Perspective

Being Strong Willed is a Good Thing

For all my strong willed friends who now have strong willed children. Certainly, it is important to develop a sense of timing, respect and courtesy to others, and to know how to best direct their energies. But how will they get the practice of persistence if not with us? Where will they learn how to channel determination if not in our home?

 

If our children are never allowed to practice persistence with us, how will they learn appropriate ways to stand firm?

Is Spanking Abuse?

Often, when I discuss spanking with other people, they want to point out worse examples.  A parent beating their child until the bones are broken?  THAT is abuse.  If a husband broke his wife's ribs, that would be abuse, too.  But that doesn't mean that hitting her is OK, simply because the long term damage to her body is less.  However, I think that the focus in that kind of argument is looking the wrong way.  I want to look at the best I can do, not the worst I can do without it crossing the line (which is always changing according to different times and cultures).

Opening Up the GD Toolbox: Connection

I miss the obvious things so often.  I know, know how very important connection is.  I have recited the "connect before you correct" mantra hundreds of times to myself.  But in the moment?  I am more likely to get swamped by my own desire to just get my way.  

The thing is, the connection IS the goal.

I had a great reminder of this yesterday.  My seven year old has been having a lot of conflict with his younger sister. We've tried talking about it, telling him what to do, and have at times been less than graceful and yelled.  But yesterday, I did something different.  

I described every time I could remember being frustrated with my own little sister when I was his age, and how terribly unfair it seemed to me that she would provoke me until I retaliated and then got in trouble. I gave every detail I could remember of our squabbles.  He listened and became more and more engaged. I could see him biting his lips to hold in a chuckle as I recounted my exasperation and some of the vengeance I had taken.

My first inclination was to moralize and say what I should have done.  It took every ounce of self control that I have not to turn it into a sermon.  And I am so glad that I didn't.  He began to thoughtfully offer suggestions to avoid conflict.  I countered with things that she might have done to continue annoying me. He dug right into the challenge and brainstormed creative ways to handle it peacefully. Then he hugged me tight and told me he loved me. 

 

I could see the tension leave him as he began to believe that I really, truly understood his side of it.  That I didn't think he was bad.  And once all that was out of the way, it gave him the freedom to stop defending himself (even if I didn't think he had been attacked, he had been attacking himself with condemnation and frustration, so much that even a mild reproof just reinforced his need to defend himself). 

 

Has this magically solved all sibling issues? Well, it is early, but I suspect it will be a process. Even so, we connected and he thought about it far more constructively than our previous attempts without that connection.

I am also learning that at different stages, some of my kidlets spring a leak in their love cups.  While any good parent will try to make sure that their children feel loved, some times (and some kids) need extra deposits.  Find out what their love languages are and make sure that their connection tank isn't running low.

Nonviolent Communication has some in depth, practical tips on exactly how to connect with someone, and the book is definitely worth reading!   But the basics are simple.  Stop.  Breathe in grace, breathe out anger, fear and frustration.  Connect with your child's eyes (if you look, really look, long enough at someone's eyes in love, beautiful things happen).  Listen.  To their words and the feelings behind them.  If you need to clarify what they are feeling, do it without accusing.  Show them that you understand what they are feeling.  (And when that "But" of what they should have done instead pops up, keep quiet on it for a bit.  There is certainly a place for correction, but this is not it.  Wait.  Show love.  Give them a moment for healing.  It may just surprise you what will happen next.

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Image credit goaliej54 on Flickr

Moving away from punitive parenting requires a brand new set of tools.  Let's open it up together! For the rest of the series, click here.  And if gentle discipline is revealing areas where you need to work on yourself, see if any of these personal tools resonate with you.

Looking for more practical tips?  Check out my favorite post from the Hippie Housewife on The Hows of Discipline (and read through all the comments!),  Pearl in Oyster's 52 Tool Cards series and Aha! Parenting's blog.  Do you need inspiration and a reminder of why and how to do this?  Read Emerging Mummy's Practices of Mothering and Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond.  If you have other great resources or ideas, please add them in the comments.

When your child is pressing your buttons...

Entitlements

Space and Place

I believe that young people need to have space and place made for them...

They need to be shown their strengths and abilities by an adult who gives them opportunities to utilize those strengths and abilities.
They need to have space to make mistakes and fail without condemnation but gentle guidance which never shames.
They need to have the space to say they want a hug or don't want a hug (or snuggles, cuddles, what have you), but realize the offer is always on the table.
They need to have a place where they know they can expect the affirmation and love and affection they need to keep going, especially when they are questioning themselves.
They need to have the space to be over the top excited and completely inside themselves.
They need a place where they can be as strong or as weak as they need to be in that moment, a place where they can just be.
They need space where their boundaries are respected, not because of their sexuality or based on it, but because they are human.
They need a place where they see boundaries being stated, enforced and lived.
They need space to have their big feelings.
They need a place where their changing bodies, emotions, and hormones won't freak someone out, where they won't be treated differently.

