Ride it out?

I love parenting most of the time. I have been very public about my ideals, including gentle, responsive parenting, child-led weaning, baby-wearing and cosleeping. I'm no martyr--most of the time I really enjoy those aspects of being a mom. The last few days, however, I've felt it creeping up on me: a growing sense of claustrophobia, a sensation of being touched-out.

My love language is touch, and it takes a lot to get me to think that it is too much. However, between wearing the baby, nursing three, and sleeping next to a couple of them, I could probably count on my fingers, with only a few toes, the number of minutes that no one else is making physical contact with me some days.

And while I expect to be up a lot in the night with a baby (who, funnily enough, has been sleeping 5 hours stretches since she was a couple of weeks old), our two year old has been trying to cope with some major disruptions in routine by nursing every hour and a half in the night. Our six year old is going through a very sensitive time where anything less than a whole-hearted embrace and showers of affection result in tears and sobs of not being loved as much as the babies. Last night when I gently but firmly told them both that I needed space there was great weeping.

I've been here before. While certainly not a place I enjoy, I've visited a few times in the last few years. I know that both their neediness and my discomfort are temporary. So, while I could choose to wean, or at least restrict nursing, and change our sleeping arrangements, etc, I am making the choice to ride it out. For one thing, even if I refused to let her nurse at night or to let them sleep with us, it wouldn't result in more sleep for any of us.

The real issues behind the insecurity--adjusting to a new baby, a new schedule, me working significantly more, and other things--are just things to ride out. In fact, adding a new change on top of them would likely just exacerbate the problem. But while gritting my teeth and going with the flow may work up to a point, I have some other tried and true strategies:

* Drinking lots of water. I learned when nursing while pregnant that hydration makes a huge difference!

* Seize the moment. There are so many things going on right now that my options are limited, but I plan to grab any moments I can for time alone. That includes savoring the fleeting moments in the night when all is quiet. It may also include locking myself in the bathroom with an iced coffee, a bar of chocolate and humming loudly with my fingers in my ears.

* Remember that it is my choice, and that it can be changed. Mentally acknowledging that I have the power to change this situation makes a difference. I am not a victim and I am not trapped. If it doesn't work, I can try something else.

* Grace. I give grace to my myself as well as my children. It is OK to feel irritated, angry, impatient or any other feeling. I won't live in that feeling--just let it go.

* Set boundaries when needed. Despite the tears, I didn't feel any guilt over telling the kids that I needed space. During the day, they can handle that calmly. The problem is that I am most likely to need that when we are all tired and less able to process things rationally.

* Remember. Remember how sweet they are and how quickly this goes by. Remember the times we have gone through this before and it passed.

* Get help. This is tacked on because it isn't always an option. Carlos is wonderful with the kids when he is home. (Of course, we are outnumbered two to one at this point...) I know that babysitters, MDO programs or other things are possibilities, too, but I don't feel it necessary for us right now.

For now, we'll just hold on tight to each other (perhaps a bit more literally than I would like) and know (and hope)that the ride will be over in a week or two.

My Ragamuffin Band

I have long been aware of my own fashion ineptitude, and most of the time I am comfortable with it. However, as we played in the park today, I realized that it might have negative effects on my children.

My policy has always been that as long as it is clean and safety/weather appropriate for the outing, the kids are free to choose their own outfits once they are old enough to express an opinion. As babies, I dress them in very cute, but more importantly very comfy clothing. 100% cotton with no scratchy stuff.

Both grandmas have lamented the fact that their granddaughters missed out on ultra-frilly dress and tights as babies, but Ariana helped make up for it by going through a ballerina-princess phase as a toddler. For over a year, she wore either a tutu or a princess dress 24/7. Her tastes have grown more sophisticated as she has gotten older, and though she isn't opposed to a splash of magenta and sparkles, her current preference is for a brown or dark green ensemble with brown leather shoes.

Joel has two criteria for clothing: comfort and Spidey. It is no coincidence that nearly every photo he is in since the age of two shows him wearing a Spiderman shirt. He is very picky about softness, though. Therefore, his favorite outfits are super-soft Spiderman jammies. He will also wear Spongebob, but Spidey is the clear favorite.

Elena is still a nudist at heart (she may or may not have removed all her clothing while inside the playground at McDonald's last week :shifty eyes:). If she *must* wear something, she prefers Joel's old clothes, because she loves soft, Spidey and blue. She even has matching Spiderman shoes.

