How Would Jesus Parent? ~ Guest Post from Sam Martin

I am so incredibly honored to have a guest post from Sam Martin, author of Thy Rod and Thy Staff, They Comfort Me:  Christians and the Spanking Controversy.  Sam is a Biblical scholar for whom I have tremendous respect, and his work to support more families in a greater understanding of grace-filled parenting is bearing tremendous fruit.  Along with his excellent work regarding corporal punishment, I am very excited about his studies and writings regarding the role of women.  He has some amazing articles in the works that you will not want to miss! 

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How would Jesus parent? This, in fact, is a topic of great interest on the web. Numerous magazine articles, a book, scores of blog posts and opinions with a whole range of views and counterviews.

Dulce has a wonderful post titled: Biblical Instructions for Discipline: How Should a Christian Parent?  I found this post to be a real blessing.

Before reading Dulce’s post I was thinking on this issue, so we’ve both decided to give a go at talking about a specific text in this light of asking the question of: How would Jesus Parent?”

I think most of us will admit that there are not too many specific texts where we could point to and say that this is a definitive text which shows how Jesus would parent. People have very strong views on that issue to be certain, but I think that most would agree that this is up to interpretation. That is fine, but I think we have to be willing to look for examples of how Jesus would parent through texts which might not be so obvious right of the top of one’s head.

Dulce’s post has covered many of these in a really beautiful way. So, let’s consider one more. It is found in John’s Gospel Chapter 8:1-11 and it says the following:

“but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. Early in the morning he came again to the temple. All the people came to him, and he sat down and taught them. The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst they said to him, “Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?” This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground. But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. Jesus stood up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.”]] (John 8:1-11 ESV)

The basic approach that I want to take to this text involves a type of dynamic orientation. I’ve used this same type of approach in interpreting the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant. I have a blog post about this to be found here. http://samuelmartin.blogspot.co.il/2011/10/normal-0-false-false-false.html

In this text in John’s Gospel, we have a number of actors and it is my belief that one can assign familial roles to the actors and based upon those assignments, one could determine with some certainty some basic ideas about how Jesus would parent.

To parent, you have to a be a parent. God is, of course, a parent. (Matt. 6:8; Acts 17:28) One not need to belabor that point because it is fairly obvious to all Christians that this is the case.

God has many children as Acts says: “For we indeed are His offspring.” (17:28). Paul is just as explicit: “The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God,…” (Romans 8:16)

Now, Jesus Christ is God. He is the “Emmanuel”, the “God with us.”

So, when we read John 8, we can say with absolute certainty that in this story, Jesus takes the role of a father. Now, that father in this story is going to “parent” some of his children in this story.

In the story, the parent (Jesus) is approached by His children. The children in John 8 are also obvious. They are first, the scribes and the Pharisees. Some of these children were “older” (v. 8) and one of these children is a “woman.” (v.3)

The parent has quite a large family of many ages and in this story, the male children come to their father asking him to punish their sister, who has broken a serious family rule.

But what does their father do?

First, we have to note that the children are testing their father to see what He intends to do and He remains totally calm.  He bends down and writes each of the names of the accusing children on the ground without saying a word.  This is not the end, because the accusing children still want their father to punish their sister.

But, their father says: And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” (John 8:7 ESV)

In other words, you are accusing her of something. You be the first one to punish her.

But, then He bends down again and writes one by one names next to the names of His children and these names represent individuals with whom His older children had done the same thing that they were accusing the young girl child of.

Then all of the older children left starting with the oldest to the youngest and no accuser is left.

Then, the father tells the young daughter that no one remains to accuse Her. He acknowledges that she did in fact sin, but tells her in this instance, don’t do it anymore.

What can we learn about Jesus’ parenting style?

1.      It is based upon knowledge. He had greater knowledge than His children. This is generally the case for parents. We have more knowledge than our kids and they need to be reminded of that.

2.      His older children were accusing the young, defenseless vulnerable youngster in the family. Jesus as the parent treated all equally.

