Dulce de leche

The Power of Words--Guest Post by Becky Eanes of Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond

2012-01-31T06:02:00.000-08:00

The Bible has much to say about the power of our tongues. As parents, we have an incredible opportunity to build our children up and to speak blessings into their lives, but so often we fall into the habit of constantly correcting our children or having sharp tongues when we speak to them. When we nitpick, find fault, and criticize our children, we destroy their self–image, and with our negative words, we will open a door, allowing the enemy to bring all sorts of insecurity and inferiority into our child's life. Such negative words will cause our children to lose the sense of value God has placed within them.

There are many verses in Proverbs relating to the power of our words. Here are a few.

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits. Proverbs 18:21

There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 12:18

Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body. Proverbs 16:24

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit. Proverbs 15:4

Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding. Proverbs 17:27

It’s interesting that Romans 12:14 tells us: Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them.

If we are to bless those who persecute us, how much more so should we bless our children? I believe our parenting will be profoundly impacted if we study on these scriptures as it relates to how we talk to those whom God has entrusted us with.

Ephesians 4:29 (ESV) tells us: Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Let us be reminded to encourage and build up our children, to intentionally look for and point out their good qualities. Let us be reminded to guard the words that come out of our mouths, that they may only be used to build them up and give them grace.

Psychology is catching up with what the Bible has already taught us, that if we continually speak negative words to our children, their self-concept will be adversely affected. They see themselves as they believe we see them, and they behave according to that self-concept.

If we choose to discourage our children, to speak negativity and destruction into their lives, we will give an account to the Lord.

I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak. Matthew 12:36 (ESV)

With authority comes responsibility, and we have the responsibility as the spiritual authority over our children to make sure that they feel loved, accepted, and approved. Speak blessings over your children daily. Words are powerful both for the one who speaks them and the one who receives them.

Saying a blessing out loud empowers our children to step into their calling. This intentional act has the power to transform their lives and set them on the right path. Ask God to give you the exact words to share with each of your children, and make time each day to speak this blessing over them. The blessing may look like this:

I bless your life as I know you will become a wonderful woman/man of God. I bless your mind to remain sound and for you to have wisdom and discernment in all decisions. I bless your mouth where words of truth and encouragement will flow. I bless your heart to remain loyal to God’s will for your life. I love everything about you, and I am proud to be your mother. You bless our family and your friends in so many ways.

When we start speaking this over our children, I believe we set them up for success. No matter how young or old your children are, you can bless them with your words. You can bless them in the crib or bless them when they bring their families to visit you at Christmas. As their parent, your words are powerful regardless of their age.

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Becky Eanes is the founder of positive-parents.org and Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond on Facebook. She lives with her husband and 2 young sons. She is also one of my heroes. My family and I have been incredibly blessed by the grace and truth in her writings, and I am so very honored to have her share this post. <3

The 10 Commandments for Parents: No Graven Image

2012-01-29T12:41:00.000-08:00

I suspect that Jesus had colic. That He didn't sleep through the night at 12 weeks, and probably not even at 12 months. That He made messes and spilled things. That He tantrumed some days. It wouldn't surprise me a bit if He had difficulty meeting all the milestones that parents obsess over and struggled in school. The Bible doesn't say, of course, but I am reasonably sure that He was not an easy baby, or even an easy child. Nothing else about His life was easy.

I also believe He never sinned. But for some parents, reconciling that statement with the previous paragraph is hard, because our society has created a graven image of the perfect baby/child. A *good* baby or child is one that is convenient. Who doesn't bother you or take away attention from more important matters (the more important matters being the parent's interests, free time, and above all, sleep). Who only garners attention for cuteness and excelling in academics and athletics. Who is quiet and plays independently, but is still socially sophisticated.


Um, I make muffins? Does that count?

My mental models weren't limited to my children. I was sure in the beginning that I would be a together mom. You know the kind (well, maybe you do--I have never actually met her, but I have heard of her and seen pictures). I would make sure to keep myself, my child and my home looking nice. I would maintain the same level of availability and energy for all of my pre-motherhood relationships. My child would always be perfectly behaved, and sleep through the night in her own room, because I would be the practically perfect in every way Mary Poppins mom who never tilted the wrong way from the perfect balance of kindness and firmness. As she grew older and we had more children, I would competently make sure that their behavior was above reproach, and that no child ever felt left out. I would delightedly homeschool with creative and enjoyable lessons, always prepare delicious and healthy meals, and my darlings would never fight amongst themselves. I would be able to do it all, do it all well, and do it consistently. :laughs to the point of wiping tears.

The other graven images I had? That the Bible instructs parents to spank, that we must vigilantly guard against defiance and backtalk, that we must always be consistent and always present a united front. That we are all sinners in the hands of an angry God. They were all based off of popular opinion in our culture, but not real Truth.

Graven images are deadly. They destroy relationships, leaving behind only an atrophied, hollow, wooden shell of the life that they are supposed to represent. We are cautioned not to allow the world to squeeze us into its mold, to not conform to the graven images of our culture. Trying to force ourselves or our children to fit into the little boxes we have created only brings shame and heartache. But what about ideals? What is the difference?

For me, the problem was in the priorities. Relationship always needs to come first. That usually involves a lot of stripping away of the outer things that we look at and measure by. Another thing? Convenience and long term goals are rarely compatible. So we have to get rid of our little household gods and decide what (and Who) truly is worthy of our allegiance and our energy.

Knocking down those graven images is tough. Nobody likes to admit that they were wrong. But it is still worth the effort. They need to be replaced with reality. For religious misconceptions, it means examining the Scripture, studying to correctly handle the word of truth (which requires delving more deeply than a passing glance to make sure that it confirms our own biases. A Hebrew lexicon--not concordance--can be very helpful.). For other things, it may mean research into child development and mental health.

The beautiful thing? Despite the messiness, the lack of airbrushed perfection of real life, it is just that: real. Not fake, hypocritical pretense. Life. Not a cold, empty statue of a false god. My kids shattered the mold that I had envisioned for them. I never attained all the standards I set for myself. But that is OK, because it turns out that God is far bigger than the stern, tiny box I wanted to confine Him to. He is full of mercy and grace upon grace. He is a God of restoration, who lifts us and heals us. A God of abundant Life.

Opening Up the GD Toolbox: Use Your Words

2012-01-27T08:39:00.000-08:00

"Be careful."
"Be good."
"Be nice."
"No!"

In this case, "Be careful!" means "Stay still."

What do these mean to a 20 month old? If you stop and think about it, phrases like these are vague, at best. Does "be careful" mean to walk slowly? Avoid a hot stove? Climb down from the furniture? Not spill the juice? Touch the vase gently? For a toddler, even an older child, it will probably require considerable experimentation to figure out exactly what it means in a given situation.

Sadly, that experimentation and desire to understand runs a grave risk of resembling disobedience or defiance. I can picture a little one thinking, "Yeah! I've heard 'be careful' before! Maybe I'll get it this time. Is it stop jumping?" He turns to his mom with a grin and a twinkle--only to get scolded as the food slips from his plate. And she sighs to her friends, "He grinned at me right before he did it. I know he is defying me on purpose."

What about "be good" and "be nice"? Do they mean to be quiet? To share toys? To stop fussing? How do they know? (And I will go ahead and say that I think all babies are good and nice, regardless of their behavior).

"No" is probably the worst of the examples, and one whose reputation is most grossly misunderstood. I've heard parents who think that avoiding the use of "no" means to be permissive and indulgent. That isn't what I am talking about. I do believe that being part of our family means consideration in the way we set up our house, and that setting them up for success is important. But there will be times when a child's will must be thwarted (although a wise parent can often find ways to meet everyone's needs in a pleasant way). Anyway, my point is that saying "no" is generally poor communication.

Image credit binkle_28 on Flickr

For one thing, it is ridiculously overused, and that breeds contempt. Much more importantly, a young child's ability to process language means that the "no" is often lost in whatever words follow it. So a toddler hears "hitting" instead of "no hitting". Even adults are susceptible. If I say, "Don't think of dancing monkeys," what just popped into your mind?

Another one that people of all ages struggle with is being overwhelmed with too much at once. Have you ever studied a foreign language? Have you ever felt frustration mount as you frantically try to grasp the meaning of a word or phrase as the speaker just keeps going? English (or Spanish or whatever you speak) is still a foreign language to little ones. They are still working at comprehension of even basic terms (does your toddler ever mix up pronouns? Use the wrong form of the past tense?), and too many instructions strung together are going to blur.

The answer for all of these is the same: give simple, precise instructions for what you do want. Instead of telling a child what not to do and hoping that they magically invent a better alternative, focus on what you do want them to do. Be specific and brief. "Walk slowly." "Feet on the floor." "Freeze." "Gentle touches." It takes a lot of practice, for us as well as the kidlets. And of course, as they get older, their understanding increases. Even so, the way we speak makes a difference in their focus.

Tone of voice is an important tool, too. Some parents use the right words but with a scary voice that distracts from the message. Others seem to assume that gentle discipline means saying everything in a syrupy, sing-song voice (often with superfluous sprinklings of "sweetie," "honey," "darling," and "OK?"). That would drive me batty within seconds, and confuse my kids to no end. It really is hard to hear ourselves, though. Ask a partner to listen to how your tone of voice comes across, or even tape yourself sometime. It can be very enlightening! (Have you ever listened to your voice on an answering machine and thought that is sounds different? It is even more true when you examine tone of voice and content!).

It is so easy to tell our children to use their words. Honestly, though, we adults have a lot of learning to do when it comes to words, too. It starts with giving clear instructions. Keeping our directions simple and precise. Telling what *to* do, not just what *not* to do. Making sure that our tone of voice doesn't distract from the message. As we practice, we will become much more fluent communicators.

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Image credit goaliej54 on Flickr

Moving away from punitive parenting requires a brand new set of tools. Let's open it up together! For the rest of the series, click here. And if gentle discipline is revealing areas where you need to work on yourself, see if any of these personal tools resonate with you.

Looking for more practical tips? Check out my favorite post from the Hippie Housewife on The Hows of Discipline (and read through all the comments!), Pearl in Oyster's 52 Tool Cards series and Aha! Parenting's blog. Do you need inspiration and a reminder of why and how to do this? Read Emerging Mummy's Practices of Mothering and Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond. If you have other great resources or ideas, please add them in the comments.

The 10 Commandments for Parents: No Other Gods

2012-01-20T09:30:00.000-08:00

Image credit Maxwell Hamilton

One of the best things about becoming a mom is finding new depth and riches in Scripture. I have thought a lot about how the Beatitudes apply to parents, and last night I began to think of how important the ten commandments are in our relationships with our children.

The very first says, "You shall have no other gods before Me". But idolatry is still alive and well within the Church. When we hear about it, it is usually in reference to possessions, greed and general priorities. That is important. But there is another form of idolatry that many in the church actually encourage: setting up parents as idols to children.

There is a teaching that pervades Christianity that essentially teaches that children will never learn to follow God unless they first see their parents as gods. Under this reasoning, children are expected to obey without question. ~~Worship~~ Respect for parents is paramount, and even mere thoughts that might be out of line are considered defiance.

Some, like Tripp and Pearl, take it even further: by spanking a child, they are able to remove the child's sin and guilt (Jesus could have saved Himself a lot of hassle if He had just gotten more parents to hit their kids!).

Stated this way, it sounds kind of extreme. But I have heard countless parents use these very arguments. Children must learn to obey parents so that they will someday be able to obey God. That a spanking absolves guilt, and that in fact, a child will ask for a spanking or punishment to relieve his conscience. Not to mention all the times that I have heard parents claim omniscience and assume that they know exactly what is going through the heart, mind and emotions of the child. I believe that this is setting ourselves up as idols for our children--taking a position that should only belong to God.

It goes even further. Most parents are far more harsh and demanding than God is. First time obedience with a happy heart is very popular with them. God, on the other hand, was more concerned about real, from the heart obedience, even if it took awhile. Read the parable of the brothers in Matthew 21. Consider times when Abraham and other heroes of faith argued with God and it was accounted to them as righteousness. God actually had some pretty strong things to say about those who complied outwardly but whose hearts were far from Him. I believe that there is even a blessing in wrestling with God, in holding tight until we can choose Him without any reservations.

When we tell our children that they cannot be forgiven without a spanking or other punishment, we are clearly violating Scripture. We are forgiven through grace because of faith in Jesus--not because someone else punishes us. Yes, I know that many have made God into their own image and claim that He spanks us. I don't buy it. And, even if He did, my point here is that we are not God. He is all-knowing and just. We aren't. Vengeance belongs to God, not us. And He said and shows us that mercy triumphs over judgement. What message are we sending our children?

This applies to shaming, as well. It is one thing to teach our children about the consequences of their actions. It is quite another to try to induce feelings of guilt and repentance. Conviction comes through the Holy Spirit and leads to a wholehearted desire to make amends and change. If I try to heap shame on them and make them feel bad for mistakes, to force them to be sorry, I am not only getting in the way of that, but actually taking on the role of Satan--the Accuser. That is a sobering thought.

Another way that parents set themselves up as idols is through a pretense of perfection. I struggle. I make mistakes. And I need to be honest with my children about it. I apologize when I do something wrong (much more often than I wish!). I let them know when I make mistakes, and do my best to make amends.

Finally, we have the progression all wrong. Obedience is a result of relationship, not a prerequisite. As our children grow in grace and wisdom, the relationship and trust will produce the desire and confidence to listen to our instructions. Demanding compliance in the hopes that it will eventually allow them to earn a relationship with us is backwards. God lavished love on us even while we were sinners.

I want my children to worship God, not me. I don't want them to see me as the intermediary between them and God. I want them to know Him for themselves. To follow Him out of hearts full of love and trust. To repent from wrongdoing because they desire to do what is right, not because I have burdened them with shame and fear. I cannot, must not, set myself up as an idol to my children.

For My Friends with Weaning Regret

2012-01-19T13:44:00.000-08:00

When I post about breastfeeding older children, I expect criticism. Hate mail, even. What I didn't expect was to receive so many emails and comments from friends who regret weaning.

For many, it was a result of pregnancy. Either misinformation or lack of information about nursing during pregnancy. For others, it was simply too miserable to continue. Some had health reasons for stopping. Some found it too difficult to keep pumping. Some simply reached the point where they were done. The reasons are individual to each nursing dyad, but that doesn't make them invalid.

I want to make something clear. I don't blame you for weaning. I am not here to make you feel sad, or worse, like a lousy mom. You aren't.

You know why I post about the tender, mother-Mary-halo moments of breastfeeding? Sure, they are frequent and real. But I post about them so that I will remember and focus and not get overwhelmed by the teeth-clenching, stop-touching-me-PLEASE! moments. The moments when I am fed up with food allergies and just want to eat what I like FOR ONE FREAKIN' DAY! The moments when my toddler's latch got lazy again and I feel irritated and sore and will scream if she does that latch-and-lick-for-a-split-second one more time. Ahem.

Breastfeeding is wonderful, truly. Those blissful moments are real, too. But I don't want to romanticize the whole idea of breastfeeding into some soft-focus commercial of a gently smiling earth mama gazing tenderly at her newborn as the way it is all the time. That is *a* reality, but not *the* reality.

I love the idea of child led weaning or I wouldn't do it. But I don't think it is for everyone, and that is OK. I am not a better mom than anyone else because I breastfeed, although breastfeeding makes it easier for me to be a good mom.

Sometimes there are no easy choices. Sometimes we choose the less than ideal because it is still the best alternative. Sometimes we learn things later that we wish we had known then.

My goal is simply to do all I can to support moms and babies. I speak out a lot about nursing beyond infancy and tandem nursing because I think more people need to hear that it is normal.

One thing that has interested me is hearing from several moms who are interested in allowing their children to resume nursing after they have weaned for awhile. I admit, I don't know much about it, although I have heard some beautiful stories. I want to hear more! If you have had a nursling begin to nurse again after weaning, would you please share in the comments? My own daughter tried a few times after weaning, but was never able to latch again.

My favorite resources for breastfeeding are:
www.kellymom.com and their Facebook page
and of course, La Leche League

I also have some fabulous online communities where I can get encouragement and advice from other moms. You are a part of that. Thank you for being supportive of breastfeeding relationships. Regardless of whether you breastfed or not, or whatever age your child was at weaning, your attitude towards breastfeeding is making a difference in countless other moms and children. You may not see it, but I do. Thank you. You rock!

ETA: After posting, a friend of mine shared this story of coping with breastfeeding loss, and I was in awe of the wisdom, encouragement and support. Please read it. <3

What Will Weaning an Older Child Look Like?

2012-01-17T17:24:00.000-08:00

After about eight years of lactation, I get a lot of questions about weaning. However, three of my four kidlets are still nursing, and the one who did wean did so because she hated the taste of colostrum (she stopped nursing a few months after turning four). So I really don't feel particularly qualified to answer.

About a year ago I wrote a post on breastfeeding older children that remains the one with the highest number of views on my blog. Now that I might soon be nursing a six year old, I thought I would share my thoughts on our journey.

When I first embraced the idea of child led weaning, I told myself that I wasn't going to set a cut off point. But in my head, three or four sounded about right (this was, of course, after getting over the shocking idea of nursing past a year!). I had heard stats about an average age for weaning being around four years old, and I thought I could live with that.

So I nursed through one pregnancy, began tandem nursing, battled through nursing aversion and found my rhythm. My oldest weaned a couple of months before our third child was born. Those two months are the only time when my son was the only nursling! Tandeming was much easier the second time around, and we have been triandeming for a year and a half now.

I sort of expected my son to wean when he was four, but he didn't. Nor when he turned five. Now we are closing in on six, and I am wondering again just how long he will decide to nurse. The funny thing is that, for all I know, he may have weaned already.

My three year old still nurses at least once a day, the baby probably six or seven times, and my five year old about once every three or four weeks. Since nearly a month goes by between the times he asks to nurse, I wonder if he has already stopped or if in a week or two or four he will ask to nurse again.

By around two years or so, we are firmly in the don't ask, don't refuse stage. By three or so, I have been known to refuse if I was uncomfortable or tired. There have been many times when his sisters have already each nursed fully on their sides, and I have asked him to wait awhile. I have been glad to see his independence growing. I also have known/known of several others who weaned at six or seven years of age, including my father in law, a respected pastor. I can say with confidence that breastfeeding that long didn't cause any issues, and in fact contributed significantly to overall physical, mental and emotional health.

Many of our friends have had special celebrations, like a cake or weaning party to mark such a special milestone. Years ago, I thought that we would do that. But it seems to be working out as a much quieter, gradual process. I suspect that I won't really know for sure that he has weaned until I look back a few months later. Or, he may decisively determine that he is done. Who knows?

I am still wondering exactly what weaning an older child will look like. But mostly, I am just thankful that we have been able to share such a special time for these last six years. I don't know if he will remember it or not as he grows older, but I know that I will never forget the smile in his eyes as he nursed, the giggles from nursing his toys, the contentment of snuggling together and the full heart of my sweet little boy.

A Letter To My Divorced Friends

2012-01-10T17:36:00.000-08:00

Dear Ones,

You already know that I stink at small talk, so I'm just going to jump right to the heart of it. You are not a failure. I hurt for you, for all the things that you went through in the marriage. I am mourning with you the death of the dreams that you had when you first got married. I am sorry. And I applaud your courage for getting to a safe place.

Among all the platitudes in churchianity, the idea of a spouse who patiently endures has been romanticized until any truth was pretty much lost. It is a religious Barbie doll. I know you. I know that you did not take your marriage vows lightly. You didn't divorce him because he snored. When one partner has violated their vows and is abusing you (regardless of whether that abuse is blatant physical abuse or more subtle emotional abuse), that is what destroyed your marriage.

You did the right thing. If you had stayed, there is no way that you could ever have been *enough*. No amount of submission, of trying harder, of yielding your rights, would have made it right. What they were doing is blatant, unrepentant sin, and you are not called to enable that.

I am thankful that you didn't listen to the lie to stay for the kids. The truth is that your children learn what marriage looks like from you. They will internalize what they see and hear and sense. Even if you don't think that they are picking up on it, they are. For them and for any children yet to come, a healthy single parent is much better than two unhealthy parents.

I know that you have had it pounded into you that God hates divorce. What many Christians fail to explain with that is that divorce is more than a piece of paper. God doesn't gasp in shock and horror when a divorce is finalized because all of a sudden a marriage has been destroyed. He knows it was destroyed long before the papers were signed. He knows our thoughts, our innermost beings. He hates that echad is destroyed and broken. He hates that His precious daughters are hurt. He hates the lies, the crushing of heart and spirit, the anger, pride and cruelty of sin. He doesn't hate you, and He is not disappointed in you for not sticking it out and subjecting yourself and your children to more in hope that somehow, someday it would change--or even worse, falling prey to the idea that you deserve to be treated that way.

You are loved. Cherished. Wholly and completely. He will never abandon you, never stop loving you, never stop liking you. He delights in you, for exactly who you are. He will always keep His promises to you. He wants you. He enjoys you. Shame off you!

I love you and admire your strength and honesty. And I believe with all my heart that your future is full of hope, because I like who you are right now.

With all my love,
Dulce

I Gave Up Spiritual Mountain Climbing

2012-01-08T18:38:00.000-08:00

Image credit jfdervin on Flickr

God has been real to me since childhood. I can't remember a time when I didn't know He was there. Even as a child I knew He listened to my prayers. And I wanted so much to get to know Him better. I prayed. I read my Bible. My parents and grandparents were pastors, so church was a given. I soaked up teachings by Elisabeth Elliot and others. I meditated on large passages of Scripture in the best tradition of Bill Gothard. I read most of the books in the extensive libraries that my dad and grandpa kept--Bible stories, missionary biographies, devotionals, even theology books. They grounded my soul.

But going to camps and conferences and mission trips? That is when I soared. I started when I was about 10 or 11, I think. These were the old fashioned, Pentecostal-style church camps with at least two services a day, lengthy altar calls and emotions rising higher than the heat of an Oklahoma summer. By the second year, I knew the pattern well. The daytime services were usually just OK. Mildly boring sometimes, like most regular church services, or kind of dumbed down for kids.

The evening services were much more intense. The preaching was usually a bit livelier, the music a little more emotional. The altar services crescendoed from a few kids praying briefly the first night to hours-long sessions full of tears, manifestations of several different spiritual gifts, and the ultimate spiritual high by the last night. I didn't actually go to the camp from the Jesus Camp documentary, but I went to its country cousins, and in my teens I attended camps in Colorado with New Life Church (Ted Haggard was pastoring at that time) that had many of the same elements, but with a much more polished result.

If you haven't experienced it, no description can fully convey it. A large gathering of preteens and teens pouring their hearts out in worship, striving to enter more fully into the presence of God and doing anything they can to get to that spiritual mountain top. We would tearfully confess sins and repent. We begged for the Holy Spirit to fill us, for God to speak to us, to transform our hearts. And He did. We were sincere, and God met us in amazing ways. (And yes, there were also some pretty unhealthy things going on at times, too, but that is probably for another post).

We would come home with stars in our eyes, hearts vowing that we would keep the fire burning. We wouldn't let it die down until our hearts were lukewarm. We would pray and read our Bibles an hour each day. We would witness to all of our friends. We would destroy any rock music or anything else could cause our hearts to grow cold. But it didn't work.

Inevitably, the spiritual high would wear off. We would slip off that mountaintop. And then we would laboriously begin the climb again. The guilt was a heavy burden. Every trite, well-meaning cliche (God doesn't move away--if there is distance in your relationship, it must be your fault!), added another stone to the pack of shame and guilt. I would resolve to try harder. But there was a hollowness there. No matter how much I would strive, the emotional feelings just weren't the same.

I began a pattern of spiritual mountain climbing that would last for years--earnestly seeking a way to maintain the same high from the last camp or conference on mission trip, trying to recapture the ease of hearing God's voice, seeing His power, and feeling His heart beat.

What if it was never meant to be that hard?

