How to Be a Storyteller Extraordinaire

Throughout history, storytellers have been recognized as guardians (and perhaps inventors) of history, verbal artists who capture our imaginations and allow us to explore new worlds and remember past ones.  Many of my happiest memories of childhood were of listening to my mother weave new stories.  We would all get so carried away that what was meant to be a short little bedtime tale to help us fall asleep often grew into an epic adventure that had our imaginations dreaming awake long after we went to bed.

I love sharing stories with my little ones, and listening to the hilarious tales that they come up with.  Stories are not just for bedtime, you know.  They are a perfect way to handle rainy afternoons, waiting in line, discipline issues and more.  I am tremendously thankful for the rich heritage I have in storytellers.  I want to share with you some of the things that they have taught me.  You can be a storyteller extraordinaire!

1. Set the stage.  Pick a stormy afternoon, and create a pillow pile or a fort or another cozy place with plenty of blankets and pillows.  Drink hot chocolate from thermoses, eat nachos or popcorn or another yummy snack (this also gives you a brief second to occupy your mouth when your mind is frantically trying to think of what should come next in the story). 

2. Create the characters.  They can range from animals, to mythical creatures, to family members or your favorite TV characters and any combination you can imagine.  Our kidlets love stories featuring Spiderman, Spongebob, Ipis and Upis (a fish and a bird that Carlos made up) all saving the day together.  I like creating characters based on my kids using their middle names.  It is close enough that the kids relate to them and feel specially included, but not so exact that it limits the storyline.  Ariana noted several months ago that there really needed to be some sort of conflict in the story to make it interesting.  If you aren't into bad guys, make sure that there is a challenge of some type.

3. Plagiarize Plan the plot.   I think that the difficulty most of us have with story telling is coming up with new storylines on our feet over and over.  When I am especially tired, forming coherent sentences about anything is challenging, let alone trying to invent a whole new world of wonders.  These are some of my favorite tried- and-true kid-pleasers:

* Family history.  It is always more fun when you know the people in real life.  Share stories about their grandparents.  Tell about funny events from your childhood.  If your own childhood doesn't have too many happy memories, make up stories about what you wish it was like. Share stories about when you met their dad.  Wedding stories.  Birth stories.  Tell all about when they were babies. Bonus:  you can illustrate with pics!

Image credit: wertheim on Flickr

* Exotic locales.  I loved the old Disney movie, In Search of the Castaways, (based on the book by Jules Verne) because of the constant change of location.  It went from Europe to ships to the Andes to glaciers to jungles to deserts to living in a baobab tree to Maori islands and more.  Your story can go to any time (past, present, future) and anywhere (deserts, caves, oceans, islands, Mayan pyramids, jungles, outer space, African safaris...)

* Borrow from the classics.  Create your own version of Swiss Family Robinson, The Chornicles of Narnia, Dr. Doolittle, Tom Sawyer, Treasure Island, A Little Princess, Robin Hood, Little House on the Prairie, or any other story you loved as a child.

* Super adventures.  Give your characters super powers--flying, invisibility, teleportation, telepathy, x-ray vision, super strength, and all the Marvel/ DC comic stand-bys.  Like Alice, let them shrink or grow into giants.  

Image credit: mrtruffle on Flickr

* Be silly.  Any chance that you get to work in some goofiness is good, and never underestimate the power of food (swimming pools full of hot fudge or spaghetti sauce) and gross-out stuff (boogers, snot, poop, vomit, mud, slime) and gross-out food (stinky cheese, moldy meat, unlikely combinations such as liver-flavored bubble gum, and pickles [Joelito's most hated food]). 

4.  Invite collaboration.  If you ever get stuck, ask them what they think is going to happen next, and go with it.  Or take turns telling the story.  Keep in mind that the whole point is to have fun, not to write a serious novel.  Don't worry about plot derailments or anything that might mess up your story--just embrace the fun and nonsense.  (Yeah, I know that this shouldn't even need to be said, but I also know how perfectionist parents can get really into something and lose sight of what is important and try to control all the details). 

There is a reason why civilizations throughout the world honor those who share stories.  Whether they are based in fact or wild imagination, they are ways to knits hearts together in shared adventures and transmit Truth.  Find some time today to tell an extraordinary story with your children!

Not Disappointed--Tony Hillerman and GD

Image credit Taylor Burnes on Flickr

A WWII combat veteran with a Silver Star, a Bronze Star and a Purple Heart.  An incredibly successful author.  A respected university teacher.  A product of gentle discipline.  Really?

