tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post7342989337924970788..comments2023-08-04T06:10:55.445-07:00Comments on Dulce de leche: Another Letter to Another Pastor on Spanking **Sensitive**Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger26125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-45976885901389297882012-09-03T14:14:50.547-07:002012-09-03T14:14:50.547-07:00Jessica, thank you so much for your courage in sha...Jessica, thank you so much for your courage in sharing this. It is so heartbreaking that you have gone through so much, but I am so glad that you are getting healthy and I appreciate you sharing your story. I hope that other parents will listen. <3dulce de lechehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01641970264436339191noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-70419759747627274852012-09-03T10:27:15.780-07:002012-09-03T10:27:15.780-07:00Being spanked has caused sexual disfunction and co...Being spanked has caused sexual disfunction and confusion for me as well. I have connected being spanked, forcibly undressed and humiliated with sexual stimulation for as long as I can remember. Although receiving a spanking was always purely terrifying and nauseatingly upsetting to me, I was already addicted to nightly self-stimulating to fantasies of being spanked as a four-year-old and as an adult am still struggling to stop. I've never told anyone. I always got good grades in school, my teachers always loved me, adults have always praised my parents for how great I have turned out. I am mild-mannered and don't talk back to anyone, but I'd rather raise a child who is loud, noisy and even sassy than one as hurt, ashamed and angry on the inside as I turned out to be. My parents have no idea how much self-loathing and shame I've carried with me my whole life because of their decision to spank my brother and myself. As a teenager I developed all sorts of self harming behaviors, including anorexia and a cutting addiction. Although I was able to recover, I'm still haunted almost daily by the memories of having been exposed and spanked at such a vulnerable age. To my child's mind, being spanked was equivalent to being molested every time I did something my parents didn't like. It was violating, humiliating, confusing, painful but also tragically stimulating. Internally and to those who know me well, I display all the classic signs of an adult victim of childhood sexual abuse.<br /><br />Again, my parents had and still have no idea how deeply their decision to spank effected me and as far as they're concerned, it's the most biblical way to raise children. I wish people would realize that the "dangers of spanking" that are preached in the news and internet are not liberal propaganda. There are some very real, tragic consequences. Nothing is worth the risk of having a child turn out anything like I did.<br /><br />-JessicaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-69162466018933009702012-08-30T18:18:56.233-07:002012-08-30T18:18:56.233-07:00I disagree, and more importantly, so does a substa...I disagree, and more importantly, so does a substantial amount of research. There have been considerable studies done on children who grow up without corporal punishment, and the results are very encouraging. <br /><br />Your comment implies that there are also going to be several negative effects from never spanking. That is like saying that people haven't fully examined the negative results from not breaking a child's legs. There are no negative results from refusing to harm or damage someone. <br /><br />There are, of course, negative results from neglect or parents who do not discipline (in the sense of guiding and making disciples, not punishing) their children, but that is an entirely different issue than spanking. Some are spanked and never guided or taught. Others are guided and taught without ever being spanked.<br /><br />You may be interested in reading Robin Grille's Parenting for a Peaceful World. It studies discipline and child rearing methods from the beginning of history until now, and although much of it is heartbreaking in the abuse that was considered perfectly acceptable, I was tremendously encouraged to see how far we have come. <br /><br />I don't believe the pendulum will swing back. I believe that instead we will continue to learn more and more about how to treat others as we would like to be treated and to love them as we love ourselves, even when they are children.<br /><br />dulce de lechehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01641970264436339191noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-64706442389367340982012-08-30T13:45:20.383-07:002012-08-30T13:45:20.383-07:00Replacing that sands of time that once dribbled th...Replacing that sands of time that once dribbled through the hourglass, the restless modern pendulum swings from one extreme to another. A century ago, spanking was de rigueur in parenting. These days, it is verboten. Tomorrow? Who knows? The shifting attitudes toward spanking are quite reminiscent of Paul's observation in II Timothy 3:7. <br /><br />While the problems with spanking have been discovered, the difficulties associated with never spanking have yet to be explored with equal vigor. When they are, the discontented pendulum of popular sentiment will once again disrupt the status quo.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-90054283981034216462012-06-08T19:04:00.625-07:002012-06-08T19:04:00.625-07:00Well said! I too have heard what this author wrot...Well said! I too have heard what this author wrote, that the verse in the Bible is misinterpreted. I once heard a minister say that the discipline it speaks of is more accuately 'teaching' and the rod is a 'tool of measurement' meaning you should teach and then hold the child to a standard. I think those who spank are lazy, angry parents. Most of the time it's quick, easy and b/c the parents are hacked off, not because they are wanting to teach. At least that's what I see out in public...mad parents who are stressed.