Or at least, not bad. I should give a disclaimer, I suppose. I am not a medical professional. Still, after the recent birth of our beautiful daughter, who happened to weigh 9 pounds and 6 ounces, I've been rethinking our view of appropriate sizes for babies in this culture, and I am wondering if perhaps it is just that: cultural.
The OB who assisted my midwife made several comments about potential size, which in retrospect were probably leading up to a warning about her being too big to be born vaginally. At the time, however, I was too focused on giving birth to read anything into it. She is our fourth, and in my experience, subsequent babies tend to be larger. She had measured on target, and I didn't have GD, so I wasn't going to waste energy worrying. Also, I had read so many accounts of home births where healthy babies were born weighing nine or ten pounds or more that I didn't see a large baby as being a problem.
Our society expects babies to weight around seven pounds. Of course, a couple of generations ago, we expected them to be around six pounds. I think there were a lot of things that influenced that: many women were still smoking and drinking during pregnancy, and they were limiting total weight gain to 15 pounds or so during pregnancy. The mothers themselves were smaller, not just in weight but also in height.
Now there are still many women who restrict their weight gain in pregnancy, not by following healthy diets, but by limiting food intake. The high number of false positives in standard glucose testing causes many women to go on diets in pregnancy, and there are still plenty of OBs out there who warn women against gaining much weight or who automatically schedule C-sections based on their best guess of the baby's size. Add to this the fact that most hospital births take place with the woman flat on her back, which causes her pelvic opening to be 30% smaller than in other positions, which likely contributes to the myths about women being unable to deliver larger babies.
In reading numerous accounts of homebirths where women followed healthy eating guidelines, but didn't otherwise restrict their caloric intake, and gave birth in whatever position they wished (almost never on their backs), I have been struck by the significant number of babies that were well over nine pounds. They were healthy babies, their mothers did not have diabetes, they were birthed naturally without complications, but they were generally larger than babies born under standard OB care.
What if that is actually normal, perhaps even optimal? What if smaller babies are more a result of our attempts to restrict birth weight rather than a reflection of what is most healthy for the babies and mothers? Anecdotally, I can say that the larger babies I've known of (including my own) tend to be more content, sleep better, are healthier and are easier babies than those who are born smaller.
It would be very interesting to see research comparing both models of pregnancy care, birth weights and outcomes.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
FAs, PB&J, and BK
While I've been enjoying the fabulous cuisine in Puerto Rico (a very close second to Mexican food, which is also the food of Heaven), it has presented an interesting dilemma to a mom of food-allergic kids.
We first became aware of Ariana's food allergies about four years ago. Her reactions included hives, incontinence, eczema and behavioral symptoms. Once we eliminated her allergens, her skin cleared, she was diaper-free day and night, and her behavior went back to the calm little girl we knew was inside. I often wonder how many kids struggle with allergies that cause problems in toilet learning or behavior that the parents don't recognize--I wasn't familiar with those symptoms before.
The first year we were eliminating wheat, dairy, corn, eggs, peanuts, green beans, olives, and possibly some others that I've forgotten. Since she was breastfeeding, I had to avoid all her allergens, too. Later, she passed some food challenges, but Joel started breaking out in hives. He tested positive to black beans, pork, corn, and dairy. While hives are never fun, the only one who has ever gone to the hospital for a reaction is Elena, who is allergic to eggs, rice, cinnamon, berries and black beans.
We try to eat what we want as much as possible. I can make allergen-free versions of just about everything, especially desserts. The kids cook all the time and are very aware of what they can and cannot eat, and watch out carefully for Elena. Thankfully, many of the foods that they couldn't eat before are now safe for them. Right now, we only have to avoid Elena's allergens, as well as black beans for Joel, and eggs, green beans and olives for Ariana.
While we aren't as healthy as I would like to be, cooking from scratch and constant label reading has helped. We still do some fast food, etc. as well as some convenience foods. At the same time, the kids don't even bother to ask for things like turquoise cereal or yogurt, because "it has too many chemicals and weird things in there". And though we don't strictly avoid peanuts, with all the other allergy issues I have been reluctant to have them a regular part of our diet.
However, the first several days in Puerto Rico, Ariana was having horrible breakouts of eczema. It was the worst I had ever seen her. Puerto Rico uses olive oil in everything--one restaurant we went to told us that they didn't have a single thing that didn't contain EVOO. Usually, oils aren't as allergenic, but EVOO is. And because it isn't always obvious which foods contain, we have had to resort to fast food every day for her. I don't like a constant diet of BK or McD's, but at least they don't contain olive oil.
The hotel breakfasts were almost entirely egg-based, and it has been difficult for her to get any protein. Some days our excursions have meant that we have incredibly active mornings, and she really needed something substantial. So she has been eating PB&J every morning now. Elena and I have also done this many days. Even though Ariana's skin is clearing up, I still feel as if I am doing something forbidden.
So, our food world has turned upside down--we are deliberately seeking out junk food and PB. At least no one is reacting now.
We first became aware of Ariana's food allergies about four years ago. Her reactions included hives, incontinence, eczema and behavioral symptoms. Once we eliminated her allergens, her skin cleared, she was diaper-free day and night, and her behavior went back to the calm little girl we knew was inside. I often wonder how many kids struggle with allergies that cause problems in toilet learning or behavior that the parents don't recognize--I wasn't familiar with those symptoms before.
The first year we were eliminating wheat, dairy, corn, eggs, peanuts, green beans, olives, and possibly some others that I've forgotten. Since she was breastfeeding, I had to avoid all her allergens, too. Later, she passed some food challenges, but Joel started breaking out in hives. He tested positive to black beans, pork, corn, and dairy. While hives are never fun, the only one who has ever gone to the hospital for a reaction is Elena, who is allergic to eggs, rice, cinnamon, berries and black beans.