I know we are called to seek Him with all our heart. I am not advocating lazy faith. I've simply learned to rest in His love. I am not afraid of His rejection anymore. I don't have to be enough, because Jesus is. I always believed that about salvation, but not about actually living life as a Christian. I kind of saw it as Jesus paying the down payment, but I was obligated for the periodic payments from that point. And I gauged how well it was working by the consistency of the peaks.

Funnily enough, I still experience those mountaintop moments. Even more often than before. In prayer time in the middle of the night as I nurse a sleepy baby. In the frazzled moments when I am losing my temper and suddenly breathe in peace. When I feel His smile as we talk about the day. In that perfect tingly buzz of transcendent worship. When we catch our breath at the lovely colors of His sunset sky-paintings, or the clouds that are the dust of His feet. When I hear His whisper in Scripture. When I pray.

The emotions haven't disappeared at all. But they aren't my altimeter, measuring how far I have climbed. They aren't something I try to reach for. They are just nice. If they aren't there, I am not wracked by guilt or fear or shame. It isn't an endeavor. It is just mercy, grace and relationship that is made up of every moment of everyday. I gave up spiritual mountain climbing, but somehow, the view is even better from here.

Saturday Evening Blog Post--January 2012

2012-01-07T07:49:00.000-08:00

I am very excited to participate in the Saturday Evening Blog Post with Elizabeth Esther this month. The first Saturday of every month, she invites bloggers to share their favorite post from the previous month. I decided to share one of the more, ahem, provocative posts for last month--God Gave You a Clitoris For a Reason from the Sex Ed in a Christian Home series. I believe that this is a message that our kids need to hear from us, not from TV, advertising or other sources that will twist God's design,

Head on over and check out some of the other posts. I have already found a couple of great reads and some new blogs to follow. :) I love the courage and grace that Elizabeth Esther has demonstrated regarding the Pearl's teachings, and her blog is always inspiring. <3 Don't forget to fan her Facebook page, too!

Wifely Submission, Part III: The Fall

2012-01-04T12:25:00.000-08:00

Image credt Cliff1066 on Flickr

Part I and Part II talked a little bit about God's original design. The Biblical account of creation paints a picture of the husband and wife as members of an equal team. Both were made in God's image, both were given dominion over creation. The Biblical term for Eve is that of "ezer kenegdo"--an equal, opposing power; a valiant ally who meets her husband face to face with a shared vision.

Then sin entered the picture, and distorted everything, especially marriage relationships. Eve was deceived and listened to the Serpent. Adam went along with it, then started shifting blame to Eve when God confronted them. Then comes the curse on the ground and the Serpent, and God explains what some of the ramifications will be: much harder work for everyone. Men will have to work much harder in the fields, women will have to work much harder in childbirth (it is exactly the same word as used to describe Adam's toil--there is no mention of pain in the original). And they will have to work harder in marriage, as well--now man (who wouldn't even accept responsibility for his own choice to eat the fruit) is going to take over woman's choices and rule over her.

There is a very interesting discrepancy in the interpretation of these verses. Many view the idea of man ruling over woman as a command. I have even heard some claim that women should never have epidurals or other forms of anesthesia during childbirth because it would be avoiding the pain. Somehow, though, I have never heard of anyone teach that men should never use any tools or machinery that might make farming easier. Regardless of their views on wifely submission, all the guys I know seem to feel no pangs of conscience whatsoever at using tools of any sort that make their lives easier. Even--gasp--riding lawnmowers! Oh, the depravity!

Isn't one as ridiculous as the other?

Seriously, though, we are left with an extremely important question. Despite the results of the the Fall, we are Christians, redeemed from the Curse. With all of the other horrible distortions in our world created by sin--such as sickness of both soul and body--we feel justified in fighting against the darkness. Christians are taught to pray for healing, and to seek health and restoration. Why then would we believe that we should fight to uphold and strengthen sickness in marriage relationships? Why should we want to further the results of the curse in our lives?

What does the rest of the Bible say?

Opening Up the GD Toolbox: Big Emotions

2012-01-03T17:23:00.000-08:00

Image credit david shankbone on Flickr

One of the most revolutionary aspects of gentle discipline in my life is learning that happy isn't the only acceptable emotion. Consider the rather ridiculous contortions most of us have gone through at one point or another to get a child to stop crying--everything from callous dismissal (That didn't hurt. You're fine.) to shaming (Don't be a baby! You're too big to make such a fuss. Look at so-and-so: he's not crying!) to outright threats or bribes (Stop or I'll give you something to cry about! Here, sweetie, it's OK--let's go get a cookie.). Regardless, the message is pretty clear. Our society only wants quiet smiles (even happy can quickly get too boisterous for our liking!).

This is unhealthy and inauthentic--carried too far and we become dishonest and emotionally crippled. But at the same time, we want to teach our children healthy ways of expressing their feelings that won't result in harm to people or property, and to demonstrate self-control. It isn't impossible, but it does take awareness, empathy and intentional teaching.

First of all, we must listen. The real need behind our child's behavior is to be understood. And most of us will try harder and harder to express ourselves if we aren't being heard. Even if your child is nonverbal, doing the best you can to convey understanding (without feeding drama) is essential.

We need to be able to recognize different emotions and label them for our children. It is important for them to have words to describe their feelings. We may start with just a few basics, like happy, sad, angry, scared, frustrated, but I think we should give them as many precise words as we can.

Image credit apdk on Flickr

Nonviolent Communication lists nearly three pages worth of feelings. Some of the emotions we feel when our needs are being met are: absorbed, adventurous, affectionate, amused, animated, appreciative, blissful, buoyant, calm, carefree, cheerful, comfortable, confident, contented, curious, delighted, eager, encouraged, exultant, fascinated, friendly, fulfilled, gleeful, gratified, interested, jubilant, mirthful, refreshed, relaxed, relieved, satisfied, secure, tender, trusting, zestful.

When our needs are not being met, we might feel: afraid, aggravated, agitated, angry, anguished, ashamed, bewildered, confused, cross, dejected, disappointed, edgy, embarrassed, exasperated, exhausted, fidgety, forlorn, frustrated, furious, heavy, helpless, horrified, jealous, lonely, mad, miserable, mopey, nervous, overwhelmed, resentful, sad, troubled, upset, weary, worried.

Even the most accurate words are not always enough when you are in the grip of an intense emotion, though. I speak two languages and still have difficulty articulating my deepest feelings! It is unrealistic and unhelpful to always expect children to "use their words". Sometimes we have to use our whole bodies.

Image credit waponi on Flickr

Dances are a brilliant way to convey emotion. They might do a wild dance with exuberant twirls and jumps. Perhaps an angry dance with lots of stomping and arms swinging. A sad, swaying dance. Often my kidlets ask to play the pushing game. Jumping on a trampoline, punching a pillow or bag, or running around might help to channel some excess tension.

When my daughter was going through an anxious time, it helped her to be able to squeeze her palms together or press them against her knees as part of a calm-down ritual. Sometimes just have a couple of familiar steps can be very soothing: a deep breath, squeezing palms, a cup of tea.

I want my children to feel free to seek connection with us when a feeling is too big for them. As a huge introvert who often prefers to be alone, though, I respect their desires. Setting up a comfort corner where they can cool off or retreat and relax in can be extremely helpful. A nice beanbag or favorite pillows, maybe a little hideaway where they don't feel scrutinized, or even a warm bubble bath can provide a chance to unwind.

Do you have little artists? Let them go to work with fingerpaints or other materials to show you exactly what they are thinking and feeling! If they are old enough to write, they may want to pour out words in a journal or letter.

This next part may seem like a bit of a tangent, but it is important: fear exacerbates all other big feelings. One of the toughest jobs (at least for me--I am a bit of a coward here) is teaching them how to create and maintain boundaries, and backing them up while they do it. If someone has wronged them, they may need your help in navigating appropriate ways to respond.

For parents, the easy way out is to suggest that the child "forgive" and pretend it didn't happen. That protects us from any messy confrontation. The problem? At best, it is damaging. It prevents our children from learning healthy ways to deal with conflict. At worst? It is devastating when our children absorb the message that we would rather have other people mistreat them than face any discomfort. I'll spell it out further: I have heard personally from several adults who were sexually abused as children and never even told their parents because they were afraid of being rude or believed that their parents would side with the abuser. Please, please, take them seriously and teach them how to courteously but firmly stand up for themselves. Back them up, even in little things, so that they will trust you with the big ones.

Finally, the most important way that we can equip our children to deal with their intense emotions is by letting them see how we handle our own. Be honest about what you are feeling. Even if you have to coach yourself through a response aloud, let them here what you are doing and why. Consider carefully the tools that you use for yourself (and if you need to add or discard any), and show them what healthy emotional responses look like.

I confess, there are days when this seems pretty daunting to me. I am still learning so much, and so often I fall short. But seeing us make mistakes and learn from them, and how we gently correct ourselves is vital. They will make mistakes, too, and will also learn from us how to treat themselves when that happens. Should they mentally flog themselves, or thoughtfully consider how to make things better?

Big emotions are challenging at any age, and the truth is that many of us are still learning how best to handle them. By working consciously with our children, we can give them a stronger, healthier emotional foundation. That is one of the greatest legacies I can imagine.

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Image credit goaliej54 on Flickr

The Not So Top 10

2011-12-31T08:12:00.000-08:00

For a couple of years, I only had about 12 regular blog readers (and I am so grateful for you! You are beloved friends who helped me to keep writing.). Then things took off this last year, thanks to the generosity of some of my fellow bloggers. I am so honored by all of the blog views and comments--you all rock! And I wanted to share a few posts that I like, even though they are not the most commonly viewed ones. They were all written before 2011, so I am hoping that you may find some that you haven't seen. :)

1. Shame Off You!

2. My Favorite Perfume

3. Languages of Love and Punishment

4. Jesus Wept

5. Why Christians Should Breastfeed in Public

6. Scrubbing Toesies in Foreign Languages

7. Shall We Dance?

8. Is it Ever Bad to Be Polite?

9. Misadventures in Parking

10. His Banner Over Us is Love

In Defense of Kreeaytiff Nayemz and Youkneec Spellings

2011-12-30T17:14:00.000-08:00

Image credit suvodeb on Flickr

Confession is good for the soul, so I am going to let you in on a secret. I think that unusual names and nontraditional spellings are cool. Why is this a confession, you ask? After all, the people I spend time with are pretty tolerant, by and large. We make choices that are a bit outside of the mainstream and look at the world though our own individual lenses. So it never fails to surprise me when I see posts mocking unusual names or non-traditional spellings. I am not talking about parents naming their kids something degrading, like Poopy. And, of course, some of the criticism is gentle ribbing, noting the poster's accidental flubbing of pronunciation. But a surprising amount comes across as a bit malicious, and I just don't get it.

I'll acknowledge up front that I am biased. My own name, although common in Mexico, is very unusual here. Few people get it right on the first try. I have been called everything from Dooley to Doushay (yeah, really) and pretty much anything else that has any part of Dulce in it. We used to get telemarketers calling for Dulcky. I get that it can be aggravating for both sides to have a name that isn't easily pronounced on the first try.

And yes, I remember feeling disappointed at times when I couldn't find mass-market personalized items when I was a child. But that was a fleeting thing

Even more, though, I remember vigorously nodding along as my favorite literary heroine insisted that "Anne-with-an-e" looked much better than "Ann", that a "K" was much more alluring than a smug-looking "C" and that she could see all the sharp angles and corners in a "W" when it was spoken.

I feel the pleasure of recognition when someone recalls my name or makes the effort to pronounce it correctly.

I am also a teacher who learns a large number of names every semester, and it is actually very nice to see or hear names that stand out a bit. I find that they stay in my mind much more readily than common names with conventional spellings. I always ask my students to introduce themselves as they prefer to be addressed in the beginning, and it is never a problem.

Names are important. We thought and prayed long and hard before choosing our childrens' names. We gave careful consideration to the meanings behind them, how they would come across in both Spanish and English, and yes, even to the spellings. And although none of them are in recent top 10 lists, none are particularly unusual. But each of their names beautifully reflects the child. They have made their names even more lovely to me because now I see them when I hear that name. And that is every bit as true for kids with creative spellings or simply unusual names.

Whatever names you have given your children, however you have chosen to spell them, I celebrate the meaning, beauty and uniqueness of your child. Of you. Of your own way of seeing things and the way that is highlighted in the way you address your child. And I believe that other people will, too. (If you have gotten the argument that your child won't be taken seriously with an unusual name, let me say that in my experience, true leaders are open to innovation and creativity and are unlikely to judge your child negatively).

Please give your child a name that reflects how you see him or her. One that speaks a blessing over your child each time you say it. One that demonstrates exactly who your child is called to be. You and your children are one of a kind. It is OK if your names show that. I will be cheering for you. And I will have the courtesy to learn how to pronounce it and spell it correctly. :)

Wifely Submission, part II: Before the Fall

2011-12-27T16:17:00.000-08:00

Once I began to re-examine everything I thought I knew about wifely submission, I went all the way back to the creation account in Genesis. It was puzzling to find some things that were seemingly ignored, and other things that I thought were there required a broad ability to read into things, to say the least.

First of all, Genesis 1:27 proclaims that both men and women are created in God's image. Stop and think about that for a moment. Women are created in the image of God. Not men are created in the image of God and women are an afterthought. God is not a man. Sure, we use masculine pronouns to refer to Him and His physical body was male, but He is Spirit. The Bible uses unmistakeably feminine imagery to describe God in several places--talking about the God who danced in the act of giving birth to us, giving images of us nursing at God's breast. In fact, the name El Shaddai can be a reference to God's breast nurturing us.

(The song is not totally relevant, but I love it, so I am including it anyway. Bonus :)

I had been taught that the very order of creation demonstrated the hierarchical nature of God's design: Man was created first, then woman. Of course, if you are determined to find significance there, animals were created before man, and I have never heard anyone claim that the Bible teaches that people were under the authority of animals.

But what about the fact that woman was made as a "helper"? We tend to think of a helper as a subordinate. Surely that means that woman is meant to be under the authority of man, right? Except that the Bible frequently uses the same word to describe God. He is our help, our strength, our power. Nowhere is it ever implied that God is under our authority!

The Hebrew phrase that is used to describe Eve is 'ezer kenegdo'. Far from being a term of inferiority or even subordination, this is a phrase that emphasizes equality of position. The 'ezer' part is that of strength, help and power. 'Kenegdo' refers to being face to face. It can even mean opposition! Looking at this from Hebrew makes it clear that man and woman are a team. Woman is a source of strength and help, and if necessary, can be help that opposes--one who helps stand in the way and opposes a wrong direction. I love Crystal Lutton's descriptions, "a valiant ally", one who is "face to face with a shared vision."

It is clear that before sin entered into the picture, God's design was for man and woman to complete each other, to rule together. Both were created in His image, and there is no hierarchy between them. Then what happened? The Fall. That messed up everything, including God's design for relationships. But His desire, design and purpose, don't seem to include a hierarchy in marriage. Did that ever change?

To be continued

Wifely Submission, part I

2011-12-26T11:00:00.000-08:00

Do I have a rebellious, Jezebel spirit?

Growing up, I secretly feared that I would never find a man to marry. I was saturated with the teachings of Elisabeth Elliot, Bill Gothard, et al on wifely submission, authority and gender roles. I understood without a doubt that I would need to be a submissive wife. The problem? Finding a guy I would be willing to submit to. Even with ones that I liked a lot and was very attracted to, I knew that I could not joyfully trust them to make the final decision on something if we disagreed.

I have always been one to choose truth over relationship. I knew that if my own relationship with God and my own intelligence were leading me one way and my husband disagreed that I would have a very hard time submitting. I certainly couldn't see myself doing it in the prescribed method of a cheerful attitude and docile respect. No, I was honest enough with myself to realize it would be with me digging my heels in and arguing all the way.

I tried really, really hard to believe all of the teachings that I was given. My mother reminded me countless times that I had to respect the husband's position of authority and his right and responsibility to exercise it, even if I didn't feel respect for the person or the decision itself. I knew Gothard's teaching that the one under authority could make a Godly appeal. If it was denied, she could suffer for doing right (of course, this only applied if what the husband was requiring of her was blatant sin, not mere stupidity). Otherwise she should cheerfully submit and be confident that somehow, even if the husband made a bad decision, her submission would be counted as righteousness and God would bring some good of it.

My doubts persisted. Carlos was the first and only man I met who I trusted enough to think that I would be able to submit. To my surprise, he believed that the Bible taught mutual submission, and that we were to submit to each other. HUH? That was the beginning into a deeper look at what the Bible really teaches about wifely submission. What I found shocked me.

To be continued.

Image credit: x-ray delta one on Flickr

Was Jesus Married? Some thoughts by Samuel Martin

2011-12-24T06:28:00.000-08:00

I am honored to share an interesting look at the question of Jesus' relationships on earth by Samuel Martin. Sam is the author of Thy Rod and Thy Staff They Comfort Me: Christians and the Spanking Controversy and a wonderful advocate for loving and grace-filled family relationships. Check out his blog and his web site. :)

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As far as we know from the Bible, Jesus was not married. There is no specific text that someone can point to and say: “Here it is. This proves Jesus was married.” To say he was married is speculative to be sure. I believe that our Lord was not married and I think there are many proofs that one can point to that show this to be the case. I am working to get all these ideas together and write a serious research study on this subject. It is an extremely topical subject these days.

I have been working on this issue in the back of my mind for years, but now I am starting to get my thoughts down on paper. I will keep you posted on the progress of the larger work as it comes together. This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to answering this question about Jesus and His experience in the flesh.

In that larger work, I will devote considerable space to some pretty involved arguments in favor of Christ being single. As an example, I want to point to one statement made by Christ Himself and its place in the historical context of that period. I believe that it relates to this issue of Him being single. Let’s look at it:

“And seeing a crowd about him, Jesus commanded to depart unto the other side. And one scribe came to him and said, Teacher, I will follow you where ever you go. And Jesus said to him, The foxes have holes, and the birds have nests; but the Son of Man has not where to lay his head.” (Matthew 8:18-20)

Now, this passage is one we find in Matthew. Matthew is a book written from a decidedly Hebraic orientation. That means that the culture of the book, its themes, style, and tone is really oriented to Hebraic thinking and if we keep this in mind when reading this book, it will help us to understand it better. [Note: Of late, I have been doing research in Matthew and have been amazed at the things that I have seen – very exciting ideas to help show us just who Christ was and how He really relates well to humanity as that “Suffering Servant” of Isaiah 53. Will be having much more to say on this going forward as I do more research.]

Now, getting back to the passage, Jesus seems to quite clearly state that He at that moment in time, using His own comparison logically, did not have a residence, as did those animals. Now, maybe He did have a home in (or near) Nazareth, but are we sure He did? How can we know? Isn’t it interesting that while Christ was just near death, He said: “When Jesus therefore saw His mother, and the disciple standing by whom He loved, He said to his mother, Woman, behold, your son! Then said he to the disciple. Behold, your mother! And from that hour the disciple took her unto his own home.” (John 19:26,27) [Note: In the Greek language, the word “home” does not appear, but we understand it from the context that Mary was now to be reckoned as the mother of that disciple and he was to be her son and this meant that she would now be living with him.]

Perhaps after that time referenced in Matthew, Christ and His mother may have had to abandon their home wherever it was due to the fear they had of people seeking to kill Him. Note that after the raising of Lazarus from the dead, Christ retreated to near the border of Samaria (John 11:54) because of a fear of being caught and killed. Had He had a stable residence, at that time, it would not have been safe to go there for fear of being apprehended. By Jesus’ retreat to near the border of Samaria, He may have been positioning himself near that area in case He needed to flee into Samaria quickly. Rousseau in the book “Jesus and His World” mentions this exact point in the article on Ephraim which John 11:54 mentions. (p.87)

Now, this passage in Matthew has that Hebraic orientation that I talked about and we in fact know that the ancient Hebrews had some teachings about married life, housing and the role that having a home and a family played in ones life. They have left us some very interesting quotes to consider which not only bear on the passage in Matthew 8, but also concern the issue of whether or not Jesus was married. Note the following:

“From Deuteronomy 20:5 the Talmud derives the lesson: ‘The Torah teaches the correct procedure: a man should first build a house, then plant a vineyard, and after that marry.’” (Sotah 44a)” (Cohen, Everyman’s Talmud, pg. 162)

This procedure is quite good advice really and we note it even today here in Jerusalem. It is very common for men here today to have to provide the means to marry. A home, a car, holding down a good job, being able to provide for a family, etc. Without these things being in place, men just do not marry and women will not think of marrying someone who cannot provide these necessities. Generally speaking, their families will not allow it or will frown on it strongly and put pressure on a girl to either wait until the man is in a better position to provide these things or urge her to move one to someone else.

We can consider this issue when looking back on that passage in Matthew where Jesus indicates that He, at that time, did not have a place to rest his head. If He did not have a stable home, there is almost no conceivable way that He could have been married. It would seemingly have been a violation of the cultural norms at that time.

Cohen also continues with the very interesting following statement:

“A wife meant a home; hence the saying, ‘a man’s home is his wife’ (Yoma 1.1), and Rabbi Jose said, ‘Never have I called my wife by that word (e.g. – He never spoke of his wife as “his wife”), but always ‘my home.’ (Shab.118b).” (ibid.)

This is a lovely and deserved tribute to the wife of Rabbi Jose. It is a bit poetic and Middle Eastern culture is prone to such speech. Even today, I am always happy to hear my brother in law talking to his wife calling her “Ruhi,” (my spirit), or “Elbi, (my heart) or “Umri,” (my life). Makes my own “honey’s” and “darlings” seem a bit lacking certainly poetically speaking. Having said that, what we are talking about here really are terms which denote and point to a oneness relationship that loving married couples feel for one another.

These types of terms are used quite commonly even today and we can see from the Rabbi’s statement, he chose to call his wife “Beti” (my home). To him, having a wife was synonymous with having a home. The two were inseparable.

Now, once again consider that passage from Matthew in light of this statement. Jesus said he did not have a home at that time. Chances are that if he did not have a stable home, He also did not have a wife either and, of course, it goes without saying that this meant that Jesus would identify strongly with those who never knew the warm lovely marital embrace that married couples share, enjoy and engage in with the view to creating a family.

This was a part of God’s plan for Christ to experience not the best that humanity has to offer (which marriage, a family, children, a home and the loving warm embrace of that special someone). No! Christ came to earth to experience the worst that humanity has to offer.

He was born in ignominy, grew up as a tender plant, like a root out of a dry ground (Isaiah 53), must have been teased as a kid because people knew of the supposed ‘situation’ surrounding His birth, was not attractive (ibid), was sickly (ibid. and Luke 4:23), was poor, was rejected by His local community, was persecuted, and finally was killed in a most heinous painful way. This, of course, He did for you and I and went through these experiences bearing the sins of the world, not only the day He died, but throughout his whole life (Matthew 8:17).

Can you imagine how He must have felt going to weddings? Seeing the love of those who were soon to be married and to enter the grace of life together? Knowing that He would never have children or have the feeling of one’s own child saying “Abba”? Pretty hard stuff in a culture where the very first commandment of all is “be fruitful and multiply.”

Summing Up

When we look at that previously referenced passage in Matthew in light of some of these ideas, we can see that if Jesus was married, he was certainly operating outside of the some of the cultural norms of that period. This is just one point to consider when we are asking the question of whether or not our Lord was married. I will bring out more research on this issue in the near future. I look forward very much to your comments and feedback.

Biography of Samuel Martin

Samuel Martin was born in England and is the youngest child of Dr. Ernest L. and Helen R. Martin, who are both Americans. He lived in the UK for the first seven years of his life before moving to the USA with his family at age seven. He lived in the USA until 2001 when he married a native Israeli and relocated to live in Jerusalem. He and his wife, Sonia, have two daughters.

His experience with biblical scholarship began at an early age. His father, Dr. Ernest L. Martin (1932-2002), initiated a program in conjunction with Hebrew University and Prof. Benjamin Mazar, where over a five year period, some 450 college students came to work on an archaeological excavation in Jerusalem starting in 1969 (See Time Magazine, September 3, 1973, article ˝Digging for Credit.). Since that first trip, Samuel has visited Israel on 14 different occasions living more than five years of his life in the country. He has toured all areas of Israel as well as worked in several archaeological excavations.