Because our society is so out of balance:
Boys should be treated with extra tenderness and affection (extra being "more than society might prescribe"). We want them to have a deep well to draw from when they interact with others as they grow and as adults.
Girls and boys should be corrected gently so they understand that corrections aren't an assessment or condemnation of their character, but an understanding that as imperfect humans we are bound to be corrected and it is a help to us.
Girls need to be given an extra voice (extra being "more than our society might prescribe") with clear examples in boundaries and expectations. We want them to have the skills they need to be strong people where they are often assumed weak.

Another thing, I believe that affectionate (including, but not limited to hugs, kisses, pats, tickles, back rubs, sitting close with bodies touching....) behaviour should be a way of life. Always, they should have the freedom to step back or express their discomfort, but I think always they should expect that they "will receive" warmth and closeness when it comes to physical affection.

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Wise words from a lovely friend of mine. 

Opportunity

"Defiance" is a Prelude to Real Obedience

The Discipline of the Lord ~ Hebrews 12

Gentle discipline is more than just not spanking.  It is a whole mindset, a lifestyle.  But when we have grown up with punitive parenting, it tends to influence the way we see everything, including the Bible.  Most Christians in the US take it for granted that the Bible commands us to spank our kids, even though the only verses that would seem to back that up are Proverbs, which are proverbs--wise sayings--not part of the law.  A closer examination of the original language makes it clear that those verses have nothing in common with "spanking the right way", but if your mind has become accustomed to seeing punishment and wrath in God's actions towards His people, that becomes the lens through which the entire Bible is read.

Image credit: Alexander Smolianitski on Flickr

Hebrews 12 is often quoted as a New Testament passage that condones punishment (beating even, according to some).  As nearly as I can tell, it all goes back to the KJV.  Apparently, the translators after the King James Version actually added in the word "scourges" to the Septuagint.  It doesn't appear in earlier manuscripts, and in Aramaic it reads simply that God disciplines us.  I agree wholeheartedly that God does discipline His children. 

Let's take a closer look at the whole passage:

"Consequently, we also, since we're surrounded by such a big cloud of witnesses, must get rid of every arrow tip and the sin which easily stands around us.  We  must run the race that surrounds us by using endurance.  We must fix our eyes on Jesus, the originator and completer of our faith.  Instead of the happiness set in front of him, he chose to undergo the cross, thinking nothing of the shame.  He has taken his seat at the right side of God's throne.  So think about Jesus who underwent such opposition from sinners so that you won't become worn down and fall apart in your lives.  You haven't come to the point of bloodshed yet in opposing sin, fighting against it.  And have you completely forgotten the encouragement which addresses you as his children:  "My child, don't make light of the Lord's education.  Don't fall apart when you are put under scrutiny by him.  Because the Lord educates the one he loves and he uses the rod on everyone he welcomes as a child."
Because you undergo education, God treats you like his children--what child is there that a parent doesn't educate?  But if you go without education--which everyone is a business partner with!--then you're illegitimate and you're not children!  Then again we have human parents who educate us and we listen to them.  Surely we should follow the Father of our spirits and live!  For on the one hand our parents educated us for a short time in the best way they could, but on the other hand he educates us for our benefit, so that we can share in his holiness.  Now on the one hand education doesn't seem like much fun at the time, as it's painful!  However, later on it produces a harvest of peace and righteousness by those who have been trained in it!" ~ Hebrews 12:1-11 The Source New Testament

This passage isn't about punishment!  It is meant to encourage believers, not scold them.  I love that discipline is translated correctly here as education--teaching.  Not punishment.  The notes for verse 2 make clear that the word elegkho "to put under scrutiny" is very different in meaning from peirazo, which would mean to "put to the test (by an enemy/with hostile intent)".  Read the whole context there.  This passage is not a warning that God will hurt you if you mess up.  It is encouragement that even the difficult things in our lives can be used by God to teach us and train us.  That is true discipline. This also fits with the Hebrews 5:8.  The discipline that Jesus received was not about punishment, but about listening to His Father and encouragement in suffering. (And the reference to the rod in verse 6 would have been understood by the Hebrews as referring to guidance and discipline, and the constant presence of God in our lives--truly something where we can joyfully say, "Your rod and staff comfort me!").   

God certainly disciplines His children.  That does not mean that He hurts us so that we will modify our behavior.  It means that He teaches us.  And He redeems everything.  Even the ugly, even the painful, even the parts that bring suffering (whether caused by our own choices or simply because we live in a fallen world).  We are living Nazca lines, and He is encouraging us that no matter how evil something appears to be, that if we submit to Him and listen to His song over us, it can be transformed for our good and for His glory.