We try to eat what we want as much as possible. I can make allergen-free versions of just about everything, especially desserts. The kids cook all the time and are very aware of what they can and cannot eat, and watch out carefully for Elena. Thankfully, many of the foods that they couldn't eat before are now safe for them. Right now, we only have to avoid Elena's allergens, as well as black beans for Joel, and eggs, green beans and olives for Ariana.
While we aren't as healthy as I would like to be, cooking from scratch and constant label reading has helped. We still do some fast food, etc. as well as some convenience foods. At the same time, the kids don't even bother to ask for things like turquoise cereal or yogurt, because "it has too many chemicals and weird things in there". And though we don't strictly avoid peanuts, with all the other allergy issues I have been reluctant to have them a regular part of our diet.
However, the first several days in Puerto Rico, Ariana was having horrible breakouts of eczema. It was the worst I had ever seen her. Puerto Rico uses olive oil in everything--one restaurant we went to told us that they didn't have a single thing that didn't contain EVOO. Usually, oils aren't as allergenic, but EVOO is. And because it isn't always obvious which foods contain, we have had to resort to fast food every day for her. I don't like a constant diet of BK or McD's, but at least they don't contain olive oil.
The hotel breakfasts were almost entirely egg-based, and it has been difficult for her to get any protein. Some days our excursions have meant that we have incredibly active mornings, and she really needed something substantial. So she has been eating PB&J every morning now. Elena and I have also done this many days. Even though Ariana's skin is clearing up, I still feel as if I am doing something forbidden.
So, our food world has turned upside down--we are deliberately seeking out junk food and PB. At least no one is reacting now.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Aventuras Boricuas
We have been having such an awesome time in Puerto Rico! I admit, I was a bit apprehensive about taking a ten day old baby on a trip out of the country, but the idea of staying home with all four kidlets *without* Carlos was far more frightening. It has worked out so much better than I anticipated!
Amaya is thriving. She is wearing all 6 month clothing, size 2 diapers, and is bigger than a two-month-old here at the hotel! Her cheeks are fully inflated again. :D Amazingly, she is sleeping through the night! The other kids didn't do that for months (or years). I'm getting more sleep than I did before she was born!
I remember sharing with Heather during labor a comment I had heard about giving birth naturally along the lines that birth without meds got the pain out of the way before the baby was there and that birth with meds was less painful during labor, but had a longer and more painful recovery. That has certainly been my experience. I've felt great, even on our very active days. Today I carried Elena up and down the streets of Old San Juan without a second thought. To be sure, she only weighs about ten pounds more than Amaya, but it was still cool.
Our days have been full of fabulous food, interesting excursions, swimming and relaxing. I've feasted on quesitos con guayaba (amazing pastries filled with cream cheese and guava), mallorcas from La Bombonera, mofongo and the incredibly decadent Cuatro Leches cake from Barrachina, all washed down with Puertorrican coffee. We went to the Yunque and the kidlets hiked the rainforest and played in the waterfall. We've explored El Morro, a fortresss from Colonial times, and shopped in the largest mall in the Caribbean. The kids have drunk fresh coconuts from the beach and been all over the cobblestone streets of Old San Juan. They have made friends with the wonderful students who joined us this year and Ariana woke up one morning eager to tell me about "the best dream ever" with all of her new friends. :)
Thankfully, we've never had to deal with the sibling rivalry scenario where the older child is mean to the baby. Still, I could tell that Elena was feeling a little lost the first few days after Amaya was born. She would start crying for no apparent reason. So I held her close and began singing her favorite little baby song from Yo Gabba Gabba, and she just burst into tears and held me as tightly as she could. It was so clear that she needed to still be our baby, too. Having Carlos give her lots of undivided attention (or hold the baby while I do) has been wonderful. She has been in a good mood pretty much the whole trip!
The weather has been about fifteen degrees cooler than home, which is really nice. It has rained nearly every day, but we love rain so that hasn't been a disappointment. We've had enough sunshine to enjoy the beach. :) Another nice surprise is that we get to go to Ponce, an excursion that we hadn't originally planned. We have family there and are excited about getting to see them.
I had expected this trip to be a lot more stressful, but it is very nice to be wrong!
Amaya is thriving. She is wearing all 6 month clothing, size 2 diapers, and is bigger than a two-month-old here at the hotel! Her cheeks are fully inflated again. :D Amazingly, she is sleeping through the night! The other kids didn't do that for months (or years). I'm getting more sleep than I did before she was born!
I remember sharing with Heather during labor a comment I had heard about giving birth naturally along the lines that birth without meds got the pain out of the way before the baby was there and that birth with meds was less painful during labor, but had a longer and more painful recovery. That has certainly been my experience. I've felt great, even on our very active days. Today I carried Elena up and down the streets of Old San Juan without a second thought. To be sure, she only weighs about ten pounds more than Amaya, but it was still cool.
Our days have been full of fabulous food, interesting excursions, swimming and relaxing. I've feasted on quesitos con guayaba (amazing pastries filled with cream cheese and guava), mallorcas from La Bombonera, mofongo and the incredibly decadent Cuatro Leches cake from Barrachina, all washed down with Puertorrican coffee. We went to the Yunque and the kidlets hiked the rainforest and played in the waterfall. We've explored El Morro, a fortresss from Colonial times, and shopped in the largest mall in the Caribbean. The kids have drunk fresh coconuts from the beach and been all over the cobblestone streets of Old San Juan. They have made friends with the wonderful students who joined us this year and Ariana woke up one morning eager to tell me about "the best dream ever" with all of her new friends. :)
Thankfully, we've never had to deal with the sibling rivalry scenario where the older child is mean to the baby. Still, I could tell that Elena was feeling a little lost the first few days after Amaya was born. She would start crying for no apparent reason. So I held her close and began singing her favorite little baby song from Yo Gabba Gabba, and she just burst into tears and held me as tightly as she could. It was so clear that she needed to still be our baby, too. Having Carlos give her lots of undivided attention (or hold the baby while I do) has been wonderful. She has been in a good mood pretty much the whole trip!
