Rotten Fruit

Image by astrogator on Flickr

I am a follower of Christ.  He taught us over and over that we need to judge things by their fruit.  I want to ask you, not for me, but for yourself: what fruit did spanking produce in your life as a child?  What fruit is it producing now if you spank your children?  I know, I know, we were all spanked and turned out fine.  Most spankers I know are loving people who want to do the right thing.  Most people that I know who were spanked as kids grew up into great people, too.  But I am asking about specifics, not generalities.  What were the direct results of spanking?

Think back to the times you were spanked.  What do you remember?  Are you able to remember specifics, or do you blank out on parts of it?  Interestingly, most people that I talk to have a hard time remembering details.  They only remember pieces.  Some remember all the events leading up to a spanking, but their memories stop there.  Others remember the spankings themselves, but not what they did to get spanked in the first place.  Aside from the fact that memory issues are often associated with trauma, if you don't remember why you got the spanking in the first place, how did it really help?

If you do remember, how did it motivate you, really?  I know that the idea is that you will be afraid to do whatever misdeed again.  Did it work?  Or did you repeat the same action again at some point?  Did you just resolve not to get caught the next time?  Or did you ever decide that doing what you wanted was worth the price of the spanking?   If it worked, were there any other strategies that would have worked, also?

Did it make you angry?  Did you wish you had the power to get revenge?  Did you ever feel that you were being hit unjustly and feel resentment over that?

Did it fill you with shame?  And if so, was the shame associated with your actions, or with yourself as a person?  Did the shame go away after the spanking, or did it remain and deepen?  As an adult, do you still struggle with self-acceptance, perfectionism, and shame issues?

Did it make you more honest, or did it make you feel a need to be deceptive?  Did you ever find yourself pretending that everything was OK, gulping back tears and trying to act in a way that would satisfy your parents, even if it wasn't authentic?

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If you spank your children, what is the fruit of that in you?

Do you feel angry?  I know, all the books say we shouldn't spank in anger, but they also say not to wait too long before spanking.  Do you feel frustrated or at peace?  Do you ever resent your child for "making you" spank him?

Do you ever feel shame about the frequency, method, or severity of the spankings?  Do you ever feel a need to hide or be less than fully honest about your spankings?

When you prepare to spank your child, are you motivated by pride?  Either anger at perceived lack of respect, or fear at what others will think of you and your parenting skills?

Does spanking produce kindness in you? Gentleness? Patience? Self-control? Goodness? Trustworthiness?

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law."  ~ Galatians 5:22-23 NIV

 ^"But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely." ~ The Message  

I have many, many resources that I will be happy to share if you are seeking to look deeper at what the Bible teaches us about discipline.  I will post some of them in the comments soon.  But for now, consider the fruit of the Spirit, and the fruit of spanking.  Is spanking resulting in rotten fruit?

This post was written for National Spank Out Day.  I will be updating later today with more links and resources from other participants, but here are some that are participating.  If you would like to be included, please leave a comment with your link. :)

National Spank Out Day

Permission to Live--Journey of a Young Mom

Bicultural Mom--Why I Hate Spanking

TouchstoneZ--Spank Out Day

I Am Totally *That* Mom--Spank Out Day

Littlemama Midwife--Marriage, Parenting and Grace

Imperfect Happiness--The Great Spank Out Day

HybridRastaMama--Spanking: Why Alternatives are Needed

Kelly Hogaboom--Non-Punitive Parenting: A Starting Primer

Becoming Crunchy--In Honor of Spank Out Day USA

Beautiful

I am so, so excited.  Sarah from Under the Olive Branch has written a guest post!  If you haven't yet visited her blog, please head over there.  Although The Restoration of All Things finished, there are many more stories to be told!

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Photo credit rante i on Flickr

One thing that stays on my heart is the way that people feel about themselves, and how much that has to do with what they are constantly told. Directly or indirectly.

People are not told enough, in no uncertain terms, that they are beautiful. Of course we all know that advertising, bad habits of comparing ourselves to others, and comments we hear from people about other people can pile up into a scary under-the-bed monster that comes out every so often just to remind us that beauty is still far from our grasp. Like a tiny purple flower growing on the peak of the world's highest mountain. We are required to pursue it while knowing full well that by the time we reach it's former home, frost bite will have long since destroyed it beyond all recognition.

And what are we armed with? Cliche phrases like, "True beauty comes from within.", and "But you are fearfully and wonderfully made!" Both of these are so true, that the actual realization of it in a glorious moment of understanding almost hurts. But how do you transfer that understanding to a dear friend as she lingers before the mirror a few moments longer, scrutinizing her every curve? Or to your sweet little cousin who simply won't be convinced that her freckles are lovely? Or even to yourself when you have a slight lapse into vanity and forget?

