Opening Up the GD Toolbox: Connection

I miss the obvious things so often.  I know, know how very important connection is.  I have recited the "connect before you correct" mantra hundreds of times to myself.  But in the moment?  I am more likely to get swamped by my own desire to just get my way.  

The thing is, the connection IS the goal.

I had a great reminder of this yesterday.  My seven year old has been having a lot of conflict with his younger sister. We've tried talking about it, telling him what to do, and have at times been less than graceful and yelled.  But yesterday, I did something different.  

I described every time I could remember being frustrated with my own little sister when I was his age, and how terribly unfair it seemed to me that she would provoke me until I retaliated and then got in trouble. I gave every detail I could remember of our squabbles.  He listened and became more and more engaged. I could see him biting his lips to hold in a chuckle as I recounted my exasperation and some of the vengeance I had taken.

My first inclination was to moralize and say what I should have done.  It took every ounce of self control that I have not to turn it into a sermon.  And I am so glad that I didn't.  He began to thoughtfully offer suggestions to avoid conflict.  I countered with things that she might have done to continue annoying me. He dug right into the challenge and brainstormed creative ways to handle it peacefully. Then he hugged me tight and told me he loved me. 

 

I could see the tension leave him as he began to believe that I really, truly understood his side of it.  That I didn't think he was bad.  And once all that was out of the way, it gave him the freedom to stop defending himself (even if I didn't think he had been attacked, he had been attacking himself with condemnation and frustration, so much that even a mild reproof just reinforced his need to defend himself). 

 

Has this magically solved all sibling issues? Well, it is early, but I suspect it will be a process. Even so, we connected and he thought about it far more constructively than our previous attempts without that connection.

I am also learning that at different stages, some of my kidlets spring a leak in their love cups.  While any good parent will try to make sure that their children feel loved, some times (and some kids) need extra deposits.  Find out what their love languages are and make sure that their connection tank isn't running low.

Nonviolent Communication has some in depth, practical tips on exactly how to connect with someone, and the book is definitely worth reading!   But the basics are simple.  Stop.  Breathe in grace, breathe out anger, fear and frustration.  Connect with your child's eyes (if you look, really look, long enough at someone's eyes in love, beautiful things happen).  Listen.  To their words and the feelings behind them.  If you need to clarify what they are feeling, do it without accusing.  Show them that you understand what they are feeling.  (And when that "But" of what they should have done instead pops up, keep quiet on it for a bit.  There is certainly a place for correction, but this is not it.  Wait.  Show love.  Give them a moment for healing.  It may just surprise you what will happen next.

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Image credit goaliej54 on Flickr

Moving away from punitive parenting requires a brand new set of tools.  Let's open it up together! For the rest of the series, click here.  And if gentle discipline is revealing areas where you need to work on yourself, see if any of these personal tools resonate with you.

Looking for more practical tips?  Check out my favorite post from the Hippie Housewife on The Hows of Discipline (and read through all the comments!),  Pearl in Oyster's 52 Tool Cards series and Aha! Parenting's blog.  Do you need inspiration and a reminder of why and how to do this?  Read Emerging Mummy's Practices of Mothering and Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond.  If you have other great resources or ideas, please add them in the comments.

Opening Up the GD Toolbox: Redirection and Mutual Solutions

One of the toughest seasons I ever endured as a parent was when I was first pregnant with our third child.  I was throwing up at least seven times a day, and trying to parent a 3.5 year old and an almost 2 year old when I only wanted to lay on the couch and wallow in misery.  I wanted to be able to say something once and have my children obey perfectly without any follow through on my part.  Since they were real, live kids rather than stuffed animals, that was only minimally effective.

Photo credit Andy Welsh on Flickr

Whatever season of parenting you are in, I believe that the same pressures and temptations call out to us.  We want an easy button.  It becomes reflex to Just Say No.  What I learned, though, was that if I was willing to spend a little more energy in discovering the reason for the behavior and working on finding out something else that would meet that need, then there was much less energy required--physically, too, but especially emotionally.