The weather has been about fifteen degrees cooler than home, which is really nice. It has rained nearly every day, but we love rain so that hasn't been a disappointment. We've had enough sunshine to enjoy the beach. :) Another nice surprise is that we get to go to Ponce, an excursion that we hadn't originally planned. We have family there and are excited about getting to see them.
I had expected this trip to be a lot more stressful, but it is very nice to be wrong!
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Catching up
I know I have slacked off the blogging recently. Things are really good, but really, REALLY busy. I'm teaching seven hours a day. The new baby is due in three weeks. It is hard to be away from the kidlets so much, especially since by the time I get home I am too tired to do much with them. I can tell that they are feeling it, too, but we are all coping OK.
My birth kit arrived yesterday, and I am getting really excited! Aside from the birth supplies, I have stocked up on Señorial (a sangria softdrink from Mexico), I've got all the ingredients on hand for a chocolate layer cake with cheesecake filling to be made during early labor, and have been talking with the kids about what to expect. I don't know how much, if any, of the labor they will be around for, but they've seen several birth videos and I've given them examples of the kinds of noises I might make. I was doing some low moaning-type vocalizations and they burst out laughing and said it sounded like a cow mooing. :D It kind of did.
It will come as no surprise to most of you that I have always heard voices and seen things. ;) For the last several weeks, I keep getting pictures in my head of us standing in the middle of a tornado. Everything around us is whirling chaotically, but there is perfect calm inside the spot in the middle where we are. It has been true. Despite everything going on right now, I've felt so much peace. It definitely hasn't come from me, and I am so, so grateful for it. We've been able to happily ride the storm.
We still have a long ways to go. I have three more weeks of class (I keep telling my students that the baby can come as soon as we turn in final grades), then in the middle of July we are planning to head to Puerto Rico for a few weeks. Yeah, I know. The timing is less than ideal. However, when Elena was born, because of passport laws she was too little to go to Mexico so the kids and I stayed here while Carlos went. Based on that experience, I am convinced that it would actually be much easier to take a newborn on a trip like that than try to be here with all four little ones without Carlos.
Still haven't picked out a girl name. I believe that names are extremely important--throughout the Bible, they showed a special significance in people's lives. I keep waiting for the right one to jump out, and it hasn't. At least not for a girl. We agreed a few days after the pregnancy test on a boy name. The ultrasound showed a girl, though... We'll see what happens!
My birth kit arrived yesterday, and I am getting really excited! Aside from the birth supplies, I have stocked up on Señorial (a sangria softdrink from Mexico), I've got all the ingredients on hand for a chocolate layer cake with cheesecake filling to be made during early labor, and have been talking with the kids about what to expect. I don't know how much, if any, of the labor they will be around for, but they've seen several birth videos and I've given them examples of the kinds of noises I might make. I was doing some low moaning-type vocalizations and they burst out laughing and said it sounded like a cow mooing. :D It kind of did.
It will come as no surprise to most of you that I have always heard voices and seen things. ;) For the last several weeks, I keep getting pictures in my head of us standing in the middle of a tornado. Everything around us is whirling chaotically, but there is perfect calm inside the spot in the middle where we are. It has been true. Despite everything going on right now, I've felt so much peace. It definitely hasn't come from me, and I am so, so grateful for it. We've been able to happily ride the storm.
We still have a long ways to go. I have three more weeks of class (I keep telling my students that the baby can come as soon as we turn in final grades), then in the middle of July we are planning to head to Puerto Rico for a few weeks. Yeah, I know. The timing is less than ideal. However, when Elena was born, because of passport laws she was too little to go to Mexico so the kids and I stayed here while Carlos went. Based on that experience, I am convinced that it would actually be much easier to take a newborn on a trip like that than try to be here with all four little ones without Carlos.
Still haven't picked out a girl name. I believe that names are extremely important--throughout the Bible, they showed a special significance in people's lives. I keep waiting for the right one to jump out, and it hasn't. At least not for a girl. We agreed a few days after the pregnancy test on a boy name. The ultrasound showed a girl, though... We'll see what happens!
Friday, June 4, 2010
Math is for girls
I adored biology, but didn't enjoy studying math or chemistry much. Apparently, my daughters are headed in a different direction, though. In the car yesterday, Ariana (6 years old) had a very happy conversation about negative numbers, the value of zero, chemical compounds, bacteria and viruses. Afterward, she told me that pathogenic microbiology might be interesting, but she loved math, and when she got older she really wanted to work in a laboratory with lots of chemicals. Then she told me in a frustrated tone that she couldn't decide which would be better--math or chemistry. I replied that she could study both, and that a good chemist also needed a strong foundation in mathematics. Her whole face lit up with pleasure at the thought!