I have been a fan of mysteries ever since my sixth birthday when my beloved auntie gave me two Trixie Belden books.  One of my favorite authors is Tony Hillerman, who is well-known for his mystery series about Navajo Tribal Policemen Joe Leaphorn and Jim Chee.  Hillerman did a masterful job of weaving compelling stories with fascinating portrayals of Navajo culture.  His novels are fun and thought-provoking at the same time.  A few times I have caught myself wondering more about his views on peaceful living.  But I never would have imagined that he grew up in Oklahoma in the era that he did without spanking.  Until I read part of his autobiography, Seldom Disappointed.

In a time and place where true beatings were seen as acceptable discipline by most people, Tony Hillerman's parents took a radically different approach.  He describes what would happen when he or his siblings misbehaved.  His mother would take them into another room, so that there would be privacy, and talk to them individually.

But what if that didn't work?  Well, for very serious offenses or repeated misbehavior, his dad would also talk to him.  He would ask for an explanation of the behavior, and the reasons and thoughts behind it.  His dad would consider the responses carefully, and then explain again the family rules and the reasons behind them.

He describes one incident involving disobedience, a BB gun, and playing with matches that results in a fire (but no injury).  His father went through all the steps with him, and then came the sentencing.  He told Tony to go and get him a switch from a tree in their yard.  The switch was big enough to hurt, but not so large as to cause lasting damage.  However, upon further consideration, his father did not spank him.  Instead, he asked his son if he could remember and abide by the family rules without a spanking.  When Tony agreed, his father instructed him to go and help his mother.  He never laid a hand on him.

I often hear people assume that not spanking produces self-centered adults who cannot handle responsibility, who do not understand that their actions have consequences, and who are, in short, set up to be criminals and failures.  Looking at this man, whose actions as a soldier, as a teacher, as an author and more show just the opposite is very encouraging.

And while I read from a very wide variety of authors, it is always exciting to me to find authors who have beliefs that are similar to mine.  (As a quick aside, I am using my next Amazon splurge to purchase some books by Alison Strobel.  Everything I have heard about them says that they are marvelous stories, and I know from posting with her at GCM that her views on children will mesh well with mine and that she is someone whom I can support with a clear conscience, unlike the discomfort of reading, for example, Lori Wick).  And of course, I am a life-long fan of Astrid Lindgren (Pippi Longstocking), too!

Tony Hillerman's books are full of people who seek and practice hózhó--harmony, a way of beauty, peace and order.  Although his parents were not Navajo, I suspect that he learned much about that peace from them and their courageous choice to discipline him with gentleness and harmony.

Cinco más para el cinco de mayo--A Wordless Wednesday Switcheroo

OK, so yesterday I posted a Cinco de Mayo post, but I really wanted to share five more favorites.  Perhaps we can just pretend that this is Wednesday and switch the posts.  :)

Image credit khowaga1

 

Image credit Russ Bowling on Flickr

Image credit jabbusch on Flickr

Image credit aleiex on Flickr

Image credit Russ Bowling on Flickr

El cinco de mayo

El cinco de mayo es un día festivo muy importante para mí, porque yo nací en Puebla.  Además, es el cumpleaños de mi hermanita.  Ya no vivimos en México, pero espero volver en el futuro.  Claro que lo más importante es estar con familia y amigos.  Sin embargo, hay otras cosas que también me encantan de México.  Por supuesto, la comida poblana es riquísima.  Algunos de mis platos favoritos son:

The Cinco de Mayo is an important holiday for me, because I was born in Puebla.  (BTW, for my friends who are not from Mexico, the 5th of May is NOT the Mexican Independence Day, or a Hispanic Awareness Day outside of the US, but it celebrates a battle that took place in Puebla).  Besides, it is my sister's birthday.  We no longer live in Mexico, but I hope to return in the future.  Of course, the most important thing is to be with friends and family.  Nonetheless, there are other things that I also love about Mexico.  Of course, the food from Puebla is delicious.  Some of my favorites are:

Image credit leon www.fotosdepuebla.org on Flickr

1. Tacos árabes
These are not Taco Mayo, folks.  They are made from marinated pork cooked on a rotisserie, sliced off and served on a tortilla that is similar to  pita bread with onions and a smoky chipotle salsa that is reminiscent of barbeque sauce.


2. Mole poblano
Of all the moles out there, this is my favorite (naturally).  It is an amazingly complex dish that balances chiles, chocolate, seeds, nuts, and spices to create the perfect sauce for chicken.  A little sweet, a little spicy, a little nutty, a little bitter--when it is done right, there is nothing like it.

Image credit Vaguely Artistic on Flickr

3. Krankys
OK, this doesn't really count, I suppose, but I love these little chocolate covered corn flakes. Totally addicting.

4. Gringas
Similar to the tacos árabes, these feature marinated pork cooked on a rotisserie with pineapple, onions and chiles caramelizing and bathing the meat in juicy yumminess.  Add the delicious melty cheese, and you are in heaven. 

