How Would Jesus Parent, Part II ~ Guest Post from Sam Martin

I first became acquainted with Sam Martin, author of Thy Rod and Thy Staff, They Comfort Me:  Christians and the Spanking Controversy after he graciously shared a copy of his book.  Since then, my respect and appreciation for him has only grown.  Sam is a Biblical scholar who is devoted to God, and his work to support more families in a greater understanding of grace-filled parenting is bearing tremendous fruit.  If you are curious about what the Bible really teaches regarding corporal punishment, he offers his book for FREE by emailing info@biblechild.com.

 

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Part I is available here.

When we consider the story we find in John’s Gospel in the first eleven verses of chapter 8, it gives some interesting insight into God’s parenting style. Here though we want to dig in a bit deeper into some of what I might call a more systematic theological approach to the parenting style of Jesus, who is God in the flesh.

The story in John 8 gives some information which is a skeleton of what I will call a greater system of theology and here I am going to introduce another text. It is Matthew 18.

We are all very familiar with Matthew 18 and its approach to addressing grievances between one another. While we often look at this text as one which focuses on human to human relationships, let’s not miss an opportunity to see the potential divine/human interaction in this text and because the question of judgment methods for resolving problems between each other is addressed. If we have eyes to see and ears to hear, we might find herein a stepping stone to a greater systematic theology of God’s parenting style, at least this is what I think.

The Three Stage Process: Judgment, God and Parenting

Before we develop this system of theology, there is a key point that we have to understand before moving forward. It is something can help us appreciate this idea in a larger, overall sense.

What I am proposing here is that the story we find in John 8 is in fact represents two of three parts of the judgment process that Jesus taught in Matthew 18.

Look at it. First, as I showed in the first part of this series, Jesus takes the place of the first party in Matthew 18. He goes alone to the guilty party. This is the first of the three step process.

Second, it is an interesting dynamic when you think of it, but let’s keep an open mind here because there may be an opportunity here for learning.

Jesus as I am showing is teaching us all something here in John 8, but would we not wish God (and our parents) to be consistent in His approach? I think so! Would we not wish to model His behavior? Would we not wish to follow His example? I also think we would agree that this is desirable.

So, let’s think a bit about this scene again in John 8. So, in looking for some congruence with Matthew 18, let’s think a bit outside of the box, but not stretching things too much.

When you think about this scene, it is not too hard to see the 2^nd step of Matthew 18 materializing really fast. Look. When Jesus wrote on the ground the first time, that was the first witness. Jesus was going directly to the guilty party (in secret at first) and trying to get them to repent (in secret). However, something happened. They did not repent at first! So, He was forced to take the second step.

However, in Matthew 18, one should take two or three witnesses who are also clear on the matter and then they jointly with the first party are to confront the offending party urging repentance and starting the process to righting the wrong and pursuing reconciliation and a return to complete harmony and wholeness for all.

Now, here is where we have to put on our thinking caps and realize that Jesus used other witnesses to convict the accusers! When He wrote the second time on the ground, there were a number of persons present. While we can certainly point to the miraculous circumstance and the supernatural knowledge that Jesus had (and this is one of the main messages of John Gospel showing Jesus to be divine, in control of time, space, the elements, matter possessing supernatural knowledge, etc.) , it could very well be due to the nature of the contact between the older and younger accusers and the woman accused, these people could very well have known each other and the second witness could have been a variety of parties. Certainly, the accusers had intimate knowledge of the habits of the accused.

If you have a group of people who are “scribes and Pharisees”, these are almost certainly local people from Jerusalem. One cannot imagine I think that these people were just visiting and they were able to somehow identify a local woman who was engaged in adultery. The scene in my mind is portraying a local group of religious leaders.

So, I am proposing that these accusers would have known each other. This is where it is quite possible that when it says they went out from the “the eldest to the last”, there is something that we have to think about here. Look at the cultural context. Those people who were in positions of being elders were afforded social graces due to their age and when it was the eldest who went out first, here we might be able to learn something.

