Sunday, February 26, 2012

Nuestra carta sobre la disciplina Bíblica y las nalgadas

Hace unos años, mi esposo y yo le escribimos esta carta a nuestro pastor sobre la crianza y disciplina de los niños.  Por fin, llegamos a traducirla al español.

Estimado Pastor,

Estamos muy agradecidos por todas las maneras en que Ud. nos ha ayudado a conectar de una manera más cercana con Dios. Esto, por supuesto, ha tenido una profunda influencia en nuestra manera de criar a los niños. Sin embargo, a la luz de un sermón reciente, nos gustaría presentarle una visión cristiana alternativa de disciplinar a los niños. Los cristianos, por supuesto, son probablemente los más fuertes defensores de los castigos físicos en los EEUU. Es, según dicen, su derecho dado por Dios -- es lo que la Biblia enseña. Esto es exactamente el punto de la discordia y lo que esperamos humildemente refutar.
 

Tomemos el Antiguo Testamento. Algunos (nuestros hermanos cristianos más conservadores) dirían que cubre un período de cerca de 4000-10,000 años, mientras que otros (nuestros hermanos más moderados y liberales), dirían entre 10.000 hasta millones de años. Independientemente de su punto de vista al respeto, tiene que ser asombroso que no hay ningún ejemplo de una nalgada en todo el Antiguo Testamento. Esto es especialmente impresionante si tomamos en cuenta el gran porcentaje de los libros del Antiguo Testamento que son más narrativos que didácticos. También podríamos añadir que no hay ningún ejemplo de una nalgada en el Nuevo Testamento, a pesar de que el período de tiempo es significativamente menor (alrededor de 100 años) y la mayoría de los libros es didáctica y no narrativa.  Sin duda, hay algunos pasajes didácticos en ambos Testamentos que pueden ser interpretados como pro-azotes, sin embargo, pueden ser interpretados desde una perspectiva diferente con buena exégesis.
 

¿No es extraño que una enseñanza que está tan firmemente en manos de tantos creyentes, que no haya ningún ejemplo en cualquier Testamento? Pero, aunque no hay ninguna ilustración en la narrativa bíblica de las nalgadas, si es clara y consistentemente enseñado en pasajes didácticos, entonces tenemos que aceptarlo como Dios ordenó. En el Antiguo Testamento, los únicos pasajes que pueden ser interpretados a favor de las nalgadas se encuentran en un solo libro: Proverbios. Un buen principio hermenéutico es no construir doctrina usando pasajes poéticos. Los Libros de la Sabiduría están llenos de simbolismo e hipérbole y son a menudo un obstáculo para los lectores más literales de interpretación. La "vara" en estos pasajes de Proverbios que muchos ven como una licencia para azotar es simbólico. Es palabra hebrea que se traduce a menudo como cayado de pastor o cetro de rey. Así que, si íbamos a ser más literales, una mejor traducción sería bate y no ramita! Pero eso no es la intención del autor. Esta vara es un símbolo de autoridad y guianza, como un pastor guía a sus ovejas o un rey que rige a su pueblo. Por eso el salmista pudo exclamar con alegría: "Tu vara y tu cayado me consuelan" (Salmo 23:4).  

Tal vez más importante es el significado de la palabra hebrea para "hijo."  En hebreo, es "na'ar," y significa un varón (nunca una niña) casi adulto, un joven con más de doce años.  Hay palabras bien distintas en hebreo para cada etapa de la vida: yeled (recien nacido), yonek (un bebé que solamente toma leche), olel (todavía amamanta, pero también empieza a comer, de seis meses hasta tres años), taph (un niño que está apegado a su mamá, entre cuatro y seis años), elem (un muchacho que está creciendo para ser fuerte (hasta 12 o 13 años), na'ar (un joven que empieza a separase de sus padres) y bachur (un hombre maduro, listo para casarse).    

El libro de Proverbios fue escrito principalmente para los jovenes.  Por eso está lleno de consejos y temas apropiados para ellos, como la mujer extraña.  No fue dirijido a los nenes chiquitos.  Y los versos que hablan de la disciplina usan la parabra na'ar especificamente para ellos, no para los niños menores.  Así que, en hebreo, estos versos hablan de la importancia de la autoridad y guianza en la vida de un joven casi adulto, no de nalgadas para los nenes.
 

Es un poco extraño que las personas que insisten en que los pasajes de un libro poético son un mandato, sin embargo, ignoran instrucciones claras de un pasaje didáctico en la Torá a matar a hijos rebeldes. (Deuteronomio 21:18-21). ¿Por qué la contradicción? Usted afirma que un pasaje es, obviamente, moralmente incorrecto. Consideramos que ambos son moralmente incorrectos, especialmente en vista de la culminación de la revelación progresiva de Dios --- Jesucristo, que nos enseñó, entre otras cosas, que a menos que lleguemos "a ser como niños pequeños" no podemos entrar en el reino de los cielos ( Mt. 18:3. Véase también Mateo 19:14). Implicación: los niños están más en sintonía con Dios que los adultos. Lo cual plantea la pregunta: ¿los injustos deben castigar a los justos?
 