Image credit Scaredy Cat on Flickr

5.  Helado de pétalo de rosa
Rose petal ice cream.  Amazingly delicious.

I intended to leave it at 5 things.  It just seems fitting, after all, for a celebration on the fifth day of the fifth month.  But there is so much more that I love and want to share--cemitas, chalupas, tacos orientales, Sidral, Señorial, agua de sandía, limonadas, café de olla, pipián verde, pastel de tres leches, and so many other flavors that take me back home when I taste them.  But since I have already got your mouth watering, (I'm drooling now, anyway!) I am going to stop with a feast for the eyes of some of the beautiful spots in Puebla.  Except for the first one, they are all from the area around the zócalo.

 

Image credit Russ Bowling on Flickr

 

Image credit RussBowling on Flickr

 

Image credit RussBowling on Flickr

Image credit RussBowling on Flickr

Image credit RussBowling on Flickr

Building Fences

Image credit muffet68 on Flickr

I write a lot about non-punitive parenting, and why we practice showing grace and kindness.  It may leave some people wondering just what boundaries we have (if any).  I don't believe that anyone can grow into a healthy person without understanding healthy limits, and a huge part of my job as a parent is teaching, modeling and enforcing boundaries, and helping my children develop the skills they need to respect the boundaries of other people and to enforce and maintain their own.

Like fences, boundaries work both to protect them and to protect others.  They are a healthy barrier for both.

The first one we teach them is physical boundaries.  Their bodies belong to them.  No one is allowed to hurt them or make them feel yucky (unwanted tickling or touching them inappropriately).  From the time they are toddlers, we give them the script, "Stop or I'll tell!" (and teach them to tell us anyway, even if it stops).  I highly recommend Protecting the Gift by Gavin DeBecker. 

But all the words won't make much difference unless we back it up with our actions.  If we teach them that adults are allowed to violate their body boundaries by spanking or other actions against them, then our words become very weak.  Along with being careful in our own actions, we must also make sure that other people respect their limits when our children are powerless to enforce them.  I believe that the only time that it is OK for us to violate their body boundaries is in holding them if we must to protect someone, and that they should be released once everyone is safe.  (Car seats fall into this category of safety and protection, IMO.  Correct use of car seats is non-negotiable).

In the same way, they are not allowed to hurt others to express their big emotions.  If they feel like hitting, or kicking or whatever, they need to find safe ways to do that.  We teach them to dance, play the pushing game, or exercise or other physical activity to release angry feelings.  They can also draw, go to a comfort corner to cool down or take deep breaths and squeeze their palms together--anything that allows them to let go and regain control.

In a related note, it is important to teach them emotional/verbal boundaries, and how to use words to express themselves and protect themselves.  Hurtful words and name-calling are not allowed.  Non-Violent Communication is one of my favorite resources, and I want to order their book for children soon.  It involves teaching them how to identify feelings, and how to express to others how they feel without shaming or blaming.  "When x happens, I feel y."  We also work on scripts for how to handle difficult situations.

A difficult balance, especially for my little Betazoid, is learning how to understand and care about other people's feelings without taking responsibility for keeping other people happy at all times.  We have to remind her sometimes that it is OK to let her brother or sister cope with their own emotions and that she does not have to sacrifice her own boundaries in order to please them.  We had a lot of conversations about that, and I can see it getting easier for her to say no when she should.

Again, modeling is key here.  Do they see me demonstrating healthy boundaries?  Do I take appropriate responsibility for owning my own feelings, or do I blame them on others ("You make me feel so...!" )?   Do I say no when I need to and allow others to be responsible for their own feelings?  Do I correct or enforce boundaries without shaming and blaming?  (In case you are wondering, the answer to all of these is that I am working on it.  I am trying to learn these skills as an adult, and am very much a work in progress.)

Property boundaries are important, too.  Most things in our house belong to everyone, but there are a few items that are the sole property of the individual.  We don't force sharing if it is something that belongs to the child (I certainly have possessions that I do not share!).  They have been really open to waiting for someone to finish and then using it.  As long as they know that they will get an opportunity to have something and use it until they finish, disputes are rare.  They also know that violence means that they do not get it.

In modeling healthy property boundaries, we try not to snatch things from them unless it is extremely dangerous.  Even our little ones will bring a different toy to offer the baby if she grabs something of theirs.  Another way to maintain healthy boundaries here is to give everyone space where their belongings are protected and to make sure that others do not touch them without permission.  I am working on teaching them to not touch things that don't belong to them, but like I said, it is so rarely an issue in our home that I haven't given them enough practice.  It is a work in progress, but we are working and there is progress.  :)

Someone recently pointed out that these are some pretty high expectations for little people.  After all, a huge number of adults have issues with boundaries.  That is true, and I am one of those adults who is still learning!  The key is that this is a practicum, not a final exam.  This is about teaching and learning, not judging and punishing for failure.  These skills take a lifetime, and all of us are growing together.  So it really isn't about expectations and judgments, just about loving, equipping and growing.  I want to teach my children how to build fences in their own lives, and how to respect the fences of others.