Elena (not quite two) is also becoming interested in the meaning of numbers. Yesterday she asked for a piece of chocolate. Knowing that recently she has been requesting two of everything (one for each hand), I told her that she may have *one* piece of chocolate. Her face grew very intent as she caught my emphasis. Elena has never been one to hold back from boldly pursuing what she wants. After a moments of thought, she said, "Four? Five?" then paused, grinned confidently and shouted, "Thirteen!" (Despite my desire to encourage her, she only got one. We'll practice thirteen with grapes, peas, or pieces of cereal.) :)
Elena (not quite two) is also becoming interested in the meaning of numbers. Yesterday she asked for a piece of chocolate. Knowing that recently she has been requesting two of everything (one for each hand), I told her that she may have *one* piece of chocolate. Her face grew very intent as she caught my emphasis. Elena has never been one to hold back from boldly pursuing what she wants. After a moments of thought, she said, "Four? Five?" then paused, grinned confidently and shouted, "Thirteen!" (Despite my desire to encourage her, she only got one. We'll practice thirteen with grapes, peas, or pieces of cereal.) :)
Saturday, May 22, 2010
How sweet it is!
Since becoming a parent, I've had a lot of practice in thinking for myself, doing my own research, and coming to my own conclusions. The truth is, though, that I am an approval-junkie. Even when the rational side of me is convinced that I have made the correct choice, if anyone in a position of authority disapproves, I get a little stressed.
I was under the care of an OB/GYN for my first three pregnancies, and had a wonderful doctor. There was mutual respect between us, and he treated me like an adult. I was also pleased as I did my own learning to see that we matched up pretty well. He encouraged me to keep breastfeeding through pregnancy as long as my children and I wanted. When I failed the one-hour glucose test all three times, he didn't panic. His nurse, however, was a different story.
Her expression when she found out I was still nursing was priceless, and provided me with a great deal of inner amusement. Her response to the glucose test was a lot stronger, though, and not nearly as much fun for me. The first time around, I took the three hour test and passed, but she warned me strongly that since I had failed the one-hour, I still needed to do everything that a mom with gestational diabetes would do, except take insulin. I diligently followed all the advice, and stressed out constantly about every bite I took. I dreamed about food every night, and battled cravings every day.
Ariana was born weighing 7lbs even, with no sugar issues whatsoever. When I became pregnant with Joel, and failed the one hour test again, I asked my doc if I could just go straight to the diet, etc, and skip the three hour test. It had taken more than nine needle-pokes to get blood the first time and I had felt sick all day from the nasty syrup. I really didn't want to go through all that in a three hour test (What? 27 tries with the needle???) *with* a toddler! He said that it would be perfectly fine. The nurse gave me a long list of all the possible complications and some dire warnings again, and once again I went through the tension and cravings, feeling hungry every minute. Joel was 6 lbs 12 oz, and no sugar issues, either.
When I failed the one hour test with Elena, I asked again to bypass the three hour test. Again, my OB was unconcerned, the nurse was not. I got regular A1C checks, which were always normal. I had done enough reading at this point to have a better idea of the true value (or lack thereof) of the typical US version of the tolerance tests, and I knew I had the support of my doctor. Still, all the warnings would echo in my head. If you have taken a lot of pictures, you probably are well aware that whatever object you are looking at most closely is usually in the center of the frame. Constantly focusing on carbs kept them prominently in my mind, and the nagging worry that the nurse might be right didn't help.
This time around, I was a little nervous about the sugar issue, knowing what an ordeal it has been in the past. The hospital midwife that we had considered in the beginning made it clear that she sided with the former nurse and that this time around there would be no option on the three hour test. I knew my homebirth midwife was more up-to-date on current research and thought she would take a different approach, but nervous habits are hard to break.
What a difference the right midwife makes! She moniters our measurements at each appointment, but there was none of the stress or dire warnings from previous pregnancies. Rather than drinking the horrible sugar concoction on an empty stomach, she gave me a glucometer and had me take my readings following my normal routine. There was competence and security, but no anxiety-provoking, stern lecture on endangering my baby.
Guess what? The glucose levels were perfectly normal! No problems at all. I can't explain what a relief it is. Even though I knew I had research on my side before, there was always that niggling doubt in the back of my mind that maybe my sugar levels were out of whack. It is so nice to know that I have "proof" this time around that doing what I normally do is OK. And I suspect that the peace and lack of stress about my glucose levels can only be good for both me and the baby. Of course, I don't plan to go crazy with junk food and sugar snacks--that certainly wouldn't be good for us, either!--it is so much more peaceful not to try to make calculations over every single bite I take.
Blessings on you, Heather! You have made this pregnancy very sweet, indeed!
I was under the care of an OB/GYN for my first three pregnancies, and had a wonderful doctor. There was mutual respect between us, and he treated me like an adult. I was also pleased as I did my own learning to see that we matched up pretty well. He encouraged me to keep breastfeeding through pregnancy as long as my children and I wanted. When I failed the one-hour glucose test all three times, he didn't panic. His nurse, however, was a different story.
Her expression when she found out I was still nursing was priceless, and provided me with a great deal of inner amusement. Her response to the glucose test was a lot stronger, though, and not nearly as much fun for me. The first time around, I took the three hour test and passed, but she warned me strongly that since I had failed the one-hour, I still needed to do everything that a mom with gestational diabetes would do, except take insulin. I diligently followed all the advice, and stressed out constantly about every bite I took. I dreamed about food every night, and battled cravings every day.
Ariana was born weighing 7lbs even, with no sugar issues whatsoever. When I became pregnant with Joel, and failed the one hour test again, I asked my doc if I could just go straight to the diet, etc, and skip the three hour test. It had taken more than nine needle-pokes to get blood the first time and I had felt sick all day from the nasty syrup. I really didn't want to go through all that in a three hour test (What? 27 tries with the needle???) *with* a toddler! He said that it would be perfectly fine. The nurse gave me a long list of all the possible complications and some dire warnings again, and once again I went through the tension and cravings, feeling hungry every minute. Joel was 6 lbs 12 oz, and no sugar issues, either.
