Last night I was thinking about the joys of our family bed. I listened to Ariana recite all of Psalm 23 several times in the softest of whispers as she fell asleep. Joel woke up and asked to nurse, which is pretty unusual for him. After he finished he smiled up at me and asked to sleep next to me. As he fell back to sleep, he snuggled his head against my shoulder and hugged me tight. Elena still wakes about three times a night to nurse, so I shuffled around a bit, at one point jerking upright as my head rested on a large plastic dinosaur (I believe it was Fin Fang Foom) that Joel had brought to bed instead of my nice, soft pillow. I could hear Carlos' quiet breathing, and smiled at how cozy it is for us all to be together.
When we were dating, Carlos and I loved reading the Bible to each other. Once, when reading through John, Carlos commented on the verse in chapter 13 that mentioned John laying his head on Jesus during the Last Supper. He said that he had always thought that when the Bible talked about the Son of Man not having a place to lay his head, that it went beyond property and houses, but also to Jesus' longing for relationship with us, a place where He could be known by heart.
I remember the first time Carlos ever put his head on my shoulder. We were reading some of those same chapters. It took my breath away. I wanted so much just to turn my head and kiss him, but was afraid that might startle him into moving away. So I fought to keep my voice steady as I finished the chapter, inside singing at the closeness that went beyond words. A deep part inside of me had found home.
Jesus is God, of course. Yet, I believe that He had some of the same emotions that we do. So often, Jesus was misunderstood, even by those closest to Him. His family didn't get it, His disciples didn't get it, and the people around Him didn't get it. This morning as I read through the rest of John again, I tried to imagine the pain, exhaustion and frustration He must have felt. Praying in the garden, when He needed the disciples the most, they dozed.
Did He feel that pulverizing loneliness that crushes your heart to dry powder as you realize that the people you love don't have any idea what is going on inside you? I think His prayers speaking of His unity with the Father may have been partly to remind Himself of Reality instead of what He was feeling.
He spoke over and over of His love for us, and how that would transform us. He called us friends, and pointed out how friends understood what was going on in each others' lives. He spoke passionately about us abiding in Him, and He in us; about unity and being One. Obedience, holiness and fruitfulness are the result of the relationship, not the goal in and of themselves. The goal is simply knowing Him, listening to His heartbeat.
I think that all He ever wanted was us. Intimacy with us. For us to love and know each other by heart. The Passion of the Christ is about His passion for us, His willingness to pay the ultimate price to get sin out of the way so that we can have that kind of relationship. He longs for you, to share every moment with you, both here and in Heaven. He understands you, and He wants you. Is your heart a place where He can lay His head?