Rotten Fruit

Image by astrogator on Flickr

I am a follower of Christ.  He taught us over and over that we need to judge things by their fruit.  I want to ask you, not for me, but for yourself: what fruit did spanking produce in your life as a child?  What fruit is it producing now if you spank your children?  I know, I know, we were all spanked and turned out fine.  Most spankers I know are loving people who want to do the right thing.  Most people that I know who were spanked as kids grew up into great people, too.  But I am asking about specifics, not generalities.  What were the direct results of spanking?

Think back to the times you were spanked.  What do you remember?  Are you able to remember specifics, or do you blank out on parts of it?  Interestingly, most people that I talk to have a hard time remembering details.  They only remember pieces.  Some remember all the events leading up to a spanking, but their memories stop there.  Others remember the spankings themselves, but not what they did to get spanked in the first place.  Aside from the fact that memory issues are often associated with trauma, if you don't remember why you got the spanking in the first place, how did it really help?

If you do remember, how did it motivate you, really?  I know that the idea is that you will be afraid to do whatever misdeed again.  Did it work?  Or did you repeat the same action again at some point?  Did you just resolve not to get caught the next time?  Or did you ever decide that doing what you wanted was worth the price of the spanking?   If it worked, were there any other strategies that would have worked, also?

Did it make you angry?  Did you wish you had the power to get revenge?  Did you ever feel that you were being hit unjustly and feel resentment over that?

Did it fill you with shame?  And if so, was the shame associated with your actions, or with yourself as a person?  Did the shame go away after the spanking, or did it remain and deepen?  As an adult, do you still struggle with self-acceptance, perfectionism, and shame issues?

Did it make you more honest, or did it make you feel a need to be deceptive?  Did you ever find yourself pretending that everything was OK, gulping back tears and trying to act in a way that would satisfy your parents, even if it wasn't authentic?

************************

If you spank your children, what is the fruit of that in you?

Do you feel angry?  I know, all the books say we shouldn't spank in anger, but they also say not to wait too long before spanking.  Do you feel frustrated or at peace?  Do you ever resent your child for "making you" spank him?

Do you ever feel shame about the frequency, method, or severity of the spankings?  Do you ever feel a need to hide or be less than fully honest about your spankings?

When you prepare to spank your child, are you motivated by pride?  Either anger at perceived lack of respect, or fear at what others will think of you and your parenting skills?

Does spanking produce kindness in you? Gentleness? Patience? Self-control? Goodness? Trustworthiness?

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law."  ~ Galatians 5:22-23 NIV

 ^"But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely." ~ The Message  

I have many, many resources that I will be happy to share if you are seeking to look deeper at what the Bible teaches us about discipline.  I will post some of them in the comments soon.  But for now, consider the fruit of the Spirit, and the fruit of spanking.  Is spanking resulting in rotten fruit?

This post was written for National Spank Out Day.  I will be updating later today with more links and resources from other participants, but here are some that are participating.  If you would like to be included, please leave a comment with your link. :)

National Spank Out Day

Permission to Live--Journey of a Young Mom

Bicultural Mom--Why I Hate Spanking

TouchstoneZ--Spank Out Day

I Am Totally *That* Mom--Spank Out Day

Littlemama Midwife--Marriage, Parenting and Grace

Imperfect Happiness--The Great Spank Out Day

HybridRastaMama--Spanking: Why Alternatives are Needed

Kelly Hogaboom--Non-Punitive Parenting: A Starting Primer

Becoming Crunchy--In Honor of Spank Out Day USA

My Personal Toolbox, Part II

Image credit: boeke on Flickr

I have found that gentle discipline is not just about the tools that I have for my children, but also what I am doing to build myself.  Some days I think that it takes me a lot longer to learn than it does my children, but the cool thing is looking back to a year ago, or two years and realizing how less often I feel the urge to hit or yell or shame, and how much more peace there is inside of me.  I know that I have a long way to go, but progress is always exciting and encouraging.  :)  Part I was posted recently, and these were all originally written as a guest post for Authentic Parenting.

Eliminate useless tools.  

Don't mentally save them for a last resort.  I used to justify yelling or shaming my kids since I wasn't actually calling them names or saying terrible words. I tried not to do it often, but it was still in my toolbox for "really big things".  One day, I saw my daughter's eyes and really looked.  Despite my internal justification, she saw it exactly for what it really was, and it hurt her.  Toss out even the possibility of hitting your children. 

Find appropriate ways to express your big feelings. 

Write. Paint. Dance.  Exercise.  (OK, I threw exercise in because I've heard good things about it and it seemed to fit.  Have I personally tried it?  No way!  I've got four kids and a paycheck job--do you honestly think I have energy or motivation to work out???   Just pass me some chocolate, please).

