AP for Older Kids and Falling Into Grace

Just in case you missed them, recently I was over at Natural Parents Network describing how the 8 principles of attachment parenting have grown along with our kidlets, and over at A Deeper Story sharing how gentle discipline has given me a deeper understanding of grace.  

Treasure Under Our Noses

I am so very honored to be over at Jen's place sharing about my favorite granny Psalm and how goodness and mercy follow us all the days of our lives, like rainbow farts from a unicorn.  Jen is an amazing writer and an incredibly lovely person.  And be jealous--I live nearby and have been able to meet her and her delightful kids in real life!  I still am not a fan of running (I walked every single field test--you ORU alums know what I am talking about), but between her and Maria from Pieces of My Mind, I just might get inspired.  OK, probably not gonna happen.  Still, whether you are a marathoner or a fellow couch potato, read Jennifer Luitwieler's stuff.  It is good. 

Help, My Daughter is a Betazoid! Seeking Resources for Empathic Kids

I consider myself a slightly stunted empath.  I pick up on a lot of things, but nowhere nearly as acutely as my daughter does.  She is my little Betazoid, unerringly picking up on all the emotional energy around her and absorbing it into her own.  When she was smaller, I watched helplessly in dismay as over and over she would eagerly anticipate an outing to someplace special, and then she would find another person, especially other children, who were sad or upset and it would wash over her so strongly that she became sad or upset along with them.  I have also noticed how often her emotional state mirrors my own.

Image credit: Christopher Macsurak on Flickr

For me, this kind of thing would show up in several different ways.  Mental pictures.  Almost always gut feelings about what was going on inside of someone else.  Things that I knew without being able to tell you *how* I knew it.  Sometimes even feeling a fleeting sensation or pain in my own body.

As a Christian who grew up in Pentacostal/Charismatic circles, we have all kinds of spiritual language for this kind of thing.  It was typically described as manifestations of the Holy Spirit (unless of course, it was a negative/spooky thing, in which case it was considered demonic).  Even as a child, when praying for people I could sometimes see visions, or have "words of knowledge" or my hands would feel different sensations when I touched someone.

I do believe very strongly in the gifts of the Spirit and in spiritual entities.  However, I also believe that emotional energy isn't always about good or evil and that sometimes it just is.  But I have been frustrated in attempts to learn more because most of the material I have found has been all new-agey stuff on children channeling ghosts and showing psychic abilities, which isn't what I am interested in. I have no desire to communicate with the dead and no particular gifting in precognition.  I just want to learn about how to deal with the everyday matters of managing not only my own feelings but also those of the people around me and all of the other things that we notice so much more than most people (the constant noise and buzzing of fluorescent lights, for example).

I desperately wish I had more resources on the practical matters of being an empath--books, links, whatever.  I have a very intense need to learn more about this for my daughter's sake. 

We recently had a rather upsetting experience, and what disturbed me the most was her account of it afterward.  From my viewpoint, the confrontation was merely angry.  From her description, it was violent.  I could feel that she wasn't deliberately lying (there goes my own empathic radar!), but I also knew that her version didn't match up with the facts.   This ate on me for days.  Then I recalled a few similar incidents and suddenly everything clicked.

In each of the confrontations, a family member had been very angry and then touched her.  Although they hadn't physically hurt her, she had felt their anger as a physical sensation smashing against her.  As we began to talk about it, it made so much sense to both of us.  She wasn't lying--she just didn't have the maturity and words to explain what had happened and the subtle distinction between the person's actions and her perception.

Realizing again how strong her empathic abilities are has also brought greater insight to her behavior in other situations recently.  I have noticed how she often goes wild in a large group, or seems to get unreasonably sad or nervous as if she is shutting down.  She simply gets overloaded from all the feelings and emotions of the people around her.  And of course, most people don't consider it polite to express all their strong feelings in public.  So if someone was angry or sad or nervous and trying to act on the surface as if everything was fine, the disconnect between what she was feeling and seeing/hearing was unbearable.  As an adult, I struggle to process this kind of thing (and feel emotionally exhausted for days after a party, even when I had fun!), and being a child, she is less guarded and has fewer coping tools.

I want so much to be able to help her with this, and I really don't know how.  I know that I can shield myself a bit (unless I am very tired or hormonal), but I don't know how to help her do that. 

I know that this is a precious gift.  I have always seen her as a Healer, and there have been many times where she has used her empathic abilities to help others.  I just want her to be able to protect herself at the same time.

