Shall I Come to You with a Rod? ~ Guest Post by Becky Eanes

There is much debate within the Christian community about the "right way" to discipline children, and those of us who choose not to spank are often confronted with "the rod verses" in Proverbs as pro-spanking Christians try to prove their point.

I am not a theologian, and there have already been many writings on this subject, some of which can be viewed here, here, here, and here. Thus, I will not go into the Proverbs verses for this post. I want to, rather, take a look at 1 Corinthians.

Here, Paul is speaking to the church of God that is in Corinth. There is division among this church and all sorts of wrongdoing, and he writes to them and admonishes them for the things they are doing. Let's take a look at 1 Cor 4:14-21.

I do not write these things to make you ashamed, but to admonish you as my beloved children. For though you have countless guides in Christ, you do not have many fathers. For I became your father in Christ Jesus through the gospel. I urge you, then, be imitators of me. That is why I sent you Timothy  my beloved and faithful child in the Lord, to remind you of my ways in Christ, as I teach them everywhere in every church. Some are arrogant, as though I were not coming to you. But I will come to you soon, if the Lord wills, and I will find out not the talk of these arrogant people but their power. For the kingdom of God does not consist in talk but in power. What do you wish? Shall I come to you with a rod, or with love in a spirit of gentleness?

I believe Paul is providing us with a powerful example here. He is speaking to this church as they are his children and he is their father, and he tells them he is admonishing them as his beloved children, and that he does not want to shame them! Children need to be corrected and taught what is right, turned from their wrongdoing and set on the right path, and this can be done through teaching and without shame. Paul tells them "be imitators of me." In other words, he is not asking them to do what he, himself, is not doing.

Then Paul says to them, "What do you wish? Shall I come to you with a rod, or with love in a spirit of gentleness?"

Paul is saying there is a choice here. I can come to you with a rod. Or I can come to you with love in a spirit of gentleness.

Just as Paul recognized that choice with his "children," so we have a choice with our own children. We can come to them with a rod. Or, we can come to them with love in a spirit of gentleness. Love and gentleness are fruits of the Spirit (Gal 4:22-23), and we know when we accept Christ, we also abide with the Spirit.(Acts 2:38) Therefore, we should also show these fruits.

In my upcoming devotional eBook Parenting in the Spirit, I will look at each of the fruits of the spirit and discuss how these can be manifested in our parenting. I hope you'll pick up that resource when it comes available (I'm hoping it will be available by July 2013).

In the meantime, consider this choice that Paul has outlined here, and I will close as Paul did. "Let all that you do be done in love." (1 Cor. 16:14)

**You may request a copy of the book Thy Rod and Thy Staff They Comfort Me: Christians and the Spanking Controversy by emailing Samuel Martin at info@biblechild.com.

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Becky Eanes is the founder of positive-parents.org and Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond on Facebook. She lives with her husband and 2 young sons. She is also one of my heroes.  My family and I have been incredibly blessed by the grace and truth in her writings, and I am so very honored to have her share this post.  Please check out her incredibly inspiring and powerful post on speaking Biblical blessings over our children, and my review of her book, Positive Parenting in Action, and her website, Peace at Home Books.

Biblical Instructions for Discipline: How Should a Christian Parent?

The debate over Proverbs and spanking often seems to overshadow our view of what the Bible really teaches parents.  I do believe that it is important for believers to examine those passages carefully.  What often gets lost in the focus on spanking though is that the Bible has a great deal to teach parents in other passages, too.  One of the principles of gentle discipline is that instead of just telling our children what not to do, that we give clear, positive direction of what they should do instead.  I believe God does that with His Word.  Let's examine some other verses that apply to parental relationships!

Image credit: robtxgal on Flickr

* "Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one! You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength. And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart.  You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up."~ Deut. 6:4-7 (We as parents must hold God's Word in our hearts and then impart it to our children by spending time with them and taking advantage of every opportunity to share our hearts and teach them.  Discipline is about teaching and making disciples, not punishing them afterwards for our failure to teach!)


* "Brothers and sisters, if a person is caught doing something wrong, you who are spiritual should restore someone like this with a spirit of gentleness. Watch out for yourselves so you won’t be tempted too." ~ Galatians 6:1 CEB  (The goal is restoring relationship, and that requires gentleness and humility.)


* “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’"  ~  Matthew 25:40  (Note: In Spanish, it says "the smallest" of these.  What an incredibly powerful thought--how I treat my little ones is a reflection of how I would treat my God.)

* "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment." ~ I John 4:18  (Letting go of fear, letting go of punishment, embracing love).

* "Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.  Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." ~ II Corinthians 1:2-4  (Whether it is my baby crying in the night, or my toddler having a meltdown, or my older child distressed over a "little thing", my response should be to validate and comfort. )

* "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets."  Matthew 7:12  (Would I want it done to me?  No?  Then I shouldn't do it to my children.  What do I want?  Respect?  Gratitude?  Thoughtfulness?  Am I demonstrating those qualities in the way I act toward them?)

* "Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.   Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.  ... Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged. " ~ Colossians 3:12-15, 21  (Compassion, forgiveness, peace, gratitude.  Nothing that will provoke them or cause bitterness or discouragement.)

* ^"Within minutes they were bickering over who of them would end up the greatest. But Jesus intervened: "Kings like to throw their weight around and people in authority like to give themselves fancy titles. It's not going to be that way with you. Let the senior among you become like the junior; let the leader act the part of the servant."  ~ Luke 22:24-26 (The Message)  (My authority as a parent is not a justification for controlling my children; it is the power to care for them.)

* "And they were bringing children to him that he might touch them, and the disciples rebuked them. But when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to them, “Let the children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.” And he took them in his arms and blessed them, laying his hands on them." ~ Mark 10:13-16 (Jesus showed physical affection to children.  He took them in His arms.  When He laid hands on them, it was an act of blessing, not punishment.  The children didn't flinch when Jesus raised His hands toward them.) 

* "See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven. " ~ Matthew 18:10 (To despise means to see as of little value.  It is easy to want to depreciate the feelings of children, to consider their thoughts or emotions as less important than those of other adults.  Consider how your would treat an honored friend in the same situation, and how that could affect your response to your child.)

* "Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. ~ Romans 12:17-21 (Rather than looking for ways to get back at our children or "make them sorry" for their mistakes, we are to treat them kindly--they aren't even our enemies!--and meet their needs instead.)


There are many passages throughout Scripture that model for parents how we are to treat our children.  I believe that all Scripture is valuable, and when we look at the Bible as a whole, it becomes clear that God's purpose is always to bring about healing, restoration and connection with Him.  I wanted to focus on some passages that I feel are often overlooked by believers, but I also believe that there is tremendous wisdom in the Proverbs verses, the Beatitudes, the 10 commandments and Hebrews, as well. 


When I read over these verses, I see the consistency in the grace that God has lavished on me being poured out on my children, as well.  I breathe in the peace, patience, kindness, love and even joy that is the fruit of the Spirit, and realize that Biblical discipline starts in my own life and in the way I teach my children, and grows in our relationship.  It isn't something I do *to* my children--it is a part of who we are as we follow Christ.