Around that time, my 19 month old began to love hitting.  He wasn't even angry most of the time.  He just got a kick out of the sensation, the noise and the reactions.  We tried softly stroking our cheeks with his hands and telling him "Gentle touches".  He giggled and slapped again.  My temper and frustration were building, until I recalled something I had read by Dr. Sears.  We began teaching him to give us high fives.  His face lit up with delight, and he began to repeat it.  He still got what he was craving--the game, noise, sensation and excitement--but now it was in a socially acceptable way that didn't hurt anyone.  I would like to say that at least we got a little advance warning as he gleefully squealed, "High fibe!" before striking, but he usually didn't say it till he was already mid-strike.  Still, it was progress.

I'll be honest.  Most of the time, when I am tempted to say no, it isn't because they want to do something morally wrong or even dangerous, provided my help and supervision.  It is because I don't want to spend the time and energy required to keep it from becoming dangerous.  Is that a good enough reason?  Sometimes, but not often.  When it is, then I have learned to streamline as much as possible, adapt my standards for all of us as much as I can, and worry about picking up the pieces once we are all in a place where we can do that.  The rest of the time, I must remind myself of my long-term goals for myself and my children.

I remember as a kid a friend who wouldn't even ask her parents for permission to do things (and we are talking about things that my fairly conservative parents would have approved without hesitation) because she was pretty sure that the answer would be no. She decided at an early age it was easier on everyone not to even put them (or herself) in that position.   I don't want the default for my kids to be to shut me out and look elsewhere for guidance, help or even just fun and love.

One of the keys is finding out what their true need is and then helping them find a way to do it.  Is it a craving for attention?  Sensory input? Experimentation? Exploration?  Physical activity? Reassurance? 

When they are tiny, it seems like a lot of effort to decipher the desires that they are unable to even articulate themselves.  But the more connected you are, the easier it is, which reinforces the whole circle of trusting, loving relationship, which also makes it easier for them to want to please you.  And even if you wrack your brain to no avail, each suggestion met with wails or frustration by your baby, at least they know that you care.  Their feelings matter enough for you to try.

As the get older, they can do an amazing job of brainstorming with you so that everyone's needs are acknowledged.  Sometimes my three year old really wants to eat on the living room floor.  I explained that if food got on the carpet it would be hard to clean.  She thought for a second then ran to grab a big beach towel to protect the floor.  My eight year old, who loathes having her hair brushed, has asked on occasion to wear a hat when we go out so that she only has to brush the bottom part. 

My kidlets have learned from the time they were babies to negotiate.  Not in a win-lose situation where neither party is satisfied, but to be creative with ways that get everyone's goals met.

I know that some parents consider this backtalk, or defiance or disobedience.  "But if my child is in an emergency situation, they had better obey instantly without discussing or arguing!"  OK.  I don't know about you, but in an emergency situation, I will be doing everything I can physically to help keep them safe, most likely being right next to them to help them carry out any instructions.  And my kids have sufficient emotional awareness to tell by my voice and body language when I am deadly serious.

Another huge difference is the attitude.  My children are being respectful when they present alternatives.  Knowing that their input is valued, that they will be heard, and that I will do my best to meet their needs means that they don't have to fight defensively or belligerently for a grudged concession.  Their ideas are welcomed in our house.

We look for ways to say yes as much as we can to each other.  Not just them to me or me to them, but all of us honoring the other and seeking to understand and bless each other.  That kind of intention is a powerful thing.

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Image credit goaliej54 on Flickr

Moving away from punitive parenting requires a brand new set of tools.  Let's open it up together! For the rest of the series, click here.  And if gentle discipline is revealing areas where you need to work on yourself, see if any of these personal tools resonate with you.