When I failed the one hour test with Elena, I asked again to bypass the three hour test. Again, my OB was unconcerned, the nurse was not. I got regular A1C checks, which were always normal. I had done enough reading at this point to have a better idea of the true value (or lack thereof) of the typical US version of the tolerance tests, and I knew I had the support of my doctor. Still, all the warnings would echo in my head. If you have taken a lot of pictures, you probably are well aware that whatever object you are looking at most closely is usually in the center of the frame. Constantly focusing on carbs kept them prominently in my mind, and the nagging worry that the nurse might be right didn't help.
This time around, I was a little nervous about the sugar issue, knowing what an ordeal it has been in the past. The hospital midwife that we had considered in the beginning made it clear that she sided with the former nurse and that this time around there would be no option on the three hour test. I knew my homebirth midwife was more up-to-date on current research and thought she would take a different approach, but nervous habits are hard to break.
What a difference the right midwife makes! She moniters our measurements at each appointment, but there was none of the stress or dire warnings from previous pregnancies. Rather than drinking the horrible sugar concoction on an empty stomach, she gave me a glucometer and had me take my readings following my normal routine. There was competence and security, but no anxiety-provoking, stern lecture on endangering my baby.
Guess what? The glucose levels were perfectly normal! No problems at all. I can't explain what a relief it is. Even though I knew I had research on my side before, there was always that niggling doubt in the back of my mind that maybe my sugar levels were out of whack. It is so nice to know that I have "proof" this time around that doing what I normally do is OK. And I suspect that the peace and lack of stress about my glucose levels can only be good for both me and the baby. Of course, I don't plan to go crazy with junk food and sugar snacks--that certainly wouldn't be good for us, either!--it is so much more peaceful not to try to make calculations over every single bite I take.
Blessings on you, Heather! You have made this pregnancy very sweet, indeed!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
A DREAM or a nightmare?
I think that regardless of where you stand on immigration, you probably agree with me that the current situation is a mess. It is a very intense, personal topic for many of us. There is an area where I hope that we can find common ground: the DREAM Act.
Did your parents ever move when you were a child? Mine did. They left Mexico and came to the USA. I didn't get a vote in that decision. Nor did I have anything to do with our legal status or citizenship. Once we were here, I began to forget Spanish and adjust to English. I went to school and was excited about the prospect of college. I obeyed the laws of the US and tried to be a good citizen. Thankfully, my family is here legally. However, there are many, many children who had the exact same choices and opportunities that I did whose parents are not here legally, and they are caught in a never-ending nightmare.
Even though they had no choice in coming here or their legal status, even though they may not even speak the language of their country of birth, even though they may have worked hard academically and have done everything in their power to respect the United States, they must live in constant fear of deportation. There is nothing whatsoever that they can do to fix the situation, no way for them to become legal. Instead, they must abandon their dreams of further education and living their full potential as members of our society and hide in the shadows.
That doesn't benefit our country. It is a squandering of one of our greatest national resources. There is no moral justification for it--these kids were innocent bystanders. Imagine if your parents were from another country and you were in this situation. It could easily have been me. It could easily have been you.
We can do something about this. We can vote. We can encourage our legislators to pass the DREAM act now! Every day that goes by is too late for some. Will you please speak out so that others can get out of the nightmare and live the American Dream? http://dreamact.info/
Did your parents ever move when you were a child? Mine did. They left Mexico and came to the USA. I didn't get a vote in that decision. Nor did I have anything to do with our legal status or citizenship. Once we were here, I began to forget Spanish and adjust to English. I went to school and was excited about the prospect of college. I obeyed the laws of the US and tried to be a good citizen. Thankfully, my family is here legally. However, there are many, many children who had the exact same choices and opportunities that I did whose parents are not here legally, and they are caught in a never-ending nightmare.
Even though they had no choice in coming here or their legal status, even though they may not even speak the language of their country of birth, even though they may have worked hard academically and have done everything in their power to respect the United States, they must live in constant fear of deportation. There is nothing whatsoever that they can do to fix the situation, no way for them to become legal. Instead, they must abandon their dreams of further education and living their full potential as members of our society and hide in the shadows.
That doesn't benefit our country. It is a squandering of one of our greatest national resources. There is no moral justification for it--these kids were innocent bystanders. Imagine if your parents were from another country and you were in this situation. It could easily have been me. It could easily have been you.
We can do something about this. We can vote. We can encourage our legislators to pass the DREAM act now! Every day that goes by is too late for some. Will you please speak out so that others can get out of the nightmare and live the American Dream? http://dreamact.info/
Monday, May 17, 2010
Out and About
We've experienced the perfect storm lately--three high-energy kidlets (ages 6, 4, and almost 2), nice weather, and the knowledge that soon a new baby will change our abilities to spend much of our day in whatever excursion takes our fancy. So, for the last few months, we've been going places almost daily. It has been so much fun! We love the chance to get out.
Like most of our friends, we have not been overly burdened with an excess of material wealth, so I'll let you in on some of our favorite activities.
* Rain dancing. There is nothing more fun than grabbing swimsuits and having the whole family go outside and dance in the backyard during a nice, warm rain. As long as there is no thunder or lightning, go for it! It is even better if you snuggle in soft towels and enjoy hot chocolate together when you come in.
* Sprinklers! If you can't get it for free from Nature, pick a good time to water the garden and turn on the sprinklers. A few old towels on the floor by the door make for quick clean up when you come in.
* Memberships to local attractions. We've been surprised at how often a year-long family pass for places like the zoo, children's museum or aquarium is comparable (or even less!) than the daily admission! Some offer discounts for local residents, or coupons or special deals online. They can be well worth the price!
* Parks, of course. We've found that mixing it up by going to different ones makes it fresh and keeps it exciting. Look up new ones in nearby communities--some might be closer than you expect.
* Picnics. Even if it is just in our backyard, everything tastes better outside!