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-33797316324257655812011-07-02T12:32:47.121-07:002011-07-02T12:32:47.121-07:00Thank you all so very much for your responses! &l...Thank you all so very much for your responses! <3 I wish that more people acknowledged the harmful effects of spanking. Thank you so much for your courage and honesty in sharing your experiences. Much love, healing and peace to you all! <3dulce de lechehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01641970264436339191noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-14059236158108920502011-07-02T11:17:40.469-07:002011-07-02T11:17:40.469-07:00It took courage to write this letter. I knew even ...It took courage to write this letter. I knew even before I decided to abandon spanking, that I would never take my children's clothing off. As a child I always felt so violated from that. I mean, the Fundamentalists teach their kids that their clothing is such a vital part of who they are and that to be exposed causes bad thoughts in others; so what does that tell the kids about parents needing them to be exposed for punishment? I remember once - perhaps I was going into puberty at the time and was even more aware - when I absolutely refused to lift my skirt for a whipping. So my mom compromised and whipped me around the ankles - and kept whipping me because I couldn't stand still. I hated her that day. <br />I believe now that being molested once as a very young child contributed to my fury at the concept of spanking, and my sexual issues have been rather opposite as a result. It certainly made me question my feelings about the situation much less than I might have otherwise, which had its down sides as a defenseless child but I think has stood me in good stead as a mother.Pippihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05598890631695015818noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-82075358162521829202011-06-28T20:38:54.445-07:002011-06-28T20:38:54.445-07:00This is so, so good. I found this post and your ot...This is so, so good. I found this post and your other on spanking in anger from Hippie Housewife. I will be sharing both posts on my blog. We've been doing a lot of research on this, as we love Jesus and there is too much teaching out there that states that you *must* spank your children. Interestingly enough, the origins of spanking are not biblical at all, but are an ancient pagan fertility act. Its very roots are highly sexual and demonic. And here we are, commanding the church to spank their children. Maddening.Rosemaryhttp://her.joshandrosemary.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-24912338094865243522011-06-27T11:32:05.339-07:002011-06-27T11:32:05.339-07:00"if spanking was mandated by God, then why wo..."if spanking was mandated by God, then why wouldn’t he leave any commentary or examples of how to “correctly” do it in the bible?"<br /><br />THIS! As a mom with a very sprited toddler, I really struggled with this issue. I didn't understand why, if spanking was THE only Godly way, why did God not give us guidelines in the Bible. Even the Old Testiment laws with all their rules and regulations didn't spell this out. I tried it, like a couple times. Made me feel terrible and my son was very confused. We have taken it off the table now. I just can't get my mind around how the Church is so very blind in this area.<br />(FWIW, I grew up being spanked a la Dobson. While I have not suffered severe consequences, it just feels wrong. I remember what it felt like as a child and I do not want that for my children.)mama khttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05070909433011566246noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-75764798574839229122011-06-22T16:16:00.178-07:002011-06-22T16:16:00.178-07:00I was going to ask how the pastor responded, but j...I was going to ask how the pastor responded, but just read your response to Ivy. :( <br />Wow. That is really sad. 3 MONTHS!<br /><br />I have been reading a very informative book on this issue:<br /> The book is called <br />Spare The Child: The religious roots of punishment and the psychological impact of Physical Abuse.<br />It is a REALLY good/ sad read.<br /><br />When I was a young mom, I was taught if I didn't spank, then I didn't love my children. I remember spanking and then crying because I felt so bad. It just didn't feel right in my gut. AT ALL. By the time our boys were in elementary school, I had pretty much started researching on my own scripture. I knew nobody who didn't spank. <br />The more I researched the more I found out that it was NOT THERE in SCRIPTURE.... ESPECIALLY the James Dobson stuff.<br />When we started on the path to adoption, I knew I would not be spanking. And then, I REALLY started to study. What I found out was that I was duped... the entire time. I was taught something was truth, that was NOT. It still makes me upset when I hear a sermon directing parents to spank their children. At our OLD church, that is exactly what happened on Sunday and the pastor even LAUGHED about spankings he had given. It made me rather sick.<br />I could never attend a church where it was a command from the pulpit.But I also have not found a church where they would say it isn't in scripture. Very sad.Christie Mhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09738612207150868577noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-27796543797024224362011-06-22T16:01:07.472-07:002011-06-22T16:01:07.472-07:00Wow, thanks for sharing. I don't spank, mostly...Wow, thanks for sharing. I don't spank, mostly because I just can't, the thought of hitting my children makes me heartsick. I've wrestled a lot with the "why not" though. I grew up thinking God "spanked", I've had to really get to know Him better and differently in the last few years since having kids. <br /><br />Truth comes when lies are exposed in the light.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04284265657553153315noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-83316380819340945122011-06-22T13:53:28.652-07:002011-06-22T13:53:28.652-07:00(((Young Mom))) I am so sorry. I have had such a...