Aunque el Antiguo Testamento es de gran valor, reconocemos que ya no estar bajo la ley cambia la forma en que se aplican algunas de las Escrituras del Antiguo Testamento a nuestra vida cotidiana. Así que, aún si las nalgadas son algo que enseña el Antiguo Testamento, no significa que son aprobadas por el Nuevo Testamento. En el Nuevo Testamento, el único pasaje que se utiliza para apoyar las nalgadas es Hebreos 12:4-6. Volviendo a la lengua original de allí, sin embargo, también cambia el significado a la importancia de la disciplina y la autoridad en la formación de un hijo, no el castigo físico. Ciertamente Dios nos disciplina, pero Él no nos golpea físicamente cuando lo hace. Lea el texto. Una exégesis adecuada muestra que las personas a favor de las nalgadas están elegiendo a leer en este pasaje el mismo punto que necesitan para probar su propio punto de vista.

Así que, si la Biblia no nos enseña a castigar con nalgadas a nuestros hijos, entonces tenemos que evaluar la disciplina de acuerdo a otros principios que la Biblia sí enseña claramente. Jesús nos enseña que tenemos dos objetivos: (1) amar a Dios con todo lo que somos y (2) tratar a los demás como nos gustaría ser tratados. No implica e
n ninguna parte que sus palabras no se aplican a la forma en que los adultos tratan a los niños. De hecho, las interacciones de Jesús con los niños mostraron un esfuerzo especial para darles valor a ellos y a sus sentimientos. También nos dice que cualquier cosa que le hacemos al más pequeño de estos que se lo estamos haciendo a él. ¿Puede decir honestamente que usted desea que alguien le golpee? Yo no. Puedo decir honestamente que me gustaría amorosa corrección e instrucción si estuviera haciendo algo malo, pero ser golpeado no sería una parte de ella.
 

El ejemplo de Jesús es que la persona con autoridad tiene una responsabilidad aún mayor para actuar en el amor que la persona bajo autoridad. Debemos demostrar el fruto del Espíritu. Pero, ¿cómo es pegar a un niño compatible con la paz, la paciencia, la bondad y gentileza? La Biblia es muy específica acerca de cómo debemos tratar con el pecado en los demás: nos enseña que en la corrección de aquellos que desobedecen a hacerlo con espíritu de mansedumbre (Gálatas 6:1). Los padres son específicamente advirtidos a no provocar a sus hijos a la ira ni a exasperación para que no se desanimen (Ef. 6:4, Col. 3:21). Cuando las personas más amadas en el mundo deliberadamente le hacen daño a su peque, es bastante desalentador,a pesar de cualquier motivo noble que ellos tengan.
 

La Biblia eñsena claramente que los padres tienen la responsabilidad de disciplinar a sus hijos. Pero la disciplina y las nalgadas no son la misma cosa. La disciplina tiene que ver con la enseñanza y hacer discípulos. Es difícil para los niños a centrarse en una lección de vida, sin embargo, si están distraídos por la ira, el dolor, el miedo o la humillación y el resentimiento que se derivan de ser golpeado. Como profesores y maestros, nuestras clases de educación profesional y nuestros años de experiencia con estudiantes de muchas edades nos han convencido de que la investigación es correcta en mostrar que la gente aprende más eficazmente a través del refuerzo positivo que del castigo (refuerzo negativo).
 

Otro punto importante es que la mayoría de nosotros aprende mejor por un ejemplo - es por eso que Pablo nos escribió a ser imitadores de él como hijos amados. Los niños son expertos en la imitación. Demasiados niños en nuestro país están aprendiendo que la manera de responder a un ofenso es herir a la otra persona.  

 Reconocemos que en otras relaciones de autoridad (empleador / empleado, oficial de policía y civiles, pastor / miembro de la iglesia, el esposo / esposa) que el castigo físico no es apropiado, aun cuando la corrección es necesaria. Los niños son más vulnerables, sin duda podemos encontrar mejores maneras de corregirlos, también.
 

Cuando los cristianos enseñan a los padres a pegar a sus hijos, la mayoría tiene una lista de reglas sobre cómo, cuándo y con qué debe hacerlo. No hay absolutamente ninguna base bíblica para eso.  Son esencialmente preferencias culturales. Siempre significa pegar a un niño con el fin de producir dolor y miedo. ¿Por qué sentimos la necesidad de crear pautas como: sólo pegarle en las nalgas o en las piernas (Proverbios nunca habla de eso--dice en la espalda para los necios, pero no habla de los hijos), sólo el X número de veces, sólo con la mano (para saber si está usando demasiada fuerza), nunca con la mano (para no crear una asociación negativa con la mano del padre). Es darle en las nalgas mejor que la práctica Waorani de abofetear a sus hijos en la cara con ortigas? ¿Por qué, si no resulta en daño permanente? Si Dios no impone un límite en el número de veces de golpear a un niño, entonces quién puede decir que pegarle nueve veces es peor que dos? Muchos adviertan que es importante no sentirse enojado al darles una nalgada.  Así es por lo menos más probabe evitar una pérdida total de control y evitar lesiones físicas y graves.  Sin embargo, ver a la persona a que Ud. ama más que cualquier otro decidir con calma y deliberación hacerle daño es una experiencia escalofriante.
 

Yo diría que la razón detrás de las normas que los cristianos crean es que nuestra conciencia nos está condenando. Estamos conscientes de que lastimar a los que son más pequeños y más débiles va en contra de la naturaleza de Cristo y sentimos la necesidad de justificar y minimizar lo que estamos haciendo en realidad.
 