3.      Jesus as a parent shows that He is not going to put up with accusations from a place of hypocrisy.

4.      Jesus attempted to gently “in secret” attempted to show His older children that He knew their claim against their sister was hypocritical. [Jesus did this first writing the names of women who those accusing the woman had been with.]

5.      When His older children did not heed His first “in secret” warning, He made a more public, specific announcement of their hypocrisy. [By then kneeling down again, then Jesus wrote the names of the various men next to the women they had been with doing the very thing they had accused the woman of.]

6.      Jesus, as the parent, did not punish His daughter, the woman for the first offense, for which she had violated the family rules. He warned her and told her not to do it again. There is also an implicit warning to the older children by His first instance of writing on the ground. Only when they did not listen and follow his warning, they were then judged publically before all and punished.

7.      The punishment was meant to touch the soul, not the body and we see the action of the accusers, who one minute were calling for the immediate death of a woman, but in the next minute, were leaving never to come back having disgraced themselves before all.

Conclusions

Jesus gives an example in this story of how He parents His children. His punishments are designed to touch the heart, not the body and his forgiveness is given due to repentance and a willingness not to continue in sin.

Your thoughts welcomed.

First Born

My husband and I are both the eldest in our families, so we experienced both the pitfalls and privileges firsthand.  I distinctly recall making a promise to myself at age nine that the phrase, "But you are older and should know better!" would never cross my lips.  The words might not have, but the sentiment has stuck in my subconscious lately. 

Our first born is nearly nine years old.  Like most first-borns, she has always communicated well (she was using complete sentences in both Spanish and English at 13 months), and even though I know better, I have often fallen into the trap of expecting more of her than I should because she sounds older at times.  Academics are very easy for her, she reads above grade level, she loves to cook full meals, gladly helps with her younger siblings, and we have a lovely friendship.  She is closer and closer to becoming a woman, but is still very much a child.

We have had several transitions lately, and the one that affected her the most was a change away from our family bed.  Of all the kidlets, it has been most important to her to be next to me, and the youngest still nurses several times at night, so she would be on one side and the baby on the other.  However, with four kidlets, it got to be too much even for our king size bed, as somebody was always inadvertently kicking someone else and the little ones still starfished.  A few weeks ago we switched so that only the two younger ones were in bed with me.

Outwardly, she handled it very well.  She didn't fuss at night and I thought things were going pretty smoothly.  She made a couple of comments about things being unfair with the little ones, but I brushed them off, being preoccupied with all the other things going on in our lives lately.  Sometimes, I am really dense.

The truth is that both of the tinies have had some particularly challenging behaviors (they are tenderhearted little Klingons whose rages are terrible to behold and arise out of the most seemingly insignificant things).  I was in the middle of finals and all the extras of turning in grades and end of the semester stuff, and in the midst of it all, I expected my eldest to be "easy" so that I could spend my energies on the others.  That was incredibly unfair.

Even worse, I used Biblical truths insensitively.  I reminded her of things like the importance of children obeying their parents, forgiving others and kindness and whatever else she seemed to need.  Because we weren't connecting well, it came across as bullying and letting her know that this was just one more area where she was falling short.  

Thankfully, she has a safe circle of friends to whom she can vent.  As embarrassing as it is to have her openly sharing my shortcomings (and as aggravating it is when it seems like she has exaggerated them!), on more than one occasion it has helped to open my eyes to things that I was brushing off or oblivious to.  I read her posts about her hurt and resentment and saw that she was terribly missing the extra closeness we had had.

We had a tear-filled, heart-sharing time of reconnection.  I apologized and she graciously forgave me.  We also talked about the difficulties of being the oldest and how it can lead to unfair expectations.  Together we brainstormed on different ways to strengthen our connection to each other.  When she weaned so many years ago, we started having times of cuddle-leche.  Now her preferred way to connect is for the two of us to go to Starbucks.  :)

We also talked about the promises and privileges that come with being the oldest.  Over and over in the Bible, firstborns were specially dedicated to God.  Both of her names actually mean that she has been consecrated to Him, and I am convinced that there is a reason this amazing daughter was the first of our beloved kidlets.  As she looked back and began to realize some of the things that she has been able to do that her siblings haven't, she also realized that while not everything is fair, she has received many privileges from being the oldest.