Use your words. 

Well, depends on which ones.  Finding words that are accurate and powerful enough to convey your feelings takes thought and practice and perhaps creativity, particularly if your children are going to be imitating you ;). Nonviolent Communication is a great resource.  Another way to use your words is to talk to another adult who can listen and encourage you.  Particularly if you didn't have a healthy model of parenting as a child, this can be a great way to learn what healthy relationships look like and how to help them grow. 

Expand your toolbox.  

If you have the tools you need to discipline your children, you are less likely to find yourself pushed to the edge.  Some of my favorites are here, and I love this post and the comments, too.  This is another place where your support circle can help you to see things from a fresh perspective and find something that will work for all of you.

Look at the big picture.  

Image credit jkfid on Flickr

Remind yourself of your long-term goals, both for yourself and your kids.  Look back at your own growth as a parent.  Like a child's growth, it may not be obvious from a single day to another, but look back a few months and you might be happily surprised at how much you have grown.  Also, like a toddler, sometimes we regress a bit in times of stress.  Be patient and repeat what you want to do and how you want to parent over and over to yourself.  These are skills that take practice.  If you screw up, apologize, forgive yourself and try again.

Pray.  Meditate.  

Image: AlicePopcorn on Flickr

My greatest help in becoming the parent I want to be is drawn from my love for Jesus Christ.  Whatever your beliefs or non-beliefs, taking a moment to stop and breathe in love and peace can calm us down and inspire us to treat our children as we would want to be treated.  It is hard to give what is not inside us, and developing peace in our hearts is crucial to sharing it with our family.

It's all in your head.  

Your perception often is reality.  If you focus on the "shoulds"--my baby should be sleeping through the night, I should be getting more time by myself, etc., you can miss the gifts in the present.  If you start looking at night nursing or other things as a special time, you can often transform them and find that they no longer cause you as much stress.  I know, this only works up to a point, but it is astounding how much our attitude affects things.  Once I stopped looking at the clock in the middle of the night and calculating how much time I had left to sleep and instead focused on the scent of my baby's head, the soft sound of his breathing and the blissful stillness (probably the quietest time in that 24 hours) I felt so much more refreshed.

Breastfeed.  

The hormones help.  Each time your baby suckles, oxytocin and other powerful hormones are released that help you to feel loving and peaceful.  

Relax.  

When I was preparing for the birth of our third child, I learned to recognize when I was tensing up and to deliberately relax.  Sure, it was helpful during birth, but I've found it even more useful a couple of years *after* the birth!  Become aware of your body and stress levels and teach yourself to let go of that tension.  

Follow a script.  

Create and memorize a short list of steps to handle your triggers that you can follow in the moment.  For me it goes like this: STOP.  DEEP BREATH.  Let go of any unhelpful thoughts. How can I help this situation *right now*? Later on, I can assess what I can do to prevent things in the future, but if I try to focus on what will make it better in this moment, it throws out punitive, angry responses and gets me thinking about positive strategies to solve the problem and maintain/restore connection.  Then practice, practice, practice!  It takes awhile for it to become automatic.  The results are worth it, though.

Love. 

Find little ways every day to fill their love cups.  Shower them with love, especially on the days when you don't feel as if either of you deserve it.  Learn what makes your child feel loved--it might be different from you.  If you are upset, use that as a signal to pour out love on your child.  The Five Love Languages of Children has a lot of great ideas to help them feel cherished.

 

I think that most of us come into parenting with a need for some restoration and repair.  There is no better time than now to strengthen and rebuild our lives so that we can parent our children the way we were designed to, and walk in peace and joy.

 

The Natural Parenting Blog Party--Why Creating Community Matters to Me

Welcome to all my friends, old and new who have visited through the Natural Parenting Blog Party.  I am so very, very grateful that you are part of my parenting community!

I live in the buckle of the Bible belt, and around here, most people believe that the Bible tells them to use their belts on their children.  Babywise and CIO are a given, and even a pediatrician gives out free copies of To Train Up a Child.  It is one thing to stand up for what you believe in and follow your own conscience, but when you are the only one you know, it can feel like you are drowning.  Just how important is creating a community of parents?  I think it is incredibly important.  We are designed to have relationships and to be part of a community.  For many parents who find themselves on a path similar to mine, that becomes increasingly difficult. 

If I limited my friendships to parents who agree with me on everything, I would have very, very few friends.  I would also miss out on a lot of opportunities to grow and learn.  I have deeply loved and respected family, friends and blog readers who disagree with me on most of my parenting choices.  They believe that spanking is necessary, that letting their children cry it out results in better sleep for everyone, that vaccinations are lifesavers, that babies don't need to be held so much, that hospital births are the safest choice and that while breastfeeding is fine for the first few months or so, if they can talk then they are too old.  They are not all extremists, of course--they may not follow all of those, and they may follow them to different degrees.  I think that Granny2five is the only one who ever dares to leave comments ;) and even hers are very mild.  But I appreciate the reminders to weigh my choices, to pray and seek God and to look at all sides of an issue.