Imagine the scene of a group of religious leaders and who will be the one’s making the major accusations first? It will be the elder people in the group with support from the younger, but Jesus it appears first targets these elders and one can just see the looks on the faces of people when all realized that the elder accusers themselves were guilty of the same thing they were accusing the woman of.

Let us be clear. Such a circumstance shakes the confidence of the younger people in their elders, particularly those who are in power and influence. When you see an elder (in any faith environment) caught in sin, especially a hypocrite, your faith is shaken and this is what happened in this situation. These accusers did not listen to the first witness (who spoke to them in secret) and they were then taken to the next level (as Matthew 18 demands) and their sins were made just a bit more public because other witnesses were brought to this trial to speak (not through words) in defense of the accused woman.

Here is something else to consider. What is interesting is that it says that all the accusers left from the oldest to the youngest. It is very possible that in a number of cases, the woman accused may have very well become the second witness (with Jesus being the first witness Himself) to the truth of what He wrote on the ground!

It is quite clear from the story that the woman repented and it is clear also from the story the same could have been the case for the men who were also convicted of their sins. Their repentance was not immediately evident, but it is possible that some of these people later became believers. Put yourself in their shoes. When you would have encountered this person who some were saying was the Messiah and you were not 100% sure, definitely having seen this circumstance would influence a person.

What is 100% clear from the story in John 8 is that the men backed down and did not attempt to carry out the sentence that they originally proposed. They changed their view! In a sense, we can say that they repented and backed off. Their repentance may not have been public at first and the story does not necessarily indicate that, but definitely their minds were changed and the thing they proposed initially to do was abandoned due to their being convicted of their own sins.

The third phase that did not happen

We all know what Matthew 18 tells us if a person does not listen to us after we go to them the second time with witnesses? Yes, that is correct. Then the sin is to be revealed publicly in front of all.

Now if Jesus was following the same procedure that He commands you and I to follow in Matthew 18, which is what we as children I think would want our parent to do as a good example for us, then we can imagine what would have come next!

Had those men not repented we can expect that Phase III of Matthew 18 would have been implemented by Jesus and He would have publicly declared in front of all the sins of the accusers! Their sins would have been taken to the whole community to be dealt with since they refused the secret and private resolution process that Jesus outlines for judgment in Matthew 18.

 Image credit  Samuel Martin

Adventure Stories

My nine year old snuggled close as she finished telling me about an exciting dream. "Did you ever have any adventures when you were young?" Ouch. I chose to overlook the implication that my adventurous days of youth might possibly be over with. "Of course! And every day with you four kidlets is an adventure." Her look of skepticism would have made any teen proud. So I launched into a tale of my trip to Haiti when I was sixteen, alone except for some missionaries I had never met before.

It happened shortly after the coup in the early nineties, when the country was still far from stable. On this particular day, we were headed to the Citadelle, nearly twelve hours away. We left well before daybreak, but any attempts to sleep were in vain since many of what were optimistically referred to as roads seemed to simply be paths clear of major debris. More than six hours into our trip, we encountered yet another military check point, but this one was different. The soldier in charge was obviously drunk and demanded a bribe to let us pass. Our driver, bless him, was far too upstanding to do the practical thing and slip him a few dollars. The officer grew more belligerent and insisted on seeing everyone's papers. To our dismay, we discovered that the sister of one of the missionaries had left her passport back at the base, nearly seven hours away. The other soldiers were trying to tell the officer who had been looking for a payoff to just let us go, but instead we wound up following him to their base and waiting for several hours.

The gravity of the situation--a handful of us being held by soldiers shortly after a military coup, at least one of whom was noticeably intoxicated, hours from where we normally would have been, and with no one who knew where we were--didn't make a dent in my enjoyment until I saw the expressions on my parents' faces as I recounted it to them weeks later. The only thing detracting from my fun at the time was that it was hot and I was starting to get hungry.