Ash over at Simple Gifts had an excellent post on this, but I need more.  Can somebody please share how to parent a Betazoid? :)

Wonderful

Did you catch my last post over at A Deeper Family?

Image credit: derPlau on Flickr

"Long ago, I memorized the entire Psalm in Spanish and English.  I have heard those words hundreds of times, but this time life sparked in them as I looked into the eyes of each kidlet and repeated them.  “Did you hear that?  The Bible says that you are wonderful.”  They smiled back with perfect assurance.  And my breath caught just a little, because some days I lack conviction on the part about “I know that full well”.  Not regarding them–never!  I see God’s fingerprints all over them, and delight in them just because they are my kids and some of the coolest, most lovable people I know.  But to “know full well” that I am wonderful?  Well, I keep coming across buried doubts about that somehow."

Head over to A Deeper Family to read the rest of the story.  :)

Gentle Discipline Failures?

This morning showcased a couple of rather spectacular failures with gentle discipline.  I will spare you the gory details, but they involved nearly two dozen eggs smashed all over my bedroom (right after we had run out of laundry soap and on a day in which there was no time to clean up the catastrophic mess) as well as weeping and gnashing of teeth from all parties.  It was ugly all the way around.

Image credit: mattck on Flickr

At one point, I was ready to write off this whole gentle discipline thing as a failure.  It didn't produce the behavior I wanted in my kids or myself.

It is true that my application of the principles of gentle discipline has been flawed.  Sometimes, I have been too busy or lazy to teach as diligently as I ought.  Sometimes I have veered towards being too permissive and then crashed with punitive reactions.  I have yelled, and at times shamed or reacted punitively.  Like today.

I really think that after nine years of immersing myself in gentle discipline, it should come a lot more easily to me, that I should not lose my temper, that I should instinctively respond with grace and wisdom.  And often I don't.

That punitive soundtrack in my head is harder to erase than a despised commercial jingle.

But I cried on the virtual shoulders of my Gentle Christian Mother friends.  I received sympathy, encouragement and wise counsel.  I made amends with my kids.  They made amends with me, including working all afternoon to help clean the mess and offering their own money to replace the eggs and other supplies.

Once I could breathe again, I realized that mistakes do not define us.  Our response to them is so, so much more important than the original error.  I have already been down the road of legalism and perfectionism that focuses on mistakes.  I know where it ends.  It isn't healthy and it isn't what I want for my kids. 

Even with my imperfect practice, gentle discipline is NOT failing my family.  Look at the rest of the story!  We broke the cycle of shaming and anger and disconnection.  We repaired the relationship.  We worked together as a team to fix the problem. 

My kidlets learned that regardless of how much fun and entertainment there seems to be in smashing eggs, it isn't worth it.  At one point I overheard, "I can't believe that it only took a minute to throw them and it is taking forever to clean it up!  This is soooo much more work than I thought it would be!".

I learned (again) something much more valuable.  That people are more important than things.  That my children do care about my feelings, and that trying to make them feel worse will not improve their behavior or attitude.  That there is great healing when we share our frustrations with loving friends who lavish us with grace in those moments when we cannot find our own.  That when we apologize and make amends it all gets better.  And that is worth far more than a couple dozen eggs and an afternoon of cleaning. 

My Inside Voice

"The way we speak to our children becomes their inner voice." ~ Peggy O'Mara

That quote makes me shudder, because my own inner voice is relentless.  I take a measure of comfort (?) in telling myself that it isn't completely true--after all, my own parents spoke love and affirmation over me often.  In fact, my inner voice perhaps more closely mimics the harsh things they said about themselves rather than what they directed towards me.  Which, now that I think about it, isn't comforting at all.

Image credit: yugenro on Flickr

I have some rock solid convictions about parenting, but that doesn't stop me from questioning everything, especially when I fail to live up to my own expectations.  And I fail all the time.  Throw in the fact that two of the four kidlets are always in disequilibrium (you Ames and Ilg-ers know what I mean) and their current ages... (Six.  Oh, six just kills me!  And three is coming up shortly after we hit seven.  Twitch.  Shiver.  Twitch again.)  Um.  Anyway.  

