Truth and consequences

When I first began my journey into gentle discipline, I was familiar with the Goldilocks-model of discipline: Papa Bear discipline, which was too harsh; Mama Bear discipline which was too lenient; leaving Baby Bear discipline which, of course, was just right. Most approaches that I heard were all variations of that theme (naturally, each book claimed the Baby Bear version) and many linked gender that way, too.

We threw those models away, preferring a more unconditional parenting approach. We don't use punishment, at least by the way I define punishment: intentionally making my children miserable in retaliation for misbehavior. And I admit, I am wary of the term "consequences" because so often it is simply a euphemism for punishment.

I imagine that some of my blog readers, especially those who are not around us often in real life, assume that we just don't use spankings as punishment but still use time outs and other negative reinforcement, or that we simply let the kids run wild and shield them from any consequence whatsover to their actions. In reality, we do allow some natural consequences, when we feel like the children can actually learn from them.

I don't usually blog about it for several reasons, among them: I wouldn't necessarily appreciate my own mistakes being blog fodder, so it seems a bit unfair to focus on my children's; they generally behave pretty well, so major issues are pretty rare; and 99% of the time, dealing with my own attitude is the key.

Still, we had some growing times recently, including the Most Famous Discipline Example of All, and I thought I'd share about them. Our responses are not perfect, nor are they necessarily my advice to others on how to handle similar instances. This is just a window into how it happened here.

I was chuckling with a friend recently how in any GD forum, if a mom starts to talk about how she cannot handle her child, and her fears for his future, veteran posters know before the mom mentions age that the kid is probably three. Terrible Twos? Not so much, in my experience. Threes, however, are two with a year of practice. Intense for everyone involved. Add some lapses with food allergies, and my dear son has had a rough couple of weeks. This cycle expanded as my darling and uber-sensitive five year old saw our attention directed towards her siblings and little left over for her.

Scenario Number 1--Yesterday, I planned to take them to Borders to celebrate the 30% discount for educators. They've been extraordinarily cooperative and well-behaved on our outings the last few months. This time, however, they were dawdling and not particularly interested in going. I pushed it because I thought it would be fun. Once we got inside the store, they quickly began a noisy game of chase. I told them to stop and was not heeded. So we immediately left.

What I did do: leave the store after the first request was not obeyed. I told them clearly exactly why we were leaving. Was it punishment? Eh, in the eye of the beholder. Certainly, they were not pleased. Ariana informed me that I was "very, very boring". I agreed that when they were not respectful of other people and we had to leave it was very boring. What I did not do: add on any punishment beyond returning to the house, or attempt to shame them. It is a tricky line, in my opinion, between letting them know how their actions affect others and deliberately trying to convict them of their wrongdoing. I believe that the Holy Spirit has a role there that is not mine to usurp. At the same time, as a loving teacher, I want to be honest about the results of their choices.

Scenario Number 2--Today, we went to the playground for lunch. The morning had been great, the time at the playground was fun for all of us, and they cheerfully agreed to leave as soon as I asked. Then came the dreadful playing-in-the-street-example. As we left, I was carrying the baby and my three year old saw a flock of birds. He darted away before I could grab him. He was across the parking lot before I could catch him. I was terrified, furious and all of the other emotions that you would imagine in that case.

What I did: grab him and hold his hand until we got to the van. Remind myself that his impulse control is still in the early stages of development, and that to a three year old excited about chasing birds, there is no thought of safety. I also, in my haste to reach him, dropped his sister's stuffed dog. A lady passing by gave us one of those looks and said loudly, "That kid needs a good spanking!" Apparently, she also picked up the stuffed dog and took it with her. :( As soon as the kids were in the van, I turned back to pick up the dog and it had disappeared. Ariana was heartbroken and began to cry.

As I looked for the toy dog, I saw a bird that had been run over. I brought Joel and Ariana over and let them see it. I explained that it had been hit by a car, and why I was so scared when Joel ran in the parking lot. I told him that I loved him and wanted him to be safe and not get hurt.