If we are going to some place where dressing up is expected, I make sure that the kids are appropriately groomed and for the occasion. But, if they are going to the park or some place where I expect them to get dirty and messy, I don't care what they wear or if their hair is perfectly coiffed. A quick comb through, and we're good.

Apparently, though, I am in a minority. As we played at the park this afternoon, I realized that my kids were the only ones who didn't look like they could be posing for a photo shoot at the park. The ones around us looked like models for Baby Gap, with adorable, perfectly coordinated outfits. The girls had hair perfectly arranged with ribbons and bows. All were immaculate.

In contrast, my own little band of ragamuffins looked decidedly scruffy. Ariana is going through a phase of hair chewing, so it was messy. She was wearing a green and gray long shirt with a matching sash, and green pants of the same shade but a different pattern. She had realized after we arrived at the park that she didn't have her shoes, and so was wearing an old pair of pink and white tennies with no socks. Joel wore his favorite Spidey pajamas. Elena had purple paint in her hair from some creative endeavors that hadn't yet completely washed out, one of Joel's Spidey shirts and a pair of his shorts.

It occurred to me that my children might easily be judged by their appearance. While things like brand names are of no importance to me at all, I don't want to seem neglectful, and I certainly don't want my kidlets to be looked down upon because of my indifference to fashion or my hopelessness at hairstyling.

On the plus side, they climbed trees, played in the sand for hours and had a glorious time, and I wasn't the least bit concerned about dirt or climbing mishaps messing up their clothes. Still, a little balance isn't a bad thing. This is an area I need to work on.

Mothers' Intuition

A few weeks ago I picked up a book on Intuitive Parenting. I haven't read the whole thing, but I have mixed feelings about it. It claims that we are connected to each other and can communicate through those connections non-verbally.

Aside from the book, I've learned over the years that my children and I are linked in ways that might surprise some people. I wake up a few seconds before my babies wake up in the night. I can often tell if they are having a nightmare or are sick or upset before they wake up, because "something" alerted me. Even though we don't schedule at all, if my baby begins to cry, my milk comes down, even though we are miles apart. I can't tell you the number of times I've been on my way home and feel my shirt get wet a minute before Carlos would call and tell me that the baby was fussing. Our bodies are that in synch with each other. Less conclusively, there have been several occasions where I would look at them in an uncomfortable position or irritating item of clothing and feel the sensation in my own body.

I've posted before about Ariana's sensitivity to others (Help! My daughter is a Betazoid!). Reading this book, a lot of things clicked about her reactions to certain situations and people.

I've always believed in the supernatural. I know without doubt that God speaks to us. In some situations, the idea of us speaking to each other doesn't seem too far fetched to me. In many cultures, the idea of a special connection between loved ones that allows them to communicate on an unseen level is commonplace. Whether you call it psychic communication, telepathy or whatever, there is actually growing evidence that energy fields in our body can communicate with other bodies. It is pretty cool.

Because I believe that evil exists, too, I want to be careful and not open myself up to every spirit that is out there. Yet, as a Christian, I believe that the Holy Spirit is inside of us and can give us knowledge that bypasses normal channels, so to speak.

It is an interesting topic.

Showers of Blessings. And pecan shells.

Today was such a perfect day! After several days of hellacious heat, we were all going stir-crazy. This morning was beautiful and comparatively cool (double-digits instead of triple-digits), so we jumped in the van and headed to the park.

As we walked along the shaded entry, it sounded like it was raining. I looked up into the trees thinking we were getting a shower. Instead, I saw tons of squirrels, and was pelted with bits of shells from the pecans they were munching on. I've never seen so many at once! Elena and I both thought it was pretty funny, and were giggling together.

Ariana went to conquer the monkey bars, Joelito started burying himself in the sand box, Elena jumped into her favorite swing, and Amaya snuggled down in my wrap and took a nap. While I pushed Elena, the lady next to me struck up a conversation. Living in the buckle of the Bible Belt, we come across a lot of people who are unbalanced spiritually (and probably mentally), but everything she said was so encouraging. It was really sweet, and I felt very encouraged after she left.

Ariana, who had been endeavoring for months to master the monkey bars, crossed several times without hesitation. She was so proud of herself for sticking with it and managing to do it! Despite blisters on her hands when we left, she wore a huge smile. She also spent a lot of time watching over Elena as she explored.

