The Petite Sous Chef--GD and younger siblings

This is from a few weeks ago when they interrupted their dress up play to make snowcream together.

I have shared in previous posts about giving my seven year old more responsibilities in the kitchen and taking her seriously.  This morning, she was making pancakes while I took care of the baby.  My two year old went into the kitchen to see what was going on and begged to help.  Now, despite (or because of) all of the experience I have had cooking with the kidlets, I get just how frustrating it can be.  Efficiency goes out the window (at least in the early stages).  It takes longer and there is more work involved supervising everyone else.  It is simpler to just do it yourself, you know?

So I expected that Ariana would tell Elena to do something else or try to gently distract her.  Instead, she paused and really looked at her little sister.  "You really want to help, don't you?"  "YES!" beamed the two year old.  "Well, the stove is very hot and you could get burned.  But I have a very important job you can do."  As she was talking, my seven year old quickly melted some butter in the microwave, and placed it next to the rack of pancakes she had just cooked.  Handing her little sister a pastry brush, she told her to paint all the pancakes with melted butter.  Elena was so pleased--how much more fun can a two year old have than that?!

After she finished, Ariana carefully instructed her in making pancakes, and let her put a couple of spoonfuls of batter in the pan.  Elena compared hers to Ariana's and said that she messed up.  Ariana lovingly reassured her that just because they were different sizes or shapes didn't mean that they weren't as good.  Elena's smile lit up again.  I just watched in awe at the wisdom and tenderness of my daughter towards her little sous chef. 

I struggle so hard to incorporate my convictions about how to treat my children.  Things like welcoming them into my plans when I am trying to get things done, really listening to them, giving them fun  opportunities to contribute in a meaningful way, gently encouraging instead of controlling and telling them how to "improve" upon their results.  These are lessons that I have to work at on a daily (hourly) basis.  And my seven year old seemed to do it effortlessly!  It reminded me that part of the reason I am working to treat my children with gentleness and respect is so that they will find it easier to treat their own children that way.

My First-ever Giveaway!!!!!!!!1!!!1!Eleventy!!! :D

OK, the exclamations were a bit overdone, but I am super excited!  A couple of months ago, Mamapoekie at Authentic Parenting encouraged me to really examine why I blog.  The more I pray and consider, the more strongly I believe that my purpose is to help "turn the hearts of the parents to their children".  I also goof off a lot here.  While most of my posts tend to focus on aspects of parenting that I want to learn better in my own life, I have a short attention span and throw in pretty much anything that passes through my head and heart. 

It really isn't about the numbers (I blogged for a couple of years with less than 10 followers) but I admit that my heart jumps and I get a huge smile whenever someone else adds this blog or likes the Facebook page.  This week we hit 50 blog followers and 300 fans on the Facebook page!  You are my parenting community, and I find that your posts and comments are full of grace and wisdom and help me to grow in so many ways.  I would like to do a little something to say thanks to you all (well, actually, I'd like to do a huge giveaway, but that will have to wait until either I get a raise or a bunch of generous sponsors make some offers) ;).

I have a couple of awesome friends whose products I love.  Amy, from LC Creations, has been a friend since we were both eight years old.  Her bows, specially embroidered clothing and other items are fabulous!  (not just for girls, either) I have also become a big fan of DoTERRA essential oils.  Their Breathe and Citrus Bliss scents are amazing.  I have found that rubbing a little of the Breathe blend under my nose helps me rest better all night, and even used it during an asthma attack recently.  My friend Becki was the one who first gave me some of the oils, and she and her husband are a big part of Benosh, helping families enjoy the outdoors together.

So, for this giveaway, I am going to give one $25 gift certificate to LC Creations and one Introduction to Essential Oils kit from DoTERRA with lavender, lemon and peppermint essential oils.  You have 3 ways to enter: leave a comment here on the blog with your favorite peaceful parenting quote, get on Facebook and "like" LC Creations, Benosh (and me, if you haven't already! :p) and come back here and leave a comment letting me know (one for each page).  Leave your comments by 11:00PM CST Sunday, March 6, 2011.  Winners will be selected randomly and announced on Monday, March 7.  After all, who doesn't need some happy news on a Monday morning?

Many thanks and much love to you all!

