Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The Post that Started my Blog

I have reposted this a few times already, but for all my new friends from the blog party and elsewhere, I decided to share it again.  A few years ago, I was in church with Littlemama Midwife when our pastor made some remarks condoning spanking.  In our neck of the woods, it would be more remarkable if that *didn't* happen, but it still left our hearts burdened.  Usually, I am the one who gets all riled up about something, and then dh talks me down, so I mentioned it to Carlos after the service, thinking he would tell me to just let it go— but he felt the same way I did.  So we prayed and wrote a letter together.  I shared it on a couple of message boards to get some feedback, and several posters asked permission to share it, as well.  Eventually, I realized that this topic was one I couldn't let go of — I feel compelled to share it with all of my brothers and sisters in Christ who are spanking their children because they believe that God requires it.  Our views have grown and changed in some ways since this letter was written (and I have made a couple of minor edits, but not many), but this is the letter that started it all.  :)

Dear Pastor,

We are so grateful for all of the ways that you have helped us to connect in a closer way with God. This of course has had a profound influence on our parenting. Yet, in light of a recent sermon, we would like to present to you an alternative Christian view on disciplining children. Christians, of course, are probably the strongest proponents of spanking in the US. It is, so they say, their God given right---it's what the Bible teaches. That is exactly the point of contention and what we hope to humbly disprove. 

Let's take the Old Testament. Some (our more literal-interpreting brothers) would say that it covers a period of about 4000-10,000 years; others (our more moderate and liberal brothers), anywhere between 10,000 to millions and millions of years. Irrespective of which view you hold, it has to be astounding that there is not one example of spanking in the whole Old Testament. This is especially impressive when you consider the large percentage of OT books which are more narrative than didactic. We might also add that there is no example of spanking in the New Testament, even though the time period is significantly shorter (around 100 years) and the majority of the books are didactic and not narrative. Now certainly there are some didactic passages in both Testaments that can be construed as being pro-spanking, however, they can be interpreted in a different light with sound exegesis.

Strange, isn’t it, for a teaching that is so adamantly held by so many believers that it is not illustrated once in either Testament? But, even if no narrative biblical passage illustrates spanking, if it is plainly and consistently taught in didactic passages, then we must accept it as God ordained. In the Old Testament the only passages that can be construed as being pro-spanking are found in only one book: Proverbs. A good hermeneutical principal is to not build doctrine on poetic passages. The wisdom books are full of symbolism and hyperbole and are often a stumbling block to the more literal interpreting readers. The “rod” in these Proverbs passages that so many see as a license to spank is symbolic. This Hebrew word is often translated as shepherd’s “staff/rod” or king’s “scepter”. So, if we were to be more literal, a closer translation would be bat and not twig! But that is not the author’s intent. This “rod” is a symbol of authority and guidance, like a shepherd guiding his sheep or a king governing his people. This is why the Psalmist could joyfully exclaim: “thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me” (Psalm 23:4). We do not wish to pass over this lightly, because these verses are the foundation of the Christian pro-spanking argument. However, to avoid repetition, we ask that you read the following links http://parentingfreedom.com/discipline/www.aolff.org, and http://hippiehousewife.blogspot.com/2011/11/rod-verses-taking-rod-verses-literally.html for a detailed analysis of these passages.

It is somewhat puzzling that the people who insist that spanking is Old Testament mandated claim the passages from a poetic book, yet dismiss clear instructions from a didactic passage in the Torah to stone rebellious children (Deut. 21:18-21). Why the inconsistency? You claim that one passage is obviously morally wrong. We submit that both are morally wrong, especially in light of the culmination of God’s progressive revelation---Jesus Christ, who taught us, among other things, that unless we “become like little children” we can never enter the kingdom of heaven (Mt. 18:3. See also Mt. 19:14). Implication: children are more in tune with God than adults. Which raises the question: should the unrighteous be punishing the righteous?

While the Old Testament is of great value, we recognize that no longer being under the Law changes how we apply some of the OT Scriptures to our daily lives. So even if spanking is Old Testament taught that doesn’t mean it is New Testament endorsed. Throughout the New Testament the one passage used to support spanking is Hebrews 12:4-6. Going back to the original language there, however, also changes the meaning to the importance of discipline and authority in shaping a child, not physical punishment. God certainly disciplines us but He doesn’t physically hit us when he does. Read the text. Proper exegesis shows that the pro-spanking people simply choose to read into this passage the very point they need to prove.

So, if there are no passages in either Testament that truly encourage spanking, then we must evaluate discipline according to other principles that the Bible teaches clearly. Jesus teaches us that we have two goals: to love God with all that we are, and to treat others the way we would like to be treated. Nowhere does He imply that His words do not apply to how we treat children. In fact, His interactions with children showed a special effort to value them and their feelings. He also tells us that whatever we do to the least of these we are doing to Him. Can you honestly say that you would want someone to hit you? I can't. I can say truthfully that I would want loving correction and instruction if I were doing something wrong, but being hit/spanked/popped/smacked would not be a part of it.

