Gentle Discipline Failures?

This morning showcased a couple of rather spectacular failures with gentle discipline.  I will spare you the gory details, but they involved nearly two dozen eggs smashed all over my bedroom (right after we had run out of laundry soap and on a day in which there was no time to clean up the catastrophic mess) as well as weeping and gnashing of teeth from all parties.  It was ugly all the way around.

Image credit: mattck on Flickr

At one point, I was ready to write off this whole gentle discipline thing as a failure.  It didn't produce the behavior I wanted in my kids or myself.

It is true that my application of the principles of gentle discipline has been flawed.  Sometimes, I have been too busy or lazy to teach as diligently as I ought.  Sometimes I have veered towards being too permissive and then crashed with punitive reactions.  I have yelled, and at times shamed or reacted punitively.  Like today.

I really think that after nine years of immersing myself in gentle discipline, it should come a lot more easily to me, that I should not lose my temper, that I should instinctively respond with grace and wisdom.  And often I don't.

That punitive soundtrack in my head is harder to erase than a despised commercial jingle.

But I cried on the virtual shoulders of my Gentle Christian Mother friends.  I received sympathy, encouragement and wise counsel.  I made amends with my kids.  They made amends with me, including working all afternoon to help clean the mess and offering their own money to replace the eggs and other supplies.

Once I could breathe again, I realized that mistakes do not define us.  Our response to them is so, so much more important than the original error.  I have already been down the road of legalism and perfectionism that focuses on mistakes.  I know where it ends.  It isn't healthy and it isn't what I want for my kids. 

Even with my imperfect practice, gentle discipline is NOT failing my family.  Look at the rest of the story!  We broke the cycle of shaming and anger and disconnection.  We repaired the relationship.  We worked together as a team to fix the problem. 

My kidlets learned that regardless of how much fun and entertainment there seems to be in smashing eggs, it isn't worth it.  At one point I overheard, "I can't believe that it only took a minute to throw them and it is taking forever to clean it up!  This is soooo much more work than I thought it would be!".

I learned (again) something much more valuable.  That people are more important than things.  That my children do care about my feelings, and that trying to make them feel worse will not improve their behavior or attitude.  That there is great healing when we share our frustrations with loving friends who lavish us with grace in those moments when we cannot find our own.  That when we apologize and make amends it all gets better.  And that is worth far more than a couple dozen eggs and an afternoon of cleaning. 

My Inside Voice

"The way we speak to our children becomes their inner voice." ~ Peggy O'Mara

That quote makes me shudder, because my own inner voice is relentless.  I take a measure of comfort (?) in telling myself that it isn't completely true--after all, my own parents spoke love and affirmation over me often.  In fact, my inner voice perhaps more closely mimics the harsh things they said about themselves rather than what they directed towards me.  Which, now that I think about it, isn't comforting at all.

Image credit: yugenro on Flickr

I have some rock solid convictions about parenting, but that doesn't stop me from questioning everything, especially when I fail to live up to my own expectations.  And I fail all the time.  Throw in the fact that two of the four kidlets are always in disequilibrium (you Ames and Ilg-ers know what I mean) and their current ages... (Six.  Oh, six just kills me!  And three is coming up shortly after we hit seven.  Twitch.  Shiver.  Twitch again.)  Um.  Anyway.  

A few months ago, I finally got to meet in real life an amazing gentle mama that I had become connected with online through a gentle parenting board.  I will skip the details, but the combination of travel, being six, and not having much practice in a beloved sibling suddenly wanting to play with someone else, brought out rather horrific behavior in one of my children that had me inwardly writhing in humiliation and outwardly trying to maintain some semblance of calm.

I apologized to her and she gently and loving began to remind me of how God parents us.  However, she wasn't talking about what I should be doing for my children.

She was speaking His mercy over me.

With incredible wisdom, she encouraged me to stop my negative self-scripts and to listen to His voice of truth, love, acceptance and forgiveness.  To remember that I am His child and He is my abba, my papi, my daddy.  To let go of the criticism, disappointment, and shaming messages that play in my head and to respond to my own mistakes with grace and gentleness, the way that I want to respond to my children's mistakes.  I have read many similar things, and some of Naomi Aldort's materials have been helpful, but something in her eyes or voice or words made me really get it.  

