Mary and Martha

Photo by Rob Shenk on Flickr

"Expectations are resentments under construction."
~ Anne Lamott

Luke 10:38-42 (NIV)
At the Home of Martha and Mary
38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”


41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

This passage has been on my mind for the last several days. Now, no one could ever accuse me of being a Martha. As I wrote in this post, acts of service are definitely not my native love language. Yet, every time I've heard this passage in a sermon, I feel a bit resentful. It seems to always be a slap in the face to Martha.

You have a spontaneous visit of at least 13 men (possibly more), and anyone who has ever entertained knows that there is a huge amount of work to be done. It seems reasonable that Martha would want a little help.

Yet, most often when I've heard this used, the message is to add another shackle to women. There is usually a pretty little generalization about priorities and how we shouldn't lose sight of time with God. Which is true and nice and all that. The problem is, in real life it translates to one more obligation. On top of all your other responsibilities, make sure you are fulfilling this one, too. And to add insult to injury, it sometimes is taken to mean that all of the things to be done around the house, stereotypical "women's work", really do not have any value. I do not believe that this is what Jesus meant, at all.

I think that God has placed in all of us the desire to makes things beautiful. For many, that comes out in the effort and attention they put into entertaining, preparing meals and hospitality. Rather than shaming Martha for that, I believe God values it.(Hebrews 13:2)

I believe that the real message here is about freedom. I think that Martha was suffocating under expectations for herself and Mary, and perhaps women in general. I think she was frustrated by all the "shoulds" she had acquired, and that Jesus' response was an invitation to freedom. Not "here is one more thing that you haven't managed to do yet", but a release.

"Step out from the constriction of your perceived role. Follow your heart. You don't have to do all that if it isn't bringing you joy. Don't box yourself in according to other people's expectations. Mary was true to the desire of her heart, despite what other people might think. It is OK for you to do that, too. You don't need to control her or others. I didn't come to burden you further. I came so that you could be free."

I don't believe there was any reproach in His voice. Just love and a desire to encourage. It is easy to get trapped into feelings of obligation. What a joy-sucker that is! It transforms even pleasant activities into drudgery. At times, we get so caught up in expectations (our own or others') that we fail to see alternatives. Maybe it doesn't have to be done. Maybe there are other ways to do it. Maybe there are reasons to do it that can make us glad. Maybe it can be set aside while we pursue the dreams inside our hearts. Let go of fear and seek joy!

"Yeah, right," you say. "I have to clean the house and I can't even get the kids to pick up their rooms. I need something that can apply to my daily life!" I get it, really. But believe it or not, I still think that the above words can apply here. Even here.  Nonviolent communication has been very helpful to me to see things from a perspective that can bring acceptance. Blessings, joy and peace to you.

Languages of Love and Punishment (Rerun)

My dearly loved sister in law loaned me her copy of the Five Love Languages for Children, and I am really enjoying it. I haven't finished it yet, but a few things have stood out for me. I imagine that most of you are familiar with the basic idea of the book, that there are five primary ways (languages) that we give and receive love: physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service and gifts While most of us are multilingual, there is usually one or two of those that cause us to feel loved, and we often use that to express our love to others.

So far, there are two points that got me thinking: that it is difficult to pinpoint a child's love language before the age of five and that misuse of the love language, particularly if it is used as a method of punishment, can be devastating. Ironically, the most popular methods of punishment all are correlated to the love languages.

*Physical touch--spanking, popping, hitting, smacking, slapping, whatever you want to call it. For a child who is extremely sensitive to touch and uses it to show love (hugging, kissing, always wanting to touch you) the hurt goes far beyond the physical sting.

*Quality time--time outs, "go to your room", ignoring, banishment/isolation. A child desperate for attention gets the ultimate rejection in a parent who clearly doesn't want to be with him/her.

*Words of affirmation--shaming, scolding, yelling, praise/manipulation. The damage from hurtful words can last far longer than physical blows. Likewise, using praise to manipulate kids' behavior is hollow and deceitful, and they will know it.

*Acts of service--assigning chores as punishments, refusing to help as a "natural/logical consequence" (I don't think that children should be shielded from all the results of their behavior, but I have seen parents call it a "consequence" when it was really their own form of revenge).

*Gifts--taking away the child's belongings. It surprises me how easily parents will steal from their kids or trash their child's things as punishment. I guess to them, the child has no property rights. Another misuse would be manipulating behavior with rewards. If it isn't freely given, it isn't a gift.

To me, the obvious conclusion is that punishments of pretty much any sort can be more hurtful than healing, and some will be more harmful than others by striking a blow at our children's way of giving and receiving love. Since primary love languages change over time and it is difficult to discern the love language of a young child (when most parents rely on punishment), we risk damage to our love relationship with our child when we impose punishments.

So, what is left? Gentle guidance, grace, healthy boundaries. Discipline, in the form of teaching. Modeling the behavior and attitudes we want to see. Working together to find solutions. This is far from permissiveness. It is active work. But love covers a multitude of sins, right? I believe that the fruit from speaking love and choosing not to twist a child's love language into a weapon will bring health to all of us.

Scrubbing toesies in foreign languages

You know those cool quizzes you can take to figure out your love language? Most of the questions have to do with both ways you give and receive love. I decided really quickly that when it comes to showing my love for others, acts of service is pretty low on my list. It is sad, but true.

Need a hug? I'm there. It is automatic for me to respond to anyone with physical touch (probably one of the reasons why it has been relatively easy for me to tandem nurse so long--I rarely get touched out). Need encouragement? I see God's fingerprints on nearly everyone. I love being able to give my sisters a glimpse of themselves in His mirror, that reflects them as the princesses they truly are. Need a companion for coffee? I'll meet you at the nearest Starbucks. Need your floors mopped? (crickets chirping) Um, well, I'll commiserate and leave my shoes on. God, being the wise Father that He is, understands this. So He gave me three kids.

Being a mom is an immersion course in the language of service. Your baby relies on you for everything. But love is so transforming. All of the endless daily tasks from feeding to cleaning change from drudgery to acts of love as we see the trust and delight in their eyes. We breathe in the intoxicating scent of new baby, and find joy in the middle of the night feedings, picking up dropped toys, contorting our face into remarkable grimaces in order to provoke a smile and endless games of patty cake.

Then, some irregular verbs get thrown in. Colic. Tantrums. Exhaustion and frazzled nerves. The acts of service increase exponentially in the cost for us, and the rewards disappear. Instead of gazing at us in adoration for the sacrifices we make, the little ones cry inconsolably, or act completely oblivious to the efforts we make. It's enough to make the most determined philologist want to go back to being monolingual!

Any good textbook will provide examples, though. Over and over, the Bible tells how Jesus served His disciples. He showed us that our authority isn't an excuse to demand to be served, but an opportunity to demonstrate our love to those under us. I'm ashamed to admit how often I've been ungrateful for His gifts to me. Many times, I had no idea that He had even done anything. Other times, I pouted because it wasn't what I wanted or when I wanted it. He continues to patiently wash my feet.

I'm definitely still in the elementary levels of learning to serve others. There are days when I am convinced I'm flunking. But it is getting easier. I am learning to enjoy it. At least on the good days. I am also learning to appreciate some of the unacknowledged work done by others who are serving.

Whatever you have done today has not gone unnoticed. Your acts of service to your family and others are appreciated by God. Don't be weary in well doing. Your work matters. Whether it is another load of laundry, trying to patiently answer yet another question, or splashing with the kidlets in the tub, what you are doing is of value, especially when it is motivated by love.