All of that said, I also find that I need to limit some of my interactions with people whose standards are very different from mine.  If I witness a spanking or vicious shaming, I feel the same sick feeling inside as if I had witnessed an adult hitting a disabled person.  It tears me up emotionally for a long time.  My daughter responds the same way, and will cry about it later in the night.  For our emotional well-being, I would not spend time with people who practice that in front of us if I can avoid it.   Even hearing a group of moms laughing about letting their infants cry and scream or spanking their kids (and I am horrified by how common it is to joke about this in church nurseries) evokes the same stomach-clenching, teary-eyed feelings. 

I realize that to someone who is accustomed to it, it isn't a big deal, and that I probably seem overly dramatic.  Once a care-giver threatened Ariana and Joel with a spanking.  To my mom, it wasn't a serious issue since it was "only" a threat.  However, my sister was able to remind her that for children who have never been threatened with hitting, it was very different.  If an angry adult threatened to hit you and seemed prepared to do so, you would probably be upset and scared.  If this adult was much, much larger than you and knew that they could get away with it, imagine how much more intense your fear would be.  Or imagine how you would feel watching an adult caregiver hit an elderly person with Alzheimer's because they weren't following instructions.  I feel that same horror, outrage and grief at the idea of hitting a child, whose cognitive and physical abilities may make them just as vulnerable.  It is only when we have desensitized ourselves that the idea of hitting someone smaller and at a different mental level from us is not disturbing. 

Much more insidious is the subtle adversarial mindset that comes with punitive parenting.  Labeling, shaming, perceiving all of the child's actions through a negative lens.  I hear it all the time, and I have noticed that it is contagious.  I have found that even reading through Dobson or Ezzo materials starts to influence my thinking and perception of my children.  I become less patient, more suspicious and less peaceful inside.

Another reason that I need to be intentional about my community is, quite simply, that I don't have all the answers.  I need help, advice, wisdom, sympathy and encouragement from other moms who have been there.  However, it is hard to be open about my struggles with moms who don't understand the reasons behind my choices.  I don't feel as if I have the right to complain about lack of sleep, discouragement with breastfeeding, frustration with my child's behavior or similar things when I have no intention of accepting any of their solutions of CIO, weaning or punishment.

I *need* to spend time with other peaceful parents.  When I do, I come away refreshed, full of love, peace and compassion towards my family.  I feel energized instead of drained.  A community of like-minded parents isn't just a nice thing to have.  It is a necessity.  But it doesn't seem to happen easily for some of us.  It must be created intentionally.  I am already planning a post on how we can create that community, but for now, I just want to thank you for being a part of mine.  You are loved and appreciated.  <3

Natural Parenting Blog Party--Meeting Littlemama Midwife

"The same goes for female elders too. They are to be suitably holy as is fitting for their appointment, not slanderers, not enslaved by wine, teachers who provide instruction in what is right. Then they can
bring the new women to their senses to love their husbands, to love their children, to be clear headed, holy, the mistress of the house, supportive of their own husbands, so that the Word of God won’t be blasphemed."  Titus 2:3-5 The Source

I still remember the sense of amazement and awe.  I chattered about it non-stop to my husband on the way home.  "You won't believe this!  I met a mom at church who doesn't babywise!"  I'm not sure if my dearly beloved quite grasped how earth-shaking this was.  I had never met a mom in real life who didn't schedule feedings, spank or make her babies cry it out, and it was revolutionary to me.

I have been a social misfit, um, independent thinker for as long as I can remember.  Most of my life I didn't quite fit with the majority of my peers.  I didn't talk like them, dress like them or think like them, whether I wanted to or not.  Yet I shared with them the heart desire for being accepted and understood.  And always, God has brought special, amazing friends into my life.

But the loneliness hit hard when I became a parent and rejected mainstream practices like spanking, cry-it-out, and so on.  I didn't know of anyone who believed like I did.  Thankfully, I had some MMMs--Message board Mama Mentors--who patiently shared with me, encouraged me and answered my myriad questions.  However, as dear as these ladies were to my heart, most of them were agnostics, atheists, or pagan.  I hadn't yet joined GCM, and although we shared many beliefs, not being able to share my heart for God with them made me a little lonely.  Even worse were the occasional doubts that would flicker through my mind.  Was I somehow missing God?  If every believer I knew was convinced that God wanted them to hit their babies and refuse to comfort them, was I somehow mistaken in believing that He was calling me to treat mine with compassion?