I don't mean to imply that this is solely a girl's conundrum. Plenty of guys struggle with what they look like as well.

Too tall, too short, too fat, too thin, too lanky. Wrong nose, wrong complexion, wrong eyebrows.

Don't even get me started on hair. I was "blessed" with curly hair that not one hair dresser on the planet knows what to do with. They just want to brush it. Then I have to turn sideways to get out the door.

The truth is that there aren't enough words to say that can convince a wounded spirit that she is beautiful. She (or he) has to be shown. We have grown up in a world where ugly is among the most fearful things we feel we could possibly be.

No. We have to show each other that beautiful is not something to be achieved by suddenly morphing into [insert gorgeous celebrity here]. It comes from embracing the person God made you to be.

A bottle of hair dye can be so much fun, and a new diet can be healthy.

But they are not what make you beautiful.

You aren't beautiful because you're taller than that one girl, or shorter than that other one.

Not because your hair outshines all the other hair in the land with it's glossiness.

Or because you have the perfect hourglass figure.

No.

You are beautiful because you listen.

Because you sing.

Because you play.

Because you love.

Because you are you. The only you ever.

I want to encourage everyone not to deprive the world of themselves just because they are not a carbon copy of [again with the gorgeous pop star]. You were never meant to be anyone besides you.

I feel inclined here to quote a favorite band of mine called The Danielsons, who simply stated, "Be just who you're made to be, Poppa is so mighty pleased with thee." We are the Creator's creation. And He is well pleased with us. Who cares what society says about our ears or our waistlines or our hair? Of course we should take care of ourselves, but it is not society that gets to tell us what we are.

Photo credit markwy on Flickr

Beauty is when a friend calls at 5am and you are right there to listen without a second thought.

It's when you are tucking a little one in at night and sing to him after a long day.

It's a cup of coffee in your hands on the porch in the morning, just soaking in the sunrise.

It's those times in life when you get it right.

And those times when you get it horribly wrong, but you learn... and you get a second chance to get up and have another go.

We are beautiful because our lives are beautiful.

We are beautiful because God loves us.

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Sarah Whitlock is married to her first kiss, Joseph, and is a Wielder of the Quill of Endearing Humor.  More of her writings are available at Under the Olive Branch.

It's Hard Some Days

Last night, our youngest woke up every. half. hour. (sometimes even more frequently, never less) between 11PM and 7AM. I don't know if it was gas, teething, a growth spurt or something else, but she has been perfectly happy all morning. I, on the other hand, need a coffee IV.

The house needs to be cleaned, and I have no desire or energy whatsoever to do anything. (But in honesty, that would be true even with a full night's sleep).

Ariana and Joel were playing normally and happily and I snapped at them to be quiet.

Elena has asked to nurse a dozen times this morning already and I've told her no every time.

I want to crawl back in bed, but know it wouldn't work, and the effort and disappointment of trying to manage it is more than I can deal with right now.

I wrote about one of our fairly normal days in this post, and some of the things that I do. My post on riding it out has a few of my coping techniques.

It is hard to be balanced. It is hard to be honest, even with ourselves. It is hard to parent. It is hard to discipline ourselves. And I don't always know where the lines are. What is the line between complaining and honesty? What is the line between healthy boundaries and self-centeredness? What is the line between choosing to practice what I preach and giving myself grace? I am not sure.

Recently a friend said that I make parenting four kidlets sound too easy. That I should have warned her more about difficulties with breastfeeding, lack of sleep, etc. She may have had a point. At the same time, I really, truly believe that the rewards are more than worth it. I experience them most of the time. Most of our days are filled with joy. Most of our nights result in adequate sleep. But not always.

(Now isn't this worth a sleepless night? <3)

I believe that natural birth, even thought it hurts, is better for the baby and the mom.

I believe that babies should nurse whenever they are hungry, even during the night.

I believe that regardless of age, humans should be treated with kindness and respect.

I believe that the choices we are making now actually make life easier, not just in a distant future, but now, too.

I believe, I even know, but some days are just hard.

My Parenting Bookshelf--The Discipline Books

When we first made the decision not to spank, I felt adrift. I didn't have any real example or practical guidelines for discipline other than punishment. I knew of time-outs, of course, and similar things like ignoring "bad" behavior and rewarding behavior I liked. It didn't quite feel right to me, though. Over the years, while remaining consistent with not spanking, our outlook gradually evolved. In particular, Alfie Kohn's book transformed my paradigm. But I will include all the books we own and a little about what we got from them.