What I did not do: follow the busybody-dog-napper's advice (maybe she thought that the dog was Joel's and that she was teaching him a lesson?). Seeing how sad Ariana was made a pretty deep impression on him. The squashed bird was also a powerful object lesson. I didn't berate him or harp on it over and over after the first discussion. I didn't punish him (or the rest of us!) by trying to add anything more.

What we did do: find a replacement doggy for Ariana (though "it isn't the same one"), hold hands everywhere we went afterwards, and have a lovely time at Borders.
I also listened to him and Ariana talk on the ride home about the whole thing. They seemed to have retained the lesson, but in the future, I will still hold onto his hand in parking lots. And you know what? Even if I had spanked or punished in other ways, that wouldn't change. I would still hold hands and not expect a three year old to be responsible for his own safety.

The rest of the day has been good, unmarred by unnecessary drama. We rode bikes outside for awhile, and we're going to make a quick batch of pumpkin cupcakes before bed. We've had repentance and forgiveness and grace. Sure, there is a place for consequences, but I am glad that God removes our sin as far as the East from the West and that His mercies are new every morning.

Wrestling with angels (revamped)

I love words. I am not athletic, at all. That tends to come through in my interactions with my children. Today, though, one of my angels was finding words inadequate. He required wrestling instead. There were a lot of little things that had stressed our relationship and his self control lately, and I've found that when he needs to connect, it needs to be physical. So, we spent all morning playing together.

In Michael Gurian's books about boys, he explains a lot about the neurodevelopment of boys and the biological differences in the way that their brains work. Among other things, they are wired for action. I see that in my girls, too, so I don't know how much of it is a gender thing, but I think that most of us are aware that all children need active play and plenty of large muscle action. Sometimes it is harder to put that into the context of our relationship and connection with them, but I believe it is vital.

All children need rough-housing and physical play with us. Just watching them at the park isn't enough. Part of our expression of love for them and theirs for us is best expressed physically. It's a lot easier to just let go and not be bothered, to send them to their room or a time out or whatever. But like Jacob in the Bible, the key to this wrestling match is in holding fast to them and not letting go.

So today we played our favorite pushing game where he grabs my hands and tries to push me backward. We wrestled. We played catch with rolled up socks. We snuggled and cuddled. We roared like lions and stomped like elephants to show our feelings. We laughed and tickled. (Quick aside--he loves tickling. Ariana hates it. Our children's bodies belong to them, and we make it clear that tickling is by invitation only. If anyone wants to stop, that must be respected immediately. Check out this article.)

Frankly, I'm exhausted. I'm totally convinced that it was worth it, though. I see our connection getting back to where it was before. I have a pretty good idea that tomorrow will involve more of the same (let's hope for a good night of sleep tonight!), but if I'm going to work out, I think the rewards from this will be far greater than merely burning calories.

A day for demonic apoidea and tineoidea

I recently described a perfect, idyllic day at that park. It was one of those which childhood dreams are made of. Today, we tried to recreate it, at least in part. Oh, my, what a miserable failure that was!

The morning started off well. The kidlets and I made chocolate chip scones together, read from The Little House in the Big Woods, and got a lot of schoolwork done. I decided that it would be a perfect day to picnic in our special place at the park. Some dear friends were going to meet us, the weather was beautiful--what more could we ask for? Quite a lot, as it turns out, specifically those special suits that beekeepers wear.

We had a good snack and met our friends. However, our dryad spot looked terribly denuded. Apparently, over the weekend, several branches were trimmed. It was still fun, but much of the magic was gone. Even worse, within a few minutes we heard an ominous buzzing. Bees, bees were everywhere! At least seven or eight were swarming around us, and others circled nearby. Ack!

We moved to another part of the park. The bees followed us. It was like a B-movie from decades past--The Swarm! I pitched the rest of our picnic, thinking they might be attracted by the fruit, but it didn't help. The swarm persisted. Thankfully, none of our allergies are to bee stings, but it was still a bit frightening.