Elena is usually the most intrepid of our little crew, but she kept stopping herself and saying, "Be careful! Don't fall!" today. I wasn't sure whether I should be pleased that she had internalized the idea or to regret saying it so often that she didn't have the confidence in herself to go ahead. Sigh--I think a continual part of motherhood is questioning my balance!

Joelito climbed unhesitatingly to the top of every structure in sight. A couple of times he wasn't sure how to get back down, but he made it successfully. All three stayed within the area I had told them to be in, played nicely with the other kids there, and left without complaining when it was time to go. I hear so frequently that children who are not spanked (let alone not punished!) are brats who terrorize everyone around them. I usually hesitate to use my own kids as examples, because there are certainly times when their behavior is not what it should be (generally because *my* behavior hasn't been what it should). However, the truth is that most of the time they are delightful, considerate, respectful and helpful kids. I really love being with them and taking them places because they keep it fun for everyone.

Once it got a bit too warm for comfort, we left the park and visited my beloved nephew and in laws. I am incredibly blessed in having a sister in law whom I would choose for a friend any day. She is an amazing mom and person in every way! We stopped for Mexican limonadas on the way home. There are always things that we might like to change, or times of stress and difficulty, but on days like today I feel like I've been soaking in showers of blessings. And pecan shells (I think I still have a few bits in my hair!).

Pillow Talk

Some of you may have read a recent article about how fewer couples in the US are sleeping in the same bed. With the arrival of Amaya, we have joined that group. Our current arrangement breaks down along gender lines, with Carlos and Joel sharing his room and all of us girls in our bed. To be honest, I miss having the guys in with us, but Carlos is getting more sleep since Joel doesn't wake up during the night.

Before, our nighttime routine involved me nursing/cuddling the youngest to sleep while Carlos told superhero stories to the others. Sadly, I no longer get to hear the adventures of Ipis and Upis as they valiantly help Spidey and Spongebob defeat the evil Whipped Cream Bandit at the Goofy Goober. The cool part is that Ariana has taken up the torch and is now making up stories for me. :)

As a child, my mom would tell me stories. Later, my sister and I made up stories for each other. That continued well into my teens, and some of my favorite memories are of staying up all night with my sister sharing stories. I still make up stories for the kidlets, but it is much more entertaining to hear the stories that they come up with! The only problem is that I get too sleepy. Yeah, somehow we have got it a bit backward--the kids are staying awake and I'm conking out. I think we need to move our bedtime up a bit so that I don't fall asleep during the stories. :D

Bigger is...better?

Or at least, not bad. I should give a disclaimer, I suppose. I am not a medical professional. Still, after the recent birth of our beautiful daughter, who happened to weigh 9 pounds and 6 ounces, I've been rethinking our view of appropriate sizes for babies in this culture, and I am wondering if perhaps it is just that: cultural.

The OB who assisted my midwife made several comments about potential size, which in retrospect were probably leading up to a warning about her being too big to be born vaginally. At the time, however, I was too focused on giving birth to read anything into it. She is our fourth, and in my experience, subsequent babies tend to be larger. She had measured on target, and I didn't have GD, so I wasn't going to waste energy worrying. Also, I had read so many accounts of home births where healthy babies were born weighing nine or ten pounds or more that I didn't see a large baby as being a problem.

Our society expects babies to weight around seven pounds. Of course, a couple of generations ago, we expected them to be around six pounds. I think there were a lot of things that influenced that: many women were still smoking and drinking during pregnancy, and they were limiting total weight gain to 15 pounds or so during pregnancy. The mothers themselves were smaller, not just in weight but also in height.

Now there are still many women who restrict their weight gain in pregnancy, not by following healthy diets, but by limiting food intake. The high number of false positives in standard glucose testing causes many women to go on diets in pregnancy, and there are still plenty of OBs out there who warn women against gaining much weight or who automatically schedule C-sections based on their best guess of the baby's size. Add to this the fact that most hospital births take place with the woman flat on her back, which causes her pelvic opening to be 30% smaller than in other positions, which likely contributes to the myths about women being unable to deliver larger babies.

In reading numerous accounts of homebirths where women followed healthy eating guidelines, but didn't otherwise restrict their caloric intake, and gave birth in whatever position they wished (almost never on their backs), I have been struck by the significant number of babies that were well over nine pounds. They were healthy babies, their mothers did not have diabetes, they were birthed naturally without complications, but they were generally larger than babies born under standard OB care.