Thoughts of Spring Blog Party Post ~ All About Me

Hola!  Glad you stopped by!  I am Dulce, married for over a decade to my Amado, loving life with my four kidlets: Ariana (7), Joel (5), Elena (2) and Amaya (8 months).

How would people describe your personality? (If they could only use ONE word.) Are they right?  Happy.  (I smile a LOT).  And yes, I usually am.  If not, you will know it. 

What celebrity/celebrities would create a “Star-Struck” feeling if you saw them in real life?  Truthfully, I am not that into celebrities.  Even when I got to meet several gold-medal athletes, I was only mildly excited.  I would be thrilled about meeting one of my favorite chefs, but I would reserve the real "star-struck" feelings for some of the moms I've read, like Crystal Lutton or Dr. Momma.

Who is your favorite blogger? Why?
Ooh, that is hard.  I read several.  Peaceful Parenting, Pieces of My Mind, and Code Name: Mama always make me think.  And when the baby wakes up in the middle of the night, I am irresistibly drawn to check if there is a new post by Under the Olive Branch.  But there are dozens of others, too.

What is your comfort food/drink?
Iced coffee.  By the gallon.  (OK, that might be an exaggeration.  Then again, maybe not.)  Chocolate.  Tacos (real ones--carnitas, cilantro, onion and salsa verde on soft, fresh corn tortillas.  NOT a couple of spoons of ground beef, lettuce and cheese on an oversized chip.)

Be brave – tell us something very random and weird about yourself.
I can twist my tongue so that the bottom part is on top and the top part is on the bottom.  

Do you have a strong desire to do something you’ve never done? What is it?
I would love to visit some places I have never been, like Australia, New Zealand, Africa and Asia.  I like trying new things and enjoying fresh adventures.  I would love to go sky diving.

Movies: Action, Drama, Romantic Comedy, Documentary, Comedy? What are your favorite genres?
I can enjoy just about any of those--it depends on the individual movie.  I like movies about smart people, with plenty of adventure and some laughs.  I want happy endings, always.  Real life has enough tragedy.

Books: Fiction, Non-Fiction, Romance, Biographies, True Stories, Self-Help, Devotional/Study? What are your favorite types of reading material?
All of the above.  I am a compulsive reader--to the point that by the time I was eight, I had memorized all the ingredients on our shampoo bottles, and read the list of ingredients in most of our foods.  I am not materialistic with shoes, clothes or things like that, but I must have books! Some of my favorite fiction authors are Robin Jones Gunn, Elizabeth Peters, Tamora Pierce, Laurie R King, and Charlotte MacLeod.  Most of my favorite parenting books are under the recommended reading category here, although I need to update it.

Music: Funk, Rock, Country, Jazz, Classical, Film Score, Blues, Classic Rock, Crooner, Alternative, Heavy Metal, Techno? What are your favorite types? 
Anything except country, which is practically against the law in Oklahoma.   I enjoy a lot of CCM oldies, like Rich Mullins, old Petra and DC Talk (I know, I am stuck in the early 90s, music-wise).  My favorite, though, is praise and worship music in Spanish.  Nothing else quite reaches inside me in the same way.  I've been listening to a lot of Danilo Montero recently.


If you inherited a million dollars, what is the first thing you would do with your money?
Pay off our house, and help our parents out of debt.  Give some away to people who need it.  Travel.


Name one weakness of yours (confession is good for the soul).
Just one?  I am a terrible housekeeper.  I dislike cleaning and rarely do it.


If you could live anywhere at all (and take all your loved ones with you), where would you go?
All over.  We would definitely have a home in Puebla, Mexico and one in Puerto Rico, but I would love to live in other countries, too.

Strange Talent? Can you juggle basketballs, put your legs behind your head or some perform some other strange feat?
Ummm...nope.  The tongue thing that I mentioned earlier is about it.

What’s something you consider yourself to be good at? (Don’t worry, it’s not bragging, it’s acknowledging a God given gift).
Languages come easily to me.  Seeing patterns in things.  

What is one of your favorite things to catch a whiff of? 
My family.  I love burying my face in their necks, or nuzzling their hair. With all of our allergy issues, we don't do much in the way of fragrances.  However, a friend gave me some Doterra essential oils, and I absolutely adore their Citrus Bliss and Breathe oils.

