Monday, March 18, 2013
Sunday, March 17, 2013
The DDL Statement of Beliefs, Hot Button Parenting Edition
My verbal filter has always had a leak, but the older I get the more I suspect that it has broken altogether. I was so excited about learning and experiencing new things that work for our family that I have always just blurted them out. Fortunately, I have been blessed with the kind of friends and family that can agree to disagree and still love me, even when they think I am loony or just plain wrong, so sharing my views doesn't take much courage. I hear a lot about mommywars, but don't really experience them, for which I am very grateful. That said, here's what I think about some of the hot-button parenting issues today.
Birth: I went from an epidural-by-two centimeters-dilation-please to a passionate home birth advocate over the course of four births. I believe that doulas and midwives are superheros. Every woman should grow up hearing about normal, beautiful births, and I want to make sure that my kids have confidence in their birth choices and experiences. I don't care where or how you give birth as long as you know what your options are and the benefits and risks to you and your baby.
Breastfeeding: Well, there is a reason that I am Dulce de leche, after all. Having nursed all four kids over a period of nine years and counting, tandem nursed for more than seven years and through three pregnancies, triandemed for two and a half years, persevered through nursing aversion, food allergies and more makes this one of my favorite topics. I fully support child led weaning and full term nursing. I also think that nursing in public is more than just a right of the nursing mother and child: it is important for all people to witness and affirm, especially Christians. There are many reasons why breastfeeding does not always work for every mom, and I won't judge you--but I will mourn with you if you had to wean before you wanted.
Sleep: God listens to my cries even when it is dark. He doesn't tell me to soothe myself or ignore me so that I won't bother him. I would be heartbroken if the people I loved refused to comfort me when I was hurting simply because my obvious physical needs were met. It seems pretty logical to me that I should treat my kids the way I would want to be treated there. Besides, we all sleep better together, anyway.
Circumcision: His body, his choice. I cannot find any moral excuse for cosmetic surgery on a healthy baby. There are no purported health benefits that are worth the risks and damage caused by routine infant circumcision. And I don't even have printable words for the arrogance that would assume to remove part of a child's genitals because the parents would prefer a different appearance. (For the record, we don't pierce our babies' ears, either. I believe that without an overriding health concern, their bodies belong to them and they should be the only ones to modify them.)
Vaccinations: We started off vaxing according to schedule until my son had a severe reaction at four months. I honestly believe that it is only the mercy of God that he survived and has no discernible damage. That caused me to begin researching everything I could find about vaccines. Nothing I have found so far has convinced me that the benefits outweigh the risks for my family.
Schooling: We are almost unschoolers. I attended public school and was later homeschooled through high school. I also taught K-12 at private schools for five years and have been teaching college courses for fifteen years now. I can see benefits and drawbacks of all the different options, and we will probably try out more than one approach, but for now, homeschooling is working. As a college instructor, I have noticed that the homeschooled students that I have taught stand out for their initiative and motivation, and I want to nurture that in my own kidlets.
WOHM vs SAHM: I have been working part time ever since having kids. For her entire first year, I wore my youngest baby to class with me (and wore all the others often, as well). There were times with the others where I cried on my way to work, felt milk letting down before I could make it home, and wept over the moments that I missed or anxiety about leaving them with someone else. There were also times when I thanked God wholeheartedly for time to myself and for the opportunity to be with adults without having to keep half my attention on my children. I wish all parents had the opportunity to choose what would work best for their families.
Discipline: I am a spanking abolitionist. I post on this one frequently, because there are so many voices that twist Scripture and try to teach that God wants us to hit our kids. Prayerful study of the Bible, the Proverbs passages and more, and the witness of the Holy Spirit in my heart has convinced me that God has called us as parents to show the same mercy and grace to our children that He has shown to us. How will they believe that they can be forgiven through Jesus if our actions teach them that they cannot be forgiven without a spanking? I do believe that we are called to disciple our children, the same way that Jesus taught His disciples: through our examples, through patient instruction, through washing their feet and using our authority to serve and protect rather than as a vehicle for our pride and selfishness. I will go even further, though. I honestly don't see any benefit whatsoever to punishment. Kids learn better without it, and I have no more right to demand vengeance than the unmerciful servant in Jesus' parable did. We have found better tools for our discipline toolbox.
Sex Ed for Kids: From the very beginning, we knew we would never have The Talk with our kids. Instead, we just talk, all the time. I want them to be glad that God gave them a clitoris, to learn about sex and healthy relationships (and how to avoid unhealthy ones) from us, without shame, and to understand why sexual purity matters.