Looking for more practical tips?  Check out my favorite post from the Hippie Housewife on The Hows of Discipline (and read through all the comments!),  Pearl in Oyster's 52 Tool Cards series and Aha! Parenting's blog.  Do you need inspiration and a reminder of why and how to do this?  Read Emerging Mummy's Practices of Mothering and Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond.  If you have other great resources or ideas, please add them in the comments.

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Opening Up the GD Toolbox: Use Your Words

"Be careful."
"Be good."
"Be nice."
"No!"

In this case, "Be careful!" means "Stay still."

What do these mean to a 20 month old?  If you stop and think about it, phrases like these are vague, at best.  Does "be careful" mean to walk slowly?  Avoid a hot stove?  Climb down from the furniture? Not spill the juice?  Touch the vase gently?  For a toddler, even an older child, it will probably require considerable experimentation to figure out exactly what it means in a given situation.

Sadly, that experimentation and desire to understand runs a grave risk of resembling disobedience or defiance.  I can picture a little one thinking, "Yeah!  I've heard 'be careful' before!  Maybe I'll get it this time.  Is it stop jumping?"  He turns to his mom with a grin and a twinkle--only to get scolded as the food slips from his plate.  And she sighs to her friends, "He grinned at me right before he did it.  I know he is defying me on purpose."

What about "be good" and "be nice"?  Do they mean to be quiet? To share toys? To stop fussing? How do they know? (And I will go ahead and say that I think all babies are good and nice, regardless of their behavior).

"No" is probably the worst of the examples, and one whose reputation is most grossly misunderstood.  I've heard parents who think that avoiding the use of "no" means to be permissive and indulgent.  That isn't what I am talking about.  I do believe that being part of our family means consideration in the way we set up our house, and that setting them up for success is important.  But there will be times when a child's will must be thwarted (although a wise parent can often find ways to meet everyone's needs in a pleasant way).  Anyway, my point is that saying "no" is generally poor communication.

Image credit binkle_28 on Flickr

For one thing, it is ridiculously overused, and that breeds contempt.  Much more importantly, a young child's ability to process language means that the "no" is often lost in whatever words follow it.  So a toddler hears "hitting" instead of "no hitting".  Even adults are susceptible.  If I say, "Don't think of dancing monkeys," what just popped into your mind?

Another one that people of all ages struggle with is being overwhelmed with too much at once.  Have you ever studied a foreign language?  Have you ever felt frustration mount as you frantically try to grasp the meaning of a word or phrase as the speaker just keeps going?  English (or Spanish or whatever you speak) is still a foreign language to little ones.  They are still working at comprehension of even basic terms (does your toddler ever mix up pronouns?  Use the wrong form of the past tense?), and too many instructions strung together are going to blur. 

The answer for all of these is the same:  give simple, precise instructions for what you do want.  Instead of telling a child what not to do and hoping that they magically invent a better alternative, focus on what you do want them to do.  Be specific and brief.  "Walk slowly."  "Feet on the floor."  "Freeze."  "Gentle touches."   It takes a lot of practice, for us as well as the kidlets.  And of course, as they get older, their understanding increases.  Even so, the way we speak makes a difference in their focus.

Tone of voice is an important tool, too.  Some parents use the right words but with a scary voice that distracts from the message.  Others seem to assume that gentle discipline means saying everything in a syrupy, sing-song voice (often with superfluous sprinklings of "sweetie," "honey," "darling," and "OK?").   That would drive me batty within seconds, and confuse my kids to no end.  It really is hard to hear ourselves, though.  Ask a partner to listen to how your tone of voice comes across, or even tape yourself sometime.  It can be very enlightening!  (Have you ever listened to your voice on an answering machine and thought that is sounds different?  It is even more true when you examine tone of voice and content!).

It is so easy to tell our children to use their words.  Honestly, though, we adults have a lot of learning to do when it comes to words, too.  It starts with giving clear instructions.  Keeping our directions simple and precise.  Telling what *to* do, not just what *not* to do.  Making sure that our tone of voice doesn't distract from the message.  As we practice, we will become much more fluent communicators.