The Discipline Book by the Sears. The gateway drug. ;) The Sears' books were my first introduction to parenting the way I wanted. It is good. It has a lot of great information based on attachment parenting. It was also helpful as a transition for us. There are some things that I am not a fan of now, including mild punitive tactics, but at the beginning of our journey into gentle discipline, it gave us a good place to start.

The Power of Positive Parenting by Glenn Latham. We also got his Christlike Parenting book on the recommendation of a friend who was encouraging us into not spanking. Essentially, it is a very strict behaviorist approach that is entirely about positive and negative reinforcement. The negative reinforcement is almost always simply ignoring. It felt really icky to me, though. Affection and attention are not rewards that my children get for behaving in a way that I enjoy.

Adventures in Gentle Discipline by Hilary Flower. This is one I can definitely recommend, especially for parents of younger children. A great approach from the beginning, starting with the basics of what gentle discipline looks like, resources as you continue your journey, and like her book on nursing through pregnancy, contains plenty of real-life stories and examples. It helped us a lot.

How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish. Excellent. Definitely worth the read. It really helped me to look at things from my children's perspective.

Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. This one blew me away. It challenged all of the things I had heard about discipline, but rang true with my own experiences and beliefs. I still had to re-read it several times to really get it. This, IMO, is a must-read, especially if the whole carrot-and-the-stick doesn't feel right to you. There is a lot of research, which I loved, and it also fit with my heart.

Parent Effectiveness Training by Dr. Thomas Gordon. While UP gave me a new framework, I needed practical ways to implement it. This book helped bridge that gap. One of the coolest things I took away from this book was that we don't have to hold to a false standard of consistency. Sometimes our tolerance level is higher or lower according to circumstances, and that is OK.

Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky Bailey. I first read this just after UP and PET, and coming right after their collaborative approach, it felt too scripted and confining. Also, her little titles for everything bugged me a little bit. However, there is really a lot of great stuff in there. Like all the best parenting books, much of it involves helping the parents to become disciplined people. Going back through it later increased my appreciation of it. I would recommend it.

Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen. Easily one of the best. Practical tools and a wonderful understanding. I've read this one many times, and always find more to love.

Connection Parenting by Pam Leo. This may be my very favorite. It distills some of the best material from all the books I've read and makes it easy to apply. If you wondered how to implement all the ideas from UP, this book is for you.

Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort. The first time I read it, I could find some good, but it seemed a little too new-agey or something. I picked it up again right after my daughter turned six, and I was slipping into patterns of shaming. It helped me tremendously! It now ranks as one of my favorites. Funny how different books can catch us at different times.

Also-reads: I've already blogged about the Christian books.

I have read a large number of ones that I don't have right now--either loaned out or from the library, etc. There are also more books that are not specifically about discipline that will be mentioned in upcoming posts. A quick heads up: often discipline "problems" are misunderstandings regarding child development.

Parenting with Love and Logic by Cline and Fay has some good things. I really disliked the advice for younger children, who don't even have the logic skills to make the "choices". I could see some good things for older kids, or for those who need a stepping-stone away from spanking and yelling, but it didn't make my favorites list.

I've heard a lot of great things about Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's books, and found some of them helpful.

I've read or own punitive ones, as well, for those who may have wondered if I really know what those authors are saying, but am not planning to review any right now.

Our bookshelves are constantly growing, and adding to our understanding of ourselves and our children. I find that I need discipline as much as they do, and together we are growing in grace and knowledge.

This hurts me as much as it hurts you...

Photo by Victor Bezrukov

The rod and correction give wisdom: but a child who is not guided is a cause of shame to his mother. ~ Proverbs 29:15

I believe that in some ways, the most damaging result from punitive parenting methods is the deep and abiding sense of shame that it produces. It is natural to focus on the shame that grows in the children who are parented that way, but they are not the only ones. The feelings of inadequacy and shame are just as damaging and just as deep in many of the parents who employ those methods.

When I was a child, my mom had copies of Dobson's "Dare to Discipline" in both Spanish and English. She read them both faithfully. But, she had difficulty in completely following the advice. It went counter to her own instincts. She is extremely tender-hearted, and while she was capable of punishing in anger if very provoked, calmly and deliberately hitting us when she wasn't upset was much harder.

Then, too, I have always been "strong-willed", and she told me recently that even by the age of four, she recognized that my stubbornness and endurance would outlast her determination to keep spanking. She could also see that instead of producing fruits of righteousness, it increased my anger and "defiance". It simply didn't work like the books said it would.