Parents vs Kids: One of the tragedies of church culture today is the perpetuation of the adversarial mindset that insists that parents form a united front against their children. We are not to be marriage centered OR child centered. We are on the same team, and our goal is to be Christ-centered. My husband and I submit to each other and ultimately to God.
Misc: As far as other things like TV, food choices, diapers, kreeatiff spellings for names, our kids' appearance and all that, we lean towards a radical unschooling take on it, with lots of freedom for whatever we need. We aren't strict about screen time, but the kids prefer to play, anyway. I love raw milk and making my own kombucha and we buy organic and pasture raised as much as possible, but we also do fast food when we are in the car and in a hurry. I used cloth diapers full time on two children and part time on two, but was lucky that my younger three all potty learned on their own before they were two years old.
Faith: Knowing Christ makes me want to live a life of radical grace. I am still learning exactly what that means, but this is where I am right now.
So this is a peek at some of the choices we are making. Thanks for joining me here! Regardless of whether you agree with me or not, I am pretty sure that you love your kids and are seeking the best for your families. I am glad that we can learn together. :)
Birth: I went from an epidural-by-two centimeters-dilation-please to a passionate home birth advocate over the course of four births. I believe that doulas and midwives are superheros. Every woman should grow up hearing about normal, beautiful births, and I want to make sure that my kids have confidence in their birth choices and experiences. I don't care where or how you give birth as long as you know what your options are and the benefits and risks to you and your baby.
 |
Sleep: God listens to my cries even when it is dark. He doesn't tell me to soothe myself or ignore me so that I won't bother him. I would be heartbroken if the people I loved refused to comfort me when I was hurting simply because my obvious physical needs were met. It seems pretty logical to me that I should treat my kids the way I would want to be treated there. Besides, we all sleep better together, anyway.
Circumcision: His body, his choice. I cannot find any moral excuse for cosmetic surgery on a healthy baby. There are no purported health benefits that are worth the risks and damage caused by routine infant circumcision. And I don't even have printable words for the arrogance that would assume to remove part of a child's genitals because the parents would prefer a different appearance. (For the record, we don't pierce our babies' ears, either. I believe that without an overriding health concern, their bodies belong to them and they should be the only ones to modify them.)
Vaccinations: We started off vaxing according to schedule until my son had a severe reaction at four months. I honestly believe that it is only the mercy of God that he survived and has no discernible damage. That caused me to begin researching everything I could find about vaccines. Nothing I have found so far has convinced me that the benefits outweigh the risks for my family.
Schooling: We are almost unschoolers. I attended public school and was later homeschooled through high school. I also taught K-12 at private schools for five years and have been teaching college courses for fifteen years now. I can see benefits and drawbacks of all the different options, and we will probably try out more than one approach, but for now, homeschooling is working. As a college instructor, I have noticed that the homeschooled students that I have taught stand out for their initiative and motivation, and I want to nurture that in my own kidlets.
WOHM vs SAHM: I have been working part time ever since having kids. For her entire first year, I wore my youngest baby to class with me (and wore all the others often, as well). There were times with the others where I cried on my way to work, felt milk letting down before I could make it home, and wept over the moments that I missed or anxiety about leaving them with someone else. There were also times when I thanked God wholeheartedly for time to myself and for the opportunity to be with adults without having to keep half my attention on my children. I wish all parents had the opportunity to choose what would work best for their families.
Discipline: I am a spanking abolitionist. I post on this one frequently, because there are so many voices that twist Scripture and try to teach that God wants us to hit our kids. Prayerful study of the Bible, the Proverbs passages and more, and the witness of the Holy Spirit in my heart has convinced me that God has called us as parents to show the same mercy and grace to our children that He has shown to us. How will they believe that they can be forgiven through Jesus if our actions teach them that they cannot be forgiven without a spanking? I do believe that we are called to disciple our children, the same way that Jesus taught His disciples: through our examples, through patient instruction, through washing their feet and using our authority to serve and protect rather than as a vehicle for our pride and selfishness. I will go even further, though. I honestly don't see any benefit whatsoever to punishment. Kids learn better without it, and I have no more right to demand vengeance than the unmerciful servant in Jesus' parable did. We have found better tools for our discipline toolbox.
Sex Ed for Kids: From the very beginning, we knew we would never have The Talk with our kids. Instead, we just talk, all the time. I want them to be glad that God gave them a clitoris, to learn about sex and healthy relationships (and how to avoid unhealthy ones) from us, without shame, and to understand why sexual purity matters.