We wandered throughout the park, hoping to escape the bees. There were always a few hovering, but we encountered another peril. Bagworms. They were present in plague-like proportions. As the kids began to count them in amazement, I tried to move away, only to inadvertently squish several. Eeeewwwww! You couldn't walk without stepping on them! :shudder:

Now, I am typically a live and let live type when it comes to bugs and creepy-crawlies. I don't mind spiders (unless I am startled by one extremely close), I like worms and crickets and other harmless things. But the relentless pursuit by the hordes of bees and bagworms at the park reminded me of the demonized hogs careening down the hill. We gave up. Amazing how our lovely fairyland from a couple of days ago had transformed into a scene from a horror movie!

To dream the impossible dream...

Ariana and Joel have been discussing plans for the future, and both are extremely ambitious. Ariana has decided that along with being a chef, she will also be a musketeer. She practices swordfighting every day and is requesting that we move to Paris. Joel's plan is even more audacious: he solemnly informed me that he is going to be a rhino when he grows up. I just smile and nod and agree that their future sounds full of adventures.

A day for dryads

I haven't been blogging too much lately, I know, but I've had a drive to be out of the house and doing things with the kidlets the last few weeks. What have we been doing, you ask? Well, we've found two favorite new stores: Dollar Tree and Books a Million. Both have been fantastic sources for school supplies, and are inexpensive, too! Dollar Tree items are only a dollar, and they carry Spiderman workbooks for numbers and letters that delight Joelito. He begs to do schoolwork like Ariana now. Books a Million boasts a fantastic train set to play with, the best iced mochas anywhere, and 20% off any item that we want to use for homeschooling! Today, however, was a day for dryads.

We met Carlos for lunch, which always makes the day special, then he went back to work and we went to the park. It was one of those sparkly, fresh fall days where the weather is perfect (we get a couple weeks like that each year, but the rest seem to be unbearably hot or too cold).

The kids went on an exploring mission: rocks, trees, pebbles and leaves all were minutely examined. Elena was fascinated by the pebbles, and stopped every few feet to pick them up and look at them intently. Unfortunately, a few were tasted, too.

Joel was enthralled by the caterpillars, which were everywhere. But Ariana found our new favorite spot. Among some juniper trees, there is a small opening, like a door to fairyland. Once you duck through, there is plenty of room to climb, to hide, to play, or just smell the spicy fragrance of the berries and dream. We were there for over an hour in our little dryad wonderland.

After that, there were hills to climb and roll down, grass and clovers to play with, and squirrels and ants to observe. Most of our trees are still summer-green, but a few have turned a bright gold. With each puff of breeze, a shower would shimmy and swirl down, looking like giant pixie dust.

Of course, we enjoyed the slides, swings and monkey bars, too, but the real playground was the living part. We were there for several hours, and only left when I realized that I had missed two calls from Carlos telling us that he was off work and ready to meet us.

We met him at the bookstore, where the kidlets quenched their thirst with peach Italian sodas. Yum! Since Ariana has been begging to learn cursive, we found a great practice book. She read books, Joel played with the trains and squishy dinosaurs, and Elena hugged a stuffed cow and sang countless renditions of "Old MacDonald Had a Farm".

From there, we went back to the university, which was having an employee picnic. I would have thought that the kids would have worked up an appetite, but they were too excited by the giant inflatables to want to eat. We all climbed and jumped (Elena loved it!), they rode ponies, saw friends...and finally ate.

We are home at last. The sweetlings are filthy and tired but utterly content. A day when you really need a bath at the end is a good day!

Verbal superpowers

Honesty is such an important thing to teach our children. Sometimes, it is easy to forget that it is something that the lines between reality and fantasy blur quite easily when you are young. For small children, words are magic. They are a superpower to change things. I love Crystal Lutton's article on this topic and wanted to share it with you all. It is a great resource for teaching our little ones to tell the truth. http://aolff.com/grace-based-discipline/words-as-magicWords as magic

A mother's Psalm

Photo by YanivG

Psalm 134

Behold, bless the LORD, all servants of the LORD,

Who serve by night in the house of the LORD!

Lift up your hands to the sanctuary

And bless the LORD.

