When your child is pressing your buttons...

Entitlements

Space and Place

I believe that young people need to have space and place made for them...

They need to be shown their strengths and abilities by an adult who gives them opportunities to utilize those strengths and abilities.
They need to have space to make mistakes and fail without condemnation but gentle guidance which never shames.
They need to have the space to say they want a hug or don't want a hug (or snuggles, cuddles, what have you), but realize the offer is always on the table.
They need to have a place where they know they can expect the affirmation and love and affection they need to keep going, especially when they are questioning themselves.
They need to have the space to be over the top excited and completely inside themselves.
They need a place where they can be as strong or as weak as they need to be in that moment, a place where they can just be.
They need space where their boundaries are respected, not because of their sexuality or based on it, but because they are human.
They need a place where they see boundaries being stated, enforced and lived.
They need space to have their big feelings.
They need a place where their changing bodies, emotions, and hormones won't freak someone out, where they won't be treated differently.

Because our society is so out of balance:
Boys should be treated with extra tenderness and affection (extra being "more than society might prescribe"). We want them to have a deep well to draw from when they interact with others as they grow and as adults.
Girls and boys should be corrected gently so they understand that corrections aren't an assessment or condemnation of their character, but an understanding that as imperfect humans we are bound to be corrected and it is a help to us.
Girls need to be given an extra voice (extra being "more than our society might prescribe") with clear examples in boundaries and expectations. We want them to have the skills they need to be strong people where they are often assumed weak.

Another thing, I believe that affectionate (including, but not limited to hugs, kisses, pats, tickles, back rubs, sitting close with bodies touching....) behaviour should be a way of life. Always, they should have the freedom to step back or express their discomfort, but I think always they should expect that they "will receive" warmth and closeness when it comes to physical affection.

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Wise words from a lovely friend of mine. 

Opportunity

"Defiance" is a Prelude to Real Obedience

The Discipline of the Lord ~ Hebrews 12

Gentle discipline is more than just not spanking.  It is a whole mindset, a lifestyle.  But when we have grown up with punitive parenting, it tends to influence the way we see everything, including the Bible.  Most Christians in the US take it for granted that the Bible commands us to spank our kids, even though the only verses that would seem to back that up are Proverbs, which are proverbs--wise sayings--not part of the law.  A closer examination of the original language makes it clear that those verses have nothing in common with "spanking the right way", but if your mind has become accustomed to seeing punishment and wrath in God's actions towards His people, that becomes the lens through which the entire Bible is read.

Image credit: Alexander Smolianitski on Flickr

Hebrews 12 is often quoted as a New Testament passage that condones punishment (beating even, according to some).  As nearly as I can tell, it all goes back to the KJV.  Apparently, the translators after the King James Version actually added in the word "scourges" to the Septuagint.  It doesn't appear in earlier manuscripts, and in Aramaic it reads simply that God disciplines us.  I agree wholeheartedly that God does discipline His children. 

Let's take a closer look at the whole passage:

"Consequently, we also, since we're surrounded by such a big cloud of witnesses, must get rid of every arrow tip and the sin which easily stands around us.  We  must run the race that surrounds us by using endurance.  We must fix our eyes on Jesus, the originator and completer of our faith.  Instead of the happiness set in front of him, he chose to undergo the cross, thinking nothing of the shame.  He has taken his seat at the right side of God's throne.  So think about Jesus who underwent such opposition from sinners so that you won't become worn down and fall apart in your lives.  You haven't come to the point of bloodshed yet in opposing sin, fighting against it.  And have you completely forgotten the encouragement which addresses you as his children:  "My child, don't make light of the Lord's education.  Don't fall apart when you are put under scrutiny by him.  Because the Lord educates the one he loves and he uses the rod on everyone he welcomes as a child."
Because you undergo education, God treats you like his children--what child is there that a parent doesn't educate?  But if you go without education--which everyone is a business partner with!--then you're illegitimate and you're not children!  Then again we have human parents who educate us and we listen to them.  Surely we should follow the Father of our spirits and live!  For on the one hand our parents educated us for a short time in the best way they could, but on the other hand he educates us for our benefit, so that we can share in his holiness.  Now on the one hand education doesn't seem like much fun at the time, as it's painful!  However, later on it produces a harvest of peace and righteousness by those who have been trained in it!" ~ Hebrews 12:1-11 The Source New Testament

This passage isn't about punishment!  It is meant to encourage believers, not scold them.  I love that discipline is translated correctly here as education--teaching.  Not punishment.  The notes for verse 2 make clear that the word elegkho "to put under scrutiny" is very different in meaning from peirazo, which would mean to "put to the test (by an enemy/with hostile intent)".  Read the whole context there.  This passage is not a warning that God will hurt you if you mess up.  It is encouragement that even the difficult things in our lives can be used by God to teach us and train us.  That is true discipline. This also fits with the Hebrews 5:8.  The discipline that Jesus received was not about punishment, but about listening to His Father and encouragement in suffering. (And the reference to the rod in verse 6 would have been understood by the Hebrews as referring to guidance and discipline, and the constant presence of God in our lives--truly something where we can joyfully say, "Your rod and staff comfort me!").   