I still make so many wrong turns as a mom.  I am so very thankful that grace is for mamas, too, and for the open and tender heart of my lovely first born.  I want to protect her from the perils of perfectionism and all the other traits that can so easily entangle firstborns, and do everything I can to help fulfill all the beautiful promises for who she is.  And for all the times when I make mistakes, I want to fall into grace for both of us.

Cuddle Leche for the Soul

I am over at A Deeper Family today, sharing about cuddle-leche and how it helps to quiet my soul.  Come on over and check out the other posts while you are there!  I am so honored to be a part of this incredible team of writers. 

10 Commandments for Parents: Forsaking All Others

OK, with all of the other commandments it is easy to see how they can be specifically applied to parenting, but the one against adultery stumped me for awhile.  I really don't want to get into anything icky, although the creepiness of father-daughter patriarchy teachings is worth noting.  But I believe that adultery is about more than sex--it is about breaking covenant and giving someone else a place that doesn't belong to them.  It is choosing someone else over your spouse.  In that context, there are some important parallels with parenting.

Image credit: Terence Yim on Flickr

The parents that I know love their children dearly and value their relationships with their kids.  Yet it is so easy fall into the temptation of allowing our desire to please other adults to edge out our covenant to our kids. 

Why is it assumed that we should always side with any adult against our children if there is a conflict?

When our children are born, most of us are filled with tenderness and compassion for them.  We want to meet their needs, even if it means sacrifice.  I don't know of any parents who enjoyed letting their babies cry it out.  Most of them tell me that their own heart was sobbing right along with their little one.  But they listened to someone else who led their heart to be hardened against their baby.  Others faced similar situations with weaning, circumcision, vaccination and other issues.

Samuel Martin has done some interesting research and found that many mothers have a heart that was inclined to gentle discipline, and that they felt uneasy or distressed at the thought of spanking their children. Ultimately, if they did go on to spank, it was often because of pressure from others, whether family, friends, church or society in general.
 
What parent of a toddler hasn't been in a public situation where the child is having a meltdown and we feel temptation to parent for the crowd?  Recently a missionary friend was visiting, and described a church service where she was on the platform with the eyes of the entire congregation trained on her.  Just at that moment, her three year old began to act...well, three.   She could see the expectations on some of the faces to punish him into relative quietness (my snort here--like you can really punish a three year old into being quiet!  The ones I have seen typically get louder).  Instead, she smiled and took him in her arms and comforted him.  She politely expressed to the congregation, "My first ministry is always to my family."

It is hard for some parents to choose between their children and protecting their image of a perfect family.  I have seen some of my dear friends be rejected by their families in favor of their abusers once they decided to get out of their marriage.  Some of those parents were seduced by the manipulation of the abuser or bribed with promises of more access to their grandchildren.  Other friends were abandoned by their families when they came out.  All of those parents broke their covenant to their children because they placed a higher priority on their own rightness.

Marriage vows are pretty well defined, but we don't have the same ceremony when we become parents.  Honestly, though--shouldn't our commitment to the our vulnerable, helpless children who are a part of our family because of our own choices entail just as much love, and promises of faithfulness, to cherish them?  And shouldn't our responsibility to them come before our choice to please people outside of our family?

It is difficult to forsake the parenting book gurus, the callous opinions of preachers, doctors, friends and more to be faithful to our own hearts.  But it is still worth doing.  As a daughter, grand daughter and daughter in law of pastors, I echo my friend Femke.  Our commitment should always be to our family over pleasing anyone else.  As Eli learned, very little matters if you haven't been able to reach your own children.  There will always be judgmental stares and disapproving sniffs over our parenting.  Our covenant is to our families, and our choice should always be for them. 