Parents vs Kids: One of the tragedies of church culture today is the perpetuation of the adversarial mindset that insists that parents form a united front against their children. We are not to be marriage centered OR child centered. We are on the same team, and our goal is to be Christ-centered. My husband and I submit to each other and ultimately to God.
Misc: As far as other things like TV, food choices, diapers, kreeatiff spellings for names, our kids' appearance and all that, we lean towards a radical unschooling take on it, with lots of freedom for whatever we need. We aren't strict about screen time, but the kids prefer to play, anyway. I love raw milk and making my own kombucha and we buy organic and pasture raised as much as possible, but we also do fast food when we are in the car and in a hurry. I used cloth diapers full time on two children and part time on two, but was lucky that my younger three all potty learned on their own before they were two years old.
Faith: Knowing Christ makes me want to live a life of radical grace. I am still learning exactly what that means, but this is where I am right now.
So this is a peek at some of the choices we are making. Thanks for joining me here! Regardless of whether you agree with me or not, I am pretty sure that you love your kids and are seeking the best for your families. I am glad that we can learn together. :)
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages (Book Review)
[This is part of the Virtual Book Tour for the launch of L.R.Knost's Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages. Click here if you’d like to check out all of the other stops on the tour!]
Two Thousand Kisses a Day strikes a wonderful balance in being informative and still easy to read for a parent with limited time. The newborn section covers sleeping, breastfeeding and babywearing. The toddler chapters deal with topics like sharing, potty learning, rejection of a parent and food issues, along with setting gentle limits. I appreciated her perspective tremendously.
The subsequent chapters were especially interesting to me because I have not seen many resources that talk about attachment parenting in older children. The preschooler section contained some must-read chapters, including my favorite of the whole book, My Little Caboose and the Very Bad, No Good...Month which is available online, as well as excellent articles on the problem with punishment, helping children cope with anxiety, delightful ideas for fun memories and dealing with mommy guilt.
The sections on middle childhood and teens are also helpful and full of wisdom and understanding, and the conclusion with 12 practical steps for month by month gentle parenting is beautiful.
I loved this book. More than just the content, which was excellent, I loved what this book did in me as I was reading it. I have read books by punitive authors such as Ezzo, the Pearls, Tripp and others who left me feeling at war with my children. I would find myself being less patient, quick to anger and assigning evil intent to their motives. In contrast, when I read Two Thousand Kisses a Day, I felt so light and loving. Little love waves kept splashing on my family the whole day, and we all experienced more peace, joy, patience, kindness and self control. That is the kind of fruit I want.
Note: Anyone who purchases the hard copy of the book by March 16th, 2013 can receive a FREE Kindle version of the book! Don't miss the rest of the tour. :) Also, be sure and check out the Little Hearts blog and Facebook pages. Seriously, y'all. I have been blessed with access to a ton of wonderful parenting pages and I simply don't have time to stay caught up on all of them, but this is one I never want to miss because it ALWAYS refreshes my spirit.
"So then, you will know them by their fruits." ~ Jesus (Mt. 7:20)
When I first began to research gentle parenting, I had two important questions: was it Biblical and did it work? Studying the Proverbs passages in Hebrew and looking at the rest of the Bible as well as my own walk with Christ made it clear to me that this was what God was calling me and my family to do. But I still wrestled with a few doubts--after all, I and nearly everyone that I knew had been parented with spanking, shaming and other adversarial parenting tools. I could see some of the rotten fruit that had produced, but I wanted to know if the fruit of peaceful parenting was better.
L. R. Knost, the author of Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages, has already seen that harvest. In an interview for Gentle Christian Mothers, she describes the results of gentle parenting in her family:
L.R. Knost: "My oldest two are, respectively, a happily married Pastor with two adorable children of his own and a happily married Family Therapist with a high-stress social services job working doggedly to protect children from the fallout of unfortunate parenting choices. My next oldest is graduating this year with a pre-med degree in BioMedical Sciences before heading into med school, but even with an incredibly tough university schedule he takes the time each week to go to a local teen hang-out spot and work in an outreach ministry he created and has been building for the last year. All of them, along with my younger children, have tender hearts that feel others’ pain and discouragement deeply, and all of them seek every opportunity to reach out with a helping hand, a kind heart, and a friendly smile."This kind of thing makes me pay attention to the wise Titus 2 women who have something worthwhile to say about how to best love our families. And what she has to say is delightful, both in content and style!
The subsequent chapters were especially interesting to me because I have not seen many resources that talk about attachment parenting in older children. The preschooler section contained some must-read chapters, including my favorite of the whole book, My Little Caboose and the Very Bad, No Good...Month which is available online, as well as excellent articles on the problem with punishment, helping children cope with anxiety, delightful ideas for fun memories and dealing with mommy guilt.
