One step forward, one step back

I've been interested in home birth for quite awhile now. During the pregnancy with Elena while preparing for an unmedicated birth I learned a lot. The last week or two, I've been obsessed, er, extremely interested in it. I've also done a lot of praying and thinking.

I am one step forward from my previous post. I feel completely set on home birth now. There is a deep, peaceful, quiet inside me when I consider it. Intellectually, I've been doing my homework. Birth is not something that any mother should be uninformed about (and I shudder at how little I knew with my first two births!). But in all honesty, it isn't an intellectual decision for me. I feel so compelled to follow my heart in this that disregarding it would be unthinkable.

My Belovedest, however, is not there at all. Which makes things a little complicated. When he told me that he didn't see any advantage at all in a home birth and no disadvantages in a hospital birth I mentally shrieked, "Have you paid any attention at all to the things that I've shared with you or that we learned last time around?" I didn't scream aloud, because my sense of humor quickly reminded me of the hours that my dear husband has spent patiently educating me on the merits of certain electronic equipment or stuff about cars. Truthfully, I couldn't care less about the differences between a plasma TV and and LED? LCD? Anyway, whatever the other kind of screen is. As long as a car functions reliably, I remain in blissful ignorance of features like a cold-air intake system.

And, in his favor, we did succeed in a natural birth last time despite the hospital setting. I still don't want to go back. So, while we've got plenty of time off work the next few weeks, we'll both be praying and talking a lot. It is important to me that he be comfortable with the decision, too.

Our step back is that I will be calling my hospital-midwife soon and letting her know that we won't be continuing as her clients. I still get alarm bells screaming at me and I don't have clear reasons for why. I have nothing against her at all, but I have no doubt whatsoever that we need to go in a different direction, even if we were to wind up with a hospital birth.

The timing may be tricky, though. For one thing, we are changing insurance companies at the first of the year. For another, I want to be honest and not lead her on. At the same time, I don't want to have a big gap in prenatal care, either. So, we really need to make the decision by the end of this year. Which is easy for me to say, but I'm not sure about Carlos. Prayers are greatly appreciated, for both of us. I feel very confident right now, but if I'm wrong, I'd like to know. Have I mentioned how much I hate waffling? I want whatever we decide to be the best choice and for us to be in true unity and for it to happen quickly. Not too much to ask, is it? ;) At least it is the season for hope, peace and dreams coming true.