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Please join us all week, June 25-June30, 2012, as we explore the world of gentle, effective parenting. We have new posts each day by talented authors providing us with insight into why gentle parenting is worth your time and how to implement it on a daily basis.


We are also giving away several parenting book and other goodies from our sponsors this week. Please stop by and enter to win!


This year's beautiful motherhood artwork is by Patchwork Family Art. Visit the store to see all her work.

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Help My Unbelief

My three year old is sick. Nothing terribly serious, I believe. But she is miserable. She has had a fever and headache for the last 36 hours. I haven't slept more than an hour each of the last two nights. I keep anxiously checking her neck for any signs of pain or stiffness. I know menengitis is rare, but that hasn't kept me from worrying. I have been doing all the things I know to keep her hydrated. I know that less than two full days of a 102 fever is not unusual. I know.

But something about this little third-born of mine always leaves me with a muted sense of panic. Like some horrific challenge is ahead for this tenderhearted warrior princess, and somehow every little illness with her rattles me more than similar bugs with the other three.

I give myself all the pep talks on faith and conquering fear that I have heard since childhood. I believe in healing. I've experienced it. I come from a family whose faith that God will heal our physical bodies is vibrant and justified. Our automatic response to any sickness or injury was prayer and confidence that God would act. And we have seen miracles.

But part of me doubts, too. I've also seen terrible suffering that leaves me screaming at God for allowing it. Yeah, I know all the explanations about free will and the results of living in a fallen planet, and the charge to do what we can ourselves to fight injustice, etc. None of that satisfies my emotions when people I love are hurting.

I cuddle, and kiss her forehead again, wincing at the heat against my lips, and I pray. Oh, how I pray. And I hear the hissing voices that tell me I'm not doing it right. That if I would just pray with this attitude or those words or change my heart, then somehow I would unlock the magic formula. I recognize the lies. The God I serve is not cold and merciless, so petty as to withhold healing from my daughter because of something stupid like that. I know that he is always, always working for our good. I believe that the dust and mess and even pain in our lives still forms living Nazca lines.

Still part of me whispers to Him that we had better not ever face a real tragedy, because what if I crack? I would rather be an untried coward than someone of heroic faith. Help my unbelief.

Yet I know, really know, that He is a God of grace. The one who looked at the multitudes of dirty, smelly, grouchy and noisy people pressing him and had compassion on them and healed them.

I kiss her again (is it my imagination, or wishful thinking, or is she a bit cooler?). I pray again, mingling confidence and faith and fears and exhaustion. I believe. Help my unbelief.

The Power of Words--Guest Post by Becky Eanes of Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond

Image credit: edenpictures on Flickr

The Bible has much to say about the power of our tongues. As parents, we have an incredible opportunity to build our children up and to speak blessings into their lives, but so often we fall into the habit of constantly correcting our children or having sharp tongues when we speak to them. When we nitpick, find fault, and criticize our children, we destroy their self–image, and with our negative words, we will open a door, allowing the enemy to bring all sorts of insecurity and inferiority into our child's life.  Such negative words will cause our children to lose the sense of value God has placed within them.

There are many verses in Proverbs relating to the power of our words.  Here are a few.

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.  Proverbs 18:21

There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 12:18

Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body. Proverbs 16:24

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit. Proverbs 15:4

Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding.  Proverbs 17:27

It’s interesting that Romans 12:14 tells us: Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them.

If we are to bless those who persecute us, how much more so should we bless our children? I believe our parenting will be profoundly impacted if we study on these scriptures as it relates to how we talk to those whom God has entrusted us with.

Ephesians 4:29 (ESV) tells us: Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Let us be reminded to encourage and build up our children, to intentionally look for and point out their good qualities. Let us be reminded to guard the words that come out of our mouths, that they may only be used to build them up and give them grace.

Psychology is catching up with what the Bible has already taught us, that if we continually speak negative words to our children, their self-concept will be adversely affected.  They see themselves as they believe we see them, and they behave according to that self-concept. 

If we choose to discourage our children, to speak negativity and destruction into their lives, we will give an account to the Lord.

I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak. Matthew 12:36 (ESV)

With authority comes responsibility, and we have the responsibility as the spiritual authority over our children to make sure that they feel loved, accepted, and approved.  Speak blessings over your children daily. Words are powerful both for the one who speaks them and the one who receives them.

Saying a blessing out loud empowers our children to step into their calling. This intentional act has the power to transform their lives and set them on the right path.  Ask God to give you the exact words to share with each of your children, and make time each day to speak this blessing over them. The blessing may look like this:

I bless your life as I know you will become a wonderful woman/man of God. I bless your mind to remain sound and for you to have wisdom and discernment in all decisions. I bless your mouth where words of truth and encouragement will flow. I bless your heart to remain loyal to God’s will for your life. I love everything about you, and I am proud to be your mother. You bless our family and your friends in so many ways.

When we start speaking this over our children, I believe we set them up for success.  No matter how young or old your children are, you can bless them with your words. You can bless them in the crib or bless them when they bring their families to visit you at Christmas.  As their parent, your words are powerful regardless of their age.

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Becky Eanes is the founder of positive-parents.org and Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond on Facebook. She lives with her husband and 2 young sons. She is also one of my heroes.  My family and I have been incredibly blessed by the grace and truth in her writings, and I am so very honored to have her share this post.  <3

A Letter To My Divorced Friends

Dear Ones,

You already know that I stink at small talk, so I'm just going to jump right to the heart of it.  You are not a failure.  I hurt for you, for all the things that you went through in the marriage.  I am mourning with you the death of the dreams that you had when you first got married.  I am sorry.  And I applaud your courage for getting to a safe place.

Among all the platitudes in churchianity, the idea of a spouse who patiently endures has been romanticized until any truth was pretty much lost.  It is a religious Barbie doll.  I know you.  I know that you did not take your marriage vows lightly.  You didn't divorce him because he snored.  When one partner has violated their vows and is abusing you (regardless of whether that abuse is blatant physical abuse or more subtle emotional abuse), that is what destroyed your marriage. 

You did the right thing.  If you had stayed, there is no way that you could ever have been *enough*.  No amount of submission, of trying harder, of yielding your rights, would have made it right.  What they were doing is blatant, unrepentant sin, and you are not called to enable that. 

I am thankful that you didn't listen to the lie to stay for the kids.  The truth is that your children learn what marriage looks like from you.  They will internalize what they see and hear and sense.  Even if you don't think that they are picking up on it, they are.  For them and for any children yet to come, a healthy single parent is much better than two unhealthy parents.

I know that you have had it pounded into you that God hates divorce.  What many Christians fail to explain with that is that divorce is more than a piece of paper.  God doesn't gasp in shock and horror when a divorce is finalized because all of a sudden a marriage has been destroyed.  He knows it was destroyed long before the papers were signed.  He knows our thoughts, our innermost beings.  He hates that echad is destroyed and broken.  He hates that His precious daughters are hurt.  He hates the lies, the crushing of heart and spirit, the anger, pride and cruelty of sin.  He doesn't hate you, and He is not disappointed in you for not sticking it out and subjecting yourself and your children to more in hope that somehow, someday it would change--or even worse, falling prey to the idea that you deserve to be treated that way.