What if that is actually normal, perhaps even optimal? What if smaller babies are more a result of our attempts to restrict birth weight rather than a reflection of what is most healthy for the babies and mothers? Anecdotally, I can say that the larger babies I've known of (including my own) tend to be more content, sleep better, are healthier and are easier babies than those who are born smaller.

It would be very interesting to see research comparing both models of pregnancy care, birth weights and outcomes.

FAs, PB&J, and BK

While I've been enjoying the fabulous cuisine in Puerto Rico (a very close second to Mexican food, which is also the food of Heaven), it has presented an interesting dilemma to a mom of food-allergic kids.

We first became aware of Ariana's food allergies about four years ago. Her reactions included hives, incontinence, eczema and behavioral symptoms. Once we eliminated her allergens, her skin cleared, she was diaper-free day and night, and her behavior went back to the calm little girl we knew was inside. I often wonder how many kids struggle with allergies that cause problems in toilet learning or behavior that the parents don't recognize--I wasn't familiar with those symptoms before.

The first year we were eliminating wheat, dairy, corn, eggs, peanuts, green beans, olives, and possibly some others that I've forgotten. Since she was breastfeeding, I had to avoid all her allergens, too. Later, she passed some food challenges, but Joel started breaking out in hives. He tested positive to black beans, pork, corn, and dairy. While hives are never fun, the only one who has ever gone to the hospital for a reaction is Elena, who is allergic to eggs, rice, cinnamon, berries and black beans.

We try to eat what we want as much as possible. I can make allergen-free versions of just about everything, especially desserts. The kids cook all the time and are very aware of what they can and cannot eat, and watch out carefully for Elena. Thankfully, many of the foods that they couldn't eat before are now safe for them. Right now, we only have to avoid Elena's allergens, as well as black beans for Joel, and eggs, green beans and olives for Ariana.

While we aren't as healthy as I would like to be, cooking from scratch and constant label reading has helped. We still do some fast food, etc. as well as some convenience foods. At the same time, the kids don't even bother to ask for things like turquoise cereal or yogurt, because "it has too many chemicals and weird things in there". And though we don't strictly avoid peanuts, with all the other allergy issues I have been reluctant to have them a regular part of our diet.

However, the first several days in Puerto Rico, Ariana was having horrible breakouts of eczema. It was the worst I had ever seen her. Puerto Rico uses olive oil in everything--one restaurant we went to told us that they didn't have a single thing that didn't contain EVOO. Usually, oils aren't as allergenic, but EVOO is. And because it isn't always obvious which foods contain, we have had to resort to fast food every day for her. I don't like a constant diet of BK or McD's, but at least they don't contain olive oil.

The hotel breakfasts were almost entirely egg-based, and it has been difficult for her to get any protein. Some days our excursions have meant that we have incredibly active mornings, and she really needed something substantial. So she has been eating PB&J every morning now. Elena and I have also done this many days. Even though Ariana's skin is clearing up, I still feel as if I am doing something forbidden.

So, our food world has turned upside down--we are deliberately seeking out junk food and PB. At least no one is reacting now.

Aventuras Boricuas

We have been having such an awesome time in Puerto Rico! I admit, I was a bit apprehensive about taking a ten day old baby on a trip out of the country, but the idea of staying home with all four kidlets *without* Carlos was far more frightening. It has worked out so much better than I anticipated!

Amaya is thriving. She is wearing all 6 month clothing, size 2 diapers, and is bigger than a two-month-old here at the hotel! Her cheeks are fully inflated again. :D Amazingly, she is sleeping through the night! The other kids didn't do that for months (or years). I'm getting more sleep than I did before she was born!

I remember sharing with Heather during labor a comment I had heard about giving birth naturally along the lines that birth without meds got the pain out of the way before the baby was there and that birth with meds was less painful during labor, but had a longer and more painful recovery. That has certainly been my experience. I've felt great, even on our very active days. Today I carried Elena up and down the streets of Old San Juan without a second thought. To be sure, she only weighs about ten pounds more than Amaya, but it was still cool.