Jesus’ example was that the one in authority had an even greater responsibility to act in love than the one under authority. We are to demonstrate the Fruit of the Spirit. Yet how is hitting a child compatible with the peace, patience, kindness and gentleness in which we are called to walk? The Bible is very specific about how we should deal with sin in others: We are taught that in correcting those who disobey to do so gently (Gal. 6:1). Parents are specifically cautioned to not cause their children to lose heart (Eph. 6:4). Having the people you love most in the world deliberately hurt you is pretty disheartening, regardless of any lofty motives they may claim.

The Bible is clear that parents have a responsibility to discipline their children. But discipline and spanking are not the same thing. Discipline is about making disciples, or teaching. It is difficult for children to focus on a life-lesson, though, if they are distracted by the anger, hurt, fear, humiliation and resentment that result from being hit. As career teachers, our professional education classes and our years of experience with students of many ages have convinced us that the research is correct in showing that people learn more effectively through positive reinforcement than from punishment (negative reinforcement). You have seen this in the family of Kevan and Heather ********, whose children are delightful to be around. They do not spank, but instead practice gentle discipline. 

Another important point is that most of us are able to learn best from example--that is why Paul wrote to be imitators of him as beloved children. Kids are expert mimics. Too many children in our nation are learning that the way to respond to an offense is to hurt the offender. “Turning the other cheek” is not supposed to mean baring a child’s bottom. We recognize that in other relationships of authority (employer/employee, police officer/civilian, pastor/church member, husband/wife) that physical punishment is inappropriate, even when correction is needed. Children are even more vulnerable—surely we can find better ways to correct them, as well.

When Christians teach spanking, the majority has several cute euphemisms to describe it and a list of guidelines as to how, when, and with what. There is absolutely no Biblical basis for any of them—they are essentially cultural. Whether you call it spanking, popping, smacking or hitting, they all mean to strike a child in order to produce pain and fear. Why do we feel the need to create so many guidelines: spank only on the bottom or legs, only X number of times, only with your hand/a switch/a paddle/PVC pipe (Michael and Debi Pearl, some of the most popular writers on spanking in Christian circles, advocate plastic plumbing pipe, and we were given a copy of their book by a pediatrician!). Is spanking on the bottom any better than the Waorani practice of slapping their children in the face with stinging nettles? Why, if neither results in permanent injury? If God didn’t impose a limit on the number of times we strike a child, who is to say that 9 times is worse than 2? While not spanking in anger is at least more likely to avoid a total loss of control and avert serious physical injury, watching the person you love and trust more than any other calmly and deliberately choose to hurt you is a chilling experience. 

I would submit that the reason behind the euphemisms and rules that Christians create is that our conscience is condemning us. We are aware on some level that hurting those who are smaller and weaker goes against the nature of Christ, and feel a need to justify and minimize what we are actually doing.

Another issue with spanking is that as the child grows, the spankings must get harder and longer in order to produce the same level of pain and fear. When do they eventually start to cross the line into abuse? Of course, most parents stop spanking once the child begins to approach them in size and maturity. We agree that then it is more appropriate to use the Biblical admonition, “Come now, let us reason together…”. If the child is old enough to reason, spanking is unnecessary. If the child is too young to reason, then the child is too young to effectively understand what the parents are trying to teach, and the spanking is both cruel and pointless.

The false dichotomy that always pops up is that if parents don’t spank, they are not disciplining their children. That suggests that parents are relying on spanking as their main or only form of discipline. Permissive, lazy parenting is neglect. The responsibility given to parents is a great, even fearsome one. By choosing not to spank, we have gained deeper insight into our children’s hearts. It has challenged us to deal with anger and pride, and earnestly seek God’s wisdom, patience and love. Proactive parenting is more “work” than spanking, but already the rewards have been great. 

There are so many alternative ways to discipline that result in harmony and renewed connection between the parent and child. Teaching a child to do right is much more effective than executing judgment for doing wrong. When we as parents obey our directive to treat others as we want to be treated, it causes us to get behind the eyes of the child and deal with the root of the problem rather than just suppressing an outward behavior. It is amazing to see a cycle of irritability and frustration break when the parent chooses to discipline by restoring relationship. Many parents assume a time-out is the default choice if parents don’t spank. However, often what children need is more time WITH the parents to reconnect, reassure and restore. Without turning an already lengthy letter into a book, if you are interested in other approaches, we would be happy to explain how we handle specific situations or direct you to sources that we have found beneficial.

The plan behind redemption is clear: God wants to reconnect with us. All of the history of the Law shows that merely punishing sin doesn't change the heart. What changes the hearts of our children is relationship. Obedience grows out of love and trust rather than a self-centered desire to avoid punishment. If children obey simply out of fear of being spanked, their motivation isn’t righteous, but only self-centered.

As a child of God, my choice for obedience isn't based on a fear of punishment. It isn't a get-out-of-hell-free card for me. It is because I love Him and have learned to trust Him. My children are learning to obey for the same reasons. If my children do wrong and repent, for me to go ahead and hit them seems very inconsistent with the way that God has forgiven my mistakes. I have a responsibility to show the same grace toward my kids that I have received. It is God's kindness that leads us to repentance, not His wrath. 