I don't expect my eight year old to do quadratic equations.  My two year old can't read.  My six year old doesn't drive (although he wishes he did.  It starts early, I guess).  My four year old doesn't write essays.  And when it comes to behavior, I try very hard to let go of unreasonable expectations and look for what is age appropriate there, as well.  That needs to apply to me, too.

So even though I am an adult who is blessed to have fantastic resources, in real life role models as well as online and through books, I am only eight years old as a mom.  I am still figuring out this parenting thing and working on it.  Some days I don't know what to do.  Some days I know, but I mess up.  I need age appropriate expectations of myself.  

Since my talk with that lovely mama, it is slowly beginning to sink in.  On days when my shoulders sag, the sigh inside can't drown out the whisper of love and acceptance.  I hear His voice humming songs of peace and comfort over me, and it goes deeper than the hiss of the Accuser. 

Somehow, I believe that changing the voice inside me will also change the voice my children hear, both inside and outside.  I want it to be a gentle voice of mercy and grace, truth and love, of acceptance and love.  For all of us.

The Strong Willed Child and the Persistent Widow

Last night, my daughter had a request and I said no.  Instead of giving up, she came to me over a dozen times to ask it again.  To tell the truth, I was a little embarrassed at first, because we had guests who believe in spanking their children, and I know that so many parents feel very strongly about their children accepting something the very first time and not arguing.  My daughter's friend seemed a bit shocked that my dd wouldn't just give it up.  I wondered if it was coming across to them as backtalk.  Then I remembered the parable of Luke 18:1-8.

The Parable of the Persistent Widow 

Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. He said: “In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared what people thought. And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, ‘Grant me justice against my adversary.’“For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, ‘Even though I don’t fear God or care what people think, yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won’t eventually come and attack me!’”
And the Lord said, “Listen to what the unjust judge says. And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?”

Jesus seems to be praising a woman who kept going back to the person in authority over her and wouldn't take no for an answer.  :)  He didn't scold her for being "rebellious" or for not cheerfully accepting the judge's decision.  

Image credit: R. J. Ruppenthal

There are some parenting authors whose primary goal for children seems to be that they never inconvenience their parents.  That isn't my goal for my children.  I want my kids to be healthy in every way and every relationship, to be successful in the things that matter most to them, and to enjoy life and God.  Giving up their dreams the first time someone says no to them, even if that person is in a position of authority, is not likely to lead to any of those goals.  

Certainly, they need to develop a sense of timing, respect and courtesy to others, and to know how to best direct their energies.  But how will they get the practice of persistence if not with us?  Where will they learn how to channel determination if not in our home?

I still believe that my initial boundary was a healthy one, and I did not change my mind and say yes to my daughter.  But neither did I scold her for continuing to ask.  And there have been several occasions when I *did* change my mind rather than cling to foolish consistency.

There are many beautiful things about having a strong willed child.  It is something I am learning to celebrate rather than squash.  And I think that Jesus would agree.  

The Sermon on the Mount for Parents: Salt and Light

Matthew 5-7 has always been one of my favorite Bible passages, and it really contains the core of my parenting philosophy: treating others as we would like to be treated.  The Beatitudes are a treasure trove of incredible parenting advice for me, but I'd like to make my way through the rest of chapter 5 and the following chapters, because there is so much richness in how we relate to our family members here.

Salt and Light

¹³ “You are the salt of the earth, but if salt has lost its taste, how shall its saltiness be restored? It is no longer good for anything except to be thrown out and trampled under people's feet.

¹⁴ “You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. ¹⁵ Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. ¹⁶ In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven. ~ Matthew 5:13-14 ESV

We are the salt in our family.  Salt is known for a couple of things: it gives flavor and preserves food.  Our attitude flavors our home.  My kidlets are Betazoids when it comes to picking up on my emotions, and if things start to spiral, I am never successful at helping them get back on track until I have dealt with my own attitude first.  

Image credit: Dawn Endico on Flickr

Are we allowing the things that should be nurturing our family to spoil?  This can apply to so many things, but my first thought was, "Let your speech always be full of grace, seasoned with salt."  Our words can bring life giving flavor or rottenness and decay.  And it isn't always the words themselves, but the flavor that surrounds them.  Sometimes my words are fine, but the expression on my face and my tone of voice are poison, and it spoils any good that my words might have given.