Hours passed.  Several times a new group of soldiers came in, looked at us, and laughed.  Suddenly everyone around us tensed. I didn't need to understand Creole to know that the man who had just arrived made the other officers very nervous. Instead of standing around joking as they had been, every man there cast a wary eye in his direction and immediately found something purposeful to do.
He finally made his way to us and began to bark out questions to our Haitian driver. Before he had even completed a sentence or two, the officer curtly told him to stop and began questioning one of the missionaries with us instead. Then he sternly ordered all of us to follow him. He made a brusk gesture toward a bench opposite his desk. It was covered with puddles that I hoped were water, but none of us hesitated a second before sitting down.

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 I am over at A Deeper Family, pondering the calling to lead a quiet life and exactly what adventures are made of.  Come on over and read the rest!  :)

Image credit: Alex E. Proimos

Letting My Daughter Go Topless

We were playing at the park this muggy afternoon when my two year old decided it was way too hot and humid to wear a shirt.  So she took it off and then danced happily away.  I felt a little less carefree, though.  I did a quick glance around, even though the park was basically empty, to see if anyone was watching.  Then I got mad.  Why should it matter that a toddler took her shirt off?

Happy and shirtless

She is two.  Two.  In many countries in the world, not a single person would blink if a two year old was completely nude, let alone just wearing a skirt.  And in my part of the US, no one would care if a two year old boy was shirtless (or even if a 12 year old boy was shirtless or a 22 year old man).  That kind of double standard bothers me. 

The reason that I have heard most often about not allowing a little girl to take her shirt off is that you never know who is watching.  There are creeps out there.  I know that.  But seriously? If a person is so perverted as to lust after a two year old, I am not convinced that the fact that she is wearing a shirt will make a difference. The idea that I should restrict her freedom, not even because of actual physical safety (I keep her close to me regardless of what she is wearing), but simply because of the possible thoughts that might cross some sicko's mind, makes me furious.

It is victim blaming.  It is enabling the pervasive rape culture that we live in.  And that is an outrageous thing to do to our little girls.

I hold that adult women are never "asking for it" regardless of what they are wearing or not wearing.  I want to teach my daughters and my son that their bodies belong to them.  Forcing my toddler to wear a shirt even when she is hot because of what others might think implies that she can control whether or not some creep has perverted thoughts.  I will not make my daughter responsible for the thought life of sick adults.

What about modesty?  As a Christian, I do believe that our bodies are sacred.  I teach all of my children about modesty of heart.  Personally, I don't think that a child's breasts are immodest.  I just don't.  If they have not hit puberty yet, I don't see them as a sexual body part any more than knees or ears or fingers.

Which brings me to another thought.  I am a lactivist who supports public breastfeeding.  There is nothing sexual about a mother nursing her child, and I would fight for any woman's right to breastfeed her babies anywhere they both desire.  Most breastfeeding moms that I know bemoan the way our culture has sexualized breasts to the point that many think a breastfeeding baby is obscene.  Yet, if we insist that a little girl cover up because of attitudes that breasts are always sexual in all contexts, then aren't we contributing to the problem?

I get that there are many practical reasons why a child might need to wear a shirt, whether it is to protect from sunburn, bugs, or even scrapes from climbing trees and all the other things my active kidlets face.  I also know that some families have religious beliefs for everyone involved (although I find it hypocritical to have a different standard for little girls than for little boys, but that is just me).

My children are not props for me to make a point against social norms.  I am not going to encourage my daughters to go topless in public (and I know that my nine year old definitely wouldn't think of it, although the four year old has still been known to ditch an item of clothing here and there).  I don't want them to be uncomfortable (that is kind of the whole point here!) or to face censure.  But when my two year old insists on taking off her shirt on a hot day, I am not going to force her to put it back on just because of what "they" might think, either.  Ultimately, I believe that reinforcing the fact that it is her body and that a little girl's breasts are not sexual objects is more important than making her cover up for any adults who have a distorted view of a child's chest.