You are loved.  Cherished.  Wholly and completely.  He will never abandon you, never stop loving you, never stop liking you.  He delights in you, for exactly who you are.  He will always keep His promises to you.  He wants you.  He enjoys you.  Shame off you! 

I love you and admire your strength and honesty.  And I believe with all my heart that your future is full of hope, because I like who you are right now.

With all my love,
Dulce

I Gave Up Spiritual Mountain Climbing

Image credit jfdervin on Flickr

God has been real to me since childhood.  I can't remember a time when I didn't know He was there.  Even as a child I knew He listened to my prayers.  And I wanted so much to get to know Him better.  I prayed.  I read my Bible.  My parents and grandparents were pastors, so church was a given.  I soaked up teachings by Elisabeth Elliot and others.  I meditated on large passages of Scripture in the best tradition of Bill Gothard.  I read most of the books in the extensive libraries that my dad and grandpa kept--Bible stories, missionary biographies, devotionals, even theology books.   They grounded my soul.

But going to camps and conferences and mission trips?  That is when I soared.  I started when I was about 10 or 11, I think.  These were the old fashioned, Pentecostal-style church camps with at least two services a day, lengthy altar calls and emotions rising higher than the heat of an Oklahoma summer.  By the second year, I knew the pattern well.  The daytime services were usually just OK.  Mildly boring sometimes, like most regular church services, or kind of dumbed down for kids.

The evening services were much more intense.  The preaching was usually a bit livelier, the music a little more emotional.  The altar services crescendoed from a few kids praying briefly the first night to hours-long sessions full of tears, manifestations of several different spiritual gifts, and the ultimate spiritual high by the last night.  I didn't actually go to the camp from the Jesus Camp documentary, but I went to its country cousins, and in my teens I attended camps in Colorado with New Life Church (Ted Haggard was pastoring at that time) that had many of the same elements, but with a much more polished result.

If you haven't experienced it, no description can fully convey it.   A large gathering of preteens and teens pouring their hearts out in worship, striving to enter more fully into the presence of God and doing anything they can to get to that spiritual mountain top.  We would tearfully confess sins and repent.  We begged for the Holy Spirit to fill us, for God to speak to us, to transform our hearts.  And He did.  We were sincere, and God met us in amazing ways.  (And yes, there were also some pretty unhealthy things going on at times, too, but that is probably for another post).

We would come home with stars in our eyes, hearts vowing that we would keep the fire burning.  We wouldn't let it die down until our hearts were lukewarm.  We would pray and read our Bibles an hour each day.  We would witness to all of our friends.  We would destroy any rock music or anything else could cause our hearts to grow cold.  But it didn't work.

Inevitably, the spiritual high would wear off.  We would slip off that mountaintop.  And then we would laboriously begin the climb again.  The guilt was a heavy burden.  Every trite, well-meaning cliche (God doesn't move away--if there is distance in your relationship, it must be your fault!), added another stone to the pack of shame and guilt.  I would resolve to try harder.  But there was a hollowness there.  No matter how much I would strive, the emotional feelings just weren't the same.

I began a pattern of spiritual mountain climbing that would last for years--earnestly seeking a way to maintain the same high from the last camp or conference or mission trip, trying to recapture the ease of hearing God's voice, seeing His power, and feeling His heart beat.

What if it was never meant to be that hard?

I know we are called to seek Him with all our heart.  I am not advocating lazy faith.  I've simply learned to rest in His love.  I am not afraid of His rejection anymore.  I don't have to be enough, because Jesus is.  I always believed that about salvation, but not about actually living life as a Christian.  I kind of saw it as Jesus paying the down payment, but I was obligated for the periodic payments from that point.  And I gauged how well it was working by the consistency of the peaks.

Funnily enough, I still experience those mountaintop moments.  Even more often than before.  In prayer time in the middle of the night as I nurse a sleepy baby.  In the frazzled moments when I am losing my temper and suddenly breathe in peace.  When I feel His smile as we talk about the day.  In that perfect tingly buzz of transcendent worship.  When we catch our breath at the lovely colors of His sunset sky-paintings, or the clouds that are the dust of His feet.  When I hear His whisper in Scripture.  When I pray.

The emotions haven't disappeared at all.  But they aren't my altimeter, measuring how far I have climbed.  They aren't something I try to reach for. They are just nice.  If they aren't there, I am not wracked by guilt or fear or shame.  It isn't an endeavor.  It is just mercy, grace and relationship that is made up of every moment of everyday.  I gave up spiritual mountain climbing, but somehow, the view is even better from here.

Wifely Submission, part II: Before the Fall

Once I began to re-examine everything I thought I knew about wifely submission, I went all the way back to the creation account in Genesis.  It was puzzling to find some things that were seemingly ignored, and other things that I thought were there required a broad ability to read into things, to say the least.

First of all, Genesis 1:27 proclaims that both men and women are created in God's image.  Stop and think about that for a moment.  Women are created in the image of God.  Not men are created in the image of God and women are an afterthought.  God is not a man.  Sure, we use masculine pronouns to refer to Him and His physical body was male, but He is Spirit.  The Bible uses unmistakeably feminine imagery to describe God in several places--talking about the God who danced in the act of giving birth to us, giving images of us nursing at God's breast.  In fact, the name El Shaddai can be a reference to God's breast nurturing us. 

(The song is not totally relevant, but I love it, so I am including it anyway. Bonus :)

I had been taught that the very order of creation demonstrated the hierarchical nature of God's design:  Man was created first, then woman.  Of course, if you are determined to find significance there, animals were created before man, and I have never heard anyone claim that the Bible teaches that people were under the authority of animals.

But what about the fact that woman was made as a "helper"?  We tend to think of a helper as a subordinate.  Surely that means that woman is meant to be under the authority of man, right?  Except that the Bible frequently uses the same word to describe God.  He is our help, our strength, our power.  Nowhere is it ever implied that God is under our authority!

The Hebrew phrase that is used to describe Eve is 'ezer kenegdo'.  Far from being a term of inferiority or even subordination, this is a phrase that emphasizes equality of position.  The 'ezer' part is that of strength, help and power.  'Kenegdo' refers to being face to face.  It can even mean opposition!  Looking at this from Hebrew makes it clear that man and woman are a team.  Woman is a source of strength and help, and if necessary, can be help that opposes--one who helps stand in the way and opposes a wrong direction.  I love Crystal Lutton's descriptions, "a valiant ally", one who is "face to face with a shared vision."

It is clear that before sin entered into the picture, God's design was for man and woman to complete each other, to rule together.  Both were created in His image, and there is no hierarchy between them.  Then what happened?  The Fall.  That messed up everything, including God's design for relationships.  But His desire, design and purpose, don't seem to include a hierarchy in marriage.  Did that ever change?