Otra cuestión es que mientras el niño crece, las nalgadas cuestan más fuerza y más azotes para producir el mismo nivel de dolor y miedo. ¿A qué punto empieza a cruzar la línea al abuso? Por supuesto, la mayoría de los padres dejan de castigarlos físicamente una vez que el niño comience a acercarse a ellos en tamaño y madurez. Estamos de acuerdo en que entonces es más apropiado utilizar la admonición bíblica: "Venid ahora, razonemos juntos ...". Si el niño tiene edad suficiente para entender, las nalgadas no son necesarias. Si el niño es demasiado joven para hablar del asunto con sus padres y tener suficiente dominio propio a controlar sus impulsos (según las investigaciones científicas, el cerebro no es suficiente maduro para hacer tales decisiones por muchos años), entonces el niño es demasiado joven para comprender efectivamente lo que los padres están tratando de enseñar, y castigarlo es cruel y sin sentido.
 

La falsa dicotomía que siempre se sugiere es que si los padres no pegan a sus hijos, tampoco los disciplinan. Eso sugiere que los padres recurren a las nalgadas como su forma principal o única de la disciplina. No queremos decir que los padres sean permisivos y peresozos. La responsabilidad de los padres a disciplinar a sus hijos es grave, incluso temible. Al optar por no pegar, hemos adquirido un conocimiento más profundo de los corazones de nuestros hijos. Se nos ha desafiado a lidiar con la ira y el orgullo, y buscar la sabiduría de Dios, su paciencia y amor. Esta manera proactiva de crianza es más trabajo que simplemente reaccionar con una nalgada, pero ya las recompensas han sido grandes.
 

Hay muchas formas alternativas de disciplina que resultan en armonía y con renovada conexión entre el padre y el niño. Enseñar a un niño a hacer el bien es mucho más eficaz que castigarlo después por hacer el mal. Cuando nosotros como padres obedecemos a nuestra directiva para tratar a los demás como queremos ser tratados, nos da la abilidad de ver las cosas detrás de los ojos del niño y tratar con la raíz del problema y no sólo la supresión de un comportamiento externo. Es asombroso ver como rompe un ciclo de irritabilidad y frustración cuando el padre elige a disciplinar a través de la restauración de la relación. Muchos padres asumen que un "time out" es la opción por defecto si los padres no pegan a sus hijos. Sin embargo, a menudo lo que los niños necesitan es más tiempo con los padres para volver a conectar, inspirar confianza y restaurar. Sin añadir más a esta carta larga, si usted está interesado en otras maneras de disciplinar, estaremos encantados de explicar cómo manejar situaciones específicas o dirigirte a las fuentes que hemos encontrado beneficiosos.
 

El plan detrás de la redención es claro: Dios quiere volver a conectar con nosotros. Toda la historia de la ley muestra que sólo castigar el pecado no puede cambiar el corazón. Lo que cambia los corazones de nuestros hijos es la relación. La obediencia nace del amor y la confianza en lugar de un deseo egoísta de evitar el castigo. Si los niños obedecen simplemente por temor a ser azotado, su motivación no es justo, pero sólo centrado en sí mismo.
 

Como hijo de Dios, mi obediencia no se basa en el temor del castigo. No es motivado por miedo del infierno. Es porque amo a mi Padre celestial y he aprendido a confiar en él.  Mis hijos están aprendiendo a obedecer por las mismas razones. Si mis hijos hacen mal y se arrepienten, pero yo les doy una nalgada, parece muy inconsistente con la forma en que Dios ha perdonado mis errores. Tengo la responsabilidad de mostrar la misma gracia a mis hijos que he recibido. Es la bondad de Dios que nos lleva al arrepentimiento, no su ira.
 

Hemos optado por mirar esto desde una perspectiva cristiana, pero nos parece interesante que la investigación científica está abrumadoramente en contra de las nalgadas. La Academia Americana de Pediatría, al igual que muchas otras organizaciones profesionales relacionadas con niños y la salud, ha emitido una declaración contra el castigo corporal en la base de que no es tan eficaz como refuerzo positivo y que puede ser perjudicial tanto física como emocionalmente. De hecho, hay algunos indicios de que las nalgadas se asocian con el aumento de delincuentes y antisociales, mayor riesgo de abuso y maltrato conyugal, el aumento de riesgo de agresión infantil y la agresión de adultos, la disminución de la salud mental infantil y la disminución de la salud mental de adultos. Tenga en cuenta esto a la luz de la advertencia de Jesús contra los que causan los más pequeños a tropezar.  Hay más de 30 naciones, incluso Israel, que tienen leyes prohibiendo las nalgadas.
 

A veces es difícil discernir lo que la Biblia enseña sobre temas específicos. Usted utiliza a menudo la ilustración de Dios jugando a las escondidas con el fin de animarnos a buscarlo con todo nuestro corazón. Sobre el tema de las nalgadas, nos ha dado destellos de su corazón - la parábola del siervo despiadado (Mt 18,21-35), I Juan 4, Santiago 2:13. Ninguno de estos sugiere ignorar o excusar el pecado, pero todos nos enseñan a ser humildes y amorosos mientras intentamos mostrar a los demás, independientemente de su edad, una mejor manera.
 

