The Practice of Breathing in Grace

There is tremendous, life-giving power in being enjoyed. But it is difficult to lay hold of sometimes. How many of us are still struggling to believe even now that God actually enjoys us? How easy is it to water down our perception of extravagant love to mean He tolerates us? I want my children to know they are enjoyed. Loved AND liked. Even that I delight in them, so that they will believe in their heart of hearts that their Heavenly Father delights in them, too. So that they can know the height and breadth and the depth of Christ's love for us.

Shame is ugly. It preys and gnaws on our hearts. So in the practice of enjoying my children I must guard against becoming the voice of shame that will whisper to them thirty years from now that they are disappointing. The rolled eyes and exasperated sigh at yet another mess to clean up. The pursed lips, flared nostrils and accusing gaze. I have been so guilty. And it breaks my heart because some days, despite all I want to be and believe, I still hear the voice of the Accuser in my own. Those are the days when I must deliberately apologize, acknowledge to them that I was wrong and speak Truth and Life over their hearts, to do my best to help heal the wounds I inflicted with a hard focus on temporal things instead of that which is eternal.

I am learning to breathe in grace. To inhale a deep lungful of tenderness. I'm not as consistent as I want to be yet, but these are my baby steps:

• Renewing my mind. Learning what age appropriate behavior looks like, and gentle ways to help teach.

• Surrounding myself with voices of grace. Making sure my newsfeed is full of encouragement for gentle parenting. Avoiding punitive, shame filled sources.  I find that the things I read stay with me, regardless of my conscious thoughts about it.

• Self care (I get reeeeeally grouchy if I don't get enough protein).  Also?  I self-medicate with copious amounts of coffee and chocolate.  I am OK with that.

• Silent talk my way through old recordings.  You know the ones.  Those phrases that automatically playback, maybe even from your own childhood.  "You know better than that! I can't believe that you... Do you understand me?!"  Force yourself to be silent while those thoughts pass through your mind, and once they are out of the way you can focus on productive ways to respond. 

• Stop, look, and listen.  Stop playing with the phone or computer (ouch!).  Look at their eyes. That's a big one for me. If I can hold eye contact long enough I start to really see them. Listen.  Closely enough to be able to repeat it and ask questions, not just nodding and Mhmm-ing.  They always have something to say that is worth listening to.

• Go someplace. Just getting out of the house helps sometimes, especially if it means a guaranteed 15 minutes of calm driving time without anyone climbing on me. By the time we reach out destination I am usually recharged. (And yes, I often play a CD, either soothing or loud enough to drown out any fussing).  Sunshine is always a plus, but any change in scenery is usually good.

• Change your perception. I used to look at the clock every time the baby woke and start calculating complicated formulas of how much sleep I had gotten or could possibly get. If x = the number of minutes it takes to get back to sleep, and y = the time when I have to get up....argh! I don't even like math! Once I started reveling in that peaceful time as the quietest time of the day, a moment to breathe in the scent of my baby's head as she nursed, to pour out my soul to God and listen to His heartbeat, it transformed the resentment and frustration into moments of rest and peace. 

• Be silly. Let loose your inner goofball! Sometimes (Always) it is a little corny, but it is still fun. I am not especially creative.  And I am a dismal failure at craftsy stuff.  But I can sing nonsense songs off-key, do silly voices and funny faces.  Also?  They aren't super critical, yet.  If I indoctrinate them early, maybe they will always appreciate my Bill Cosby wannabe attempts.

• Focus on what you want to be, not fear of failure.  Remind yourself of what your long-term goals are, not just how you feel in the moment.  20 years from now, what will matter?  Not the carpet.  But what I taught her about handling mistakes--her own and others'-- will.

• Let your kids coach you--tell them to speak up if you slip.

• Make it a practice to speak words of blessing over them daily.   And when you talk to them or about them, assign positive intent--instead of imagining evil motives, think of how you would approach a dear friend in the same situation.

• Make amends when you do mess up.   Apologize specifically and work on ways to restore connection and relationship.

My kids are enjoyable.  In fact, they are full of awesome.  It really isn't hard to enjoy them.  But I do need to be mindful of how I parent so that they will know how much I enjoy them.  So that the voice they hear inside as adults isn't one of sighing or shame, but one of delight, affirmation, joy and truth.

********************

This post was written for the Carnival of the Practices of Parenting by one of the most inspirational, brilliant writers out there, Sarah Bessey at Emerging Mummy.  Her posts always are filled with the fragrance of grace.  Please visit and read all of the other linked posts!  I know you will find chocolate for your heart there.