I believe that God understands more than we could imagine what it is to be misunderstood and to not fit in with those around us.  The deep desire for fellowship, intimacy and relationship is something that He placed within us.  And I believe that He meets those needs, both through His Spirit and through the people He brings into our lives.

That Sunday morning in the Nursing Moms room where I met Littlemama Midwife was a turning point for me.  I didn't want her to feel like she was going through some kind of inquisition, but with every guarded question ("So...um, is there a particular approach you use regarding discipline?) I felt more and more relief.  Finally, someone who was passionate about Jesus and about parenting the way I felt He was leading me to parent!

I needed a mentor, and Littlemama Midwife is an amazing teacher.  She taught me to babywear and made me a wrap.  She answered all my questions on vaccinations and encouraged and helped me as we navigated our way through the overwhelming amount of info after ds' reaction.  She didn't think I was weird for tandem nursing.  She was never shocked by preschoolers who still wanted leche.  She had several years of homeschooling experience and was always happy to answer questions on curriculum.

She understood the disappointment and sadness I felt when our pastor encouraged spanking, and prayed with us and encouraged us to write our letter.  On days when I secretly feared that all the spankers were right about my kids turning into brats if I didn't spank, I could look at her four beautifully behaved kids and see the future I was hoping for.

However, there was one area where I was sure we diverged.  I totally respected her beliefs regarding birth.  I was just sure that they didn't apply to me.  I'll take that epidural as soon as contractions are fifteen minutes apart, thankyouverymuch.  I'm only dilated to a three, you say?  Oh, well, bring on the pit...  I was pathetically uninformed, and it is only through amazing mercy that my births were not C-sections.  

But as soon as I became pregnant with our third child, I felt that the Holy Spirit was telling me not to have an epidural this time around.  I tried to ignore it.  I really, really did.  I couldn't, though.  The voice inside me kept growing more insistent.  Dh, bless him, thought I was nuts.  He didn't want to see me in pain and he was afraid that I would not be able to take it and then have to deal with the emotional fallout of changing my mind.  Littlemama was my one voice of encouragement, telling me that I could do it.  She shared resources, information, books, red raspberry leaf tea and hugs.

She came over early in my labor, and tenderly supported me through the whole thing.  I can't even imagine how tired her arms must have been after applying pressure, helping me find comfortable positions and constantly being exactly what I needed.  When we got to the hospital and one of the worst of the Planet of the Apes sequels was on, she understood my loathing and helped me laugh.

When my water broke and the OB turned white as a sheet and began yelling at me to push, she saw that I was tuning out and spoke quietly right into my ear what I needed to do.  The cord was prolapsed.  Thankfully, she was out in just a few pushes.  If I had had pitocin, if I had had an epidural and been unable to push like I needed to...I wouldn't have the little warrior princess I have now.

Heather, dd and me just a couple of days after the birth.

When I became pregnant again, she understood my desire for a homebirth.  When I thought that there was no way we could afford a homebirth, she was incredibly generous.  Once again she supported me all through labor, and when my 9lb 6oz sweetling whose hand was tucked up next to her ginormous cheeks finally popped out, she was able to catch her.

My internet friends are amazing and real.  But having someone who is there with us in the daily walk-it-out of parenting is something we all desperately need.  Since meeting Littlemama, God has brought some more awesome moms into my life--GentleMomof4, my SIL, my dear friend Becki and others, (soon to include the Peaceful Housewife!).

I think God has a tender spot for moms who need encouragement, love, support and guidance.  Although Littlemama is not older than I, she has fulfilled the role of the Titus 2 lady in my life in many ways, and I am so very, very grateful.  If you are needing a real-life friend, keep praying and looking.  I hope that you can find a sister of the heart like I did.  :)

My Personal Toolbox

Image credit: boeke on Flickr

The Natural Parenting Blog Party is still going strong!  I have met some amazing blogs through this, and I still need to catch up on the newest entries.  On my journey to as a natural parent, I am learning the incredible importance of filling my toolbox, not only with tools for peacefully parenting my children, but also for helping to repair things in myself.  This was originally written as a guest post for Authentic Parenting.  :)  I will be sharing the other tools here, or you can head over to Authentic Parenting and read them there.

One might think that having more than a decade of experience as children ourselves should make us experts at raising our own kids.  We know how they think, how they respond, and what works or doesn't and why.   At least in theory.   In many cases, it creates some strong ideals.  How many of us remember vowing, "When *I* have kids, I'll...".  Yet there is often a gap between our ideal and our reality.  In our idealized world, we are patient, we don't yell, we are confident and truly enjoy our precious and amazing children.  Then we get trampled by real-life days when we are grouchy, exhausted, and all we want is a few moments of uninterrupted *anything*, a chance to use the bathroom alone, and clothing that doesn't have unidentified sticky substances smeared on it or smell like sour milk.  Days where despite our conscience, we feel like screaming or hitting or ignoring or shaming.  