Broken and Blessed

Sunday Morning

Sunday mornings are probably the most ungodly times of the week for many Christian families.  It's sad, but true.  Church is stressful when you have kids.  Regardless of how organized you are, something will come up to cause things to take longer than they should.  Somebody dawdles.  Somebody else can't find what they want to wear.  Another somebody snaps at someone else.  A couple of somebodies need to have their hair fixed, again, and you don't have time.  Breakfast was rushed or unsatisfactory or they weren't hungry, which practically guarantees a meltdown from empty little tummies in a couple of hours.

Image credit: The Artist Formerly Known as Batgirl

Impatience, squabbling, irritability, frustration.  By the time we walk in the door, few of us feel focused on God.

Then it gets worse.  Little ones start squirming and making noise, expressing needs at inconvenient times and in inconvenient ways.  You feel eyes boring into the back of your head, whisper angrily as your face heats up and then finally march out into the hall way, clutching just a bit too tightly at the small hand in yours. 

Anger, pride, fear and crushing guilt at the hypocrisy of it all.  Discouragement at another seemingly wasted morning when you are trying so hard to do the right thing.  "Is it even worth it to try to go to church at all?"

Breathe.  Let His peace, comfort, mercy and forgiveness wash your soul.  Soak in His patience and remember.  God is glorified in the love and grace you show your family. Your ministry is in how you treat "the least of these," not in how well you meet other people's expectations of a Christian family.

I don't know what Sunday mornings will look like in your family.  Maybe God will lead you to a different church, or to a different worship time, or just to a different way of approaching it all.  But church isn't meant to be a burden.  I am confident that what Jesus really wants is to refresh our spirits and shower us with mercy and grace, to join in the celebration of redemption with us, and to help our little ones see what His love, His family is all about.                                                                                                                                           

What Would the Neighbours Think?

Welcome to the second edition of the "I'm a Natural Parent - BUT..." Carnival

This post was written for inclusion in the carnival hosted by The Artful Mama and our feminist {play}school. During this carnival our participants have focused on how mainstream society has affected their natural parenting and how they have come to peace with this.

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I'm not so sure a "natural" parent is my title...more like "gentleish" parent. I have two little boys whom are my focus right now, although my almost 3 year old would swear he is an only child...as he is the majority holder of my attentions these days. I'm not going to lie, people say it will get easier...but I just don't see it yet. And with the need for my help at every bodily function, it's challenging just to survive. 

So here's my big confession.....ready....since May I've been letting my older son pee outside in our backyard. It's the only way he will go on his own and seriously, with a baby in my arms I need him just to do this. We actually didn't think it was such a big deal until my mother-in-law came to town and was mortified the first time he did it. "what will the neighbors think, he's going to think its "normal" behaviour, that's just plain rude!" rang in my ears. Then I started thinking maybe she was right; and it's too late now...what am I going to do? *laughs*** It's not like he will do it forever....will he? I'm sure once the cold weather hits all will right itself in our world. But until then...what will the neighbours think?

Teresa Goldstein is a self professed "gentle-ish" parent of two boys; who spends the majority of her time laughing, loving and living the daily high jinx life has to offer.

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This post made me laugh!  I, too, have a son who takes advantage of his male anatomy to urinate in unusual places.  For awhile he loved to use a large cup or bottle, and for a few weeks he would try to time things so that someone else was using the toilet and he could then use the shower.  Now that he is a little older, he is much more conventional, but I have no intentions of mentioning this post to him lest it give him ideas!  Thank you for letting me host this, Teresa!  :)

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This carnival was created by The Artful Mama and Natural Parents Network. We recognize that "natural parenting" means different things to different families, and we are dedicated to providing a safe place for all families, regardless of where they are in their parenting journeys.