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Image credit goaliej54 on Flickr

Moving away from punitive parenting requires a brand new set of tools.  Let's open it up together! For the rest of the series, click here.  And if gentle discipline is revealing areas where you need to work on yourself, see if any of these personal tools resonate with you.

Looking for more practical tips?  Check out my favorite post from the Hippie Housewife on The Hows of Discipline (and read through all the comments!),  Pearl in Oyster's 52 Tool Cards series and Aha! Parenting's blog.  Do you need inspiration and a reminder of why and how to do this?  Read Emerging Mummy's Practices of Mothering and Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond.  If you have other great resources or ideas, please add them in the comments.

Opening Up the GD Toolbox: Big Emotions

Image credit david shankbone on Flickr

One of the most revolutionary aspects of gentle discipline in my life is learning that happy isn't the only acceptable emotion. Consider the rather ridiculous contortions most of us have gone through at one point or another to get a child to stop crying--everything from callous dismissal (That didn't hurt.  You're fine.) to shaming (Don't be a baby!  You're too big to make such a fuss.  Look at so-and-so: he's not crying!) to outright threats or bribes (Stop or I'll give you something to cry about!  Here, sweetie, it's OK--let's go get a cookie.).  Regardless, the message is pretty clear.  Our society only wants quiet smiles (even happy can quickly get too boisterous for our liking!).

This is unhealthy and inauthentic--carried too far and we become dishonest and emotionally crippled.  But at the same time, we want to teach our children healthy ways of expressing their feelings that won't result in harm to people or property, and to demonstrate self-control.  It isn't impossible, but it does take awareness, empathy and intentional teaching.

First of all, we must listen.  The real need behind our child's behavior is to be understood.  And most of us will try harder and harder to express ourselves if we aren't being heard.  Even if your child is nonverbal, doing the best you can to convey understanding (without feeding drama) is essential.

We need to be able to recognize different emotions and label them for our children.  It is important for them to have words to describe their feelings.  We may start with just a few basics, like happy, sad, angry, scared, frustrated, but I think we should give them as many precise words as we can.   

Image credit apdk on Flickr

Nonviolent Communication lists nearly three pages worth of feelings. Some of the emotions we feel when our needs are being met are: absorbed, adventurous, affectionate, amused, animated, appreciative, blissful, buoyant, calm, carefree, cheerful, comfortable, confident, contented, curious, delighted, eager, encouraged, exultant, fascinated, friendly, fulfilled, gleeful, gratified, interested, jubilant, mirthful, refreshed, relaxed, relieved, satisfied, secure, tender, trusting, zestful.  

When our needs are not being met, we might feel: afraid, aggravated, agitated, angry, anguished, ashamed, bewildered, confused, cross, dejected, disappointed, edgy, embarrassed, exasperated, exhausted, fidgety, forlorn, frustrated, furious, heavy, helpless, horrified, jealous, lonely, mad, miserable, mopey, nervous, overwhelmed, resentful, sad, troubled, upset, weary, worried. 

Even the most accurate words are not always enough when you are in the grip of an intense emotion, though.  I speak two languages and still have difficulty articulating my deepest feelings!  It is unrealistic and unhelpful to always expect children to "use their words".  Sometimes we have to use our whole bodies.

Image credit waponi on Flickr

Dances are a brilliant way to convey emotion.  They might do a wild dance with exuberant twirls and jumps.  Perhaps an angry dance with lots of stomping and arms swinging.  A sad, swaying dance.  Often my kidlets ask to play the pushing game.  Jumping on a trampoline, punching a pillow or bag, or running around might help to channel some excess tension.

When my daughter was going through an anxious time, it helped her to be able to squeeze her palms together or press them against her knees as part of a calm-down ritual.  Sometimes just have a couple of familiar steps can be very soothing: a deep breath, squeezing palms, a cup of tea.