When you leave a social gathering, do you wish: You would have talked more or You would have talked less? 
It could go either way.  Social skills are not my strength, and I tend to either freeze up or chatter about a topic beyond the interest of the person I am with.

If money wasn’t a factor, what stores would you shop in?
I would do all organic, healthy food stuff.

What is your greatest fear?
I don't have an always-there fear, but I do get panicky when my kids get really sick.  

What is your greatest accomplishment?
I am not sure.  With everything, I can see how much I was helped by others.  I would say the natural births of Elena and Amaya.  I followed what I believed God was telling me, and I am so glad that I did.  (And a huge hug to littlemama for making it possible!)

What are your favorite animals?
I am allergic to anything with hair, and I don't really like dogs, anyway--too slobbery and jumpy.  I like snakes, but if we had one, neither of our mothers would ever step foot in our house again.  I like dolphins, but I don't have any experience with them.

Are you a hopeless romantic?
Yup.  But my sense of humor interferes a lot.

What movie or book character can you most relate to?
Almost any well-written character draws me in and makes me see certain aspects of myself.  I actually found Bella from the Twilight series to have a lot in common with me: clutzy, easily accepting of the supernatural and differences in others, a tad too self-absorbed...


Any other burning questions?  Feel free to ask in the comments! :)

There are all kinds of awesome prizes and goodies being given away--don't forget to visit the other blogs and leave some comments. :)

GD as a Second Language

Welcome to the 2nd Annual Carnival of Gentle Discipline!

This post was selected as one of the Crème de la Crème of gentle discipline blogging! Click on the image to view more Crème de la Crème posts!

If you have ever learned another language, then you are especially equipped to understand the learning curve for gentle discipline when it was not the language you grew up speaking.  Most of us grew up speaking punitive parenting.  After several years, we became fluent in shame and punishment.  The thought patterns were so ingrained that we could respond automatically.  Then, as we became parents ourselves, we decided to learn a new language--one of respect, empathy, and peace.

Learning a second language is challenging.  Some people will find that they have an aptitude for it--it seems pretty easy for them, especially if they were exposed to a lot of gentle discipline in childhood.  Others will find that it takes tremendous effort.  Either way, it is possible to become fluent in GD.  It just takes commitment and a lot of work.

In the beginning, there is the challenge of learning a new vocabulary.  Many start off with basic phrases, like greetings and so on.  Then they start to memorize numbers and the alphabet.  In the same way, you can give yourself a script of some of the basics in gentle discipline, or some of the situations that you most frequently encounter.  Believe it or not, the most basic things are often some of the most difficult to master, because they are so deeply embedded in our thought patterns.  I love Naomi Aldort's SALVE for this:

Along with the new vocab, it is important to learn the structure.  If you can grasp the patterns for verb conjugation, you can learn the language.   In Spanish, that means dropping the ending from the infinitive of the verb so that you have the root, and then adding a new ending to indicate the subject.  In GD, it means getting rid of the old ending to actions, and finding the root of the issue.  Once you know what the true subject is, you can add a new ending to reflect that.  Each new tense has new endings to learn, but once you grasp the basic principles, you can adapt much more easily.

Books are helpful, of course.  In the beginning, they can help you learn grammar and vocab, and as you begin to read more and more books in the target language, you start to pick up on more subtle nuances, more colloquial phrases, and usage patterns.  Reading books on GD can be very helpful, both in the beginning to show you the basics and as you progress, to deepen your understanding and expand your toolbox.

In order to really become fluent, though, you need to immerse yourself in the language.  Speak it every chance you get.  Listen to it daily.  Surround yourself with native speakers, if you can.  If you are around people who speak your first language all the time, it is incredibly difficult not to go back to it.  In the same way, it is extremely hard to practice GD if you are constantly hearing and seeing punitive parents.  Do everything you can to immerse yourself in GD--give yourself daily exposure.  Listen to gentle, nonviolent words--if you don't have real life friends to practice with, find GD models on the internet or wherever else you can. 

Move past translation into whole thoughts.  Most students start off trying to translate the language.  It is understandable, but much of the time, it doesn't work.  I once had a student tell me that on the weekends, he and his friends get a little wild.  He put it through an online translator, and came up with, "Mis amigos y yo obtenemos un pequeño salvaje."  (My friends and I obtain a small savage.)  With gentle discipline, if you are trying to translate it through a punitive program, you will wind up frustrated, looking for "consequences" that will make your children feel bad enough to change their behavior.  Even if your words are GD, it won't work until you change your very thought patterns.