Transformative Parenting: Finding Your Authentic Parenting Voice

One of the most exciting things about blogging is finding "a place to lay my head", a home where I feel as though I belong.  I first came into contact with Paige Stannard a few years ago, through her Baby Dust Diaries blog and then through Parenting Gently and the annual Carnival of Gentle Discipline.  I have been so thankful for her work to empower families to treat each other as they would wish to be treated.  Now she is offering a parenting course!  I am excited about this because I really believe that it will bless many families.  The course is not a specifically Christian parenting course, but her goal is to help you be able to parent from the heart, so whatever is in your heart will be the driving motivation behind what you practice.  And in the interest of full disclosure, I will earn a 10% commission for everyone who signs up through the links in this post.  I have never earned any money with my blog (I don't even have any other ads or affiliate links), but a little extra cash this summer would be very nice.  :)   Please take a moment and read through this post.  The offer is only available for a few weeks, so don't miss out!

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I don’t remember the exact moment I realized that gentle parenting was for me. The idea that “children are our future” touted in public didn’t seem to be practiced in reality.  

In reality, putting children on the “naughty step” and letting them cry out for comfort without any emotional response from their parent seemed to be the best advice for living with children.

I just knew that felt wrong to me. Finding a community of other parents that believed the radical idea that children are people was so comforting. Here were other parents who were letting go of power and control and parenting from a place of love.

I’ve been very blessed to be part of this movement through Parenting Gently and the annual Carnival of Gentle Discipline. Getting the word out that there is another way to parent and that it works has been very rewarding.

I’ve also been humbled by the parents who come to me for advice on how to handle situations with their children in a gentle manner. I know how much these parents love their kids so to be trusted with helping them is really an honor.

Do you remember the first time you tried a gentle discipline technique and it worked? Did you have that aha moment?

Gentle parenting is kind of like a drug. That first hit is like “wow! I had no idea parenting could be this fun!” and then you’re hooked.  

But, do you sometimes feel like you are still speaking a foreign language? That your initial reaction is always punitive and you have to translate or shift gears into “gentle” mode to react like you want?

Maybe in moments of stress you revert back to your old parenting paradigm and later you feel upset about they way you handled a situation?

Plus you might be getting naysayers from all sides telling you “you’re doing it wrong!”

Wouldn’t it be nice to have the gentle response be the first response that pops into your mind? So that without even thinking about it you can handle any issue in a peaceful manner? So that regardless of the opinion of others you feel confident in your choices?

The thing I realized about gentle parenting is that it isn’t just about gentle alternatives to punishment like spanking and time out.

Instead, it is a fundamental shift in how you relate to your kids.  A fundamental shift in how you relate to everyone.

And a shift like that doesn’t come from constantly having to translate every situation into a gentle alternative.  Sometimes, that can be even more stressful!

When you can find your own authentic voice and drive your parenting from the inside out, suddenly you’re not struggling to translate each situation into a gentle framework.  

You find yourself connecting with your kids more and connecting with yourself more. You smile more and feel stressed out less.

Parenting is fun. Life is fun.

It is just pure awesomeness! I want everyone to experience this personal transformation!

What if I could help you look inside and find your own authentic parenting voice and use that to make your parenting choices?

I mean most of us aren’t parenting from deep inside of us.  We are parenting on the fly as situations arise.  Struggling with subconscious assumptions built on our own upbringing, our own personality and fears, and the silent societal messages about what parenting should be.

You can use alternatives to time out, spanking, or other punishment everyday and never find that comfortable, joyful parenting groove.

That groove that comes from parenting that is rooted in your own values and goals.  After all the best parenting is your own authentic parenting.

This is why I’m so excited to be partnering with Everyday Feminism to offer the first ever Transformative Parenting: Finding Your Authentic Parenting Voice online course.

Everyday Feminism is all about transforming your life through feminism and that fits just perfectly with this idea that through self-transformation we can become the best parents we can be.

This online course won’t be hitting you on the head with feminist theory or with gentle parenting doctrine. You don’t need more external lists of do’s and don'ts.

Instead I will walk you through a process of self-exploration that will help you align your parenting choices with your deepest core values.  