I've also been asked a few times how we are able to enjoy it so much with three kids that age. Here are a few things that have helped it work for us:
* Timing is everything! You know your family's rhythms better than anyone else--pay attention to them. What time of day is the best for your family? Today, I took the kidlets for our weekly grocery shopping trip and received multiple comments on how happy and well-behaved they all were. We had gone right after breakfast, when everyone was rested and fed. If I had attempted the shopping in late afternoon, chances are that I would have heard a far different kind of comment!
Go with the flow. If you are doing pretty much anything with several little ones, it is easier for everyone if you remain flexible regarding time. Their legs aren't as long, and neither are their attention spans--unless, of course, they find something of particular interest, in which case your attention span may run out long before theirs. That is OK. If you have the choice of spending the same amount of time relaxed and happy or frustrated and angry (and trying to rush usually still takes the same amount of time), then you may as well have fun together, right?
* Think about your goals. Are you trying to win some sort of badge by thoroughly examining every exhibit or attraction, or are you there to have fun? My kids can spend hours at the zoo and not see all the animals. Yet, what would I gain by trying to "get our money's worth" by marching everyone through without regard for their interests or enjoyment?
* Pack well. It can be hard to balance bringing what you need and weighing yourself down with non-essentials. Our must-have list: food and drink (I get reaaaaally cranky if I need a snack, and so do the kidlets), a wrap for the smallest one, sunscreen, meds (Benedryl/Epi-pens/band-aids), and a change of clothes in the car.
Besides being over-priced and under-healthful, we deal with multiple food allergies and find it easier to bring our own snacks. Fruit like clementines, our own breakfast bars, cheese sticks or other easily portable snacks and our own water bottles keep everyone's energy levels where they should be.
I've found strollers to be more cumbersome than helpful in most places (YMMV), but a wrap is essential for when a little one gets tired or before they are able to walk everywhere. I've even carried my 3.5 year old around in one during some all-day excursions in Puerto Rico! They also make breastfeeding easy and discreet.
I also try to keep a change of clothes in the car for everyone (and a few old towels) so that if we decide on a spontaneous trip to the splash pad or pool, we are prepared. Besides, who hasn't had a time when you needed a quick change for a child?
Enjoy the moment. Attitude is everything, and most of the time, my children's behavior is a reflection of my own emotional undercurrents. It is amazing how much my mood sets the tone for our day. If things start to unravel a bit, often all it takes is resetting my own emotional thermostat. And, if it is time to come home, by all means do so! Being mindful of our own reserves and those of our children can help us to get the most out of our times our and about.
Like most of our friends, we have not been overly burdened with an excess of material wealth, so I'll let you in on some of our favorite activities.
* Rain dancing. There is nothing more fun than grabbing swimsuits and having the whole family go outside and dance in the backyard during a nice, warm rain. As long as there is no thunder or lightning, go for it! It is even better if you snuggle in soft towels and enjoy hot chocolate together when you come in.
* Sprinklers! If you can't get it for free from Nature, pick a good time to water the garden and turn on the sprinklers. A few old towels on the floor by the door make for quick clean up when you come in.
* Memberships to local attractions. We've been surprised at how often a year-long family pass for places like the zoo, children's museum or aquarium is comparable (or even less!) than the daily admission! Some offer discounts for local residents, or coupons or special deals online. They can be well worth the price!
* Parks, of course. We've found that mixing it up by going to different ones makes it fresh and keeps it exciting. Look up new ones in nearby communities--some might be closer than you expect.
* Picnics. Even if it is just in our backyard, everything tastes better outside!
I've also been asked a few times how we are able to enjoy it so much with three kids that age. Here are a few things that have helped it work for us:
* Timing is everything! You know your family's rhythms better than anyone else--pay attention to them. What time of day is the best for your family? Today, I took the kidlets for our weekly grocery shopping trip and received multiple comments on how happy and well-behaved they all were. We had gone right after breakfast, when everyone was rested and fed. If I had attempted the shopping in late afternoon, chances are that I would have heard a far different kind of comment!
Go with the flow. If you are doing pretty much anything with several little ones, it is easier for everyone if you remain flexible regarding time. Their legs aren't as long, and neither are their attention spans--unless, of course, they find something of particular interest, in which case your attention span may run out long before theirs. That is OK. If you have the choice of spending the same amount of time relaxed and happy or frustrated and angry (and trying to rush usually still takes the same amount of time), then you may as well have fun together, right?
* Think about your goals. Are you trying to win some sort of badge by thoroughly examining every exhibit or attraction, or are you there to have fun? My kids can spend hours at the zoo and not see all the animals. Yet, what would I gain by trying to "get our money's worth" by marching everyone through without regard for their interests or enjoyment?
* Pack well. It can be hard to balance bringing what you need and weighing yourself down with non-essentials. Our must-have list: food and drink (I get reaaaaally cranky if I need a snack, and so do the kidlets), a wrap for the smallest one, sunscreen, meds (Benedryl/Epi-pens/band-aids), and a change of clothes in the car.
Besides being over-priced and under-healthful, we deal with multiple food allergies and find it easier to bring our own snacks. Fruit like clementines, our own breakfast bars, cheese sticks or other easily portable snacks and our own water bottles keep everyone's energy levels where they should be.
I've found strollers to be more cumbersome than helpful in most places (YMMV), but a wrap is essential for when a little one gets tired or before they are able to walk everywhere. I've even carried my 3.5 year old around in one during some all-day excursions in Puerto Rico! They also make breastfeeding easy and discreet.
I also try to keep a change of clothes in the car for everyone (and a few old towels) so that if we decide on a spontaneous trip to the splash pad or pool, we are prepared. Besides, who hasn't had a time when you needed a quick change for a child?