I want my children to feel free to seek connection with us when a feeling is too big for them.  As a huge introvert who often prefers to be alone, though, I respect their desires.  Setting up a comfort corner where they can cool off or retreat and relax in can be extremely helpful.  A nice beanbag or favorite pillows, a calm down jar, maybe a little hideaway where they don't feel scrutinized, or even a warm bubble bath can provide a chance to unwind.

Do you have little artists?  Let them go to work with fingerpaints or other materials to show you exactly what they are thinking and feeling! If they are old enough to write, they may want to pour out words in a journal or letter.

This next part may seem like a bit of a tangent, but it is important: fear exacerbates all other big feelings.  One of the toughest jobs (at least for me--I am a bit of a coward here) is teaching them how to create and maintain boundaries, and backing them up while they do it.  If someone has wronged them, they may need your help in navigating appropriate ways to respond.

For parents, the easy way out is to suggest that the child "forgive" and pretend it didn't happen.  That protects us from any messy confrontation.  The problem?  At best, it is damaging.  It prevents our children from learning healthy ways to deal with conflict.  At worst?  It is devastating when our children absorb the message that we would rather have other people mistreat them than face any discomfort.  I'll spell it out further: I have heard personally from several adults who were sexually abused as children and never even told their parents because they were afraid of being rude or believed that their parents would side with the abuser.  Please, please, take them seriously and teach them how to courteously but firmly stand up for themselves.  Back them up, even in little things, so that they will trust you with the big ones.

Finally, the most important way that we can equip our children to deal with their intense emotions is by letting them see how we handle our own.  Be honest about what you are feeling.  Even if you have to coach yourself through a response aloud, let them hear what you are doing and why.  Consider carefully the tools that you use for yourself (and if you need to add or discard any), and show them what healthy emotional responses look like.

I confess, there are days when this seems pretty daunting to me.  I am still learning so much, and so often I fall short.  But seeing us make mistakes and learn from them, and how we gently correct ourselves is vital.  They will make mistakes, too, and will also learn from us how to treat themselves when that happens.  Should they mentally flog themselves, or thoughtfully consider how to make things better? 

Big emotions are challenging at any age, and the truth is that many of us are still learning how best to handle them.  By working consciously with our children, we can give them a stronger, healthier emotional foundation.  That is one of the greatest legacies I can imagine.

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Image credit goaliej54 on Flickr

Moving away from punitive parenting requires a brand new set of tools.  Let's open it up together! For the rest of the series, click here.  And if gentle discipline is revealing areas where you need to work on yourself, see if any of these personal tools resonate with you.

Looking for more practical tips?  Check out my favorite post from the Hippie Housewife on The Hows of Discipline (and read through all the comments!),  Pearl in Oyster's 52 Tool Cards series and Aha! Parenting's blog.  Do you need inspiration and a reminder of why and how to do this?  Read Emerging Mummy's Practices of Mothering and Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond.  If you have other great resources or ideas, please add them in the comments.

Opening Up the GD Toolbox: Stories

Image credit photogramma1 on Flickr

Some of my best childhood memories are of listening to my mother make up stories.  It was only natural to me to start using them with my children.  Most of us tend to think of stories as being nothing more than entertainment.  But they are also a fun part of our parenting toolbox.  Jesus was a storyteller.  The Bible is made up of stories.  Stories are a wonderful way to communicate Truth and encourage connection.  

Whether you are two, twenty, forty, sixty or ninety, one of our deepest needs is to feel understood.  Often children resort to meltdowns because they have no other way to fully express the depth of their hurt, frustration or anger.  They are compelled to show us exactly how serious and intense the feelings are.  Stories can be a great way to show that we get it.

Stories are also a powerful teaching tool.  Most of us tune out a boring list of instructions.  But in an exciting story, it is easy to absorb and remember how a character responded to a situation.  I want to clarify that this is not like some of the old fashioned morality tales that had a heavy handed punishment of bad behavior actions and simplistic reward of positive behavior.  The goal is not to scare our kids (these aren't horror stories!) or to alienate them by showing a disregard for their feelings.  But giving positive role models will provide them with ways (or even scripts) to help handle similar situations.