Para terminar, escribirmos esto por nuestro respeto para usted. Sabemos que usted es alguien que tiene el coraje de mirar más allá de las respuestas fáciles y superficiales, y la integridad de tener convicciones que no son populares. Créanos, en los círculos cristianos, diciplinar sin nalgadas es equivalente a la herejía, pero es una causa muy digna. Nosotros los queremos mucho a usted y su familia y estamos agradecidos de que Dios nos ha puesto bajo su dirección espiritual. Que Dios bendiga a usted y su familia. Carlos y Dulce

Friday, February 17, 2012

The 10 Commandments for Parents: Taking His Name in Vain

The single greatest cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, then walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable. ~ Brennan Manning
Taking God's name in vain, in my mind, is far deeper than the words we exclaim in intense moments.  The real heart of this commandment is about how we live.  If we are called by His name, we need to act like Jesus would.  We color our children's perception of God, and the weight of that responsibility leaves me gasping some days.

As I have mentioned before, I grew up in the ministry.  Parents, grandparents and parents in law were all pastors.  I've seen the good, the bad and the ugly.  My husband and I have heard all the jokes and stories about preachers' kids.  We know about hypocrisy and how damaging it can be.

But I stumble.  So many days (every day?) I slip into self-centeredness.  I feel that tightness at the corners of my mouth, hear the voice of the Accuser in an angry sigh from my own mouth.  I fight to cling to gentleness when the littles are arguing, interrupting again some task I am desperate to finish...

Our youngest daughter's name means "true image".  That is what we want to be to our children.  A true image of love and grace, so that their vision of the Father won't be horribly distorted and clouded.  I rail (justly, I think) at the hypocrisy of religious teachers who claim mercy and forgiveness through the cross for adults, but insist that children pay for their sins through spankings and punishments.  Yet there are days when I want vengeance, too.

That mocking voice that jeers, "Who are you to write about parenting?" gets disturbingly loud sometimes.

The truth is that the only way to escape taking God's name in vain is to dwell in Him.  To abide in the vine.  That looks like relationship.  Spending time together.  Not in an oh-no-on-top-of-everything-else-obligatory-spiritual-quiet-time-that-I-would-look-forward-to-if-I-were-a-better-Christian way.  (Shudder).  Not another way to fail.  It looks like the evenings when my headache eases because I am resting against Carlos' chest.   Like when we laugh together and carry on a conversation despite a zillion interruptions because we know each other enough to follow along anyway.  Like the times that our eyes meet and we can't help but smile.  Like that.

I am convinced that if we spend enough time with Him, our clothes will start to smell like God's house.  "So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience..."(Col. 3:12)


I breathe in grace and put on compassion and kindness, even if they fit a bit awkwardly.  

And I can trust in His power at work in my life that is helping me grow into His image and likeness.  

Taking someone's name is about becoming family.  What I want my children to see is that relationship.  Jesus said that we would be recognized as His because of love.  As a daughter of God, a mother to my children and a sister to them in Christ (why isn't this aspect talked about more in Christian parenting circles?), I want love to permeate every aspect of our days, to clothe all our interactions so that they never have to wonder if I have taken that name in vain. 


Because I can't be the only one who gets this song stuck in my head whenever I read the opening quote to this post. ;)

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Journey to Gentle Discipline: Guest Post from Momma on a Mission

I am always so excited to hear of other journeys to gentle discipline.  It is especially cool when it happens through the Holy Spirit and friends of mine.  I am so grateful both to Anna and Guggie for their friendship, inspiration and all that I learn from them.  You make my life richer!  <3

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I'm pretty new to the concept of non-punitive parenting. Finding my way here has been a long, difficult, and frustrating road for me, but I feel like I've finally come home! I'm going to share a little bit of my story with you today, but just the condensed version because there's something else I want to share with you too.

I grew up in a very pro-spanking home. We were taught that spanking was God's plan, and the only way to raise kids to be Godly adults. So when I became an adult and started having kids of my own, I naturally carried that belief forward with me. Even as I started to question what I'd been taught about birth, breastfeeding, food, women's roles and just about everything else, spanking somehow slid under the radar, safe in it's little pigeonhole in my mind. I thought I was doing something good and "modern" by being open to using other tools too, and saying that different things worked for different kids, and maybe spanking wasn't right for everyone. I definitely thought it was still right for us though!

A couple of months after my son was born, I became friends with Guggie Daly on Facebook. If you know Guggie, you know she's a strong advocate for anything relating to mothers' and child's rights. She's constantly sharing information and starting the most interesting discussions. I liked her! Finally- someone who believed the way I did about birth and breastfeeding! And she seemed to take things to the next level too- I learned so much from her those first couple of months. I also noticed that she was very much anti-spanking. I'd see her post things that spoke out against spanking, or tried to show a different way, and I thought it was a little misguided. I was okay with that though! I told myself that I didn't have to agree with everything that Guggie believed in to be her facebook friend. Just agree to disagree, right? I told myself that she just probably didn't know what the Bible said about spanking, or that she'd taken this hippie thing a little too far. When she'd post something about spanking, I'd usually chuckle to myself and move on.