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• I'm a Natural Parent- BUT... - Carrie at Frugal Foodie Mama says "We breastfeed. We co-sleep. We babywear. But we do not cloth diaper. This post is about my reasons why I haven't, and why I would still like to try it."
• Am I Really a Natural Parent? - Valerie at Momma in Progress confesses maybe she's a bit more mainstream than she thought.
• I'm a Crunchy Mama, BUT... - Shannon at GrowingSlower has learned that her food doesn't grow on grocery store shelves, but she still has a long way to go.
• I'm a Natural Parent, but...my kid loves a screen - Lyndsay owns her son's love for television programming, ipad and apps.
• Ashamed to Breastfeed - Kym at Our Crazy Corner of the World talks about how she was ashamed and intimidated to breastfeed in public.
• When they gotta go... - Jorje of Momma Jorje shares her EC weakness...
• Love For the Mainstream - Amy W. explains how letting a mainstream family into her life increased her self-awareness, and helps her to maintain balance while advocating for natural parenting.
• Weaning My Nursling - Alisha at Cinnamon&Sassafras reflects on her decision to wean her son, rather than waiting for him to decide.
• I'm a Natural Parent But...My Toddler is a Junk Food Junkie - Chanisa at City Girl Slash Hippie Mom talks about how she's trying to get her two year old to have healthier eating habits
• I'm a Natural Parent - But...I'm Socially Awkward - Shannon of The Artful Mama talks about the difficulties she experiences maintaining her conviction when she experiences social resistance.
• Holding onto connection when traveling - Lauren at Hobo Mama wants to respect her children rather than demand obedience … but it's so hard around family.
• What would the neighbours think?! - Teresa at This Savvy Mama talks about the pressures of balancing life skills with the realities of having two young children.
• French Fries and Diaper Blowouts - Arpita hosts a guest post detailing how, just every once in a while, the chaos of running a business can hamper even the most regimented natural parenting plans, and the sometimes messy (and stinky!) consequences!
• Confessions of a mostly natural parent - Jessica of Crunchy Chewy Mama feels good about many of the choices she makes but there are things she wants her kids to do, practice, and believes that she is not modeling for them.

In which I am fascinated by my own navel...

You know the message board posts that get the (bloggy) disclaimer in the title?  Yeah, this is just going to be a bunch of self-absorbed musings, so read at your own risk. :)

The first (and pretty much only) time I ever thought of myself as a writer, I was five.  I wrote a little story about a rabbit called, "Where's my PJs?".  I never said PJs, always pajamas.  But I knew that this little rabbit would say PJs.  He just would.  It was exciting to have this character in my head that did and said things because he was, not because I was consciously creating it.

I was always making up stories in my mind, but they didn't make it to paper.  I actually disliked the physical writing.  And if it was a requirement?  Well, obligation can destroy the joy in just about anything.  School just about strangled any pleasure in writing permanently.  By sixth grade, I would skip over any written exercises and pencil in D.L. (for Do Later), and just go over the exam sections.  I never did go back and do them later.  When I got to college, my distaste for writing was so cemented in that I only took the two required Freshman Comp classes, and chose electives and instructors based in part on the probability of not having to write papers for their classes.

I have never, ever, ever been able to write from an outline.  My mind simply won't work that way.  It doesn't go from A to B to C.  It loops from A to Q to F to J to B to X.  In classes where I was required to provide an outline, I would write the paper first and then go back and create an outline.  I also found that I stink at editing.  I very quickly reach a point where I can't see it anymore.  I am just done.  Even when it doesn't feel right and I know it is messy, I simply can't force myself to clean it up once I have spent a certain amount of time on it.

So, I have never considered myself a writer.  Even blogging has always just been for fun to me, a way to mount soapboxes and process things that I was wary of boring my real life friends with.  Whenever someone would compliment me on a post, I would inwardly laugh one of those awkward, embarrassed laughs because I couldn't quite imagine that anything I wrote would matter to anyone else. 

When I started this blog, I fully expected to write a few posts with weeks in between them, and drop it altogether within a few months.  Somehow, that didn't happen.  I began to write more and more. And I found a whole world of amazing friends.  Now to my complete shock, I am finding other people who are interested in what I have to say, and it is scary and wonderful and surprising and exciting.  