Stories are even more fun (and more effective) when they are a collaborative effort.  Invite your child to help tell the story.  Ask questions.  "How do you think he felt about that?"  "What do you think she should do next?" It is fine if the story goes in an entirely different way than you envisioned.  As long as your child is communicating with you, good things are happening!  It may seem disturbing if your child throws in a rather graphic scene of vengeance.  Resist the urge to squash their contribution, though--again, it goes back to expressing the full intensity of their feelings.  Once their emotions are fully acknowledged, you can gently work in alternatives.

The number one tip for story telling is to be a good listener.  As you validate and reflect, and allow them to tell their own stories they will be able to gain perspective for their own situations and acquire new coping tools of their own.
 

When my oldest daughter would have a meltdown, I learned to sit next to her and quietly begin a story about another little girl in a similar situation.  It was a delicate balance to get the same emotions with enough differences in detail to make it clearly a story.  Sometimes she would correct me on details, and I would welcome that as a way for her to share her feelings with words.  

The most beautiful example that I have seen of this type of storytelling is by Crystal Lutton, in her article Words as Magic.  Her story here with her four year old who was upset with his little sister is a fabulous template for using stories as a discipline tool.  Stories can help children feel connected and understood, and when that happens, a surprising number of problems disappear.

And of course, it isn't just for "problem issues".   Stories are always a way to communicate and tie our hearts closer together.

As much as I love story telling, in the moment, sometimes I am so tired or preoccupied that it seems difficult to get in the groove.  These are my favorite tips for coming up with stories my kidlets will love.

Have you ever used stories to diffuse a rough moment, encourage or teach your child, or just to connect?  I would love to hear about how you use them as part of your GD toolbox!

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Image credit goaliej54 on Flickr

Moving away from punitive parenting requires a brand new set of tools.  Let's open it up together! For the rest of the series, click here.  And if gentle discipline is revealing areas where you need to work on yourself, see if any of these personal tools resonate with you.

Looking for more practical tips?  Check out my favorite post from the Hippie Housewife on The Hows of Discipline (and read through all the comments!),  Pearl in Oyster's 52 Tool Cards series and Aha! Parenting's blog.  Do you need inspiration and a reminder of why and how to do this?  Read Emerging Mummy's Practices of Mothering and Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond.  If you have other great resources or ideas, please add them in the comments.

Opening Up the GD Toolbox: Play

I confessed to a couple of my dearest friends recently that although I love my kids dearly, I loathe playing with them.  Don't get me wrong--I really enjoy being with my children.  I delight in watching them play.  But actually participating, getting on the floor, jumping into games and pretending stuff?  That is hard.  Really hard.  It ranks about the same for me as small talk with someone with whom I have virtually nothing in common.  On the outside I try to smile and look attentive, but on the inside I am fidgeting, looking at a mental clock and wondering how soon I can politely disengage. 

Even though it is hard, I don't think I am especially good at it, and I rarely feel like doing it, I know that play is one of the most important things I can do with my children.  Besides all of the skills that children acquire through play, it is the key to two of their deepest needs: power and connection. 

Image credit PopCultureGeek on Flickr

Feeling helpless has got to be one of the absolute worst feelings in the world.  And, face it, when your greatest power consists of choosing the red shirt instead of the blue shirt today, being able to control a situation in play, to make your own choices and even change everything through your imagination is huge.  The key here is following your child's lead and not imposing your own preferences.  Offer role-reversals.  Let them be the parent and you be the child.  Let them rescue you.  The possibilities for empowering play are endless!

The other important by product of playing together is connection.  I am not a particular fan of Sponge Bob or Spiderman, but my son is.  And when I play with him, he learns that his interests, his likes and feelings are important to me.  He matters.

Physical connection goes hand in hand with the emotional connection of play.  Sometimes when our young explorers begin to move away from all the physical connections of breastfeeding, babywearing and bed sharing, we forget to make time for other healthy touch.  Rough housing, tag, hide and seek, and other games that deal with separation and connection are important.  We love the pushing game.  Filling little love cups with fun filled physical affection is one of the best aspects of play.