The sections on middle childhood and teens are also helpful and full of wisdom and understanding, and the conclusion with 12 practical steps for month by month gentle parenting is beautiful.
I loved this book. More than just the content, which was excellent, I loved what this book did in me as I was reading it. I have read books by punitive authors such as Ezzo, the Pearls, Tripp and others who left me feeling at war with my children. I would find myself being less patient, quick to anger and assigning evil intent to their motives. In contrast, when I read Two Thousand Kisses a Day, I felt so light and loving. Little love waves kept splashing on my family the whole day, and we all experienced more peace, joy, patience, kindness and self control. That is the kind of fruit I want.
Note: Anyone who purchases the hard copy of the book by March 16th, 2013 can receive a FREE Kindle version of the book! Don't miss the rest of the tour. :) Also, be sure and check out the Little Hearts blog and Facebook pages. Seriously, y'all. I have been blessed with access to a ton of wonderful parenting pages and I simply don't have time to stay caught up on all of them, but this is one I never want to miss because it ALWAYS refreshes my spirit.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
AP for Older Kids and Falling Into Grace
Just in case you missed them, recently I was over at Natural Parents Network describing how the 8 principles of attachment parenting have grown along with our kidlets, and over at A Deeper Story sharing how gentle discipline has given me a deeper understanding of grace.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Treasure Under Our Noses
I am so very honored to be over at Jen's place sharing about my favorite granny Psalm and how goodness and mercy follow us all the days of our lives, like rainbow farts from a unicorn. Jen is an amazing writer and an incredibly lovely person. And be jealous--I live nearby and have been able to meet her and her delightful kids in real life! I still am not a fan of running (I walked every single field test--you ORU alums know what I am talking about), but between her and Maria from Pieces of My Mind, I just might get inspired. OK, probably not gonna happen. Still, whether you are a marathoner or a fellow couch potato, read Jennifer Luitwieler's stuff. It is good.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Help, My Daughter is a Betazoid! Seeking Resources for Empathic Kids
I consider myself a slightly stunted empath. I pick up on a lot of things, but nowhere nearly as acutely as my daughter does. She is my little Betazoid, unerringly picking up on all the emotional energy around her and absorbing it into her own. When she was smaller, I watched helplessly in dismay as over and over she would eagerly anticipate an outing to someplace special, and then she would find another person, especially other children, who were sad or upset and it would wash over her so strongly that she became sad or upset along with them. I have also noticed how often her emotional state mirrors my own.
For me, this kind of thing would show up in several different ways. Mental pictures. Almost always gut feelings about what was going on inside of someone else. Things that I knew without being able to tell you *how* I knew it. Sometimes even feeling a fleeting sensation or pain in my own body.
As a Christian who grew up in Pentacostal/Charismatic circles, we have all kinds of spiritual language for this kind of thing. It was typically described as manifestations of the Holy Spirit (unless of course, it was a negative/spooky thing, in which case it was considered demonic). Even as a child, when praying for people I could sometimes see visions, or have "words of knowledge" or my hands would feel different sensations when I touched someone.
I do believe very strongly in the gifts of the Spirit and in spiritual entities. However, I also believe that emotional energy isn't always about good or evil and that sometimes it just is. But I have been frustrated in attempts to learn more because most of the material I have found has been all new-agey stuff on children channeling ghosts and showing psychic abilities, which isn't what I am interested in. I have no desire to communicate with the dead and no particular gifting in precognition. I just want to learn about how to deal with the everyday matters of managing not only my own feelings but also those of the people around me and all of the other things that we notice so much more than most people (the constant noise and buzzing of fluorescent lights, for example).
I desperately wish I had more resources on the practical matters of being an empath--books, links, whatever. I have a very intense need to learn more about this for my daughter's sake.
We recently had a rather upsetting experience, and what disturbed me the most was her account of it afterward. From my viewpoint, the confrontation was merely angry. From her description, it was violent. I could feel that she wasn't deliberately lying (there goes my own empathic radar!), but I also knew that her version didn't match up with the facts. This ate on me for days. Then I recalled a few similar incidents and suddenly everything clicked.
In each of the confrontations, a family member had been very angry and then touched her. Although they hadn't physically hurt her, she had felt their anger as a physical sensation smashing against her. As we began to talk about it, it made so much sense to both of us. She wasn't lying--she just didn't have the maturity and words to explain what had happened and the subtle distinction between the person's actions and her perception.