A few months ago, I finally got to meet in real life an amazing gentle mama that I had become connected with online through a gentle parenting board.  I will skip the details, but the combination of travel, being six, and not having much practice in a beloved sibling suddenly wanting to play with someone else, brought out rather horrific behavior in one of my children that had me inwardly writhing in humiliation and outwardly trying to maintain some semblance of calm.

I apologized to her and she gently and loving began to remind me of how God parents us.  However, she wasn't talking about what I should be doing for my children.

She was speaking His mercy over me.

With incredible wisdom, she encouraged me to stop my negative self-scripts and to listen to His voice of truth, love, acceptance and forgiveness.  To remember that I am His child and He is my abba, my papi, my daddy.  To let go of the criticism, disappointment, and shaming messages that play in my head and to respond to my own mistakes with grace and gentleness, the way that I want to respond to my children's mistakes.  I have read many similar things, and some of Naomi Aldort's materials have been helpful, but something in her eyes or voice or words made me really get it.  

I don't expect my eight year old to do quadratic equations.  My two year old can't read.  My six year old doesn't drive (although he wishes he did.  It starts early, I guess).  My four year old doesn't write essays.  And when it comes to behavior, I try very hard to let go of unreasonable expectations and look for what is age appropriate there, as well.  That needs to apply to me, too.

So even though I am an adult who is blessed to have fantastic resources, in real life role models as well as online and through books, I am only eight years old as a mom.  I am still figuring out this parenting thing and working on it.  Some days I don't know what to do.  Some days I know, but I mess up.  I need age appropriate expectations of myself.  

Since my talk with that lovely mama, it is slowly beginning to sink in.  On days when my shoulders sag, the sigh inside can't drown out the whisper of love and acceptance.  I hear His voice humming songs of peace and comfort over me, and it goes deeper than the hiss of the Accuser. 

Somehow, I believe that changing the voice inside me will also change the voice my children hear, both inside and outside.  I want it to be a gentle voice of mercy and grace, truth and love, of acceptance and love.  For all of us.

The Strong Willed Child and the Persistent Widow

Last night, my daughter had a request and I said no.  Instead of giving up, she came to me over a dozen times to ask it again.  To tell the truth, I was a little embarrassed at first, because we had guests who believe in spanking their children, and I know that so many parents feel very strongly about their children accepting something the very first time and not arguing.  My daughter's friend seemed a bit shocked that my dd wouldn't just give it up.  I wondered if it was coming across to them as backtalk.  Then I remembered the parable of Luke 18:1-8.

The Parable of the Persistent Widow 

Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. He said: “In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared what people thought. And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, ‘Grant me justice against my adversary.’“For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, ‘Even though I don’t fear God or care what people think, yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won’t eventually come and attack me!’”
And the Lord said, “Listen to what the unjust judge says. And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?”

Jesus seems to be praising a woman who kept going back to the person in authority over her and wouldn't take no for an answer.  :)  He didn't scold her for being "rebellious" or for not cheerfully accepting the judge's decision.  

Image credit: R. J. Ruppenthal

There are some parenting authors whose primary goal for children seems to be that they never inconvenience their parents.  That isn't my goal for my children.  I want my kids to be healthy in every way and every relationship, to be successful in the things that matter most to them, and to enjoy life and God.  Giving up their dreams the first time someone says no to them, even if that person is in a position of authority, is not likely to lead to any of those goals.  

Certainly, they need to develop a sense of timing, respect and courtesy to others, and to know how to best direct their energies.  But how will they get the practice of persistence if not with us?  Where will they learn how to channel determination if not in our home?

I still believe that my initial boundary was a healthy one, and I did not change my mind and say yes to my daughter.  But neither did I scold her for continuing to ask.  And there have been several occasions when I *did* change my mind rather than cling to foolish consistency.

There are many beautiful things about having a strong willed child.  It is something I am learning to celebrate rather than squash.  And I think that Jesus would agree.  

The Sermon on the Mount for Parents: Salt and Light

Matthew 5-7 has always been one of my favorite Bible passages, and it really contains the core of my parenting philosophy: treating others as we would like to be treated.  The Beatitudes are a treasure trove of incredible parenting advice for me, but I'd like to make my way through the rest of chapter 5 and the following chapters, because there is so much richness in how we relate to our family members here.

Salt and Light

¹³ “You are the salt of the earth, but if salt has lost its taste, how shall its saltiness be restored? It is no longer good for anything except to be thrown out and trampled under people's feet.