Until one day, what seemed like out of the blue, I started to struggle within myself about the issue. My heart just couldn't handle spanking my daughter anymore. I still believed in it in my head, but my heart couldn't handle it anymore- and I was totally shocked by that. I had no idea what was going on or what to do with those feelings. I felt like a horrible mother, and some days I felt like I just hated being a mom. I had so looked forward to having kids, and this was not what I expected at all. I lived in a miserable state of limbo, until one day I was on Facebook and Guggie had gone on a positive parenting posting spree again. I knew something about what I was doing had to change, so I took a chance and clicked on one of the links. And for the first time, something clicked in my mind. It was like a light bulb had been turned on. I truly believe it was the Lord that had lead me to that time and place. I finished one article, and clicked to the next, and the next, and the next. And I knew that something permanent had been done in my heart.

baby3.jpg
Image credit ericmcgregor on Flickr
As they say, the rest is history. Actually, more like history in the making. I've come a long way, but I still have so much to learn. One of the coolest things about the whole process has been watching how God has worked in my heart and even spoken to me directly a time or two. There's one experience in particular I don't think I'll ever forget, and that is what I want to share with you. It had been a particularly rough day, and I was nearing the end of my patience. My kiddos(I have a 3.5 year old and an almost 2 year old) were playing together as I was trying to get something done. I heard my younger one start to cry, and I rushed into the room to separate them for what seemed like the thousandth time. My daughter was nearly on top of my son, pulling on his shirt as he tried to get away. I was so frustrated that I quickly grabbed her up, set her down harshly on the bed, and started yelling at her, "Don't do that! You need to stop. making. him. cry!!!" As her little face melted into tears, I heard the Holy Spirit speak softly into my heart:


"No, you need to stop making her cry."


That cut me to my core. I do need to stop making her cry. And I am. I'm working every day to learn how to be a gentle, loving mother that reflects Christ's love to my children. I'm not perfect, but I'm learning and growing. And for the first time in a long time, I don't feel like a failure as a mother.

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Anna blogs at Momma on a Mission, where she shares her heart and her efforts to build a healthy and happy life for her family. She's blessed to have been married for almost 7 years, and to be a mother to a 2 year old son and 3.5 year old daughter. Anna's interested in all things attachment parenting, but her two biggest passions are birth and breastfeeding. She hopes to be a doula or midwife someday, and to help women during one of the most amazing moments this life has to offer.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

The Tightrope : Generations, Cultures and Choices


Welcome to the February 2012 Carnival of Natural Parenting: 
Respectful Interactions With Other Parents
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have focused on how we can communicate with other parents compassionately.
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Growing up between two cultures gives you a lot of practice in balance. And once you become a parent, you may find  you are spending more time than ever on the tightrope.

How do you keep from falling when you are trying to forge a new path as parents, especially when your own parents disapprove of your choices?
balancing culture is a tightrope walk
Image credit Tom Raftery on Flickr

Much of the advice that I have read seems callous and patronizing. In a culture where you move out once you hit 18, may only speak with your parents once a week or so, if you have a good relationship, where outside baby sitters are the norm and independence is prized, there seems to be little understanding of our view of familia or the importance of closeness with the abuelitos and the heartache on both sides at conflict in the relationship.

We don't have that safety net of distance. The line between extended family and nuclear family gets blurred a bit when you take for granted that you will see each other weekly, as well as for every family birthday and all holidays.  It is just understood that eventually your parents will move in with you as they age and need more care.  We talk on the phone every day.  We don't even have a baby sitter who isn't familia.  And we want all this.


Parenting Differently

I didn’t set out to do things differently than my parents. I thought that they did a pretty good job with me and we have a good relationship. But the more I read and studied, talked things over with my husband and prayed, the more we were led to our own path.

On the surface, we made opposite choices on just about everything from birth to breastfeeding to sleep training to discipline. At times I felt torn between my convictions about parenting and distress at the idea of hurting our parents or seeming disrespectful.

I wanted to have my parents’ approval and for them to understand the reasons behind our choices. In fact, my eagerness had me bombarding them with every fragment of research and information I could find. I filibustered like a practiced politician on vaccination, homebirth, circumcision and gentle discipline. Deep down, I hoped that hearing all of the research and knowledge that went into my choices would help. Instead, I suspect that at times it came across as saying that they were ignorant.

I also found that many non-Hispanic friends didn’t seem to understand how agonizing it could be — most advice just seemed to suggest putting my foot down and saying, “I am the parent and you had your chance. Now you have to do things my way.” I didn’t just want the bottom line to be that we did what we wanted. I wanted to make sure our relationship wasn’t damaged.
I wanted my kids to grow up close to their abuelitos, and to trust them in their care without conflict. I wanted my parents and in-laws to know that we honored and respected them, but I also wanted them to do things our way. That is a lot to ask.
One of the most helpful things was listening, really listening, as my mom shared stories about my childhood. Some of the choices that she made went against her own heart. Like most of us, she was relying on experts around her to help her mother. When they told her that the only way babies would learn to sleep was if they were left to cry, or that breastfeeding was worthless after six months, or that children must be spanked, she sacrificed her own instincts to do what she thought was right. Being able to affirm her heart and her instincts helped both of us.

It also helps to find ways to validate their desires. Is your suegra really just not happy unless someone is eating? Does she just want a chance to hold the baby for a minute or to feel like her advice is useful? Then give it to her.  Try: “Thanks, but I’m waiting on solid food right now. But I would love for you to share the recipe with me!” or  ”I bet she would love to have you sing her that old lullaby that you used to sing to her papi.” Or:  ”Could you burp him for me?”