There are several things that can help us as we strive to grow into the parents we desire to be. In fact, many of the same tools you use to gently guide your children into becoming the people they are meant to be work for you, as well.

Nourish yourself.  

Image: Chin Yan Keat on Picasa

We all know that hungry, tired kidlets are prone to meltdowns.  So are hungry, tired parents.  Try to get plenty of protein, especially if you are pregnant and/or breastfeeding. Stay hydrated!  As for sleep, I tend to snort rather unbecomingly when I read advice to sleep when your baby sleeps.  Sure, that is nice if your baby actually sleeps in stretches long enough for you to fall asleep, too, and if your house is quiet and peaceful, etc.  I have four kidlets at home, and I shudder to think what would happen if I tried that, even for the incredibly brief segments in which my baby sleeps.  However, cosleeping at night has been a lifesaver for me.  My children's night-time needs are met and honored and my need for sleep is met.   

Limit negative influences.  

I am surrounded by people close to me who disagree with many of our choices, such as homebirth, child-led weaning, non-punitive discipline, etc.  I know that despite the intensive amount of research I've done and the strong convictions I have, raised eyebrows and disapproving comments from the Babywising moms in the church nursery can leave me subconsciously second-guessing myself or my children.  The pediatrician who questioned why my three year old was still breastfeeding left me shaking, even though I know all the recommendations and stats.  Intellectually, I throw out the garbage. But on some emotional level, I internalize it. I find myself slipping into an adversarial mindset and resenting childish behavior that didn't bother me before.  I need to limit some of my exposure to those who would influence me in a negative way.  Which leads me to...

Create a support community. 

Especially if your choices are going to be met with resistance by people around you.  I've learned to seek out loving and gentle mamas who shower me with grace and acceptance and encourage me to extend that same mercy and peace toward my children.  If you don't know people who support your beliefs in real life, find message boards, blogs and other sources. They can encourage you, brainstorm solutions, and listen when you need an ear.  

Study.  

We spend a significant amount of time studying for our careers.  Being a parent is far more important than anything I will accomplish in my job--shouldn't I at least show the same diligence?  Some believe that it should be instinctual.  I agree that most of it is.  But sometimes our instincts get clouded by our upbringing or culture.  There are many books available by authors with wisdom and experience. If what you read goes against your own heart, then toss it out.  One of the most helpful things in my parenting journey has been studying child development.  It can save your sanity when you realize that your child is not deliberately trying to push your buttons, and that what they are doing is completely normal for their age.  Naomi Aldort's Raising our Children, Raising Ourselves, Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting, Pam Leo's Connection Parenting, Crystal Lutton's Biblical Parenting, Lawrence Cohen's Playful Parenting and Margot Sunderlund's The Science of Parenting have all been valuable resources to me. 

Don't act on your old recordings.  

Most of us have grown up with a litany of mental recordings that pop into our heads any time our children do something we think they shouldn't.  Often the are the same shaming words that we heard as children.  I can't believe you did that!  How stupid/dumb!  Why on earth would you do that?  You always/never...   If we let those thoughts pass through our mind without acting on them (because it is almost impossible to eliminate a mental recording that has been active for years) then we can dismiss them and replace them with Truth.  Let the thought play out, then replace it with a new, true thought.  Operate with the mindset that your children are doing the best they can in any given situation.  They aren't your adversaries.  You are on the same team. Beware the Defiance Boogeyman or the Myth of the Manipulative Monster Baby that presumes a negative motive on the part of your child.  Your children love you and any misbehavior is just a misguided attempt to get their needs met the best the can.

Shame off you. 

Just as they are with your child, your anger and frustration are expressions of unmet needs.  *Shaming yourself because you get upset won't make those needs go away.*  Guilt is only useful in the sense that, like the pain of touching a hot stove, it alerts us to a problem.  Rather than berating yourself because you feel like hitting your child, stop.  Examine where those feelings are coming from, especially when they are out of proportion to what is actually going on.  A friend used to feel enraged when her daughter created a mess or spilled something.  Upon reflection, she recalled how angry her own mother would become and how harshly she was scolded as a little girl for similar incidents.  As she dealt with her own feelings she was able to view her daughter's accidents from a much more reasonable place.  If there are ongoing needs that aren't being met for you, work on a plan to get what you need.  Ask for help!  Apologize when you fall short of your ideals, and accept the same grace and forgiveness that you show your children.

There are no perfect parents, of course.  Yet there is a lot we can do to acquire the skills we need to be the parents we want to be for our children, to eliminate deliberately hurtful actions, and to nourish and strengthen our bond.  I love Pam Leo's thought, "Let's raise children who won't have to recover from their childhood!"