out with your baby and she gets hungry, nurse her wherever you are. If you don't have nurslings of your own, encourage the moms around you with a smile and a kind word. You will be "doing unto the least of these" what Jesus would do, and may even discover some spiritual riches that you hadn't noticed before.

Nursing in Public: It's Not About Modesty

Last night we celebrated a family birthday, and my sister in law took pics of everyone. Of course, when she came around to me, the baby was nursing. Since I've been nursing at least one little one for the last 6 and a half years, no one was surprised. She posted the pics on Facebook later, and what did surprise me was that the first comment was from a sweet friend of hers who was concerned that I would be upset.

Bless her heart. I am sure that her motives are the best. She wasn't expressing outrage or offense or anything like that. But it really reminded me that in our society, for many people, it has nothing to do with modesty--merely the *act* of breastfeeding makes them uncomfortable.

In the interests of full-disclosure (sorry, lousy pun), I fully support a woman's right to be topless, if she desires. I bristle just a little when I hear people go on and on about nursing "discreetly". Who gets to decide if the woman is discreet enough, if not her? The Taliban? What if the baby wriggles while latching or unlatching and spectators catch a glimpse of *gasp* nipple?! There might be innocent children present! Besides the nursling, of course. We must reserve public display of breasts to advertising cars, perfume and other things--that is what they are designed for, after all. Oh. Wait...

However, like the other breastfeeding moms I know, when it comes to real-life nursing in public, it is just normal life for us. Where I go, my baby goes. If we are there for any length of time, she is likely to get hungry. When she is hungry, she nurses. That is it. I don't try to draw attention to what we are doing, any more than a bottle-feeding mom would stand on a table to proclaim her intentions. It is just what we do.

In the picture that provoked the lady's concern, there was no skin showing. I was actually looking over at our son who was goofing around and making faces. Yet because I was breastfeeding there was concern that it should be private (despite the fact that the photo was taken in a restaurant).

We have a very long way to go in our society. Many moms choose not to breastfeed, in part because of the misconception that they would have to remain housebound in order to feed the baby. Boobies and babies are both portable, and much easier than bottles (not to mention there is less clean up involved!). My state, and most others, have laws asserting that a woman has the right to breastfeed anywhere she can legally go. It can't become "normal" in our culture unless it is normal for us.