To be continued

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Read the whole series :)

Wifely Submission Part I

Wifely Submission Part II: Before the Fall

Wifely Submission Part III: The Fall

Wifely Submission Part IV: What God has Joined Together 

Wifely Submission Part V: Wives, Submit Yourselves to Your Husbands 

Wifely Submission Part VI: Spiritual Leadership 

Wifely Submission Part VII: Who Makes the Final Decision?

Wifely Submission, part I

Do I have a rebellious, Jezebel spirit?

Growing up, I secretly feared that I would never find a man to marry.  I was saturated with the teachings of Elisabeth Elliot, Bill Gothard, et al on wifely submission, authority and gender roles.  I understood without a doubt that I would need to be a submissive wife.  The problem?  Finding a guy I would be willing to submit to.  Even with ones that I liked a lot and was very attracted to, I knew that I could not joyfully trust them to make the final decision on something if we disagreed.

I have always been one to choose truth over relationship.  I knew that if my own relationship with God and my own intelligence were leading me one way and my husband disagreed that I would have a very hard time submitting.  I certainly couldn't see myself doing it in the prescribed method of a cheerful attitude and docile respect.  No, I was honest enough with myself to realize it would be with me digging my heels in and arguing all the way.

I tried really, really hard to believe all of the teachings that I was given.  My mother reminded me countless times that I had to respect the husband's position of authority and his right and responsibility to exercise it, even if I didn't feel respect for the person or the decision itself.  I knew Gothard's teaching that the one under authority could make a Godly appeal.  If it was denied, she could suffer for doing right (of course, this only applied if what the husband was requiring of her was blatant sin, not mere stupidity).  Otherwise she should cheerfully submit and be confident that somehow, even if the husband made a bad decision, her submission would be counted as righteousness and God would bring some good of it.

My doubts persisted.  Carlos was the first and only man I met who I trusted enough to think that I would be able to submit.  To my surprise, he believed that the Bible taught mutual submission, and that we were to submit to each other.  HUH?  That was the beginning into a deeper look at what the Bible really teaches about wifely submission.  What I found shocked me.

To be continued.

Image credit: x-ray delta one on Flickr

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Read the whole series :)

Wifely Submission Part I

Wifely Submission Part II: Before the Fall

Wifely Submission Part III: The Fall

Wifely Submission Part IV: What God has Joined Together 

Wifely Submission Part V: Wives, Submit Yourselves to Your Husbands 

Wifely Submission Part VI: Spiritual Leadership 

Wifely Submission Part VII: Who Makes the Final Decision?

It is Not My Job to Persuade Her Not to Spank

Image credit michelle brunner on Flickr

My dreams rarely make sense, but last night, they did.  I was back where I started first making the decision to turn away from spanking.  I was earnestly trying to explain to some parents of my K -12 students why we no longer supported corporal punishment.  I pulled out my copy of Thy Rod and Thy Staff They Comfort Me: Christians and the Spanking Controversy by Sam Martin, only to see that someone had doodled all over the covers.  I recognized the handwriting as someone close to me in real life who doesn't get our decision at all.  In the dream, as I flipped through my book, I was dismayed by all the damage, but I soon realized that it was only on the outside.  The person to whom I had lent the book had never even read it.  She had simply used the covers for scratch paper.

We have had so many conversations about this.  And to be perfectly honest, not very grace-filled ones.  I get so incredibly frustrated that no matter how many times we have discussed it, each time seems as if we are starting from scratch.  Any of the documented negative consequences of spanking and all research are ignored.  The sexual damage that spanking can cause is met with shock and disbelief.  Pleas to examine the Scripture are shut down because the Bible must always say exactly what a person from our culture casually skimming the KJV would assume.

Her side of it consists of the exact same arguments.   She praises pro-spanking authors like Dobson and Gothard for all of the great good they have done for families.  She reiterates that spanking is only harmful if done in anger.  She brings out the instant obedience in the face of danger argument.   If the conversation is still going at this point, she will add that my kids don't always obey, with the implication that whatever I am doing isn't working perfectly, and maybe they need a good old fashioned spanking.  She argues that God spanks us.

Why do we even bother to have this conversation?  Partly because each time she would give the appearance of listening and a degree of openness, and promise to read more links and info if I would send them.  Partly because her approval matters to me.  Partly because our relationship is close, and this issue is so important to me that I want it to be important to her, too.   Partly because I am stubborn and get tunnel vision all too often. Partly because we are family, and have long established patterns that we still fall into even after recognizing that they aren't healthy or beneficial.  I wanted so much to think that if I somehow said the magic words they would sink in.   I wanted to believe that deep down, her defense of spanking was really protesting too much--that she didn't fully believe all the things she was saying and that a part of her didn't want to spank but was simply parroting all the things she has been taught.

Somehow, the dream made clear to me what any outsider would have seen long before:  she really does believe what she is saying.  She genuinely believes that spanking is beneficial, and any pretense of being interested in alternatives or reasons why spanking is harmful is simply misguided courtesy.  She will doodle on the covers of my beliefs regarding spanking because she has no desire to delve into the book, and doesn't really consider it important to begin with. 

I am slow sometimes.  When it comes to strangers, I am quick to remind myself that I don't have to persuade them.  I cannot be the Holy Spirit to someone else.  Whacking people over the head with our views is rarely productive.  I know all this.  But I forget so easily, especially when it comes to family.

Frankly, the bean dip approach is not who I am.  I don't think it will ever come naturally, because as much as I loathe confrontation, I blurt and feel compelled to talk back, even when my brain is shaking its head no.  I fully believe that there are times when we are called to speak up, particularly on issues like spanking when the victims have no power to speak for themselves.  But maybe, just maybe, there are also times when we are called to let go of things that were never our right or responsibility, like changing someone else's mind.  So I am not going to stop blogging about spanking or gentle discipline.  But in this particular relationship, I am purposing to let go of the compulsion to convince her (and I am blogging about it to help me remember).  It is not my job to persuade her not to spank. 

Confessions of a Spanking Abolitionist

Image credit pepsiline on Flickr

It has been bugging me for a couple of months now, but I kept trying to push it away or rationalize it.  Today I realized that I can't do it anymore.  I cannot be a member of a local church where the pastor advocates spanking from the pulpit.  I did it for years, and tried to focus on all the areas where we do agree.  I just prayed, spoke up when I could, and told myself that it wasn't an essential point. 

I imagine that for some of the early abolitionists in the South, the process was similar.  They reminded themselves that most Christians around them believed that the Bible supported slavery.  They minimized it by saying that the pastor only taught that slavery was Biblical once in awhile.  Mostly it was just included in passing references or anecdotes.  I think that they knew and understood the culture, because they had grown up in it.  They probably had people that they loved and respected who were slaveholders.  They didn't want to act out of pride or arrogance.  Perhaps they tried to tell themselves that it wasn't a foundational point of doctrine--just one of those areas where people had to follow their own conscience.

But eventually, the conviction would grow in their hearts that how we view other human beings, created in God's image just like us, our brothers and sisters in Christ, really does matter.  That the command to treat others as we would like to be treated is foundational.  That how we study and interpret Scripture is part of the basis for trust in a pastoral relationship.  That how a pastor views God and people will color the rest of his theology, too.