Enjoy the moment. Attitude is everything, and most of the time, my children's behavior is a reflection of my own emotional undercurrents. It is amazing how much my mood sets the tone for our day. If things start to unravel a bit, often all it takes is resetting my own emotional thermostat. And, if it is time to come home, by all means do so! Being mindful of our own reserves and those of our children can help us to get the most out of our times our and about.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Gentle Discipline Links
If you are my friend on Facebook, you are probably aware that we've been highlighting gentle discipline and celebrated National Spank Out day yesterday. I shared some of my favorite links there, and would like to repost them here, as well.
I am not a perfect parent. My kids are not perfect. But having experienced the joy and connection that result from gentle discipline has made me want to share it with others. Even if you consider spanking a valuable tool right now, I would encourage you to try some of these other tools and to consider the reasons that we have chosen not to parent punitively. You may find that some things that will work for your family, too!
One of my favorite authors, Pam Leo, has several articles here on a variety of topics. There is practical advice and thought-provoking ideas here: connectionparenting.com
Gentle discipline isn't about sighing and wringing your hands when your children need guidance--it is active and proactive. Joanne has incredibly valuable tips for effectively helping your children: GOYB parenting.com
My favorite single post regarding Christians and spanking is here, but don't miss out on all the other great posts she has on discipline: Is Spanking Biblical?
A treasure trove of links on Grace-based discipline, development, and more, this was the site that helped lead me to GBD: Arms of Love
Many people have recommended Tedd Tripp's book, Shepherding a Child's Heart to us. While there are some good things in it, there are many poisonous things, too. This review explains some of them: SACH Review
This is the second in a series of posts explaining Laurie's journey into Grace-based discipline. Read the others, too! Choosing GBD
We are surrounded by parents who follow Gary Ezzo's materials--Babywise, Preparation for Parenting, Growing Kids God's Way, etc. I think many are drawn to the assurance he gives that if they do things his way, their kids will be perfect. The truth behind his foundation and credentials, and the effects his methods have, is eye-opening: Ezzo Info
Last but not least, many, many thanks to the Baby Dust Diaries for focusing on this important issue and for hosting the Carnival. There are many links here, and each of them encouraged me and added to my understanding and application of gentle discipline: Baby Dust Diaries
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Our Toolbox
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| Photo by Goaliej54 |
* Proactive parenting
A large amount of misbehavior can be prevented or at least dramatically reduced by meeting needs before they become a problem. As an adult, *my* behavior tends to be less than optimal if I am tired, hungry, thirsty, bored, etc. Many potential meltdowns can be headed off with a snack, a change in activity, adequate rest, etc. Another part of proactive parenting means that instead of just reacting to problems, we teach our children appropriate behavior first. It sounds simple, but sometimes our children honestly don't know what they are supposed to do. Don't leave them to flounder! Set them up for success by teaching them what they should do.
* Play
Children love to learn through play. Role-playing games can be a tremendous way to practice appropriate ways of handling conflicts or unfamiliar situations, to model empathy, and to build a connection with children. Finding a fun way to do something can make unpleasant times much better for everyone. Get silly with them!
* Stories
Most kids love to hear stories. You can easily work in your own values without being overly preachy as you create characters that are learning the skills you want your children to develop. It is no surprise that Jesus told stories so often. It is a great way to open up further conversations, too.
* Equip them for big emotions
Many of us grew up where the only safe emotions to express were happy ones. It is so important to give out children healthy ways to express all feelings, including anger, sadness, frustration and so on. There are many healthy ways for our kidlets to express these. Words are one way, of course, but often words are inadequate. Dances--happy, sad, angry, wild--are beautiful ways to get those feelings out. Art work is another. My little ones would think of animals and tell me they were stomping like an elephant or roaring like a dinosaur. Building a comfort corner--a safe, soothing and comfortable place where they can retreat while they calm down--may help.
* Clear direction
So often we give vague advice ("Be careful") or a litany of don'ts without actually expressing in clear, understandable terms what we *do* want our children to do. There is research that shows that many children, especially at younger ages, do not even mentally process the "no" of a negative command. Even for mature minds, if I tell you "Don't think about crocodiles!", chances are, you are going to think about them even if you had no reason to before. Also, a long list is easily tuned out. Break things down to smaller steps, and wait before the next one if necessary.
* Redirect
We are so conditioned to saying no that we often overlook alternatives. If your toddler is hitting, teach them to give high-fives. If they are throwing things in a dangerous way, give them something soft like a rolled up sock or take them to a place where they can do it safely. We can find ways to honor their God-given need to explore and experiment that also honor our boundaries.
* Environmental controls
We try to structure the environment to set them up for success. When they are tiny, that means baby-proofing; as they get older, it can take other forms. Some people I know object strongly to this on the grounds that children need to learn to adapt to the adult environment. Eventually, they do. However, if we had an adult family member with physical or mental limitations, we would do everything in our power to make the environment comfortable and welcoming, and remove obstacles. Setting up an environment that takes into account the abilities of our children is part of them being members of our family.
* Listening
Are there ever times when you feel overwhelmed and your day seems to spiral out of control? Have you ever felt the relief of just having someone listen sympathetically and understand, even if they didn't change your circumstances? Our children need active listening, too. Often the relief of being able to get it all out without getting judgment or a lecture or even advice in response helps them to manage their big feelings.