Meeting the underlying needs for power and connection is one of the keys to effective discipline.  People who feel empowered and connected are much more likely to behave in appropriate ways.  But there are many other ways that play can be used in discipline.

Transitions are much smoother if we have a fun way to do them.  Whenever we cross the parking lot, we all pick a different animal to imitate: stomping like elephants, wiggling our tails like little fish, hopping like bunnies (I excel at waddling like a penguin).  We prefer non competitive games for the most part, but every now and then a race to see who can get buckled up first or make it to their seats is helpful.  Classics like the Quiet Game or seeing who can win a silent stare down without laughing can be a great way to calm down after boisterous play.

Role playing is one of the most effective ways to learn any new skill.  Want to practice acceptable behavior for restaurants?  Play restaurant games!  Have tea parties!  Play library and practice using quiet voices.  Get silly and use exaggerated, over the top examples. Do you have a runner?  Play games like Red Light, Green Light or others that practice starting and stopping on cue.  Talk about bullying and then role play different responses.  For some games, you might want to provide a script.  Or depending on your kids' mood or the situation, you may all improvise. Just make sure that you don't lose the fun in the teaching.  If the educational aspect needs to take a back seat, so be it.  They will still learn from the little bits that you do work in.

Going through a potty talk phase?  Make a game of giving them nonsense words to use instead.  When my three year old was randomly inserting "caca" into every sentence, we zeroed in on what he really wanted: the fun of our reaction.  So we ignored that, but told him to never, ever say "snooglewoogles".  Of course, he immediately did, and we played up our shock and horror, throwing up our hands and looking around to see if anyone had heard.  Pretty soon, he decided that it was much more fun to say snooglewoogles. 

Use play to provide a spoonful of sugar for unpleasant or boring tasks.  My sweetlings can be very, er, inventive if left to distract themselves in a waiting room or other boring place.  Ahem.  Participating in their play or finding gentle ways to help direct it is necessary right now.  Go retro with I Spy, pen and paper games or even making up stories together.  If you need to all pick up the house, try tossing objects into a basket, setting a timer, picking up a specific color or type of object--anything to make it more fun.  (I need extra motivation on this kind of thing, too!)

This is just the tip of the iceberg on ways that you can use play as a tool.  The September 2011 Carnival of Natural Parenting is full of fabulous posts on this topic.  Read to the end to find all the links.  :)  For more inspiration and ideas, get Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen.  Discipline is not supposed to be miserable--it should be delightful.  Playing with your kids is one of the most powerful tools you will ever find.

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Image credit goaliej54 on Flickr

Moving away from punitive parenting requires a brand new set of tools.  Let's open it up together! For the rest of the series, click here.  And if gentle discipline is revealing areas where you need to work on yourself, see if any of these personal tools resonate with you.

Looking for more practical tips?  Check out my favorite post from the Hippie Housewife on The Hows of Discipline (and read through all the comments!),  Pearl in Oyster's 52 Tool Cards series and Aha! Parenting's blog.  Do you need inspiration and a reminder of why and how to do this?  Read Emerging Mummy's Practices of Mothering and Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond.  If you have other great resources or ideas, please add them in the comments.

Opening Up the GD Toolbox: Physical Needs

Image credit goaliej54 on Flickr

Choosing to use gentle discipline is scary at first.  What are you going to do if you give up spanking?  Time out?  What if that doesn't work?  Take away privileges?  What if your kids are too young to really care?  I remember that feeling in the pit of my stomach when we first decided not to spank.  It was like jumping off a cliff and not being sure of the landing.

It turns out that there are many, many tools besides spanking and time outs.  I gave an overview of some of our favorites, but now I want to open up that toolbox by focusing on each one, with practical tips of how to use it.  Even if spanking is still one of your tools right now, I hope that as you read through the alternatives you will find fewer reasons to use it. For more in this series, click here.