Never allow fear of embarrassment to keep you from speaking.  If you are unsure of your skills in the target language, it is extremely difficult to force yourself to speak in public.  If you are in a publicly embarrassing situation with your child, GD suddenly becomes a hundred times harder.  You fear the judgment of those around you if it doesn't come out as smoothly as you would wish.  Remember that how you respond to your child's actions is far more important than how your child is acting.

Practice, practice, practice.  Every moment is a possibility.  Be intentional.  Study in advance--don't just show up on test day and wing it.  Chances are good that you will fail the test unless you are constantly practicing.  Don't wait until you are angry and frustrated--work on things before they get to that point.

Overcome discouragement.  Learning a new language is often discouraging.  It takes time.  If you have spent an entire lifetime immersed in punitive parenting, it is unlikely that you will be completely fluent in GD in a matter of days.  I've spoken Spanish and English for years, and still make mistakes in both.  Even  native speakers screw up from time to time--how much more those who are still learning the language!   Don't allow the occasional misstep to make you decide to go back to your original language.  Sometimes parents get frustrated and want to bounce back to punitive parenting.  (And, FYI, speaking punishment louder won't make you better understood.)  Apologize and try again.  If you look at your progress objectively, you will be able to see how far you have come!

A Lesson from my Petite Chef

After the post on taking her desire to cook seriously and giving her more responsibilities and freedoms in that area, Ariana has gone to town.  This morning, I mixed up some pancake batter, but left it because the baby was fussy.  I walked into the kitchen, and she was happily frying up pancakes.

I am, to put it mildly, a bit of a control freak.  I noticed that she dripped a little batter.  That she was starting to flip a couple of them too soon.  That a different angle with the spatula would be easier for her.  I opened my mouth to tell her.  Then the Holy Spirit gave me a nudge.

None of the things I wanted to say was harsh or insulting.  I wanted to "help".  But in spite of my motivations, I could see it play out in my mind, just as it had played out in my past, with the radiant sparkle in her eyes dying down just a bit with each word of advice or correction until all the luster was dulled.  I took a deep breath.

She looked a little worried.  "Mom?  I messed up on a couple of these."  I smiled and told her that I did that sometimes, too.  In fact, it is a known rule among chefs that the first pancakes just don't turn out quite as good as the rest of the batch.  They were fine.  The anxious look faded and I received a blinding smile.  And you know what?  She was able to see for herself what she needed to do to make the next ones better.  I strongly suspect that most of the time, pointing out flaws is not particularly enlightening.  In my experience, most of the time people are already aware of the flaws, and encouragement is more constructive than criticism.  But, oh, how hard it is not to mention what could be better!

I left her to finish up, and when I returned, she had sliced bananas on top of the remaining pancakes and had dusted them with nutmeg.  Forgetting all that I had just learned, I asked her if she thought that the nutmeg might be too overpowering since it has such a pungent flavor.  She stood by her product.  I tried one, and had to apologize.  She had used a light touch, and instead of overpowering, it perfectly accented the banana.  They were delicious!  Oh, me of little faith.  All of the crunch of a waffle, but tender inside, yummy flavors.

Even more than a hot breakfast that I didn't have to cook, what I got out of this morning was another lesson in trust, in letting go, in being thankful, in moving past perfectionism, in joy, and in keeping my mouth shut.  It seems that I need this lesson far more than my seven year old needs a cooking class.  Thankfully, I have a patient and loving teacher.

My Passionate Petite Chef

 I had an argument with my seven year old today.  I wanted her to get out her schoolbooks.  She dawdled.  She sighed.  I pushed and pressured.  She balked.  I threatened.  Not my finest hour, by any means.  Here I am trying to coerce her into learning, when I keep having to repeat my own lessons over and over!  I breathed.  I questioned and listened.  She burst out with what she really wanted to do.  Eyes glowing, she told me how much she really wanted to cook something.

The apron was a gift from her bisabuela. :)

Since she was two, my first born has been telling me she wants to be a chef.  This is probably in part because of my reliance on the Food Network when she was small.  The TV was often on as background noise (I know, I know), and it was one of the few channels that Carlos and I both enjoyed that was always age-appropriate for the little ones.  Before he was even two years old, she and Joelito were staging epic Iron Chef battles.