We have chosen to look at this from a Christian perspective, but we find it interesting that the research is overwhelmingly against spanking. The American Academy of Pediatrics, like many other professional organizations involving children and health, has issued a statement against corporal punishment on the grounds that it is not nearly as effective as positive reinforcement and that it can be harmful physically and emotionally. In fact, there are some indications that spanking is associated with increased delinquent and antisocial behavior, increased risk of child abuse and spousal abuse, increased risk of child and adult aggression, decreased child mental health and decreased adult mental health. Consider this in the light of Jesus’ warning against causing little ones to stumble.

Sometimes it is difficult to discern what the Bible teaches on specific issues. You have often used the illustration of God playing hide and seek in order to encourage us to dig deeper and seek Him with all of our hearts. On the topic of spanking, He has given us glimpses of His heart–the parable of the unmerciful servant (Mt. 18:21-35), I John 4, James 2:13. None of these suggest ignoring or excusing sin, but they all teach us to be humble and loving as we show others, regardless of their age, a better way.

In closing, we chose to write this to you because of our respect for you. We know that you are someone who has the courage to look beyond the easy, superficial answers and the integrity to hold convictions that may not be popular. Believe us, in Christian circles not spanking is tantamount to heresy, but it is a very worthy cause. We humbly suggest that spanking is just another religiously transmitted disease. We love you and your family and are grateful that God has placed us under your spiritual leadership. May God bless you and your family.
Carlos and Dulce

***This is some of the backstory on our gentle discipline journey***

When we first got married, I thought that in order to be a Christian parent you had to spank. I mean, wasn't that what all the Proverbs verses taught? And if the options are an out-of-control brat who terrorizes everyone, or spanking a child, then a loving parent would have to make the choice to spank, right?

Carlos disagreed, and told me that he would never spank our kids. After our first child was born, there was so much harmony between us that suddenly the idea of hitting her was as incomprehensible as the idea of hitting myself. But what about the Bible? Turns out that those verses are not instruction to hit your kids, anymore than we would seriously suggest that suicide is preferable to portion control (Prov. 23:2). Please look up the posts on aolff.org, parentingfreedom.com/discipline/ and http://hippiehousewife.blogspot.com/2011/11/rod-verses-taking-rod-verses-literally.html  to see the original words of the verses!

Once we started the journey into gentle discipline, I originally thought that a non-violent system of rewards and punishments would be the way to go. But the more I thought about it, the more uncomfortable I felt with that. Reading Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn crystallized a lot of things for me. Connection Parenting by Pam Leo gave me practical tools.

Our kids have never been punished, but they are deeply sensitive to the needs and feelings or others, remarkably so for their ages. I overhear them talking daily about whether or not to do different things. They don't say, "We shouldn't do that because we will be spanked or go to time-out." They say, "We shouldn't do that because it could hurt someone's feelings." They really are making choices out of a tender heart for others rather than what they can get away with.

Our home is a place for loving touches. I never want my daughters to think that it is OK for the people who love you to hit you. I never want my son to think that it is OK to hit people as long as you love them.


Staci said...

The last 2 paragraphs are what ultimately led me to choose GBD over punitive discipline.

They don't say, "We shouldn't do that because we will be spanked or go to time-out." They say, "We shouldn't do that because it could hurt someone's feelings."

Our home is a place for loving touches. I never want my daughters to think that it is OK for the people who love you to hit you. I never want my son to think that it is OK to hit people as long as you love them.

That is exactly what I want for my dear children. Thank you, thank you, thank you! At the very least, you've made a difference in the life of me & my family. <3<3<3

dulce de leche said...

((((Staci)))) Thank you so much! I am so glad that God brought us together. I am learning from you, too, and appreciate your encouragement so very much! <3

CatholicMommy said...

Thank you so much for sharing this! It is a wonderful resource to have.

Amanda said...

Yes!!! I will be sharing this in hopes that some people will read it :)

dulce de leche said...

Thank you so much! We are honored that you would share it. :)

Gem said...

Wondering what response you got from your pastor . . .

dulce de leche said...

He responded very graciously. <3 He said that although we hadn't convinced him that spanking should never be used, that this was very compelling for not using it all the time. :) Obviously, I would have hoped for him to renounce it under all circumstances, but I was very grateful for his openness and thoughtfulness in his reply, and I hope that the idea will continue to grow.

Staci said...

I meant to put the middle 2 paragraghs in quotes. Not trying to steal from you ;)

dulce de leche said...

LOL, Staci. Have you noticed how inconsistent I am with quotation marks? I regularly mangle anything related to punctuation. :)

Anonymous said...

There is wickedness in the intention of wickedness, even though it be not perpetrated in the act.

dulce de leche said...

I agree with that. Most of the time, though, I don't think people are intentionally wicked. I think most people, and certainly most children, are just trying to do their best and need more support, more information and better tools in order to accomplish that. :)

Jema McCardell said...

Not sure that Cicero would be the go-to for parenting quotations, rofl...