Lights allow others to see where they are going.  The Proverbs verses that have been twisted to seem as if they promote spanking can mean the presence of the parents being like a sun that beats down on their children, providing light and warmth and a constant presence.  

Another thing that comes to mind when talking about night lights and children is helping them not to be afraid.  I don't ever want my children to be scared of me, or to feel as though they have to hide.  "Hiding my light" could also mean deliberately taking away the things that help them to feel safe and secure, not giving them the direction that they need or denying them my presence and comfort.  

Ironically, so many Christian authors want parents to hide their light from their children.  They want kids to be afraid to come to their parents, whether it is tinies crying alone at night or older kids who make mistakes and know that there will be "consequences".  That is not the way of Jesus, the light of the world, who promised never to leave us or forsake us, the one whose kindness leads us to repentance.  

Image credit: Violette79 on Flickr

I am sure that there are many things that Jesus meant when He called us to be salt and light to our children, but they have an important attribute in common: they make life more pleasant, delicious, and nurturing, by their presence.  They protect us.  I want my kidlets to want me to be around, to feel happy and secure because I am in their lives.  I want to be salt and light, and glorify our Father in heaven.

Review: Starlight Teething Giraffes

My daughter has a new friend:  Chompy, her super-cute, organic teething giraffe from Starbright Baby.    Starbright giraffes are the creation of my lovely friend, Suzi.  Her daughter had received one as a gift, but her three year old niece also wanted one.  Suzi decided to make her own, and her friends were so excited that they shared with their friends, who loved them and told theirfriends.

 I know, I know, amber teething necklaces are pretty and all that, and I am pretty sure that ours helped and all, but there were still some days when my little one was biting everything she could cram into her mouth.  These giraffes are made with a pre-washed, 100% cotton cover (available in organic cotton) that has just enough texture to soothe irritated gums.  The fill is hypoallergenic.  No worries about BPA or other issues with plastic teethers!

Besides being insanely cute, these things are tough!  My little princess demands a pretty high level of durability from her toys (which often get involved in tug-of-war challenges with a sibling) and I was initally concerned that the stitching might come loose or that the fabric would rip.  It still looks brand new (it has gotten a bit grubby, but we wiped it down and it cleaned up well.  They are machine washable, although they might get a bit bent out of shape.)

My little one is no longer teething, but she loved to carry Chompy around and snuggle him.  She is approaching 2.5 and the meltdowns are gaining momentum.  Her giraffe is the perfect calm-me-down tool for a tantrum: it is comforting, soft (both for cuddling and in case it gets thrown :shifty), she can even bite it to release frustration.

We have several friends with little ones, and these make such perfect gifts!  Here are some reasons to get one of these adorable giraffes:  they are awesome, my kidlets loved them (my four year old was seen snuggling with it several times, too!  And chomping it once), they are safe, multi-purpose (lovey, teether, a tool for calming down during tantrums) you are supporting a WAHM, they are gender neutral, and made by a gentle mother.  :happy sigh  Can it get any better than all that?

Yes, as a matter of fact it can!  She is offering a 20% discount code to all of you with the code: DLC20.  Whoohoo!  Check out her shop and don't forget to like her Facebook page so that you can see any new designs.  

Spirit-Led Parenting: Finding the Freedom to Enjoy Co-Sleeping

In April of this year, a long hoped-for dream came to fruition: my dear friend and co-author Laura and I published Spirit-Led Parenting: From Fear to Freedom in Baby's First Year . In it, we encourage parents to lay aside the advice of the experts and call upon God for direction in parenting through infancy. We are vising the blogs of friends to discuss chapters of the book, and we are so thankful to Dulce for sharing her space with us today!

It seems silly to me now, almost eight years later, that I would feel like there was a parenting choice that I was so uncomfortable discussing that I resorted to lying about it. But it's true! That's the extent to which I felt I had to cover and hide the fact that we were *gasp* co-sleeping with our oldest daughter when she was a new baby.