Besides his experiences in his youth, he also worked on an excavation in northern. Israel under the supervision of Dr. Eilat Mazar of Hebrew University in Jerusalem and participated in a survey in the Judean Desert related to the Dead Sea Scrolls under the guidance of Dr. Robert Eisenman (CSU, Long Beach and author of "James, the brother of Jesus - Viking Penguin: 1997) and Dr. James D. Tabor (UNC, Charlotte and author of The Jesus Dynasty - Simon and Schuster: 2006).

His interests include social studies and the Bible, Hebrew studies and science as it relates to the Bible. He holds a B.A. degree with a special focus on Middle Eastern studies from Portland State University in Oregon. He was raised in an environment of high level Biblical scholarship. His father held a MA in Theology and a Ph.D. in Education and he is well known for his work concerning the Nativity of Jesus Christ (see Elwell, Dictionary of Evangelical Theology, article, Nativity of Jesus Christ or see www.hillsdale.edu/imprimis/1996/Dec96Imprimis.pdf) plus many other books and publications on the Bible.

It is Not My Job to Persuade Her Not to Spank

2011-12-14T11:30:00.000-08:00

Image credit michelle brunner on Flickr

My dreams rarely make sense, but last night, they did. I was back where I started first making the decision to turn away from spanking. I was earnestly trying to explain to some parents of my K -12 students why we no longer supported corporal punishment. I pulled out my copy of Thy Rod and Thy Staff They Comfort Me: Christians and the Spanking Controversy by Sam Martin, only to see that someone had doodled all over the covers. I recognized the handwriting as someone close to me in real life who doesn't get our decision at all. In the dream, as I flipped through my book, I was dismayed by all the damage, but I soon realized that it was only on the outside. The person to whom I had lent the book had never even read it. She had simply used the covers for scratch paper.

We have had so many conversations about this. And to be perfectly honest, not very grace-filled ones. I get so incredibly frustrated that no matter how many times we have discussed it, each time seems as if we are starting from scratch. Any of the documented negative consequences of spanking and all research are ignored. The sexual damage that spanking can cause is met with shock and disbelief. Pleas to examine the Scripture are shut down because the Bible must always say exactly what a person from our culture casually skimming the KJV.

Her side of it consists of the exact same arguments. She praises pro-spanking authors like Dobson and Gothard for all of the great good they have done for families. She reiterates that spanking is only harmful if done in anger. She brings out the instant obedience in the face of danger argument. If the conversation is still going at this point, she will add that my kids don't always obey, with the implication that whatever I am doing isn't working perfectly, and maybe they need a good old fashioned spanking. She argues that God spanks us.

Why do we even bother to have this conversation? Partly because each time she would give the appearance of listening and a degree of openness, and promise to read more links and info if I would send them. Partly because her approval matters to me. Partly because our relationship is close, and this issue is so important to me that I want it to be important to her, too. Partly because I am stubborn and get tunnel vision all too often. Partly because we are family, and have long established patterns that we still fall into even after recognizing that they aren't healthy or beneficial. Partly because I wanted so much to think that if I somehow said the magic words they would sink in. Because I wanted to believe that deep down, her defense of spanking was really protesting too much--that she didn't fully believe all the things she was saying and that a part of her didn't want to spank but was simply parroting all the things she has been taught.

Somehow, the dream made clear to me what any outsider would have seen long before: she really does believe what she is saying. She genuinely believes that spanking is beneficial, and any pretense of being interested in alternatives or reasons why spanking is harmful is simply misguided courtesy. She will doodle on the covers of my beliefs regarding spanking because she has no desire to delve into the book, and doesn't really consider it important to begin with.

I am slow sometimes. When it comes to strangers, I am quick to remind myself that I don't have to persuade them. I cannot be the Holy Spirit to someone else. Whacking people over the head with our views is rarely productive. I know all this. But I forget so easily, especially when it comes to family.

Frankly, the bean dip approach is not who I am. I don't think it will ever come naturally, because as much as I loathe confrontation, I blurt and feel compelled to talk back, even when my brain is shaking its head no. I fully believe that there are times when we are called to speak up, particularly on issues like spanking when the victims have no power to speak for themselves. But maybe, just maybe, there are also times when we are called to let go of things that were never our right or responsibility, like changing someone else's mind. So I am not going to stop blogging about spanking or gentle discipline. But in this particular relationship, I am purposing to let go of the compulsion to convince her (and I am blogging about it to help me remember). It is not my job to persuade her not to spank.

It Came Upon a Midnight Clear

2011-12-08T07:31:00.000-08:00

Image credit blockedroad on Flickr

I don't need a personality test to tell me that I am an introvert with a capital I. Sadly, the holiday season has no respect for that whatsoever. Part of me loves getting to spend time with people that I don't normally get to see. But I have never been a fan of crowds, and within seconds, I start feeling overwhelmed. Physically I am fine, but the part of me that is me can't breathe. As a child, I would always slip away with a book. Now, I close my eyes and inwardly flash back to a very special holiday night. It was one of those seemingly insignificant moments that stick in our minds and draw us back over and over. Like snowcream, it brings a bit of sweet coolness to an overheated day.

I was gearing up for finals, and for some reason that I've forgotten (if I ever knew it), I spent the evening with some acquaintances instead of studying. If I had been with some friends, it would have been great. The people I was with were nice, but we had nothing in common, and I felt out of place. We ended up in a horribly stuffy smoke-filled room where I watched the people around me drink and play pool (I do neither, and it wasn't a particularly entertaining spectator sport). It was so crowded it could induce claustrophobia. I had a headache from the cigarette smoke and was starting to have an asthma attack, and the overworked heater in there was making me feel feverish, so I slipped out for a few minutes and walked to a nearby cafe.

As soon as the door closed behind me, I could suddenly breathe. The cacophony was cut off, the air was delightfully clean and crisp, the sky was the deep cobalt of a clear winter evening, and the heavenly hosts were dancing. It was glorious. I felt such a peace and stillness inside. I knew I was in God's presence. I had a lovely walk to the cafe and was warmed on the way back with a rich white chocolate mocha.

That's it. No deep revelation, exactly, but ever since that night I've been able to close my eyes and take a deep breath and feel the stillness of that moment, the quiet in my soul. It is a moment I will be reliving many times in the next few weeks.

Defiance and the Thought Police

2011-12-07T08:34:00.000-08:00

I am sure that the look on her face means defiance!

Of all the things that disturb me about punitive parenting, one of the most deeply alarming is the elevation of parents to prison guards over their child's emotions. It isn't enough to punish physical disobedience--tangible action or inaction. Fear of The Defiance Boogeyman means that parents must scrutinize every nuance in posture, voice and facial expressions for rebellion. If they perceive defiance [disagreement], the child deserves a spanking.

We need to re-examine the whole idea of defiance. The punitive experts demand spanking for it. Parents say they know it when they see it. According to several dictionaries, defiance is open resistance, bold disobedience or a reckless challenge. In application, though, it does not have to be nearly as flagrant as that. Somehow it becomes daring to feel or think anything in disagreement to the parent. It doesn't even have to be deliberately disrespectful in any way. Just different. In essence, kids get spanked for not feeling or thinking the same as their parents.

It doesn't even have to be conscious. Any body language that indicates stress, tension, or heaven forbid, dissent, also becomes defiance. For many parents it is the look in their child's eye. My mom would become infuriated when my left eye would begin to squint a little. She considered it defiance. I was so confused and frightened by this, because it was something I was not even aware of until I looked in a mirror once. Even then, I couldn't always control it. If I am very tense, my facial muscles on that side contract so that my left eye looks smaller. It still happens as an adult, but now I can't be punished for it.

Michael Pearl gives numerous nauseating examples of hitting children so that they will be cheerful. In chapter 13 of To Train Up a Child, he explains:

"Bad attitude is pure bad. For as a child "thinketh in his heart, so is he (Prov. 23: 7)." "Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life (Prov. 4:23)." If a child shows the least displeasure in response to a command or duty, it should be addressed as disobedience. If a child sticks out his lip, you should focus your training on his bad attitude. The wrong slant of the shoulders reveals a bad frame of mind. Consider this a sign to instruct, train or discipline. A cheerful, compliant spirit is the norm. Anything else is a sign of trouble." [Note: in Pearlspeak, instruction, training and discipline all mean spanking with some type of stick].

The wrong slant of the shoulders deserves a spanking. For other authors, it not not pasting on a convincing smile. (Because if they don't obey all the way, right away and with a smile, it isn't true obedience!) How many four year olds, let alone toddlers, (and Pearl recommends hitting seven month old babies with a switch for fussing) have the physical awareness to even realize that their shoulder position or involuntary facial expressions are wrong, let alone the control to prevent it? Nearly every child I know who has been spanked has similar stories of being hit for "defiance" that they were unaware of even expressing.

Here is the issue. Spanking or otherwise punishing a child for something as subjective and nebulous as defiant posture or expressions means that you are spanking them for a feeling, not an action. This goes far beyond the issue of ordinary obedience and respect for parents to punishing a child for thoughts and emotions.

The child is left with two options: lie convincingly or never question anything internally, not even to understand it better. After all, delayed obedience isn't really obedience according to these guys (whose Bibles all mysteriously omit Jesus' parable of the two brothers in Mt 21). Over years of practice, both options are exceedingly dangerous. You wind up with a compulsive people pleaser who will lie convincingly without qualm or someone who believes everything and never thinks for himself.

Courtesy is important, sure. Children need to learn to express disagreement respectfully. However, that is a complex social skill with delicate nuance. Most adults still struggle to do this successfully. It is going to take considerable practice, teaching and perhaps scripting for a small child to be able to perform courteous disagreement, and punishing them for not getting it perfect is tantamount to punishing a toddler for not acing an algebra exam.

Yet even respect is not enough for many parents who have bought into the defiance boogeyman. It becomes a dangerous pride issue. For them, regardless of how respectfully dissent is presented, the mere existence of beliefs or feelings contrary to the parent are labeled defiance. Consider--is your child allowed to express disagreement without retaliation? What would be necessary for it to be acceptable? Are they allowed to feel angry? Frustrated? Upset in any way? Can they show it? Or must they pretend to be calm and cheerful?

Becoming another person's thought police or emotional prison guard is only about control. God does not give us the authority to control another individuals thoughts or feelings. A child is not required to obey you if you are asking them to sin. And this kind of parenting is definitely asking them to sin. Parents who do this are seeking to be an idol. They are claiming the place of God in their child's life. They are grasping at privileges that God does not even take for Himself!

Over and over in the Bible, God's people poured out their hearts to Him even when it was messy. They were honest with themselves and with God. They even talked back and argued, and there were times when God counted that as righteousness. He doesn't demand that we lie and pretend to follow Him. In fact, hypocrisy seems to bother Him far more than questions or even emotional outbursts.

I would plead with all parents who punish their children for defiance to instead examine their own hearts. Is your pride motivating you? Fear? Desire for control? How is your attitude compatible with the Fruit of the Spirit? With James 3:17? With Ephesians 6:4, Colossians 3:21, I Corinthians 13? Rather than searching for splinters in the eyes of our children, we need to deal with the logs in our own eyes. Then we can see more clearly to teach, and may discover that much of what we thought was defiance was simply our own greedy pride.

There is an interesting thread on how to deal with defiance here. I agree with many of the posters who state that in practice, it doesn't really make a difference whether my children are inwardly defiant or not, because the response will always be to teach. I don't have to claim to know what is in my child's heart and punish it (doesn't the Bible say that we don't always even know our own hearts, let alone someone else's?). Instead, I have to model and teach the attitudes that I want to see.

Finally, we know that children learn best by example ("Be imitators of me like beloved children"). If we are rude, disrespectful and arrogant in our attitudes toward our children, how can we have any right to expect their attitudes toward us to be any different? "Do to others as you would have them do to you" does not have an exemption if the "others" are children.

We are not called to police the thoughts and emotions of our children, to force their feelings underground, or to exact vengeance if they do not cater to our pride. Instead, we called to teach them in love, gentleness and humility so that they will be able to find healthy and acceptable ways to express their God given individuality.

Sex Ed in a Christian Home: God Gave You a Clitoris For a Reason

2011-12-02T08:33:00.000-08:00

Image credit Leo Reynolds on Flickr

How is that for a provocative title? LOL. But it is true, and frequently overlooked when parents teach their kids about sex. And yet, I believe that teaching them this is every bit as important (maybe even more so) than teaching them about the mechanics of sex. Think about it--all of the other body parts associated with sex have other functions, as well. But the only reason women have a clitoris is for pleasure. That is pretty profound. The inescapable conclusion is that God wants it to feel good.

But do we really need to teach our children that? Won't they figure it out on their own? I think that we *must* teach this to our children. Some definitely would figure it out eventually, just like with any other aspect of sexuality. But we can save them a lot of heartache along the way by giving them accurate and healthy info here, just like with other aspects of sex.

I have heard from so many women who were never taught to view sex as pleasurable. In most cases, any information that they got was very shame-based.   Sex was considered dirty. There are many others who were taught to focus on chastity to the point of stifling every sexual inclination, and then found it incredibly difficult to turn that "no" into a "yes" with their partners.

For parents who want to teach their children to save sex for marriage, this is tricky ground. How do you teach them about sexual purity *and* that sex is a wonderful gift? How do you teach them to flee lust without turning sexuality into a source of shame?

Frankly, I am still learning. But I strongly suspect that the secret here is in telling the truth without fear. Whenever we try to teach from a place of fear, we wind up corrupting the lesson. If we are focused on fear that our children will have sex when they shouldn't, we will corrupt what should be a beautiful lesson about their sexuality.

So, when they are little and begin to explore their own bodies, we can acknowledge without shaming that yes, it does feel good (even while teaching that it is not a public activity). We can be open about masturbation. We can celebrate the way that God created our bodies, and the fact that He wants us to enjoy them. We can teach them that while it is natural, it is also something that we learn about through practice (and that the practice of sex is meant to be with our spouse). I don't believe that any of these contradict the idea of saving sex for marriage.

But wait a minute! So what is lust, then? Many consider it to be any sexual desire. I don't think so. That is like saying gluttony is any desire for food. In looking at several dictionary definitions, I saw an important distinction. Lust was uncontrolled, unrestrained or overwhelming sexual desire. Just like gluttony would be uncontrolled, unrestrained or overwhelming desire for food. So having a sexual thought or desire is not wrong unless it is uncontrolled, unrestrained or overwhelming--something that we purpose to fulfill even when it is morally wrong.

This, to me, fits in perfectly with Jesus' warning against adultery in Matthew 5. It isn't the same as temptation. It is when you have already given in to that temptation in your heart.

I believe that understanding this is vital as we teach our children about sexual purity. Rather than teaching them to condemn themselves for every moment of attraction or to stifle their sexuality, we teach them about self control and delayed gratification. Rather than frightening them or bludgeoning them with guilt, we give them the positive understanding of the true purpose of sex.

I want all of my children to know that God intended for sex to be delightful. I will tell my daughters that there is a reason that God gave them a clitoris. That it is part of His amazing design. That, yes, it is supposed to feel good.

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This is part of a series about how we teach our children about sexuality. As parents, we have an incredible responsibility. We need to give our children accurate, age-appropriate information, not only on the physical aspects of sexuality, but also on the emotional and spiritual ramifications. I hope you will join us in this discussion with your comments, links, ideas and stories. For the entire series, click here.

Opening Up the GD Toolbox: Stories

2011-11-28T12:39:00.000-08:00

Image credit photogramma1 on Flickr

Some of my best childhood memories are of listening to my mother make up stories. It was only natural to me to start using them with my children. Most of us tend to think of stories as being nothing more than entertainment. But they are also a fun part of our parenting toolbox. Jesus was a storyteller. The Bible is made up of stories. Stories are a wonderful way to communicate Truth and encourage connection.

Whether you are two, twenty, forty, sixty or ninety, one of our deepest needs is to feel understood. Often children resort to meltdowns because they have no other way to fully express the depth of their hurt, frustration or anger. They are compelled to show us exactly how serious and intense the feelings are. Stories can be a great way to show that we get it.

Stories are also a powerful teaching tool. Most of us tune out a boring list of instructions. But in an exciting story, it is easy to absorb and remember how a character responded to a situation. I want to clarify that this is not like some of the old fashioned morality tales that had a heavy handed punishment of bad behavior actions and simplistic reward of positive behavior. The goal is not to scare our kids (these aren't horror stories!) or to alienate them by showing a disregard for their feelings. But giving positive role models will provide them with ways (or even scripts) to help handle similar situations.

Stories are even more fun (and more effective) when they are a collaborative effort. Invite your child to help tell the story. Ask questions. "How do you think he felt about that?" "What do you think she should do next?" It is fine if the story goes in an entirely different way than you envisioned. As long as your child is communicating with you, good things are happening! It may seem disturbing if your child throws in a rather graphic scene of vengeance. Resist the urge to squash their contribution, though--again, it goes back to expressing the full intensity of their feelings. Once their emotions are fully acknowledged, you can gently work in alternatives.

The number one tip for story telling is to be a good listener. As you validate and reflect, and allow them to tell their own stories they will be able to gain perspective for their own situations and acquire new coping tools of their own.

When my oldest daughter would have a meltdown, I learned to sit next to her and quietly begin a story about another little girl in a similar situation. It was a delicate balance to get the same emotions with enough differences in detail to make it clearly a story. Sometimes she would correct me on details, and I would welcome that as a way for her to share her feelings with words.

The most beautiful example that I have seen of this type of storytelling is by Crystal Lutton, in her article Words as Magic. Her story here with her four year old who was upset with his little sister is a fabulous template for using stories as a discipline tool. Stories can help children feel connected and understood, and when that happens, a surprising number of problems disappear.

And of course, it isn't just for "problem issues". Stories are always a way to communicate and tie our hearts closer together.

As much as I love story telling, in the moment, sometimes I am so tired or preoccupied that it seems difficult to get in the groove. These are my favorite tips for coming up with stories my kidlets will love.

Have you ever used stories to diffuse a rough moment, encourage or teach your child, or just to connect? I would love to hear about how you use them as part of your GD toolbox!

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Image credit goaliej54 on Flickr

Guest Post: Fun and Simple Ways for Stay-at-Home Moms to Earn Extra Cash

2011-11-20T15:57:00.000-08:00

You may be in that stage of parenting where your kids have all started school, and you have a few hours every day of quiet solitude in the house. Sometimes that quiet solitude can become monotonous and uninteresting. If you are a stay-at-home-mom looking for a hobby to fill in a few hours of the day, why not choose a new hobby that could potentially help you earn a little extra money? Listed below are a few suggestions.

1. Design and create your own hair bows: I have seen some mothers sell their hair bows for great prices and other moms always buy! To get started, you can use a free instructional guide found on the internet or purchase an instructional book from a bookstore. Clips, ribbons, headbands and other materials can all be purchased at your local craft store or even at Wal-Mart. Sell your hair bows at school events or host a selling party at your home.

2. Crocheting: This is not an easy hobby to learn, but once mastered, crocheting provides an excellent opportunity for stay-at-home moms to create unique items that will sale like hotcakes! It may be best to find a crocheting group that you can meet with a few times per week or month, as this is a craft that is best learned from a mentor. Once mastered, you could even create your own crocheting group; maybe even charge a small fee to teach others.

3. Compiling neighborhood recipes and creating a “neighborhood” cookbook: This is an idea that could range from a small task to a large project, depending on the size of your neighborhood. If you attend church, consider asking members if they would like to submit a recipe and donate a percentage of proceeds to a local charity. If the book will be less than 20 pages and you will be printing less than 20 copies, consider typing the book on your home computer and printing and binding it (with plastic comb binders) on your own, as well. The profit from this project may not be great, but the product of the project will be remembered by you and your neighbors forever.

4. Handmade Christmas Ornaments: If you are especially artistic and crafty, this is another hobby that has a potential of producing big bucks. Materials can usually be purchased for a relatively small amount at your local craft store. Ideas for ornaments can be found online, in books or from other ornaments for sale in stores. Display your product at local football games or other school events, and advertise that you will be giving a certain percentage of your proceeds to that school activity.

Whichever hobby you pursue, don’t get frustrated if life gets busy and you have to put a project aside for a few days. Remember, the goal is not necessarily making money but using your free time to enrich your life by learning and creating something new. And if you can teach your children your new hobby, all the better!
Denise Keene has been a Special Ed teacher for 15 years now and likes to write articles about various related topics. She also owns the site Masters In Special Education.

Opening Up the GD Toolbox: Play

2011-11-16T13:11:00.000-08:00

I confessed to a couple of my dearest friends recently that although I love my kids dearly, I loathe playing with them. Don't get me wrong--I really enjoy being with my children. I delight in watching them play. But actually participating, getting on the floor, jumping into games and pretending stuff? That is hard. Really hard. It ranks about the same for me as small talk with someone with whom I have virtually nothing in common. On the outside I try to smile and look attentive, but on the inside I am fidgeting, looking at a mental clock and wondering how soon I can politely disengage.

Even though it is hard, I don't think I am especially good at it, and I rarely feel like doing it, I know that play is one of the most important things I can do with my children. Besides all of the skills that children acquire through play, it is the key to two of their deepest needs: power and connection.

Image credit PopCultureGeek on Flickr

Feeling helpless has got to be one of the absolute worst feelings in the world. And, face it, when your greatest power consists of choosing the red shirt instead of the blue shirt today, being able to control a situation in play, to make your own choices and even change everything through your imagination is huge. The key here is following your child's lead and not imposing your own preferences. Offer role-reversals. Let them be the parent and you be the child. Let them rescue you. The possibilities for empowering play are endless!

The other important by product of playing together is connection. I am not a particular fan of Sponge Bob or Spiderman, but my son is. And when I play with him, he learns that his interests, his likes and feelings are important to me. He matters.

Physical connection goes hand in hand with the emotional connection of play. Sometimes when our young explorers begin to move away from all the physical connections of breastfeeding, babywearing and bed sharing, we forget to make time for other healthy touch. Rough housing, tag, hide and seek, and other games that deal with separation and connection are important. We love the pushing game. Filling little love cups with fun filled physical affection is one of the best aspects of play.

Meeting the underlying needs for power and connection is one of the keys to effective discipline. People who feel empowered and connected are much more likely to behave in appropriate ways. But there are many other ways that play can be used in discipline.

Transitions are much smoother if we have a fun way to do them. Whenever we cross the parking lot, we all pick a different animal to imitate: stomping like elephants, wiggling our tails like little fish, hopping like bunnies (I excel at waddling like a penguin). We prefer non competitive games for the most part, but every now and then a race to see who can get buckled up first or make it to their seats is helpful. Classics like the Quiet Game or seeing who can win a silent stare down without laughing can be a great way to calm down after boisterous play.

Role playing is one of the most effective ways to learn any new skill. Want to practice acceptable behavior for restaurants? Play restaurant games! Have tea parties! Play library and practice using quiet voices. Get silly and use exaggerated, over the top examples. Do you have a runner? Play games like Red Light, Green Light or others that practice starting and stopping on cue. Talk about bullying and then role play different responses. For some games, you might want to provide a script. Or depending on your kids' mood or the situation, you may all improvise. Just make sure that you don't lose the fun in the teaching. If the educational aspect needs to take a back seat, so be it. They will still learn from the little bits that you do work in.

Going through a potty talk phase? Make a game of giving them nonsense words to use instead. When my three year old was randomly inserting "caca" into every sentence, we zeroed in on what he really wanted: the fun of our reaction. So we ignored that, but told him to never, ever say "snooglewoogles". Of course, he immediately did, and we played up our shock and horror, throwing up our hands and looking around to see if anyone had heard. Pretty soon, he decided that it was much more fun to say snooglewoogles.