* Connection
This may not seem like a discipline tool, but it is vital. Are *you* more likely to cooperate with people whom you feel a deep, loving connection, or those who seem to be critical, disapproving, angry or too hurried to pay attention to you? Filling a little one's love cup goes a long way towards empowering them to be able to act the way they should. If a child is begging for attention through their behavior, give them attention! Love and attention are not rewards we dole out for perfect behavior. They are legitimate needs, just as important as food, water and air. Also, I've seen people tell a child who is busily engaged in an activity instructions from across a room and then be surprised or angered that the child ignored them. I know that I get very focused on what I am doing and sometimes inadvertently tune out people around me. Make sure that you are connected and that they are actively listening!
* The Golden Rule
At the core of our parenting philosophy is treating our children the way we would like to be treated. In moments of frustration, if I pause and try to look at things from their point of view, I have been surprised at the insight I gain into their behavior and motivation. Looking at the root of the issue and not just the outward behavior is so important. Even when my actions and reactions would be different from theirs because of our individuality, they recognize when I am trying to look at their perspective and appreciate that.
* Rewind
If whining, unkind words, or other issues arise, it can be helpful to offer "do-overs" (for both of you!). and give the opportunity to reframe it in a better way. A bit of silliness helps, too. My kidlets tend to love verbal play, and suggesting that a whined, "Mo-om, I want some water!" be transformed into, "My beauteous mother, I would experience great pleasure and gratitude if you were to procure for me a small container with a liquid containing two parts hydrogen to one part oxygen," would give us both the giggles. (Of course, by the time they could actually say that they could get their own water, but you get the idea. :))
* GOYB
Get Off Your Bum. This is hard, I know. It seems much easier to say things and repeat yourself over and over until you get mad and punish, or ignore the behavior. If your words are to really have meaning, though, it will often mean that you have to get up and redirect or use other tools. And, honestly, it saves both time and emotional energy.
* Help
This can be loaded, of course, but for us it just means that we help. If one of the kidlets needs to do something and doesn't, we offer assistance. This doesn't mean doing the task *for* them, but rather doing it *with* them. If there are boundaries that need to be enforced, we help them do that without shaming.
*Brainstorm together
It is amazing how cooperative and creative children can be. If we explain our boundaries and needs, they can often help us find ways that all of us can be happy. This is an incredibly valuable life-skill, too. It encourages thinking outside the box and care and respect for everyone.
* Natural/Logical consequences
I almost hate to mention this because so often the consequences I hear about are neither natural nor logical, just thinly disguised punishment. A natural consequence happens without your intervention--a child doesn't wear a jacket and might get cold. A logical consequence is clearly related--if a child gets so overwhelmed with the amount of toys that they can't keep them picked up, some might be put away for awhile. I don't think logical consequences are fair to a child who is too young to understand logic, but I think that some degree of natural and logical consequences can be helpful at times. It is important to check your motives--are you trying to make them miserable, or are you helping them to learn? How, exactly, will it help? Is it respectful or vengeful?
* Understanding and patience
While boundaries are important, so is an understanding of child development. No matter how you approach some things, whether you spank of not, a three year old is still going to be three. Knowing what to realistically expect can save you both a lot of grief. Also, even though children learn at a remarkable speed, few of us can master any new skill without practice. Many things will have to be repeated over and over and over. That is just part of the learning process. We recognize it with math, reading, writing and many other things; it is true of character and behavioral skills, too.
* Avoid foolish consistency
Parents have been taught that we must be consistent and follow through with everything, or we won't win. In real life, this is usually just stupid. Do we really want to teach our children to never reconsider a decision, even when they are wrong? I make mistakes sometimes. Part of being honest and responsible means owning up to it and making it right. I've had to apologize to my children more than once. There have been times when I've changed my mind because I reacted hastily and upon further thought realized that my response wasn't the best. I'm not suggesting we give in to every tantrum or anything like that, but if you reflect on it and realize that you said no without a real reason or that you responded harshly, by all means be honest and correct your mistake.
* Example
Kids learn from what we do, both positive and negative. How often have you seen even babies mimic gestures or expressions that you may not have even been aware that they observed? If we lack self-control, and yell, hit/spank when we don't get our way, lie (either to avoid some undesirable consequence or to manipulate others), call names/shame them, refuse to share, pout and gripe when we don't get what we want immediately, or snatch things away from them, why shouldn't they do the same things to others? On the other side, they absorb a lot of positive things just by watching us. We never forced our children to say "please" and "thank you", but they were all saying it fairly consistently before they were two, just because they were used to hearing it.
* What about rewards, praise, etc? Aren't they part of positive discipline?
Many parents incorporate things like reward charts, prizes, praise and so on into their toolbox. Personally, I tend to think that they are just the flip side of punishment if the intention is to manipulate. We do occasionally point out to our kids the positive results of their choices ("Wow--you guys helped pick up the living room so quickly. We have extra time for the park now." "Thanks for being so polite and cooperative at the bookstore today. It makes me really enjoy taking you places.") We tell them on a daily basis how much we love and like them, but that isn't contingent on their performance. We've also found that specific observations ("Hey, you did that all by yourself!" or "I noticed you remembered to put that back in the fridge when you were finished--thanks") seem to mean more to them than a generic "Good job!". YMMV.
I have been blessed with many wise parents in my life who share their ideas when I get stuck. There are message boards such as Gentle Christian Mothers or the Gentle Discipline Forum at Mothering.com and others where parents are happy to give specific tools that worked for them if you post the situations that are causing discord in your family. Prayer and teaching our children God's Word is at our foundation, and is not just a discipline response, but part of our outlook on all issues. Obviously, we are still in the learning process, just as our children are. Even when we know better, we still make mistakes, and I am sure that there are plenty of things we don't know yet! Grace is for all of us. Adding new tools to our parenting tool box has helped, though, both with short term issues and in giving us greater perspective on long term issues. I would love to hear about the tools that you have, too!
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After writing this, I began a series of unpacking and expanding each of the tools. You can open up the toolbox with me here.
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