A Sip of Comfort

Continuing in the whole "write what you know" theme, today's post should be about sleep deprivation, because I am exhausted.  The baby seems to have picked up whatever bug the older ones got and was running a fever all night the last two nights.  As long as she was nursing, she was quiet, but if at any point during the night she lost her latch, she screamed.  I held her all night, snatching sleep in five minute increments here and there.  One or two nights like this isn't a big deal, but when they pile up on top of each other, I start getting loopy.  Despite that, though, I was deeply grateful, because I was doing something constructive to help us both feel better.

I hate it when my little ones get sick.  Even though I know their immune systems are strong and can use a little workout from time to time, even when I am reasonably sure that it isn't serious, even when it is short-lived, even though I have faith in the Creator of their precious little bodies,  I still hate it.  I hate for them to feel awful.  And I hate to feel helpless.  I want so much to do something, anything.  I want to be in control.  I hate feeling inadequate.

Last night, I thought for the zillionth time (more or less--too tired to count with any degree of accuracy ;)) how incredibly grateful I am that I can nurse my babies and comfort them.  Being aware that she was getting lots of antibodies and that she felt better because she was nursing was such a relief.  I've read enough about the problems with giving babies Tylenol, etc, that I don't even have any, and I've read enough about the benefits of fever to let it go most of the time.  Breastmilk has only positive side effects, there is never any fear of overdosing, and it doesn't require any special preparation or much effort (have you tried to force medicine into a tightly clamped mouth?).

As she slept nestled next to my breast, I could feel her temperature (and did you know that mothers' breasts automatically adjust to keep babies where they should be, getting warmer or cooler in response to them?  We are their own little climate control!).  I could feel her body relax against mine as she nursed.  I smelled the sweet scent of her head and breathed in peace.  We snuggled close and both began to feel better.  She dug her toes into my side, but I didn't mind a bit.

I've heard some ridiculous warnings against comfort-nursing, and even comforting in general.  Because, you know, they might learn to depend on us.  And think how dreadful it would be if a helpless baby depended on us!  Or how terrible for any person to look to the ones they love most for comfort when they were distressed.  Um, yeah.  Whatever.  I consider myself a healthily independent adult, and still appreciate having my loved ones respond to me. 

There is information at www.kellymom.com,  www.kathydettwyler.org , as well as other places on comfort nursing, but I don't really need it.  I am thankful that there is something I can do to comfort her, not just when she is sick, but any time she needs me.  This quote pretty much sums it up:

"You are not a pacifier; you are a Mom. You are the sun, the moon, the earth, you are liquid love, you are warmth, you are security, you are comfort in the very deepest aspect of the meaning of comfort.... but you are not a pacifier!" -- Paula Yount

My Parenting Bookshelf--the Development Books

Honestly, I think that parental frustration could be reduced by at least 80% if more parents understood infant and child development. Especially if you have been exposed to the toxic blather about infant manipulation and other adversarial warnings, I would encourage you to spend some time reading. It really shows up the absurdity behind the writings of Ezzo and others who have no basis in reality.

I think we all want to be reassured that our child is on target. Even if it is a behavior that we don't like or enjoy, knowing that it is normal for that age helps us to put it into perspective. If we can understand why they are acting the way they do, it is much easier to ride out the tough times or to find better solutions.

The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderlund. This just might be my new favorite. Current and detailed, it provides a wealth of information about infant development, including topics such as breastfeeding, sleep, crying, separation and more. Unlike a lot of books that are primarily the author's opinion, this one is a presentation of research and neuroscience. I love the brain scans! This is easily one of the best parenting books you could ever read.

The Baby Book by Sears. I love this book. It was the first source to encourage me to follow my instincts and parent the way my heart was telling me. It is such a complete book--development, attachment parenting info, medical advice, etc. Still one of my go-to books.

Your Baby and Child: Birth to Age Five by Penelope Leach. Excellent. I loved the fact that this one went all the way to age 5, and found that the info on cognitive development was very helpful. If the tone of the Sears books is a little too sugary for you, this book might appeal a little more.

Your One Year Old, Your Two Year Old, Your Three Year Old, etc. by Ames and Ilg. Having an entire book devoted to each year means a wealth of detail. These books have been tremendously helpful with explanations of typical behavior and development, equilibrium/disequilibrium, and more. While I had studied a lot in the 0-5 range, I had not seen nearly as much material for ages 6 and up. Your Six Year Old was the most scarily accurate of any book I have ever read. It definitely helped save my sanity. While I appreciate the development side tremendously, I strongly disagree with much of the discipline advice in this series, which is often simply to have someone else take care of the child. The valuable info far outweighs the rest, though.

There are several other books I have read, many dealing more with psychological and cognitive development of older kids, that I will try to come back and add. Some of what people assume is common sense when it comes to children is actually common nonsense because so many lack understanding of how and when children reach certain milestones and develop life skills. Just as in other areas, knowing truth sets us free--free to enjoy, to be at peace, to trust and to teach, to genuinely like our children more and to see each phase in perspective and get the most out of it.