I have had the honor or working with some amazing authors whom I admire with all my heart, and their encouragement can literally bring me to tears.  Today I asked myself for the first time, "What if this is really more than just playing?  What if I should take it seriously?"  Not seriously as in turn it into a burden and strip the fun out of it.  Been there, done that.  But seriously as in, maybe this is really something important.  What if this is a part of who I am created to be?

It makes me tremble.

I keep shying away from that idea, but when I think of all the times that you and I have connected somehow, my gratitude just spills over.  I know that your comments have, without exaggeration, changed my life.

It is only 8:00 PM, but this is the kind of stuff that is really my 3:00 AM ponderings--all emotional and dramatic and stuff.  ;)  Sometimes it was just too many tacos for dinner, I think.  But sometimes there is truth there, too. I am starting to believe that maybe it deserves more than an indulgent pat on the head.

Thank you for listening.  I think the fact that you are here and that we can encourage each others' souls deep down is my answer.

Gentle Discipline and the Strong Willed Child

Image credit: slightly everything on Flickr

I am posting over at Natural Parents Network today on Gentle Discipline and the Strong Willed Child.

"The truth is that if you enter into battle with a strong willed child, your entire life will turn into a war zone. We will not back down, will not give in, will not surrender. If it truly becomes a fight, chances are good that one will have to defeat the other, in spirit if not physically. And that is to destroy not only part of your child's God-given personality, but also your relationship. Either your child will be deeply imbued with shame and believe that she deserves to be treated that way, or she will continue the fight once she is older and has greater resources."

The conflict for many parents is that they have been told that Godly obedience means that children will comply first and understand later.  That is *not* the Hebrew understanding of obedience.  From a Hebraic view, it is a process of hearing, understanding and then obeying from the heart. 

Another common objection is that parents don't have time to argue over every detail of an instruction before the child complies.  Here is the thing: you don't have to.  True emergency situations will have a number of differences, including how your child responds to your emotional stress.  It is also likely that physically helping a child will be a part of an emergency situation.  Furthermore, a history of good reasons for your instructions and connection between you are *more likely* to result in trust when it really counts.


I have come to celebrate my strong willed children, and cannot wait to see how they will change the world.  Head over to NPN for the full article!  :)

Christian Women Should Not Eat Chocolate

Before you rise up in righteous indignation and decided to unfollow this blog, allow me to say that I do eat chocolate and support others who do.  I also support women who choose to wear two piece swimsuits.  That isn't quite the non sequitur it seems.

I believe that there is an important topic that many in the body of Christ have neglected to address. It has to do with the whole issue of women eating chocolate. Now I know that our society seems to believe that we can eat whatever we want and flaunt it. The thing is, though, that we as believers are called to a different standard, and while it may seem to be a matter of personal freedom to you, you are causing others to stumble.

What you may not understand is that it is just a part of the way that God designed us. When we see chocolate, we are provoked to gluttony. That may or may not be your intent, but the truth is that when we see our sisters in Christ with chocolate, we are just wired to respond to it. We want it. So I am asking, as a godly woman, that you refrain from tempting us by eating chocolate. Will you, as a humble and sincere sister in the Lord, make a commitment to give up the chocolate that is causing us to stumble?

Can I get an “amen”? No?

I suspect that some of you would respond, gently and with love, that the issue really is not about condemning those who eat chocolate, but perhaps more about dealing with my own self-control. Some might even go as far as to point out that simply liking chocolate and wanting to eat it is not necessarily gluttony unless I refuse to control myself. Others would remind me that as a Christian, filled with the Holy Spirit, I can resist the temptation. And a few might be slightly confused why I am only addressing my sisters in Christ and wonder about whether men should be held to the same standards. These are good points.

Yet I have read many appeals to Christian women on the issue of modesty and swimwear, particularly if you get into the debate on one-piece versus two-piece, that sound just like the condemnation against chocolate.

I hope that you will go read the rest of this article at the Home Educating Family Magazine's blog.  :)

And for those of you who are curious, here are a few pics of my kidlets at the beach this summer in their favorite swimwear.  They were happy, comfortable and, in my opinion, perfectly appropriate and modest.