I live in the buckle of the Bible belt.  And most people here take the "belt" part very literally.  It is extremely common here for pastors to preach on spanking.  The vast majority of churches in the area regularly offer classes where parents are instructed to spank early (often before a year), and often--at any sign of disobedience or defiance (which usually means any time the parent suspects the child of questioning the commands).

My parents, grandparents and in laws were all pastors.  I understand that they are human.  I know that *I* make mistakes, and that humility and the willingness to learn from others is important.  I don't expect us to see everything exactly the same, and there are plenty of areas where I could just agree to disagree.  But I have come to the place where this is foundational for me.  It is about our understanding of the very nature of God, about the atonement of Christ, about grace.  Jesus said that whatever we do to the least of these, we do to Him.  I cannot align myself under a pastor whose view of these issues is radically different from what I believe the Bible teaches.  And knowing what I know how about how terribly spanking can damage families, I cannot support a person in a position of authority who continues to exhort parents to spank. 

It feels a bit lonely.  I am afraid that my friends and family will think I am making too big of a deal about it.  It sounds safer to just maintain the status quo.  It also feels discouraging, considering the dominant culture here.  I suspect that some of the things that are preferences for me (like the style of worship) will be sacrificed.   But I want and need to be an active part of a local body, and I have to be able to be fed without screaming inside that we are all being poisoned.

Image credit trevorstone on Flickr

I don't want a civil war with my brothers and sisters.  But I am firmly convinced that how we treat our children is a human rights issue.  The culture in most of the US sees them as property, as less deserving of protection because of their age, as less than full persons, and then uses Scripture to justify it.  I cannot be a part of that.  (And for those who wonder if I think spanking should be illegal, yes I do.  I don't for a moment believe that hitting a child is a parental right any more than hitting a spouse is a marital right).  I am a spanking abolitionist, and I am seeking a church home.

It's a Lifestyle, Not an Event

". . . gentle discipline is a lifestyle not an event. People have said 'we discipline like this' and then described how they spank, give time outs, enforce consequences, etc. I have realized that discipline is about teaching, and we teach our children every moment of every day." ~ SonshineMama via Gentle Christian Mothers

When we first began to look at gentle discipline, I was full of panicky questions.  "What about this?  But what if they still don't do what I want them to?  Then how do I handle this?"  Looking back now, a couple of things stand out to me.  I still saw discipline as an event.  A "consequence" to a specific situation.  And I still thought it was about controlling my child's behavior, just in a nicer way. 

Over the years, my perspective has changed.  It isn't an event anymore.  It is a way of life.  And it isn't just about parenting.  It is for all my relationships. It applies to my marriage, my coworkers, my students, my friends--anyone who is part of my life.  So what does it look like?

Image credit Walking Geek on Flickr

Connection, not competition.  Instead of seeing others as opponents and viewing interactions as winning and losing, I need to focus on the relationship.  My kids aren't adversaries, and I don't have to view anything as a battle.  No one has to lose.  Really.  If we are on the same team, then I can focus my energy on what works best for *everyone* involved. In a disagreement with my husband, with a friend, or anyone else, this still holds true.  If I direct my attention to our relationship, it is amazing how many little things resolve themselves.  Even for boundaries that must be marked out and enforced, when it is within the framework of loving connection it allows so much more harmony and peace.

Looking for the unmet need behind the behavior.  Whether it is a child in the middle of a meltdown, a stranger who is less than courteous, a cranky spouse, a manipulative mother in law--if you can see the motive behind the actions, it is much easier to respond with grace.  Unacceptable behavior is always about someone trying to meet their own needs in an inappropriate way.  "Punishing" them for it with our own unacceptable behavior doesn't help.  If you know what the root cause is, you may be able to find a better way to help them meet their needs.  Maybe they need to feel connected?  Heard?  Maybe they just need something as simple as a snack or a breather.  Maybe they are exhausted, afraid or stressed out?  Perhaps they feel out of control of other areas and are trying to compensate?  Even if it isn't a need that you are able to meet, identifying it can help you deal with the symptoms.

Clear communication is an essential part of gentle discipline and gentle living.  And for most of us, it is like learning a whole new language.   It starts with eliminating unhelpful patterns that only alienate others.  Then it involves learning how to identify and clearly express what we *do* want and need.  As parents, we learn that shaming, vague instructions and merely telling them what not to do (instead of alternatives that would work better) aren't effective ways to communicate with our children.  They don't work well with adults, either.   Honesty is important, too.  If you imagine that gentleness means a sugary, artificial passivity while others wreak havoc, you are wrong.  Lying to ourselves and others doesn't help anyone.  Nonviolent communication is an amazing book.  I really can't recommend it enough. 

Protecting ourselves and others.  At its core, gentle discipline is about respect for healthy boundaries--theirs and ours.  We need to take responsibility for ourselves, and not give others power over us that should not belong to them (they can't handle it appropriately, anyway).   We must own our words, feelings and actions.  Then we must allow others to own their words, feelings and actions.  If you have been conditioned to avoid conflict, it seems at first much easier to just do your best to please everyone until you collapse or explode from the burden.  I think that for women, especially, this is a model that many of us have grown up with, and establishing a new pattern can seem daunting.  The thing is, conflict will eventually come, regardless of our efforts to avoid it.  We cannot make other people happy.  Allowing them the right to experience and learn how to handle their own feelings is essential, whether they are three or thirty.  Happy is not the only acceptable emotion, but expressing other feelings without hurting the people around us takes knowledge and practice.

Image credit williamcho on Flickr

Smell like love.  Each of us creates our own atmosphere.  Like a perfume, peace in our hearts emits a fragrance that influences everyone around us.  When I am anxious, edgy or upset, all of my family members pick up on it. And if you have ever been around someone who tried to mask BO with a heavy dose of perfume, you know that covering up unpleasant odors doesn't work! 

If the air around us stinks, it is a signal to look at our own unmet needs.  Maybe there is fear from past events that haven't fully healed.  So often when we begin to look at others' actions through a lens of grace and see the needs driving their behavior, it alerts us to our own needs that we have been trying to meet in unhealthy ways.  I want my life to radiate love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, trustworthiness, gentleness and self-control.  But those fruits don't spring out of nowhere--they must be planted and nurtured in my life.  Weeds that would choke them out or stunt their growth need to be pulled.

So I am in the process of moving toward a life full of grace.  Not a series of discrete events.  Not just as a form of discipline.  Not just for my children.  I am not there yet, but I am excited about the journey.  When I first began the road to gentle discipline, the writings of Crystal Lutton helped me tremendously.  Her book, Biblical Parenting, answered so many of my questions and gave me a new way of looking at a lot of things.  While mulling over this whole idea of Grace Based Living, I found that her book on that is available on Kindle.  I am going to get it today.  :) I am so excited about intentionally learning and growing in a lifestyle of grace, and so thankful for all of you who are joining me.  <3

Disclaimer: Crystal Lutton and the Gentle Christian Mothers message board have been an amazing source of inspiration, help and grace in my life.  However, we are all individuals and I do not speak for them.  I am sure that there are some posts of mine that they might disagree with.  Feel free to attribute any good stuff to their influence, and stuff that is not so good is probably my own.  ;)   I don't have enough words to express how incredible these ladies are or how much they have blessed my family, so instead I would just invite you to join GCM and see for yourself.  <3

Delight Yourself in the Lord

I love the expression of delight on her face.  :)

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." ~ Psalm 37:4 NASB    This is the question my friend challenged me with:  How do you delight in the Lord?  We all know the mind over matter, love is a choice ideas.  But delight?  That comes down to more than just a mental choice for me--there is emotion and a deep down heart response.  Does fake it till you make it cut it here?  I don't know, although I have some doubts.