The books I had read prior to her birth cemented the idea in my mind that there was no way a baby should be sharing sleep in the same bed as Mom and Dad. Some of the objections were practical ones dealing with safety and long-term sleep problems, while other objections were spiritual, grounded in the idea that a baby had no place in the sacred "marriage bed."

It was these messages about the wrongness of co-sleeping that played over and over in my head every night as our sweet new baby lay sleeping between us. I was so conflicted about it myself - there was no way I could talk to any of my friends or family members about it. I already knew the idea would be condemned and we would be compelled to change what we were doing.

But I didn't want to change.

As Laura and I began the process of writing Spirit-Led Parenting, we heard from so many other parents who founds themselves facing the same conundrum - they loved co-sleeping with their babies but felt like they had to keep the whole matter secret. In the book, we explore some very valid reasons why one or both parents might be opposed to the practice of co-sleeping (and how to navigate a compromise if that is the case). But what we found most interesting was that across the board, the main reason couples felt they couldn't share the truth about their co-sleeping practice with others is because of the strongly-held belief that co-sleeping is bad for marriage.

One source for this concern for what sharing sleep means for marriage is a misapplication of Hebrews 13:4 which speaks to the idea of keeping the marriage bed pure. Most readers of Scripture can look at that verse and understand that the writer is speaking to the purity of marriage in its entirety - not just the mattress where a husband and wife lay down to sleep.

But beyond that, there are often questions about how a couple can maintain a healthy sex life when co-sleeping is involved. Many couples with more than one child (or more than two or four or even more!) who practice co-sleep find this objection to be entertaining! If nothing else, co-sleeping allows and encourages couples to find a way to think outside the bed when it comes to enjoying time spent alone together.

We go to great lengths to emphasize that co-sleeping is not a requirement or a must-do for parenting that is spirit-led. On the contrary, we hope that parents can be empowered to feel free to practice it in the short-lived season of life with a baby, and to have the freedom to know they aren't doing anything wrong. Because:

Those sweet sleep gowns and footed pajamas are all too quickly tucked away in memory boxes as time grows our little ones into Big Kids who are so fiercely independent. Someday there will be curfews and slumber parties and all-night study sessions and eventually these babies will be teenagers who have to make space in their busy schedules for us. These nights filled with squirms, grunts, and sighs are just a whisper in the lifelong conversation that is parenting. If it's possible, if it's safe, and if it's desirable, this is a precious time to make space for the warm little bodies and sweet little sleepy sounds of the ones born from the unity cultivated in our marriage beds. -- Spirit-Led Parenting, p. 187

We would love to hear your story! Is co-sleeping a taboo topic or openly accepted in your circle of friends? How is it viewed in your faith community?

Spirit-Led Parenting: From Fear to Freedom in Baby's First Year is the first release from authors Megan Tietz and Laura Oyer. Megan writes about faith, family and natural living at SortaCrunchy and lives in Oklahoma City with her husband and two daughters. Laura blogs her reflections on the real and ridiculous things of life at In The Backyard, and makes her home in Indiana with her husband, daughter, and son.

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Megan has been an amazing role model for me in so many ways.  I feel so incredibly honored to have her post here, and to be able to collaborate with her over at A Deeper Family.  This post brought back so many memories of when my eldest was a newborn, and my anxiety over doing things "the right way" and the nervousness I felt at the disapproval of our pediatrician (of course, this was the same guy who gave us a copy of To Train Up a Child with his recommendation, whereupon we found a new doc.  Our current doctor thinks it is wonderful that our babies sleep with us!).  In our case, it was actually my husband who suggested bed sharing.  Ariana had outgrown her pack and play and I mentioned putting her in her own room, even though my heart really wasn't in it.  He looked at me in shock and horror and asked, "Do you see how tiny she is?  How could we have her be all alone?  Just bring her in bed with us."  We now have four children (obviously, a family bed hasn't hurt our marriage!) and even when toddlers starfish or it seems like a bizarre dance some nights as we move around getting comfortable, there is something incredibly precious and secure about having all the people that I love most in the world with me while I sleep.

image source

Strangers at the Table

Seated around the Thanksgiving table, smiling sincere but tight smiles. We are family--it shouldn't feel awkward, but somehow in their presence any social polish I have acquired is stripped away and I revert to a gawky twelve year old.  