It wasn't just discipline issues. As I had my own babies and fed them whenever they wanted, held them as much as possible, never let them cry it out, etc., she was torn. She told me over and over of all the times when she had wanted to do that with me and my siblings, but how it went against all the advice from people she respected to feed every three hours (or four), to not hold us too much, to have us cry it out in a crib. She recounted the agony she felt when I would cry two hours after my last feeding and how she would watch the clock in tears herself. Sometimes she would "give in" and nurse me anyway, and then feel horribly guilty for not being "strong enough" and "consistent enough" with the program. I was honestly surprised to see how deep the feelings of inadequacy and shame are in her, decades later, for being caught between two different standards. The message she had absorbed from the punitive teachers was that she was failing by not getting the results promised by the books, and for letting her heart doubt their advice at times.

I've heard so many variations of this, covering many aspects of parenting. We are programed with God-given instincts to respond to our babies, to comfort and cuddle and meet every need that we can. Then "experts" tell us to go against that, and it begins a cycle of shame and guilt. Punitive parenting sets up unrealistic expectations for both parents and children. Then, when the results don't live up to the promises, all blame is placed on the parents for not following the advice consistently enough. Any problem is all their fault, never the fault of the advice they were given.

The shamed parent, perhaps already feeling guilt for being "double-minded" (which they are if they ever harbor any doubts as to the program), vows to try harder, to be firmer and more consistent. Maybe it "works" and the child becomes compliant, at least outwardly. Even then, though, there is still the constant sense of having to live up to others' expectations. Have you ever had your child misbehave in a public place and know that others are watching and judging you? Have you felt a silent pressure to respond more harshly out of your own embarrassment? That can become a familiar feeling if you are trying to balance your own instincts with a punitive paradigm. You might even resent your children for "making you" punish them. The punitive model is always lurking in the background, ready to heap disapproval on you for any deviations.

And if it doesn't "work" and the child remains unbroken and defiant, then what? How far do you go? Letting them cry for an hour or two, perhaps even vomiting from crying so hard? How many swats, how hard and with what implement? Even when you agree with CIO or spanking, you may feel guilty or that you crossed a line. Punitive parenting often encourages parents to act from pride, selfishness and anger. Then the parent is left with guilt for not following their own conscience. Once again, they are caught between different convictions when their ideals don't fit with the prescribed treatment of children.


The message that you are not good enough, that your instincts are all wrong and that you just aren't doing anything right attacks both children and parents. Hurting people don't act right, and hurting parents who are full of doubt and shame can't always see how to break that cycle or how to view their childrens' actions objectively. They buy into the notion that their children are acting from evil motives. Living with the continual, subtle idea that your children are your adversaries, and that you must watch out for any signs of insubordination takes a toll on the entire family. It cripples parents in many ways by eroding connection, and then blames the parent for the rebellion that it creates. Then families who deeply love each other become trapped into viewing each other's actions through a distorting lens of fear and suspicion, and themselves with disgust and disapproval.

The rod of correction doesn't mean a stick to beat our children--it refers to our presence and guidance in their lives. And wisdom grows in the parents as well as the children as we humbly live life together. Please check out Barefoot Betsy's post for a more thorough look at this verse and other rod passages.

One of my favorite messages from grace-based discipline is that grace is for mamas, too. If your instincts are telling you to ignore advice you are given, chances are pretty good that the advice is wrong. If you feel pulled against the punitive advice you have received, don't berate yourself. It isn't that you are inadequate. Trust the love you have for your children.  Listen to the instinct to protect, nurture and cherish them, even if, especially if, it is going against the advice of those around you.  Yes, we all need information and support as we grow into the parents that we want to be, but that should be a source of encouragement, not shame. Perhaps you just need a new perspective, or a cheer-leader to help you follow your heart. Shame off you! Grace on you!

Shame off you! (rerun)

As I prayed this week about what to share, the one thing that kept coming was, “Tell them I love them”. I am embarrassed to say that my first response was almost to write it off. I mean, we all know that already, right? It is the first thing that we learn as believers—Jesus loves me. But the more I listened, the more I realized how easy it is for us to lose that message. Somehow, it gets watered down in our minds to mean “Jesus tolerates me”. Am I the only one guilty of this?

I look at the deep love I have for my husband and children, and the delight I have in them, yet it is so easy to doubt that God delights in me. I don’t doubt that He has forgiven me, but for some reason, a part of me expects Him to look at me with…I don’t know…disappointment? Resignation? As though loving me is merely an obligation on His part.  The good news is, the Bible paints a very different picture of His love for us. It is passionate, joyful, aching for intimacy with us!

