The 10 Commandments for Parents: No Other Gods

Image credit Maxwell Hamilton

One of the best things about becoming a mom is finding new depth and riches in Scripture.  I have thought a lot about how the Beatitudes apply to parents, and last night I began to think of how important the ten commandments are in our relationships with our children.

The very first says, "You shall have no other gods before Me".  But idolatry is still alive and well within the Church.  When we hear about it, it is usually in reference to possessions, greed and general priorities.  That is important.  But there is another form of idolatry that many in the church actually encourage: setting up parents as idols to children.

There is a teaching that pervades Christianity that essentially teaches that children will never learn to follow God unless they first see their parents as gods.  Under this reasoning, children are expected to obey without question.  Worship Respect for parents is paramount, and even mere thoughts that might be out of line are considered defiance.

Some, like Tripp and Pearl, take it even further: by spanking a child, they are able to remove the child's sin and guilt (Jesus could have saved Himself a lot of hassle if He had just gotten more parents to hit their kids!).

Stated this way, it sounds kind of extreme.  But I have heard countless parents use these very arguments.  Children must learn to obey parents so that they will someday be able to obey God.  That a spanking absolves guilt, and that in fact, a child will ask for a spanking or punishment to relieve his conscience.  Not to mention all the times that I have heard parents claim omniscience and assume that they know exactly what is going through the heart, mind and emotions of the child.  I believe that this is setting ourselves up as idols for our children--taking a position that should only belong to God.

It goes even further.  Most parents are far more harsh and demanding than God is.  First time obedience with a happy heart is very popular with them.  God, on the other hand, was more concerned about real, from the heart obedience, even if it took awhile.  Read the parable of the brothers in Matthew 21.  Consider times when Abraham and other heroes of faith argued with God and it was accounted to them as righteousness.  God actually had some pretty strong things to say about those who complied outwardly but whose hearts were far from Him.  I believe that there is even a blessing in wrestling with God, in holding tight until we can choose Him without any reservations.

When we tell our children that they cannot be forgiven without a spanking or other punishment, we are clearly violating Scripture.  We are forgiven through grace because of faith in Jesus--not because someone else punishes us.  Yes, I know that many have made God into their own image and claim that He spanks us.  I don't buy it.  And, even if He did, my point here is that we are not God.  He is all-knowing and just.  We aren't.  Vengeance belongs to God, not us. And He said and shows us that mercy triumphs over judgement.  What message are we sending our children?

This applies to shaming, as well.  It is one thing to teach our children about the consequences of their actions.  It is quite another to try to induce feelings of guilt and repentance.  Conviction comes through the Holy Spirit and leads to a wholehearted desire to make amends and change.  If I try to heap shame on them and make them feel bad for mistakes, to force them to be sorry, I am not only getting in the way of that, but actually taking on the role of Satan--the Accuser.  That is a sobering thought.

Another way that parents set themselves up as idols is through a pretense of perfection.  I struggle.  I make mistakes.  And I need to be honest with my children about it.  I apologize when I do something wrong (much more often than I wish!).  I let them know when I make mistakes, and do my best to make amends. 

Finally, we have the progression all wrong.  Obedience is a result of relationship, not a prerequisite.  As our children grow in grace and wisdom, the relationship and trust will produce the desire and confidence to listen to our instructions.  Demanding compliance in the hopes that it will eventually allow them to earn a relationship with us is backwards.  God lavished love on us even while we were sinners. 

I want my children to worship God, not me.  I don't want them to see me as the intermediary between them and God.  I want them to know Him for themselves.  To follow Him out of hearts full of love and trust.  To repent from wrongdoing because they desire to do what is right, not because I have burdened them with shame and fear.  I cannot, must not, set myself up as an idol to my children.