It turns out that my
- Sharpie generators. I learned quickly that kids and permanent markers don't mix. At first, I merely hid the markers. When that proved ineffective, I tossed them and only purchased washable ones. Once I discovered to my dismay that the washable part of that was not a guarantee, I stopped buying them altogether. That was years ago. Despite ruthless, swift destruction of every marker that we find, they continually appear. My husband and I gaze at each other in consternation. Suspicious accusations, "Did you buy that?" followed by sincerely horrified, indignant denials have convinced both of us that our children possess a remarkable ability to replicate them out of thin air. Or possibly transform them from ordinary socks or hair clips, which always go missing.
- Levitation. I used to wish I could fly, and even jumped from our (low) roof with a trash-bag parachute once. My children can do the real thing. Not always, of course. But if anything (such as the aforementioned markers, lipstick, my chocolate stash or any other forbidden object) is placed up high, they develop ninja skills more convincing than any of the old Japanese movies. Even the toddler can ascend to the top of the refrigerator in a split second.
- Interruptor sensors. Forget shining the bat signal. My children have a much more reliable sensor that detects not only when I am on an important phone call or conversation, but is even attuned to the exact degree of urgency or seriousness involved. They will be happily engaged, playing quietly until it begins. Their sensor instantly alerts them. If it is a casual chat with a friend, they will have correspondingly casual questions or requests. If it is my boss or something similar, they will not rest until they have succeeded in diffusing the call, using ear-splitting shrieks as needed.
- Techno prowess. I consider myself reasonably competent when it comes to electronics. Even when VCRs were common, I never had problems programming them. The digital clock on our stove always tells the correct time. My children, though, surpass me by far. They have all possessed an uncanny, infallible instinct from babyhood for pressing the precise button to delete saved programs, turn off any show a sibling was watching, and erase any document I was working on. I won't even mention the number of deleted apps. Even if they were still crawling, they would somehow use the aforementioned ninja skills to reach buttons that were, to all appearances, far out of reach. On a related note, they are also able to cause remotes to materialize and dematerialize at will.