Say something. We've already talked about how much the kids have grown, work is going well. Um, now what? Not the elections. Definitely not the elections. We didn't spend the last three months politely ignoring each others' political posts on Facebook for it to all blow up now.

Sports. Hunting. Cars. I don't even know enough about those topics to ask intelligent questions.  I'm pretty sure I should avoid parenting stuff.


 Another bite, another strained smile. Could you please pass the rolls? Wow, your turkey is delicious. What did you put in the dressing this time? We sit at the table together, while I frantically construct a Venn diagram in my mind of topics that we are both interested in.  The areas that overlap are ones where our viewpoints are diametrically opposed.  I suck at small talk.  And underneath it all is so much love and fear of hurting them or of being rejected, but we must not quite be doing it right because perfect love casts out fear and there is still fear here.



Join me at A Deeper Family for the rest of the post!  :)

Adorned by Crystal ~ Review and Giveaway ($20, Worldwide, 11/19/12) Closed

OK, before I get to the actual review, I have to tell you how excited I am about this.  Some people go wild for superstars.  I really don't.  When I worked the Olympics, one of the directors was surprised that I had never once acted the least bit star-struck by the athletes, and even offered to get me any autographs I wanted.  In retrospect, I should have milked that and then sold them on Ebay or something, but while I appreciated their talent, they were just people for me.  However, when the package arrived from Crystal Lutton, I danced around the room squealing and pretty much acted like a teenager with a crush over the gracious card she enclosed. 

Why am I so impressed?  Crystal literally wrote the book on Grace Based Discipline.  Eight years ago, when I was agonizing over the thought of having to spank my baby in order to obey the Bible, I was directed to her site and found both Truth and Grace.  Her teachings changed our lives in ways I would never have imagined.  Her book, Biblical Parenting, gave me a brand new paradigm for discipline.  Then I read Grace Based Living, and began to see how God's grace applied to marriage and other relationships.  Crystal is also a rabbi/pastor, and her ability to share Hebraic perspective has enriched my understanding of the Scriptures.  Along with all of this, she regularly serves as a Titus 2 woman to many, giving practical and loving help to other moms.

Crystal's talents extend far beyond writing, however.  She also creates lovely hats and jewelry for her Etsy shop, Adorned by Crystal.  She offers a wide variety of custom knitted hats as well as fun steam punk jewelry.  After some of her delighted customers commented on how much they loved the baby hats, she began to offer them in adult sizes, as well.  I was so happy to receive one of these for the review!  The intricate work and the variety of colors and materials are lovely and so festive.

I had one slight qualm, however.  I love the look of hats.  I love the warmth of hats during winter.  I also hate anything scratchy or itchy near my ears or head (and I seem to consider many things scratchy or itchy that don't bother most people).  This one was so soft and fit so perfectly that I was actually comfortable wearing it.

Crystal's hats are beautiful and unique.  They would make a fabulous holiday gift, too!  My grandmother adores hats, and I know that one of these would be very special to her.  The softness makes it ideal for someone who has undergone chemo, and their loveliness would complement both women and children.

Lately, I have become more mindful of where my money goes, and supporting someone who is helping families to find freedom and grace makes my heart sing.   Each of these hats is knit with love and prayers from a woman of valor.

So, how can you get one of her fabulous creations?

Win it!  Crystal is offering a $20 store credit as a giveaway.  To enter, leave a comment telling which hat you like best, and be sure to include your email (winner at mail dot com).  For a bonus entry, like her Facebook page for updates on new designs and products and leave a separate comment.  :)  The winner will be chosen by a random number generator on Tuesday, 11/20/2012.

 

Buy it!   Be sure and check out her full selection, and remember that because each one is custom made, you have an incredible array of options!  This is a perfect way to keep both your head and your heart warm this winter.

 

Disclosure:  I received a hat for review purposes.  All of my opinions are given honestly.

