In the Roar of Your Waterfalls

"Deep calls to deep
   in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
   have swept over me.
By day the LORD directs his love,
   at night his song is with me—
   a prayer to the God of my life." ~ Psalm 42:7-8

I didn't expect this.  Not any of it.  For one thing, I never really expected my blog to last more than a couple of months, or for writing to matter at all to me.  But in pouring out my heart here, I began to feel connected with you.  And that matters.  You matter.

I have had some exciting news this weekend about joining the Natural Parents Network and a couple of articles that were favorably received by Home Educating Family Magazine.  I am elated!  But when I shared it with a family member, I just got rolled eyes.  I let them know that I was hurt by the response, and was answered in no uncertain terms that in their opinion, my writing is just a waste of time.  There were some personal jabs added about my lack of housekeeping skills, parenting and homeschooling.

You ever have times when hurt, anger, and loneliness just crash over your heart like waves?  And just when you think you are starting to catch your breath, they just knock you under all over again?  Yeah, that.  My emotions are pounding in my ears like a roaring waterfall.

Right now, two of the people closest to me in real life have let me know that they disapprove of my writing.  One because I am "speaking against the Lord's anointed" by writing against the teachings of people like Dobson, Gothard, the Pearls, etc.  Another because I don't have anything worth the time to say it. The result is that I now have a deep part of my heart that I no longer feel safe in sharing with them.

Tonight, as my heart pounded a waterfall of tears, I remembered the first part of the verse.

Deep calls to deep because all of us long for intimacy. Vulnerability that reveals the depths of our souls. It is a dangerous thing. Those deep places are only protected by distance from the surface. Our only safety is in love that is even more profound. In God.

We are meant to have intimacy with other people.  But there is a place that is only meant for God. My self worth is found there, in who He is and who He created me to be. The stuff that fills me up inside comes from Him, not the approval of those around me. It has to, or I will always be tossed by every little wave of disapproval.

I believe that is the key, but I am still trying to figure out what it looks like to continue calling out to the depths in those closest to us.  Where, exactly, is the difference between forgiveness and grace-full boundaries?  These relationships are meant to be profound ones, and I don't want to close off my heart, but I don't want to open it up to be ground down into the mud again.  I need help, because right now my thoughts and feelings keep splashing all over the place.

I do know that He sent swelling tides of healing and love through you, my dear friends.  So many of you took the time to encourage me, to comment on my Facebook status and to send hugs and prayers.  As I read your words, my spirit was bouyed up and my heart began to sing again.  Thank you.

Those waterfalls can be deafening.  That is why we have to sing His song even louder.  I am so grateful to you all for relentlessly singing the song of love and grace, of healing and hope over me.

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I've admitted to being stuck in a musical time warp.  If the verse got Margaret Becker stuck in your head, here you go: 

Photo credit: wsaryada on Flickr