¹⁴ “You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. ¹⁵ Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. ¹⁶ In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven. ~ Matthew 5:13-14 ESV

We are the salt in our family.  Salt is known for a couple of things: it gives flavor and preserves food.  Our attitude flavors our home.  My kidlets are Betazoids when it comes to picking up on my emotions, and if things start to spiral, I am never successful at helping them get back on track until I have dealt with my own attitude first.  

Image credit: Dawn Endico on Flickr

Are we allowing the things that should be nurturing our family to spoil?  This can apply to so many things, but my first thought was, "Let your speech always be full of grace, seasoned with salt."  Our words can bring life giving flavor or rottenness and decay.  And it isn't always the words themselves, but the flavor that surrounds them.  Sometimes my words are fine, but the expression on my face and my tone of voice are poison, and it spoils any good that my words might have given.

Lights allow others to see where they are going.  The Proverbs verses that have been twisted to seem as if they promote spanking can mean the presence of the parents being like a sun that beats down on their children, providing light and warmth and a constant presence.  

Another thing that comes to mind when talking about night lights and children is helping them not to be afraid.  I don't ever want my children to be scared of me, or to feel as though they have to hide.  "Hiding my light" could also mean deliberately taking away the things that help them to feel safe and secure, not giving them the direction that they need or denying them my presence and comfort.  

Ironically, so many Christian authors want parents to hide their light from their children.  They want kids to be afraid to come to their parents, whether it is tinies crying alone at night or older kids who make mistakes and know that there will be "consequences".  That is not the way of Jesus, the light of the world, who promised never to leave us or forsake us, the one whose kindness leads us to repentance.  

Image credit: Violette79 on Flickr

I am sure that there are many things that Jesus meant when He called us to be salt and light to our children, but they have an important attribute in common: they make life more pleasant, delicious, and nurturing, by their presence.  They protect us.  I want my kidlets to want me to be around, to feel happy and secure because I am in their lives.  I want to be salt and light, and glorify our Father in heaven.

Review: Starlight Teething Giraffes

My daughter has a new friend:  Chompy, her super-cute, organic teething giraffe from Starbright Baby.    Starbright giraffes are the creation of my lovely friend, Suzi.  Her daughter had received one as a gift, but her three year old niece also wanted one.  Suzi decided to make her own, and her friends were so excited that they shared with their friends, who loved them and told theirfriends.

 I know, I know, amber teething necklaces are pretty and all that, and I am pretty sure that ours helped and all, but there were still some days when my little one was biting everything she could cram into her mouth.  These giraffes are made with a pre-washed, 100% cotton cover (available in organic cotton) that has just enough texture to soothe irritated gums.  The fill is hypoallergenic.  No worries about BPA or other issues with plastic teethers!

Besides being insanely cute, these things are tough!  My little princess demands a pretty high level of durability from her toys (which often get involved in tug-of-war challenges with a sibling) and I was initally concerned that the stitching might come loose or that the fabric would rip.  It still looks brand new (it has gotten a bit grubby, but we wiped it down and it cleaned up well.  They are machine washable, although they might get a bit bent out of shape.)

My little one is no longer teething, but she loved to carry Chompy around and snuggle him.  She is approaching 2.5 and the meltdowns are gaining momentum.  Her giraffe is the perfect calm-me-down tool for a tantrum: it is comforting, soft (both for cuddling and in case it gets thrown :shifty), she can even bite it to release frustration.

We have several friends with little ones, and these make such perfect gifts!  Here are some reasons to get one of these adorable giraffes:  they are awesome, my kidlets loved them (my four year old was seen snuggling with it several times, too!  And chomping it once), they are safe, multi-purpose (lovey, teether, a tool for calming down during tantrums) you are supporting a WAHM, they are gender neutral, and made by a gentle mother.  :happy sigh  Can it get any better than all that?

Yes, as a matter of fact it can!  She is offering a 20% discount code to all of you with the code: DLC20.  Whoohoo!  Check out her shop and don't forget to like her Facebook page so that you can see any new designs.  

Spirit-Led Parenting: Finding the Freedom to Enjoy Co-Sleeping

In April of this year, a long hoped-for dream came to fruition: my dear friend and co-author Laura and I published Spirit-Led Parenting: From Fear to Freedom in Baby's First Year . In it, we encourage parents to lay aside the advice of the experts and call upon God for direction in parenting through infancy. We are vising the blogs of friends to discuss chapters of the book, and we are so thankful to Dulce for sharing her space with us today!