It's Hard Some Days

Last night, our youngest woke up every. half. hour. (sometimes even more frequently, never less) between 11PM and 7AM. I don't know if it was gas, teething, a growth spurt or something else, but she has been perfectly happy all morning. I, on the other hand, need a coffee IV.

The house needs to be cleaned, and I have no desire or energy whatsoever to do anything. (But in honesty, that would be true even with a full night's sleep).

Ariana and Joel were playing normally and happily and I snapped at them to be quiet.

Elena has asked to nurse a dozen times this morning already and I've told her no every time.

I want to crawl back in bed, but know it wouldn't work, and the effort and disappointment of trying to manage it is more than I can deal with right now.

I wrote about one of our fairly normal days in this post, and some of the things that I do. My post on riding it out has a few of my coping techniques.

It is hard to be balanced. It is hard to be honest, even with ourselves. It is hard to parent. It is hard to discipline ourselves. And I don't always know where the lines are. What is the line between complaining and honesty? What is the line between healthy boundaries and self-centeredness? What is the line between choosing to practice what I preach and giving myself grace? I am not sure.

Recently a friend said that I make parenting four kidlets sound too easy. That I should have warned her more about difficulties with breastfeeding, lack of sleep, etc. She may have had a point. At the same time, I really, truly believe that the rewards are more than worth it. I experience them most of the time. Most of our days are filled with joy. Most of our nights result in adequate sleep. But not always.

(Now isn't this worth a sleepless night? <3)

I believe that natural birth, even thought it hurts, is better for the baby and the mom.

I believe that babies should nurse whenever they are hungry, even during the night.

I believe that regardless of age, humans should be treated with kindness and respect.

I believe that the choices we are making now actually make life easier, not just in a distant future, but now, too.

I believe, I even know, but some days are just hard.

Pillow Talk

Some of you may have read a recent article about how fewer couples in the US are sleeping in the same bed. With the arrival of Amaya, we have joined that group. Our current arrangement breaks down along gender lines, with Carlos and Joel sharing his room and all of us girls in our bed. To be honest, I miss having the guys in with us, but Carlos is getting more sleep since Joel doesn't wake up during the night.

Before, our nighttime routine involved me nursing/cuddling the youngest to sleep while Carlos told superhero stories to the others. Sadly, I no longer get to hear the adventures of Ipis and Upis as they valiantly help Spidey and Spongebob defeat the evil Whipped Cream Bandit at the Goofy Goober. The cool part is that Ariana has taken up the torch and is now making up stories for me. :)

As a child, my mom would tell me stories. Later, my sister and I made up stories for each other. That continued well into my teens, and some of my favorite memories are of staying up all night with my sister sharing stories. I still make up stories for the kidlets, but it is much more entertaining to hear the stories that they come up with! The only problem is that I get too sleepy. Yeah, somehow we have got it a bit backward--the kids are staying awake and I'm conking out. I think we need to move our bedtime up a bit so that I don't fall asleep during the stories. :D

A mother's Psalm

Photo by YanivG

Psalm 134

Behold, bless the LORD, all servants of the LORD,

Who serve by night in the house of the LORD!

Lift up your hands to the sanctuary

And bless the LORD.

May the LORD bless you from Zion,

He who made heaven and earth.

There is something special about your service to Him and your family at night.

Sleep in Heavenly Peace

Some questions from a mom-to-be today reminded me again how much I enjoy our family bed. It is kind of funny, because I believed at first that mom and dad should have their own room, and while it was fine for newborns to share it (the room, never the bed!) in the early days, it wasn't a habit you wanted to start. Then Ariana was born.

She slept in a bassinet next to us, and I soon learned that if I wanted to sleep, the easiest way was to respond as soon as possible to her cries, before they even turned into cries, if possible. That way we both went peacefully back to sleep once she finished nursing. Once or twice I gave into the pressure to "let her fuss" a minute. Ha! Within seconds, she went from whimper to full-blown scream. I'd pick her up as soon as she started to really cry, and even so, it took her awhile to calm down. Then, because of the gulped air, she didn't nurse right, had to be burped more. We were both wide awake and grumpy.

Of course, like all new moms I know, I got the endless questions from everyone, even total strangers, if she was sleeping through the night, and advice to let her cry it out. It is funny, though. I'm in my thirties, and I don't sleep through the night every night. Sometimes I need to use the bathroom, sometimes I get hot or cold or thirsty. Sometimes I have a bad dream. Sometimes my mind just keeps going and won't turn off. And even at this age, I prefer to sleep with the people I love most.

