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| Image credit Leo Reynolds on Flickr |
From the very first moments of life, we begin teaching our children life-long lessons about their sexuality. Some of the most profound messages we will ever give them take place without a word.
When we gently caress their silky skin, smooch that little spot on the side of their necks that always makes them giggle, when we play patty cake--every time we demonstrate appropriate, loving touches, we are teaching them that their bodies are wonderful. They learn from snuggles and being held that they are loveable.
When we teach them the names of all their body parts, we show them that their bodies are special. I believe that it is important for them to learn correct names from the beginning. I have heard the argument that we use non-clinical names for tummy and so on. That is true, but it is also a pretty standard term used and understood by everyone, regardless of age. Most cutesy names for genitals are not. Aside from the important matter of accuracy, it conveys a great deal about our acceptance of them and of talking about sexuality. If we teach them that there is something shameful or embarrassing in the very name vulva or penis, they will internalize that. If we make it obvious that we don't want to talk about it, eventually they will stop talking to us and talk to someone else.
We teach our children about gender stereotypes from our first observations. Do our girls hear that they are strong and powerful? Do our boys learn that we value tenderness and sensitivity? Our society is so proficient at marketing gender roles that by age three, most girls and boys know that pink is a girl color, and blue is for boys, that girls are princesses (passive and prissy) and boys are tough and active. As toddlers, my little girl loved blue and Spiderman, and my son loved dolls and sparkly clothes. Within just a couple of years, though, they were telling each other that blue was for boys and dolls are for girls. I believe that colors are gender-neutral, and that both sons and daughters grow up to be parents. But we must speak up if we don't want our children to think there is something wrong with them.
We teach our children about body image through our own. Do they hear us putting ourselves down and criticizing our own bodies? Do we point out our flaws or gripe about our weight? Do they hear us make comments about other people and laugh at their appearance? Each word nails in deeper the truth about our values, and what their own bodies are worth.
We also teach them about sexuality when they first begin to say no. Comments like, "Give grandma a kiss or she'll be sad!" teach them to ignore their own body boundaries and give feigned affection to placate adults. Acknowledging and respecting their right to say no to unwanted touches is vital. It may mean intervening when relatives or friends try to bully them with unwanted hugs, kisses or tickles. The message we send about their right to say no is far more important than a miffed adult.
On a related note, it is important to reconsider the popular stance that in any dispute between a child and an adult, the parent is supposed to side with the adult, particularly if that adult is in a position of authority. Our society makes it clear that grown ups are supposed to be a united front, and that children are supposed to obey adults. Predators capitalize on this. Children who internalize those messages may not even bother to tell about sexual abuse, assuming that the adult was right and that they (the child) are to blame, or that they wouldn't be believed, anyway.
What they witness in our marriage matters, too. They learn how to treat others and how they should be treated based on what they see. We teach them about gender roles. We teach them what affectionate touch looks like. What friendship with a spouse means. What healthy boundaries are. How to have healthy and respectful disagreements. I think most of us are works in progress in this area, but I would encourage you that if you are concerned about what they see, work on changing the relationship, not at doing a better job of hiding the problems.
Before our children ever hear about the mechanics of sex, they are picking up all kinds of messages from us about the value and worth of their bodies, about the extent of their control over their bodies, and about what it means to be male or female, and what relationships should be. We need to be conscious about the silent talk that we are giving them, because our actions do speak much louder than words.
When we gently caress their silky skin, smooch that little spot on the side of their necks that always makes them giggle, when we play patty cake--every time we demonstrate appropriate, loving touches, we are teaching them that their bodies are wonderful. They learn from snuggles and being held that they are loveable.
When we teach them the names of all their body parts, we show them that their bodies are special. I believe that it is important for them to learn correct names from the beginning. I have heard the argument that we use non-clinical names for tummy and so on. That is true, but it is also a pretty standard term used and understood by everyone, regardless of age. Most cutesy names for genitals are not. Aside from the important matter of accuracy, it conveys a great deal about our acceptance of them and of talking about sexuality. If we teach them that there is something shameful or embarrassing in the very name vulva or penis, they will internalize that. If we make it obvious that we don't want to talk about it, eventually they will stop talking to us and talk to someone else.
We teach our children about gender stereotypes from our first observations. Do our girls hear that they are strong and powerful? Do our boys learn that we value tenderness and sensitivity? Our society is so proficient at marketing gender roles that by age three, most girls and boys know that pink is a girl color, and blue is for boys, that girls are princesses (passive and prissy) and boys are tough and active. As toddlers, my little girl loved blue and Spiderman, and my son loved dolls and sparkly clothes. Within just a couple of years, though, they were telling each other that blue was for boys and dolls are for girls. I believe that colors are gender-neutral, and that both sons and daughters grow up to be parents. But we must speak up if we don't want our children to think there is something wrong with them.