Even more meaningful may be finding ways to thank your parents for the things that they did right in raising you, and remind them that they helped you to become the loving, confident parent you are now. They need to hear that they are good parents, just like we do.

Honor and Healthy Boundaries

There are still areas where we disagree, though. In fact, most of them. And it is very, very hard to hold healthy boundaries. I would much rather avoid bringing up disagreements. There are some things where I have decided that it won’t hurt my children to know that good people don’t always do things the same way (food, praise). There are others where I feel that I have to protect them (car seats, spanking). It is awkward and even painful at times. However, how can I teach my children about healthy ways to handle disagreements and standing firm in their convictions if they don’t see me practice it?

I know that my parents love me and their nietos with all their hearts. Even when we disagree, our motives are the same.

The truth is that almost always, we are making the best choices we can for our families. My parents did. And so did their parents. Another thing that I learned was that my parents chose to be kinder and more gentle with us than their own parents were with them. That is not a criticism of my grandparents, who are wonderful people and full of love.  But, my grandparents also were kinder, better parents to my parents than their parents were to them. Each generation has grown progressively more gentle.
My choices are not a statement against my parents. Rather, it is thanks to their way of parenting me that I was able to have greater tools and resources to parent my own children even more gently.
We are going to slip off of that tightrope and fall as parents sometimes. Real life is just messy like that. But we can honor our parents and help our children to develop close relationships, even when we choose to do things in a different way.  And shared love for our children and each other is a wonderful safety net.



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Carnival of Natural Parenting -- Hobo Mama and Code Name: MamaVisit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be live and updated by afternoon February 14 with all the carnival links.)

  • How to Respond Respectfully to Unwanted Parenting Advice and Judgment — At Natural Parents Network, Amy (of Peace 4 Parents) offers some ways to deal with parenting advice and criticism, whether it's from your mom or the grocery store clerk.
  • Judgement is Natural - Just Don't Condemn — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama shared her views on why judgment is unavoidable and why the bigger issue is condemnation.
  • Four Ways To Share Your Parenting Philosophy Gently — Valerie at Momma in Progress shares tips for communicating with fellow parents in a positive, peaceful manner.
  • When Other Parents Disagree With You — Being an attachment parent is hard enough, but when you are Lily, aka Witch Mom, someone who does not enforce gender roles on her kid, who devalues capitalism and materialism, and instead prefers homeschooling and homesteading — you are bound to disagree with someone, somewhere!
  • Mama Bashing — Lucy at Dreaming Aloud reflects on the hurt caused on the blogosphere by mama bashing and pleads for a more mindful way of dealing with differences.
  • Accentuate the Positive — Joella at Fine and Fair shares how she manages interactions with the parents she encounters in her work as a Parent Coach and Substance Abuse Counselor by building trusting relationships and affirming strengths.
  • The politics of mothers – keys to respectful interactions with other parents — Tara from MUMmedia offers great tips for handling the inevitable conflict of ideas and personalities in parenting/mother's groups, etc.
  • Trying to build our village — Sheila at A Gift Universe tells how she went from knowing no other moms in her new town to building a real community of mothers.
  • Internet Etiquette in the Mommy Wars — Shannon at The Artful Mama discusses how she handles heated topics in the "Mommy-space" online.
  • Parenting with Convictions — Sarah at Parenting God's Children encourages love and support for fellow parents and their convictions.
  • How To Be Respectful Despite Disagreeing On Parenting Styles... — Jenny at I'm a Full-Time Mummy shares her two cents' worth on how to have respectful interactions with other parents despite disagreeing on parenting styles.
  • Public RelationsMomma Jorje touches on keeping the peace when discussing parenting styles.
  • Navigating Parenting Politics — Since choosing an alternative parenting style means rejecting the mainstream, Miriam at The Other Baby Book shares a few simple tips that can help avoid hurt feelings.
  • Hiding in my grace cave — Lauren at Hobo Mama wants to forget that not all parents are as respectful and tolerant as the people with whom she now surrounds herself.
  • Carnival of Natural Parenting - Respectful Interactions with Other Parents — Wolfmother at Fabulous Mama Chronicles explores how her attitude has changed regarding sharing information and opinions with others and how she now chooses to keep the peace during social outings.
  • Empathy and respect — Helen at zen mummy tries to find her zen in the midst of the Mummy Wars.
  • Not Holier Than Thou — Amyables at Toddler in Tow muses about how she's learned to love all parents, despite differences, disagreements, and awkward conversations.
  • Nonviolent Communication and Unconditional Love — Wendylori at High Needs Attachment reflects on the choice to not take offense as the key to honest and open communication.