How Would Jesus Parent? ~ Guest Post from Sam Martin

I am so incredibly honored to have a guest post from Sam Martin, author of Thy Rod and Thy Staff, They Comfort Me:  Christians and the Spanking Controversy.  Sam is a Biblical scholar for whom I have tremendous respect, and his work to support more families in a greater understanding of grace-filled parenting is bearing tremendous fruit.  Along with his excellent work regarding corporal punishment, I am very excited about his studies and writings regarding the role of women.  He has some amazing articles in the works that you will not want to miss! 

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How would Jesus parent? This, in fact, is a topic of great interest on the web. Numerous magazine articles, a book, scores of blog posts and opinions with a whole range of views and counterviews.

Dulce has a wonderful post titled: Biblical Instructions for Discipline: How Should a Christian Parent?  I found this post to be a real blessing.

Before reading Dulce’s post I was thinking on this issue, so we’ve both decided to give a go at talking about a specific text in this light of asking the question of: How would Jesus Parent?”

I think most of us will admit that there are not too many specific texts where we could point to and say that this is a definitive text which shows how Jesus would parent. People have very strong views on that issue to be certain, but I think that most would agree that this is up to interpretation. That is fine, but I think we have to be willing to look for examples of how Jesus would parent through texts which might not be so obvious right of the top of one’s head.

Dulce’s post has covered many of these in a really beautiful way. So, let’s consider one more. It is found in John’s Gospel Chapter 8:1-11 and it says the following:

“but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. Early in the morning he came again to the temple. All the people came to him, and he sat down and taught them. The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst they said to him, “Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?” This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground. But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. Jesus stood up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.”]] (John 8:1-11 ESV)

The basic approach that I want to take to this text involves a type of dynamic orientation. I’ve used this same type of approach in interpreting the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant. I have a blog post about this to be found here. http://samuelmartin.blogspot.co.il/2011/10/normal-0-false-false-false.html

In this text in John’s Gospel, we have a number of actors and it is my belief that one can assign familial roles to the actors and based upon those assignments, one could determine with some certainty some basic ideas about how Jesus would parent.

To parent, you have to a be a parent. God is, of course, a parent. (Matt. 6:8; Acts 17:28) One not need to belabor that point because it is fairly obvious to all Christians that this is the case.

God has many children as Acts says: “For we indeed are His offspring.” (17:28). Paul is just as explicit: “The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God,…” (Romans 8:16)

Now, Jesus Christ is God. He is the “Emmanuel”, the “God with us.”

So, when we read John 8, we can say with absolute certainty that in this story, Jesus takes the role of a father. Now, that father in this story is going to “parent” some of his children in this story.

In the story, the parent (Jesus) is approached by His children. The children in John 8 are also obvious. They are first, the scribes and the Pharisees. Some of these children were “older” (v. 8) and one of these children is a “woman.” (v.3)

The parent has quite a large family of many ages and in this story, the male children come to their father asking him to punish their sister, who has broken a serious family rule.

But what does their father do?

First, we have to note that the children are testing their father to see what He intends to do and He remains totally calm.  He bends down and writes each of the names of the accusing children on the ground without saying a word.  This is not the end, because the accusing children still want their father to punish their sister.

But, their father says: And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” (John 8:7 ESV)

In other words, you are accusing her of something. You be the first one to punish her.

But, then He bends down again and writes one by one names next to the names of His children and these names represent individuals with whom His older children had done the same thing that they were accusing the young girl child of.

Then all of the older children left starting with the oldest to the youngest and no accuser is left.

Then, the father tells the young daughter that no one remains to accuse Her. He acknowledges that she did in fact sin, but tells her in this instance, don’t do it anymore.

What can we learn about Jesus’ parenting style?

1.      It is based upon knowledge. He had greater knowledge than His children. This is generally the case for parents. We have more knowledge than our kids and they need to be reminded of that.

2.      His older children were accusing the young, defenseless vulnerable youngster in the family. Jesus as the parent treated all equally.

3.      Jesus as a parent shows that He is not going to put up with accusations from a place of hypocrisy.

4.      Jesus attempted to gently “in secret” attempted to show His older children that He knew their claim against their sister was hypocritical. [Jesus did this first writing the names of women who those accusing the woman had been with.]

5.      When His older children did not heed His first “in secret” warning, He made a more public, specific announcement of their hypocrisy. [By then kneeling down again, then Jesus wrote the names of the various men next to the women they had been with doing the very thing they had accused the woman of.]