God certainly disciplines His children.  That does not mean that He hurts us so that we will modify our behavior.  It means that He teaches us.  And He redeems everything.  Even the ugly, even the painful, even the parts that bring suffering (whether caused by our own choices or simply because we live in a fallen world).  We are living Nazca lines, and He is encouraging us that no matter how evil something appears to be, that if we submit to Him and listen to His song over us, it can be transformed for our good and for His glory. 

Faithful Parenting

 

Of all the good and perfect gifts from our Father, one of my favorites is when He brings us into a group of kindred spirits.  I first found Jessica Bowman's blog when I was looking into unschooling.  I was so excited to find a whole community through her of Christian unschoolers who live peacefully with their kids.  If you aren't yet a follower of Bohemian Bowmans, you should be.  Her book, Parenting Wild Things is absolutely awesome.  (Almost off topic--when I was first invited to write for A Deeper Family, I was so grateful that Jess and Megan from SortaCrunchy were there.  In the months since I have been getting to know all those writers, my heart has been at home, even though I am still in awe of them all.)  To my delight, Jessica has been hosting a series on Faithful Parenting from a number of gentle, Christian parents.  I am finding that our circle is much wider than I knew. Today I am honored to be sharing a post there.

The Unmerciful Servant Meme

They Judge My Children Because of Me

I can generally get along with people who don't agree with my parenting views.  It is so much harder, though, to know that my children are being judged for my choices. People who disagreed with me began to see my kids through a negative filter based on their opposition to my decisions. I quickly learned to keep my mouth shut about any of my own frustrations or doubts. I tried to never complain about a sleepless night or sibling arguments or how much I hated elimination diets while breastfeeding. I didn’t want to drip blood in front of sharks. That wasn’t enough, though. Even times when I was perfectly satisfied with my children’s behavior, it was still viewed darkly by some people.

Image credit: A_of_DooM on Flickr

At first, any deviation from their ideal was blamed on breastfeeding. I was told multiple times that everything from personality traits, social interactions, sleep habits and food allergies were because I breastfed. If they cried when we left them at the church nursery, they were seen as clingy, shy and spoiled because we would come back and get them or stay with them. Later, anything other than instant compliance with a smile was magnified because we didn’t spank, even when their behavior was age appropriate.

It is hard to respond gently to criticism about our own choices. It is a thousand times harder not to unleash our mama bear when that criticism is directed at our children. Even (especially?) when it is subtle. Knowing smirks, a shaking head, raised eyebrows. I know if I say anything, it will come across as petty and defensive, but the attitude still leaves stinging welts on my heart.
What’s a gentle mama to do?

Read the whole thing over Natural Parents Network (link fixed)

Jesus Wasn't an Extrovert

Image credit: One Way Stock on Flickr

"Just I was beginning to make peace with that side of my personality, I married an extroverted Hispanic who loves to host parties.  And we had four kids.  That we decided to homeschool.  Suddenly, I was caught in the tension of my expectations and who I really am.  I watched with envy as my mother in law played with the kidlets for hours at a time.  Although I love them more than life itself, playing for more than a few minutes leaves my soul gasping for breath.  I read blogs and posts by amazing moms warning of the need to put down our phones and be fully engaged with our children, and felt weighted down with terrible shame and guilt for the number of times I check Facebook during a day.

My kids need friends, and some days I feel like I am failing them because playdates don’t come naturally to me.  I am not shy, exactly–I will talk about anything with anybody.  It is more like easily overwhelmed.  Competing noises from several people at once fry my mind.  And related, but different, is that I suck at small talk.  My brain just totally freezes.  Not to mention the inherent difficulties of focusing on a visit with another adult when I am constantly keeping one eye and ear on the kidlets.

Did I mention that there are four of them?  Each only two years apart?  And that I am with them all day every day?  The truth is that that *is* working for our family.  But I had to let go of a few things."

Read the rest over at A Deeper Family.  :)