But when I consider what I do delight in--my baby laughing, my husband giving me that look, hugs from the kidlets, savoring a perfect glass of creamy, rich iced coffee, the satisfaction of a perfectly written line of dialogue by one of my favorite authors, a glorious sky painted in vivid colors, my favorite song coming on Pandora exactly when I am in the mood for it--it all comes back to a common denominator.  Awareness.  Focused attention.  Because if I am preoccupied with other things, I can miss the joy of all of those.  It takes a moment of concentration and letting go of everything else to fully experience delight.

"Nothing is as important as wasting time with God." ~ Jamie Buckingham.  In Spanish, verse 4 says to enjoy the presence of the Lord. "Disfruta de la presencia del Señor." (RVC)  To me, the delight of wasting time with someone I love is the way that the underlying awareness of their presence imbues mundane activities with joy.

God also delights in us, you know.  Zeph. 3:17 has always been one of my favorite verses.  The NIV says, "He will take great delight in you."  There are a lot of variations in the middle of the verse depending on translation, but they all begin by saying that the Lord is with us.  It always seems to come back to being together before we experience delight.

So today I want to intentionally sniff around for His fragrance in my day.  To look for the sparkle in His eyes peering through my children.  To listen for His heartbeat in the arms of my husband.  For His whisper amid the cacophony of everyday activities with four rambunctious energetic kidlets.  To spend time gazing into His eyes by myself, regardless of the demands of all the "things that must be done today".  To waste some time with the Lover of my soul.  To really, truly delight in Him.

Spiritual Roots of Discipline

Image credit Gabriela_Allegro on Flickr

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and self-control." ~ II Tim. 1:7

I only recently realized what an important verse this is in terms of gentle discipline.  So often, punitive parenting is rooted in fear--not only does it cause fear in the child, but it is based on the parent's fears.  Think about the last time you felt a need to punish your child.  Most likely, there was an element of fear involved.  Maybe fear of not being able to control your child.  Fear of what others would think.  Fear of what your child would turn into if you didn't punish.  I know that when I am tempted to punish, those are the driving motivations.

What is absent in that?  Power, love and self-control.

Power.
Real power doesn't need to prove itself.  Someone insecure in authority creates battles as an excuse to prove dominance.  When I was 15, I spent the summer babysitting 50+ hours per week for three boys.  I wanted their respect and first time obedience.  I would get irritated watching their interactions with their grandmother.  It seemed like a cop out when she didn't perceive things as defiance the way I did and instantly try to squash it.  I felt like she wasn't going to the heart of the issue by tackling what I saw as disrespect or disobedience head-on.  Eventually, I realized that it was the opposite.  I was the one focusing on superficial issues.  She was so secure in her power and authority that she could afford to show mercy and grace, and to look beneath the surface to see the less obvious needs for connection.

Our power to control others is limited.  Have you ever tried to force a reluctant child to sleep?  You may be able to coerce them into staying in bed, but not into actually sleeping. (Can you even make yourself fall asleep as soon as you wish?  I can't.)  We cannot obtain power over another person's heart through coercion.  Regardless of the gilded promises of Christian parenting gurus, you cannot punish your child into loving God.  Or into being a good person.  As parents, we have a tremendous amount of power, but not always in the way that we think.  If we try to grasp power that we don't have, children will respond to our violation of healthy boundaries with fear and rebellion.  It erodes the connection and trust in our relationship.

The power that we do have is the power to care for our families.  We have the authority to protect our children.  To teach and guide.  Their dependence on us gives us enormous power in shaping their lives.  From a Biblical perspective, that means serving.  Washing their feet, both literally and metaphorically.  Meeting their needs to the best of our abilities.  Recognizing the need for connection, even when (especially when) it manifests in unpleasant behavior

Love.

I Cor. 13:4-7  NIV "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

When I have wanted to punish, it was not because of love, despite any lofty motives I might claim.  It was because I was impatient.  (They should know better!  They should do what I want right now!)  Unkind.  (Shaming).  Prideful.  My pride wounded because they didn't demonstrate the respect for me that I wanted.  Embarrassed by what others might think.  Dishonoring them by dismissing their feelings and thoughts.  Self-seeking.  Trying to bulldoze through with my agenda, without regard for their feelings or developmental levels.  Delighting in evil?  Perhaps not, but presuming evil intent on their part comes awfully close.  If we are expecting to find the worst in them, that little part of us that wants to be right may well be rejoicing in the satisfaction of having our suspicions validated. 

Self-control.
All of the spanking experts stress the importance of self-control.  Parents should never spank in anger.  That can be tricky if you need a moment to cool off, since they also stress the importance of punishing promptly (otherwise, the behaviorism isn't going to be as effective, since the child may not associate the pain with the infraction).  And how many parents get caught up in cycles of punishment, where their own lack of control in yelling and punishing causes the atmosphere of the home to deteriorate?

I spoke earlier about the limits of power.  We aren't really meant to control others, and if we try to usurp that power, we will always face conflict.  We are, however, given power to control ourselves.  Are we modeling for our children the attitudes that we want them to reflect?  When we are maintaining healthy boundaries and controlling ourselves the way we should, the desire for punishment diminishes remarkably. We are then able to correct in ways that help turn the hearts of our children to their parents, and turn our own hearts toward them.

Image credit Karlina - Carla Sedini on Flickr

The decision to leave behind punitive parenting means letting go of fear and learning to parent with power, love and self-control. "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment." I John 4:18  I do not want my relationship with my children to be grounded in a spirit of fear.  Instead, I want to sink deep roots into love, to be grounded in self-control and secure in the power to do what is right. 

Another Letter to Another Pastor on Spanking **Sensitive**

Earlier this week, in a discussion on  pastors who endorse spanking from the pulpit, I was given permission to share this letter.  I am not sharing the author's name, but this story is not unusual.  I know that many people who support spanking will likely feel outraged and say that things like this are never their intent.  I am sure that that is true.  Unfortunately, regardless of the parent's motives, spanking can cause many problems.  I am so grateful for M.C.'s courage in sharing with this pastor and in allowing me to share this here.  There is a lot of secrecy and shame about some effects of spanking, and we need to shine light on it in order to bring healing to our brothers and sisters in Christ.  Because of the sensitive nature of this post, comments will be heavily moderated.