  • Respectful Parenting As a Way of Life — Sylvia at MaMammalia writes about using her parenting philosophy as a guide to dealing with other parents who make very different choices from her.
  • Homeschooling: Why Not? — Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling shares how parents can often make homeschooling work for their family even if, at first glance, it may seem daunting.
  • If You Can’t Say Something Nice… — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now tells her philosophy for online and offline interactions … a philosophy based primarily on a children’s movie.
  • Different Rules for Different Families — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children discusses how differences between families affect our children, and how that can be a good thing.
  • Respectful Interaction With Other Parents — Luschka at Diary of a First Child shares the ways she surrounds herself with a like-minded support network, so that she can gently advocate in her dealings with those whose opinions on parenting differ vastly from her own.
  • Parenting as a mirror — Rather than discrediting others' parenting styles, Kate Wicker discusses why she tries to focus on doing right rather than being right — and why she’s also not afraid to show others that she’s a heartfelt but imperfect mama just trying to be the best mom for her family.
  • The One Thing {Most} Parents Have In Common: They Try Their Best — Christine at African Babies Don't Cry finds interacting with other parents easier once she accepts that they are all just trying their best, just like her.
  • Finding your mama-groove: 5 ways to eliminate judge/be judged metalityMudpieMama reveals 5 ways of thinking that have helped her find her mama-groove and better navigate tricky parenting discussions.
  • Speaking Up For Those Who Can't — We've all had those moments when someone said something hurtful or insensitive, or downright rude that just shocks you to your core, and you're stunned into silence. Afterwards, you go home and think "Gosh, I wish I said…" This post by Arpita at Up Down, And Natural is for all the breastfeeding mamas who have thought "Gosh, I wish I said…"
  • Thank you for your opinion — Gaby at Tmuffin shares her go-to comment when she feels like others are judging her parenting style.
  • Mending — A playground conversation about jeans veers off course until a little mending by Kenna at Million Tiny Things is needed.
  • The Thing You Don't Know — Kelly at Becoming Crunchy talks about what she believes is one of the most important things you can consider when it comes to compassionate communication with other parents.
  • 3 Tips for Interacting with Other Parents Respectfully When You Disagree with Them — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares what she has learned about respectful interactions on her parenting journey.
  • Peacefully Keeping My Cool: Quotes from Ana — How do you keep your cool? Ana from Pandamoly shares some of her favorite retorts and conversation starters when her Parenting Ethos comes into question.
  • Kind Matters — Carrie at Love Notes Mama discusses how she strives to be the type of person she'd want to meet.
  • Doing it my way but respecting your highway. — Terri from Child of the Nature Isle is determined to walk with her family on the road less travelled whether you like it or not!
  • Saying "I'm Right and You're Wrong" Seldom Does Much To Improve Your Cause... — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment writes about how living by example motivates her actions and interactions with others.
  • Have another kid and you won't care — Cassie of There's a Pickle in My Life, after having her second child, knows exactly how to respond to opposing advice.
  • Ten Tips to Communicate Respectfully, Even When You Disagree — What if disagreements with our partners, our children or even complete strangers ultimately led to more harmony and deeper connections? They can! Dionna at Code Name: Mama shares ten tips to strengthen our relationships in the midst of conflict.
  • A Little Light Conversation — Zoie at TouchstoneZ explains why respect needs to be given to every parent unconditionally.
  • Why I used to hide the formula box — Laura at Pug in the Kitchen finally talks about how judgement between parents changed her views on how she handles differences in parenting.
  • Assumptions — Nada at minimomist discusses how not everyone is able to nurse, physically, mentally, or emotionally.
  • Shushing Your Inner Judgey McJudgerson — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction knows that judging others is easy to do, but recognizing that we all parent from different perspectives takes work.
  • Respectfully Interacting with Others Online — Lani at Boobie Time Blog discusses the importance of remaining respectful behind the disguise of the internet.
  • Presumption of Good Will — Why — and how — Crunchy Con Mommy is going to try to assume the best of people she disagrees with on important issues.
  • Being Gracious with Parenting Advice — Tips for giving and receiving parenting advice with grace from Lisa at My World Edenwild.
  • Explain, Smile, Escape — Don't know what to do when you're confronted by another parent who disagrees with you? Amy at Anktangle shares a story from her life along with a helpful method for navigating these types of tricky situations (complete with a handy flow chart!).
  • Balancing Cultures and ChoicesDulce de leche discusses the challenges of walking the tightrope between generations while balancing cultural and family ties.
  • Linky - Parenting Peacefully with Social MediaHannabert's Mom discusses parenting in a social media world.