“The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” Zeph. 3:17. Imagine that—the King of the Universe is so delighted with you that He sings about it! One version says that He shouts for joy!

He wants us. He wants to be close to us. And I think that most of us long to be closer to Him. What impedes us? Sin, of course, but I think that often it is not the sin itself, but the shame. We give ourselves to Him and receive freedom and forgiveness, but we don’t always give our shame to Him. We hold onto it, replay things in our minds, and try to “punish” ourselves with reminders of how we have fallen short. And I think that breaks His heart.

He knows everything, right? So, He knew everything about us, all the mistakes we would make, all the faults, and He still decided that WE WERE WORTH LOVING. He isn’t disappointed in us, because to be disappointed, you have to expect something else. 

Obviously, He wants us to be free from sin. Romans 6 makes it clear that we are no longer to be in bondage to sin. But it is interesting to me that after that is dealt with, Romans 8 goes on to remind us that there is no longer any condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.

Ironically, sometimes our very efforts to become closer to God are the source of our shame. Growing up, I would make all these promises to spend x amount of time praying, reading my Bible etc. The days that I didn’t reach my goal I felt so guilty. I still believe that those disciplines are important, but they aren’t my goal—the goal is spending time with Him. I’ve discovered the joy and intimacy of doing nothing with God. Just as some of my favorite moments with Carlos aren’t always about having deep discussions, but just snuggling close on the couch while I read and he watches TV or whatever. There is an underlying awareness of the other’s presence that makes us both smile inside.

God loves us. He really, deeply passionately loves us. He enjoys us. And He longs for us to let go of our shame, and step forward as His bride, radiant and beautiful in His eyes. “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.” Jer. 31:3. I hope that this week you will be filled with the sense of His presence throughout your day, that you will let go of any shame, and revel in His song over you.

Shame off you!

Image credit Jennuine Captures on Flickr

As I prayed this week about what to share, the one thing that kept coming was, “Tell them I love them”. I am embarrassed to say that my first response was almost to write it off. I mean, we all know that already, right? It is the first thing that we learn as believers—Jesus loves me. But the more I listened, the more I realized how easy it is for us to lose that message. Somehow, it gets watered down in our minds to mean “Jesus tolerates me”. Am I the only one guilty of this?

I look at the deep love I have for my husband and children, and the delight I have in them, yet it is so easy to doubt that God delights in me. I don’t doubt that He has forgiven me, but for some reason, a part of me expects Him to look at me with…I don’t know…disappointment? Resignation? As though loving me is merely an obligation on His part.

The good news is, the Bible paints a very different picture of His love for us. It is passionate, joyful, aching for intimacy with us!

“The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” Zeph. 3:17. Imagine that—the King of the Universe is so delighted with you that He sings about it! One version says that He shouts for joy!

He wants us. He wants to be close to us. And I think that most of us long to be closer to Him. What impedes us? Sin, of course, but I think that often it is not the sin itself, but the shame. We give ourselves to Him and receive freedom and forgiveness, but we don’t always give our shame to Him. We hold onto it, replay things in our minds, and try to “punish” ourselves with reminders of how we have fallen short. And I think that breaks His heart.

He knows everything, right? So, He knew everything about us, all the mistakes we would make, all the faults, and He still decided that WE WERE WORTH LOVING. He isn’t disappointed in us, because to be disappointed, you have to expect something else. 

Obviously, He wants us to be free from sin. Romans 6 makes it clear that we are no longer to be in bondage to sin. But it is interesting to me that after that is dealt with, Romans 8 goes on to remind us that there is no longer any condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.

Ironically, sometimes our very efforts to become closer to God are the source of our shame. Growing up, I would make all these promises to spend x amount of time praying, reading my Bible etc. The days that I didn’t reach my goal I felt so guilty. I still believe that those disciplines are important, but they aren’t my goal—the goal is spending time with Him. I’ve discovered the joy and intimacy of doing nothing with God. Just as some of my favorite moments with Carlos aren’t always about having deep discussions, but just snuggling close on the couch while I read and he watches TV or whatever. There is an underlying awareness of the other’s presence that makes us both smile inside.

God loves us. He really, deeply passionately loves us. He enjoys us. And He longs for us to let go of our shame, and step forward as His bride, radiant and beautiful in His eyes. “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.” Jer. 31:3. I hope that this week you will be filled with the sense of His presence throughout your day, that you will let go of any shame, and revel in His song over you.