Use play to provide a spoonful of sugar for unpleasant or boring tasks. My sweetlings can be very, er, inventive if left to distract themselves in a waiting room or other boring place. Ahem. Participating in their play or finding gentle ways to help direct it is necessary right now. Go retro with I Spy, pen and paper games or even making up stories together. If you need to all pick up the house, try tossing objects into a basket, setting a timer, picking up a specific color or type of object--anything to make it more fun. (I need extra motivation on this kind of thing, too!)

This is just the tip of the iceberg on ways that you can use play as a tool. The September 2011 Carnival of Natural Parenting is full of fabulous posts on this topic. Read to the end to find all the links. :) For more inspiration and ideas, get Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen. Discipline is not supposed to be miserable--it should be delightful. Playing with your kids is one of the most powerful tools you will ever find.

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Image credit goaliej54 on Flickr

Opening Up the GD Toolbox: Physical Needs

2011-11-12T09:40:00.000-08:00

Image credit goaliej54 on Flickr

Choosing to use gentle discipline is scary at first. What are you going to do if you give up spanking? Time out? What if that doesn't work? Take away privileges? What if your kids are too young to really care? I remember that feeling in the pit of my stomach when we first decided not to spank. It was like jumping off a cliff and not being sure of the landing.

It turns out that there are many, many tools besides spanking and time outs. I gave an overview of some of our favorites, but now I want to open up that toolbox by focusing on each one, with practical tips of how to use it. Even if spanking is still one of your tools right now, I hope that as you read through the alternatives you will find fewer reasons to use it. For more in this series, click here.

Looking for more practical tips? Check out my favorite post from the Hippie Housewife on The Hows of Discipline (and read through all the comments!), Pearl in Oyster's 52 Tool Cards series and Aha! Parenting's blog. Do you need inspiration and a reminder of why and how to do this? Read Emerging Mummy's Practices of Mothering and Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond. If you have other great resources or ideas, please add them in the comments.

Meeting Physical Needs

Punitive parenting is about responding to a behavior. Proactive parenting means that instead of waiting for a problem, we work at helping our kids *before* it gets to that point. One of the basic ways to do this is to make sure that physical needs are being met. When I first heard that kind of reminder, I felt a tad defensive. Is she implying that I am a neglectful parent? Of course I take care of physical needs!!

Image credit lindaaslund on Flickr

I am sure that you do what you can to meet your child's needs. But in the hustle and bustle of all the responsibilities that we have, many of us fall into the habit of ignoring our physical needs to get things done. Sometimes, our kids do that, too. If I go too long without a snack or break, I get grouchy, and so do my kids. I have learned to ask at regular intervals: Are we getting healthy snacks? Plenty to drink? Enough rest? Younger kids even get so busy playing at times that they ignore a need to go to the bathroom.

Another important physical need is exercise. We all need those endorphins. A huge part of why we homeschool is that my kids need plenty of physical activity, and sitting in a classroom wouldn't allow them to run, climb, dance, jump and do everything else they need to do in order to use their growing muscles and get the wiggles out. This is all well and good, but what if you can't go outside? A couple of our favorite indoor activities are pillow piles and the pushing game. Dancing is always good, especially when mixed with a moment to freeze and see who has the funniest position or expression.

I know there are some people who suspect that parents nowadays invent food allergies for their kids. Whatever the reasons behind food allergies, the truth is that they have risen dramatically, and they often don't look like hives and anaphylaxis. And young kids may not be able to verbalize their symptoms. Mold gives me an exhausted, foggy-brained feeling that I struggle to put into words, even as an adult. I have difficulty concentrating and a headache. A lot of kids respond to wheat or gluten that way. Tummy troubles, mucousy stools, constipation and other issues can make a child very cranky. Some kids react to food dyes, gluten and other common foods by getting hyper and bouncing off the walls. According to our allergist, dairy and other foods can even cause bladder spasms, so that a child doesn't feel the urge to urinate then suddenly has an accident.

Image credit Wallula Junction on Flickr

Most of us are sympathetic to a baby who is teething. But we forget about it as they get older. Molars, though, are some of the most painful teeth to break through the gums, and they come through around two years and again around six. No wonder those are some of the toughest ages for kids! I remember the pain of wisdom teeth coming through, and for little kids to deal with the constant irritation and inflammation of cutting molars has to take a toll on their behavior some days.

How often have our kids had a tough day, and then the next day they get sick? I can't tell how many times I have been aggravated at their behavior, only to look back a day or two later and realize that they were coming down with something. Even if they don't have visible symptoms yet, they may be fighting off an ear infection, a virus or something else.

Finally, while no one wants to suspect that their child has special needs, it often isn't until children are much older that issues like an auditory processing disorder or other things are diagnosed. Make sure that you are giving sufficient time for your child to completely understand your request and then to respond (which even in neurotypical kids often takes much longer than we realize). I have even known of families who eventually discovered hearing loss in their child and finally realized that much of what had seemed to be willfully ignoring them was not. And of course, there are tons of possibilities I haven't covered here. If your default is to assume that they are doing the best that they can in a given moment, it will save a lot of energy from regret later!

People who don't feel well usually don't act right. We know that. But sometimes we need to be reminded. If your child's behavior is telling you that something is wrong, take a look at possible physical causes. There might be more going on than meets the eye.

But They Look So Happy!

2011-11-09T09:28:00.000-08:00

Image credit masochismtango on Flickr

All of the recent news about the Duggar's newest baby has spawned a number of online arguments. One of the most frequent comments was about how cheerful their family is, especially the children. How Michelle is a great mom who doesn't yell. It must be working for them, because the kids are well behaved and look happy. Sounds reasonable, right?

I might believe it, if I didn't know what I know of Gothard/ATI and the Pearls. The Duggars are deeply enmeshed in ATI, and ATI takes allegiance very seriously. It isn't a vague Statement of Beliefs that you sign so your kids can take the courses. It is several pages of in depth info that covers what kind of music you can listen to (no Christian rock), the kind of TV you watch (mainly Christian DVDs), the way you dress (those jumpers are about modesty), the kind of punishments the parents use (spankings), and more. It isn't just a curriculum--it is a lifestyle that delves into family finances, child planning and every other detail.

There has long been a lot of speculation about whether the Duggars use the controversial punishment methods taught by Michael and Debi Pearl in To Train Up a Child. Things like the blanket training, certain phrases that are used, and the general popularity within that subculture have fueled that, as well as many people who claim that it was recommended previously on the website. I can't prove that they follow TTUAC, but as of yesterday, the Duggar's website included it in their Amazon links along with a glowing recommendation. Considering that some of the other recommendations list personal details about how the materials were used by the family, I cannot believe that it was randomly included on their site without their approval.

One of the creepiest things about Gothard and the Pearls is that they teach that happy is the only acceptable emotion. If you do not have a joyful countenance, you are publicly shaming your authorities. In other words, if the kid looks unhappy, it is a personal offense against the parents. Pearl also has nauseating quotes and anecdotes about how any time his kids expressed unhappiness or anger they were hit even harder and longer until they were cheerful. How twisted is that? Children are taught from babyhood to always be cheerful, or else they deserve a spanking. As they grow older, it is not just the fear of a spanking that causes them to keep smiling. It is the sincere belief that they are sinning with ingratitude, rebellion and more if they don't present a happy face.

You know the whole fake it till you make it idea? It is pretty effective. I am sure that there are plenty of times where the kids are genuinely happy. There are many good things in their lives, and I do believe that the kids are loved. I am not saying that it is all a sham. I *do* strongly suspect that the habit of "joyfulness" is so deeply ingrained that denying "ungodly emotions" such as anger (which comes from not yielding your rights in Gothardspeak) and unhappiness (which is a sinful lack of gratitude) is automatic by now.

For many people who follow Gothard and the Pearls, appearance is everything. As long as you appear happy, then you must be. There is also strong pressure to be a ~~salesperson~~ witness. Your countenance is your ~~sales pitch~~ testimony, and if you present an ugly picture to the world, it is a public shaming of your parents and ultimately your God. Are you going to be the cause of people in the world turning from Christ? I have heard women who are part of this mindset justify staying in abusive relationships because "it would look so bad for a Christian to divorce". Because, you know, God would rather you live a damaging lie and deceive others than expose the truth that even families who claim Him are not perfect. (Shhhh. He won't know that your marriage is really broken as long as you don't sign divorce papers!) Sorry. I get sarcastic when I am frustrated. Please check out Families Where Grace is In Place or Grace Based Living to read more about getting free from curse-filled relationships.

And, lest we forget, there is plenty of editing that goes into a TV show.

So when I hear someone say, "But they look so happy!" I can't help but think, "Of course they do. They know that happy is the only acceptable emotion in their world. But is it really happiness when you aren't allowed to express anything else?"

I haven't written too much about growing up under Gothard. Just that general post, a post when I first found Razing Ruth, and a bit about our courtship. But I grew up in this kind of teaching. If you are interested in more of what life is really like for someone growing up under Gothard and the Pearls, there is a wealth of information and stories at:

No Longer Qivering
Commandments of Men
Darcy's Heart-Stirrings
Enigma
Love, Joy, Feminism
Permission to Live
Razing Ruth
Recovering Grace
The Eighth and Final Square
Why Not Train a Child?
A Quiver Full of Information

Sex Ed in a Christian Home--Why Teach Sexual Purity?

2011-11-05T13:07:00.000-07:00

Discussions about sexual purity in Christian circles are full of cliches, catch phrases and superficiality. I have been as guilty of this as anyone else. Writing this post has challenged me to examine what I really believe about the Bible. And I will tell you upfront that I am still praying and considering this.

A lot of the insidious ideas of courtship and patriarchy have begun to permeate mainstream Christian culture, including the idolization of virginity, curse-filled gender roles, legalistic formulas and a seriously twisted view of father-daughter relationships. Christian kids are terrorized into saying no to sex, and not taught how to say yes.

We are missing the point entirely.

I believe that the heart of sexual purity is about love, freedom and unity. Choosing sexual purity from love, not fear. Love for God, love for ourselves and love for our spouse. Freedom from compulsion. Freedom from fear and shame. Freedom from insecurity. About unity that goes beyond physical intimacy. Two people uniting themselves in love and purpose. Emotional and spiritual intimacy that allows the physical joining to express the same kind of oneness as in the Trinity. Echad.

If we really want to teach our children about sexual purity, our focus must be on healthy relationships, not denying sex.

If sex really is meant to be a picture of echad, or plural oneness, what does that mean in a human relationship? Phillipians 2 has some beautiful pictures of that: encouragement from being united with Christ, comfort in love, tenderness, compassion, common sharing in the Spirit, like-minded, having the same love, intent on the same purpose. Not acting from selfishness, competition or conceit. Looking out for each others' best interests. Not grasping for position. Not dominating the other. This is mutual submission. Not something that the wife has to do to placate her husband. Something that both partners do.

This foundation of relationship sets up both partners as equal. It isn't grasping at sex from neediness or emptiness inside. It isn't allowing another to use your body from fear or resignation. It is freely giving to each other with joy and grace. It isn't detached from the reality of who the other person is. It is finding someone that you are so fully aligned with and committed to that you can be utterly honest. It means that you both are looking out for what is best for each other, not just what is easiest (and that may mean confronting each other in love and helping each other to grow, even when that isn't comfortable for our partner).

I believe that one of the most important parts of sex is security in the love of one's partner. Knowing that someone loves you fully allows you to let go of self-consciousness, embarrassment and fear and fully enjoy sex. If you are holding back the secret places in your heart from someone because they have not yet earned that level of intimacy, sex will not reach it fullest potential for either one of you.

A lot of teaching out there now says that if you have sex outside of marriage, you are giving away pieces of your heart that you can never get back. I don't believe that hearts are finite, with only a limited amount of love, that once given away means you will run out. I do believe that uniting ourselves physically with someone without being united as true partners makes us vulnerable to selfishness, shallowness and unhealthy relationships.

Instead of trying to scare my kids away from sex, I want to give them the knowledge and tools they need to grow into the people they want to be. I want them to be emotionally mature and equipped for healthy relationships, so that sex will be a beautiful portrayal of the united hearts of both partners.

These are some of the reasons that I will teach my children that I believe that sex is designed for marriage. Not because it is the end of the world if they aren't virgins when they marry, although I hope that they are. Not because of the possibilities of pregnancy (which is not the end of the world, either), or even disease, (although I will share full, unbiased info on birth control and the risks and advantages of different methods).

But because I believe that the kind of relationship that sex is meant to show us is found in a healthy marriage, in that depth of commitment and unity.

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Discipline vs Abuse--Why the Limbo Contest?

2011-11-04T08:28:00.000-07:00

"Infidelity is a sin! You should never cheat on your wife! But it is necessary that you flirt a lot with your female coworkers, and go out for romantic dinners sometimes. It will actually improve your marriage! But of course you shouldn't actually have an affair."

"Whoa! No, going out for romantic dinners with someone other than your spouse is not a good idea. You should only share romantic lunches, just the two of you. After 5 PM, it is too close to an affair."

"In some marriages, especially if your spouse is a certain personality type, making out with someone else is fine. In fact, sharing a hotel room on business trips might even be necessary. However, to keep from having an affair, you should only make out for 10 minutes at a time."

"What your marriage really needs is for you to love your wife. It is a heart issue. Just make sure that every time there is any argument, you make up with your spouse before you go and make out with someone else, so that your relationship will be protected."

"You should only do this after being married for six months, and you should stop after 12 years of marriage."

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Image credit Endlisnis on Flickr

You would not consider that stellar advice for a marriage. Most of us would say that regardless of the technical definition of infidelity, we don't want our spouses to even get close to that point. Yet whenever the question of discipline comes up, all of a sudden it becomes a limbo contest. How low can you go, how close to the line of abuse can you get without it *really* being abuse?

Is it a certain number of swats? Marks that don't last beyond a certain number of minutes/hours/days? What if your child just bruises easily? What if you don't do it in anger--does that make a difference? (Would it be fine for your spouse to cheat as long as he wasn't in love with his new partner?) Is it OK for a specific age group?

The truth is that there is little consensus on the line where spanking becomes abuse. Every person that I know who advocates spanking has a different line, and each is convinced that it should be obvious to everyone else, but it isn't. Dobson says that some bruising is fine. Tripp and the Pearls advocate hitting infants for such heinous offenses as squirming during a diaper change or fussing. Some say you should use your hands, some insist that a belt or paddle is better. If you believe that the Bible teaches spanking, Proverbs doesn't say anything at all about the number of blows, how hard they can be or the emotional state of the parent (it does give a pretty clear age reference--to young adults, not children--but funnily enough, I have never seen a spanker acknowledge that.)

I don't understand why the goal always seems to get as close as possible to the line of abuse without touching it. Is that *really* where our focus should be? (Would it be OK for your spouse to always be looking at the line for infidelity and saying, "It's OK, we didn't actually have sex. We stopped just before."?)

Hitting a child is always an act of violence. It is always meant to cause fear and pain. (If getting your child's attention is your goal, there are plenty of ways to do that without hitting them. Be honest, now.) The line between an acceptable level of pain and fear and an unacceptable level of pain and fear seems to be blurry, at best. That is why spanking advocates have to come up with all the little rules about when it becomes abuse, and still wind up scrambling to redefine the limbo line whenever a case of child abuse makes the news.

Let's take our focus off of how close we can get to the line of abuse without crossing it, and start looking for better ways to teach our kids. Instead of seeing how low we can go, let's aim for the stars!

Confessions of a Spanking Abolitionist

2011-10-27T08:46:00.000-07:00

Image credit pepsiline on Flickr

It has been bugging me for a couple of months now, but I kept trying to push it away or rationalize it. Today I realized that I can't do it anymore. I cannot be a member of a local church where the pastor advocates spanking from the pulpit. I did it for years, and tried to focus on all the areas where we do agree. I just prayed, spoke up when I could, and told myself that it wasn't an essential point.

I imagine that for some of the early abolitionists in the South, the process was similar. They reminded themselves that most Christians around them believed that the Bible supported slavery. They minimized it by saying that the pastor only taught that slavery was Biblical once in awhile. Mostly it was just included in passing references or anecdotes. I think that they knew and understood the culture, because they had grown up in it. They probably had people that they loved and respected who were slaveholders. They didn't want to act out of pride or arrogance. Perhaps they tried to tell themselves that it wasn't a foundational point of doctrine--just one of those areas where people had to follow their own conscience.

But eventually, the conviction would grow in their hearts that how we view other human beings, created in God's image just like us, our brothers and sisters in Christ, really does matter. That the command to treat others as we would like to be treated is foundational. That how we study and interpret Scripture is part of the basis for trust in a pastoral relationship. That how a pastor views God and people will color the rest of his theology, too.

I live in the buckle of the Bible belt. And most people here take the "belt" part very literally. It is extremely common here for pastors to preach on spanking. The vast majority of churches in the area regularly offer classes where parents are instructed to spank early (often before a year), and often--at any sign of disobedience or defiance (which usually means any time the parent suspects the child of questioning the commands).

My parents, grandparents and in laws were all pastors. I understand that they are human. I know that *I* make mistakes, and that humility and the willingness to learn from others is important. I don't expect us to see everything exactly the same, and there are plenty of areas where I could just agree to disagree. But I have come to the place where this is foundational for me. It is about our understanding of the very nature of God, about the atonement of Christ, about grace. Jesus said that whatever we do to the least of these, we do to Him. I cannot align myself under a pastor whose view of these issues is radically different from what I believe the Bible teaches. And knowing what I know how about how terribly spanking can damage families, I cannot support a person in a position of authority who continues to exhort parents to spank.

It feels a bit lonely. I am afraid that my friends and family will think I am making too big of a deal about it. It sounds safer to just maintain the status quo. It also feels discouraging, considering the dominant culture here. I suspect that some of the things that are preferences for me (like the style of worship) will be sacrificed. But I want and need to be an active part of a local body, and I have to be able to be fed without screaming inside that we are all being poisoned.

Image credit trevorstone on Flickr

I don't want a civil war with my brothers and sisters. But I am firmly convinced that how we treat our children is a human rights issue. The culture in most of the US sees them as property, as less deserving of protection because of their age, as less than full persons, and then uses Scripture to justify it. I cannot be a part of that. (And for those who wonder if I think spanking should be illegal, yes I do. I don't for a moment believe that hitting a child is a parental right any more than hitting a spouse is a marital right). I am a spanking abolitionist, and I am seeking a church home.

It's a Lifestyle, Not an Event

2011-10-23T08:47:00.000-07:00

". . . gentle discipline is a lifestyle not an event. People have said 'we discipline like this' and then described how they spank, give time outs, enforce consequences, etc. I have realized that discipline is about teaching, and we teach our children every moment of every day." ~ SonshineMama via Gentle Christian Mothers

When we first began to look at gentle discipline, I was full of panicky questions. "What about this? But what if they still don't do what I want them to? Then how do I handle this?" Looking back now, a couple of things stand out to me. I still saw discipline as an event. A "consequence" to a specific situation. And I still thought it was about controlling my child's behavior, just in a nicer way.

Over the years, my perspective has changed. It isn't an event anymore. It is a way of life. And it isn't just about parenting. It is for all my relationships. It applies to my marriage, my coworkers, my students, my friends--anyone who is part of my life. So what does it look like?

Image credit Walking Geek on Flickr

Connection, not competition. Instead of seeing others as opponents and viewing interactions as winning and losing, I need to focus on the relationship. My kids aren't adversaries, and I don't have to view anything as a battle. No one has to lose. Really. If we are on the same team, then I can focus my energy on what works best for *everyone* involved. In a disagreement with my husband, with a friend, or anyone else, this still holds true. If I direct my attention to our relationship, it is amazing how many little things resolve themselves. Even for boundaries that must be marked out and enforced, when it is within the framework of loving connection it allows so much more harmony and peace.

Looking for the unmet need behind the behavior. Whether it is a child in the middle of a meltdown, a stranger who is less than courteous, a cranky spouse, a manipulative mother in law--if you can see the motive behind the actions, it is much easier to respond with grace. Unacceptable behavior is always about someone trying to meet their own needs in an inappropriate way. "Punishing" them for it with our own unacceptable behavior doesn't help. If you know what the root cause is, you may be able to find a better way to help them meet their needs. Maybe they need to feel connected? Heard? Maybe they just need something as simple as a snack or a breather. Maybe they are exhausted, afraid or stressed out? Perhaps they feel out of control of other areas and are trying to compensate? Even if it isn't a need that you are able to meet, identifying it can help you deal with the symptoms.

Clear communication is an essential part of gentle discipline and gentle living. And for most of us, it is like learning a whole new language. It starts with eliminating unhelpful patterns that only alienate others. Then it involves learning how to identify and clearly express what we *do* want and need. As parents, we learn that shaming, vague instructions and merely telling them what not to do (instead of alternatives that would work better) aren't effective ways to communicate with our children. They don't work well with adults, either. Honesty is important, too. If you imagine that gentleness means a sugary, artificial passivity while others wreak havoc, you are wrong. Lying to ourselves and others doesn't help anyone. Nonviolent communication is an amazing book. I really can't recommend it enough.

Protecting ourselves and others. At its core, gentle discipline is about respect for healthy boundaries--theirs and ours. We need to take responsibility for ourselves, and not give others power over us that should not belong to them (they can't handle it appropriately, anyway). We must own our words, feelings and actions. Then we must allow others to own their words, feelings and actions. If you have been conditioned to avoid conflict, it seems at first much easier to just do your best to please everyone until you collapse or explode from the burden. I think that for women, especially, this is a model that many of us have grown up with, and establishing a new pattern can seem daunting. The thing is, conflict will eventually come, regardless of our efforts to avoid it. We cannot make other people happy. Allowing them the right to experience and learn how to handle their own feelings is essential, whether they are three or thirty. Happy is not the only acceptable emotion, but expressing other feelings without hurting the people around us takes knowledge and practice.

Image credit williamcho on Flickr

Smell like love. Each of us creates our own atmosphere. Like a perfume, peace in our hearts emits a fragrance that influences everyone around us. When I am anxious, edgy or upset, all of my family members pick up on it. And if you have ever been around someone who tried to mask BO with a heavy dose of perfume, you know that covering up unpleasant odors doesn't work!

If the air around us stinks, it is a signal to look at our own unmet needs. Maybe there is fear from past events that haven't fully healed. So often when we begin to look at others' actions through a lens of grace and see the needs driving their behavior, it alerts us to our own needs that we have been trying to meet in unhealthy ways. I want my life to radiate love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, trustworthiness, gentleness and self-control. But those fruits don't spring out of nowhere--they must be planted and nurtured in my life. Weeds that would choke them out or stunt their growth need to be pulled.

So I am in the process of moving toward a life full of grace. Not a series of discrete events. Not just as a form of discipline. Not just for my children. I am not there yet, but I am excited about the journey. When I first began the road to gentle discipline, the writings of Crystal Lutton helped me tremendously. Her book, Biblical Parenting, answered so many of my questions and gave me a new way of looking at a lot of things. While mulling over this whole idea of Grace Based Living, I found that her book on that is available on Kindle. I am going to get it today. :) I am so excited about intentionally learning and growing in a lifestyle of grace, and so thankful for all of you who are joining me. <3

Disclaimer: Crystal Lutton and the Gentle Christian Mothers message board have been an amazing source of inspiration, help and grace in my life. However, we are all individuals and I do not speak for them. I am sure that there are some posts of mine that they might disagree with. Feel free to attribute any good stuff to their influence, and stuff that is not so good is probably my own. ;) I don't have enough words to express how incredible these ladies are or how much they have blessed my family, so instead I would just invite you to join GCM and see for yourself. <3

Sex Ed in a Christian Home--Sexual Purity: Myth Busters Edition

2011-10-14T13:54:00.000-07:00

When I look at the Bible and read that we are the Bride of Christ, when I consider the bond between my husband and myself, it is easy to see the sacredness of sex. I believe that God created it to give us a picture of what true unity looks like. To me, sexual purity is about respecting the power, beauty and covenant of sex.

I know that I am not alone, but sometimes it feels like it. There are so many churchy myths out there.

