tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post6224460766536577722..comments2023-08-04T06:10:55.445-07:00Comments on Dulce de leche: But He Never Hit Her: An Anonymous Guest PostUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-27879094537771039652013-03-20T19:50:28.709-07:002013-03-20T19:50:28.709-07:00My dad did hit us. But I have to say that was the ...My dad did hit us. But I have to say that was the easy part. I used to pray he would hit us and than leave us alone. It was the hours of screaming and repeating and justifying his actions I couldn't take.<br /><br />I also struggle with my actions in my marriage. I did not marry an abuser or even a jerk. I am really the one that has no idea how to act and want to be a good example for my 2 year old daughter.Talihttp://anawkwardmother.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-52401299132595904572012-06-12T15:32:23.226-07:002012-06-12T15:32:23.226-07:00When our church hosted a speaker from our city'...When our church hosted a speaker from our city's women & children's shelter, I remember one poster they had in their display: it said, "Why does such a God-fearing man have such a husband-fearing wife?" Truly this less obvious kind of abuse can be just as damaging -- I grew up watching some of this in my own home. Thank you for sharing your story . . . I'm sure many women will recognize themselves here. <br /><br />Also, if you're living in a marriage like this (or repeating the pattern yourself), please call your local safe house/shelter. Often, they have counselors and groups you can attend even if the abuse is not restricted to physical violence. <br />NancyPeter and Nancyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10329947206142706470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-29226896473040018412012-05-18T22:45:30.585-07:002012-05-18T22:45:30.585-07:00I grew up with a mother who was very abusive - wit...I grew up with a mother who was very abusive - without ever being physically abusive. Well, eventually she did do some "minor" physical things. She'd be so upset (enraged) and flailing that she'd "accidentally" scratch my hand or arm enough to make it bleed at least a little. She punched a hole straight through my electric guitar. She'd pull my hair hard and it'd knock my glasses off my head - usually they'd go flying. Sometimes she'd scream so loudly and so close to my face that it's literally hurt my ears at least a little tiny bit and when I'd put my hands over my ears to protect them, she'd pull my hands down hard to stop me from protecting my hearing. She spit in my face on 2 occasions. So yeah in some ways she escalated to physical violence eventually. <br /><br />But... for years before she'd ever done anything at all physically violent like that, she was still abusive.<br /><br />I found out later that she had (at the time when I was 17 and stopped living with her and she underwent a psychiatric evaluation so that the courts could figure out what to do with me and my younger brother) Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Dysthymic disorder, "Alcohol abuse", and "a personality disorder not otherwise specified" with borderline, dependent, histrionic, and obsessive compulsive traits. Also the psychiatrist thought, then, that she had a global functioning level of fifty. :P<br /><br />Her mental illnesses caused her to be abusive to not only me and my brother but also to my father even after they had gotten "separated" when I was not yet 4 years old and were essentially divorced for most of my life. She was able to control him (my dad) in much the same ways that Anonymous from May 18, 2012 at 7:16 AM mentioned... she... she was horrible in so so many ways that are hard to explain.<br /><br />I've been trying to chronicle it all in a series of tumblr posts because I just have so much to say.<br /><br />http://luvtheheaven.tumblr.com/post/3500878461/my-crazy-mom-and-my-wonderful-dad-part-1<br /><br />But that was a huge thing. Growing up I thought abuse had to be physical. If someone wasn't raping me, or hitting me hard and leaving big bruises, or burning my skin with cigarettes, then it couldn't be abuse. I remember when I was watching a rerun of a 7th Heaven episode around when I was 12 or 13 maybe and at the end of the episode there was an abuse hotline number they suggested we could call. And I really kinda wanted to. I think I did call the number, then hung up, resigned to not thinking what my mom was doing counted as abuse. When I was 15 I had to have surgery on my foot and they asked me in private at some point something that they had to ask all children - I think it was something like "Are you being abused?" or "have you ever been abused". But the nurse or doctor asking the question was just going through the motions, expecting a "no" without even waiting for my answer, and I remember truly hesitating and thinking about it before answering "no". I was mainly scared that if I told someone I thought what my mom was doing was abusive, and still had to be alone with my mom at some point in the future after that, she would kill me. I don't think I was literally afraid she'd be that violent. But that was sort of the mindset I was in, that whatever psychological/emotional abuse she'd inflict on me as punishment for calling her an abusive mother would be so horrible that I couldn't take the risk and tell anyone who could actually do something about it just how bad it was.<br /><br />I also kinda had a suspicion that what my mom did would be unprovable and therefore unlikely to be stopped anyway.<br /><br />I wish we were taught that emotional abuse is real and horrible and that physical stuff wasn't the only thing people think of when they think of abuse. Because what my mom did to me was awful but mostly non-violent, non-physical. And 100% non-sexual of course.<br /><br />~EmilyEmilyhttps://twitter.com/#!/luvtheheavennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-65217484775009923312012-05-18T08:06:13.426-07:002012-05-18T08:06:13.426-07:00Loving hugs to all of you who have experienced thi...Loving hugs to all of you who have experienced this. It is never your fault, and you are not imagining things or exaggerating, regardless of how well liked he is by others. <br /><br />One of the best resources I have ever read is <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656" rel="nofollow">Why Does He Do That?</a> by <a href="http://lundybancroft.blogspot.com/2012/04/when-his-put-downs-sound-true.html" rel="nofollow">Lundy Bancroft</a> <br /><br />All love and healing to you, and I will be praying for you and your children to be safe and free.dulce de lechehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01641970264436339191noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-85754564198921537032012-05-18T07:16:23.237-07:002012-05-18T07:16:23.237-07:00My marriage was like this. It was awful and made m...My marriage was like this. It was awful and made me question my own sanity. Everyone else thought my husband was a great guy. But he was controlling and mean, using silence, withdrawal, and my most painful moments in life to illustrate what a bad person I was. He threatened me on numerous occasions and did become physical on two occasions, though minor in the scheme of physical abuse. But now, a year after the divorce was final and more than two after we split, he is still trying to control me. He still has that need and as the father of my children he succeeds more often than he should because while I have my children's best interest at heart, he still prioritizes control of others over everything else.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-71407644941793726362012-05-18T06:36:11.501-07:002012-05-18T06:36:11.501-07:00Next week my husband and I will have been married ...Next week my husband and I will have been married for 8 years. We have three children. When I first started to read this article I thought, "who is writing about my life?"<br />My husband too has never hit me, but I am realizing his maltreatment and un-loving behavior more and more.Julie M. Wilsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08097949846918766916noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-75234953208411093942012-05-18T05:58:51.821-07:002012-05-18T05:58:51.821-07:00Abuse stems from the carnal drive to control. It i...Abuse stems from the carnal drive to control. It is rampant and runs deep. Through awareness and diligence, cycles can and are broken. I appreciate the honest account also.<br /><br />There are answers to the questions asked, healing is possible. Change is inevitable when we are willing to look within ourselves and pave a new path.Amy Phoenixhttp://presenceparenting.comnoreply@blogger.com