Monday, February 6, 2012

The Practice of Breathing in Grace

There is tremendous, life-giving power in being enjoyed. But it is difficult to lay hold of sometimes. How many of us are still struggling to believe even now that God actually enjoys us? How easy is it to water down our perception of extravagant love to mean He tolerates us? I want my children to know they are enjoyed. Loved AND liked. Even that I delight in them, so that they will believe in their heart of hearts that their Heavenly Father delights in them, too. So that they can know the height and breadth and the depth of Christ's love for us.

Shame is ugly. It preys and gnaws on our hearts. So in the practice of enjoying my children I must guard against becoming the voice of shame that will whisper to them thirty years from now that they are disappointing. The rolled eyes and exasperated sigh at yet another mess to clean up. The pursed lips, flared nostrils and accusing gaze. I have been so guilty. And it breaks my heart because some days, despite all I want to be and believe, I still hear the voice of the Accuser in my own. Those are the days when I must deliberately apologize, acknowledge to them that I was wrong and speak Truth and Life over their hearts, to do my best to help heal the wounds I inflicted with a hard focus on temporal things instead of that which is eternal.

I am learning to breathe in grace. To inhale a deep lungful of tenderness. I'm not as consistent as I want to be yet, but these are my baby steps:
  • Surrounding myself with voices of grace. Making sure my newsfeed is full of encouragement for gentle parenting. Avoiding punitive, shame filled sources.  I find that the things I read stay with me, regardless of my conscious thoughts about it.
  • Self care (I get reeeeeally grouchy if I don't get enough protein).  Also?  I self-medicate with copious amounts of coffee and chocolate.  I am OK with that.
  • Silent talk my way through old recordings.  You know the ones.  Those phrases that automatically playback, maybe even from your own childhood.  "You know better than that! I can't believe that you... Do you understand me?!"  Force yourself to be silent while those thoughts pass through your mind, and once they are out of the way you can focus on productive ways to respond. 
  • Stop, look, and listen.  Stop playing with the phone or computer (ouch!).  Look at their eyes. That's a big one for me. If I can hold eye contact long enough I start to really see them. Listen.  Closely enough to be able to repeat it and ask questions, not just nodding and Mhmm-ing.  They always have something to say that is worth listening to.
  • Go someplace. Just getting out of the house helps sometimes, especially if it means a guaranteed 15 minutes of calm driving time without anyone climbing on me. By the time we reach out destination I am usually recharged. (And yes, I often play a CD, either soothing or loud enough to drown out any fussing).  Sunshine is always a plus, but any change in scenery is usually good.
  • Change your perception. I used to look at the clock every time the baby woke and start calculating complicated formulas of how much sleep I had gotten or could possibly get. If x = the number of minutes it takes to get back to sleep, and y = the time when I have to get up....argh! I don't even like math! Once I started reveling in that peaceful time as the quietest time of the day, a moment to breathe in the scent of my baby's head as she nursed, to pour out my soul to God and listen to His heartbeat, it transformed the resentment and frustration into moments of rest and peace. 
  • Be silly. Let loose your inner goofball! Sometimes (Always) it is a little corny, but it is still fun. I am not especially creative.  And I am a dismal failure at craftsy stuff.  But I can sing nonsense songs off-key, do silly voices and funny faces.  Also?  They aren't super critical, yet.  If I indoctrinate them early, maybe they will always appreciate my Bill Cosby wannabe attempts.
  • Focus on what you want to be, not fear of failure.  Remind yourself of what your long-term goals are, not just how you feel in the moment.  20 years from now, what will matter?  Not the carpet.  But what I taught her about handling mistakes--her own and others'-- will.
  • Make it a practice to speak words of blessing over them daily.   And when you talk to them or about them, assign positive intent--instead of imagining evil motives, think of how you would approach a dear friend in the same situation.
  • Make amends when you do mess up.   Apologize specifically and work on ways to restore connection and relationship.
My kids are enjoyable.  In fact, they are full of awesome.  It really isn't hard to enjoy them.  But I do need to be mindful of how I parent so that they will know how much I enjoy them.  So that the voice they hear inside as adults isn't one of sighing or shame, but one of delight, affirmation, joy and truth.

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EmergingMummy.comThis post was written for the Carnival of the Practices of Parenting by one of the most inspirational, brilliant writers out there, Sarah Bessey at Emerging Mummy.  Her posts always are filled with the fragrance of grace.  Please visit and read all of the other linked posts!  I know you will find chocolate for your heart there.


Saturday, February 4, 2012

Wifely Submission, Part IV: What God has Joined Together

What does Jesus teach about Godly marriage?  As with many other topics, He was succinct.
Jesus answered, "Haven't you read that he who created in the beginning made people male and female and said, 'for this reason a person will leave his father and mother and be united with his wife and the two will become a single body?  Thus they are no longer two but a single body.  So then what God has united, no one is to break apart!" ~ Mt. 19:4-6 The Source

Jesus was reinforcing God's original design.  Unity.  Echad.  Plural oneness.  There is no tearing asunder into a strict hierarchy here: for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and become the spiritual leader of his family, and his wife shall joyfully obey.  Nope.  Jesus' focus was on two becoming one.

ashley & adam engagement
Holding hands, shared vision.  <3
Joining together brings a picture of both partners moving in the same direction at the same time, a mutual coming together.  Not a picture of one partner dragging a lesser partner.  Not even a picture of one partner leading a willing follower.  What I see in a Godly marriage is both partners joining together in seeking after God.

It is also interesting to note that every time the disciples looked for hierarchy and recognition of their position over someone else, Jesus blasted that notion to smithereens.  He told them over and over with words and actions that trying to decide who was over another person was missing the point entirely.  Instead of trying to dominate, they should serve each other with humility. 

I know a lot of people want to establish hierarchy in marriage.  They want to insist that men be over women.  I suspect that they, too, are grasping at a worldly model.  There is nothing in the Gospels to indicate that Jesus wanted marriage to be a hierarchy.  His goal was oneness.  Joining together.

What about different roles?  I have heard some argue that while both man and wife are equal in value, they have different roles.  The problem is that they then go on to define those roles for all men and women.  And somehow it turns out that the role for men is always over the woman. That whole separate but equal thing?  In my experience, it is pretty much the same as it was for racists fighting the Civil Rights movement--an empty platitude for maintaining the rights of one group over another while claiming not to.  If one has power and the other doesn't, it isn't equal.

The bottom line to me is that from Creation through the Gospels, God's design is for shared vision and unity.  There is no indication whatsoever that His plan involves a hierarchy--everything that we have looked at so far would indicate that the idea of only the wife submitting is a distortion of God's image.  But wait!  What about Ephesians?  Other passages in the New Testament?  We will tackle those soon.  ;)  In the meantime, let's focus on what true unity means, and rejoice in being joined together.



Image credit: nessa k on Flickr

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Read the whole series :)