Image credit Sherry's Rose Cottage on Flick

Perhaps the biggest distortion I see is the idolization of virginity. So many portray it as the be all end all standard of sexual purity. First of all, I think that sexual purity is just as important after marriage as before, and in fact, more so. Furthermore, sexual purity isn't just lack of vaginal intercourse. Such a narrow focus on outward behavior causes us to lose sight of the heart issue. Some wind up doing everything except for vaginal intercourse, and have no idea of the possible consequences of things like oral sex, pornography, and other forms of sexual activity. Others who do have sex feel that they are forever "second hand goods". Both are terrible distortions of what sexual purity really means.

Because sex is not just about intercourse, it is important to guard their hearts and minds. Temptation in any area (whether through mental fantasies, romance novels, or physical temptations with another person) can often be escaped through accountability and confession. And that leads to another myth in Christian circles: that temptation = sin. So many God-loving, purity-seeking, hormonal teens are convinced that any physical attraction is the same as lust. Since they can't shut down their God-given hormones, they feel that they can't escape from sin. Jesus was tempted every bit the same way we are. It is how we choose to act on the feelings, not the feelings themselves, that matters. Guilt over every sexual urge only weakens the ability to choose sexual purity.

I also find the double standard with gender that many adopt to be deeply disturbing. Sexual purity is for men as well as women, and the stereotypes of men as slavering beasts and women as cold manipulators are both inaccurate and degrading. Both men and women are created with a strong sex drive. That is a good thing. And both are capable of self control. That is also a good thing. Women should be able to be themselves and dress comfortably without being consumed with worry about "causing their brothers to stumble". Guys shouldn't be automatically viewed as predators simply because they have a penis. Sex should never be seen as a commodity to trade in exchange for emotional security, and women shouldn't feel ashamed of wanting sex.

Image credit xornalcerto on Flickr

I am frustrated by the lie that giving our kids accurate and complete info about sexuality and birth control will lead to rampant fornication. The whole "if you tell them about it they will think it is permission" myth is absurd. This overlaps with the obsession with virginity, of course, and both are based on fear and a gleeful desire for vengeance that smugly views a baby or STD as punishment. If my children choose to wait for marriage, it will be because they have a heart-conviction that that is part of God's design for sex, not because they don't know how to use a condom. If they choose to have sex outside of marriage, they still deserve accurate info to protect themselves, their future partners and innocent children who could be conceived.

Another thing that I plan to tell them about sex is that practice makes perfect. One of the many myths floating around the Church is that if you just wait till you are married, you are promised mind-blowing orgasms every time. I think that for most people, it takes a lot of time and practice, both with the mechanics of sex and also in tuning completely into yourself and your partner and what is best for both of you. That isn't a reason to go ahead and have sex. On the contrary, the tenderness, vulnerability and trust that comes from learning those things together can be incredibly special, too.

TMI, perhaps, but my husband and I were both virgins when we married. We had never even kissed anyone else. We had a lot to learn, and it took awhile. However, I am really thankful that we stumbled through it together. The trust and tenderness established during that time is part of what allowed it to grow into the delight and confidence we enjoy now. I am saddened, though, by all the stories I have heard of disappointment and disillusionment with couples who waited for marriage and found that it didn't live up to their expectations. I don't want my children's experiences to be tarnished by an unrealistic idea of what really goes into establishing a happy sex life.

The Bible says that knowing the truth sets us free. I don't want to fill my children's minds and hearts with distortions about sexuality in an effort to help them "stay pure". Instead, I want them to know the truth so that they can freely choose to fulfill God's design for their lives. I also want them to be secure in the grace of God, to always be able to talk with me and their dad, and to experience the fullness of joy in loving intimacy.

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Sex Ed in a Christian Home--Menarche

2011-10-06T17:22:00.000-07:00

Image credit Sudhamshu on Flickr

My grandmother was a wonderful woman, but despite having seven surviving children, I wonder how informed she was about sexuality. She certainly didn't teach much to her daughters. When my mother started her period, she thought she was bleeding to death. The only explanation she got was, "This will happen every month. Here is a pad." Thankfully, my mom was much more proactive with me. She gave me plenty of information a few years before my period came, and she never tried to create a negative view of it.

But over the years, I gradually absorbed some of the negative perceptions through the media and other influences. I hate the way that our cultural view here trivializes and denigrates menstruation. It seems that it either presents periods with absurdities like dancing, flowers and rainbows or like a horror show, with vicious parodies of PMS-crazed monster women. (And I say that as one who has powerful emotional surges when my hormones fluctuate!). I don't want my daughters to see themselves that way.

When I first read of Old Testament practices, it seemed like a shameful thing. Unclean. Dirty. Gross. But when I talked to Hebrew scholars, I was shocked to see how differently they view it. It isn't unclean in the way we translate that in English. According to Kresel Housman, "Menstrual blood is NOT taboo in Judaism, nor is it something distasteful. The menstrual Laws, like all the Laws of Judaism, imbue us with a constant consciousness of the miracles which comprise our daily existence. We certainly do not view the menstruation cycle as disgusting, or even as routine and ordinary. Rather, these Laws enable us to recognize the awesome potential of life as it regenerates itself within our very own bodies." My Torah-observant friends tell me that the separation of women during that time was not about shame, but a grace-filled time for them to rest, relieved from normal responsibilities, and to be able to fully relax and enjoy the company of other women. That sounds pretty cool to me.

I have mentioned before a comment by a friend's mom who believed that women had a special sensitivity to the Holy Spirit near their moon-time. Part of me snorted. But, I also recalled unusually vivid dreams, often with a clear significance. Later, I discovered that each pregnancy was an intensely spiritual time of awareness and sensitivity for me. I don't want to romanticize the idea (and having cramps and heavy flow, leaking issues and all the rest helps me to be a tad more objective), but I cannot discount the idea of spiritual openness connected to our cycles, either.

Right now, my daughters are 7, 3 and 1, and my son is 5. As part of our ongoing Talk, we have mentioned menstruation in the past, but since I have only had around 6 periods in the last 8.5 years (thank you, breastfeeding!), it hasn't come up too often. Recently, one of the kidlets walked into the bathroom as I was emptying my Diva cup, and that has prompted a lot of conversations.

My seven year old had a lot of questions about the mechanics of menstruation, and when it would start for her. Did it hurt? Would her clothes get dirty? I shared my experiences, but let her know that she was her own person, and it was different for everyone. We talked about the differences between pads, tampons and cups. She said that once her period starts, she would like to try all the different ones to find out which works best for her and is most comfortable.

We also talked about having some type of special celebration to mark this passage. I have heard of so many beautiful observances. Some do full-blown parties with honored women in their lives. Others do a private mother-daughter celebration together. My daughter is more of an introvert, like her mom, so I doubt she would want a party, but she thinks that it is a very special occasion and wants to celebrate some way.

Image credit Laurel Fan on Flickr

I plan to prepare a gift basket that includes a copy of Cycle Savvy by Toni Weschler (author of Taking Charge of Your Fertility). She told me that jewelry would be really nice. I definitely plan to give her some chocolate--I think all women deserve chocolate on just about any occasion. ;) I am planning on finding a nice journal and pens in her favorite colors, and maybe a mug and her favorite tea blend. A friend takes her daughter for a mani-pedi, some get their ears pierced. I think it should be up to the daughter, of course, but I like the idea of a special celebration of womanhood, and also giving her something with which to pamper herself a bit.

I know a lot of moms talk about menstruation as a curse. As someone who has always had very heavy periods and considerable cramping, I can understand that. But last night, as my daughter told me with shining eyes how cool it was to be a girl and to have the power to grow a baby inside of us, I was grateful that she sees it as a gift.

So I will teach my daughters that menarche is not the beginning of 'the Curse'. It is a sign that we are life-bearers. It is not a thing of shame, but a special way of being set apart. I want them to be compassionate and gentle with themselves--to be confident in listening to their bodies and not to feel embarrassed or ashamed of setting apart a time to show grace to themselves. To recognize the waves of spiritual openness that may come with their cycles in a positive way. To be able to see this as a prelude to the glory and power of pregnancy and birth, and view their bodies as miracles and blessings.

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Sex Ed in a Christian Home--An Anonymous Guest Post on Sexual Addiction and Protecting our Kids

2011-10-05T07:34:00.000-07:00

One of the primary goals from this series is to bring into the light things that are uncomfortable. Ignoring them doesn't make them go away. Sexual addiction is real, and it is not just something that men struggle with. I am working on an entire post about gender issues, but this is a good time to point out that the double standard that exists in the church, not to mention the rest of the world, is hurting both our daughters and our sons. Common ideas like only men are visual, or that women only use sex as a means to manipulate are nonsensical and dangerous. A post on sexual purity is also in the works, but I believe that we all want our children to have a healthy, joyous sexuality that is free from compulsions. If you recognize that you need help beyond yourself to become healthy in your view of sexuality, I encourage you to find a qualified counselor. I am very grateful to my friend for trusting me enough to share this, and for speaking out on behalf of others.

*****

When most people think of someone having a sex addiction, they think of a man. Women are generally thought of as being the one who is fulfilling the man’s desire, rather than the one with the desire. As women, we need to realize that our desires are just as important as a man’s. We also need to realize that the problem of sexual addictions is not limited to just one sex. There are a lot of women who seem overtly sexual, and most of the time our first instinct is to think of them in negative terms. But just like with other addictions, there is something that led them to this place. Sometimes, it’s one specific incident & sometimes it develops over time. For me, the thing that led me into addiction was pornography. That’s difficult to talk about as a woman, since men are the ones we think of as having issues in this area. I want to share some of my experience with this problem as well as give some suggestions as to how to best protect our children from falling into this self-hating addiction.

Set them up for success! - I’m not even going to go into whether it’s right or wrong, because I’m obviously prejudiced due to my own situation. As consenting adults, what we do in our free time is between us & God. However, once we become parents, it’s time to make some changes. I was young when I saw pornography for the first time, maybe 7 or 8? It changed something in me. I thought the women were beautiful and brave for showing off their bodies in that way. I would try to mimic what they were doing & tried to imagine myself being that bold. Where did I find such images? In my dad’s personal collection. They were all over his room and I was curious. He did not intend for me to see them, he didn’t realize it was going to cause a lifetime struggle for me, but that’s exactly what happened. My suggestion to parents who struggle with this (and to those who don’t see it as a problem as well) is to get rid of it. Keep it out of your home. Kids are curious. And if you have a collection in your home, no matter how well hidden it is, they can still find it. Get rid of it. Wipe it off your computers as well. Just because it’s been a day, a week, or a month since you looked, doesn’t mean it’s gone. Little fingers can hit buttons quickly on a computer and bring up something that you’ll quickly regret. (Believe me, my children have touched buttons and reworked my whole computer causing me to have to get it professionally fixed.)

Talk to them – about their bodies. Teach them what’s public & what’s private. Explain the importance of not only keeping themselves protected but about other people’s privacy as well. It’s a fine line between shaming about nudity & protecting them from the things in the world that can harm them. My children would be nudists if possible. It’s rare for them to wear more than just underwear at home & my boys have no problem using the bathroom outside. I think that it’s important to teach them that their bodies are wonderful and that there are things that are allowed in the comfort of our home, but we also need to make sure that they understand there is a time and a place for a certain amount of modesty as a form of protection. Hopefully teaching them to respect their own bodily boundaries will teach them to respect others as well and it will be easier for them to refrain from participating in viewing of such material.

Know who your kids are with – Ok, so this seems soooo obvious. But it’s a difficult one for me. My parents were super strict about whom I spent time with and made sure to basically grill their families before letting me sleep over, but I was still exposed to a lot that they would not have approved of. My friend’s families all had paid channels, like HBO, Showtime, & Cinemax. Most of my friends had TV’s in their rooms. We would stay up all. night. long. watching completely inappropriate movies. Yes, sex is everywhere now, but guess what, it was everywhere then too. You just had to know where to look for it. We were elementary age & we weren’t watching Disney & other kid’s shows. Nope, we were watching shows full of nudity and sex. Again, my parents knew these families. They were friends with them. They just had no idea what their family boundaries were.

Set boundaries – You know what is expected of your family. You know what you’re ok with. Do your kids know these things? (This is one of those areas that obviously go well beyond sexual behaviors, but I’m going to limit it to those areas.)

· Movies & TV – Make sure you’re clear about what ratings are appropriate for them and if there are any channels that you’re not ok with them viewing.

· Modesty/dress – Let them know where you draw the line. Certain lengths of skirts, if you prefer they wear shorts/leggings under skirts, how much skin is too much, etc.

· Alone time with friends – This is more for older kids, but it’s important for them to know when/where it’s ok to be alone with their friends, especially those of the opposite sex. It’s important to teach them not to put themselves into situations that could lead to temptation.

And there’s so much more that could be added here.

Be available to them – Talk, talk, talk! Make sure you’ve got a strong enough relationship with your child that they will come to you first in a difficult situation. No matter what, there will be times that they will make decisions you won’t necessarily agree with (just ask your own parents), but it’s how you respond that is most important. Let them know that you love them no matter what and that you’re always a safe place to land. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being your child’s comfort, even into their adult years. That’s your job. To teach them, to lead by example, and to be available to them when they need you most. We’ve told our teenagers that if there is ever a time when they feel uncomfortable about something that’s going on, they can call us and we will come rescue them. No questions asked. I don’t want them to feel obligated to stay in a bad situation & even allow themselves to fall to temptation because they were too scared to come to us. Our Father doesn’t do that to us. He picks us up from the darkest of places and loves us no matter where we are. He is our comfort and I that’s what I want to be for our children.

For me, this has been a lifetime struggle. It’s just been in the last couple years that I’ve admitted that it’s a problem for me. Seeing sex in such a casual way, through pornography, led me to allow myself to participate in some sexual ways that I’m ashamed of. Sex itself became an addiction to me. Once I allowed myself to cross that boundary, I found myself craving more. I had some very unhealthy, and sometimes dangerous, relationships. Thankfully, I am now married to an amazing man who loves me despite all my baggage. Unfortunately, he also struggles in this area. It’s something we have to be conscious about daily, but we’re getting through it. We are also doing what we can to break the cycle. We talk to our children & let them know that we’re always available. We have set boundaries with them and helped them to set their own boundaries as well. Above all, they know that Our Father is always there and is full of Grace and love for them.

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Sex Ed in a Christian Home--Making Loving Connections

2011-10-02T08:24:00.000-07:00

Welcome to our ongoing series about sexuality and relationships! This is a guest post from my dear friend, Lucy of Dreaming Aloud. I appreciate so very much her gracious permission to share this post, which I think is a great overview of what we are working for in teaching our children about loving connections. This is part of a series about how we teach our children about sexuality. As parents, we have an incredible responsibility. We need to give our children accurate, age-appropriate information, not only on the physical aspects of sexuality, but also on the emotional and spiritual ramifications. I hope you will join us in this discussion with your comments, links, ideas and stories. For the entire series, click here.

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Image credit x_MeSHaRi_x يالله التيسير

Let’s talk about… making loving connections

Have you ever wondered how you were going to do “the talk” about “the birds and the bees”. What to say and how, and of course when and how much. We know it’s important that children learn about sex and relationships at home, but how to do it without toe curling embarrassment on both sides. Few of us have good examples from our own childhood to follow and we’re aware that if we don’t broach the subject it will be left in the less than capable hands of peers and the media. Nowadays, due to living in such an over-sexualized, titillated culture, the job of “the talk” is not to generally explain anatomy or mechanics, as it was in the past. Contraception and disease are now part of the school curriculum, where kids are told all the reasons not to have sex, to be careful, to watch out for predators. But perhaps the most important parts, the reason why we all want to “do it”, the emotional, hormonal and very human relational aspects of sex are what we can really provide a solid grounding in at home. This is something we are all experienced in. We certainly don’t have all the answers, but we can show how we ourselves try to navigate these crucial paths. Home is where we can make the connections between love and sex, between bodies and feelings, between children and sex. The reason we often struggle with Sex is because we isolate it from its surroundings, we take it out of relationship. Talking about sex is not just explaining reproduction. Sexual education involves learning about our bodies, feelings of love, affection and attraction, companionship, passion, art, the dynamics of interpersonal relationships, self-esteem etc: sex is not just something that happens in bedrooms, its roots are in all aspects of our lives and our world.

Image credit Sequoia Hughes on Flickr

So what can we do to make a foundation of a healthy, esteemed understanding of sex and relationships? The first thing is not to wait until puberty hits. Sexual education starts when our children are babies and toddlers, at a level that they can understand. Learning about sex is learning about how all the creatures of the earth continue to exist. Flowers, puppies, sheep, ladybirds, all these provide great examples of reproduction to talk about. There are always babies and pregnant and breastfeeding women around raising questions in little minds. You start on a natural, gentle, need-to-know basis: they see you in the bath or getting dressed and ask why mummy and daddy look different, they discover their genitals whilst having their nappy changed, they want to know why they wear different clothes to their sister. All these are important learning opportunities to be seized, rather than gloss over with confusing fairy tales of cabbage patches and the like. This serves two purposes: firstly it means that sex is not a dark mysterious world of unknown fascinations when they reach their own sexual awakening. They know that you are approachable and knowledgeable about these matters. Secondly, it allows you to begin the dialogue, and get comfortable bracing the subject rather than putting it off - practice makes perfect and you will have many years then to add to and clarify their understanding.

As a society we are so aware of the negative sides of sexualisation of children through abuse, paedophilia and marketing, but we have still not acknowledged that sexuality does not emerge from nowhere, fully fledged in the teenage years. All children have their own physical sensations, their own experiences of physical pleasure, a need to feel love, affection and close bonds. They have a need to experiment and observe each other and their elders physically, and have a huge curiousity about their all parts of their bodies and how they work. It is a natural, unstoppable part of learning about the world, as long as it is within safe boundaries and the unfolding of it is instigated by the child, and at all times done in an atmosphere of mutual respect.

Language- I understand that many have strong beliefs about teaching their children to use the proper names for private parts, and have to admit that if you go to the doctor, telling him about your penis rather than your dooberry is certainly more direct and helpful for all involved. I don’t however agree, that the use of other, well known names, like willy is bad or wrong or shows a sense of embarrassment. I call my stomach my tummy, not through embarrassment but because it is a more casual word, the same with my scapula, my glutimus maximus and my umbilicus. Whatever you as a family decide, the naming of parts, especially for girls (as we have such a taboo still in this culture about the unspeakablity of female genitalia and sexuality) is crucial. Without language you cannot communicate about sex. Obviously terminology and details will evolve as the child gets older.

Communication- learning to communicate with parents about sex sets the stage for our children to be able to communicate with their own future partners about it. Having a language to express it acknowledges it as important and real.

Modeling- all learning is best based through modeling, that is learning by observation. I’m certainly not suggesting you have full blown intercourse in front of children, but affectionate gestures, hugs, strokes and kisses to show the basis of love and intimacy. Also explaining what is happening if they see animals mating or birthing.

Intimacy and emotions- modeling and talking about how physical and emotional intimacy are related is absolutely crucial for our children. Being able to express emotions, communicate feelings both verbally and physically, understanding the give and take that is involved in all loving, caring relationships.

Physical self esteem- most of us are sensitive to comments about our physicality, we absorb others impressions of us like a sponge from a very early age and internalize them as our own self image. How we feel about our physical selves has one of the greatest impacts on our later sexuality- nappy changing, toilet time and getting undressed and ready for bed, even infant massage classes are all times where children will pick up from us how they are supposed to feel about their bodies. Refrain from commenting or judging your children’s bodies except to show appreciation for their unique beauty and functionality, of all parts, nose and knees, eyes and tummies. Kiss, stroke and embrace, show them that they are loved, loveable and perfect as they are. Be especially sensitive around the changes of puberty, yours is not the place to commentate on each physical change, especially sprouting beards and breasts and spots, acknowledge it, but be very respectful of their growing need for physical privacy as they metamorphose into young adults.

Image credit dearoot on Flickr

Privacy, respect and boundaries- as children get older and more verbal, emphasise the need we all, including parents, have, for respect and privacy. Bedroom and bathroom doors may be closed, even locked, and someone outside must always knock, not just barge in. No teasing or harassing if people are caught in what should have been a moment of privacy. Also emphasising that our private parts, are just that, private, unless we choose to share them. This is not from a sense of prudery or shame, but respect. This emphasis on a need for respect and consent may also act as a powerful deterrent if a child is ever faced with an abuser- they know that they have a right to their own privacy and boundaries and to say no if they feel uncomfortable.

Work on your own issues- children pick up on our own unworked through anxieties and issues, they will get a gut feeling that there is something bad, wrong or dirty about sex and human bodies if this is what you believe, even if you don’t say it in as many words. For most of us our feelings about our bodies and sexuality and intimacy are endless works in progress, this is as it should be, but we need to try to be as clear and positive in our communications with our children about this subject.

Each family, each culture has its own guidelines and beliefs about sexuality, how and when it should be expressed and how the physical body should be shown, and it is important for children to know that different people do have different rules. But respect for the dignity and importance of the human body, its physical functions and reproductive capacity, and the need to cultivate lasting relationships are all universal human necessities. Be open, approachable, respectful. Be able to laugh and admit you don’t know. The greatest gift you can give your child is themselves unencumbered by doubts, shame or misinformation but rather physically and emotionally confident and curious about the adventures of love, sex and relationships that lie ahead.

"This article was previously published in JUNO magazine (http://www.junomagazine.com/). Lucy Pearce is contributing editor at JUNO and blogs at www.dreamingaloudnet.blogspot.com"

Sex Ed in a Christian Home--Too Much Romance?

2011-09-27T12:14:00.000-07:00

Welcome to our ongoing series about sexuality and relationships! This is a guest post from my dear friend, Pío. Pearl in Oyster is blessed to be the wife of a wonderful husband and the mother of a delightful three year old girl. She lives in rural Central California and blogs about the intersection between faith, motherhood and gentle discipline at gracefuldiscipline.blogspot.com.

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Like many young girls, I was a little bit boy crazy in junior high, high school and even college. I seemed to more readily befriend boys than girls, and so I constantly had an eye out to see if any of my guy friends were showing signs that they had a secret crush on me.

I knew all about secret crushes, you see. I’d often heard the story of my parents who were friends for three years when they suddenly realized they were in love, got engaged weeks later and were married in a matter of months.

In elementary school, if a boy teased me or gave me any sort of hard time at all, my mom would attribute it to that boy having a secret crush on me and not knowing any better way to get my attention.

Too, Mom would joke around with us kids about which classmate we’d grow up to marry. When I’d share one of my crushes with her, she’d encourage and participate in speculating and fantasizing what a future with whoever it may be would be like.

Image credit norika21 on Flickr

One of my favorite books and movies has long been Anne of Green Gables, and Gilbert Blythe’s long-standing torch for Anne strengthened my belief in the mythos of the secret crush and my longing that something so romantic would happen to me.

As I said, I was constantly on the lookout for signs that romance was about to bloom. Inevitably, I developed a few secret crushes of my own in the process. I internalized the message that romance, marriage and having a family were the primary goals of living, and without them life was less worthwhile and worse, that without them *I* was less worthwhile.

I dreamt and longed and yearned for my first kiss, and then after it happened at a party the night I graduated from eighth grade, continued to dream and long and yearn for the first kiss of the next new relationship, the next first date, the next “real” relationship. Whenever I was serious with someone, then I dreamt and longed and yearned to get engaged, plan a wedding, and so on. I was too busy dreaming and longing and yearning to notice if the fellow I was with was even right for me most of the time. As a result most of my relationships were with guys that were poor matches for me for one reason or another.

The message that romance is waiting to bloom around every corner and that life is less worth living without “that special someone” didn’t just come from my mom or from my obsession with Anne of Green Gables.

Romance novels, teen magazines, women’s magazines, movies (especially romantic comedies) all carry the message, and it’s fairly pervasive in TV sitcoms and dramas as well.

Romance novels and romantic comedies have been called “porn for women.” It’s not just because some of the scenes can get steamy, but because of the unrealistic expectations they set up. Just as all bodies are perfect or airbrushed and exaggerated in proportion in a girlie magazine, all life is unrealistically centered on romance in those entertainments. The souls and emotions of the people portrayed in the pages and on the screen are no more real than the bodies enhanced with silicone, makeup, lighting and digital wizardry in a pornographic image or film.