Furthermore, she comes from a long line of good cooks on both sides.  I was born in Puebla, which at least guarantees that I will enjoy good food.  My mother and both grandmothers were excellent cooks.  My adopted grandma from England loved to cook and loved to share that with me.  She always encouraged me to have fun and experiment.  My inlaws are from Mexico and Puerto Rico, and make fabulous food.

Ariana was diagnosed with food allergies as soon as she turned three.  We had to eliminate wheat, corn, eggs, dairy, peanuts, olives (and EVOO), and green beans.   I had to start cooking everything from scratch, because there really isn't much available when it comes to processed food that doesn't contain at least one of those allergens.  I was also appalled at how clueless most people were about food.  I would explain that she had a wheat allergy and they would insist that she could eat bread or pasta because it was white, not wheat.  Or that butter didn't count as dairy.  I wanted to make sure that she knew what was in food first hand from an early age.  So pretty much from the time she could stand on a chair, she (and later each of her siblings), has been helping me in the kitchen.

Today, after listening to her desire, I reminded myself that this is one of the reasons that we homeschool.  She went to the computer and began looking up culinary instruction videos.  She watched several on knife techniques and how to chop an onion.  We talked about the importance of holding her hand so that her knuckles are next to the knife, not her thumb or fingertips (thank you, Anthony Bourdain!).

Then she radiantly set about making her dish of choice, a curried chicken salad similar to the one at her favorite tea shoppe.  She pulled the chicken breasts from the freezer and thawed them.  She filled a pot 1/2 full of water, added the thawed chicken breasts and boiled them.  She drained the water, cleaned the chicken breasts and shredded them.  She chose all the extra ingredients, from poppy seeds to cilantro, and added them, thoughtfully considered then rejected the idea of raisins, tasting carefully to make sure the seasoning was just right.  Finally, she served the chicken salad on croissants.  I limited my role to that of a consultant, and let her do all the actual work.

They were good.  Really good.  In fact, Carlos wanted another one, but they were all gone!  This isn't unusual.  She made multiple dishes for Thanksgiving last year on her own, too, including a delicious corn bread dressing from scratch.  She makes desserts for us on a regular basis.  By the time she was five, she would go fire up the stove and make sincronizadas for herself and anyone else who wanted a snack. 

I think there is something in our culture that makes us want to treat children's passions with a knowing, indulgent smile and pat on the head for the sheer cuteness.  But we don't want to take them seriously right now.  We might agree that there is potential for the future, and that they have an aptitude or knack for something.  But their passions at this moment are often viewed as nothing more than frivolous play.

While the details of her future culinary career change from time to time, Ariana has been saying for the last five years that she wants to have her own restaurant (most likely a tea shoppe).  Today, as I watched her competence and pleasure, I realized that this is serious for her.  Regardless of what she may attempt in the future, this is her passion right now.   It isn't just cute to watch a barely-turned seven year old cook.  This is what she wants to do.  And instead of just indulging her in it, I am going to treat this as seriously as she does.

We agreed that from now on, she will be responsible for at least one family meal per week, and most likely an entire day's worth of meals.  We will collaborate on menu planning, she will help me purchase the ingredients, and on the days when she cooks, I will be her sous chef, limited to assisting in any way she needs, but that she will be the chef.

I am looking into culinary classes for children in our area, and plan to make sure that she is able to focus as much as she likes on cooking during our days.  I don't know what she will do in the future.  I am sure she will eat ;) but who knows whether she will ultimately choose to cook professionally.  However, regardless of what she chooses, I want her to know that I take her dreams and passions seriously, and that I have confidence in her.  She will be much more apt to believe that then if I preheat the oven for her future by taking her seriously right now.

Wherein I (Mostly) Agree with the Mainstream Mags

During my first couple of years of mommyhood, I eagerly read every issue of every mainstream parenting magazine out there.  I nodded along with each bland, middle of the road article.  After a few months, though, they all began to sound like reruns of the same cheesy infomercial:

Breastfeeding:  Breast is Best!  For a limited time only! (6 months.  1 year, max.)  Supplies are limited! 
(You probably won't make enough, anyway, or at the very least will want to get away some.  You also need to add rice cereal by 4-6 months.)  Go hands free!  (Make sure someone else feeds the baby once in awhile, so that they can bond, too.)