6.      Jesus, as the parent, did not punish His daughter, the woman for the first offense, for which she had violated the family rules. He warned her and told her not to do it again. There is also an implicit warning to the older children by His first instance of writing on the ground. Only when they did not listen and follow his warning, they were then judged publically before all and punished.

7.      The punishment was meant to touch the soul, not the body and we see the action of the accusers, who one minute were calling for the immediate death of a woman, but in the next minute, were leaving never to come back having disgraced themselves before all.

Conclusions

Jesus gives an example in this story of how He parents His children. His punishments are designed to touch the heart, not the body and his forgiveness is given due to repentance and a willingness not to continue in sin.

Your thoughts welcomed.

First Born

My husband and I are both the eldest in our families, so we experienced both the pitfalls and privileges firsthand.  I distinctly recall making a promise to myself at age nine that the phrase, "But you are older and should know better!" would never cross my lips.  The words might not have, but the sentiment has stuck in my subconscious lately. 

Our first born is nearly nine years old.  Like most first-borns, she has always communicated well (she was using complete sentences in both Spanish and English at 13 months), and even though I know better, I have often fallen into the trap of expecting more of her than I should because she sounds older at times.  Academics are very easy for her, she reads above grade level, she loves to cook full meals, gladly helps with her younger siblings, and we have a lovely friendship.  She is closer and closer to becoming a woman, but is still very much a child.

We have had several transitions lately, and the one that affected her the most was a change away from our family bed.  Of all the kidlets, it has been most important to her to be next to me, and the youngest still nurses several times at night, so she would be on one side and the baby on the other.  However, with four kidlets, it got to be too much even for our king size bed, as somebody was always inadvertently kicking someone else and the little ones still starfished.  A few weeks ago we switched so that only the two younger ones were in bed with me.

Outwardly, she handled it very well.  She didn't fuss at night and I thought things were going pretty smoothly.  She made a couple of comments about things being unfair with the little ones, but I brushed them off, being preoccupied with all the other things going on in our lives lately.  Sometimes, I am really dense.

The truth is that both of the tinies have had some particularly challenging behaviors (they are tenderhearted little Klingons whose rages are terrible to behold and arise out of the most seemingly insignificant things).  I was in the middle of finals and all the extras of turning in grades and end of the semester stuff, and in the midst of it all, I expected my eldest to be "easy" so that I could spend my energies on the others.  That was incredibly unfair.

Even worse, I used Biblical truths insensitively.  I reminded her of things like the importance of children obeying their parents, forgiving others and kindness and whatever else she seemed to need.  Because we weren't connecting well, it came across as bullying and letting her know that this was just one more area where she was falling short.  

Thankfully, she has a safe circle of friends to whom she can vent.  As embarrassing as it is to have her openly sharing my shortcomings (and as aggravating it is when it seems like she has exaggerated them!), on more than one occasion it has helped to open my eyes to things that I was brushing off or oblivious to.  I read her posts about her hurt and resentment and saw that she was terribly missing the extra closeness we had had.

We had a tear-filled, heart-sharing time of reconnection.  I apologized and she graciously forgave me.  We also talked about the difficulties of being the oldest and how it can lead to unfair expectations.  Together we brainstormed on different ways to strengthen our connection to each other.  When she weaned so many years ago, we started having times of cuddle-leche.  Now her preferred way to connect is for the two of us to go to Starbucks.  :)

We also talked about the promises and privileges that come with being the oldest.  Over and over in the Bible, firstborns were specially dedicated to God.  Both of her names actually mean that she has been consecrated to Him, and I am convinced that there is a reason this amazing daughter was the first of our beloved kidlets.  As she looked back and began to realize some of the things that she has been able to do that her siblings haven't, she also realized that while not everything is fair, she has received many privileges from being the oldest.

I still make so many wrong turns as a mom.  I am so very thankful that grace is for mamas, too, and for the open and tender heart of my lovely first born.  I want to protect her from the perils of perfectionism and all the other traits that can so easily entangle firstborns, and do everything I can to help fulfill all the beautiful promises for who she is.  And for all the times when I make mistakes, I want to fall into grace for both of us.