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Dear Pastor ________
Last Sunday (February 24th) I was listening intently to the sermon you were giving on backsliding and distancing yourself from God. I was really into the message, and I felt like the message was speaking to me; and then all of a sudden something clicked off inside of me and I was no longer able to listen. It is highly ironic that one of the metaphors used in your sermon on becoming distant from God was precisely one of the many issues that has made me feel cynical towards my upbringing in the church, and has probably made me feel somewhat distant in my relationship with God. When this illustration was used in the sermon it was a complete distraction to me and I totally lost focus on the purpose of the message. The illustration I am referring to is the one where you said that God paddles backsliding believers in order to bring them back to himself; and also the comment that compared the role of the church on a backsliding believer’s life to that of an older sibling warning the younger to knock off their behavior or else they would experience a sore painful backside from the father’s paddling. When these illustrations were used I couldn’t help but stop listening, and if you will be patient in listening I will try to explain why.

When I was growing up in the shadow of the fundamentalist Baptist Church corporal punishment was generally accepted as God’s command for lovingly disciplining children. I remember many Sunday school teachers and Awana leaders instructing all of us young children on why it was loving and godly for our parents to hit us. I vividly remember one particular message given by an Awana leader who told us, “My father showed me his love with his belt and if your parents love you they will also show it with a belt.” At home this teaching was carried out in action from a young age. My brother and I were commonly spanked bare bottom with either our father’s leather belt, or his homemade wooden paddle. I can recollect my feelings during these times. I always felt terrified and my stomach would tie itself into knots. During the wait in the bedroom, my brother used to become so anxious that he would end up running to the bathroom and vomiting; and the pain was always unbearable. Sometimes the experience was even more horrible for me because I knew I didn’t mean to do anything wrong. Because of my Central Auditory Processing Disorder there were times where I would miss-communicate what I was trying to say, or information would get mixed up in the processing centers of my brain; when this happened I was often accused of lying and was paddled despite my futile attempts to explain that I really did not mean to lie. Equally horrible were the times I would be sitting in a room and would hear the loud smacks as the wooden paddle hit my brother who was screaming and crying in the adjacent room; my stomach would weave itself into knots knowing that I was helpless to save my brother from that pain and fear.

I do not believe that support for corporal punishment has any place in the church, and I refuse to show any support for ministries that support or teach that corporal punishment is acceptable and godly (ex. Focus on the family). It is absurd for me to imagine the Jesus who told us to turn the other cheek when our enemies hit us; the Jesus who told us to continually forgive those who sin against us; and the Jesus who stopped Pharisees from stoning people caught in sin would advocate whacking children with pieces of wood. I have researched this issue a lot and have found that there is little (if any) biblical support for hitting children as an act of discipline or punishment. Everyone always tries to cite proverbs as a defense for corporal punishment, but from my research it seems that those verses have been seriously misinterpreted and twisted over a long period of time. I do not see any reason to accept that Proverbs is a literal command or support for whipping children with rod’s; if anything, the message of those verses in proverbs is that if you refuse to take the time to correct and teach your children then you really do hate them (I do not believe this correction and teaching has anything to do with hitting children).

I also find it funny when Christian writers, or Christian organizations like Focus on the Family, try to instruct people in the biblical/non-abusive approach towards spanking. I find it funny because there is nothing in the bible that gives parents instructions on how to hit their children in a godly manner (despite the countless Christian parenting books that try to describe the biblical step- by- step process for hitting your children in love).

I also resent when people try to tell me that the only reason I was negatively affected by corporal punishment is their claim that my father’s corporal punishment was abusive and unbiblical. I resent this because it was not true during the time period and the church culture in which I grew up. Many parents from my generation, and from the church culture I grew up in, whacked their children’s bare backsides with belts and wooden paddles, and it was not considered abusive. Furthermore every Christian writer, and every Christian ministry that tries to defend corporal punishment, has a different standard of abuse.

 Some Christians say that if you chose to spank, then you should give only two swats on a fully clothed bottom….however, other Christian “authorities” recommend 5 swats…and others 2 swat for each year of the child’s age…Some of these Christian ministries say that it is abusive to spank with an object. Others agree with James Dobson and Roy Lessin and say the use of a neutral object is best…Some of these various authors say that the child should be fully clothed during the spanking, while others say that a child’s clothing should be removed so they feel the full extent of the pain, and also so that the parent can monitor the extent of the damage on the skin…Some of these people say that a spanking should not be painful, and that the child should just feel a firm impact with-out any painful sting (in this case the writers suggest that the purpose of spanking is to just get the child’s full attention, it is not to cause pain). Other Christians say that a spanking should definitely be a painful experience for the child….Some Christians say that if there are any marks or redness on the skin from spanking, then it’s abuse…others say red marks are OK…some Christian ministers say redness is OK, as long as it only lasts for a few minutes…while others say it is perfectly fine for the redness to last for a long time…Some Christian writers like Roy Lessin even suggest that light bruising is Ok and doesn’t qualify as abuse.

No one in these examples has a definite unified view of what a so-called “non-abusive? Spanking is. It becomes a ridiculous question of “how many times can I hit my kid, and how hard can I hit them?? Even the issue of marks on the skin becomes a somewhat relative issue. Some kids bruise easily, and even the “mildest? swat may leave a slight bruise…some don’t bruise easily at all; so the parent could whack the child pretty hard, cause pretty extensive pain, and yet still not be culpable of abuse because no bruise was left. How much pain is too much pain? How do you really know if you have crossed the threshold of “appropriate” disciplinary pain, especially if, as Roy Lessin suggests in his infamous book “Spanking, When, Why, and How”, you cannot even trust the child’s crying because it is manipulative? None of these views on corporal punishment has any way to answer the question of when spanking is abuse. Each commentator has their own view as to what constitutes abuse, and the line between abuse and discipline is hazy and ineffective. And since there are a number of negative risks associated with corporal punishment, why would anyone take the chance of harming their child…there are plenty of other effective alternatives. I also can’t help but think that if spanking was mandated by God, then why wouldn’t he leave any commentary or examples of how to “correctly” do it in the bible?

I think the whole argument I just described (the difference between spanking and abuse) completely misses the point; you are not supposed to hit other people Period, including children. Husbands are not allowed to hit wives if they have a disagreement; bosses are not allowed to hit employees if they don’t do things correctly; in fact everyone in the United States is protected from being hit except children. A better definition of abuse is to say that people are not supposed to hit each other, and therefore any type of hitting is an act of mistreatment and abuse. This is the safest position to hold. God did not intend for us to hit each other, and therefore ALL hitting should be considered a form of mistreatment or abuse.

I know a lot about the negative effects resulting from spanking. The physical and emotional consequences I think are pretty clear, but there is one other negative effect that few people feel comfortable talking about, and I am only going to discuss it with the trust that you will not tell anyone that I am one of people dealing with it (Only a few people at our church like Katy know about this). I am talking about the sexual side effects associated with corporal punishment.