Sleep:  Are you tired of your baby sleeping like a...baby?  Then you need to try our sleep training program!  Just pay three easy installments of CIO, and you will get more sleep, guaranteed! (After all, your baby doesn't really need to nurse during the night after [insert arbitrary time period] and is probably just doing it out of habit.  Of course, it is hard to listen to them cry--we aren't heartless--but we know that it is being done For Their Own Good.)  And our approach is gentler on the stomach! (We don't advocate leaving them in their vomit.  Just let them cry in gradually increasing intervals).

Punishment:  Try our diet-consequences!  Our punishment-lite has all of the flavor, none of the guilt!  Just combine one minute of time out per year of age, add a sticker chart and several "Good jobs!", apply consistently, and you will see results!  (For maximum results, add at least one meaningless choice per day--aka blue shirt vs red shirt--so that your child has the illusion of control.  Those attitudes will melt right off!)

I won't even get into the bimonthly reprint of the same article telling us that it has been thoroughly proven that the mercury in vaccines does *not* cause autism, but it is such a classic that it hasn't changed since 2004. 

But, snark aside, there is one topic that I basically agree with them on.  Surprised?  Me, too.  I won't try to read too much into that.  But with one major caveat, I agree with them on favoritism.

We all know that playing favorites hurts.  But what about when it is your child, not the parent, who plays favorites?  Despite our best efforts not to let it get under our skin, it can still sting.  In fact, one of the preferred arguments in favor of formula-feeding is that the baby will be too attached to the mom (literally) and that dad will get left out.

I've talked with a lot of moms who mention that in those first several months after becoming a parent, their husbands do feel a little left out of the loop.  The mom and baby are bonding and so focused on each other that they don't seem to need anyone else.   Sometimes the dads are hesitant to try or take any displeasure by the baby personally, and just default to letting mom care for the baby.  And some moms reinforce the dad's feelings of inadequacy through hovering, "helping", or correcting.

Our oldest daughter has always been extremely close to me.  And I suspect there were times when her toddler cries of, "Mami do it!" hurt just a bit.  It would have been easy to blame breastfeeding.  Instead, we gave them more time together and more ways to connect.

With each new child, one of my favorite things has been to watch the increased closeness that the toddlers develop with their dad.   While I try to reassure them a lot, and tandem nursing provides plenty of mami-time, they always wind up doing a lot more with Daddy. Watching him snuggle them to sleep, calm tantrums with play, and do fun things with them provides much needed peace to all of us.

I don't know if part of it is simply his increased comfort level with babies, or if it is simply a personality thing, or what, but the last two have showed a distinct preference for Daddy, even as infants.  Our seven month old squeals with delight as soon as he walks into the room and immediately raises her hands and calls, "Dadee! Dadadee!"  If he waits for more than a split second, her indignant squawk of protest makes it clear that she is outraged by the slight.  As he cuddles her, her face beams satisfaction.

When I have to work or just want to meet a friend for coffee or do some solo shopping, I am comfortable knowing that they are with him.  Does he do things differently than I would?  Sure.  That isn't a bad thing, though.  In fact, I believe that they benefit from seeing how different people handle things differently.  Flexibility is important for everyone.  There have certainly been times when a toddler told us coldly that "Daddy/Mami doesn't do it that way!" but we all learn more from that.  Sometimes the kids adjust, sometimes we do.  Either way, it is good.

So, my advice to parents going through a distinct stage of preference on the part of the child pretty much boils down to what "they" would say:  Don't take it personally.  This too shall pass.  Give both parents the opportunity to parent without you parenting the other parent.

My one deviation is that I do not think that the other parent must feed with a bottle or miss out on bonding.  Even with my marathon-nurslings, there are plenty of moments in the day for the other parent to step in and have close times with the baby.  (My personal opinion was that if one parent is handling all the input, the other can be responsible for all the out-put.  While my husband has definitely done his share of diaper duty, he isn't quite 100% behind that one, but as I said, flexibility is good.)