These are not the messages I want my daughter to grow up with.

Not only does it objectify the male gender as a means to fulfilling romantic dreams, but for me at least, it resulted in a limited understanding of my own value as a human being, and a reduced ability to trust God with my romantic future.

My self-worth became tied to a shifting set of romantic ideals, from whether or not a boy expressed romantic interest in me, to whether or not I was in a relationship; to how long that relationship lasted, to how serious that relationship was. The bottom line was that the closer to the ultimate goal of marriage and babies I seemed to be, the happier and more worthwhile I felt.

I had no sense of waiting on God’s timing for the right person to come along. In my mind, it was up to me to be attractive, to flirt, to be on the lookout for the “special someone” to come along.

In college, this sense of desperation made me an easy target for an emotionally abusive man, and made it more difficult to extract myself from the relationship once his true nature became clear. It made me more willing to experiment with physical intimacy and less able to maintain boundaries in the face of so called “romance.”

So what does this mean for Sexual Education in a Christian Home?

There’s not a simple formula answer. Certainly it’s a complex set of interactions between society and parenting, psychology and spirituality.

However, I can start by being conscious of the way I talk to my daughter about romantic relationships, not just when she is a teenager, but throughout her life. I especially want to guard against the temptation to do any fortune-telling of my own about any male friends she may have.

How can I actively fight the messages society sends that a person’s worth is tied to their “success” in romance?

Certainly I want my daughter to view motherhood and marriage as important and valuable, so downplaying the importance of those parts of life isn’t the whole answer.

I think the solution boils down to where she draws her value from and what she puts her trust in. I want her to feel loved for who she is at every stage of her life. I want her to be able to rest in God’s timing and trust His plan for her life.

I hope that attachment parenting and gentle discipline have given us a good start toward those goals. As I responsively met her needs as an infant, I taught her to trust and feel loved. As I gently discipline her with grace, I hopefully reflect God’s character. I can’t live her life for her, but I can set her up for success as much as possible with the spoken and implied messages I give her.

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Sex Ed in a Christian Home--In which I am grateful for Dobson

2011-09-24T15:32:00.000-07:00

Image credit Leo Reynolds on Flickr

This post was difficult to write. I considered many approaches: impersonal, personal, detailed, vague. I considered not writing it at all! But I think that one of the biggest problems with the way the Church has dealt with sexuality is that we haven't talked openly enough about it. It is much more comfortable to just avoid it.

I also believe that in the zeal for sexual purity, Christians have actually defiled our sexuality more than we have protected and honored it. We have rightly said that feeling good doesn't make it right. But we have gone beyond that and said that feeling good makes it wrong, and that is a lie that distorts the sacredness of sex.

For many children, the first tainting of their view of their bodies and sexuality occurs with self-exploration. The baby reaches down during a diaper change or bath, and instantly his hand is moved away with a show of embarrassment or shame, perhaps even anger or disgust. A toddler or preschooler who begins to touch herself and explore her own body is shamed even more. A huge number of parents flat out lie in their efforts to scare children away from touching themselves. And the message that gives is that the child is so horribly evil that the parents must resort to sin themselves in order to stop their wickedness. Do we seriously think that that is of God?

I was a precocious child. One day when I was about three, I was wriggling around on the floor and noticed, "Hey! That felt good!" It took a little while to figure out how to recreate that feeling, but I did. Later, I found that rubbing against the arm of the couch in my grandmother's home was convenient and pleasurable. What I didn't understand was the horror and shame that provoked from any grown ups in the vicinity. It was obviously something very, very bad. I just didn't understand why.

In spite of my mother's very evident distress, I persisted. It felt too good to stop. I could vaguely understand a need for privacy as I got older, but that wasn't enough--the fact that I was doing it at all grew to be a terrible weight of shame and guilt for me.

My mom was aware of it, and would occasionally refer in pained, shame-filled half-whispers to "my Habit". I asked her why it was so bad, and could tell that she was having a hard time with the answer. She told me that when she used to work in an orphanage that most of the children there did it, and that the director didn't seem to think it was so terrible. Yet, she still made it clear that it was very, very bad. I sensed that she was caught between unformed convictions and the church culture that labeled it a horrific sin. She was never harsh, and I don't think that she ever punished me at all for it, yet the fact that it seemed so troubling to her made me feel as guilty as if she had.

When I was baptized at 8 years old, I made a list of sins that I wanted to be dead and buried forever in my life. That was at the top of the list (above fighting with my sister, disrespect, and not reading my Bible/praying enough). For a few weeks I was fine. Then I slipped again. I was crushed. And that became a pattern for several years.

Although my mom was wonderful with teaching me about sexuality in general, and in giving me a positive view of sex, I don't recall her ever mentioning the topic of masturbation in connection with sex, or even the "m word" at all. All I remember is that she thought it was sinful, and that I absorbed all the shame and guilt possible from that. It wasn't until I was nearly an adult when I read of it that I realized that that is what it was.

Then I started looking at the Bible. I couldn't find any reference to it whatsoever. I studied some Christian authors, but they only made vague references to Onan, which didn't seem at all applicable to me, since there were no inheritance issues at stake. Most of them assumed that porn and sexual fantasies were involved, which there weren't. I wasn't looking at or even imagining anything. It was just a feel-good, physical stress release.

The only Christian author who didn't seem to think I was going to burn in Hell was, of all people, Dobson! I was shocked. What's more, he didn't imply that I was a sexual deviant or even a freakily unnatural girl. He seemed to believe that it was no big deal! I was stunned, but gasping with thankfulness and relief that maybe, just maybe, I wasn't guilty of a terrible sin.

I applaud his reasonableness and courage in going against the prevailing message of fear and shame that many parents still buy into. Sadly, Dobson was shredded by his brothers and sisters in Christ for his views. I have read webpages that demonize him, and when I checked Focus on the Family, it seemed that he had modified his comments to say that it wasn't good and that anyone who did it should stop, but he is still far less condemning than most other Christian writers.

I have shared before our approach to sexuality with our children. We value sexual purity. And I have come to believe that an important part of sexual purity encompasses viewing our bodies and God-given feelings and desires as good, and not tainting His design with shame and guilt over un-Biblical standards that are mere traditions made of men.

I have heard cautions, of course, about porn and lust. That one can become so accustomed to self-stimulation as to be unable to respond to a partner. Those were never the case for me, and although I recognize that they might be for some, I am not afraid of those outcomes without outside factors.

I have a suspicion that, much like an extreme focus on modesty often results in objectifying women more than would have been the case otherwise, a shame-based approach to sexuality is more likely to provoke lust. Perhaps in some cases, the perception that it is sinful causes some kids to assume that since it is so bad already, pornography is just the next logical step. I don't know.

As a Christian, when the Bible doesn't address something directly, I believe we should look to the larger message. I think that it is clear that lust is wrong. I don't believe masturbation always involves lust, though. And if/when it doesn't, I can't see what the problem is.

So when the topic comes up with my kids, I tell them that God made our bodies in a wonderful way, and agree that it does feel good. I also tell them that it is a private thing that it not to be shared with other people. Our bodies are special. All parts of them. And they were made to be enjoyed, by our spouse, sure, but also by us.

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Sex Ed in a Christian Home--Silent Talk

2011-09-22T13:17:00.000-07:00

Image credit Leo Reynolds on Flickr

From the very first moments of life, we begin teaching our children life-long lessons about their sexuality. Some of the most profound messages we will ever give them take place without a word.

When we gently caress their silky skin, smooch that little spot on the side of their necks that always makes them giggle, when we play patty cake--every time we demonstrate appropriate, loving touches, we are teaching them that their bodies are wonderful. They learn from snuggles and being held that they are loveable.

When we teach them the names of all their body parts, we show them that their bodies are special. I believe that it is important for them to learn correct names from the beginning. I have heard the argument that we use non-clinical names for tummy and so on. That is true, but it is also a pretty standard term used and understood by everyone, regardless of age. Most cutesy names for genitals are not. Aside from the important matter of accuracy, it conveys a great deal about our acceptance of them and of talking about sexuality. If we teach them that there is something shameful or embarrassing in the very name vulva or penis, they will internalize that. If we make it obvious that we don't want to talk about it, eventually they will stop talking to us and talk to someone else.

We teach our children about gender stereotypes from our first observations. Do our girls hear that they are strong and powerful? Do our boys learn that we value tenderness and sensitivity? Our society is so proficient at marketing gender roles that by age three, most girls and boys know that pink is a girl color, and blue is for boys, that girls are princesses (passive and prissy) and boys are tough and active. As toddlers, my little girl loved blue and Spiderman, and my son loved dolls and sparkly clothes. Within just a couple of years, though, they were telling each other that blue was for boys and dolls are for girls. I believe that colors are gender-neutral, and that both sons and daughters grow up to be parents. But we must speak up if we don't want our children to think there is something wrong with them.

We teach our children about body image through our own. Do they hear us putting ourselves down and criticizing our own bodies? Do we point out our flaws or gripe about our weight? Do they hear us make comments about other people and laugh at their appearance? Each word nails in deeper the truth about our values, and what their own bodies are worth.

We also teach them about sexuality when they first begin to say no. Comments like, "Give grandma a kiss or she'll be sad!" teach them to ignore their own body boundaries and give feigned affection to placate adults. Acknowledging and respecting their right to say no to unwanted touches is vital. It may mean intervening when relatives or friends try to bully them with unwanted hugs, kisses or tickles. The message we send about their right to say no is far more important than a miffed adult.

On a related note, it is important to reconsider the popular stance that in any dispute between a child and an adult, the parent is supposed to side with the adult, particularly if that adult is in a position of authority. Our society makes it clear that grown ups are supposed to be a united front, and that children are supposed to obey adults. Predators capitalize on this. Children who internalize those messages may not even bother to tell about sexual abuse, assuming that the adult was right and that they (the child) are to blame, or that they wouldn't be believed, anyway.

What they witness in our marriage matters, too. They learn how to treat others and how they should be treated based on what they see. We teach them about gender roles. We teach them what affectionate touch looks like. What friendship with a spouse means. What healthy boundaries are. How to have healthy and respectful disagreements. I think most of us are works in progress in this area, but I would encourage you that if you are concerned about what they see, work on changing the relationship, not at doing a better job of hiding the problems.

Before our children ever hear about the mechanics of sex, they are picking up all kinds of messages from us about the value and worth of their bodies, about the extent of their control over their bodies, and about what it means to be male or female, and what relationships should be. We need to be conscious about the silent talk that we are giving them, because our actions do speak much louder than words.

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Sex Ed in a Christian Home--Starting the Talk

2011-09-21T06:44:00.000-07:00

Image credit Leo Reynolds on Flickr

I am in awe of the imagination of God. Our bodies are amazing. Sex is amazing. I want my children to value the sacredness, the beauty, the hilarity and delight of their sexuality. Yet so often in Christian circles, the only message given to our children is, "Don't!" I think that makes a shame-filled, hollow mockery of the purity that we claim to pursue.

We bemoan the cheap and tawdry ubiquity of sexual images and references in our culture, but if we don't provide an intentional, alternative message to our kids, then that is the default they are left with. I don't want my children's perception of sexuality to be formed by Bratz dolls, Toddlers and Tiaras, or even their peers. Nor do I want it formed by misogynistic, pseudo-Victorian beliefs that have been shrouded in religious trappings. I have to speak up if I want them to hear my message.

One of the problems with waiting to have The Talk at puberty is that there is simply way too much to discuss. For many, it winds up being an awkward summary of the mechanics and a warning against pregnancy and STDs. Whether from embarrassment or ignorance or lack of thought, there are all kinds of issues regarding sexuality that never make it into discussions in many homes. Things like gender roles and expectations. Masturbation. Emotional and spiritual aspects of sex. Porn and sexual addictions. Questioning sexual orientation. Modesty and sexual purity beyond guilt-mongering.

It doesn't fit into a single Talk--it must be an ongoing conversation. I don't have all the answers, by any means. But my children and I talk all the time. And it is good. I can see the foundation that they have already about their bodies, about their rights to control their bodies and say no (and eventually, yes), their comfort with discussing sex, relationships,and everything else.

I am incredibly blessed by all the wise and loving family, friends and fellow parents who speak into my life. They have helped me and given me ideas, information, and encouragement on this topic, and I am privileged to be able to share their voices with you. This is going to be an ongoing series on topics associated with sexuality and parenting. I have several guest posts lined up, and a bunch in the works. Your questions, comments, suggestions, stories, links and ideas are very, very much appreciated! I am approaching this as a Christian, but this discussion is not intended to be exclusive. Please feel free to share regardless of your religious beliefs. I do ask that everyone please keep your comments courteous and respectful. I am looking forward to starting the talk with you!

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It's Not Just About Spanking

2011-09-14T08:06:00.000-07:00

Image credit Ed Yourdon on Flickr

"I just don't know what to do. I don't want to hit her, but how else can I control her?"

"Well, I have found loss of privilege to be effective. If she doesn't do what you want, start taking away things that matter to her. Cut off any spending money, time on the computer, going out with friends. Or you can always do a time-out."

"I tried that, but she gets so worked up. You should have seen her tantrum the other day! She came home from work and had a meltdown for no reason. She wanted me to help clean the house or something, and when I said no, she flipped."

"Yeah, my wife does that, too. The important thing is to never give in. Stay strong and refuse to pay any attention. Eventually, she'll stop."

"You're right. I can't let her win, or she will just learn that she can get what she wants any time she cries. I just feel like she doesn't respect me."

"That is awful. Do you think her friends are a bad influence?"

"Yeah, I should probably limit her time with them. Our marriage was so much easier before."

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Even when we choose not to spank, it can be incredibly difficult to get out of the punitive mindset. I know that a parent-child relationship has some differences from a marriage, but I still think that it is ludicrous to suppose that domineering, adversarial thinking is healthy for *any* relationship. Looking to other forms of punishment such as time-out, etc., perpetuates the same dynamic as spanking, even if it is physically more gentle. It is very difficult to change, though. It is so deeply ingrained in our culture that we rarely notice the contradictions or absurdity of the way we relate to children.

Striking a child is a tangible act. Emotional punishments are much more subtle. Yet can we really suppose that deliberately hurting our child emotionally is benign? How many adults still struggle with the shaming messages that they heard as children? If we shun and isolate our children for expressing big emotions, can we logically expect them to confide in us as they grow older? If we are constantly suspicious of negative intentions on their part, when will they realize that we are going to believe the worst anyway and stop trying to please us? If we treat them as nuisances, how are they to know they are worth any more than that? If we still try to manipulate them through rewards and punishments, does it erode intrinsic motivation any less simply because the punishment isn't physical?

One of the glaring problems in the dialogue at the beginning of the post was the focus of the relationship: control. Control should never be the focus of a loving relationship. "But I am the parent! I have to control my child!" Certainly, you have a responsibility to keep your child and others safe. But if your are trying to control their emotions, thoughts and beliefs, or emphasizing control rather than connection, your attempts are misguided and will ultimately hurt you both, because you are violating healthy boundaries. Instead, you need to respectfully give them tools which they can use to express themselves in healthy ways, and set your mind and heart on loving them.

But the Bible says that children should obey their parents! Yes, it does. That is talking to the children, not to the parents. It does not say that parents should force children to obey. In Hebrew, obedience means that one has fully heard, understood from the heart and chosen to obey. Crystal Lutton has some great resources on this. True obedience is like respect--something that is freely granted, not demanded or coerced.

I get that there are times (rarely) where we may have to require compliance when obedience isn't granted. In those cases, we can make it as respectful as possible. Think of how you would treat an honored guest in that position. Maintain emotional boundaries--that means control your own emotions, not theirs. Give them as much dignity as you can. (You are much more likely to retain your own dignity that way!).

The truth is that every argument against spanking applies just as well to other forms of punishment. We must renew our minds. Jesus warned that putting new wine into old wineskins doesn't work out well. Once we taste the new wine of grace based discipline, if we try to put it into our old paradigms of punishment and control, we are just asking for explosions.

Grace is about a whole new outlook. It means treating my children the way I would want to be treated if I were them in that situation. It means forgiveness, compassion and connection. It means assigning positive intent. It means that I don't have to be the bad guy, because we are not enemies. It means finding ways to work together so that everyone's needs are met, and all healthy boundaries are honored. It isn't just about spanking or not spanking--it is about growing together in respect and love.

Starry Night

2011-09-12T06:47:00.000-07:00

Image credit noahg on Flickr

I mentioned at the beginning of the summer that I wanted to be open to new adventures. I read about Blessed Mama's camping trip with a bit of envy and it sparked the thought that it might be fun for our kidlets to sleep out under the stars. We don't have a tent, or even sleeping bags, though, so I regretfully tried to squash the impulse. Until we went outside in the gorgeous twilight, and the kids didn't want to come in. I told myself that we would probably make it back inside the house before midnight, and to just go with the adventure.

The kids were shocked and delighted when I started grabbing blankets and taking them outside. We settled into our spots, except for Elena, who kept popping up like a Jack-in-the-box and dancing around. The second time that she woke the baby I got really grouchy, but eventually recovered and apologized. Before long, both little ones were sleeping and the older two were happily counting stars.

We watched the rabbit in the moon, picked out a couple of constellations, then listened to the buzz and chirp of the local nightlife and scanned the heavens for falling stars. All the kidlets were sound asleep before ten thirty. I, on the other hand, found myself wondering if any creepy crawlies might decide to join us in the blankets. Sleeping right on the ground suddenly seemed like a not so great idea. I also discovered that despite plenty of natural padding, my bones on the ground were not particularly comfortable. The neighbor's dog began to bark and a mosquito whined in my ear. I probably would have gone back inside, but I didn't want to wake the kidlets.

Then I began to notice the sweet smells of the grass. To really look at the sparkling diamonds strewn across heaven's floor. The chirp and hum of the insects began to sound relaxing (it helped that the mosquito left without dinner). I grabbed an extra pillow and positioned it under my hip and fell asleep.

Of course, we woke a few times. The babies actually slept amazingly well--they didn't wake up any more than usual. Around 2:00, the dew was noticeable, and I slipped inside for additional blankets. The kidlets snuggled closer like a pile of little puppies, but we were dry and warm underneath the blankets.

Around 5:30, Ariana woke up and we snuggled and whispered together about dew and falling stars and planets, theology and astronomy and Oz. It grew light a little after 7:00, and as the sweetlings woke up, I brought them hot chocolate. The light in their eyes was brighter than the sun as they realized that they had stayed out the whole night. :) We cuddled and giggled, and they said it was the best night ever. <3

I am so glad that I yielded to the impulse and said yes!

Love Songs

2011-09-07T07:08:00.000-07:00

"...the morning stars sang together, and all the children of God shouted for joy..." Job 37:8

Do you sing love songs? I sing over my babies. Each time I got pregnant, before ever getting a positive test, I woke up in the night singing a praise song for the baby inside of me. Although I don't consider myself much of a singer (I can usually get about three notes in any given key, and the rest are too high or too low), there is something about a newborn that begs for a tender, joy-filled, love-bursting lullaby. Each of my babies has a little song that welled up inside me right after they were born. I still sing them to them, even to my seven year old, and get all teary-eyed listening to my five year old come up with his own little love song to his baby sister (it almost always makes her stop crying).

In my last post, I mentioned that God sings over us. I still am filled with wonder over that. I picture Him cradling me in His arms, filled with the same overwhelming love that I have holding my little ones, and it takes my breath away that He could love me like that. Not resigned tolerance. Not impatience or disappointment. Joy. Delight. Contentment.

That is what He sings over us. Promise. Hope. Laughter. Security. Love.

That is what I want to sing over the people in my life.

Something in our culture seems to encourage us to screech or croak discord. Shortly after Carlos and I were married, we started hanging out with some other young couples. We gradually stopped, because I always came away feeling uncomfortable. The wives did nothing but complain and gripe about their husbands. I have heard a lot of parents do that with their kids. They use words for their families that sound as if they are enemies--war marches instead of love songs.

I get the need to vent at times. Really. And I do it--sometimes here, sometimes to my friends, always to God. Sometimes I struggle with the balance between authenticity and choosing to speak Truth and blessings over others. But when I dig really deep, I almost always find that the things that I complain about are not the real issue at all. They are just signals to look beyond the surface, to check my boundaries, and to practice love. Love does not look like excusing or ignoring boundary violations. It isn't a sticky, sugary passivity in the face of wrong, even if (especially if) the wrong is being done by someone I love dearly. Sometimes it means confrontation, and holding tight to boundaries meant to protect myself and others.

Living right in the middle of Name It and Claim It headquarters (or Blab It and Grab It theology), I have heard some ridiculous (not to mention greedy) things. I don't want to get all weird, yet I also believe very strongly that there is an element of prophecy in what we sing over others. When Mary sang over Jesus, when Miriam and Deborah sang over God's deliverance of their people, when Hannah sang over Samuel--there was a power singing through them that went beyond nice words and a melody. We become Namers when we sing over others.

“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice." ~ Peggy O'Mara

I still feel sad when I remember hearing a perfectly nuanced sigh that sounded identical to mine coming from my daughter over a childish mishap. I don't want the inner voice in my family to be of sighs, exasperation or criticism. I want them to hear me singing love songs over them, joining in the chorus with the God who sings for joy over us.

Image credit: Image Editor on Flickr

Delight Yourself in the Lord

2011-08-31T07:15:00.000-07:00

I love the expression of delight on her face. :)

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." ~ Psalm 37:4 NASB This is the question my friend challenged me with: How do you delight in the Lord? We all know the mind over matter, love is a choice ideas. But delight? That comes down to more than just a mental choice for me--there is emotion and a deep down heart response. Does fake it till you make it cut it here? I don't know, although I have some doubts.

But when I consider what I do delight in--my baby laughing, my husband giving me that look, hugs from the kidlets, savoring a perfect glass of creamy, rich iced coffee, the satisfaction of a perfectly written line of dialogue by one of my favorite authors, a glorious sky painted in vivid colors, my favorite song coming on Pandora exactly when I am in the mood for it--it all comes back to a common denominator. Awareness. Focused attention. Because if I am preoccupied with other things, I can miss the joy of all of those. It takes a moment of concentration and letting go of everything else to fully experience delight.

"Nothing is as important as wasting time with God." ~ Jamie Buckingham. In Spanish, verse 4 says to enjoy the presence of the Lord. "Disfruta de la presencia del Señor." (RVC) To me, the delight of wasting time with someone I love is the way that the underlying awareness of their presence imbues mundane activities with joy.

God also delights in us, you know. Zeph. 3:17 has always been one of my favorite verses. The NIV says, "He will take great delight in you." There are a lot of variations in the middle of the verse depending on translation, but they all begin by saying that the Lord is with us. It always seems to come back to being together before we experience delight.

So today I want to intentionally sniff around for His fragrance in my day. To look for the sparkle in His eyes peering through my children. To listen for His heartbeat in the arms of my husband. For His whisper amid the cacophony of everyday activities with four ~~rambunctious~~ energetic kidlets. To spend time gazing into His eyes by myself, regardless of the demands of all the "things that must be done today". To waste some time with the Lover of my soul. To really, truly delight in Him.

Myth Busters, Relationships Edition: Humility and Sacrifice

2011-08-30T09:33:00.000-07:00

So often the clichés that are a standard feature of Churchianity are based on a misunderstanding of Scripture, and are actually dangerous doctrines made of men. I recently read a post on Gentle Christian Mothers by Crystal Lutton that exposed a couple of lies that many of us who grew up in the church bought into. She graciously granted me permission to repost it here. I know that my family has benefited in many ways thanks to Crystal's writings. Please check out her site--she has so much more to share on grace based living! <3

*****

Two doctrines that were utterly toxic to me, especially when I was younger.

1) It has to be less of you and more than God

and

2) Love is a choice and involves sacrifice.

Are these two statements true? Yes. BUT . . . the first statement is NOT something we can DO, and the second statement requires a very clear view of the situation in order to understand what "Love" is and what the necessary sacrifice must be. It's not what *you* consider to be sacrifice--it's what lines up with God's Word (even if it costs you).