It seems silly to me now, almost eight years later, that I would feel like there was a parenting choice that I was so uncomfortable discussing that I resorted to lying about it. But it's true! That's the extent to which I felt I had to cover and hide the fact that we were *gasp* co-sleeping with our oldest daughter when she was a new baby.

The books I had read prior to her birth cemented the idea in my mind that there was no way a baby should be sharing sleep in the same bed as Mom and Dad. Some of the objections were practical ones dealing with safety and long-term sleep problems, while other objections were spiritual, grounded in the idea that a baby had no place in the sacred "marriage bed."

It was these messages about the wrongness of co-sleeping that played over and over in my head every night as our sweet new baby lay sleeping between us. I was so conflicted about it myself - there was no way I could talk to any of my friends or family members about it. I already knew the idea would be condemned and we would be compelled to change what we were doing.

But I didn't want to change.

As Laura and I began the process of writing Spirit-Led Parenting, we heard from so many other parents who founds themselves facing the same conundrum - they loved co-sleeping with their babies but felt like they had to keep the whole matter secret. In the book, we explore some very valid reasons why one or both parents might be opposed to the practice of co-sleeping (and how to navigate a compromise if that is the case). But what we found most interesting was that across the board, the main reason couples felt they couldn't share the truth about their co-sleeping practice with others is because of the strongly-held belief that co-sleeping is bad for marriage.

One source for this concern for what sharing sleep means for marriage is a misapplication of Hebrews 13:4 which speaks to the idea of keeping the marriage bed pure. Most readers of Scripture can look at that verse and understand that the writer is speaking to the purity of marriage in its entirety - not just the mattress where a husband and wife lay down to sleep.

But beyond that, there are often questions about how a couple can maintain a healthy sex life when co-sleeping is involved. Many couples with more than one child (or more than two or four or even more!) who practice co-sleep find this objection to be entertaining! If nothing else, co-sleeping allows and encourages couples to find a way to think outside the bed when it comes to enjoying time spent alone together.

We go to great lengths to emphasize that co-sleeping is not a requirement or a must-do for parenting that is spirit-led. On the contrary, we hope that parents can be empowered to feel free to practice it in the short-lived season of life with a baby, and to have the freedom to know they aren't doing anything wrong. Because:

Those sweet sleep gowns and footed pajamas are all too quickly tucked away in memory boxes as time grows our little ones into Big Kids who are so fiercely independent. Someday there will be curfews and slumber parties and all-night study sessions and eventually these babies will be teenagers who have to make space in their busy schedules for us. These nights filled with squirms, grunts, and sighs are just a whisper in the lifelong conversation that is parenting. If it's possible, if it's safe, and if it's desirable, this is a precious time to make space for the warm little bodies and sweet little sleepy sounds of the ones born from the unity cultivated in our marriage beds. -- Spirit-Led Parenting, p. 187

We would love to hear your story! Is co-sleeping a taboo topic or openly accepted in your circle of friends? How is it viewed in your faith community?

Spirit-Led Parenting: From Fear to Freedom in Baby's First Year is the first release from authors Megan Tietz and Laura Oyer. Megan writes about faith, family and natural living at SortaCrunchy and lives in Oklahoma City with her husband and two daughters. Laura blogs her reflections on the real and ridiculous things of life at In The Backyard, and makes her home in Indiana with her husband, daughter, and son.

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Megan has been an amazing role model for me in so many ways.  I feel so incredibly honored to have her post here, and to be able to collaborate with her over at A Deeper Family.  This post brought back so many memories of when my eldest was a newborn, and my anxiety over doing things "the right way" and the nervousness I felt at the disapproval of our pediatrician (of course, this was the same guy who gave us a copy of To Train Up a Child with his recommendation, whereupon we found a new doc.  Our current doctor thinks it is wonderful that our babies sleep with us!).  In our case, it was actually my husband who suggested bed sharing.  Ariana had outgrown her pack and play and I mentioned putting her in her own room, even though my heart really wasn't in it.  He looked at me in shock and horror and asked, "Do you see how tiny she is?  How could we have her be all alone?  Just bring her in bed with us."  We now have four children (obviously, a family bed hasn't hurt our marriage!) and even when toddlers starfish or it seems like a bizarre dance some nights as we move around getting comfortable, there is something incredibly precious and secure about having all the people that I love most in the world with me while I sleep.

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