We teach our children about body image through our own. Do they hear us putting ourselves down and criticizing our own bodies? Do we point out our flaws or gripe about our weight? Do they hear us make comments about other people and laugh at their appearance? Each word nails in deeper the truth about our values, and what their own bodies are worth.
We also teach them about sexuality when they first begin to say no. Comments like, "Give grandma a kiss or she'll be sad!" teach them to ignore their own body boundaries and give feigned affection to placate adults. Acknowledging and respecting their right to say no to unwanted touches is vital. It may mean intervening when relatives or friends try to bully them with unwanted hugs, kisses or tickles. The message we send about their right to say no is far more important than a miffed adult.
On a related note, it is important to reconsider the popular stance that in any dispute between a child and an adult, the parent is supposed to side with the adult, particularly if that adult is in a position of authority. Our society makes it clear that grown ups are supposed to be a united front, and that children are supposed to obey adults. Predators capitalize on this. Children who internalize those messages may not even bother to tell about sexual abuse, assuming that the adult was right and that they (the child) are to blame, or that they wouldn't be believed, anyway.
What they witness in our marriage matters, too. They learn how to treat others and how they should be treated based on what they see. We teach them about gender roles. We teach them what affectionate touch looks like. What friendship with a spouse means. What healthy boundaries are. How to have healthy and respectful disagreements. I think most of us are works in progress in this area, but I would encourage you that if you are concerned about what they see, work on changing the relationship, not at doing a better job of hiding the problems.
Before our children ever hear about the mechanics of sex, they are picking up all kinds of messages from us about the value and worth of their bodies, about the extent of their control over their bodies, and about what it means to be male or female, and what relationships should be. We need to be conscious about the silent talk that we are giving them, because our actions do speak much louder than words.
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This is part of a series about how we teach our children about sexuality. As parents, we have an incredible responsibility. We need to give our children accurate, age-appropriate information, not only on the physical aspects of sexuality, but also on the emotional and spiritual ramifications. I hope you will join us in this discussion with your comments, links, ideas and stories. For the entire series, click here.
9 comments:
This is excellent. Absolutely wonderful. As the mom of a toddler, I'm so glad you're doing this series!
<3 Thanks, Rach! I appreciate you so much!
Shortly after posting this, I started thinking about how one of the most powerful ways that parents' choices affect their children's sexuality is circumcision. Physically, the effects are damaging and may not be realized until puberty. Removing a healthy part of a child's genitals also sends a strong negative message about the child's right to make decisions about his own body.
I agree with everything said; a lot to ponder. My biggest problem in this area is teaching the correct name of private body parts. I am a first time mom and am worried my kid would go around saying it in public... what are your thoughts/advice?
Anonymous, I felt so awkward in the beginning. I even had to study a bit to find the correct names for all of the parts! It got so much easier, though. As far as the kids using the correct terms in public, it hasn't been a big issue, but it has happened a couple of times. The truth is that everybody says things that are embarrassing from time to time. There is nothing hurtful or unkind about correctly naming a body part. In fact, I would say that any real problem is in the person hearing it rather than the child saying it. Like any kind of bathroom humor, kids may try it out once or twice, but if there isn't a big reaction then they stop. :)
We use the appropriate names too, and my son speaks sometimes a little too openly about his penis, but I am ok with that. I never thought about how my telling TB that I love his snuggles was shaping his body image, and I have learned a lot and have a lot to chew on after just one post. This is going to be a fun adventure. :)
P.S. I allowed my husband to make the final decision on circumcision, as I was not on one side or the other at the time, and I regret it to this day. It's probably one of my biggest regrets in the parenting journey so far.
(((Maria))) Thank you so much! I am so glad you are joining in--I always appreciate your input. <3
And a big hug regarding the circ. If our first had been a boy, I would have probably circ'ed, too. Grace is for mamas, too. <3
Comments like, "Give grandma a kiss or she'll be sad!"
Thankyou for that. I hate it when family members pout and pressure and guilt-trip my kids into giving them hugs. How rude! I'm constantly telling my little brother that Hunter is not a stuffed animal. Needless to say, he ignores me like most 15-year-olds.
Thank you so much for this. I've always felt very uncomfortable when affections was forced on my daughter by other family. It's a huge issue for me. Reading this post was the first time I've seen my thoughts echoed elsewhere. I just blogged about it here: http://her.joshandrosemary.com/blog/the-importance-of-autonomy/ and referenced your post. Thank you so much.
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