But these things were taught without healthy explanation or interpretation--and without healthy modeling of what it looks like.

I am an ENFP, sanguine, Type 3 (get it done) woman--and what the above played out as in my life looked something like this:

I meet a guy--he doesn't know or really love the Lord. That's okay--I love God and I can share God's love with him. (It's important to know this was NOT "missionary dating". I was "loving" them as they were and sacrificially willing to be with them even if they weren't able (due to whatever pain was in their life) to know and love God. I figured if they experienced unconditional love they would be able to receive it from Him.

We start dating and my feelings are strong and we get close really quickly--emotionally and physically--but obviously not spiritually because he doesn't love God.

So now we're involved and I'm invested and I'm realizing it's vital for this relationship to be healthy for them to treat me well but I can't argue for what I need and expect based on God's Word (which he doesn't respect), so I sacrifice and try to deal with what is coming my way and remind myself that love requires sacrifice.

When things aren't working out in the relationship I remind myself that it always has to be less of me and more of God so I try to make myself smaller. I try to not react with emotion (more of me) and instead turn more to prayer and other spiritual pursuits.

This cycle continues until I have no boundaries left in tact, there is none of me in the relationship and, because the other person doesn't love God with all their heart, soul, mind and strength or love me as themselevs, there is also no God there anymore (I've stopped anything overtly Christian if it makes them upset).

In truth, no one can *make* there be less of them and more of God. Not only does God create us in our own unique way and ask us to BE who we are (albeit a holy version of ourselves if we are saved ) but it is most often that being who we are is what is needed in a situation we are in--that's why we're there and not someone else.

And, sacrifice means putting God's Word (not another person) ahead of everyone and everything. The key is not how well we can love another person--but how much we love God first so that our love of the other person is an overflow of the love we have with God. When all 3 parties in a relationship are in unity of purpose and vision we all move together in an ever increasing love

I think the last thought I'm having as I write this is what has most changed my life recently. I've learned that "humility" is understood by the Jewish mind as meaning this:

you take up exactly the amount of space in the world that you need. No more, no less.

and "as you need" does NOT mean "as you can get by with--and if you're someone who can sacrifice a lot you will require less space so do that."

God created you to occupy a certain amount of space in this world. You are rightfully to have all of that space. You don't have to feel guilty for it--or bemoan it.

To take up more is arrogance; to take up less is self-abasement. Both are insults to someone created in the image of God. Neither is something we should require or enable of someone else.

When we give our space to someone we encourage the sin of arrogance; when we try to take more space for ourselves from others we are encouraging the sin of self-abasement.

Are you taking up the amount of space God created you to fill in this world? And in your marriage?

__________________

An Idealistic Control Freak Considers Unschooling

2011-08-24T15:13:00.000-07:00

Image credit bjmcdonald on Flickr

I have always thought that those personality quizzes from magazines and Facebook are fun. I've always considered myself to be ~~a self-absorbed, navel-gazing perfectionist who takes herself far too seriously~~ um, self-aware. The results for me seem to fluctuate a bit depending on the test/my mood, but there are a couple of constants: I am an extreme introvert, and an idealist. When I was younger, the introvert part caused some anguish, but I have pretty much made peace with that. Now it is the idealist part that I struggle with. It is extremely important to me to be authentic and consistent, and it really bothers me when my life and my beliefs don't mesh as well as I would like.

Like Jacob, I wrestle and wrestle and refuse to let go of it, even when I don't seem to be getting anywhere. This school year is resurrecting all my issues regarding unschooling, and I have been a total grouch. Not only have the kids been responding to my lack of peace, but also to my lack of boundaries. When I am uncertain about where I stand, they have a knack for pushing on that very spot until I come to clarity. In other words, we have been butting heads a lot over school work.

I am really drawn in my heart to unschooling. Deep down, it is what I believe. Or at least, what I want to believe. We pretty much have done that up until now. But now I am homeschooling two kids, and the oldest is in second grade. We should be taking this seriously! (said in my sternest voice). I am a college instructor, and spent five years teaching K-12. Even though my experience lines up with unschooling, my programming doesn't. I am afraid.

I have always thought that fear was a terrible reason to homeschool. I pitied the children whose parents homeschooled them out of fear of contamination by the big, bad evil world. But now my choices regarding their education seem to be just as fear-based (and just as inaccurate). On days when they happily dive into new material, I rejoice. Yesterday, I read two chapters of a fabulous thriller written by my seven year old. Her story was remarkable. Visions of a future where she was being published danced in my head. I listened to my five year old happily count by odd then even numbers, fives, tens and hundreds, and smiled smugly to myself. It was working! Then, today, when they wanted to spend all day playing computer games, I felt like a failure.

My children taught me to trust their bodies and mine with breastfeeding. They taught me to trust the process of birth. They have been teaching me to trust their hearts and desire to grow and treat others well as I discipline them. And, slowly but surely, they are teaching me to trust their desire to learn. But I am not quite there yet. I freak out inwardly. I feel inadequate to provide the kind of environment and support that will really allow them to excel. And, I'll be honest--my pride trembles and quakes lest they seem to be lacking in things that other kids their age are being taught, even if the actual content is irrelevant.

So, what is an idealistic control freak to do?

I don't know yet. But I am slowly realizing that it doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing approach. Kids in public school are not motivated to study academics all day every day. Expecting it from my own children seems a tad unreasonable. But, they are far more motivated than many of us have been trained to believe.

It is easy for me to shake my head at the one-size-fits-all mentality in obstetrics, in vaccinations, in sleep issues and breastfeeding, and even education, as long as it is abstract. But in real life? With a toddler and three year old who make any kind of schoolwork with the older two a challenge?

I am trying to find the balance between backing off and supporting them, and nudging and leading them into things that they might enjoy and profit from tremendously, if they only had more exposure to them. Maybe one day I will wake up and realize that there really isn't a conflict at all. Maybe I will grow in trust. Maybe I will see that it isn't working and that we need something far more structured. I don't know yet. I just know that I am learning and stretching and growing right along with them, and that this whole parenting gig is really tough, as well as full of unspeakable joy.

I will keep you updated as I process through this, and I welcome your input! Now, I am off to examine my belly-button lint in microscopic detail...

I Spanked My Dog and He Turned Out Fine

2011-08-16T07:27:00.000-07:00

Image credit litlnemo on Flickr

I have to laugh at people who are against hitting your animals to train them. I whipped my dog like there was no tomorrow...he didn't hate me...he didn't have trust issues with me because of it...he didn't fear me...but he darn sure respected me! And he learned what his boundaries were and knew what would happen if he broke them...he wasn't abused...he was disciplined...*Repost if your dog got smacked and survived it...God put us over animals for a reason!*

Somehow, I doubt that many of my animal loving friends would repost this, or that there would be a ton of likes every time someone did. I suspect that there might even be some dissenting voices saying that there are better ways to treat our pets.

Of course, Dobson describes in horrific detail beating his tiny dog with a belt to establish his dominance, and the Pearl's view of animal training is similar. They also compare children to wild animals often, so at least they are consistent in their desire to beat anything smaller or more helpless.

Yet this Facebook status is making the rounds: "I have to laugh at people who are against spanking... My parents whipped my butt like there was no tomorrow... I didn't hate them... I didn't have trust issues with them because of it... I didn't fear them... But I darn sure respected them! And I learned what my boundaries were and knew what would happen if I broke them... I wasn't abused... I was disciplined... *Re-post if you got your butt smacked and survived it... God put extra padding back there for a reason!*"
Each time I have read it, I have started and deleted responses. For one thing, I get emotional and it is hard to type an articulate response when your hands are shaking. I know that most people who post this have no idea how this could affect others.

What bothers me so much? For starters, the mocking tone. I have known far too many people who have lasting damage from spanking (including spanking "the right way") to consider it a laughing matter. I have shared letters from a couple of people who described their experiences. Their utter contempt for the real abuse suffered by many flies directly in the face of the compassion shown by Christ.

Whether or not they are accurate in their assessment of the impact of spanking in their own family is impossible to say, but from what I have seen there is often a lot of denial. The pervasive shame and self-worth issues, the anger and lack of ability to create and maintain healthy boundaries are all part of the rotten fruit of spanking that many struggle with as adults. But, like with smoking, there are some who may not be harmed to the same extent as others.

The problem is, even if they don't see any harm from spanking in their own lives, they are perpetuating it as something beneficial and even Godly in families that are clearly abusing their children. Each time they like or repost or make joking comments about kids needing a good whipping, they are reinforcing the idea that it is good and that children deserve to be hit. And the abusers nod and smile, and their children hear from yet another source that this is right, it is what they deserve and that God wants them to be hit by their parents.

"Oh, but of course I don't condone abuse!" "Spanking in anger is always wrong." "It has to be done the right way." Cop outs. Abuse is surprisingly subjective, and the people who do it rarely believe that they are. They are often doing less to their children than was done to them, so that makes it OK in their eyes. Anger and depression are insidious, and it often isn't until they stop spanking that they realize how often, how hard or how angrily they were actually hitting their children.

You don't know what is going on in families that look good on the surface. Families where you are sure that the parents would never be abusive. Please read Avoiding Millstones.

Hitting pets is wrong. Hitting children is wrong. There are far better ways to teach both. The truth is that both pets and children want to love those who take care of them, even if they are mistreated at times. That doesn't make hitting them right. Just because we can be forgiven is not license to be a bully. If you are against violence towards animals and children both, like or repost. ;)

Breastfeeding and Food Allergies

2011-08-07T09:32:00.000-07:00

Image credit chrisinplymouth on Flickr

After more than seven and a half years of nursing, it is like wearing a comfy pair of shoes. It is just what I do. And although I love all of the amazing changes and stages, we have had some rough spots. Nursing through pregnancy. Nursing aversion. Mastitis. Cracked and bleeding nipples that lasted well over a month. One of the most overwhelming was dealing with my children's food allergies while nursing. But after more than five and a half years of it, I am surprised by how easy it has become.

When Ariana was a baby, I noticed that sometimes she would get tiny little bumps on her cheekbones after nursing. She seemed gassy and fussy fairly often (we used Mylicon on a regular basis), and sometimes when changing her diaper, she had a red, bull's-eye ring around her anus. I didn't realize that these were all signs of possible food allergies. We started solids at 6 months, and she was eating eggs, wheat, dairy, etc. by or before she was a year old.

When she was two and Joel was almost a month old, he began screaming with every nursing session. He would arch his back and twist his head as far as he could. It was heartbreaking. I shared with some other moms on my breastfeeding board and the nearly unanimous response was to try eliminating dairy. I was desperate, and even though I am addicted to cheese, I began ruthlessly cutting out every trace of dairy from my diet. Within two days, I could see a dramatic difference. It took several more days for the dairy to completely leave his system, but he went back to the happy baby he had been as a newborn.

It was more than worth it to have him stop screaming, but it was incredibly daunting. Every bite of food became an ordeal. Grocery shopping took forever the first few weeks as I pored over labels. This was before they were required to list the top 8 allergens, and I was looking suspiciously at things like caramel coloring and wondering if they contained dairy. I can still remember the screaming and pain after I ate some clear broth soup that I was sure would be dairy-free, only to find out that it contained bouillon, which has dairy.

I really struggled with resentment when my husband was oblivious to the effort and frustration of every single bite. It was hard enough at home, but when we would eat out or with family and friends it was a million times worse. I hated having to grill them over every possible ingredient, but bringing my own food felt rude, too. One year at Thanksgiving, some family told me that they had made mashed potatoes without milk so that I could have some. Just as I was about to eat a bite, I noticed how creamy they looked and asked if there was any butter. "Oh, yes. We always put in lots of butter." I tried to smile as I explained that I couldn't eat them, but inwardly I was so disappointed, for both of us.

There is a lot of confusion about allergies, intolerances and preferences. I feared that a lot of people considered our dairy elimination as merely a preference and didn't take it seriously. At one restaurant, I ordered the meal without cheese. When it arrived with melted cheese all over, I politely explained that we were allergic to dairy, and sent it back. It came back with most of the cheese scraped off. :head desk. (For the record, even if that was merely a preference, I would find that terrible service from a restaurant).

It took weeks before I began to find my footing. Gradually, I built up a list of generally safe foods/brands. I still had to think about every bite, but it didn't take nearly as long. I missed my favorite foods a lot, especially cheese. I could adjust to rice milk, Smart Balance light, and coconut milk ice cream. I learned to adapt recipes, and thanked God daily for Oreos. But I never found an acceptable cheese substitute.

I had been eliminating dairy for several months when Ariana started showing more symptoms. Eczema breakouts, then hives. The hives only happened a couple of times, but I pushed hard for allergy testing. I wondered if I was making too big of a deal about it, if it was all in my head. Then the results came back. She was allergic to dairy, wheat, eggs, corn, peanuts, olives and green beans. While a tiny part of me felt relief that it wasn't just my imagination, that was drowned by the sheer terror. WHAT was left to eat that didn't contain any of those ingredients?!

Once again, we went through the weeks of poring over labels, looking up ingredients from restaurants on the Internet, and trying to adapt. This time it was harder because I had to explain to a three year old over and over why she could no longer have any of her favorite foods. She was a trooper, but it made me sad to deny her or see her left out at birthday parties or other places. She even reacted to the wheat in Play-Dough.

Her eczema cleared up, though. She was diaper-free at night as soon as we eliminated the wheat and she actually began sleeping all night. Her behavior changed noticeably, she was less irritable and aggressive with her little brother. We began eating more healthfully as a family (sometimes. We also indulged in junk food that was free of our allergens, just because we could). I also became a very inventive cook, because I was determined to say yes to my children's food preferences as much as possible, and also because I had to make food that was safe for the whole family that we actually wanted to eat.

Joel started breaking out in hives and having tummy issues just before he turned two. He seemed fine with dairy, and tests came back negative, but with incredibly high positives to corn, and lower reactions to black beans and pork. Before Elena was a year old, she was showing signs of allergies, too, including a trip to the ER after breaking our in hives the size of my fist from head to toe. All her tests came back negative, but she showed clear reactions to eggs and berries. When Amaya was a few months old she started reacting to corn and chocolate (woe is me!) and possibly to pork.

What I have learned from all this is that it gets easier. It is possible to breastfeed multiple kids while eliminating multiple allergens. The learning curve at the beginning is really tough, but once you adjust it becomes like any other discipline.

The allergy part is still confusing to me because of all the contradictory information out there. I won't tell you when to start solids and which ones, whether or not small amounts through breastmilk that don't provoke a noticeable reaction are good for desensitizing or if they increase the chances for the child to remain allergic, what role vaccines might play, whether or not alternative treatments are effective, or any medical advice, because I just don't know.

What I DO know is that after five and a half years of breastfeeding fool-allergic kiddos, I am happy with that choice. It isn't nearly as difficult now as it was even three or four years ago. (Thankfully, the kidlets have outgrown some of the allergies. I can have cheese now. But I think I would rather have chocolate. Sigh.) I am still more grateful than I can say to all the friends who patiently answered questions, encouraged me, commiserated with me, and helped us to be successful with breastfeeding through the challenge of so many food allergies.

Do you suspect food issues with any of your nurslings? Are you trying to navigate dietary challenges? Do you need a hug or an ear from other moms who have been through this? Your comments and questions are welcome! <3

***

I’m celebrating World Breastfeeding Week with Natural Parents Network!
You can, too — link up your breastfeeding posts from August 1-7 in the linky below, and enjoy reading, commenting on, and sharing the posts collected here and on Natural Parents Network.

(Visit NPN for the code to place on your blog.)

Repost: La lactancia más allá de la infancia

2011-08-03T09:54:00.000-07:00

Enlace para la fiesta bloguera

Escribí esto hace unos meses, pero quiero compartirlo de nuevo como parte de la semana mundial de la lactancia materna. Estoy tan emocionada de tener la oportunidad de participar con estas mamás maravillosas. Por favor, lee los otros posts, también. :)

Hay muchas cosas escritas sobre la lactancia y los bebés, pero, ¿cómo es amamantar a un niño mayorcito? Hace varios meses, escribí acerca de algunas de las preguntas que recibo sobre la lactancia durante el embarazo. Sé que muchas personas sienten curiosidad acerca de lo que es tener un niño que todavía toma pecho, por lo que una vez más, voy a compartir algunas de nuestras experiencias. Obviamente, cada relación lactante entre mamá e hijos es única, pero aquí están nuestras respuestas a algunas de las preguntas:

¿Cuáantos años tienen tus hijitos?
Todavía amamanto a mi hijo de cinco años de edad, a su hermanita de casi tres años y a la chiquitita de once meses. :) Mi hija mayor se destetó a los cuatro años.

¿Siempre pensabas amamantar por mucho tiempo?
Originalmente, iba a dar pecho por 6 meses. Tal vez un año, con tal de que todo saliera bien. Luego, después del nacimiento de mi hija, empecé a aprender mucho más sobre la lactancia y lo increíble que es la leche materna. Leí información de varias organizaciones como la Organización Mundial de la Salud que recomiendan un mínimo de dos años. Luego leí en algunos foros sobre el destete dirigido por el niño. Yo no conocía a nadie que había dado pecho por tanto tiempo, y me pareció bastante extraño. Sin embargo, cada día estaba aprendiendo a tener más confianza en mi hija y en mi cuerpo. En poco tiempo, yo estaba comprometida a esperar hasta que mis hijos escogieran destetarse.

Así que, bueno, ¿amamantar a tres hijos? ¿Cómo funciona eso?
Bastante bien, por lo general. Por lo menos dos de mis hijos toman pecho desde 2006, y después de tanta práctica ahora es fácil.:) Mis hijos aprenden a compartir desde muy chiquitos de esta manera. :) He escrito más sobre esto en otros posts, pero no es como tener trillizos. Los niños mayores son capaces de esperar si estoy ocupada, y no toman pecho con tanta frequencia como un bebé.

¿Con qué frecuencia toman pecho? ¿Por cuánto tiempo? ¿Puedes hacer algo además de sentarte en el sofá y amamantar por todo el día?
Algunos días, jaja. Mi hijo de cinco años generalmente amamanta por un par de minutos una vez al día. Sin embargo, a veces pasa varios días sin tomar pecho. A medida que se acerca hasta el destete, esos tiempos probablemente se incrementarán. La niña de dos años de edad toma pecho por casi cinco minutos un par de veces durante el día y una o dos veces por la noche. La bebé amamanta por casi diez minutos cada dos o tres horas todavía, porque toma leche materna casi exclusivamente. En total, pues sí significa una gran cantidad de tiempo dedicado a la lactancia, pero es un momento de tranquilidad en nuestro día, especialmente para los mayores, que son muy activos y enérgicos. Desde luego, ¡no nos limitamos a estar en casa todo el día! Mis tetas y mi bebé me acompañan dondequiera que yo voy. :)

¿Das pecho en público?
Sí. Los dos mayores casi nunca piden leche en público, y si lo hacen por lo general hay una buena razón. La bebé toma pecho cuando y donde quiera.

¿Has tenido reacciones negativas?
Hasta ahora, no. Creo que ni se le ocurre a la mayoría de las personas que están tomando pecho - ellos solamente ven a un pequeñito acurrucado en mis brazos.

¿No te duele? Quiero decir, ya les salieron todos los dientes!
En realidad, la lengua siempre cubre los dientes inferiores mientras está tomando pecho, y por eso los dientes no son un problema. Mientras que abran bien la boca, no estoy incómoda a menos que yo esté embarazada. Entonces, mis pezones se ponen muy sensibles por las hormonas.

¿Qué más comen? ¿No necesitan más que la leche? De hecho, he oído que no hay ningún valor nutricional en absoluto después de los 6 meses / 1 año / cualquier fecha.
Empezamos a ofrecerles comida cerca de un año, y comen todo lo que comen y tanto y tan a menudo como la mayoría de niños de su edad (aparte de algunas alergias a los alimentos). En cuanto a su valor nutritivo, la leche todavía tiene una cantidad significativa de nutrientes, calorías, grasas saludables y anticuerpos. De hecho, el nivel de algunos anticuerpos sube después de un año. http://maternidadycrianza.activoforo.com/t177-lactancia-mas-alla-del-ano, y http://guiadelactanciamaterna.wordpress.com/ tienen más información al respecto.

¿No te parece muy raro? Ni siquiera puedo imaginarme dando pecho a una nena de un año, y mucho menos a un niño de cuatro años!
Yo no puedo, tampoco. :) Lo que pasa es que siempre están a sólo unas horas mayores que la última vez que amamantaron.

¿Esto es algo para ti? ¿Es apropiado? He leído algunas cosas de Freud ...
Sí, lo suyo es muy extraño. ¡Mucho más raro que amamantar a un niño de cinco años! En realidad, el destete será un alivio para mí cuando estén listos, porque no tendré que evitar mis comidas favoritas por sus alergias. Como es ahora, la práctica es más o menos: "No ofrecer, no rechazar", así que ellos me piden cuando quieren tomar pecho. No hay nada sexual ni inapropiado.

¿Van a tener memorias de tomar pecho? ¿Cómo te sientes al respecto?
No sé. Mi hija mayor se destetó unos meses después de cumplir cuatro años. Ella dice que realmente no lo recuerda. Ha sido una parte feliz y llena de amor de nuestras vidas, así que voy a estar contenta si se acuerdan.

¿Qué de tu hijo? ¿Cómo crees que afectará su sexualidad?
Creo que él sabrá respetar los cuerpos de otras personas, y que verá a los cuerpos de las mujeres como sorprendentes en su capacidad de dar a luz y amamantar a sus hijitos. Sé que la leche materna tiene muchos beneficios para la salud. Aparte de eso, no creo que vaya a afectarlo en absoluto. He oído algunas tonterías acerca de que podría hacerlo homosexual, y algunos que piensan que lo hará obsesionado con los pechos. Tonterías - como si todos los hombres heterosexuales tomaran biberones y no les gustaran los pechos. En realidad, hay un capítulo muy interesante sobre este tema en el libro de Ann Sinnott, Breastfeeding Older Children. Además, en muchas culturas, los varones toman pecho por más tiempo que las hembras, porque son más frágiles en cuanto a la salud.

¿No los hace infantiles o causa problemas sociales o inhibe la independencia?
Cada estudio realizado ha encontrado lo contrario - que les parece beneficio social, y ayuda a fomentar la independencia. Creo que las necesidades satisfechas desaparecen. Es cuando no cumplimos con las necesidades que los problemas tienen más probabilidades de surgir.

¿Cuáles son algunas de las diferencias con un lactante mayor?
Amamantar a la totalidad de sus juguetes. Me han amamantado piezas de ajedrez, figuras de acción y un surtido de animales de peluche y muñecas. He encontrado a migas de galleta y otras partículas de comida en mi sostén. He tenido que recordarles un par de veces para terminar de tragar cualquier cosa que estaban comiendo y limpiar la boca antes de beber leche.

Obviamente, no estás de acuerdo con la idea de que "si tienen la edad suficiente para pedir, entonces tienen la edad suficiente para destetar". ¿Hablan acerca de la lactancia mucho?
A veces. Piden leche, por supuesto. En realidad, la única diferencia entre un niño y un bebé es que hay que usar palabras en lugar del lenguaje corporal - los bebés "piden leche", también! A veces, mis hijos hacen comentarios sobre el sabor, especialmente durante el embarazo. A veces me dicen lo delicioso que es. :)

¿Qué tipo de límites estableces?
Muchas de mis amigas que dan pecho más allá de la infancia tienen límites como sólo a horas fijas o lugares específicos. Muchas no dan pecho durante la noche, o permiten que su hijo tome leche sólo durante el tiempo necesario para cantarle un canción o contar hasta 25 o algo así. No he visto la necesidad de hacer eso para nosotros. Durante el embarazo, me pongo muy incómoda, y entonces puede ser que les pida que esperen o que sólo amamanten por unos segundos / minutos. Pero generalmente, ellos beben cuanto quieran. Siempre han tenido buenos modales y respetan mi cuerpo.