(((Young Mom))) I am so sorry. I have had such a heavy heart since posting this and hearing from so many friends and others who said that this was their experience, as well. And yes, Young Mom, I think that the vast majority of spankers would deny it and say that it is just a perverse sin issue in the child. :(dulce de lechehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01641970264436339191noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-49750332176463974242011-06-22T13:48:25.991-07:002011-06-22T13:48:25.991-07:00Sometimes it feels like it doesn't matter how ...Sometimes it feels like it doesn't matter how much you tell, they will only hear what they want to hear. I've never told anyone about the sexual side of spanking, they would only reply that I have some sort of sin issue to work through, never acknowledging the connection to spanking.Melissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13674332089949439989noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-85822991419869356862011-06-22T10:03:26.588-07:002011-06-22T10:03:26.588-07:00THANK YOU so much for sharing this!! What really t...THANK YOU so much for sharing this!! What really tore at my heart was reading about her having to listen to her brother...And wanting to take his hurt away. So sad and heartbreaking.Mountain Mamahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11135695971995871819noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-43022019065031627822011-06-21T09:19:28.155-07:002011-06-21T09:19:28.155-07:00Thank you, M. C. and Dulce, for sharing this exper...Thank you, M. C. and Dulce, for sharing this experience. It is disheartening to hear that even when presented with these truths, the pastor remained convinced that spanking is mandated by God. It always surprises me how firmly people hold on to that belief even when presented with evidence to the contrary.Hippie Housewifehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14718357472343295031noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-81648320309803448782011-06-21T08:28:16.590-07:002011-06-21T08:28:16.590-07:00How brave of MC to share this with the world. I ho...How brave of MC to share this with the world. I hope I live to see the day when spanking becomes unacceptable in our culture. It can be a terrible thing. :(Vickie@Demand_Euphoriahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17706946767924290485noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-44403960535519411872011-06-21T07:32:35.559-07:002011-06-21T07:32:35.559-07:00Thank you so much for sharing this!!! Light bulbs ...Thank you so much for sharing this!!! Light bulbs are going off in my head. It's incredible how far Christians will go to argue spanking is Biblical.Christine S.https://www.blogger.com/profile/01758979207025927374noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-24326708297993165152011-06-21T07:10:51.370-07:002011-06-21T07:10:51.370-07:00Unfortunately, the pastor waited over 3 months bef...Unfortunately, the pastor waited over 3 months before responding at all. M.C. shared the letter with a couple of other members of the congregation who went to the pastor to request a response. Although the pastor was not completely dismissive, he insisted that the Bible does command parents to spank. M. C. is no longer a part of that church.dulce de lechehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01641970264436339191noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-57382482233673649962011-06-21T06:47:41.396-07:002011-06-21T06:47:41.396-07:00Thank you all so much, and Jenny, thank you especi...Thank you all so much, and Jenny, thank you especially for sharing the link to your post!dulce de lechehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01641970264436339191noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-2219270677427648152011-06-21T06:44:42.990-07:002011-06-21T06:44:42.990-07:00I would love to know how the pastor responded to t...I would love to know how the pastor responded to that!Ivyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15902849314354968779noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-64153185726009824232011-06-21T06:27:56.826-07:002011-06-21T06:27:56.826-07:00I have another person's story on my blog. I w...I have another person's story on my blog. I wish more people would share their experiences about this sort of thing. It needs to be talked about, but it's such a difficult thing to share.<br /><br />http://oursimplejourney.blogspot.com/2010/04/sexual-effects-of-spanking.htmlJennyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16334119521877840064noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-24693066200069944112011-06-21T05:52:01.517-07:002011-06-21T05:52:01.517-07:00I'm so glad you shared this, M.C. and Dulce.I'm so glad you shared this, M.C. and Dulce.Mariahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13783085707283000645noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-60165340222976918462011-06-21T05:40:20.458-07:002011-06-21T05:40:20.458-07:00Thank you to the author. You are so right and so ...Thank you to the author. You are so right and so incredibly brave to share. I don't think there are many parents who want to do this to their children, and getting stories like this out there might help more children than we realize, as well as people who suffered similarly as children. Thank you.Jennyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02154415218933660079noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-25342491572799906812011-06-21T05:39:42.336-07:002011-06-21T05:39:42.336-07:00It is shocking to me how many christians approve s...It is shocking to me how many christians approve spanking=love. SHOCKING!!!! Many of my friends spank their kids, including some of my close family and It's so painful to see. And you can not make them understand how wrong that is!! Thank you for sharing this. I hope this awareness will spread like fire and no more kids will suffer with such twisted shown of "love".Veronicahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03732844879423682742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7084876109811698517.post-5657325222281490142011-06-21T05:28:13.465-07:002011-06-21T05:28:13.465-07:00Thank you very much for this. I currently live in ...Thank you very much for this. I currently live in an area where biblical chastisement is strongly used and this letter speaks the truth about the harm in that position. I strongly feel it is our own lack of awareness as parents that can stop us from seeing that spanking is from the dark; that even allows us to see it as beneficial. In terms of Christianity it is part of Satan's deception. We must become aware of the drive to punish and pull it out by the roots if we are to live in harmony with our children as Jesus taught through his living example.Amy Phoenixhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18394341758645911698noreply@blogger.com