Looking for more practical tips?  Check out my favorite post from the Hippie Housewife on The Hows of Discipline (and read through all the comments!),  Pearl in Oyster's 52 Tool Cards series and Aha! Parenting's blog.  Do you need inspiration and a reminder of why and how to do this?  Read Emerging Mummy's Practices of Mothering and Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond.  If you have other great resources or ideas, please add them in the comments.

Meeting Physical Needs

Punitive parenting is about responding to a behavior.  Proactive parenting means that instead of waiting for a problem, we work at helping our kids *before* it gets to that point.  One of the basic ways to do this is to make sure that physical needs are being met.  When I first heard that kind of reminder, I felt a tad defensive.  Is she implying that I am a neglectful parent?  Of course I take care of physical needs!!

Image credit lindaaslund on Flickr

I am sure that you do what you can to meet your child's needs.  But in the hustle and bustle of all the responsibilities that we have, many of us fall into the habit of ignoring our physical needs to get things done.  Sometimes, our kids do that, too.  If I go too long without a snack or break, I get grouchy, and so do my kids.  I have learned to ask at regular intervals:  Are we getting healthy snacks?  Plenty to drink?  Enough rest?  Younger kids even get so busy playing at times that they ignore a need to go to the bathroom.  


Another important physical need is exercise.  We all need those endorphins.  A huge part of why we homeschool is that my kids need plenty of physical activity, and sitting in a classroom wouldn't allow them to run, climb, dance, jump and do everything else they need to do in order to use their growing muscles and get the wiggles out.  This is all well and good, but what if you can't go outside?  A couple of our favorite indoor activities are pillow piles and the pushing game.  Dancing is always good, especially when mixed with a moment to freeze and see who has the funniest position or expression.  


I know there are some people who suspect that parents nowadays invent food allergies for their kids.  Whatever the reasons behind food allergies, the truth is that they have risen dramatically, and they often don't look like hives and anaphylaxis.  And young kids may not be able to verbalize their symptoms.  Mold gives me an exhausted, foggy-brained  feeling that I struggle to put into words, even as an adult.  I have difficulty concentrating and a headache.  A lot of kids respond to wheat or gluten that way.  Tummy troubles, mucousy stools, constipation and other issues can make a child very cranky.  Some kids react to food dyes, gluten and other common foods by getting hyper and bouncing off the walls.  According to our allergist, dairy and other foods can even cause bladder spasms, so that a child doesn't feel the urge to urinate then suddenly has an accident. 

Image credit Wallula Junction on Flickr

Most of us are sympathetic to a baby who is teething.  But we forget about it as they get older.  Molars, though, are some of the most painful teeth to break through the gums, and they come through around two years and again around six.  No wonder those are some of the toughest ages for kids!  I remember the pain of wisdom teeth coming through, and for little kids to deal with the constant irritation and inflammation of cutting molars has to take a toll on their behavior some days.

How often have our kids had a tough day, and then the next day they get sick?  I can't tell how many times I have been aggravated at their behavior, only to look back a day or two later and realize that they were coming down with something.  Even if they don't have visible symptoms yet, they may be fighting off an ear infection, a virus or something else.

Finally, while no one wants to suspect that their child has special needs, it often isn't until children are much older that issues like an auditory processing disorder or other things are diagnosed.  Make sure that you are giving sufficient time for your child to completely understand your request and then to respond (which even in neurotypical kids often takes much longer than we realize).  I have even known of families who eventually discovered hearing loss in their child and finally realized that much of what had seemed to be willfully ignoring them was not.  And of course, there are tons of possibilities I haven't covered here.   If your default is to assume that they are doing the best that they can in a given moment, it will save a lot of energy from regret later!


People who don't feel well usually don't act right.  We know that.  But sometimes we need to be reminded.  If your child's behavior is telling you that something is wrong, take a look at possible physical causes.  There might be more going on than meets the eye.