¿Qué te gusta de amamantar a tus hijos?
Su felicidad cuando toman pecho. La risa de amamantar a todos sus juguetes. Escucharlos decirme que tiene mejor sabor que el helado derritado. Tener una manera sana, fácil, y gratis de satisfacer las necesidades nutricionales y emocionales.

¿Sí van a destetarse algún día?
Creo que es una necesidad que se superará cuando estén listos. Si en algún momento pareciera que podría haber otra necesidad que se debe abordar, de desarrollo o de cualquier otra cosa, claro que prestaríamos atención a eso. Sin embargo, mis hijitos son independientes, son cariñosos y felices. Confío en ellos que lo dejarán. Estoy agradecida de haber sido capaz de darles la leche de mami por todo el tiempo que quieran.

Sensitive Another Anonymous Post on Spanking and Siblings

2011-07-29T17:10:00.000-07:00

The following is a post from someone who has asked to remain anonymous. As with previous posts of this nature, any comments will be strictly moderated. *NOTE: I added the *Sensitive* warning to the title after hearing from several readers that it triggered strong memories for them. Just as I was stunned and heartbroken by the responses from so many to the letter to the pastor dealing with the sexual side effects of spanking, I have been deeply saddened to read from so many who still experiences nightmares of their siblings being spanked. :(

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I have started and deleted this several times already, and am choosing to share this anonymously through a blogger who has spoken out against spanking. I feel compelled to share this, but I am scared. Secrecy was ingrained for too many years. And I am scared that some people will read this limited, partial account and not see the full picture (can anyone ever really see the full picture?) and see my dad as a monster. He is not, and he was not. In many ways, he was a wonderful father. And it has been many years since these events, and he and my brother have both changed dramatically and so has their relationship. But I still have nightmares sometimes.

Growing up, there were a lot of misconceptions about my family. In many ways, we were the perfect Christian fairy-tale. My parents divorced when I was small. Like most little kids, I was heartbroken and desperate for our family to be restored. I heard the Bible verses about asking something in Jesus name, and that if two or more would agree on it, that it would be done. I took that literally and never doubted that if I could find two or three people to agree with me in Jesus name, my parents would get back together. I would even go up to random people in the grocery store while my mom was busy shopping and ask them to agree with me. Two and a half years after the divorce was finalized, they remarried.

My parents returned to pastoring, and began closely following the teachings of Bill Gothard, which had been instrumental in my dad's change of heart. One of the tenets of Gothardism is not limiting the number of children you will have. After many, many miscarriages, my mother carried a miracle baby to term, and my little brother was born.

I only received a handful of spanking growing up. A few from my mom for fighting with my sister or talking back, mostly when she was at the end of her rope. They hurt, but they were never the kind that would be considered abusive by most people. 5 or 6 swats, usually with a belt or the cardboard rod from a clothes hanger. Any red marks were gone within minutes. I don't believe they ever resulted in any good, but not in terrible harm, either. I probably got even fewer from my dad, partly because the time when they were divorced was when I would have been most likely to be spanked, and partly because I was a girl, and partly because he was in a healthier state of mind then. The few I got were with a belt, and he always somehow managed to make it hit in the exact same spot each time, even with my limited attempts at wiggling. I felt a lot more resentment about these, mainly because I felt that they were not fully deserved. But if it had ended there, it might not have been that big a deal.

When my brother was born, a perfect storm hit. He was a boy with very high needs (and almost certainly special needs, although my dad was adamant against ever having him tested). He was the poster child for a strong will. And my dad was in a very, very dark place. He was abused. He was spanked with a belt for wriggling during diaper changes by the time he could crawl. Church services, evenings, any time my dad was around were punctuated by marathon spanking sessions, where my dad would insist on compliance that my brother refused to give and became an outlet for my father's depression. Sometimes he would be hit well over 50 times in one session. There were welts that would last a day or two.

But no one spoke up. No one said that this was abuse. After all, it was just spanking a strong willed little boy. There were never any broken bones. He was never hit with anything other than a belt or hand. He didn't get cut with the buckle. He was only beaten on the bottom and legs. Once, and only once, did my dad hit him in the face. It took us all by surprised because we were in a restaurant, and the only offense was that he didn't want to go to the restroom with my dad. My brother immediately bit him back enough to draw blood.

My brother was never one to give up, and he developed a hatred for my dad. The older he got, the more he began to fight back. Eventually, my dad was spanking less and less and my brother was attacking him more and more. When my brother was so little, we watched their confrontations in mostly silent disapproval, but couldn't help but feel that at least sometimes my brother was able to even the score a little bit. My mom believed that she had to submit to my dad's authority, even when she thought he was being too harsh. She was too beaten down emotionally and verbally to do much else, although I don't think my dad ever hurt her physically. I was confused. Initially, I squashed any doubts by reading all that the religious spanking gurus said, which pretty much said that my brother deserved it. One of my lifelong regrets is that I participated in it. The stance then was that anyone taking care of him had the authority to hit him, and I spanked him several times myself, thinking that it would change his behavior if we were consistent.

I felt increasingly guilty, and stopped. I was more and more scared by how much my dad was hitting him. Later, I tried to intervene more by heading off tense situations and even speaking up from time to time. The day that my dad hit him in the face, I said the most calculatingly hurtful thing that I could, and told him that I was sorry that he was our dad. I could tell that it hit home, because we had always been so close. He responded with a choked voice that God heard me say that. I shot back, "And God saw what you did."

There were times, especially if the welts lasted more than a few hours, where I wanted to call the authorities. But it was ingrained into us to not dishonor God and our father by cracking the facade. I believed they would split up our family, and that my siblings and I would be separated. Would that really be better than what we had now? It couldn't really be abuse--my dad was just following what Gothard and all the other Christians taught about spanking. The doubts would chase each other until I was exhausted.

Gothard talks a lot about taking up offenses. He insists that only the individual who is directly wronged received grace to handle the situation. I don't know. Over the years, things gradually began to improve between my dad and brother. As my dad came out of his depression, he was less angry and began to try to repair the relationship. If anything, he wound up going to the opposite extreme in an effort to deflect the rage that had built up inside of my brother. My brother is an adult now, and while the relationship between him and my dad has its scars, things are actually pretty good between them.

But even years after the last time there was any physical violence towards him, I still have nightmares of my dad hitting my brother. In some of them, I am the one hitting him. I wake up in a cold sweat, stomach churning and acid rising up. I choke back the sick feeling and remind myself that it was a long time ago and that things are better now.

All along, I heard lies and misconceptions. So many people thought we were the perfect family. I never heard any Christian speak out against what was happening to my brother when he was tiny. All I head was the constant repetition of pro-spanking dogma. Don't hit in anger (which my dad claimed he was following. His underlying anger was obvious to me and others, but I don't think my dad really saw it in himself then. Most of the time, he was cool, in control and sometimes even lightly joking about it.) He was only hitting in approved places, with approved instruments, and he wasn't doing things that are obvious abuse like broken bones. He followed the right formulas. But it hurt our family far beyond the physical pain that my brother endured.

I decided to share this because I desperately wish that someone had spoken up for my little brother years ago. Instead, all we heard was encouragement to spank more until his will was broken. Would it have made a difference to my dad if someone had spoken up? Probably not. But it would have made a difference to me. It might have made a difference to my mom or my brother. Please, speak up if you know of someone who is spanking too much, too hard, or too often. And even if you agree with spanking, please, please don't encourage others to do it. No matter how well you think you know the family, you don't really know what is going on.

One Big, Happy Circle--Why I Use Facebook over Google+

2011-07-29T05:30:00.000-07:00

Dulce de leche

Promote Your Page Too
I should begin with the caveat that I am quite ignorant of tech stuff, so keep that in mind. Many of my friends are using Google+, and I will probably join them at some point. From what I understand, the big draw is the ability to compartmentalize. You create circles according to specific groups, which means that your boss and coworkers or your ILs or whomever doesn't automatically see everything you post. You can do that on FB, too, but it is a little more complicated. I can see the attraction. But it isn't for me.

For one thing, I am pretty much a what-you-see-is-what-you-get person. I have mentioned before my lamentable tendency to blurt. It is true that anyone on my Facebook page will see my links on breastfeeding and gentle discipline and the DREAM act. If they know me enough to be friends, it is unlikely that they are shocked. I talk about these things in real life, too.

But the real reason that I like having one big, happy circle? It is because of who my friends are. They are a very diverse group if you look at things like religion and politics, and views on pretty much anything. I have friends who adore Sarah Palin and others whose politics are far more liberal than the US is likely to reach for many decades. I have dear ones who are extremely conservative Christians, atheists, and pagans. I have gay and lesbian friends. Many are from other countries and other cultures. I have friends who rely exclusively on homeopathic and natural remedies, and friends who only trust allopathic medicine. Some believe that spanking is necessary, others see it as abuse. Some nursed their kids to seven years of age, some find that incredibly disturbing. Some see circumcision as ordained by God, some see it as genital mutilation. A rather large percentage of my friends there disagree with my views on parenting, politics and pretty much everything else.

It can occasionally get heated, but it doesn't get nasty or vicious. In fact, I have been deeply touched by the tremendous love that they lavish on me. And, OK, I will admit to some mild amusement when I have status updates and comments like this:

Dulce: Kidlet had an allergic reaction.

Friend #1. I am praying right now. I rebuke that spirit of infirmity and say right now that they are healed. You just need to walk in that healing.

Friend #2. Holding them in the light.

Friend #3. Have you tried muscle testing? I can recommend someone.

Friend #4. As an MD, I don't have a lot of confidence in muscle testing, but I can refer you to a pediatric allergist who can administer a skin prick test and do some blood work.

Dulce: Ariana is reading Harry Potter.

7 friends like this.

Friend #1. I am delighted she is reading, but I have very serious concerns about Harry Potter.

Friend #2. So do I. As a Christian, she shouldn't be filling her mind with witchcraft.

Friend #3. I am a Christian, and I think Harry Potter is awesome!

My comments and posts on their walls run about the same.

Part of it is the immature kid in me that just finds it funny, and the social geek who is relieved to not be the only one who doesn't always seem to fit in the conversation. But the biggest part is just grateful for the outpouring of love. It is incredibly reassuring and comforting to know that even when we don't come together over anything else, we still can be united for the people in our lives. However it is expressed, my friends want good things for me and my family, just as I want blessings to be poured out on them.

So, yeah, I could do the circle thing and avoid disagreements or embarrassment by picking only people who have a lot in common. But I would miss out on so much by that. I learn from all of my friends, those who agree and those who don't. Even when they seem to be polar opposites, I can consider their views. And love covers a multitude of sins. In a world that is already divided into so many opposing factions, it is very nice to have one, big happy circle that is united in love and a desire for good. :)

7 Steps for Getting Back on Track

2011-07-25T11:30:00.000-07:00

Image credit greengardenvienna on Flickr

In my post on taking a wrong turn with discipline, I promised to share some of the ways we course correct. I also had some beautiful, wise comments from some of you on the original post and my Facebook page that helped so much. Here are a few of the things that I am learning.

1. Think longterm. Invariably, when I slip into this it is because I want short term results regardless of the cost. Like eating junk food when pressed for time, I internally justify it because of extenuating circumstances. The truth is, though, that there will always be extenuating circumstances. If this is truly a priority for me--and it is--then I have to push past excuses.

2. Take a break. When it has already become a pattern that is spiraling out of control, taking a day or two to drastically break the cycle helps tremendously. If I have been yelling, being quiet until I am filtering more easily helps. If I have been rushed or stressed by outside things, taking a day to just focus on togetherness and connection and fun is crucial.

3. Confess. I need to tell my children that what I have been doing is wrong and apologize. I also need to tell my husband to help both of us be more aware of it. Very young children don't always realize that we can make mistakes. They internalize that however they are treated by us is what they deserve. I need to explicitly tell them that it isn't OK for anyone to treat them that way.

4. Make amends. Restoring connection is a process. It won't be a one-time action or apology. I have found that one of the best things is to individually tailor it according to my children's love languages. Ariana needs quality time, like a Starbucks date. Joel needs lots of physical interaction. Elena needs a gift (which does not have to be purchased).

5. Enlist their help. Ask them to please tell me if I start to slip up. Authentic Parenting had a great post on the power of having our children tell us when we are doing wrong. This is such a valuable tool, not just for parenting, but for our children to practice regularly. I didn't grow up with healthy boundaries modeled. It is still easier for me to "be nice" until I reach the breaking point and then explode. This is a great way to actively help my children to learn healthy patterns of interaction so that they will be comfortable with it as adults. Encouraging my husband to speak up if he sees me acting hurtfully is important, too. We are not a united front *against*our kids.

6. Revisit my own GD toolbox. Sometimes, even when we have the tools we need, it seems easier in the moment to just rely on what is handy instead of what is actually best for the job. I need to surround myself with a graceful community to help keep my mind where it needs to be, and go back through my toolboxes (for myself and for my kids) on a regular basis. The more consciously I use all my tools, the happier I am with the results.

7. Remember that grace is for mamas, too. If I start to shame myself (something I still fall into pretty easily) it sabotages my energy and my efforts to change. I have to let go of the shame for past mistakes, and accept love and forgiveness. This one is hard, but essential.

We all make wrong turns sometimes. It is part of being human, and part of growing. The important thing is learning to recognize when we get off track and getting on the right road once more. I am so grateful to all of you for your help as I navigate this journey! <3 A special thanks to Toddler in Tow, The New Mommy Files: Memories, Milestones and Missteps, The Black Sheep Princess, Momma in Progress, Hybrid Rasta Mama, and all of you who commented and shared some of your tips! <3

Growing Smarter Children--Guest Post from Shelley Joy

2011-07-22T06:30:00.000-07:00

Image credit familymwr on Flickr

I have learned many things throughout the years working with children and families. I have never met a parent who did not want his child to be smart and to do well in school. This unanimous goal holds true regardless of the socio-economical, cultural, educational, professional, or geographical differences within families. Each of us wants to raise bright children who do well. And who wouldn't want their child to do be successful, smart, and self-reliant?

An almost universal conviction is our children are a reflection of ourselves. We must keep our children clean. A dirty and unkempt child is a sign that, somehow, we have failed as parents. This is not necessarily so!

When I worked as an early childhood educator and administrator, parents would often complain of how dirty their child was at the end of the day. They were splattered with paint and glue and often times their feet were encrusted with mud between their toes. Even the most stalwart parent would cringe at the sight of their messy child!

There is a secret formula to "make kids smart." Let them get dirty! To the parents who expressed their desire for smart children, I would say, "I can make your child smart, but you have to let me let them get dirty! I can make them just a little smart and let them get a little dirty, or I can make them really smart and let them get a lot dirty. It is your child and definitely your choice."

Children learn best through play. It is their work! And play is often dirty, messy work. Play enables children to progress naturally through the developmental stages necessary to acquire reading and writing skills in school, as well as the important socio-emotional skills required to become successful and self-reliant students. Child initiated play, supported and facilitated by loving adults, is the single most important factor in early childhood learning.

Image credit nowviskie on Flickr

Children learn by doing
Children need years of play with real objects and events before they are able to understand the meaning of symbols such as letters and numbers. Learning takes place as young children touch, manipulate, and experiment with things and interact with people. Throughout early childhood, concepts and language gradually develop to enable children to understand more abstract or symbolic information. Children learn by manipulating their environment and materials, and the messier the better!

Activities should be open-ended, meaning there is no right or wrong way to use materials. Children are their own best teachers through the process of "doing," with the focus on process rather than product. Any activity that stimulates one dimension of development and learning affects other dimensions as well.

Mud, sand, and water along with cornstarch and water, are excellent open-ended materials. Combine these materials with regular household items such as spatulas, whisks, plastic measuring cups and bowls, and nature's finest learning materials turn into imaginative creations of expression and creativity.

Crayons, markers, paper, and glue are other open-ended materials that, combined with buttons, glitter, colored salt, and old magazines, make astonishing collages that are process-oriented.

Make a bowl of pudding and finger paint. The texture of pudding makes smooth and practical finger paint for young children. Add food coloring or a scented flavoring extract, like vanilla, almond, or citrus for a heightened sensory experience.

Preschool-age children enjoy the smooth, soft, and fluffy feeling of shaving cream as finger paint. Allow your preschool child to paint directly on the kitchen table if you desire. Shaving cream is easy to clean and leaves the room smelling fresh.

Using real household items, rather than child size plastic replicas, gives value and integrity to children's projects. Children enjoy, and also learn, by doing "real" work. Mortar and pestles for grinding, scrapers for scraping, wooden spoons for stirring, and wire whisks for whisking, make excellent "toys" for children.

Image credit david.james55 on Flickr

Fresh herbs, cinnamon sticks, cornmeal, and dried flowers are wonderful for grinding, scraping, and stirring. Children learn by using their senses: Imagine the smell of freshly ground herbs, cinnamon, and flowers! Simply add water, and you have a new "recipe" for success.

Garage sale pots and pans are excellent for "cooking" and recipes for learning. Just as easily, pots and pans also magically turn into the basics of a rhythm band.

Dollar store gardening tools that are not sharp, such as hand trowels and scoops, make excellent and long lasting sand toys and are great for digging worms.

Save old food boxes, cartons, and packages for children to use as props for their "house." When they begin to become worn and torn, as they will, throw them away and provide new ones.

Take a walk with your child in the rain, jump in a mud puddle, take off your shoes, and feel the mud between your toes!

Ordinary dish soap in a wash pan with water makes an excellent base for bubbles. Bubbles are joy-filled and magical. Use wire whisks, straws, strainers, and even your own hands to create different sized bubbles and a delightful "science" project. Dish soap in a small wading pool with water and a hula-hoop will add magic to any hot summer day and you'll have the entire neighborhood begging for more.

Real and authentic experiences are remembered. They are integrated into the very heart of the child simply because they are real. Authentic experiences are child-powered, not battery powered. They are experiences that integrate concrete, real-life experiences that are the key to motivated, meaningful learning in kindergarten and the primary grades. You say you want smart children? Let them play and get dirty!

Shelley is the author of Little Bird You are Perfect and numerous articles on parenting and enjoying life. You can also find her on Facebook, where she is offers up encouragement and inspiration. <3 I am so grateful for her voice of peace, love and joy in my life! <3

Wrong Turn

2011-07-17T06:10:00.000-07:00

Image credit Mykl Roventine on Flickr

I can pretty much pinpoint when it happened. At the beginning of the summer, our kids still needed life vests or floaties to swim. We started taking them swimming once a week, and by the second time our older two were swimming without anything else. They were so excited! A couple of weeks later, they were jumping off the diving board, finally working their way to the high dive. They couldn't imagine anything more thrilling. It was so much fun that my five year old had an extremely difficult time leaving.

After carrying him out of the pool, we told him that we weren't coming back the next week. His grief was immense. In all honesty, there are many times when the difference between punishment and boundaries looks like a matter of semantics. I do believe that there is a significant difference in the intent of the parent, as well as the approach, but I also know that the line can blur very easily.

One of the things I have adopted from Crystal Lutton is that "leaving successfully is part of coming back the next time." It wasn't the first time my son had had a meltdown on leaving, and it was apparent that he didn't yet have the control needed to leave without a fuss. Asking him to do it over again without changing things was setting him up for failure. And going through an unpleasant scene at the end of swimming each week was not something we felt was worth it. Our intent was not to punish him--make him feel bad so that his behavior would change. It was just to give us all a break until we could come back and try again more successfully.

A lot of other things were going on, too. I teach nine credit hours in 6 weeks during the summer, so I am suddenly gone a lot during the day. By the time I was home on evenings and weekends, there were a thousand things screaming at me to get done, I was desperate for some down time, and our connection was starting to fray. I developed tunnel-vision. Instead of seeing the big picture and the long-term goals I have, I started focusing on the easiest way to get compliance. My intent shifted and it transformed into a threat. "Do what I say right now or no swimming."

It worked. Their love of swimming is so great that they will pretty much do anything if they think we can go back. And since we did skip one week before trying again, they know we can follow through on the threat. At first, it was easy to brush aside each twinge of guilt. After all, it isn't like threatening them with a beating or using harsh words to tear them down. Missing a swimming session is not abuse, by any means.

It became a quick fix. It wasn't until hearing my husband tell them several times in a row that doing x would mean no swimming (when they were happily complying to begin with!) that I realized how ridiculously it was being used. Instead of connection and discipline (teaching), we were just relying on the threat to get instant results. And yes, those of you who have read my diatribes against spanking are fully aware of the hypocrisy there, since most of my arguments against spanking apply just as well to this.

We took a wrong turn. It seems like a convenient tool. The initial payoff is great. But the more I used it, the more I realize that the long term price is too high for me. It was eroding our connection. Our kids were starting to ask, "What will happen if we don't?" from a self-centered standpoint. I read this post from my friend PIO and nearly cried because I knew I wasn't living up to my own beliefs.

I mess up a lot. In spite of all my posts on discipline and parenting, I fall short often from what I know. I get tempted by quick results and easy responses. I am working on a post about getting back on track, but wanted to go ahead and post this as my declaration that I don't want to go any further down this path of punishments.

My Five Favorite Foods in San Juan

2011-07-11T09:45:00.000-07:00

Puerto Rico fully merits the name "Isla del encanto." I love the rainforest, the beach, and all the rest of the lovely island, but what really gets me excited about visiting is the food. It is seriously some of the best on the planet. If you go to San Juan, here are a few things you must try:

1. Mallorcas and coffee from La Bombonera. The coffee is fabulous, and incredibly inexpensive. The mallorcas are a sweet roll (like a cinnamon roll without the cinnamon), drenched in butter, pan toasted and sprinkled with powdered sugar. Melt in our mouth yumminess like you wouldn't believe. My five year old remembered these from a whole year ago and couldn't wait to go back.


Mom, please don't interrupt my blissful munching for a pic.

2. Quesitos con guayaba. A flaky croissant, filled with a combination of sweet cream cheese and tangy guava. I would include a pic, but they seem to get gobbled up before I have time to pull out my phone. Yeah, they are that good! My favorites are from the Repostería España in Isla Verde.

3. Mofongo. This is the ultimate comfort food. Take buttery, garlic-smashed plantains, add your favorite meat (mine is churrasco--flank steak--but the chicken and fish are delicious, too). Soak it all with an amazing salsa criolla of tomatoes, onions, garlic, cilantro and sweet peppers. This is like steak, mashed potatoes and gravy, island-style. Heaven. You can find mofongo everywhere, but the perfect ratio of sauce to meat to plantains, IMO, is at Barrachina in Old San Juan. The meat and plantains are both tender, and the flavor is rich and satisfying.

4. If you are at Barrachina, you must have a piña colada. This is the restaurant where they were invented! You won't be disappointed. It is the perfect balance of sweet, creamy coconut and refreshing pineapple. A bonus--little ones with you get their own sample size virgin versions. :)

Can you see that creamy goodness at the bottom of the plate?

5. Pastel de tres leches. If you are a cookie-dunker or you like ice cream on your cake, this one is for you. Take a delicious, rich cake, then soak it in three milks, and you wind up with an incredibly moist (like dripping!) cake. It tastes like cake that has been sitting in melted vanilla ice cream. Yum! If you are looking for the very best, check out Metropol, a Cuban restaurant in Isla Verde. The mofongo is very good there, the beans and rice are out of this world, and their pastel de tres leches blows the rest of them away.

I haven't even mentioned that across the street from our hotel is Piu Bello, a gelato shop that we visit at least once a day. My favorite is their coquito gelato, a fabulously decadent combination of coconut and rum. However, I haven't had a flavor that I didn't like. The blood orange is excellent, the limón is the best I have tried, they have nutella gelato with chocolate cookies crushed into it... If I can gather enough evidence, I just might give it its own post... ;)

As you can guess, the reason I haven't been online too much the last week or so is because I have been ~~stuffing my face~~ researching some of the best foods that San Juan has to offer. I will continue each day to seek out more yumminess for me you. Wish you were here to share a cup of extraordinarily good Puerto Rican coffee and some yummy snacks with me!

Dulce de leche

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Image credit x_MeSHaRi_x يالله التيسير

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My Five Favorite Foods in San Juan

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