As far as crying it out, that didn't make sense to me, either. I was told that as long as she was fed and had a dry diaper, it was perfectly fine to let her cry, because I had met her needs. Ummmm, so, emotional needs aren't real? I tried to imagine a friend calling me, crying, and me saying, "Listen, you ate just awhile ago, your clothes are clean. Don't bother me until morning." I wouldn't treat an adult friend that way, someone who was capable of communicating clearly and meeting her own physical needs. How could I justify doing it to a helpless infant who relied on me for everything? We actually learned later that Ariana had reflux. She wasn't spitting up, but she was still in pain from the acid. She just couldn't tell us.

As a Christian, I believe God's promise to never leave us or forsake us. The Bible is full of verses describing how God answers us when we cry out to Him. In Proverbs we are specifically warned against closing our ears to the cries of others. We are instructed to comfort others with the same comfort that we have received. It seemed clear to me that Jesus would comfort a baby.

But wait! They must learn to self-soothe, right? And they'll get used to it and never learn to sleep on their own, right? Balderdash. First of all, the American obsession with self-sufficiency in infants is both recent and often unhealthy. If you are really going to follow that, don't change diapers when they are dirty, either. The babe just needs to learn to hold it longer! You'll get her used to having a dry diaper! Let her sit in it, and eventually she'll stop fussing and learn to clean herself. (Of course, you could practice EC, but that is totally different).

The truth is, the baby probably will stop crying. Eventually, they learn that we won't respond to their cries. Is that really what we want to teach them? That we only care about them when it is convenient? Does God want us to be independent from Him, and not bother Him? When needs are met, babies grow, physically, emotionally, and in every other way. The baby won't always need to nurse at night (although if you were going to nearly triple your weight in a year and grow several feet taller, you might snack at night, too!). As for sleep associations, we look at it as teaching our children that bedtime is a cozy, peaceful time of rest, not a frightening or lonely time.

What happens when a baby is left to cry it out? Among other thing, their brains are flooded with cortisol, which can cause permanent damage (see the links at the end). Their heart rate and blood pressure show the stress they are under. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep, even as an adult? Your stomach aches and is knotted up, your throat hurts, your head throbs... If it is that miserable for you, how must it be for a baby that developmentally can't even understand concepts like object permanence and the idea that you will ever return?

Thankfully, we got enough solid information to counter all the advice to let our babies cry it out. Still, sleep deprivation is a serious thing, too. For us, the solution was just to bring Ariana into bed with us. It was Carlos' idea (yes, he is an amazing dad!). We did when she outgrew her bassinet, and the difference was remarkable. We slept so much better! Joel and Elena slept with us from the very beginning.

From a breastfeeding standpoint, it was great. It insured a strong milk supply (the hormones that govern milk production respond more at night). I would wake up seconds before she did, she'd latch on, and we'd both be back to sleep in moments.

I didn't worry about SIDS, knowing that research shows that my proximity helps protect my babies. I never came close to rolling on any of them. Just like you know where the edge of the bed is and don't roll off, I was always aware of where my babies were. There are basic precautions to bed-sharing that I would recommend, listed in the links, but when they are followed, I think it is much safer than having a baby in another room or crib. When one of them vomited in the night, I was so glad that I was near enough to be aware.

Ariana on her own chose to sleep in a bed of her own in our room before Elena was born. I expect that before long, she'll choose her own room, too. Although, honestly, if she doesn't, I won't mind. Some of the best times of our day are as we go to sleep. She opens up and shares things that we might not hear otherwise. Joelito makes us laugh and giggle together. It is one of our most connected times.

What about connecting with Carlos, you ask? Well, for me, not getting enough sleep sucks any romantic feelings away pretty quickly, so this actually helps in that department. Also, finding a variety of times and places just adds to the interest. We have learned to delight in spontaneity!

I know that different things work for different families. Some might get more rest in separate beds or even separate rooms, and I am in favor of everyone getting more rest. For us, that means sharing sleep and snuggles. :)

Here are some great links:
http://askdrsears.com/html/10/handout2.asp

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/T070100.asp

http://www.nd.edu/~jmckenn1/lab/

Sleeping like a baby

I'll save my feelings about sleep training and letting babies cry it out for another post, but last night as Elena was nursing to sleep, I noticed again how her peace reaches out and calms me. I was tired and had an allergy headache, but as she snuggled in my arms I let go of everything else. She smiled a couple of times, then made her little baby noises. A little milk dribbled out of the corner of her mouth as she instantly relaxed into sleep. I could smell her hair and feel her soft breath on my face. She was so content. And so was I.

The Bible is full of wonderful verses about sleep, but I especially love the imagery from Deuteronomy 33:12, 27 "...Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders...the eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms."

One of the most beautiful experiences we can have is falling asleep in the arms of our beloved. I am so glad that my wonderful husband had the foresight to get a king-sized bed. Waking up snuggled with our whole family and having the transition time between being asleep and awake full of cuddles and giggles is my favorite way to start and end our day.