Realizing again how strong her empathic abilities are has also brought greater insight to her behavior in other situations recently. I have noticed how she often goes wild in a large group, or seems to get unreasonably sad or nervous as if she is shutting down. She simply gets overloaded from all the feelings and emotions of the people around her. And of course, most people don't consider it polite to express all their strong feelings in public. So if someone was angry or sad or nervous and trying to act on the surface as if everything was fine, the disconnect between what she was feeling and seeing/hearing was unbearable. As an adult, I struggle to process this kind of thing (and feel emotionally exhausted for days after a party, even when I had fun!), and being a child, she is less guarded and has fewer coping tools.
I want so much to be able to help her with this, and I really don't know how. I know that I can shield myself a bit (unless I am very tired or hormonal), but I don't know how to help her do that.
I know that this is a precious gift. I have always seen her as a Healer, and there have been many times where she has used her empathic abilities to help others. I just want her to be able to protect herself at the same time.
Ash over at Simple Gifts had an excellent post on this, but I need more. Can somebody please share how to parent a Betazoid? :)
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| Image credit: Christopher Macsurak on Flickr |
As a Christian who grew up in Pentacostal/Charismatic circles, we have all kinds of spiritual language for this kind of thing. It was typically described as manifestations of the Holy Spirit (unless of course, it was a negative/spooky thing, in which case it was considered demonic). Even as a child, when praying for people I could sometimes see visions, or have "words of knowledge" or my hands would feel different sensations when I touched someone.
I do believe very strongly in the gifts of the Spirit and in spiritual entities. However, I also believe that emotional energy isn't always about good or evil and that sometimes it just is. But I have been frustrated in attempts to learn more because most of the material I have found has been all new-agey stuff on children channeling ghosts and showing psychic abilities, which isn't what I am interested in. I have no desire to communicate with the dead and no particular gifting in precognition. I just want to learn about how to deal with the everyday matters of managing not only my own feelings but also those of the people around me and all of the other things that we notice so much more than most people (the constant noise and buzzing of fluorescent lights, for example).
I desperately wish I had more resources on the practical matters of being an empath--books, links, whatever. I have a very intense need to learn more about this for my daughter's sake.
We recently had a rather upsetting experience, and what disturbed me the most was her account of it afterward. From my viewpoint, the confrontation was merely angry. From her description, it was violent. I could feel that she wasn't deliberately lying (there goes my own empathic radar!), but I also knew that her version didn't match up with the facts. This ate on me for days. Then I recalled a few similar incidents and suddenly everything clicked.
In each of the confrontations, a family member had been very angry and then touched her. Although they hadn't physically hurt her, she had felt their anger as a physical sensation smashing against her. As we began to talk about it, it made so much sense to both of us. She wasn't lying--she just didn't have the maturity and words to explain what had happened and the subtle distinction between the person's actions and her perception.
Realizing again how strong her empathic abilities are has also brought greater insight to her behavior in other situations recently. I have noticed how she often goes wild in a large group, or seems to get unreasonably sad or nervous as if she is shutting down. She simply gets overloaded from all the feelings and emotions of the people around her. And of course, most people don't consider it polite to express all their strong feelings in public. So if someone was angry or sad or nervous and trying to act on the surface as if everything was fine, the disconnect between what she was feeling and seeing/hearing was unbearable. As an adult, I struggle to process this kind of thing (and feel emotionally exhausted for days after a party, even when I had fun!), and being a child, she is less guarded and has fewer coping tools.
I want so much to be able to help her with this, and I really don't know how. I know that I can shield myself a bit (unless I am very tired or hormonal), but I don't know how to help her do that.
I know that this is a precious gift. I have always seen her as a Healer, and there have been many times where she has used her empathic abilities to help others. I just want her to be able to protect herself at the same time.
Ash over at Simple Gifts had an excellent post on this, but I need more. Can somebody please share how to parent a Betazoid? :)
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Wonderful
Did you catch my last post over at A Deeper Family?
Head over to A Deeper Family to read the rest of the story. :)
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| Image credit: derPlau on Flickr |
"Long ago, I memorized the entire Psalm in Spanish and English. I have heard those words hundreds of times, but this time life sparked in them as I looked into the eyes of each kidlet and repeated them. “Did you hear that? The Bible says that you are wonderful.” They smiled back with perfect assurance. And my breath caught just a little, because some days I lack conviction on the part about “I know that full well”. Not regarding them–never! I see God’s fingerprints all over them, and delight in them just because they are my kids and some of the coolest, most lovable people I know. But to “know full well” that I am wonderful? Well, I keep coming across buried doubts about that somehow."
Head over to A Deeper Family to read the rest of the story. :)
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