If this were a magazine article, I would try to tie it all up with a cute bow.  I won't, though, because I know it isn't always that easy.  I have the best possible scenario--a wonderful husband who is devoted to his kids and fully trustworthy.  He wants to be with them, and they want to be with him.  Even so, each of the kidlets has expressed favoritism at one point or another.  It isn't a competition, though, and we continue to discover in more ways that we are all on the same team.  I still need to work on a catchy commercial slogan, though.

The Essentials

Relationships.  Love God, love people.  Nothing else matters.

Love in the Time of...

Image by Gúnna on Flickr

Not cholera, thank God.  Just gastroenteritis.  For some reason (I suspect vaccines, but it may not be related at all), our seven year old is knocked out by every tummy bug that comes our way.  The rest of us can bounce back quickly, but it takes her forever to get over it.  This last one hit her especially hard.  Hard enough that I took her in to the after hours clinic yesterday, and was grateful for the meds that they gave us, and I am much more the wait-it-out and don't-medicate-unless-you-have-to kind.

In our life many years ago BC (Before Children), my husband and I would enjoy romantic weekends.  We might take a little trip or just stay home, but regardless, it would be a time of leisurely passion and enjoyment together.  It might involve a special meal or flowers or chocolates or special gifts.  One year he wrote the most beautiful love letter, and typed it out into the shape of a heart!  My Beloved has always been incredibly romantic.  He is also creative.  This weekend was considerably different from the BC ones, but nonetheless, he made it romantic.  Some highlights:

* Getting up at 3AM as our daughter was vomiting.  Knowing that she was pretty dehydrated by this point, I kept her awake so that I could have her drink Pedialyte every few minutes.  The baby's radar went off as soon as I got up, so Carlos comforted her while I took care of Ariana.  Then, instead of going back to bed, he stayed up with us and watched movies on Netflix together.  Drinking coffee in the dark at around 4:30 AM and snuggling close together while taking care of a sick kidlet is romantic if you want it to be.

* Taking care of phone-related chores that I have been letting go.  I mentioned in my phonophobe post that I really dislike talking on the phone.  Somehow, some creep got ahold of my phone number and has been spamming me with porn.  Ick, ick, ick.  I've called several times, and the phone company has been very kind, and even offered a blocker program for free.  Except it didn't work.  I got another pic from the blocked number a couple days ago, but was too busy taking care of the kidlets to bother with anything.  Yesterday he spent a long time with customer service, but was able to get things taken care of once and for all.

* Adjusting our TV service.  We cut back several months ago to the most limited package available to save money, but we also lost nearly all of our favorite channels.  He negotiated with them yesterday and was able to get all of the favorite channels back (I can now watch Food Network and Top Chef again, and Elena can watch her beloved Yo Gabba Gabba) for less than we were paying for the basic package!

* Snuggling together and watching an episode of Throwdown with Bobby Flay, thanks to the aforementioned negotiation.  Laughing together at how, regardless of whether he is making brownies, ice cream, moussaka, waffles or anything else, Bobby adds chiles.  (As chile-lovers ourselves, we can sympathize).

* The way he noticed how our two-year-old has been feeling left out and displaced with all the attention required by the other kidlets recently.  He has gone out of his way to tenderly and patiently fill her love cup, making sure to include her and let her know she is special to us, too.  Yeah guys, tenderness is as sexy as it gets.

* Grabbing a delicious dinner to go, and going for a walk in the shopping center while they fixed for us.  The perfect opportunity to have our arms around each other, to walk holding hands and talk about plans for the future and yet still not be away from the sick little ones for long.

* Fixing me his famous banana smoothie for breakfast.

* Finding ways to make me laugh, even when I am loopy from lack of sleep, worried about our sweeties and in desperate need of a shower.

* Taking care of biohazardous laundry without being asked.  I don't blame people for not reading my mind, but I sure appreciate it when they do!

* Taking advantage of every opportunity to hold my hand and give me that look.

Don't get me wrong--I loved all the special times before we had kids.   They were very nice.  But the energy and creativity to make me feel in love in the time of gastroenteritis?  That is amazing.  He is amazing.  <3

Survival Parenting 101

Image by Perfecto Insecto on Flickr

For the last three nights (or maybe 4?  I can't remember now) I have been up since around 3 AM with a sick kidlet.  Funny now, but when my daughter was first born, I couldn't believe how little sleep I was getting, despite all the horror stories.  I was sure that no one could cope with that level of sleep deprivation and still function.  Three more kids, and my perception of normal has changed somewhat.  The last two babies seemed so much easier to adjust to than the first two.  Moms don't get days off, and we do what we have to do.  However, there are several things that I rely on after a particularly short night.  In random order, since my thoughts are about as organized as hyper butterflies right now:

1.  Water.  Staying hydrated is crucial for me, especially since I am nursing three.  When I don't get enough sleep, I get loopy and have to remind myself to drink enough.