We’ll look at:

• The cultural messages we receive and internalize about parenthood
• How our upbringing and personality shape our parenting
• How to break out of the cycle of parenting from a place of fear
• Finding your own core values and goals for your children and translate them into daily action
• How to communicate with compassion even in times of conflict
• How to work with your feelings and needs and help your children do the same
• And more!

All in a supportive community of fellow parents who want to break the old habits of parenting we see in our society and forge new, connected bonds with our kids.

I know that parenting is a busy task.  I’ll use several different methods of delivery so you can find what works best for you.  Each lesson should only take 1-2 hours a week and not all at once!

So you can break it up to fit your schedule.

I hope you’ll join me! You won’t regret the time spent on your own self-improvement and you will notice a profound change in your daily life with your kids.

Shall I Come to You with a Rod? ~ Guest Post by Becky Eanes

There is much debate within the Christian community about the "right way" to discipline children, and those of us who choose not to spank are often confronted with "the rod verses" in Proverbs as pro-spanking Christians try to prove their point.

I am not a theologian, and there have already been many writings on this subject, some of which can be viewed here, here, here, and here. Thus, I will not go into the Proverbs verses for this post. I want to, rather, take a look at 1 Corinthians.

Here, Paul is speaking to the church of God that is in Corinth. There is division among this church and all sorts of wrongdoing, and he writes to them and admonishes them for the things they are doing. Let's take a look at 1 Cor 4:14-21.

I do not write these things to make you ashamed, but to admonish you as my beloved children. For though you have countless guides in Christ, you do not have many fathers. For I became your father in Christ Jesus through the gospel. I urge you, then, be imitators of me. That is why I sent you Timothy  my beloved and faithful child in the Lord, to remind you of my ways in Christ, as I teach them everywhere in every church. Some are arrogant, as though I were not coming to you. But I will come to you soon, if the Lord wills, and I will find out not the talk of these arrogant people but their power. For the kingdom of God does not consist in talk but in power. What do you wish? Shall I come to you with a rod, or with love in a spirit of gentleness?

I believe Paul is providing us with a powerful example here. He is speaking to this church as they are his children and he is their father, and he tells them he is admonishing them as his beloved children, and that he does not want to shame them! Children need to be corrected and taught what is right, turned from their wrongdoing and set on the right path, and this can be done through teaching and without shame. Paul tells them "be imitators of me." In other words, he is not asking them to do what he, himself, is not doing.

Then Paul says to them, "What do you wish? Shall I come to you with a rod, or with love in a spirit of gentleness?"

Paul is saying there is a choice here. I can come to you with a rod. Or I can come to you with love in a spirit of gentleness.

Just as Paul recognized that choice with his "children," so we have a choice with our own children. We can come to them with a rod. Or, we can come to them with love in a spirit of gentleness. Love and gentleness are fruits of the Spirit (Gal 4:22-23), and we know when we accept Christ, we also abide with the Spirit.(Acts 2:38) Therefore, we should also show these fruits.

In my upcoming devotional eBook Parenting in the Spirit, I will look at each of the fruits of the spirit and discuss how these can be manifested in our parenting. I hope you'll pick up that resource when it comes available (I'm hoping it will be available by July 2013).

In the meantime, consider this choice that Paul has outlined here, and I will close as Paul did. "Let all that you do be done in love." (1 Cor. 16:14)

**You may request a copy of the book Thy Rod and Thy Staff They Comfort Me: Christians and the Spanking Controversy by emailing Samuel Martin at info@biblechild.com.

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Becky Eanes is the founder of positive-parents.org and Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond on Facebook. She lives with her husband and 2 young sons. She is also one of my heroes.  My family and I have been incredibly blessed by the grace and truth in her writings, and I am so very honored to have her share this post.  Please check out her incredibly inspiring and powerful post on speaking Biblical blessings over our children, and my review of her book, Positive Parenting in Action, and her website, Peace at Home Books.

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Allies, Not Adversaries