May the LORD bless you from Zion,

He who made heaven and earth.

There is something special about your service to Him and your family at night.

Blue Christian's Blog

I am so excited to be able to share with you a new blog by a dedicated believer and Jesus-lover who is not a Republican. I think you will find his posts articulate and thought-provoking. Here is the addy: http://bluechristian.wordpress.com/Blue Christian's Blog

When it rains...

After a drought in the blogging department, I've suddenly got several things to share. It has been raining literally, too, much to our delight. After our Psalms this morning, Ariana and I read more poetry, focusing on this one:

April Rain Song

Let the rain kiss you
Let the rain beat upon your head with silver liquid drops
Let the rain sing you a lullaby
The rain makes still pools on the sidewalk
The rain makes running pools in the gutter
The rain plays a little sleep song on our roof at night
And I love the rain.

Langston Hughes

We listened to the watery music outside and cuddled and read good books, drank good coffee, and ate good banana bread.

We're seeing some exciting changes coming along with the turning of the seasons. It is always thrilling to me when God whispers the same thing to me and Carlos individually. Once we compare notes, the sense of anticipation and being close to Him and each other is amazing.

One potential change is a new position at work for Carlos. It will mean more hours, but also more money, more job security, more variety and challenge, more opportunities to use some of the unique gifts God has given him, and a far greater scope of ministry. It isn't 100% certain yet, but pretty close, and I can see God's hand dancing all over the direction for our family.

My BIL is finally starting a blog, and I am overjoyed. I've shared a couple of posts from him in the past, and I love seeing articulate, politically aware Christians share their views. So often we get drowned out by the crazies... ;) I'll be linking to his blog soon!

There were a couple of other things that I wanted to post, but I am forgetting already. Oh well. Maybe they'll come to me as I curl up with a good book, a mug of soup, and listen to the rain.

Better than expected

Don't you just love it when things turn out to be much better than you anticipated? I'm generally pretty optimistic, but when things are even better than I hoped, it spills sunshine all over my day.

We've had a few of those moments recently, so I thought I'd share:

Well-child-check-ups: The older two have a different doctor than the youngest. In fact, the reason that she isn't Elena's ped, too, is that she didn't feel comfortable with some of the choices we were making, like declining Hep B and eye ointment, even though there was absolutely no medical reason for either one. At the last visit, she suggested that I wean Joel. I love her thoroughness and aggressiveness when the kidlets are sick, but I was dreading the check-ups, thinking that she'd want me to vaccinate the kids and bring up weaning again.

Both kids passed the check-ups with flying colors, the doctor asked--instead of assuming--if I wanted to vax, and didn't even show disapproval with body language when I declined. Weaning wasn't mentioned. The only possible thing that any granola mom would have disliked was that she did retract Joel. However, since he is retractable, she was gentle, and he showed no discomfort, that wasn't a problem. It was just a helpful and pleasant visit. She also said that coming in the summer instead of during flu season was great. Yay! It made me very glad that we have stayed with her instead of switching peds.

Now, for some amazing product reviews: Xylitol and Turtle Mountain Dairy-free desserts. Joel always cried when I brushed his teeth, regardless of how gentle I was, because he said that the toothpaste burned his mouth. We have tried every flavor out there, including watermelon, bubble gum, berry and other "non-spicy" flavors. It didn't help. After reading about all the benefits of xylitol (Google if you haven't heard them yet), I found some locally. The kids are begging me to brush their teeth! They love it! And I do, too.

My dear friend, Dorm Mom, has reviewed Turtle Mountain's line of coconut milk products before, and I tried one and loved it. Afterwards, though, we had gone back to dairy and so I stopped. Since Joel has been having reactions to dairy again, I went looking for it, and found several new ones to try. Oh, my! If your dairy-free experience has been soy or rice, you have to try these! They are amazing! We had the yogurt last night, and an ice cream sandwich today. They are fabulous, and well-worth the price. Better than the dairy version, even.

I hope that today each of you find some special little (or big!) things that turn out better than you had anticipated that fill your day with smiles.