Image by Ballistik Coffee Boy on Flickr

2. Go easy on the caffeine.  Sounds counter-intuitive, I know.  Coffee is a staple in our house.  Even the kidlets adore cafe con leche.  After nearly 8 years of pregnancy and/or breastfeeding, we usually do decaf, but especially if I am exhausted.  I tried doing the real thing when I needed an extra boost, but found that at best, it just made me shaky, and at worst, triggered a migraine.  One cup is my limit now. 

3.  Pray.  Without ceasing.  Even on good days, I need God's presence.  How much more do I need to rely on His strength when at my weakest!  Recognize your own signals when you start to feel overwhelmed, and use that as a trigger to pray, meditate, breathe and re-center.  This works better as a daily habit, because when you are already at the edge, trying to remember anything, including your child's name, is difficult.  We tend to go into autopilot mode, so build a good program into your daily life. 

4.  Adjust your expectations.  For everyone and everything.  If that means more screen time for the kids than you normally allow and that the floors don't get cleaned, so be it.  Your physical, mental and emotional energy is limited.  Don't waste any of it on non-essentials.

Image by ericmcgregor on Flickr

5.  Connect, connect, connect.  Pour the little energy that you do have into your key relationships.  Their emotional support is critical.  Love on your partner.  Love on your kids.  I know how desperate you may feel to have time for yourself.  Really.  But if you start pulling against each other, it just depletes you even more.  So regardless of how tired you feel, try to keep your little ones' love cups filled.  They are much more likely to give you a break and go play on their own if their need for attention is met first.

6.  Change your environment.  Sometimes, going some place different helps reset everyone.  On the other hand, you may need a day to veg at home.  For us, going out usually works better.  Sunshine is a must for me on those days, and if the kids can burn off energy and make noise outside it is less likely to induce a headache. If you do decide to go out, remember number 4.  Expect it to take however long to get everyone ready and out the door as it takes.  Be as flexible as you need to be.

7.  Eat well.  I admit, my four favorite food groups are chocolate, cheese, salsa and anything fried, (washed down by plenty of coffee, naturally).    When I am exhausted, I crave junk and have no willpower.  However, I know that my body needs extra fuel and that a sugar crash will just make things worse.  Treat yourself to a good green smoothie, a yummy salad and plenty of protein.

8.  Take advantage of the brief, fleeting seconds you get to relax.  Ideally, you could arrange a couple of hours for a nap.  Realistically, that might not be an option.  Take every opportunity to breathe deeply.  If you are sitting down, rub your own neck, hand or foot (unless you can get someone else to do it for you).  Squeeze pressure points.  Sniff an essential oil that brightens your mood.  Drink a cup of herbal tea.  Even a moment can make you feel better.  And if that translates into locking yourself in the bathroom, humming loudly with your fingers in your ears and eating chocolate, well, that is OK, too.

9.  Call for help.  If there is someone you trust who can take over for you, call and ask for help.  Even if you can't get away completely, there may be a teen who can come and keep an eye on the kids while you nap, or hold the baby while you fix lunch, or whatever.  Just having someone to share part of the load can be a lifesaver.

10.  Music.  Blast your favorite songs.  Or, if that would bring on a killer headache, play something soothing.  Turn on some nature sounds (I like Dan Gibson on Pandora), let the kids make their own tent in the living room and pretend that they are camping.  With luck they might even take a nap.  (Not likely, but sometimes a healthy dose of denial and/or fantasy is necessary on days like this).

These days (and nights) are part of parenting, of course.  But if you find that it is a chronic problem, then you need some long-term solutions.  Rethink your evening routines or sleeping arrangements, or scale other things back until they are manageable.  It isn't healthy for you or your kids for you to be short on sleep most of the time.  But for the inevitable times, breathe deeply and remind yourself that this, too, shall pass.