It's Hard Some Days

Last night, our youngest woke up every. half. hour. (sometimes even more frequently, never less) between 11PM and 7AM. I don't know if it was gas, teething, a growth spurt or something else, but she has been perfectly happy all morning. I, on the other hand, need a coffee IV.

The house needs to be cleaned, and I have no desire or energy whatsoever to do anything. (But in honesty, that would be true even with a full night's sleep).

Ariana and Joel were playing normally and happily and I snapped at them to be quiet.

Elena has asked to nurse a dozen times this morning already and I've told her no every time.

I want to crawl back in bed, but know it wouldn't work, and the effort and disappointment of trying to manage it is more than I can deal with right now.

I wrote about one of our fairly normal days in this post, and some of the things that I do. My post on riding it out has a few of my coping techniques.

It is hard to be balanced. It is hard to be honest, even with ourselves. It is hard to parent. It is hard to discipline ourselves. And I don't always know where the lines are. What is the line between complaining and honesty? What is the line between healthy boundaries and self-centeredness? What is the line between choosing to practice what I preach and giving myself grace? I am not sure.

Recently a friend said that I make parenting four kidlets sound too easy. That I should have warned her more about difficulties with breastfeeding, lack of sleep, etc. She may have had a point. At the same time, I really, truly believe that the rewards are more than worth it. I experience them most of the time. Most of our days are filled with joy. Most of our nights result in adequate sleep. But not always.

(Now isn't this worth a sleepless night? <3)

I believe that natural birth, even thought it hurts, is better for the baby and the mom.

I believe that babies should nurse whenever they are hungry, even during the night.

I believe that regardless of age, humans should be treated with kindness and respect.

I believe that the choices we are making now actually make life easier, not just in a distant future, but now, too.

I believe, I even know, but some days are just hard.