Our days have been full of fabulous food, interesting excursions, swimming and relaxing. I've feasted on quesitos con guayaba (amazing pastries filled with cream cheese and guava), mallorcas from La Bombonera, mofongo and the incredibly decadent Cuatro Leches cake from Barrachina, all washed down with Puertorrican coffee. We went to the Yunque and the kidlets hiked the rainforest and played in the waterfall. We've explored El Morro, a fortresss from Colonial times, and shopped in the largest mall in the Caribbean. The kids have drunk fresh coconuts from the beach and been all over the cobblestone streets of Old San Juan. They have made friends with the wonderful students who joined us this year and Ariana woke up one morning eager to tell me about "the best dream ever" with all of her new friends. :)

Thankfully, we've never had to deal with the sibling rivalry scenario where the older child is mean to the baby. Still, I could tell that Elena was feeling a little lost the first few days after Amaya was born. She would start crying for no apparent reason. So I held her close and began singing her favorite little baby song from Yo Gabba Gabba, and she just burst into tears and held me as tightly as she could. It was so clear that she needed to still be our baby, too. Having Carlos give her lots of undivided attention (or hold the baby while I do) has been wonderful. She has been in a good mood pretty much the whole trip!

The weather has been about fifteen degrees cooler than home, which is really nice. It has rained nearly every day, but we love rain so that hasn't been a disappointment. We've had enough sunshine to enjoy the beach. :) Another nice surprise is that we get to go to Ponce, an excursion that we hadn't originally planned. We have family there and are excited about getting to see them.

I had expected this trip to be a lot more stressful, but it is very nice to be wrong!

Catching up

I know I have slacked off the blogging recently. Things are really good, but really, REALLY busy. I'm teaching seven hours a day. The new baby is due in three weeks. It is hard to be away from the kidlets so much, especially since by the time I get home I am too tired to do much with them. I can tell that they are feeling it, too, but we are all coping OK.

My birth kit arrived yesterday, and I am getting really excited! Aside from the birth supplies, I have stocked up on Señorial (a sangria softdrink from Mexico), I've got all the ingredients on hand for a chocolate layer cake with cheesecake filling to be made during early labor, and have been talking with the kids about what to expect. I don't know how much, if any, of the labor they will be around for, but they've seen several birth videos and I've given them examples of the kinds of noises I might make. I was doing some low moaning-type vocalizations and they burst out laughing and said it sounded like a cow mooing. :D It kind of did.

It will come as no surprise to most of you that I have always heard voices and seen things. ;) For the last several weeks, I keep getting pictures in my head of us standing in the middle of a tornado. Everything around us is whirling chaotically, but there is perfect calm inside the spot in the middle where we are. It has been true. Despite everything going on right now, I've felt so much peace. It definitely hasn't come from me, and I am so, so grateful for it. We've been able to happily ride the storm.

We still have a long ways to go. I have three more weeks of class (I keep telling my students that the baby can come as soon as we turn in final grades), then in the middle of July we are planning to head to Puerto Rico for a few weeks. Yeah, I know. The timing is less than ideal. However, when Elena was born, because of passport laws she was too little to go to Mexico so the kids and I stayed here while Carlos went. Based on that experience, I am convinced that it would actually be much easier to take a newborn on a trip like that than try to be here with all four little ones without Carlos.

Still haven't picked out a girl name. I believe that names are extremely important--throughout the Bible, they showed a special significance in people's lives. I keep waiting for the right one to jump out, and it hasn't. At least not for a girl. We agreed a few days after the pregnancy test on a boy name. The ultrasound showed a girl, though... We'll see what happens!

Math is for girls

I adored biology, but didn't enjoy studying math or chemistry much. Apparently, my daughters are headed in a different direction, though. In the car yesterday, Ariana (6 years old) had a very happy conversation about negative numbers, the value of zero, chemical compounds, bacteria and viruses. Afterward, she told me that pathogenic microbiology might be interesting, but she loved math, and when she got older she really wanted to work in a laboratory with lots of chemicals. Then she told me in a frustrated tone that she couldn't decide which would be better--math or chemistry. I replied that she could study both, and that a good chemist also needed a strong foundation in mathematics. Her whole face lit up with pleasure at the thought!

Elena (not quite two) is also becoming interested in the meaning of numbers. Yesterday she asked for a piece of chocolate. Knowing that recently she has been requesting two of everything (one for each hand), I told her that she may have *one* piece of chocolate. Her face grew very intent as she caught my emphasis. Elena has never been one to hold back from boldly pursuing what she wants. After a moments of thought, she said, "Four? Five?" then paused, grinned confidently and shouted, "Thirteen!" (Despite my desire to encourage her, she only got one. We'll practice thirteen with grapes, peas, or pieces of cereal.) :)