Ever since I was a young child I can remember having sexual thoughts related to corporal punishment. The asexual child is a common myth in our society, but it is simply not true. Children are fully capable of experiencing sexual feelings and can even experience sexual arousal. When I was a child I used to experience sexual feelings whenever I read a scene of corporal punishment in a children’s book; or when I saw a scene of corporal punishment in a film; I used to think about being spanked when I would play with myself as a child, and as an adolescent masturbation was always accompanied by thoughts about spanking. I never really questioned any of this until I started college. I realized that it seemed really strange that my sexual thoughts would revolve around something that was so painful and frightening as a child; I mean, sex is supposed to be focused on something beautiful, not on being inflicted with pain. I did some research and I found some answers to explain this. I discovered that there was both a biological and psychological component to the sexualization of corporal punishment; and I also discovered that there were many other people who suffered sexual side effects from childhood corporal punishment.

The biological factor revolves around the fact that the buttocks is an erogenous, or sexual, zone of the human body. The buttocks are in close proximity to the sex organs, and the nerves and blood vessels in the buttocks are also connected to the male and female genitalia. Therefore, striking a child's bottom as a form of punishment can stimulate the nerves connected to the genitalia causing sexual arousal. When a child's bottom is hit it also causes blood to rush to the blood vessels of the buttocks (causing redness), and since those blood vessels of the buttocks are connected to a person's genitalia, the blood can also rush to the sex organs which of course causes sexual arousal.

During the spanking, the child may not even realize that the sexual arousal is occurring because of the intense physical pain and anxiety they are experiencing; however, the connection between the spanking and the sexual arousal can be stored in the subconscious and later manifest itself in sexual fantasies where the child imagines being spanked, hit, or humiliated in order to reach a state of sexual arousal.

In addition to the biological factors there are also psychological factors that solidify the connection. Since the buttocks is a sexual and private part of the body a child becomes confused when a parent is able to touch this area of their body in a violent manner. There is a confusing message that occurs when a child is told by the parents and the church that their parents spank them because they love them. The child may begin to think that the people who love you hit you; they may even associate the action of spanking/pain as an expression of love. Therefore, a sexuality may develop that is focused on spanking as an action of love. The sexual overtones of corporal punishment may become even stronger because of the fact that many parents remove a child’s pants and underpants when spanking. There are many people who have stories similar to mine; spanking can cause distortions in a child’s developing sexuality, and for that and many other reasons it should not be supported.

You may think I am crazy, but I assure you that I am not. I am 100% serious. I always tell people that if you don’t believe that there is a connection between corporal punishment and sexuality then they should do a search on the internet. I tell people who doubt the connection to type in the word spanking on their internet search engine and to count how many pornographic sites related to spanking show up on their search results. I also tell people that I can give them internet links to sites where people describe their own personal childhood experiences with corporal punishment and their currant struggles with sexuality. I also have links and articles and books that talk about the connection between corporal punishment and sexuality. Both sociologist and psychologist have studied the connections between the two, and I not only agree with the findings…I know from experience that there is a connection.

So, when the illustration about paddling was used that Sunday something clicked off inside me and I couldn’t listen. You were talking about people being distant from God, and ironically it is that issue of corporal punishment that has created a lot of baggage in my relationship to God and the Church. I was told by my church that spanking was loving; I was told that spanking was endorsed by God and that all Godly and loving parents spank their kids; so imagine how it feels to me when I know that spanking distorted my sexuality and contributed the anxiety issues I deal with, and yet I hear churches and ministers and authors all saying that it is loving and godly. I cannot embrace that in any way. How am I supposed to feel close to God when so many people in churches defend something that has been harmful to me and for many other people?  When that metaphor was used, all I could think of was how frightening and painful it was to be hit with that paddle, or strapped with that belt when I was growing up…and all the emotional and sexual baggage that went with it.

Thanks for listening to my concerns. I was debating on whether I should write this, but I felt I had to because of the way this issue affects me. I have appreciated your ministry at the church and have never raised any concerns about your ministry before; but I had to voice my concern about this. It just frustrates me so much that many churches still accept the myth that corporal punishment is god-mandated, loving, and non-harmful. 

M. C.

La niña de tus ojos

Yo soy tu niña, la niña de tus ojos.  Me amaste a mí.

"Guárdame como a la niña de tus ojos; escóndeme a la sombra de tus alas." ~ Salmo 17:8

I love the play on words from this with Spanish.  "La niña de tus ojos" refers to your pupil--the apple of your eye.  Of course, "niña" is also a little girl.  When I hear this, it reminds me that God sees each of us as His beloved little girl, the apple of His eye.  He has called us by name.  His arms are always holding us close, swinging us through the air as we dance together.   

Son Rise

I awoke this morning, bleary eyed, for the fifth or sixth time as the baby started frantically suckling.  She is teething and it has really messed with her sleep patterns.  I am also sore, thanks to her apparent misapprehension that I am a teething ring.  As I squint at the blinds, I can tell that it is nearly dawn.  I stubbornly squeeze my eyes shut, not yet ready for it to be daytime.  I breathe in peace, and I hear the echo of the verse that has been whispering in my soul for the last few days.

"But for you who revere My name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in His wings." ~ Malachi 4:2

There is incredible power and beauty in those living words that I haven't fully grasped yet, but my spirit recognizes that this verse has come to me for this particular time.  A kaleidoscope of images and verses twirls through my heart.

"If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me; Your right hand will hold me fast." ~ Psalm 139:9-10

"Before the dawn-wind rises, Before the shadows flee, I will go to the mountain of myrrh, to the hill of frankincense.  For me the reward of virtue is to see your face, and, on waking, to gaze my fill on your likeness." ~ Song of Songs 4:6, Psalm 17:15  The Jerusalem Bible

 ¹ Dios mío, ¡tú eres mi Dios!
Yo te buscaré de madrugada.
Mi alma desfallece de sed por ti;
mi ser entero te busca con ansias,
en terrenos secos e inhóspitos, sin agua,
² con deseos de ver tu poder y tu gloria,
como los he mirado en el santuario.
³ Tu misericordia es mejor que la vida;
por eso mis labios te alaban.
⁴ ¡Yo te bendeciré mientras tenga vida,
y en tu nombre levantaré mis manos!

 ⁵ Mi alma quedará del todo satisfecha,
como si comiera los mejores platillos,
y mis labios te aclamarán jubilosos
⁶ al pensar en ti recostado en mi lecho,
al meditar en ti durante mis desvelos.
⁷ Porque tú has sido mi socorro,
alegré viviré bajo la sombra de tus alas.
⁸ Mi alma está apegada a ti;
tu mano derecha me brinda apoyo.

Salmo 63:1-8 Reina-Valera Contemporánea (Note: in Spanish, the first verse of Psalm 63 talks about seeking God in the time just before dawn.  I am not sure why the English version doesn't.)

So often the imagery of daybreak is connected with wings.  I wonder why?  I admit that there is a sense of much that is elusive to me in these verses, like hearing a beautiful song with lyrics in a language I don't quite grasp, even though I am humming along to the melody.  

What I do understand from it is light, beauty, healing, comfort, joy and intimacy. His wings wrapped around us, His breath on our foreheads.  His light shining on us ever-brighter.  So, despite cranky babies and lack of sleep, I will continue to breathe in peace and healing.  Despite the cacophony of too many things going on around me, I will listen. I will keep my sleepy eyes open for a glimpse of His wings brushing past, and let my spirit sing along with the song of the Son of God, rising.